Soccer (!!!), and Anxiety in Mass and in General, Lost Medal, and Prince Caspian.

I've had 3 really good games in the past 20-some odd hours. The U.S. Women vs Australia was AWESOME... and I dare say the best of the 3 games I watched. :D The U.S. Women's team never fails to impress me. It's one of the most consistent teams that I root for. It's a shame that there is virtually no coverage or advertisement for them. I understand that soccer, and basically all other sports, are viewed as male sports but they should really take notice at how awesome the women teams are. Some of the women national teams are WAY BETTER than the male ones. Women teams like the U.S., Germany, and Brazil are right there, if not better, than their male counterparts. It's just a shame that they get no coverage. I sound like a broken record, eh? Well, it's true. Anyway, I LOVED the game we played against Australia. The second half was not that great for us (we were 3-1 at half time) because of mistakes but we still manage to beat 'em. :D They're playing again in a few days but I doubt I'll get to see it because they rarely air the games.

Every time I see the women play, I get the urge to play as well. It makes me sad to think that I could've played throughout high school and eventually college if I hadn't switched to a charter school. I was quite athletic when I was younger. I played soccer, basketball, ran track and field, etc. You name it, I probably played it. I loved soccer probably the best. I always have. I've played as a goalkeeper, midfielder, and but mostly as a forward -- which was my position up until I stopped. So sad. I had problems with my right (I think) foot so I had to stop doing that and running track. So sad. :'( I might start playing again at my new school -- even though it's just for fun. Anyway, all power to the U.S. Women's for kicking tush and taking names! :D P.S. Brazil's Marta is a POWERHOUSE! I would've loved to have her play for the U.S. and be a striking partner for Abby Wambach. That would've been insane -- in a good way! But, alas, she was born in Brazil and not the U.S. Le sigh. lol.

The other two games I had a pleasure of enjoying: the L.A. Galaxy at Real Salt Lake (it was a tie) and Liverpool v Manchester City (last game at Anfield this season). Galaxy game was GOOD! Don't let the 2-2 score fool you, it was an awesome game. The only beef I have with the game was when that one dude from RSL pushed Alan Gordon into the barricades... and then Gordon pushed him back and got in his face. I honestly thought fists were going to be a-swingin' but, thankfully, they didn't and all they got were yellow cards. We need Gordon (the partnership between Becks and Landon is already awesome but Gordon brings more to it!) and a red card would've stunk. As for the Liverpool game this morning... eh. lol. It was a good game but I was maybe expecting more. Maybe it's because I was spoiled with awesome games yesterday. *shrugs* Either way, Torres' goal was great (per usual) and I got to see Nery Castillo play for Man City. I didn't get to watch the entire game because I had to leave for Mass.

Oy... Mass with my anxiety is a nightmare sometimes. Not to say that Mass is a nightmare! OH NO! Mass is one of the most wonderful things you can possibly do/attend on a regular basis. When you have anxiety, like I do, and it strikes when you least expect it - then it because a nightmare. The past couple of weeks, I've had no anxiety when attending Mass. Today, I made it through about 35-40 minutes before I really couldn't take it (I was lightheaded and I felt VERY faint). I left for a few minutes but hung around the side to see when they were giving communion so I could go and receive it. So, when the time came to get in line, I got in line and received the Eucharist. I've been told that when my anxiety gets as bad as it did today, so leave for a few minutes and try to received communion when the time comes. I wasn't too happy that I didn't make it through the entire Mass today but I'm grateful that I even went and that I, at least, stuck it for as long as I could. I actually lasted a good 20 minutes after my anxiety started getting bad... which is a record for me. (Oh, and the reason why I didn't attend Mass on May 1st -- which was a day of obligation -- was because of my anxiety).

These past couple of days have been just horrible, in terms of the anxiety felt, for me. I've had way too much unwarranted drama going on with a former friend, on top of all these other things I've been dealing with, so that just didn't help. I think that that is one of the main causes for why my anxiety has been so out of control lately. Prior to all the problems I had with this former friend, if I had anxiety it was the kind that I could control and it wasn't that bad. But since I've had problems with this former friend, the anxiety's been just horrific. I've been stuck (on and off) in bed for a few days (hence lack of updates) because the anxiety can be very debilitating. I think I scared my sister a few days ago when we were chatting online because I felt like I was going to just straight up pass out there and then. I'm not blaming this former friend for all my anxiety, I will take part of the blame... I probably shouldn't have been as blunt and straightforward as I was with him (I tend to forgive and forget... up to a point, that is), but the situation just didn't help matters. I also think that the reason why my anxiety's been worse than before was because I hadn't had drama of this kind in a long time and this just came out of the blue. I honestly believe that my body is reacting to this anxiety all weird because I haven't been used to it, nor did I know how to handle this particular situation. Thankfully, I am not freaking out as badly as I would've a few months ago, but still... it sucks. I totally don't like feeling this lightheaded/fatigued/horrible feeling. Ugh. I guess I should be thankful that I understand why these things are happening. I am incredibly blessed to have the love and support of my parents (especially my mama) and my friends to get through these made times. Trust me, I've beat myself up over what happened (because I always feel like everything is my fault, even when it isn't) and they are there so stop me and tell me that what I did wasn't wrong and that I dealt with it as diplomatically as I could under the circumstances. All I have to say about this whole situation is God Bless him. I have absolutely no ill feelings towards him. Life's too short and precious to dwell on the negative.

St. Dymphna, please help me control this anxiety which has taken a hold of me.

Oh, and one really sad thing that happened yesterday at confessions -- I LOST MY MIRACULOUS MEDAL!!! :( It was my source of comfort (I used to take it out and hold it in my hand when I had anxiety) but I no longer have it. :'( I will have to get a new one, get it blessed by a priest again and make sure I don't lose it again. Ironically, I lost it at the same parish I found it (I did actually find it). It's kind of funny that it happened. Perhaps I found it when I needed it the most and lost it when someone else needed it the most. I hope that it brings the comfort it brought me, to whomever found it. :D

And, to not end this blog on a downer, what's happening in about 3 and then 12 more days?! PRINCE CASPIAN PREMIERE! OH YEAH! lol. I'm a huge Narnia fan so I'm so excited to see the latest installment of the series. I'm actually, God willing and if my anxiety is ok, attending a premiere party for the film with a good friend of mine. *singing* I'm excited! I'm excited! I can't wait to see how much the kids have grown as actors. :D I have the urge to squeal like a schoolgirl but I won't. lol.

Alright, well, I have things to do before my anxiety strikes back (it's in control at the moment) so I shall go do that. Thanks for reading, and God Bless. :D
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Birth Control, Palm Sunday Mass, St. Teresa of Avila and Our Lady of Guadalupe.

I know, I know. It's been nearly 2 weeks since the last update. The big gaps between entries is completely unplanned. First I was hit with debilitating anxiety that kept me in bed for a few days, followed by my first cold since November 2005 (oh yeah, my immune system's pretty awesome) and topped off with stomach pain for a few days. As someone who my friends consider lucky, I really haven't had much luck in the health department lately.

Without getting into details, one of those things I was/am "suffering" from made me think about birth control. And, okay, a discussion on the Roman Catholic (Global) facebook group about abortion inspired me to write about this was well. I won't go into what I REALLY think about birth control and abortion because I sincerely have no time to go through hate messages from Pro-Choice people but I will make it known I'm very Pro-Life. One thing that always irritates me is when nurses and/or doctors assume I'm either on some sort of birth control and/or having sex. I vividly remember the last time I got really upset over this. A nurse was taking my vitals before I could see the doctor and she straight out asked me "What kind of birth control do you use?" I looked at her, blinked and said "I'm not on birth control." She looked at me shocked and said "Then what do use when you have sex? Nothing? That's dangerous! So many STDs." That's when I got upset (and, I'll admit, kinda overreacted) and said "I use it because I don't need birth control! I'm not having sex! Even then, I won't use it!" The rest of the conversation is a little fuzzy but I do remember saying that I was offended that she assumed I was having sex and even moreso because she knew the kind of person I was/am. I also mentioned that I was going to wait until I was married until I had that type of intimate relationship with someone. I understand she'd say something like that because, statistically, young "minority" women have high birth rates and are very likely to engage in intercourse at a very young age. Still, I would think it would've been more appropriate to ask me if I was sexually active before assuming I was and asking me what type of birth control I was on. I wrote this on the facebook group and I will write it again... if I had a penny for every time I was asked what kind of birth control I was on, or asked why I wasn't on birth control by doctors and/or nurses, I'd rich.

It's amazing how not many people know about Natural Family Planning (NFP). I personally am not an expert on the subject since I've never had a need to learn about it (as in, I've never been engaged or even thought about marriage with someone I was dating) but I know it's the only "birth control" officially accepted by the Catholic Church. And it's not actual birth control either, hence the quotation marks. If/when I get married, it'll be what I'll be using. I know it's going to probably get a frown from the family doctor but I don't care. There's far too much pressure from society (on women) to be on birth control and I have no desire to give into that, especially knowing it's a mortal sin. There's a good article I read on the topic at Catholic Online which can be found here. Okay, moving away from this subject...

Today (well, it's technically still Sunday here in California) is Palm Sunday! This is one of my favorite times of the year. I was so bummed out that I didn't make it to Mass... yet again. This time, it wasn't my fault. When I was ready and willing to go to Mass, my father didn't want to take me. When he was ready to take me, I felt too sick to go. See, in the morning I felt fine and I actually want to go early. My dad said he wanted to go fix the car and/or go shopping. I couldn't convince him otherwise so I went to my room and ended up falling asleep watching the Manchester City vs Tottenham game (by the way, whoo for Man City winning! I'm a fan of Nery Castillo's!). In that time that I took a little nap, dad managed to sneak away and he didn't end up getting home until after the last English Mass was over. Ugh. I planned on walking to a nearby parish (which, I hate to admit, I am not too comfortable attending Mass at) but then I remembered it was the 6 o'clock Mass and that lead to me falling into a "fit" of tears because I knew there was no way I would be able to make it through the mass. The 6 o'clock Mass at the nearby Parish is the most crowded and the parish is smaller than the parish I normally attend. Last time I tried to be at that Mass, I ended up leaving after only 2 minutes because of the claustrophobia that turns into panic. For those who've never experienced a panic attack, I will hopefully write an entry about it sometime this week (hopefully tomorrow) to help y'all understand a bit better. Anyway, because I began getting very lightheaded and everything, I ended up missing it... but not before I shed a few tears. Mom tried to console me by saying that I'd watched Pope Benedict XVI give the live Palm Sunday mass at 2 in the morning last night and therefore got his blessing but I still felt bad. My dislike of missing Mass makes me very prone to having the waterworks open. What can I say... I don't like being disrespectful by not attending Mass. I know it's not my fault, especially with my anxiety, but still... it's doesn't feel right.

Something else that doesn't feel right... not going to confessions every week. Even if it's for something like a curse word that came out without thinking (as in, I didn't consciously make the decision to curse), I don't feel right. I just start counting down the days until Saturday when I can go to confessions. The priest who I've confessed the most to lately, Fr. Hoang, knows me so well that he doesn't really give me much to do as penance. Sometimes I do a little more than asked because I feel like I am getting away too easily, even if I'm probably getting exactly what I deserve. Anyway, something I came across while reading the first couple of chapters of St. Teresa's autobiography... she was the exact same way. In fact, the more I read about her life, the more I find similarities between herself and I. I honestly had to stop a couple of times and think to myself "It's almost like she is reading my mind... over 400 years after she wrote it." I am starting to think she might be my patron saint because of the similarities. I've never had so much in common with a saint. Honestly. I've found a saint I can relate to on so many different things. And, speaking of her autobiography, I am about to wrap this blog because I promised Our Lady of Guadalupe to get through 75 pages before I fell asleep. (Oh, and St. Teresa is now on my Patron Saints list on the right hand column).

Our Lady of Guadalupe has really done miracles for me lately. I had trouble sleeping a few nights ago (a lot of those nights ended with my on the verge of panic attacks and other screwy feelings) but since I've asked for her intercession, I've been feeling better. I promised her I'd go to Mass but, unfortunately and completely out of my hands, you all know why I couldn't make that happen. Mom said Our Lady would understand because she knows just how sick I get. I also asked Our Lady for specific help yesterday night and we got a call this morning that is basically an answer to my prayer to her. I also feel like she gave Fr. Leo a little push to call me to set up a meeting because he called pretty late (after 8 p.m.) and I didn't think he would even set up a meeting with me. Ask Our Lady and she will do her best to help you!

Okay, I should really get going because I'm already half asleep and still have 75 pages to read. I should eat something to help keep me up longer. Hmm. Anyway, that is all for now. If I am able to write an entry tomorrow, hopefully I'll be able to write about a few things I want to write about... such as how my novel is coming along, how Jane Austen is trying to give me unrealistic expectations about love *cough*Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice*cough* (and how I am okay with that, lol), and how I've discovered cheese-less pizzas while dealing with a broken skylight. Oh yes. lol. Until next time, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D