I'm Letting Him "Court" Me: Where I am in My Vocation Discernment

"Let him court you," was the phrase that popped up in my mind after nighttime prayers this past Wednesday.  "Let Jesus court you."

I started. I was putting my Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary on my bedside table and I laughed uncomfortably. "Wait, what? *awkward giggle* How can Jesus 'court' me? What does that even mean?!" I was confused as to why such a phrase would pop up in my mind. I'm still confused as to what that phrase means.

Before the New Year began, I made peace with the idea that God may be calling me to stay single. As much as my heart desires marriage and a family, I've resigned myself to God's will. If it's His will that I stay single for the rest of my life, I'm not going to fight it.

I certainly made efforts to get out there and meet people last year. It was... not fun. I didn't meet anyone I could potentially see as more than a friend. There were too many yellow and red flags. I even went on Catholic Match for a couple of weeks and was reminded of why I hate (yes, hate) online dating sites. I'm not calling it quits because of that but I have finally accepted that perhaps I'm just not meant to marry.

Does it stink? Tremendously. Am I still willing to meet more guys and date/court? Of course. I'm not closing myself off to the possibility... but I've decided to live my life as if I am going to stay single.

What does that mean? For me, it means actively pursuing my lay Benedictine oblate discernment (side note: I'm still waiting to hear back from a specific monastery). I'm no longer going to play the "what if I can't make it to an annual retreat in a couple of years because I'll have a family?" game. I'm not guaranteed a husband and/or children. However, the Benedictine lifestyle and spiritually has been wonderful for the state of my soul and spiritual life. If I am blessed with a husband and/or children in the future, I'll figure it out then.

It means planning my time and money towards things I may need as a single laywoman -- my own emergency fund, getting rid of my only debt (student loans for 3 degrees), and making sure I can take care of myself if I need to.

It means doing what I can to make sure I stay on the proper path that will lead me closer to God.

Perhaps that's what "let Jesus court you" means. Maybe it means living my life in a way that follows Christ radically (for our day and age); in a way that allows me to unreservedly give my whole heart and life to God. Perhaps letting Jesus "court" me means that I need to let go of the little apprehensions that stem from fear and lack of trust and let him guide me with the rest of my vocation discernment.

I'm also open to the possibility that "let Jesus court you" means that I'm called to become his bride as a consecrated virgin. I've discerned enough to know that the religious life isn't for me -- and I'm also too old to enter the order I would've loved to have joined if it were my vocation. If I'm called to this, it'll be a new adventure but one I'm prepared to embark on. I will certainly be in good company.

My mother -- like most parents of only children -- doesn't seem to keen on the idea that there's a possibility that I won't marry; that I won't give her at least one grandchild. However, I've entered a season of my life where, despite the love I have for her, my sole goal to is to do God's will... even if it goes against she and/or I want.

Perhaps the phrase was just a fluke; a random phrase that popped up in my head that has no actual significance. Who knows. All I know is that whatever God has in store for me, I made it my (only) resolution to continue abandoning my selfish will to His. Last year He showed me that the decision I made to abandon myself to His Divine Providence was the best decision I ever made. This year, I want to go a little further and let go of the little things I was (and, honestly, still am) afraid to let go of.

Please say a prayer for me as I start this new adventure... because it feels like a new adventure. This all feels like the start of one of the greatest and most thrilling things God will have in store for me.

Alright, Jesus... take the lead. Everyone else. welcome on the journey!

Feast of the Betrothal and My Vocation

Happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers (and my career patron!), everyone! I had originally planned to have this post up yesterday since it was the feast of the betrothal (espousals) of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph but I've had a rough couple of days so I'm posting it a day late. Better late than never, right?

You didn't know this feast existed? Well, it does! Because I tend to lean "trad," I've heard of (and seen) betrothal ceremonies amongst other young Millennial Catholics. It's a beautiful ceremony and it's on my list of things I want to do if I ever get engaged to be married. 

I've actually been thinking a lot about my vocation discernment lately. I know, I know... I'm usually quiet about this part of my life but I'll let you guys in on what's going on with me. Long story short: I'm not quite sure where I'm going in this area of my life. I've gotten to a point where I'm in need of spiritual direction (and will be receiving some in the days to come; I've already made plans with a priest I highly respect) because I feel a little lost. 

Yes, I self-imposed a dating break last summer and it was honestly the best decision because I had too much going on. Between school stress and what I had to figure out (small-v) vocation-wise, I just didn't think it was a good idea to add a fella to the mix. There was someone during that time but I took it to prayer and it became clear that it wasn't the time... nor the fella... for me and I felt at peace with that. 

I keep telling my friends that I'm pretty much resigning myself to staying single. I do want to move forward and I'm open to whatever God's will is for me... but that little voice of doubt comes up now and then and asks the same question over and over again. I'm almost 33, aren't I too old to find a good guy?

When I remembered that the feast of the betrothal was coming up, I did a novena to St. Anne. I purposely started it 9 days before the feast day. No, it wasn't, "St. Anne, St. Anne, bring me a man!" It was more "St. Anne, please help me figure out what my vocation is." If you're wondering if that means that I'm open to the possibility that I may not be called to marriage, after all, the answer is, "Yes!"

While I was doing the novena, I kept reminding myself that any vocation that God has in store for me is the perfect fit for me because it will be part of His will for me. I may very much desire to get married and have children (my heart does long for that family) but I am open to that possibly not being what will end of being my vocation. I stated as much those 9 days I prayed the novena. "May God send me the man that He has in store for me... if that is my vocation. If it isn't, may I figure out what my true vocation is."

I already know I'm not meant for a religious vocation. I discerned (and re-discerned) that in my early 20s and again in my late 20s. What I am open to are the other two options: marriage and consecrated virginity. Gasp! I know. lol. I have a great godson so I will get a taste of motherhood, albeit spiritual, if I'm not called to get married and have children of my own. Again, I greatly desire it but if it's not in His plans for me, I've resigned myself to that possibility. I'm taking my abandonment to His Divine Providence seriously, y'all.

I've been joking that Catholic Match has been stalking me on Twitter the past two days (because they have! Good grief, y'all!) but I'm not taking that as a "sign." I'm not rushing this. I've never rushed this. I've always taken any potential fellas (and there have been a couple over the years... even though I never say anything) to prayer. I've entrusted my heart to the Immaculate Heart of Mary when it comes to my vocation because I've seen people make mistakes. I've seen people get married because they felt alone and hated it... and then they regretted it. I don't want that for me. Sure, I'm getting older (I'll be 33 in May) and people like to remind me that "the window for children is closing" but don't see that as a reason to rush. 

That's where I am right now. I'm not afraid of what He may call me to do. I know some single women in their late 20s through late 30s live in fear of never marrying but I don't. I don't know if it's because I've always been an independent lady or because I've resigned myself to God's will. I know that, while there may be a disappointment if I'm not called to the vocation of marriage and family, I will find greater consolation in doing His will. I'd rather give up something I truly wanted if it's for my greater good than to go against His will. 

Sorry if this post sounds like a downer but this is the reality, folks. I may not get what I want but God will make sure that I get what I need and that's all I can truly hope for. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had a headache for nearly 24 hours now and I want to rest as much as I can. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Third Novel Plot and Dating Break Revelations

Since I'm not publishing the novel, I'm going to give you ALL the spoilers. Keep in mind: this is a bare bones summary and my target demographic is young women between the ages of 16 and 24.

Isabella ("Izzy") Sonora visits her best friend, Zoe Walker, in London post-college graduate in hopes to figure out what she wants to do -- work or go to grad school. Izzy and Zoe met freshman year of college before Zoe (an actress) booked a role that catapulted her to fame abroad. When Izzy arrives in London, she sees that Zoe is living with her actor boyfriend, Rodrigo (professionally known as "Rory") Dominguez. Izzy informs Zoe that 1) Zoe never told her that she'd been living with Rory, and 2) that she should've known that Izzy would be uncomfortable in that situation because of her faith and beliefs. Cue big fight that doesn't quite get fully resolved. Despite this, the girls make up and Izzy gets a small taste of what life in the limelight is like (from the outside; going to premieres and events with Zoe).

Rory (who was working on his popular TV show abroad for the first 2 months of Izzy's visit) returns to London. Rory is kind and thoughtful, even going as far as limiting PDA so that Izzy feels more comfortable. Rory discovers that Izzy sings and plays the guitar. After some convincing, he gets her to agree to do some covers on his YouTube channel with the condition that no one finds out her true identity. Rory has literally millions of followers on his social media accounts and Izzy wishes to remain anonymous. They change her name and they film her from different angles, keeping fans guessing throughout the 7 videos they make over the span of 3 months.

Subplot: Izzy meets Grace Mitchell, another famous actress (more so than Zoe and Rory) who becomes like a big sister to Izzy. Grace doesn't buy into the fame game. She doesn't even have a way for fans to contact her via social media though she's always friendly when she meets them in person. Izzy gets both perspectives of the entertainment business: selling yourself/your brand to become more famous (Zoe and Rory) vs. doing things for the love of the craft and eschewing the superficial side (Grace).

Eventually, Izzy finds herself emotionally attached to Rory despite her best efforts not to be. All the time spent together, all the things they've shared, leaves her confused. Grace takes her away to Bath for a week to get her mind straightened out since it's Izzy's last month of vacation. When Izzy returns to London, she finds an enraged (and clearly drunk) Zoe in denial over her breakup with Rory, who moved out and returned back to work while Izzy was away. Zoe kicks Izzy out of her flat, no explanation given. Grace takes Izzy to stay at her home with her new husband, Ben. Izzy sees what a solid, stable relationship looks like, a breath of fresh air after seeing the impassioned and volatile relationship that Zoe and Rory had.

Someone leaks Izzy's identity as "Lily" (her YouTube alias) to the press. Furthermore, this person blames her for the Zoe-Rory breakup. Rory informs Izzy that it was Zoe who leaked the info and started the rumors because she thought that they were seeing each other behind her back. A "friend" of Zoe's told her she frequently saw Izzy and Rory "meeting outside a church." What the "friend" didn't know (but the readers knew all along) was that Rory had helped Izzy sneak off to Mass for months because Zoe used to fake serious illnesses and did everything she could to keep Izzy from going to Mass. Zoe is seriously anti-religion (which was a surprise to Izzy; Zoe had always been supportive up until Izzy wasn't happy with the Zoe-Rory living arrangement) while Rory is agnostic but he respects Izzy's beliefs. In the end, Zoe is exposed and all the things she did to sink Izzy and Rory's reputations backfire quite spectacularly.

The rest of the novel (which I didn't get a chance to flesh out) would've dealt with Izzy having to make big two decisions. First, she had to figure out whether she wanted to attend graduate school in England (University of Bath), do an internship with a photographer friend of Grace's (who, surprise, was going to be Will from the Will and Lina series), or accept Rory's manager's proposal to sign as an artist to start her own music career (she was not interested in acting).

The second big decision was Rory. He confessed his feelings for her and even wanted to move to L.A. to be with her. Izzy would end up rejecting him. He had a lot of faults that she couldn't overlook; that she knew he couldn't/wouldn't give up especially in the areas of lust, sloth, and gluttony. (side note: Zoe and Rory were going to embody the 7 deadly sins between them while Izzy Grace would exhibit the 7 capital virtues throughout the novel; Zoe was the mirror opposite of Grace, Rory of Izzy).

Keep the plot in mind as I now tell you what really happened to me and how this led to my dating break...

There exist a real-life Zoe and Rory and their lives are very similar to their fictional counterparts. That's all I will say. Unfortunately, like Izzy, I also ended up developing feelings for real-life Rory. That's what got me in trouble from January through July of this year. I used to say "Oh, he's like a brother to me," but I realized that wasn't true. An emotional attachment that had developed and it affected me in ways I didn't realize until it was too late. You'd think a 31/32-year-old would know better but, oh, that's when the devil likes to mess things up; when you let your guard down and think you'll be fine. Don't let your guard down and keep God in the center of everything, even things you think you've got under control.

I never approve but I became desensitized to real-life Zoe and Rory's living together. It wasn't until the end that real-life Zoe was crassly open about things that should be left between two (married) people that I snapped out of it. I somehow didn't realize real-life Rory's problem with giving into excess and a number of other things that slowly pulled me away from the faith. I was sucked in by the kindness, the laughter, the fun, and other (superficial) good things that unintentionally made me overlook what put me in danger. I began to have doubts. I began to think that perhaps this was the right path before because I was a terrible Catholic. Oh, sweet, dumb Emmy. Thankfully, God was with me throughout it all so I didn't fall away completely... but, boy, it was a close call at one point.

Another way God has humbled me lately: I'm not as strong (spiritually or emotionally) as I thought I was. I realized that through this experience. I'm not as smart as I thought. I'm not immune to making really dumb decisions and overlooking red flags. I also don't know the faith as well as I would like, which is pushing me more into the lay Dominican path.

Because real-life Zoe and Rory were a big part of my daily life, it was hard for me to gently remove myself from their lives. I made a point to not see them or see what they were up to. Communication ceased. I blocked them from private social media accounts. I erased all virtual traces I could from my laptop and connected devices. Unfortunately, they'll still pop up unexpectedly but I know how to get myself out of those situations.

After that happened, I was shaken up... and inspired to work on my relationship with God. I knew that I needed to work on myself and my anemic spiritual life before I could go forward in any future vocation discernment. I've known my vocation is being a wife and mother (someday) but I cannot build a solid family on a rocky, unstable foundation (especially with my spiritual life in tatters) so my self-imposed dating break began. I actually considered discerning becoming a consecrated single for a couple of weeks recently before I was reminded of the peace and certainty I've felt discerning the marriage vocation.

The novel was me (mainly) working through the feelings and making sense of everything. I began to write the novel around May-June when I was slowly getting out of months worth of me being confused over my situation with real-life Rory. It was when I started writing things out that I was able to work through it all. The feelings that once existed for real-life Rory are no longer there. In fact, I can't even look at him without feeling repulsed. My spiritual life is back on track though it's going to take a while for me to get to where I was.

And, there you have it. The novel plot and the story behind the inspiration for it. I had hoped to inspire young(er) women to look at their relationships, their friendships, and their faith carefully so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap I did but I'm now seeing that perhaps an honest blog post would work better.

Also, to any young blog reader who gets a bit starry-eyed and dreams of a life like those of celebrities: please be careful. Things aren't what they seem. I'm a bit cynical when it comes to the biz because I've grown up around it and I've seen what it does to people... and I claim temporary insanity from December of last year to July of this year for thinking I could return without it affect me or my faith. I walked away from all of that when I was 20 and (despite the massive temptations to go back and work as a screenwriter last year and this year) choosing to stay away from it is what is best for me on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and even physical level.

By the way, this all connected to my St. Andrew Christmas novena and 54-day Rosary novena intentions from Advent last year because I asked God to help me reject worldly, superficial things that would hurt my soul... which came from last year's temptation to chuck it all away and return to my pre-reversion career path. What I didn't anticipate was that I was going to be tested in a way that all the worldly, superficial things were going to be presented in a neat, pretty package with sparkles and would blind me and make my anemic faith even more fragile for months. I'm incredibly grateful to God for opening my eyes because I was in a terrible place. I know that I had to go through all of this to be able to grow in my relationship with him.

That is the whole truth behind the novel inspiration, the dating break (though part two of this is coming soon), and why it's best that the novel doesn't see the light of day. It took all of this to get me to where I am now and I'm truly grateful for all the prayers and support from friends who knew what was going on and prayers from those who didn't know what was going on but could sense that I was going through a hard time. I'm still working on my relationship with God so everything else will have to wait.

That's it for now. I actually wrote this on the night of the 6th because I want to dedicate all of the 7th and 8th to finishing what is due on the 8th so, you know, if you leave my comments I won't see them until the thing is turned in. Just a heads up. :)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dating Myself

No, not dating myself in the "using outdated slang" sense though that's always a fun way to make oneself feel old amongst pre-teens. Seriously, ask any of my nieces and nephews under 11 "who let the dogs out?" or tell them to "raise the roof" and they'll look at you with a perplexed expression.

In the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, I began seeing articles about how a single people should act, what they should do, and how they could "tolerate" or even "survive" the holiday. The term "Singles Awareness Day" bugs me, plain and simple. I guess I'm just not bitter about being single and I'm going to tell you why.

I'm not saying it's easy being single. I'm a 30 year-old single lady; there are always comments, especially when people learn how old I am. Do you know how often I get told that if I don't have kids anytime soon, chances that I won't be able to "bounce back" or that the baby will be born with a number of "defects" increases? Do you know how often the fact that I'm single gets thrown in my face? Do you know how often I have to hear my mom lament (though in a jokingly way; there's still truth behind it) about not having grandchildren to friends, family, and even strangers? Let me just put it this way: if I had a dollar for every time I've heard these comments since my mid-20s, I would quite possibly be able to pay off all my student loans -- for all three degrees I've studied for (Religious Studies B.A., Communicative Disorders & Deaf Education B.S., and Biblical Theology M.A.) When Catholic folks find out I'm single, some even push me to become a nun, despite my telling them it's not my vocation. I just smile and say I'm not my vocation but we all know I can get very tired of hearing that as well. 

The single life as a Catholic seems a little more difficult sometimes. Like everyone who takes their faith and their relationship with God seriously, I have my fears regarding my future vocation. Some of those fears are a little silly, some are understandable, but all are very real to me. Though I'm fiercely independent, I still go through periods in which the loneliness has hit pretty hard. I think what's really helped me out has been learning to entrust my loneliness to God and my discernment to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Ever since I've done that, I have viewed this period of singlehood differently. Again, it doesn't mean it's easy; I've just learned how readjust how I view this season of life. I think that's why I'm not a bitter single on Valentine's Day.

I love love but I'm a romantic realist. I know what's real and what's fantasy. I love my Hallmark Channel chick flicks (especially the Christmas ones!) and romantic gestures but I know that real life is not like that. I've seen the ups and downs my friends have gone through with their spouses. I know getting married is not going to solve any loneliness I may occasionally feel. I don't expect any man to make me "feel complete" because I know only God can fill that role. I'm sort of a little ball of contradictions when it comes to this. I know enough about how I view love, romance, and my future vocation to know that my priorities are in the right place. My former spiritual director made sure I understood things. And while this is all great, there was one thing I was missing: knowing myself better.

I can do all those personality tests to find out what kind of person I am. I'm an INFP, a phlegmatic-sanguine (or a phlegmatic-melancholic, depending on the test), my love language is quality time, etc. However, this doesn't really do much to help me in terms of vocation. I think that's why I decided a little while ago (don't ask me how long; I don't keep track of these things) to "date" myself; to figure out what I can bring to a relationship or what I need to work on. I've already learned about a lot about myself -- a lot of things I either didn't want to acknowledge or accept or things I didn't know.

I've been looking at my relationships -- my relationship with my mom, my brother, and my friends (both male and female). I've noticed what makes me happy, what makes me grumpy, what my boundaries are, what I must do when I'm upset, and what will motivate me. I know that I need to communicate the fact that I'm upset when I'm in a funk because I tend to withdraw. I've learned that I need to tell those I love that I'm feeling grumpy so I can get a little bit of space to cool down. I also know that I thrive around people but that that introverted side of me still need to recharge after being around others for a couple of hours.

Last year I made my first attempts (in a long time) to actually be more active in my vocation discernment. Yes, this is a fancy way of saying that I tried my hand at dating. The experiences taught me about what I look for in a potential spouse. I've learned that I love open communication and hate leaving things unresolved. I'm surprisingly patient and open to criticism when it's done with love and no one is defensive or aggressive. While I love having my own space, I love spending quality time with the other person.While I don't like being teased too much (I'm usually Little Miss Serious Business), some people to tend to draw out the more silly and playful side of me that not many people get to see. I also learned that I don't like "online dating" websites so don't expect to see me on Catholic Match anytime soon. 

The best thing that I learned about "dating myself" is that I'm at a place in my life where I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and with my ever-growing relationship with God. I'm happy with who I am, even with the quirks and the flaws I need to learn to manage better. I'm comfortable enough to be open about them and not be ashamed for not being "perfect." I've finally figured out how I thrive and what sinks me not only in life and in my relationships but with God as well. I've learned that my heart is His until He says "alright, this man will help you grow closer to Me" and there is something absolutely beautiful about that. I've also learned that I'm never going to be done getting to know myself because, as all human beings, I'm still growing and changing. Things I liked and didn't like in my teens and 20s aren't the same now that I've entered my 30s.

Yes, things are terribly slow on the vocation (big V) front but He knows why. I know, I know... single ladies over the age of 25 (and especially in their late 20s to early-mid 30s) hate when people say that everything will happen in God's timing but I firmly believe that. Every single thing I've gone through as in some way, shape, or form helped prepare me for my life with my future husband. All I can do now is to continue praying for him and working on my relationship with God. I'm not going to dwell on being single or trying too hard to find someone but I will keep learning about myself and how to be a better version of myself for when the day comes. Now if he could only stop being such a guy and pull over and ask for directions because he's obviously lost on the highway of love... lol. ;)

I highly recommend that you lovely single ladies (and gentlemen!) get to know yourselves (even if it's stuff you don't want to acknowledge) while you wait. Don't dwell on the fact that you're single. There's so much you can do in the meantime. Learn what your gifts are, what makes you shine, what drains you, what you don't like. Take up a hobby. Do something you like, bonus points if it helps someone else. Work on your relationship with God. Learn how you thrive in relationships of all kinds, not just exclusively romantic in nature. Entrust your loneliness to God. Smile. If it's your vocation, it will happen. Take comfort in knowing that, even if the waiting time can be incredibly frustrating at times. :)

Anyway, just my two cents on this matter. Sorry I didn't post it earlier but, as I wrote yesterday, I had a couple of off days that delayed when this got published. :) And now I'm off to... I have no idea. I'm probably reading or taking a nap or watching something since I'm writing this a day in advance. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Therese and Vocation Doubts/Fears

Something funny happened to me earlier this week as I was finally putting all my living room books (which are the ones I actually want to read; not like the ones in "storage" in my book cave) to the bookcase: a prayer card I don't remember purchasing or receiving of St. Therese's was casually on top of one of my books. I didn't put it there. In fact, I had no idea I even owned this prayer card. That wasn't the funny part -- the book it was on top of was the funny bit.

If you're still wondering why I find this funny, it's very simple: she's one of the three saints I've prayed to regarding my vocation over the years and this after some vocation doubts. (side note: St. Raphael and the Immaculate Heart of Mary are the other two.) Look at the cover a little closer and you'll see that it has red roses adorning the border of the cover. I see what you're doing, Little Flower. ;)

The timing is impeccable because, as I've said, I've been having some... I don't want to say doubts but something in between doubts and fears regarding my future husband. Yes, I'm still single but a conversation I had earlier this week put some of these negative thoughts into my head.

Basically, this person and I were talking about my food allergies/intolerances. I've never been formally tested for an egg allergy but I display some of the symptoms of one... or did the last time I had any eggs. I'm getting a dairy allergy blood test done in March but I also had some of the allergy symptoms when we took it out of my diet over a decade ago. While the gluten intolerance blood test came back negative nearly 2-3 years ago, I've noticed that I feel lethargic for a couple of days after I eat a lot of wheat. When I take it out completely, I'm full of energy. I'll have to talk to my doctor about whether I'll permanently remove it from my diet or just reduce the amount that I eat but, for now, I'd rather not have any of it.

All of this -- plus what I've gone through in recent month -- made the person I was talking to say "wow, your poor future husband. What's he going to eat? I was sort of taken aback by this comment. "What do you mean?" I asked them. "Just because I can't eat something doesn't mean no one else can't. I make mom dishes that have dairy and eggs in them, no problem. I just make myself something else." The conversation then went into a place which I don't like visiting: the dungeon of fear regarding my vocation and future spouse.

In this dungeon of fears resides my biggest fear regarding my vocation: marrying the wrong person. It lives with its brother, Who the Heck is Going to Want to Endure What I Go Through? (or "Good Luck, Pal" for short) and its sister, Maybe You Didn't Discern Your Vocation Properly ("Nagging Nelly" for short). Between the three, I can have some pretty awful moments in which I question my vocation. While none of these have escaped from the dungeon in recent weeks, I got a glimpse of them during this conversation.

I'll be honest and say that, yes, I do wonder if I'll ever meet a fella who is going to say "your life isn't easy but I'm willing to endure this with you." I've always had stomach issues, even when I was a little kid. I can go weeks, months, or even years without issues as long as I take care of myself. Because of how bad recent stress levels have been, my stomach has been a pain to deal with. Thankfully I'm learning what triggers it (stress and anxiety) and what I can do to help it heal faster. Now that I'm also noticing which foods can aggravate it, it's getting better. Still, I know some people must go "wow, poor girl. So hard." A lot of people aren't aware of the multitude of options I have. I've learned to substitute eggs in baked goods with applesauce, bananas, and other things. Need flour? There's rice flour. Milk? There's so many options. I cut wheat out of my diet almost a month ago (reintroducing it briefly as part of an elimination diet) and I've still managed to gain a little bit of weight (which I'm excited about).

Sometimes I wonder if guys see this as a big obstacle. I don't like to go out to eat without checking menus and ingredient lists online first. I'd rather cook at home. In fact, I sincerely enjoy it. I just want to keep myself healthy, you know? I'm sure some guys see this as a huge hassle. Then we have other obstacle... which I personally don't see as an obstacle: my mother. Yes, there is a reason I brought her up; she was the second part of my conversation.

My mother is part of the packaged deal. While she doesn't meddle in my affairs (she's always let me make my own mistakes so I can learn and grow from them and I know she won't get involved in any squabbles I may have with future fella), I know guys don't like that. A lot of guys have basically said "oh... she's in your life that much? See ya!" I'm always going to want to live as close to her as possible because of her memory issues. I can't abandon her, you know? What a wretched thing it would be; to leave her to fend for herself during her moments in which she needs someone to help her. However, this is also part of my fear.

Taking my food intolerances and stomach issues, my occasional anxiety (which is getting better, thank goodness), and my mother being close... I sometimes fear that I'm going to stay single because no guy is going to want to deal with that. I try to remain optimistic and say that someday a guy will look at these things and go "oh, those aren't deal breakers; I want to go through this with you. We can do this together." That's my mentality most of the time... but the terrible trio of doubts will occasionally try to trip me.

Seeing the St. Therese prayer card on top of a book about dating was a sort of "hey, don't listen to those doubts; just keep praying" sign for me. No, I don't need signs but it was a lovely reminder to trust God. St. Therese was so sure of her vocation, even when she had to wait years to be allowed to enter the convent. Maybe she and I should have a conversation in the form of a novena. Maybe she can inspire me to do something more. I pray for my future husband but maybe not as often as I should. Maybe I should step up my prayers for my own vocation as well. Yes, I also pray that God prepares me for my future husband as well. I've entrusted this to the Immaculate Heart of Mary -- to help guide me to be the best wife I can be to my future husband and the best mama our future kids can have. I want to have strength where he may be weak and I'm sure God is preparing him to be strong where I'm weak.

Anyway, I'm writing this past midnight (it's almost 1 a.m. right now) because it's just something that I felt a strong urge to share on this blog. I'm not sure if I'll chicken out and delete this before it gets published but, if I don't, I hope that these rambling thoughts make sense to someone. I rarely see blog posts about fears regarding their vocations as future spouses so I hope this helps someone in the same boat.

Alright, I should try to get some sleep. It's already way past my bedtime.

I hope y'all are doing well! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Book Review: How to Get to "I Do" A Dating Guide for Catholic Women

Whoever said using Twitter was pointless was wrong. If it hadn't been for Twitter, and author Amy Bonaccorso sending me a friend request, I wouldn't have heard of this book when I was in the midst of (sort of) questioning my vocation. I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so when I was re-thinking my vocation after a particular difficult time for me this, for me, was like a sign from God to have patience and that what I was experiencing was just a little bump in the road. Now, I don't particular like talking about my relationships and that part of my life but I will disclose some things that I think will helpful when reviewing this book. By the way, for me to do this means that the book was actually helpful which is more than I can say for other books aimed for single Catholic women whose vocation is marriage.

First off, I actually ended up loving this book a lot more than I had anticipated. I've read (and reviewed) other books dealing with the same subject but I felt like this book was the only one that was realistic in how relationships truly are. Others tend to romanticize relationships. Although I am a hardcore Janeite and am a hopeless romantic, I do know that real life is not a Disney fairy tale. I like to call myself a romantic realist. A lot of books play up the romance once you find the person with whom you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with. They don't tell you about all the frogs thrown against the wall (instead of kissing them) or about how we should not have our minds clouded by visions of engagement rings and wedding bells. What I liked the most of this book is that it covers everything from the dating to after the wedding which most other books won't even go into. Amy acknowledges that we are human and that we do make mistakes and she works with us instead of preaching.

When you get to be my age (golly, that makes me sound old doesn't it? lol), people begin to question why you aren't married or with children. Especially in the Hispanic community, it's almost unheard of for a young woman to not have at least a significant other at 25. I often get questions on whether I feel my "biological clock ticking", especially since there are more complications during pregnancy as a woman gets older. I must admit that I do occasionally think about it because I do have a strong desire for children (a far cry from my "no children, thank you" stance at 20 years-old, before my reversion). At the same time, I don't want to rush myself or things so I've had a "slow and steady" view. This book covers that... and how! The chapter of "Secular Sisterhood", as well as the entire book, made me realize that I was relying way too much on having God put the guy in my path. I was stuck in the same little rut and that if I want to meet people I have to actually get out there (while still maintaining my morals and beliefs.) There were some things that were advised that I wasn't entirely comfortable with because of my temperament.

I'm actually pretty shy at first, especially when around people of the opposite sex, so of the suggestions to get out there and mingle are a bit daunting for me. It's not as easy for me to be so open right off the bat. It isn't until I feel comfortable enough with someone that I act like the goofball that I am with friends and family. I felt like my personality wasn't compatible with some of the advice in which she encourages us to actually get out there and date. I occasionally felt as if I were almost being pushed into acting in a way that is very outside my comfort level. I actually had to look within to figure out why that was and even after I figured it out, I was still not entirely sure it was for me... but that's okay. I did see where she came from and I can see why she would advice some things but I'd have to modify it to fit my own personal comfort level. I liked that I got this out of the book as I hadn't with any other before. It made me feel more confident about how I feel about dating and who I was as an individual person.

Throughout the entire thing I kept thinking about recommending it to various people, Catholic and non-Catholics alike, because it's full of great advice. Amy mentions setting a time limit with the vocation discernments which I, from personal experience, found to be excellent advice. When I was discerning my own vocation I didn't set one for myself but Fr. Leo did... at I was glad he did. He saw something in me that I was still figuring out and advised me to wait 2 years before I decided on becoming a nun. Before the two years were up I knew in my heart that the religious life wasn't for me. Discerning a religious vocation should be taken seriously and not delayed which many young women and men do. I LOVED (yes, it needed to be in caps) that she mentioned that the single life should not be the "last option" if you're not called to the religious life and can't find a person. I have seen many friends seriously consider the priesthood/religious life or becoming a consecrated single because they can't find anyone and their patience isn't the best.

This book really goes into online dating which I was a little wary on. I'm not knocking it but I've always been friends with someone before dating them and I feel like a lot of people just want to jump into relationships because they're physically attracted to someone (and only for that reason). Some people also try to present themselves in a way that they aren't (putting their best foot forward... even if it's not who they really are) which makes me a little nervous. At the end I have come to consider it because it may a little easier as I blush and stutter easily when I first meet people. I still haven't done it because I'm very cautious (hi, mostly Phelgmatic here, remember?) but I'm more open minded to the idea of using it.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I was actually going through a bit of a weird time in which I was questioning whether I had discerned my vocation properly. I had actually begun the second 54 day Rosary novena (which ended yesterday) to pray for not only my vocation but also that of a couple of my friends. It was a time when I wasn't the only one questioning their vocation but I was the only one who was sure that their vocation was that of marriage and not religious life or of being a consecrated single. Without going into much detail, I was dealing with feelings for a friend who was (and still is) discerning his own vocation while having another fella from my past show up and thus reminded me of a time in which I seriously considered becoming a Carmelite nun. It was a lot of fun. lol. I also had other things that contributed to my confusion. Since I don't have a spiritual director at the moment (and haven't had one since Fr. Leo passed away a little over a year ago) I was trying to make sense of everything without much help. The novena (which is always hard at first) was something I started hoping to either be at peace with my vocation or to help me figure things out. I didn't like that I was going into a spiritual desert (which I endured throughout most of Advent almost up until Christmas). A couple of days into novena came friend request and the eventual purchase on Amazon. It was the best decision I made during my time in the spiritual desert and it helped me make sense of the feelings I had for a friend with some amazing epiphanies that helped me greatly.

If I had to summarize this book in a nutshell I'd call it advice you'd get from an older sister who wants the best for you... without being preachy. A lot of dating/courtship/relationship books aimed for Christian women are a little too much. While I do agree that God should have a place in a relationship, this book doesn't shove it down your throat. It didn't have a "if you don't do this and this and that then you're displeasing God and thus ruining your relationship" vibe. Again, she acknowledges that everyone is different and that we're not perfect which takes the pressure off of feeling like we must behave in a certain way. I would definitely recommend this book for single women AND men (and I was mentally making a list of which guy friends I'll personally speak to about this book) of all ages. :D

I don't think this is the last time I will write about vocations as I'm taking a Theology of Marriage and Family class, but I think this is it for now. ;). lol. I hope y'all have had a great week thus far... and that I've peaked the curiosity in some of you enough to make you want to read this book. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Re-evaluating Everything.

It's a bit frustrating to have all my plans up in the air. I had good plans a few weeks ago, then came exciting new plans. Those new plans brought out a side of me I never thought I'd see and it made me very uncomfortable. In the end, I don't know what I am going to do after all. As posted in the previous post, I was so excited about these new plans that had re-surfaced. I had it all planned out. I had a clear vision of it in my mind and I had started to do the research. I also noticed that as soon as I had accepted the newer plans, I had started to not care about certain (important!) things anymore. Worst of all, I started getting thoughts where I started questioning certain things I believed in. Once I realized that, I was thrown into a tailspin. I've been working really hard to get rid of the liberal side of myself (which has been hard as I've grown up surrounded by extremely liberal people) and this new thing had started pulling me back into that state of mind. It's incredibly stressful. On the one hand, I know I am capable of doing the project without compromising my beliefs and actually turning it into something positive. On the other hand, my biggest worry is that I'll be way too weak to actually pull it off and that I'll also do something I will later regret.

Of course, there's more to it. There were a lot of issues that were going to be a problem (which is what I was researching). Differences were going to make things a lot harder. Everything from dating issues (such as premarital sex -- being Catholic and being opposed to it while dating an Agnostic who puts a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of the relationship) to political/social issues (one person being moderate when it comes to a lot of issues, the other being extremely liberal)... all of that makes life difficult. I was sincerely up for the challenge until I saw that it was going to pull me away from the Church. It might have been little things but even doubting those tiny things makes me extremely nervous.

If this makes no sense, I sincerely apologize. I was talking about working on a screenplay, but the thought of getting into the business and working with people who will try to change me just isn't my cup of tea. I've known (through school and friendships) people who do it for a living and I have absolutely no desire to go through what they do. So, I've axed those "dreams" and will continue writing my novel, as planned.

I had a very strange dream last night where I was asking for the Virgin Mary's help because I'd literally become someone who I didn't recognize. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was, physically, a different person. I remember that once I started praying and kept saying "Hail Mary" over and over, I slowly began looking like myself again. I actually saw myself physically transform back to what I actually look like. Then my father said something about my grandmother and praying for her because she was about to die (in real life, she passed away 3 years ago this March). He also mentioned praying to the Virgin Mary and praying 3 Hail Marys. When I woke up, I felt like I did before all these doubting thoughts came into my mind. I asked God for a sign last night (after this rather... odd... incident I had when I was by myself) as to what to do. After the incident and the dream, I know exactly what I will be doing during Lent (I was still going back and forth between giving up football matches and the internet). So, for Lent, I will be dedicating myself to praying more than I ever have and hopefully I'll get an answer as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with everything that's going on. Not just with the project but with almost everything in my life because everything is in question at the moment.

Alright, well, I am exhausted for some reason (I feel like I haven't slept even though I have) so I will go take a nap and then get back to answer e-mails and comments on facebook. I originally had a post about football (and footballers) planned but it can wait until tomorrow. Liverpool's playing so it'll give me more to write about... especially if they don't screw it up again. lol. Bring on international break!

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

The City, Dating Advice and the Application Mambo.

I spent a good portion of my day in the city (I live in the suburbs). I got to see my Godmother at her office (she's a lawyer amongst other things), which is always awesome. Even though I'm definitely a city girl, I will never get used to the traffic. My goodness... if I had a penny for every time I've been stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I'd be incredibly rich. Not Bill Gates rich but pretty close. lol. For those who have ever been in big cities like New York City or Los Angeles, then you know that the streets are also disgusting -- especially the downtown areas. The smell of pee and other foul odors are the norm... a very nauseating norm but a norm nonetheless. Thankfully, I didn't really have to deal with that at my Godmother's office but *gag* I will never go into another fast food restaurant in (and around) the downtown area. Haha. *shudders* Despite that, I still liked being out in the city because I get to be amongst the chaos... which I sometimes love. I love watching people in business suits walk in and out of offices. I probably love that whole scene because I hope I never have to do that and I'm secretly happy I'm not. lol. A 9-to-5 job, especially in an office, is unappealing to me. My Godmother actually had hopes of me joining her when I graduated college until I took that criminal law course and absolutely hated it. Sorry, I'm more of an artist at heart. :D

One awesome thing I got to experience in that little while I was at my Godmother's office... hanging out with her son (would it be correct to call him my Godbrother?) who also works there. He's so rad; I love him! He, along with my Godmother's other son and daughter (who's also my first communion Godmother), has known me since I was born so I'll always be "the baby." In fact, they still call me that despite the fact that I haven't been a baby for over 2 decades. Every time they talk to my mom they always ask how "the baby" (me) is. lol. Anyway, every year my Godbrother (?) imparts great wisdom on me. This year is was about dating. I'm going to stop there because I don't like talking about my love life. Let's just say that he made me re-evaluate a lot of things and made me realize other things. Overall, SO GLAD he gave me the advice. it's great to be able to talk to someone who's been there-done that (he just got married a few months ago)... especially someone of the opposite sex. Whoo! :D And I also found it a bit ironic all this advice came, out of the blue, at a time when I actually needed to hear it. It has to be a sign. Haha.


Okay, well, it's not too late (it's nearly 10 p.m.) but I've just finished doing the application mambo so I am exhausted. What is the application mambo? For me, it was filling out the re-activation form at my school (because I am taking this semester off), filling out applications to have some transcripts sent to my school, filling out the financial aid forms (FAFSA to my fellow American college students) and just filling out so many applications that ask you the same questions over and over again that you can make a mambo (dance) out of it. lol. And, wow, that has to be the longest run-on sentence in history. Haha. I'm sorry. lol. Since I have to go back into the city tomorrow, I have to get to bed early to get up early in hopes of beating rush-hour traffic. I wonder, is there a patron saint for traffic... or to help avoid traffic? If anyone knows, please leave me a comment with the answer.

That is all for now. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D