Why September, God? And What About My Vocation?

September has been associated with my spiritual life since my reversion. Well, really, since my baptism.

I was baptized on September 1st, 1985 in my hometown of Los Angeles, CA when I was only 3 months old.

I officially reverted to the faith during the first week of autumn, September 2006, when I was 21.

I saw on the "On This Day" Facebook memories that I had written, "I hear you, God. Loud and clear" on this day 4 years ago.

This year, I've been going through a major spiritual awakening (if I can call it that) that heavily involves our Blessed Mother.

I dislike summer (oh, how I really dislike it) and I start counting down the days until the autumn season official begins starting in July-August. I used to think that it was because I loved school and fall semester was the start of the academic year. It was either that or perhaps because I disliked summer very much due to my terrible memories associated with it (past illnesses, my father's death, etc.). Now I'm thinking that perhaps there's something more.

As I said, this year it seems like my major growth will involve our Blessed Mother. This is something that, like my reversion, began in June but isn't really becoming clear until this month. It started with my consecration but it's been building up steadily over the past couple of weeks/months.

Earlier this week, I posted a tweet which somehow blew up (I've never had that many "likes" or "retweets" before) based on an experience I had.

I love the looks of horror on people's faces when I say all I want is to be a wife and mother someday; that I'd be more than content doing just that.

No, I'm not "aiming low" nor will I be "throwing my life away." But thank you for your concern.

— Melissa Cecilia (@MelissaCeciliaG) September 16, 2018

This is actually something I've been wanting to write about for a while but, for whatever reason, I never did until a couple of days ago.

Upon some very heavy (and prayerful) reflection, I realized just how much I desire to be a wife and mother. I mean, I've known this was what I've felt called to as my ultimate vocation but it didn't really settle into my heart until a few weeks ago. I want nothing more in this life than to get married, have a family, and completely dedicate myself to taking care of them; to doing what I can to ensure that they all make it to Heaven at the end of their lives.

However, I haven't been able to voice this without opposition... even within my own household. I get these comments about how I'll be throwing away my life; how I would be throwing away my entire education (and how my student loans will never pay themselves off) if I devoted myself to having and raising a family. I get told that having a career is more important; that if I don't have one and I get stuck with a deadbeat husband who will cheat on me and eventually divorce me, I'll have nothing to fall back on and support my own family. All of these things I've heard throughout my entire life -- ever since I was a little girl -- and they instilled a major fear in me that I haven't been able to shake off until recently.

This is where our Blessed Mother comes into my life. I've come to slowly lose that fear through my recent devotion to praying the Angelus; to the reflections I have when I meditate on her fiat. Without knowing what was ahead, she said, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to thy word." (Luke 1:38, DRA) Even writing it now, I feel myself wanting to tear up because it's so beautiful. She said "yes" to God's will and His plans without fear... which is something I've sadly been unable to do in my own vocation discernment.

I see what a beautiful witness she is to the world. She was so humble and (to those who don't recognize what an important role she played in humanity's salvation) she did "nothing extraordinary." She was a wife and a mother, taking care of her household and of her family. It seems like such an ordinary life -- and, in that sense, it was -- but she did extraordinary things in her simplicity and humility. The more I think about it and about her life, the more I aspire to become more like her. Of course, I will never get anywhere close to being like her but I can by trying to be the best wife and mother I can be. 

Yes, there is the little hitch that I'm still woefully single. If I'm completely honest, I fought the idea of dating for as long as I could because of those fears so many women instilled in me -- that finding good, faithful men was impossible; that I should just resign myself to the idea that I would get hurt by them and thus make myself strong for the inevitable. What a horrible, jaded, and fearful view I had of the vocation of marriage. No wonder I was always reluctant to date.

Full disclosure: I actually didn't go on my first real date until a couple of weeks ago, for that same reason. Yes, I'm 33 but I didn't go on my first date because of that lifelong fear. It took a lot for me to work up the nerve to allow myself to date and to say "Yes" to God's will for my life. I'm done worrying about what could happen. I'm going to fully trust God to lead me to the right man and to not fear my vocation. (side note: there's still no fella in my life, despite the date, but the hope remains!)

All of this is happening in the month of September. Why September, God? And what about my vocation? I don't even know where to start with that... well, beyond preparing myself for when the time comes. Even then, there's only so much I can do on my own.

Please say a prayer for me, y'all. I feel like God (through our beautiful Mother) is helping me shed fears and awakening something in my heart that has been dormant for a long time. Besides a deep yearning for going to daily Mass and immersing myself in learning more about the vocation of wife and of motherhood (using Mama Mary and various saints as examples), I feel like God is doing some major work in my interior life that is just about to radically change my life.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing this with y'all. I have no "Written Wednesday" update for you this week because EpicPew still hasn't posted what I wrote last week and I don't know when the other two sites (CatholicChemistry and Verily Magazine) will post the articles I've written for them as well. I'll keep you updated. ;)

I hope you are all having a lovely week thus far! And, if you're observing Ember Days like I am, keep going! It's only 2 more days after this. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Spiritual Motherhood

This past week I attempted to finish reading Married Saints and Blesseds Through the Centuries by Ferdinand Holbeck. I say "attempted" because, at the time that I write this, I'm still about 60+ pages away from finishing the 501 page book. Yes, that's right: 501 pages long. It's taken me about a year and a half to finish since I've read it in chunks but it's been so worth it because I've learned a lot from the saints and blessed (and other inspirational people) featured in the book.

One of the biggest things that I've taken out of this book is that it's further confirmed that my vocation is that of wife and mother. I don't know when it's going to happen but, God willing, it's going to happen some day and this book has truly inspired me to be the best wife and mama that I can be while trying to get my future fella and my future babies to heaven.

While I'm not exactly in "Ugh, I hate being single. Where the heck is my future fella? Did he get off on the wrong exit and is refusing to ask for directions?" mode, the wait can be a bit trying at times. I'm patient... but I'm also nearing the end of my 20s so it makes me wonder how much longer I will have to wait. The wonderful thing about this book is that it's made me realize that I already have a head start in the motherhood department.

I've read about how many saints who didn't have children of their own (for a number of reasons, including Josephite marriages) still had "children" whom they took care of. Some were supported financially and others spiritually. The idea of spiritual motherhood reminded me of my little man (my godson, Neil Flynn) whom I love so much... and made me realize that it does help with the "not yet a wife nor mama" pains we single ladies can sometimes feel.

When Alli and Dustin asked me to be the godmother of their newest baby (before we knew that my godson was going to be a godson and not a goddaughter), I was so excited. I'd always wanted to be a godmother and I love babies so being asked to a godmother was one of the best moments in my life thus far. While I won't be able to see my little man as often as I'd like (I live on the West Coast and the Fabers are East Coast-headed-to-South), I'm going to try to do all that I can for that little boy.

I may not be financially well off but I have love to spare and I'm going to make sure he's on the receiving end of it. What I can't materially give him, I can do it spiritually. At random times in the day, I've caught myself asking God to bless him. I pray for him (and his parents and big sister, Lucy). I'm also asking God to please help me be a good godmother to him because I have no idea what a godmother is supposed to do. Well, no, I know what we're supposed to do (help him grow spiritually as he grows up) but I don't know how to do it from a distance. I do plan on seeing him whenever I can afford to (financially and time-wise) but I know that, for a while, we'll still be separated by a couple thousand miles. Madrina will be praying for him (and his family) every single day. I will try to live my life in a way that will be a good example to him so that, when he grows, he can be inspired to grow closer to God. It'll be a learning experience as Neil Flynn is my first "baby" but I'm excited to learn and grow along with him.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing this with y'all... and especially you single ladies. Don't let the pains of singlehood (especially for those over the age of 25) get to you. There's so many ways we can be spiritual mothers, including to our nieces, nephews, children of our friends, and even priests. :D

Alright, I'm trying to limit my time online so that's it for me for now.

I hope y'all had a great weekend and that you have a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D