5 Things You May Not Know About Me

There is a lot of negativity online today so I thought I'd lighten things up a bit with 5 random things you may not know about me. I've done this 3 times in the past (in 2009, 2011, and 2013) but these are new facts for y'all. ;)

1. In recent months/weeks, I entertained the idea of moving to a foreign country to work with a well-known company as a writer for a popular TV show. I have to remain vague about the details for many reasons but it took me a good week and a half to talk myself out of it earlier this month. I considered it very seriously but ultimately decided that it was not the right time. Actually, I don't think it'll ever be the right time or career path for me. I know myself well enough to know that, while it would be an amazing opportunity, it would derail me in major ways. I saw myself defaulting to some of the terrible habits I had pre-reversion. I didn't want to throw away all the work I've done in the past decade to better my relationship with God. Yes, working for their company would be a dream -- as would the opportunity to write for a living -- but my life is taking a different direction. I'm still trying to get over it. lol.

2. This one is for you sports fans: I have a favorite football (soccer) team in almost every major league. FA Premier League (England): Liverpool F.C. Scottish Premier League: Celtic F.C. La Liga (Spain): Barcelona. Bundesliga (Germany): Bayern Munich. I don't watch League 1 (France) or Serie A (Italy) so I don't have one there. In the MLS, I fear my loyalty to the L.A. Galaxy might be wavering with the Seattle Sounders looking like a possible replacement. In the Mexican Primera Division, I'll be disowned by my brother if I don't root for Santos which is the sister club on Scotland's Celtic FC so it works out for me. lol. Liverpool and Celtic are the two I follow the most closely and will actually get up at 4 a.m. (Pacific Time) to watch a match. Also, fun fact: Celtic FC is considered the Catholic team in the SPL as opposed to Rangers which is considered the rival Protestant team. I may write about this in the future. Hint, hint.

3. Despite being an academic nerd and working hard towards my current degree, I'm not actually career oriented. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want a career; I've just chosen to not make my career my life. I'll be honest and admit that I would rather be a homeschooling stay-at-home mom who writes or works as a photographer in the free time I'd find. However, I'm still going to pursue my current career path (as a speech-language pathology assistant) because I love that I'll be able to help others and I adore working with kids. If I have to stay at home with my (future) kids and take care of the house, I'd love it. If I have to be a working mom, that would also be fine... but I'll never put work ahead of my family. It's not who I am. This will surprise no one who has known me long enough; I passed up the opportunity to study in both England and Canada to stay home and help my parents, both before and after my father passed away.

4. Although I don't often share what I photograph, I'm constantly taking pictures. No, not selfies. I actually don't like selfies all that much and I actually challenged myself to get over my dislike of them last year. Those who follow me on my (private) Instagram account are probably going "Ohh!" right about now. lol. My father got me hooked on photography at an early age and I even took a photography course as my elective my senior year of high school. I like taking pictures of things that inspire me; that I find beautiful. Most of the ideas I get are spontaneous and are usually detail oriented. I don't think I will ever make a career out of it but I love it either way. I'm actually saving up for a high-quality camera so that I can do it more often in my spare time.

5. I have the weird (but true) reputation of being a "husband maker." Meaning my ex-boyfriends (and, apparently, guys who've had crushes on me) have married the next girl they've dated after me. It started with my childhood sweetheart who married young (as soon as we turned 18, I believe) and it's continued as recent as a year ago. I apparently help prepare them and we always end up good friends but we're never right for each other beyond friendship. *shrugs* I don't even know. lol. I've also been the "wing-woman" to many of my guy friends and have helped them plan their proposals to their (now) wives. Maybe I should consider becoming a wedding planner. Ha!

And that's it for now. My rainstorm-induced headache ('sup, built-in weather predictor?) is keeping me from studying and I think the light from the laptop is making it worse so I'm going to take a break from staring at the screen and enjoy an audiobook and a cup of tea for a little while.

I hope you all have a lovely end of the week and a great weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merging Two Cultures; The Mission Continues; Catholic Blogs.

I interrupt my studying/homework thing for a much needed blog. Okay, so the blog isn't necessarily needed but I need this break for the sake of my sanity. I only have about two more pages to write (or roughly 500 words) and then I am done. So close... so close! lol.

I know it's not Music Monday, but, darn it, I am having music problems... sort of. It's music and cultural problems. First, I have to find a way to merge Mexican folklorico with Spanish flamenco into one dance. How I'm going to do that, I have NO clue. All I know is that if I don't find a way, there's a good chance I will offend either the Mexican or Spanish side of the familia. I've already been advised to just stomp my feet a lot. Haha! Yes, they have that in common but doing too much of that will only make my feet angry at me. I don't even want to think about the music, or even what I'll be wearing. Oy. I'll figure something out.

This is something I have to do quite often, and sometimes it's hard because I think there's still some bad blood between both countries/cultures. If I say I really want to go to Spain (especially for the World Youth Day in two years), but decline an invitation to vacation in Mexico, I get "the look". I want to eat posole but not paella, or vice versa, I get "the look". It doesn't help that when I speak Spanish I don't have an accent... and when I do, the dialect is more Spanish (Castilian) than Mexican. The only safe thing that I can talk about, without offending either, is the religion. Thank goodness both are primarily Catholic (though Spain seems to be more and more secularized than Mexico). I can show my love of St. Teresa of Avila (a Spanish saint) and St. Juan Diego (a Mexican saint) and have everything be fine. I love that there's no religious intolerance between these cultures.

While there are no religious issues between countries, I am still struggling with it in my family. One parent refuses to go to Mass (and even puts up a fight every Saturday I go to confessions and every Sunday I want to go to Mass). The other is a little more willing but I've probably gone to Mass by myself more often than not recently. I even volunteer to go to the Spanish Masses so they can go, but nothing. When I told my mom I was open to a religious vocation, a while back, she was against the idea. I have since then figured out that it is not what the Lord has in store for me, which made her happy. Her reaction, she says, comes from attending a Catholic boarding school and having to deal with "mean nuns" in her childhood. The only people that have had an influence on me have been my mom's Godparents (whom we don't see often), one of my paternal aunts, and my paternal grandmother (may God rest her soul). In fact, I still have a mantilla my grandmother handmade for me before she passed away a few years ago. She used to go to Mass every day with her veil. I remember her wearing them, when she took to take me to Church as little girl. There's something about that that I find absolutely beautiful. I've had a couple of priests ask me how it's possible that I'm so into the faith, while my parents are the opposite. Trust me, I don't know. All I know is that my mission to get my parents back to the Church continues. I've seriously made that my ultimate goal and I won't quit until I get them to come back. And if you know me well enough, you know I'm stubborn enough to get this to happen... eventually. Haha. I only use the "stubborn mode" for good. lol.

I should probably stop writing and get back to my homework. *groan* Just two more pages and I am done for the week. I'll only have one more class to work on (which I can finish in about half an hour) and I will have the weekend free. Whoo! :D Alright, I'm off to watch the Seattle Sounders vs. New York Red Bulls match... while I finish my Speech assignment. Yes, it CAN be done. It's impossible during a Liverpool F.C. match, especially with the amount of screaming, dancing, and celebrating I do (teehee :D), but for all others I can multi-task. :D.

Oh, before I go, I'd like to point out that I have a couple of new Catholic blogs listed. A few were requests and a few were added because I thought they deserved to get more readers; I liked all of them. If you're a St. Jude devotee (like me; he IS my patron saint, after all), St. Jude Novena Blog is a great place to visit. And, Verbum Veritatis (Word Of Truth) is one of my new favorites, as well. If I have yet to add yours, please let me know. I want to help y'all get more readers. :)

I'm stalling, aren't I? Okay, I'll shut up now. lol. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Quick Update; Thank you St. Christopher!

Hey guys. Sorry for yet another brief message because I'm a busy little bee. I have FINALLY caught up with all my schoolwork... but I decided to do extra work (extra credit is awesome!) so back to the books for me. But just letting you, I will hopefully have a full blog tomorrow. I have a lot of exciting news that involves this blog as well as one of my little sisters' website. :D

Anyway, also wanted to give a THANK YOU to St. Christopher. Someone told me he was the patron saint of athletes/sports. I know someone else is but I forgot who so I asked St. Christopher to PLEASE help Steven Gerrard (Liverpool captain) make his 100th goal during today's game... and he did like 2 seconds after I asked. So, thank you St. Christopher! :D

Alright, I need to get back to doing my things... after a nap. I think I'm getting a cold again. Ugh! Blame the crazy Southern California weather we've been having lately. 99 degrees Fahrenheit? Seriously? eesh.

Hope everyone's well. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Go Liverpool!; Anxiety and Catholicism, St. Dymphna.

I just watched the Liverpool vs. Sunderland game and let me tell you, Fernando Torres is a monster (in a good way)! Haha. I yelled and celebrated before saying "Torres, you are one beautiful man for scoring!" lol. I get a little too into soccer matches, especially if they are Liverpool matches. If my neighbors hadn't woken up by 9:30 a.m. (remember I'm on the U.S. West Coast), they definitely did with my yelling. Haha. I hope they will continue to do well throughout the season. And, good luck to everyone's team... even if you are a Manchester United (ugh) fan (like one of my best friends is). Yes, it is possible for Liverpool and Man Utd fans to be friends. Haha. :D

Oh, and before I continue with what I want to write about anxiety and Catholicism, the EEG test went a lot quicker than I had anticipated. My mom said it took them 45 minutes from start to finish. That strobe light that flashes when you have your eyes closed totally messed up my calm/zen feeling but it wasn't anything I couldn't control. Thank goodness that was only for about 2-3 minutes though. eesh. My props to those who have had that test done with anxiety worse than mine. You are brave souls.

And while I'm on the topic of anxiety (see how nicely it flows into the main topic? lol), I've noticed that quite a number of people who read the blog have discovered it while searching for anxiety related things that have to do with Catholicism. While I had my pretty strong attack yesterday (the EEG test has thrown me off balance a bit), I had an epiphany... which was actually a repeat of the first one I had a few weeks ago.

For some time now, I've asked the Lord to give me peace of mind when I have my anxiety attacks. It's very easy (depending on how bad your anxiety is) to completely wig out and start with the negative thoughts. "Oh, I'm going to die", "Something's wrong with me!", "I'm never going to get better!", "I'm hopeless", etc. I've had some of those thoughts before, particularly during the really intense attacks, but I've completely put myself in the hands of the Lord so I feel more at ease when I get sick. I think that when you do something like that, you feel more in control (in a sense) because you know that whatever happens it's because it's the Lord's will. Every time I get sick now, I say, "Please give me the strength to overcome this, if it's the Lord's will. If I have to endure it for a longer period of time, please give me the strength and courage to deal with this for as long as I have to." I've had anxiety for years (since I was 15) but I've gotten to a point where it no longer gets to me the way it used to because I've realized that I can only get stronger from it. Yes, I have attacks and sometimes those attacks make me feel like the world is caving in around me, or I get so frustrated that all I can do is cry. But then I remind myself that there are people in this world who are so far worse than I am.

There are people who have illnesses and circumstances that are very grave. There are children, who are defenseless, who suffer from things like life-threatening cancer. Innocent people suffer far worse than I do. It really makes you put things into perspective. Yes, I (and others who have anxiety and other nervous illnesses) go through something that's indescribably horrible... but at least we have hope of getting better. I think people should be more grateful for all they have and should focus on helping others who truly need it. And, also, it's always important to remember that we're never alone. God never leaves those in need alone, EVER. Just when things get really bad, remind yourselves that the Lord never gives you anything that you can't handle. There's a reason why we go through what we go through; we just have to have faith that it's all part of God's plans for us. We might not understand the reason, but there is one and it's only going make us stronger. Just think of this verse from the Bible:

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. And so shall the peace of God, which exceeds all understanding, guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

There are many more, which I will hopefully have them all written in a blog fairly soon -- like before I start Fall semester in a week.

One thing we Catholics can also do is pray to St. Dymphna for her intercession. St. Dymphna was an Irish martyr. She was killed by her father, who had gone mad after the death of his wife, for refusing to marry him. You can learn more about her at her wikipedia page (it's legit). I've prayed for her intercession numerous times when I've gone through particularly bad anxiety periods and she's NEVER let me down. I can feel myself very calm after a few minutes of praying the Holy Card I have of her. I scanned it in for those of you who would like to have it (just click on it to make it bigger).



I think the most important thing we can do is pray and have faith that everything will turn out for the best. Pray the Rosary when you're going through a bad time. It's completely amazing how I've completely engrossed myself in prayer and it's brought such peace into my heart, I've been able to eliminate anxiety very quickly.

Alright, I've already written more than I intended to. When do I not? lol. Oh, and quick update: I'm making HUGE steps on the novel/screenplay I'm working on. I'm so excited that God's been blessing me with such an amazing creative kick. I hope I do a good job on it... especially since there might be plans to turn it into a film (which may be filmed at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe -- did I just give something away? I think I did. *gasp* lol.) *crosses fingers* Okay, wow, I need to stop writing. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Best Day Ever!; Participating in Mass; Bon Voyage!

Raise your hand if you've had the best day ever. *raises both hands and waves them around, excitedly*. Haha. I'm such a dork. :D Yes, I've had an amazing day, THANK YOU, GOD! I honestly don't know what I did to deserve such a fantastic day but I thank God for giving me a day like today. After helping my parents out with financial issues (seriously, I cannot say "No" to them), they surprised me by taking me to a soccer shop where they sell jerseys and whatnot from all the clubs all over the world -- including those of my favorite teams. Can we say WHOOOO?! lol. As soon as we walked in, I spotted the Liverpool jerseys. Seriously, I don't know how but I spotted them within 30 seconds on being in the store. Haha. Unfortunately, they didn't have any ladies jerseys (either old or the newer ones). Bummer. They did have men's jerseys and stuff but I wanted a ladies one. AND they didn't have any of the players names in the back. I think I'm going to save up to order a jersey from the official club website... so I can get Daniel Agger's name and number on the back (Agger 5). I think Dad wanted to get a Spain jersey but didn't. Mom surprised me by buying me an official Liverpool crested cap, though. They had scarves and other things but I'd prefer the cap. It's an LFC thing, it's red, and it blocks out the sun (I HATE getting tanned) so it all works out for the best. lol.

After my little "SQUEE!" moment at the soccer shop (so many things, to little time), we went to Mass. It was Fr. John's first Mass at our parish so it was special. We got there like half an hour earlier than usual but it was okay. It gave us a chance to get one of the best seats. Several minutes into the Mass, this man walks towards my mom and I (who were the only ones who went to Mass; Dad refused again *sigh*) and asks us if we want to take the Altar Cloth up to the altar and put it on there. I was like "What? ME?!" Mom was so into it, she pushed me to go. Haha. Now, you have to remember that typically, I am like "NOOOO!" about these things because of my anxiety. But, I thought to myself that this would be a special thing that I could do (and with my mom no less); to have more of an active participation during Mass. I agreed to do it and when we got the okay, we walked up to the altar and got it all set up for the Eucharist. I have to admit, my heart was pounding at first (and said a silent prayer to St. Dymphna) because I HATE being the center of attention. HATE IT. Why do you think I stopped performing? lol. But, anyway, I was happy and honored to have done it (and, look ma, no anxiety! WHOOO! lol). I sure picked a good day to get dolled up. lol. This was the first time I've gotten really dressed up (heels included) for Mass in a long time. Usually I feel so physically horrible (or really anxious) so I'm not worried about what I wear (though I do make an effort to look nice) but, for some reason, I woke up wanted to get all dressed up and I'm glad I did. lol. So, yay! Mass was a little more special to me than usual. :D

Also, after Mass, this woman who used to be our neighbor over 14 years ago saw me and she came right up and hugged me. I was like "Uh... do I know you?" because I didn't recognize her until the light bulb went off in my head. Ironically, I had just asked my dad if he remembered the lady and her daughters last Tuesday, after the Earthquake, because they lived here during the big one in 1994. I remember that my dad got the cars out of the garage and the two little girls and I slept in the car (the earthquake happened at 4:30 a.m.) until the sun came up. I had no idea they attended our parish so it was lovely to see old friends again. I got so many hugs, they'll probably last me a long time. lol.

ACK! Barcelona is playing against Chivas de Guadalajara (Mexican club) and I want to go watch it. I didn't write as fast as I wanted. But, before I go, I should mention that I am going to be going out of the country (YES!!!!) next weekend for a few days so if you don't get an update from me, that's why. I hope to take many pictures... as many as my dinky little memory card will let me take. lol. I do plan on visiting churches from the city/country I'll be visiting so watch out for those.

Alright, well, I guess that's all. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Mother's Day Adventures, EPL Season is Done *sad sigh*, and Je Ne Comprends Pas!

It's a few minutes after midnight so... it's officially the day of the American Mother's Day. Happy mother's day to any and all mothers that might read this blog. :D And before anyone asks... I gave my mother a ring with an angel on it and I also signed her name (as well as the names of my 3 Godmothers) to a list of all the mother's being honored with a Mother's Day Novena at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. I don't think I'll ever be able to top that gift because mom said it was the best present I could've given her. Maybe the birth of her first grandchild will top that. Sorry, mom, but you'll have to wait quite a while for that since I have no intention of getting married anytime in the near future.

Mother's Day was hectic, but fun! I got my mom to go with me to Mass at my old parish. I loved it for many reasons... 1) I got one of my parents to attend Mass with me, 2) I love my old parish, and 3) it was awesome to see Fr. Leo and Fr. James again. In fact, when Fr. Leo was going around sprinkling Holy Water on everyone, he came to my section, saw me... did a double take and came back and sprinkled me with some more Holy Water. Yes, that's right... I got it twice! lol. After Mass, Fr. Leo jokingly said that he hoped he didn't drown with me all that Holy Water. lol. I think he wanted me to be twice as blessed, especially since he knows about my situation with my anxiety. Gotta love Fr. Leo! :D I also got to talk to Fr. James (had a confession with him) about how I'd said the Lord's name in vain and he said that since I didn't intentionally say it, and that I seemed genuinely sorry for having said it (I had tears when I confessed because that's how much I hate offending Him), that it wasn't a mortal sin... that it was probably a venial sin. He thinks I'm too hard on myself and that I'm very sensitive. I don't think I'm hard on myself but I agree that I am sensitive. It's funny, I'm sensitive about certain things but not every thing. :D Anyway, after Mass, and after Fr. James blessed my new rosary and scapular, we did a bunch of errands and were in the car for most of the afternoon. It really was too much traveling in the car. Oy! But, we got things done, which is important. :D

When we got home, I was about to watch the final Liverpool game of the season (it was aired as a delayed broadcast) against Tottenham. What a GAME! Dad and I were on the edge of our seats at the end. We kind of bagged on poor Voronin until he scored then we just said sorry. lol. I was super excited when Torres scored! 24 Premier League goals, 33 total in all competitions, in his first season in England! El Niño is on fire! While it's disappointing that we didn't win anything this season (and that we finished 4th in the League), I am excited about next season. Bummer that I'll have to wait until August, when I'll be moving. *le sigh* I will miss you, my beloved English Premier League (EPL). Well, at least I have the MLS and upcoming international games. :D Oh and how about a shou tout to the U.S. Women's National Team! They beat Canada's Women's team 6-0. Yes, you read that right... Six to Nil! You go girls! :D

Okay, now, I have a little dilemma... Je ne comprends pas le Français! I seriously need to better my French if I ever want to read "Pythagore, je t'adore" by Patrick Cauvin. Not just that, I need to learn it soon or else I am not going to understand NADA when I go to France! I understand quite a bit of French, and I definitely have the ability to say the basic words I can actually speak with the proper accent/pronunciation, but I am NOWHERE near where I'd like to be. Does anyone know of a good program that will be helpful? Don't even bother recommending Rosetta Stone, I heard it's overpriced (well, I know this for a fact) and that it's not as good as people think. Any suggestions, please feel free to leave me a comment! I'll have to investigate where I can learn French without it being too painful (or time consuming).

Alright, well, it's nearly 1 a.m. and I have another long, busy day... that starts in a few hours. *groan* So tired! Sorry for babbling on. I seem to be doing quite a bit of that lately, don't I? Sorry! :D As usual, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Soccer (!!!), and Anxiety in Mass and in General, Lost Medal, and Prince Caspian.

I've had 3 really good games in the past 20-some odd hours. The U.S. Women vs Australia was AWESOME... and I dare say the best of the 3 games I watched. :D The U.S. Women's team never fails to impress me. It's one of the most consistent teams that I root for. It's a shame that there is virtually no coverage or advertisement for them. I understand that soccer, and basically all other sports, are viewed as male sports but they should really take notice at how awesome the women teams are. Some of the women national teams are WAY BETTER than the male ones. Women teams like the U.S., Germany, and Brazil are right there, if not better, than their male counterparts. It's just a shame that they get no coverage. I sound like a broken record, eh? Well, it's true. Anyway, I LOVED the game we played against Australia. The second half was not that great for us (we were 3-1 at half time) because of mistakes but we still manage to beat 'em. :D They're playing again in a few days but I doubt I'll get to see it because they rarely air the games.

Every time I see the women play, I get the urge to play as well. It makes me sad to think that I could've played throughout high school and eventually college if I hadn't switched to a charter school. I was quite athletic when I was younger. I played soccer, basketball, ran track and field, etc. You name it, I probably played it. I loved soccer probably the best. I always have. I've played as a goalkeeper, midfielder, and but mostly as a forward -- which was my position up until I stopped. So sad. I had problems with my right (I think) foot so I had to stop doing that and running track. So sad. :'( I might start playing again at my new school -- even though it's just for fun. Anyway, all power to the U.S. Women's for kicking tush and taking names! :D P.S. Brazil's Marta is a POWERHOUSE! I would've loved to have her play for the U.S. and be a striking partner for Abby Wambach. That would've been insane -- in a good way! But, alas, she was born in Brazil and not the U.S. Le sigh. lol.

The other two games I had a pleasure of enjoying: the L.A. Galaxy at Real Salt Lake (it was a tie) and Liverpool v Manchester City (last game at Anfield this season). Galaxy game was GOOD! Don't let the 2-2 score fool you, it was an awesome game. The only beef I have with the game was when that one dude from RSL pushed Alan Gordon into the barricades... and then Gordon pushed him back and got in his face. I honestly thought fists were going to be a-swingin' but, thankfully, they didn't and all they got were yellow cards. We need Gordon (the partnership between Becks and Landon is already awesome but Gordon brings more to it!) and a red card would've stunk. As for the Liverpool game this morning... eh. lol. It was a good game but I was maybe expecting more. Maybe it's because I was spoiled with awesome games yesterday. *shrugs* Either way, Torres' goal was great (per usual) and I got to see Nery Castillo play for Man City. I didn't get to watch the entire game because I had to leave for Mass.

Oy... Mass with my anxiety is a nightmare sometimes. Not to say that Mass is a nightmare! OH NO! Mass is one of the most wonderful things you can possibly do/attend on a regular basis. When you have anxiety, like I do, and it strikes when you least expect it - then it because a nightmare. The past couple of weeks, I've had no anxiety when attending Mass. Today, I made it through about 35-40 minutes before I really couldn't take it (I was lightheaded and I felt VERY faint). I left for a few minutes but hung around the side to see when they were giving communion so I could go and receive it. So, when the time came to get in line, I got in line and received the Eucharist. I've been told that when my anxiety gets as bad as it did today, so leave for a few minutes and try to received communion when the time comes. I wasn't too happy that I didn't make it through the entire Mass today but I'm grateful that I even went and that I, at least, stuck it for as long as I could. I actually lasted a good 20 minutes after my anxiety started getting bad... which is a record for me. (Oh, and the reason why I didn't attend Mass on May 1st -- which was a day of obligation -- was because of my anxiety).

These past couple of days have been just horrible, in terms of the anxiety felt, for me. I've had way too much unwarranted drama going on with a former friend, on top of all these other things I've been dealing with, so that just didn't help. I think that that is one of the main causes for why my anxiety has been so out of control lately. Prior to all the problems I had with this former friend, if I had anxiety it was the kind that I could control and it wasn't that bad. But since I've had problems with this former friend, the anxiety's been just horrific. I've been stuck (on and off) in bed for a few days (hence lack of updates) because the anxiety can be very debilitating. I think I scared my sister a few days ago when we were chatting online because I felt like I was going to just straight up pass out there and then. I'm not blaming this former friend for all my anxiety, I will take part of the blame... I probably shouldn't have been as blunt and straightforward as I was with him (I tend to forgive and forget... up to a point, that is), but the situation just didn't help matters. I also think that the reason why my anxiety's been worse than before was because I hadn't had drama of this kind in a long time and this just came out of the blue. I honestly believe that my body is reacting to this anxiety all weird because I haven't been used to it, nor did I know how to handle this particular situation. Thankfully, I am not freaking out as badly as I would've a few months ago, but still... it sucks. I totally don't like feeling this lightheaded/fatigued/horrible feeling. Ugh. I guess I should be thankful that I understand why these things are happening. I am incredibly blessed to have the love and support of my parents (especially my mama) and my friends to get through these made times. Trust me, I've beat myself up over what happened (because I always feel like everything is my fault, even when it isn't) and they are there so stop me and tell me that what I did wasn't wrong and that I dealt with it as diplomatically as I could under the circumstances. All I have to say about this whole situation is God Bless him. I have absolutely no ill feelings towards him. Life's too short and precious to dwell on the negative.

St. Dymphna, please help me control this anxiety which has taken a hold of me.

Oh, and one really sad thing that happened yesterday at confessions -- I LOST MY MIRACULOUS MEDAL!!! :( It was my source of comfort (I used to take it out and hold it in my hand when I had anxiety) but I no longer have it. :'( I will have to get a new one, get it blessed by a priest again and make sure I don't lose it again. Ironically, I lost it at the same parish I found it (I did actually find it). It's kind of funny that it happened. Perhaps I found it when I needed it the most and lost it when someone else needed it the most. I hope that it brings the comfort it brought me, to whomever found it. :D

And, to not end this blog on a downer, what's happening in about 3 and then 12 more days?! PRINCE CASPIAN PREMIERE! OH YEAH! lol. I'm a huge Narnia fan so I'm so excited to see the latest installment of the series. I'm actually, God willing and if my anxiety is ok, attending a premiere party for the film with a good friend of mine. *singing* I'm excited! I'm excited! I can't wait to see how much the kids have grown as actors. :D I have the urge to squeal like a schoolgirl but I won't. lol.

Alright, well, I have things to do before my anxiety strikes back (it's in control at the moment) so I shall go do that. Thanks for reading, and God Bless. :D
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Quick Update

I'm in a bit of pain (grr!) but just wanted to write a quick hello. If anyone is wondering, Liverpool did NOT go onto the finals to see Manchester United but I am SO incredibly proud of my Red men for fighting 'til the end! A lot of people were expecting me to be angry and depressed but I'm not because I'm just so proud of my team. :D

And, a BIG exciting thing that happened today -- dad had his LAST chemotherapy session, at least for a while. We're going to wait what the results of his tests are but we're optimistic that dad won't have to take chemo anymore. *fingers crossed*

Alright, well, I need to get myself back into my bed, lay down on my stomach and watch the rest of Brief Encounter (which I love -- so beautifully acted!). Thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Another Unpleasant Dream, Boredom, and Quizzes Galore.

Yup, I had ANOTHER dream where I was fighting against evil. It was weird, the dream was intense (not as intense as yesterday's) but I did my fair share of defending myself against this evil. I think I called on Our Blessed Mother to help me out this time but I don't really remember. I am beginning to understand my dreams and why I have particular ones. It's weird... but in a good way. :D Now, if I could just have a dream about like winning the lottery so I can pay off my EXPENSIVE tuition, that would rock. Even if it's only a dream, I'll take it! lol.

So, not much went on today. It was an overall boring day. Well... except when we couldn't find the Emma DVD I had to return to Netflix. That was FUNNY! We searched everywhere except under this one notebook I have with me... and that's EXACTLY where it was. Haha. Oh man, that was hilarious. But, then again, I'm easily amused. :D Mom decided to take a little break and explore the city. New York City, that is. :D So, we spent the evening getting ourselves lost On the Town with one of my favorite men. Oh, I should say one of OUR favorite men (mom, and I believe sis as well, give him the thumbs up as well.) I believe mom wants to go to Paris next, and then make a detour to Scotland to see if I can find the fabled Brigadoon before ending up back in Hollywood. Anchors Aweigh, my boys. ;) We'll have to figure out when we'll have time to do that. I'm hoping this weekend. I desperately need these little wonder-trips to help me unwind and get back my silliness. :D I know sis will be the only one that understand what I'm talking about. HAHA. Sorry but this is the way it has to be. :D

Alright, well, I am tuckered out -- though it was a boring day, it was a LONG boring day. I will hopefully have a better post tomorrow -- if I even have time to write. BUSY day tomorrow. :D So, before I end this blog, a few quizzes I've taken in my time of boredom.

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

You Are Classical Music

You are a somewhat serious person who enjoys studying subjects deeply. Art of all kinds interests you, and a good piece of art can really effect you emotionally. You are inspired by human achievement, and you appreciate work that takes years to accomplish. For you, the finer things in life are not about snobbery - they're about quality.

What Kind of Music Are You?

Your Personality at 35,000 Says...

Deep down, you prefer spending time alone to spending time with others. You enjoy thinking more than talking. You are good with your place in the world. You are confident and comfortable with who you are. Your gift is relating to other people. You don't hide from your own emotions, and you are good at drawing other people out. You are inspired by what is possible. Real life is often too ordinary for you. It's very easy for you to feel happy. You can find peace with any situation.

The Personality Test at 35,000 Feet

OH and Liverpool play against Chelsea in like 12 hours (11:30 a.m. PST, 2:30 p.m. EST) so please keep your fingers crossed that Liverpool go onto the Champions League finals. Sad that Barcelona were kicked out by Manchester United *gag* but hey, an all English final will be awesome. :D

As usual, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Pope Benedict XVI, Religious Sister or Mother?, Relationships, and Roadtrip - Part Deux.

First off, SO sorry I haven't blogged as often -- once again. I've been so busy with multiple things, I lose track of time very easily. I will try my hardest to update more frequently, especially now that I'm seriously going to buckle down and work hard on finishing my novel.

Pope Benedict XVI was here all of last week. Sadly, I once got to watch a clip from when he arrived and nothing more during the week. I was, however, lucky enough to watch the Mass he did at Yankee Stadium live thanks to EWTN. I will admit that I shed many tears (happy tears) during the Mass. I loved that a Mexican man (reporters could tell by the accent/dialect) yelled "Viva el Papa!" (which means "long live the Pope" in Spanish) and everyone yelled "Viva!" The expression of Pope Benedict's face was priceless. He was very surprised and you could tell he felt the love of the crowd. When he spoke out about protecting babies -- those not yet born and those born -- the crowd yelled very loudly, as did I from my bedroom. lol. He also encouraging young people to consider religious vocations. It definitely made me think and seriously consider it. One of the things that personally touched me the most was when he spoke in Spanish and gave us Hispanics and Latin people blessings. (side note: He spoke to President Bush about stopping all the discrimination against immigrants, which pretty much won all the hearts of us living in the U.S. -- born here, like myself, and those who come here for a better life). After all said and done... WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MASS!!! Everything that was said and done was just beautiful. Someone who actually attended said the experience was indescribable. I bet! I also got to see when Pope Benedict went to Ground Zero for a prayer to meet survivors and family of victims. It was heartbreaking, especially to see an officer (or perhaps he was a fireman), who met the Pope, with a limp because I believe he has a prosthetic leg. At the same time, it was full of hope because, while it is unbelievable terrifying what happened at 9/11 (and I still remember where I was and how I felt when I found out what had happened that morning), there is still hope that human beings will learn from these terrible events and try to prevent it from happening anywhere. I also cried when I watched Pope Benedict leave back to Rome from JFK. Thank goodness EWTN was broadcasting all of it live because it made me feel like I was there. I'm so sad that our beloved Papa has left, and I really felt like I was saying goodbye to a dear friend when I saw him board the plane, but my heart is filled with hope, joy and love because he was here and he was simply amazing and inspiring. I hope to get to see him in person some day -- even if it means that I have to go to the Vatican and stand out when he greets people from his window. I loved our Papa before but this visit just increased the love and admiration I have for him and my faith. :)

One thing that I've already mentioned, his homily really made me think... especially about considering becoming a religious Sister. I've done a lot of soul searching lately and I'm honestly torn between getting married and becoming a sister. I don't think I have what it takes to be a nun, especially a cloistered nun, but I would love to be a Sister and teach Religious Studies if that's what God has in-store for me. I would also LOVE to be a wife and mother and bring at least one child into this world. I think that there is nothing more beautiful, and more joyous, than being a mother. The Blessed Virgin Mary has definitely been present in my life recently -- popping into my mind at random times and also praying for her intercession -- and she's really made me want to become a mother. That's a big surprise to friends who've known me for years because I used to say that I didn't want children and that childbirth was the scariest thing I could think of. It's a complete 180 from how I was before. :D It just goes to show how much a person can change in a matter of months.

I usually don't mention my personal life but for the purposes of this post I will mention a bit. This morning I was watching the European Journal on KOCE (PBS station) and they said that 70% of women living in Spain get physically beaten by their husbands and boyfriends. That is SHOCKING!!! I mean, I understand that there's a machismo image that Hispanic men have but I had no idea there was that much violence. I'm disgusted by it -- especially because I'm of Spanish heritage. I've been lucky enough to not experience that but I am sadden for those Spanish women, and women world wide, who have. It makes me want to do something about it -- to protect these women and their children. My heart goes out to them.

On a more positive side of relationships: Lately I've really grown from experiences regarding love and relationships. Since my novel is based on real life experiences, I've been revisiting some old memories -- many of which have been about a very special guy in my life. He gave me a reason to smile when I first got sick and he still makes me smile because he's a big dork. lol. Just like he did then, he's been giving me hope that I will get better and beat what I'm going through -- and he doesn't even know because I refuse to ever let him know that. Haha. One of the biggest things he's given me hope for -- I've started to believe that I will find the person I've meant to be with, if that's in God's plans for me. Just the fact that I have someone like him to unintentionally inspire me to not give up on so many things, including love, is amazing. I really hope that everyone has someone like that in their life... just make sure that they never take you up the roof, while you're in heels, at night just to slow dance with you -- especially if you're afraid of heights. It's romantic and psychotic at the same time. Haha. Yeah... that's a GREAT image that's completely stuck in my head. You'll read about it in my novel. lol.

So, besides all of that, I went on a little roadtrip yesterday -- which was the roadtrip from the place down under (and I don't mean Australia). It was absolutely horrible and I'm so stressed out from it. I seriously just want to sleep and listen to music for days. lol. I am ignoring any and all emails and messages that will stress me out (which I've already received, ugh) because I just spent a really long time with screaming children (which I didn't really mind because the little baby was sick and there was nothing that could make him feel better) and just chaos. To top it off, an own goal at Anfield (Liverpool FC's stadium) has made it difficult for them to go onto the semi-finals. Well, I still have hope. :D Yesterday was the WORST day, I've had in quite some time. But, as I've said, all I need is sleep and relaxation, which I will get during our movie marathon tonight! YAY! lol. Oh and I should note that two of my older brothers stopped by for a few minutes last night which was a happier ending to my horrific day. :D

Alright, well, I have to go get ready for when my dad comes home -- which he just did the second I started writing this. Haha. WEIRD! Now that he's home, I have to make sure he's alright because he's in his last 2 weeks of chemo and the side effects have gotten worse lately. Hopefully more entries will be written before the end of the week. I will definitely try. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Don't forget to watch the Dove Awards on GMC (Gospel Music Channel) tonight!!! :D.
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Anorther quick update.

Sorry the gaps have started again. I've been busy packing, unpacking, catching up with old friends, traveling (including a mini roadtrip I took today with one of my favorite men -- and it made me appreciate him SO MUCH more because of everything he did for me today) and working on my novel. In other words: I wish there were more hours in the day.

The good news is that I have been feeling slightly better and I hope it continues. I've been able to keep the dreaded Writer's Block at bay (whoo!). Britt Nicole's album has become the soundtrack to my novel... unexpectedly. I'm also on a Jane Austen kick to re-awaken my inner Janeite and it's been helping me with my novel. (Side note: I usually like Austen inspired films but wasn't too happy with the 1999 version of Manfield Park. *shrugs*)

I've found myself saying the Rosary in public more and more often, mainly because it relaxes me and I've been in pretty stressful situations so that's why I've been doing it. Hopefully other fellow Catholics will say the Rosary more often, which is why I don't mind when people stare at me when I'm praying.

Oh, and hey, Liverpool FC beat Arsenal and are onto the semi-finals of the Champions League... just like last year (only they beat Barcelona last year)! I actually missed the game because I wasn't home during it, and actually got home pretty late so I didn't get a chance to even watch a re-run. Oh well, I am proud of my Red men for achieving yet another semi in the CL. The games against Chelsea will be good, and I will be praying that we go all the way to the finals. :D

And that is all for now. I've been up since earlier than I've gotten in a while and all that sitting in the car for hours has worn me out. I won't even mention the traffic. lol.

Hopefully I'll have a good, long post soon... if things slow down long enough for me to be able to, that is.

Alright, well... as always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Excitement!, Christian Music, Rock the Cradle, and Football (Soccer) Season.

I received very exciting news today... I got re-accepted to the only college I applied to for transfer. I originally got accepted last Fall to enter this past January but illness kept me out so I had to re-apply to get re-accepted. I had a bunch of problems this time around -- most likely because there are so many applicants to enter in the Fall. I submitted all my transcripts and other things almost 2 months ago (would've been 2 months in 2 days) but they had problems getting it into the system and didn't get a decision up until early today (it's still Thursday here). I actually got a call from my new counselor to tell me the news because I'd been bugging me about my admission status for a while now. Haha. Well, I am relieved that I will have a place to continue my Religious Studies education. I'm so happy that I'll be able to focus on Catholicism and take courses such as "Spiritual Journey of Women." It just feels like I'm going in the right direction and I am sure it'll help me further along with my writing. And, speaking of writing, I'll also be studying Creative Writing (which is my minor) so I'm lucky that I can study what I truly love. :D I am already thinking about my senior thesis, although it's 2 years until I get there but I have an idea of what I want my thesis to be about. Hint, it involves St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross and St. Augustine amongst other saints.

I will also be able to take music courses if I like. I love music. Plain as that. I've loved music since I was a baby. In fact, I carried around a toy guitar because I wanted a real one but was too little for it. I've explored almost every genre known to man but I've felt more connected to classical and jazz. I came into those on my own, without anyone introducing me to those genres. Lately I've been exploring a bit of Christian music, which I've felt a bit uncomfortable with before. I don't know why I just couldn't really get into it before. Then came along Mute Math and Britt Nicole and I've been slowly exploring other artists. I don't know why I was hesitant to give it a try before. I still don't like all the artists I come across but that's natural in every genre. I don't love all jazz artists though I do a majority of it. I can't sit through some classical songs. I've re-discovered some artists which I didn't know where Christian in the first place and I am digging it. lol. If anyone has other artist they'd like to recommend, please leave me a comment with the names.

And, speaking a bit more about music... I just watched the first episode of MTV's "Rock the Cradle." Now, I don't like MTV because we all know what kinds of shows are on there and how some of them are just... *shudders*. I tuned it mainly because I was curious to see the offspring of different artists perform. I was impressed with some... not so much with others. I LOVED Lucy Walsh and Crosby Loggins. Lucy deserved her score but I felt Crosby should've taken the top spot. I loved his voice and thought the Elvis Costello song was a great choice for him. If either don't win this thing, I won't be a happy camper. If I tune to that *shudders* channel again, it'll only be to watch an episode of this show and once it's over, good luck trying to get me to watch it again.

One more thing for I end this entry (it's past midnight and I still have a few things to do before I fall asleep)... I am SO happy that the MLS Season has finally started. Last week was the first week of this season and poor L.A. Galaxy crashed and burned. To be fair, Landon Donovan and Becks hadn't had much time to rest from international duty so it was understandable why they didn't do too well. The rest of the team... they lacked hustel. Carlos Ruiz did well but ended up getting injured when that idiot took him down (he's now out for 4-6 weeks). Last night's game... SO MUCH better. It was the Galaxy that I missed seeing. We totally deserved to win this game and am happy Becks and Landon got their goals. In this house, there's only 2 Galaxy players we honestly root for -- Becks and Landon. I also like Gordon and Klein but Becks and Landon are the only ones dad and I agree on.

It's the same with Liverpool -- we can only agree on two players: Gerrard and Torres. Dad's a Crouch fan, I'm a massive Agger fan. We both think Babel's good but sometimes we aren't too sure about him. Give us the rest of this season to make our decision. And, speaking of my Red men... I am so glad they got that away goal at Arsenal during the first leg of the Champions League quarterfinals. I am hoping and will definitely pray that they advance to the semi's and final. If there's one competition I look forward to the most at the beginning of this season, it's the Champions League. The Premier League's great too but the CL is my favorite because you get the top teams of other European leagues as well. Does anyone know the patron saint of sports or athletes? I've always wanted to know but haven't quite figured out.

Alright, well, it's nearly half past midnight and need to read a couple of pages in St. Teresa's autobiography among other things. I have a pretty early day today so, I need to get to bed as soon as I possibly can.

Thanks for reading and God Bless!

Lack of Updates = You Guessed It: Sick Again; Liverpool finally wins!

Okay, so I have about 7 minutes before I complete zonk out (according to reviews on iTunes). I bought this mp3 of nature sounds because I need something soothing to help me sleep (and I need help sleeping) and most people who've reviewed it say it takes about 10 minutes to get so sleep, you immediately fall asleep. I'm in another room as my bed so I will try to not fall asleep at my desk. lol.

Well, lack of updates only means one thing... I'm sick. If I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could pay for my remaining 3 years of college (that includes grad school). Oy. I'm still dizzy from the new glasses prescription, which sucks. I've also got headaches that come and go, ditto with back pain and other types of pains. I will probably be in bed until tomorrow (typical I stay there for 2-3 days) and I hope that's it because I get bored easily. Haha. It's quite sad how much I need to be entertained. I don't think I will last on one of those weekend retreats they have at my school. lol. Still, I will go on one because it'll be good for me. :D So, despite being sick and being in bed most of the day (sleeping and just sitting there, bored)... I did manage to get some things done. Whoo for me being productive for once. Haha. :D

I am so proud of myself for having the control not to flip on the TV to ESPN2 where they were showing the Liverpool FC vs Inter Milan game, which Liverpool won! I had to do an imaginary cartwheel because I couldn't do a real one. I will as soon as I'm well enough to do one though. (side note: it's almost 10 minutes since the mp3 started and I'm already pretty sleepy... very sleepy, actually). I'm so glad the Reds won, especially after losing to a lower league team in the FA Cup. Hopefully this will give them confidence to do well in the remaining Champions League games (whoever many they will get). I would like to add that as soon as I prayed a Hail Mary, Kuyt scored Liverpool's first goal. mmhmmm. I said I was going to pray while 'Pool played and I did. See? I keep what I promised I would do. Tomorrow Celtic is playing against Barcelona and I will be watching that one. I told a friend I would catch a Celtic game next time one was airing on TV and, what do you know -- it's on tomorrow. It's only airing on ESPN Deportes (the Spanish version of ESPN) but I'm fluent in Spanish so no problem. I know Dad's probably going to be rooting for Barcelona because some of his favorite players are on it, so it'll make things interesting around the house... if he's not too knocked out from the chemo (tomorrow is chemo day).

Alright, well, my eye lids are getting heavier and heavier so that must mean the mp3 is working. Man, this mountain stream thing sounds like the real thing. It totally gives me the sense that I'm really there. I love nature (though forget about camping, I don't do that, lol) so, man, this is super peaceful. Okay, I'm definitely hitting the hay in a few. lol. I had this other topic I wanted to write about but I'm so relaxed and zen that my brain isn't thinking straight anymore. My bed is looking pretty freaking awesome right about now. lol. Until next time... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Ash Wednesday, Lent, Football Internationals and Elections.

Ash Wednesday has come and gone. I, unfortunately, didn't even make it to my local parish (which is about 2 minutes away) because I was in bed all day today. Dizzy feelings, a lot of fatigue, nausea, etc... not a pretty picture. I don't think I would've had the strength to wait in line to get my ashes if I had gone to church. :( I was looking for to it, too. So, this marks the second year in a row I haven't received ashes on Ash Wednesday and it's sad. :( Last year, my dad was really sick with his chemo so we couldn't do anything. This year I was sick, mom has another severe cold so she's been sleeping whenever she can and dad has his at-home chemo so he isn't completely able to do much either. Bah! Luckily, it isn't mandatory to have ashes but still... it doesn't make me feel right for some reason. :( Next year will (hopefully) be better because there's an actual chapel on campus and they hold masses and everything so I can just walk from my dorm room to the chapel. :D

Today, (well, technically yesterday because it's past midnight) Lent began. I tried my hardest to fast for as long as I could... which was 11 hours and 45 minutes. I tried to make it to noon but I began to feel reeeally sick and I said "Forgive me Lord, but I have to eat or else I will get even more sick." I didn't eat meat (yay!) and had to remind my mom not to even eat chicken. Technically, we're all excused from fasting (dad's over 60 and mom and I both have that thing where we have to eat every 2-3 hours or else we get sick -- it's genetic) but I tried to do a bit of it. Now, I have to eat and eat because of those hours I didn't eat. I have a busy day later today which is why I am trying to regain some of the strength I lost from the mini-fast. Blah.

Oh, and I watched my last football (soccer) matches today (err, yesterday) because I didn't give up international matches, but I will not watch ANY of the Liverpool FC matches... which is the hardest thing because they are playing Chelsea this weekend and it's going to be one of those games you can't miss. Bah! lol. Well, at least I got to see pretty good games. England beat Switzerland 2-1 (whoooo!) and Mexico and the U.S. tied. I'm neutral when it comes to those teams so I was fine with the 2-2 draw. I was excited to see Steven Gerrard as England captain because I am a sucker when it comes to him. lol. The USA-Mexico game was good because it was a lot more physically aggressive... especially when one of the Mexican players and Tim Howard (the U.S. goalkeeper) started kicking and pushing each other down. Oh man... the rivalry between these two teams is insane. Dad managed to watch most of the game (in between dosing off and trying to stay awake) just because he loves "how bad the Mexican team has gotten." Watching the game with dad was seriously the highlight of my day because he and I crack up over the dumbest things. lol.

Before I wrap up my blog for today (I am hungry and it's nearly 1 a.m.)... I would like to say that I didn't vote for their candidate that won California. That's right, I didn't vote for McCain or Clinton. Personally, I'd love to see Huckabee win the Republican nomination. For the Democratic side, Obama is (in my opinion) the better candidate. Ultimately, I would like to see Huckabee as president. I am technically registered as a Democrat but that's because when I registered at 18, I was very liberal with politics. Now that I've gotten back to everything, I'm more moderate than anything(not too liberal but not too conservative) so I'm going to be changing my political party... mostly likely to Independent. I do consider myself to be closer to the Republican party but I don't always agree with what the candidates have to offer so I'd like to be able to vote either way. If anyone wants to sway me to go completely Republican or Democrat, please be my guest... you can post a comment below. :D

Alright, well... I have to get up early tomorrow for an appointment and then run some errands so I could quit writing for tonight and get some food in my tummy before I call it a night. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Incredibly Shrinking Nerd; Football (Soccer) and Faith.

I just noticed yesterday that my pants are no longer fitting me. In fact, I have to keep pulling them up because they're starting to get baggy. Grr! I am definitely not the type of person who wants to diet. In fact, I HATE diets and think they are pointless unless you have to lose weight because of health issues. I wonder what's going on with me. I bet it's because of the stress/anxiety. Grrr. I have a follow-up appointment at the doctor's this Friday (I had to go last Friday to get blood drawn) so maybe she can help me figure out what's up with my weight loss. I actually like the weight I am (or was before I started shrinking). I am going to guess I'm about a size 3-4 right now (this is U.S. Women's Sizes). I'm normally a 5-6 (7 with some jeans). Last time I lost so much weight was when I was 18 but I knew the cause for that, and, ironically it was around the time my dad was getting done with his chemo that time around. Hmm... grr. I am not a happy camper. I have a promise to myself not to drop below 120 pounds because, for my height, once I reach 118 I am considered underweight and I don't want that! Been there, hated it! I think I am going to grocery shopping in between all the errands I have in a couple of hours (it's, again, nearly midnight) and really stock up on food. Mmm... food. Which reminds me, I'm hungry. lol.

I actually took a break from writing my blog and went to make myself some instant oatmeal. It will be enough until I wake up in a few hours (early mass in the morning). It's not too heavy but have you ever tried going to sleep after eating a heavy meal? Not the best thing for your stomach. Okay, moving on from food (I have a feeling I will have a Jamie Oliver dream because of what I just wrote, haha)...

I saw something on Catholic Online that made me very happy. I read an article about how Nicola Legrottaglie, a defender on the Italian football (soccer) team Juventus, has shared how he will abstain from pre-marital sex. He said, and I am quoting the article, he is doing this... "not because I do not like women, but because I am waiting for the right woman with whom to have a family, a woman who shares the same values." All I have to say to that is ROCK ON! It takes a real man to speak up with and stand by what he believes. Though he didn't always do so, he's determine to not have sex until he gets married. I think it's awesome, and encouraging, to see someone who has strayed taking responsibility for what they've done and also show that they can get back on the right path.

Another very famous footballer (sorry to my fellow Americans but I can't bring myself to call footballers 'soccer stars') who has spoken out about how great it is to stay chaste is Brazil and AC Milan's Kaka. I have so much respect for him. He's probably the footballer I have the most respect for... and, as a Liverpool FC fan, that is saying something. lol. Although he is not Catholic, he is a very religious Christian who actually stayed a virgin until he married his wife. It would've been very easy for him to stray -- he's incredibly talented, very well known, he's very easy on the eyes (women everywhere are gaga over him) and he seems like the sweetest guy -- but he didn't cheat or do anything because of his faith. That is such a rare quality in, not only a footballer, but in a guy in today's society.

Sex is such a big deal today. Practically everyone talks about it, or thinks about it. Teens are losing their virginity younger and younger these days. It's becoming more rare and difficult to find people who are staying true to their faiths and staying pure until marriage. We don't hear many celebrities speaking out and sharing their abstinence. It's wonderful that people like Nicola and Kaka, who are part of the most famous sport in the world -- and are well known themselves, are sharing that part of their lives and showing people that, hey, it IS possible to stay a virgin until marriage. I also think it's inspiring to all their younger fans and hopefully, because of their statements, more and more people will follow in their footsteps. If you want to read the article I am talking about, click here. I think it's really worth it.

Alright, so, it's 3 minutes before midnight and I have to get up in 8 hours so I should end my blog here. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Re-evaluating Everything.

It's a bit frustrating to have all my plans up in the air. I had good plans a few weeks ago, then came exciting new plans. Those new plans brought out a side of me I never thought I'd see and it made me very uncomfortable. In the end, I don't know what I am going to do after all. As posted in the previous post, I was so excited about these new plans that had re-surfaced. I had it all planned out. I had a clear vision of it in my mind and I had started to do the research. I also noticed that as soon as I had accepted the newer plans, I had started to not care about certain (important!) things anymore. Worst of all, I started getting thoughts where I started questioning certain things I believed in. Once I realized that, I was thrown into a tailspin. I've been working really hard to get rid of the liberal side of myself (which has been hard as I've grown up surrounded by extremely liberal people) and this new thing had started pulling me back into that state of mind. It's incredibly stressful. On the one hand, I know I am capable of doing the project without compromising my beliefs and actually turning it into something positive. On the other hand, my biggest worry is that I'll be way too weak to actually pull it off and that I'll also do something I will later regret.

Of course, there's more to it. There were a lot of issues that were going to be a problem (which is what I was researching). Differences were going to make things a lot harder. Everything from dating issues (such as premarital sex -- being Catholic and being opposed to it while dating an Agnostic who puts a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of the relationship) to political/social issues (one person being moderate when it comes to a lot of issues, the other being extremely liberal)... all of that makes life difficult. I was sincerely up for the challenge until I saw that it was going to pull me away from the Church. It might have been little things but even doubting those tiny things makes me extremely nervous.

If this makes no sense, I sincerely apologize. I was talking about working on a screenplay, but the thought of getting into the business and working with people who will try to change me just isn't my cup of tea. I've known (through school and friendships) people who do it for a living and I have absolutely no desire to go through what they do. So, I've axed those "dreams" and will continue writing my novel, as planned.

I had a very strange dream last night where I was asking for the Virgin Mary's help because I'd literally become someone who I didn't recognize. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was, physically, a different person. I remember that once I started praying and kept saying "Hail Mary" over and over, I slowly began looking like myself again. I actually saw myself physically transform back to what I actually look like. Then my father said something about my grandmother and praying for her because she was about to die (in real life, she passed away 3 years ago this March). He also mentioned praying to the Virgin Mary and praying 3 Hail Marys. When I woke up, I felt like I did before all these doubting thoughts came into my mind. I asked God for a sign last night (after this rather... odd... incident I had when I was by myself) as to what to do. After the incident and the dream, I know exactly what I will be doing during Lent (I was still going back and forth between giving up football matches and the internet). So, for Lent, I will be dedicating myself to praying more than I ever have and hopefully I'll get an answer as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with everything that's going on. Not just with the project but with almost everything in my life because everything is in question at the moment.

Alright, well, I am exhausted for some reason (I feel like I haven't slept even though I have) so I will go take a nap and then get back to answer e-mails and comments on facebook. I originally had a post about football (and footballers) planned but it can wait until tomorrow. Liverpool's playing so it'll give me more to write about... especially if they don't screw it up again. lol. Bring on international break!

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Ch-Ch-Changes and Lent

My goodness, so much has happened in the last couple of days that all the plans I had have just dramatically changed. I do have writing in my near future, but the novel has been put on hold in favor of another project that has re-surfaced. Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in. lol. It's good though. It's great writing experience for me and it'll definitely help me when I am go back to my book. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited about this change of plans. I don't think I've ever been as giddy as I am; at least not for a long time. :D I just hope God gives me strength to be able to complete the project through without any problems (any health problems, at least). I will also learn to give up sleep and other things, like watching football (soccer) matches, until I am done.

Speaking of giving up football matches... that is precisely what I am doing for Lent. After the way Liverpool played today, and have played lately, I won't be missing much. lol. I was thinking about giving up the internet as well but, since the change of plans, I won't be able to do it because I need to do a ton of research. It looks like most, if not all, of Lent will be spent at mass, the library and my home. I was thinking about the fasting portion of Lent (for Ash Wednesday, etc.) but I will have to talk to a priest about that because I can't actually fast. I get pretty sick if I don't eat every 3 hours so, we'll see. Hopefully there is something else I can do on the days we're required to fast.

Yes, this is the end of my blog for today. I'm spending the rest of the evening having quality time with one of my favorite guys, mainly doing research. Pfft. Research shouldn't be as fun as what I'm going to be doing (which is basically watching a bunch of DVDs and taking notes). Oh, yeah... if you see "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson popping up on my Last.Fm counter (shows what I am listening to at the moment; it's on the right side of this post), that is no glitch. It's my new favorite song hence listening to it obsessively. lol. :D Well, 'til next time... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Anxiety, Mass and Childhood Friends.

Wow, what an incredibly hectic week I've had. I haven't been able to blog in nearly a week because of everything that's been going on. I don't even know where to begin.

Well, on Monday (which was a holiday here in the States) I ended up in the E.R. because of a massive panic attack I got. Hyperventilating, lightheaded, chest pains, crying -- the whole thing. I'd never gotten one as intense as it before. The best way I can describe it is feeling like I was going to go nuts. Panic attacks don't usually last more than 15 minutes but I somehow got about 2 - 3 in the space of about an hour (and in the middle of the Liverpool v Aston Villa game) so my mom worried and I was taken to the E.R. I spent about 9 hours there before I was released and basically, they already told me what I know... everything that happened last year has begun to surface and I've been feeling extremely anxious because of it. I was relieved to hear that I'm not going crazy and that I am in fact physically healthy. It just sucks to know that it's going to take a couple of weeks to start kicking the anxiety out of my system. Luckily, I'm taking the semester off so I can work on that before I go off to my new school.

And speaking of my new school -- apparently that is a HUGE source of my anxiety, which I never even considered. I've felt okay with the whole thing but apparently it's a bigger stressor than I had realized. Luckily, I've found these lovely counselors that are willing to work with me at a university nearby (and for dirty cheap -- compared to other places -- because I'm a college student) so I'm on the right path to getting better. I am going to have to postpone writing my book, or at least parts of it, for a while because I can't deal with additional stress until I start my therapy sessions.

You know... it's VERY common for people in this part of Southern California to have counselors, therapists and/or psychiatrists. In fact, there's a running joke that everyone and their dog has one. lol. It's very true though. I live in a very drama-filled city so I can see how that "joke" started. In my case, having to deal with my father's cancer (for the second time in 5 years), just coming off illness myself, having to plan my moving away from home, going through the transfer application process, having a heavy courseload (and I do mean HEAVY), and trying to keep this family together... NOT a walk in the park. Oh and I had the absolute worst summer (I took two 5-week courses, with professors who were partially insane, that were super intense) so... yeah. And, actually, this is the first time I've had vacation in a year. I was in school all of '07 (winter and summer included). Everyone who's had to help their parents out with major responsibilities and/or have had way too much on their plate because of things that have come up -- I completely for you and I know how difficult it is. I don't know how some people are able to cope with all of that but power to ya!

I'm very lucky that I know why I'm going through what I'm going and that I'll be able to work on it to get better again. Like the doctor said, I should be thankful that I'm not depressed (I'm a little too happy and joke around too much to be depressed, lol) and I have a great support system in my parents and my best friends. I know I'll be fine; I just need to really work on it and remember that I've dealt with worse things which I was able to overcome. I'm definitely going to be praying a little more than I was, spending a little extra time asking St. Dymphna for her intercession. As I always say, God never throws anything your way that you can't handle.

I was proud of two things while I was at the hospital -- 1) I was able to bring comfort to an older woman and 2) I was able to make people laugh. While we were in the E.R., I befriended this older lady who was maybe in her 80s. She was fine for a while until she started worrying about her surgery. I asked her if she was Catholic and she said she was. I gave her the St. Jude prayer card I had with me. She read it and then wanted to give it back to me but I told her to keep it so she'd have it as a source of comfort. Her daughter saw what I'd done and she thanked me, telling me that they were actually devotees of his. After that, the older woman seemed in better spirits, which made me so happy! That's all I would ever want -- to cheer up someone who was feeling down, despite how I am feeling. I was very happy I was able to make some of the other people laugh too. Apparently, no matter how much pain or how miserable I may be, I can still manage to make people laugh. I hope I never lose that ability.

Okay, I have said enough about what happened on Monday, which I want to put behind me. I ended up missing mass on Sunday AND Monday which makes me very unhappy! I felt icky on Sunday morning but when I was ready on Sunday afternoon-evening, dad had start getting sick so... I had to stay home. It's all a conspiracy to keep me from mass but, pfft, next Sunday I will be there! I HATE missing mass. I don't feel right... and I am perfectly aware it's a mortal sin (although I know it's not as bad if I miss it because I'm sick or because I have to stay home to take care of my dad). Bah! It's back to confession for me on Saturday, too (for missing mass). If anyone ever wonders why I seem to go to confessions almost every week, it's usually because I miss mass due to circumstances beyond my control. That and Liverpool games make me say mean things about refs who don't do their job properly. lol. Bah humbug! Oh wait... that's a Christmas-y saying, isn't it? lol. Well, you get what I mean. :D

Ooh, this is something interesting that happened last night/this morning. I had the most RANDOM dream about this guy I went to school with... when I was 5 - 11 years old! We were friends all through elementary school and when we went off to junior high, that was it. But it was so WEIRD to have a dream about him. Never in a million year would I have thought of him if I had not had that dream. I think I still have some pictures from when we were kids but I'd have to check. Anyway, I wonder why I had the dream... and it's made me very curious to know what he and his sister (who was also a friend of mine) are up to.

I still keep in touch with childhood friends but most everyone has lost track of everyone else. I find it funny that out of the friends I've known since ages 4 - 11, (that I still keep in touch with) only 3 of them are girls and only because my parents see their parents so we send each other hellos and messages through them. All the rest of them, the ones I personally talk to, are guys. The friend I have known the longest still comes and visits when he's in the area. We've known each other since I was 4 and he was 5. I also still keep in touch with my childhood sweetheart (my first 'boyfriend' who I've known since we were 5 years old), as well. He's off in the Navy so I pray that he gets back home soon to because I'm sure his wife misses him terribly. Thinking about it, it's so WEIRD to think that most of my childhood friends are married, with kids or engaged. Only one of the guys and I are still single. I know it's part of growing up but it's just funny because everyone thought I'd be the first to get married and have kids and I'm the last one. lol. I'm serious. Being the hopeless romantic, everyone pretty much bet I would be the first to marry (and as young as 17). I should've bet a lot of money that I would be the last. lol. While I do have someone I care about, everyone's gonna have to wait quite a while longer before they have my (potential) wedding as an excuse to have a reunion. :D

Yikes, I've written way too much. Sorry, I'm just making up for the last 5 days. Hopefully this will be the longest entry I'll ever write. I will go back to my shorter entries next time. :D

Anyhoo, if you've made it this far... have an imaginary cookie or go get yourself a real one as a reward. If you know me personally, come over and I'll make you cookies. :D lol. Thanks for reading and God Bless.

Colds, Pope JPII: The Movie, and a Saint Dream.

There hasn't been a blog in a few days because I've been feeling really icky lately. I think I'm getting a cold... probably caught it from my mom when she had it last week. Bah! To be fair, I haven't had an actual cold in over 2 years (last one was in November 2005) but still, I don't want one! lol. I really hope my sore throat and fever-y feeling (I don't have a fever; I just feel warm) are allergy related and not a cold... or worse, the flu. *shudders* That is seriously the last thing I need right now. Please let it be allergies, or a mild cold... please it it be allergies... or a mild cold. lol. *crosses fingers and hopes for the best* I hope my health is in better shape than Liverpool's recent form. That game today was not worth my getting up at 6 in the morning to watch. Ugh. But, moving on...

I watched the "Pope John Paul II: the Movie" DVD a few nights ago... and it was awesome! It was definitely a movie that made me think about a lot of things I normally wouldn't, which is always great. It did make my mom and I cry (moreso me than her) because it's difficult to watch something that was based on JP2's real life and see everything he went through and suffered. Watching his friends being killed by Nazi invaders, seeing him get hurt and shot (even though they were re-enactments) was very difficult to watch. Despite it being emotionally charged, it's such a great movie. We gave it thumbs up all around. I've gained so much more respect for him than I had before (and it was a lot prior to the movie). I think I'm going to put it on my wish list for the next time I buy some DVDs. I also got a movie about the Nutcracker ballet (which has been on my list for months) so I'm going to try to watch it by Monday morning so I can send them both back to Netflix and get myself more movies.

Two nights ago I had a very cool dream about saints. I was standing up on a cathedral's dome looking down at saints walking around in a garden. And, yes, they were actually alive in my dream. The cathedral was big and white and so were the stairs one had to take to get up to where I was standing. As I was looking down, I noticed St. Dymphna and St. Jude walking around. I don't remember if I called their names or if they just looked up but they looked at me and I knew they were going to come up to talk to me. So, I went inside and waited for them and then I saw other saints walking in from different hallways and staircases. It was almost like a parade, there were so many. I remember St. Theresa of Avila was there but I don't remember talking to her or just knowing she was there. In fact, I don't remember talking to any of the saints. I know they acknowledged me and made it clear that they knew I was there. Since it's been a couple of days, details are starting to get fuzzy. Either way, it was such a lovely dream. This is the first time I've had a dream where I interacted with them. It's always been me seeing them as apparitions or in statues but never as living people. It was amazing! I won't even try to decipher what they mean... I'm just very happy to have had it. :D

Alright, I'm not feeling too hot... or I should say I'm feeling pretty warm and not too well, so I'm going to try to go lie down or eat something before I go to bed. I'll go watch "the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" in the meantime. :D

Thanks for reading and God Bless.

More Rain, Football, Rosaries and Jamie Oliver.

Well, it's been raining since about 11 a.m. which means I missed mass. :( Normally, rain or no rain I would've gone. Unfortunately the car's brakes aren't working properly and we didn't want to risk an accident. Hmph. :-/ I really wanted to go but safety is important. I'll just go to confessions next week and see how much penance I get for missing mass... and for cursing.

The only time I let a couple (and by a couple I mean two) of curse words out is when I am watching football (also known as soccer in the U.S. and Canada). I can usually catch myself before I actually say them but sometimes I'll be so into the game, they'll slip up. And not in English or Spanish. Oh no. French is the language I use most when cursing during games. An Italian word might slip out but very rarely does that happen. Although the word isn't that bad, I still don't like saying it. I've gotten really good at thinking about what I'm going to say before I say it... except during football matches. Haha. I'm sorry, I just really get into the game. :D I think that's why people are always so amused when they watch a game with me. I tend to use sort of old fashioned words such as "golly" and "gee" so I think people are surprised the first time they hear me say the rude version of the word "poo" in French. If my beloved Liverpool FC hadn't played the way they did -- and if the manager hadn't made the line-up he did -- it wouldn't have happened. Hopefully the next game we play won't be as pitiful as today's game. I don't know where the mighty Reds went wrong. They started off the season (and pre-season) brilliantly but they've slipped quite a bit recently. Either way, I will support them because that's what a fan does -- supports them through the good and bad spells.

Moving away from one thing I love (football) to the next... I've already let my parents know that if they want to give me anything for my birthday, I want an emerald rosary. I recently bought one that had green beads with St. Jude on it but every time I tried to use it, different parts would break apart. Basically, the rosary's very fragile. I have to use the one my baptism Godmother gave me when I was a few months old because I don't have another one -- well, one that's not locked away, safe from harm. I hope I get another one soon, though, because I don't want to use the baptism rosary that much. I want to save and treasure it. Either way, I've let my parents know what I really want (because, despite my protests, they always give me something). Am I weird for always looking at different rosaries and wanting to collect different kinds? If I am, eh, don't care. lol. Seriously, though, I love rosaries and I don't feel comfortable not saying it at least once a day. :D I always feel very calm and relaxed afterwards; it's a lovely feeling. :D

Another lovely feeling? Watching Jamie Oliver cooking shows. Don't ask me why but I LOVE watching his shows. Everything from Naked Chef to Jamie's Great Italian Escape -- loved it. I've even gotten up early to watch Naked Chef on BBC America. Anyway, there's a new show of his "Jamie at Home" that's starting on the Food Network tonight. Score! And the show is going to be about organic foods -- which is what I try to mainly eat. I'm excited. Maybe I'll get some recipes to try new stuff because I need a variety. I get bored eating the same thing over and over again (and will end up hating it for a while if I eat it for months) so it's always good to learn new stuff. :D The show's actually starting in about 3-4 minutes so it's time for me to wrap up this entry.

Let's hope it doesn't rain tomorrow because I have a long list of errands to run.

Anyhoo, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D