My Lenten Plans: The "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020," Silence, and Self-Care

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I was going to give up or add for Lent. There were so many options because there's so much I need to work on. After taking everything into consideration I decided to do three big things: "the great entertainment purge of 2020" (and, yes, it's as crazy as it sounds), embracing silence, and focusing on self-care -- all of which I'm horrible at but desperately need.

After listening to this inspiring sermon on the 7-Week Challenge to Conquer Technological Idolatry on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube channel last week, I decided to take up this challenge and thus my first big penance/goal was born. After reading Pope Pius XI's Papal Encyclical on Motion Pictures (Vigilanti Cura) -- which was mentioned in the sermon -- I decided to give up the majority of entertainment for Lent. As someone who turns to distractions such as social media, movies, and TV shows when anxiety, boredom, or illness strike, this is going to be hard for me.

I know I will get criticism for "going to the extreme" but I've decided to extend this beyond Lent. In  fact, during this Lenten season, I'm going to do what I'm dubbing to be the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020." All movies, TV shows, music, and books that are problematic (for me) and will cause my mind to wander to dangerous territory is getting thrown out. No, not donated. Thrown out. That means I will be throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of material but I don't care. I cannot, in good conscience, keep these things around. And, it's not going to be easy.

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) Gene Kelly musicals, On the Town, will be the first to go. Why? Have any of you watched it? It's lovely with the dancing and the singing... but there's so much alluded to and implied that is, well, unchaste. Yes, go ahead. Judge me. Call me a prude. Tell me that I'm being too scrupulous and/or unrealistic for wanting to give up all forms of entertainment that contain these things but I just can't keep them.

When I decided to get serious about discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity, I also decided to be even more mindful of what things I consumed. When I really stopped to take inventory of the type of music I listened to (and really listen to the lyrics), what movies and TV shows I watched, and what books I read, I could see where I wasn't being as careful as I probably should have. And, again, yes, you can call me scrupulous but it just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been examining my conscience and my heart for some time now and I've come to realize that, because of my wildly active imagination, I can very easily fall into the temptation to have unchaste thoughts due to the media I consume. I've gotten better at it but it's still a struggle for me. I know how my mind works; I know how easily my mind jumps from one thing to another and stays on that thing until it's distracted by something else. I know how these things linger in my mind or will come up again, even years later. I don't want that. I want a clean heart and mind. I can't achieve that if I'm constantly remembering things that dirtied up my mind; things that I shouldn't have seen/read/heard in the first place. That is why I'm doing it.

Of course, this goes with my second (of three) big Lenten plans: embracing silence. These last 3 weeks since I returned to social media post-digital detox month have shown me how much I miss that silence I felt during that month. I also cut my entertainment consumption during that time and I saw the fruits it bore. It put me in the right state of mind to begin doing good research of my vocation discernment and to find that peace I was looking for. Taking my beloved Monks of Norcia (my spiritual family/home) as inspiration, I decided not to speak (or write... or tweet.... or text...) if it's either not necessary or doesn't help or edify anyone.

We're so afraid to be silent and alone with our thoughts but it's in that silence that we can hear God speaking to us. The Monks of Norcia started using sign language to limit verbal communication and only to communicate the important things and I think that's beautiful. I want (and, I'll be honest, crave) that silence now more than ever. Not only for my discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity but also in other important things I need to do, such as consider a change in career and in my attempts to really do what I can to get myself healthy.

I've read enough research and studies that all state that silence (read: lack of constant stimulus) and rest can have great health benefits, especially for someone who is chronically ill and/or in recovery mode. Since my current recovery process is still in its early stages and it's going by much, much slower than after previous relapses, I decided that my third Lenten penance/goal is to focus on self-care. And, as if I needed another "sign" that this was what I needed to do, this excellent article on what to give up for Lent (based on your temperament) by my fellow epicPew writer, Chloe Langr, really inspired me to go for it.

As a melancholic-phlegmatic (I'm apparently no longer a phlegmatic-sanguine), the article suggested I prioritize self-care and practice saying "no" and creating healthy boundaries (for melancholics) and give up pushing the snooze button (as a phlegmatic; I'm totally guilty of doing this several times each morning). That shouldn't seem like a big deal but those who know me know how hard it will be for me to go through with these things. I tend to sacrifice sleeping, eating, resting, etc. for others. If someone asks me to do something, I won't rest until it's done. It's that people-pleasing habit that hasn't fully gone away. The only time that I allow myself to take care of myself is when I'm so sick that I cannot do a good job at what's needed... and even then, I feel super guilty for not doing it. As the article correctly states, I have a hard time saying "no" and I need to. As I said earlier, my recovery this time around is worryingly slow than usual so I need to really take care of myself. How can I be of service to others if I can't even function?

Self-care is going to mean going to bed at an earlier time so I can get plenty of rest and not have the temptation to hit the snooze button in the morning. It also mean really pushing forward with the reintroduction of new foods into my diet (we've added 3 new things since the last time I mentioned it but I have to eat them sparingly as too much and/or too often makes me feel sick), drinking 8 cups of water instead of my usual 6, and not pushing my mind or my body to do more when I feel tired. It means no taking on any more commitments than I already have.

Of course, all of these things are going to be tied into one big thing that I'm adding: more time in prayer and more time with God.

I already mentioned the benefit of the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020". Yes, I will be using that as a hashtag on social media during Lent.

When I need to be distracted? More prayer time or reading a spiritually-fulfilling book. If I get bored, I'm going to allow myself to be bored. Radical idea, I know. lol. I don't remember what article it was, but I read that getting 2 hours of silence per day and not having any additional stimulus is good for your health. It'll also be an excellent time to talk to God about what is on my heart and mind.

Motivation to go to bed earlier and not hit the snooze button? Early morning daily Mass. I'll go each morning that I'm feeling physically well enough to attend in person and I'll watch it live when I'm homebound. That and every chance I can take to go to Adoration, I'm taking. Again, I don't know how often this will happen with my chronic fatigue and my lack of car (though this should soon be fixed!) but it's a great motivator!

Motivation to practice self-care; to drink and eat better? My Oblate retreat in a couple of months. I want to get healthy enough to go to the retreat and be able to attend all the Masses, prayer times in the chapel (read: Divine Office hours), and talks without worrying about my health being a factor. Also, since I will be traveling for the retreat, I'm going to have to get used to an earlier bedtime and wake-up time since it'll be in a different time zone.

And, those, ladies and gentlemen, are my big Lenten plans. If you're wondering where social media fits into it -- I'll still be active but I'll have restricted hours. I set up my Freedom app (yes, that's an affiliate link) to block out all social media, news, and entertainment content from 4 a.m. - 5 p.m. during the week and 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends months ago but I may add another 2-4 hours to those schedules during Lent. I don't *need* to be on social media for that long; it'll defeat the whole purpose of being silent and only communicating good things. When I need to post links, I'll keep using HootSuite. I'll reply to messages on social media, but only in the evenings and nights. I'm limiting my time for both my own sanity and as penance.

So, those are my Lenten plans. What are yours? I can't wait to see what y'all have come up with!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat and drink something because I haven't had much of either all day and it's a quarter 'til 4 p.m. Oops. Did I mention I'm terrible at self-care? Yeeeah. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Silencing the (Musical) Noise in My Life

For months, I've been working on a little project called "Mission: Delete Spotify and Other Music Streaming Services." Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?  lol.

Music and the lack of silence in my life have been some of my biggest stumbling blocks. Not that there's anything wrong with music. I love music. St. Cecilia seems to have chosen me as a confirmation patroness. I sang in the school choir growing up. I learned to play a bit of piano before I entered junior high. I moved onto the acoustic guitar in my teens. Music has always been one of the biggest parts of my life.

Music was what kept me sane after my father's death. In fact, I got home from the hospital where he passed (and where I was born) and I immediately turned on my music. It's my metaphorical comfort blanket. I almost always had it on... until recently.

When I took my social media break last week, I also took a break from TV, movies, and other streaming services. I embraced silence... and it was uncomfortable at first. I had made strides in this area during Lent but I took several steps back since then.

I don't do well with silence. I've never been comfortable with it. Lent is hard for me because of the silence I choose to adhere to during it; at least during Holy Week. I know it's because I overthink and overanalyze things; my brain is always processing something. But that's where the problem lies; I have way too much going on in my mind all the time.

After the week of (mostly) silence, it all changed. Suddenly, I could focus on things more clearly (despite the mental/brain fog). I was able to sleep better. I was calmer. My stress levels were down.

As an experiment, I reverted to my former habits and saw that I no longer like them. In fact, it made me feel worse! The cult of busyness and the pointless noise has overwhelmed me again, just 3 days into my experiment. I haven't been able to sleep as well. I'm more anxious. I can't concentrate. Because of this, I decided to go back to embracing the silence... and cutting out the excess noise.

Spotify and other streaming service add to that pointless noise I want to avoid.

I'll be the first to admit that I like songs without listening closely to the lyrics. Why? Because I usually have it on in the background and only pay attention to the melody. Then I get scandalized by the lyrics when I do listen to the lyrics. That's why I decided to uninstall Spotify from my laptop.

I have more specific reasons for this choice of course. Those reasons are:

• It encouraged idleness/laziness when I had the energy to do something else. Instead of dancing around like a loon when I had the energy, I could've done something that would've saved me the trouble when I have a chronic fatigue flare up and can barely function.
• Those terrible ads. Political ads were the only things I heard during the CA primaries earlier this month. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at Dianne "The dogma lives loudly in you" Feinstein trying to get me to vote for her. I didn't FYI. Also, really? Condom commercials when I clearly don't (intentionally) listen to overly scandalous music? Barf!
• I want to be more careful about what I listen to. Once I get the lyrics in my head (or the double meanings), I can't go back. I end up having to bring it up in the confessional. Pass.
• To kick both FOMO and pointless noise out of my life.

I added tons of albums and songs to my iTunes wish list. I won't get them all but if I ever have a little bit to spare and treat myself, I'll be getting a couple of songs or an album every couple of months. I also want to make sure I don't use it as an excuse to spend more money; I'll just add a little bit when I want something new to listen to.

This is my game plan. I've already done a lot of music purges over the years (which you can read about here, here, and here) but this is just a new one. Streaming music services are now a thing (paid downloads are down; radio is basically obsolete) so I had to put restrictions that work for me.

Of course, I still have KUSC to listen to on the radio in the car (I only have a radio; no cassette, CD, or mp3 ports in my 1998 Honda Civic), on the app, and online. It's all classical music and the ads aren't morally problematic so I always have that as an option as well.

Had anyone done anything like this? If so, how has it worked out for you?

I'm sharing this because I want to be held accountable for what I listen to. I want to be more conscious about what I consume, especially when it comes to entertainment and publicly calling myself out will help me stick to it.

Anyway, that's it for now. I want to take a breather from being online for hours today (it took me a while to transfer songs lists; add to iTunes).

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Music Nerdiness and My Spiritual Life Aren't Friends

Music was my first "real" love. I'm pretty sure I danced before I learned to properly walk. As a little gal (maybe 3-4 years old), I used to strum a chord on Mom's guitar (hidden in one of our closest) and then run away, laughing at the mischief I was causing while simultaneously giddy about the "music" I was making.

As I grew up, music became my thing. I sang in school choir through middle school. I participated in a talent show my first (and only) year at a public high school where I sang. I grew up learning how to dance a number of different styles. I learned how to play a bit of the piano but the guitar was always my preferred instrument so I learned as a teenager and still play to this day. I was even majoring in Jazz Studies before I switched to Religious Studies for my first Bachelor's degree. When my father died, music was the thing that helped me through the first couple of weeks. I admittedly stopped playing the guitar for about 5 years following his death -- part of that comes from remembering how he promised to buy me a new guitar right before he passed away -- I eventually returned to it because music and playing (and singing and dancing) is a very big part of who I am and how I express myself.

Although I didn't choose my confirmation saint like most people do -- I was confirmed when I was 13, in Mexico where you don't choose confirmation saints -- it's no surprise that I ended up adopting St. Cecilia as my confirmation saint (I was confirmed on her feast day, at a church named after her). Patroness of music for a music-obsessed gal? It makes total sense.

I can tell you which songs and artists I liked growing up. My first purchased tape was a compilation of classical music. My first purchased CD (with my own money) was Jimi Hendrix's greatest hits. I still remember how I fell in love with jazz after listening to the version of "Summertime" sung by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong when I was a teenager and how it remains one of my favorite songs.

Listening to "You and I vs. the Sun" by Phantom Planet and "California" by Rufus Wainwright reminds me of my freshman year of college, especially the drive to Santa Monica College on the 10 freeway. I used to take my guitar and play Jack Johnson's "Sitting Waiting Wishing" and Ben Kweller's "Walk On Me" in between classes. During my favorite (and last) year at Santa Monica College -- before my reversion -- "So Says I" by The Shins and "My Favourite Game" by The Cardigans were on heavy rotation. I think I might still have the CDs on which I burned the playlists to listen on my Discman (I was late to join the iPod/mp3 party).

Most of my friends have songs associated with them; songs that remind me of them in one way or another and vice versa. The four songs my closest friends associate with me (that I've been told of) are "Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin, "Sing Sing Sing" by Benny Goodman, "Georgia on My Mind' by Ray Charles, and "Dream a Little Dream (of Me)" by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong -- especially that last one because it suits my old fashioned romantic personality.

"My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison reminds me of the last time Dad and I drove out to Santa Monica (for a farmer's market); "The Universal" by Blur reminds me of the time I accompanied him to the hospital to get a device surgically placed on his arm for his chemotherapy prior to his passing. I was listening to Adele's version of "Make You Feel My Love" a few days before he died so I can't listen to it or Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" (link is to Nat King Cole's version) without crying because they remind me of his last week alive.

I can tell you that MuteMath's self-titled album was on heavy rotation when I reverted and how "Chaos" was my jam during that time... how I played Hunter Hayes' self-titled debut album when I wrote my senior thesis as an undergrad... how "All The Pennies" and "Mi Ancla," both by Mindy Gledhill, have been my most played songs in the past week. (side note: here's also the English version of "Mi Ancla" -- named "Anchor." The lyrics are sweeter in Spanish.) This doesn't even scratch the surface when it comes to my taste in music; not even close. Sure, I'm mainly a jazz and classical gal but, oh, I like most of it. Oh, and if you want to get vinyl at Hollywood's Amoeba Music, you take me and I'll find what you're looking for in record speed. A friend from college and I once went to get her fella blues music and we were out of there in no times because I know what you need and where to get it. I mean, you get the point -- music nerd: party of one.

It's amazing how so many memories -- good and bad -- are attached to music. As I was reflecting on this, I realized that there's only one area of my life that doesn't have music attached to it -- and it's my spiritual life. Like I said, I remember becoming a big MuteMath fan around the time of my reversion and the first Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack reminds me of Dad driving me to confession (I love that soundtrack) but that's about it. I love Franz Schubert's "Ave Maria" when I hear it played at weddings and I cry every time I hear it. I've also often dreamt that myself singing it. That's about it.

I love Gregorian chant and have played it when I study or pray. I love hymns. I adore the choir at the parish Mom and I go to when we attend Latin Mass. Such beautiful music... but, for some reason, I can't associate it with any particular time of my life. It's like my spiritual life and my music nerdiness can't find a happy medium; they can't coexist for some reason. I think it might because my spiritual life and, really, my faith is more sacred to me. Yes, I love music (and probably more than the average person) but it's something else. I know God is not constricted to our timeline -- that He stands outside of time -- but is it possible that our spiritual life is also like that? Does anyone else have this issue? I'd love to hear if you have because I can't make sense of this.

Anyway, this was just a random blog post with a random thought that popped into my head and had to be let out into the world so it's not bugging me when I'm trying to study. I have an exam on Saturday so I really need to concentrate on that. :)

Alright, I'm going to see what mischief I can get into... errr... I mean... what productive and totally not procrastinating things I can do. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"But, Emmy... it's Lent!" Oops?

*sings along to some of my favorite songs.*

"Emmy, you can't do that! It's Lent!"

*dances around the living room or bedroom as a form of exercise."

"You can't do that, either! It's Lent!"

Oops?

I've been feeling really great the last 2-3 days so I've been singing and dancing... and twirling around in skirts and dresses since it's been summer-weather hot lately. I have a little more color in my cheeks (hello, rosy-hue I've missed) and I've been able to dance and have hour-long walks without problems. I think it's been the combo of whatever was working against me wearing off as well as the change in my diet and exercise regime. I even woke up 2 hours earlier than usual yesterday and today... on my own. I was feeling gratitude for the upswing and then... "But, Emmy... it's Lent!"

Yes, I know it's Lent. Yes, I know it's a penitential season. Um, hi. Have you read my blog posts since Lent has begun? I'm very well aware what this season is about. Still, I didn't really think that I couldn't feel happy about the change in things. I didn't know that my form of exercise (usually dancing, walking, or hiking; mostly dancing and walking when I can't get to a local mountain range) was prohibited because it was Lent. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to sing. Oops?

I usually field these questions on social media because it's the way to get quicker and more responses but I'm abstaining from social media so here's my question for those who may know more about it than I do: are singing and dancing not allowed during Lent?

Like I said, I'm aware that this is a season of penance and thinking about Christ's suffering and death. I've been praying the Sorrowful Mysteries every day except Sundays during Lent. I've been watching the daily Mass on EWTN or, at least, reading the daily readings and meditating on them. I know there shouldn't be much celebrating but... I didn't know I had to be only quiet and solemn the 40 days of Lent. If I've been doing something I shouldn't be doing, someone please correct me.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this question out there. Someone, please, let me know if that's just a scrupulous POV or if I really need to tone down my singing and dancing. I get why it's not the best idea but I also wonder if it's taking it too far. In fact, I keep thinking about this meme:

Just, help a sister out. OH! And, for the friends who've emailed me and texted me with concern after reading the latest blog posts, you can FaceTime me or ask for proof that I'm not as sick as you might think. I'll be okay. No worries, my dears. :D
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And now back to working on my research paper. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

MuteMath and My Official Reversion: Our 10-Year Anniversary

Yes, I'm totally procrastinating right now... though I'm using this as my excuse to do my weekly writing for the Revolution of Love link-up. ;) Yes, I should be doing the homework assignment due tonight, which is the Weiss Intelligibility Test on a child. Yes, I've technically already completed it but I need to go over it and make sure it's done properly. Yes, it's been almost a full week since my last post. Mea culpa to it all. ;)

I wanted to write this quick blog post because I had a sudden urge to listen to MuteMath's self-titled/debut album this afternoon, specifically the song "Chaos." As I was driving, listening to the song, I remembered how this album is intrinsically linked to my official reversion a decade ago. I don't remember the official date of my official reversion. The seeds were planted June 2006 but I didn't fully commit to returning to the Church until the last week of September 2006. I want to say it was between September 24th and 26th. Those dates are sticking out in my mind but I'm not sure on what specific date I made things "official." This album, MuteMath, was released on September 26, 2006. See why I say they're linked? I actually listened to "Chaos" and loved the song before I listened to the entire album. I couldn't understand why the lyrics hit so close to home at the time -- I was still trying to figure out my thoughts and feelings -- but there was a reason why the song was sticking out.

Here's a sample of the lyrics to "Chaos":
"Chorus:
I know you stay true when my world is false
Everything around's breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
Everything around's breaking down to chaos

It's hard to trust anyone again
After all the let downs I've been through
Haunted by what I've been through
Air still trapped while I still can't breathe
And I'm screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

(Chorus)..."

What I later found out was that MuteMath -- though they don't label themselves as a Christian band and will say they're not one -- is composed of musicians who just happen to be Christian. When I learned this, and went back and really listened to the lyrics, I saw why this album was the perfect companion to my reversion; the songs can easily be interpreted in terms of one's relationship with God and our faith.

When I wrote the blog post about why I stopped making plans -- serendipitously posted on September 24th, which may be the exact date of my official reversion -- the song "Control" came to mind, especially the following lyrics:

 "Move me up through the darkest clouds
'Til I've lost in the sun every shadow of doubt
There is no better find than to find myself with you
In a fog you are all I see
I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful..."

Paul, the singer/writer, said the song was: "... my 4-minute sprint to get as far away as I can from everything that compels me to maintain control. My very nature wants me to play life as though it's a chess match against circumstances. Always thinking 20 moves ahead can be exhausting. This song is nothing short of an urgent prayer to find rest."

I've actually never seen this band perform live -- something always happens to prevent me from going to one of their L.A. shows -- but I've still loved their music and this album hasn't left my CD player (I didn't get an mp3 player until I was 23, Christmas of 2008) and then iPod touch since I purchased it. That's 10 years of beautiful memories attached to certain songs; different songs evoke different memories and different phases of my first 2 years of reversion.

I found that someone uploaded the entire album up on YouTube. It's been up for over a year and hasn't been taken down so I'm assuming it's okay to post/share it. If not, I'll take it down. Either way, I'm going to share it because it played such a huge part of my reversion.



Happy (belated) 10th anniversary MuteMath! Thank you for the wonderful memories and for always reminding me of the lovely journey I've been on since my official reversion.

Binge Watching and Emotional Abuse

I took a break from writing and was online far less than I usually I am because I spent the past 19 days binge watching a show that I ended up really enjoying. No, I won't say what show it is. I'm sorry. I was asked by several people during Twitter updates but beyond saying it's an Argentinian show and that I watched it in Spanish instead of the dubbed English version, I'm not saying much else.

I should start by saying that I'm not a binge watcher... or I wasn't. I'm not big on TV in general. I have the odd show that I love but none that I've loved enough to binge watch. I'm glad I did it because it did one major thing for me these past (almost 3 weeks): it saved me from plummeting into a full blown depression.

On the day I started watching this show was an emotionally traumatic day for me. After slowly realizing that I was being emotionally manipulated and abused by a close friend, it was decided that it was best for me to pull a "Lina" (readers of the first novel will know what I'm talking about) and cut toxic friendships out of my life. There were several. In the days prior to the start of the "Great Binge Watch of 2016" (as I'm calling it) I was not in a good place. At all.

If you're asking yourself how it's possible that I didn't realize I was being emotionally abused, that's just how I am. I'm utterly clueless sometimes, which apparently isn't uncommon. When it comes to friendships and relationships, I sometimes can't see what's right in front of me. Guys who have had crushes on me in the past? I've always interpreted it as friendship and nothing more. That's why I have wingmen now. lol. People who do me harm? Sad to say that I don't always see the red flags. I see people who keep messing up but was come back always penitent after they've hurt me. What I didn't see was that they were emotionally manipulating me because I tend to see the best in everyone. This isn't the first time it's happened (my spiritual director saved me from another long-term one last year) but this time I had friends who pointed out those things I failed to see.

My friends are amazing. Those who knew the situation made sure I was aware of what was going on. I'm (to quote a friend) "too nice" to see people being emotionally abusive towards me so my friends look out for me. When it got to the point where I had a couple of friends and my mother all point out the bad shape I was in -- both emotionally and mentally -- I knew what I needed to do. I was honestly a little fearful of how other people were going to react. In fact, I still am. I admitted that I needed help. My mother and my friends (two in particular) went above and beyond to make sure I was going to be okay and that I had the break necessary to begin the healing process.

I became determined to limit my time online. I stopped charging my laptop daily, sometimes spending up to two days in between charges despite the battery being completely drained those days. I limited my phone usage. It helps that my phone has been acting up for a while now; it gives me the perfect excuse to not use it much. I let those I was closest to know that I was taking a break from texting and social media for a couple of days. I would ignore my phone for long periods of time. I even let the service "run out" (I use a prepaid phone) until I needed it again. Some text messages and emails went unanswered for several days and explanations were given when I felt well enough to start answering them once again. In fact, I'm still not fully back to my usual habits but that's okay. I'll ease back into it as I get comfortable with them again.

Since I had gotten Netflix for a month (my own treat before classes begin), I looked for recommendations and found this show. It didn't sound like my cup of tea but I blindly gave it a chance... and it became one of the best decisions I could've made. The characters and plotlines sometimes frustrated me to the point where I would yell at the TV in frustration. At times I didn't want to continue but I did. I stuck it out. I became emotionally invested at a time where my emotional well being and my self-esteem were fragile. Still, going through the emotional roller coaster with the characters helped me greatly.

The main character's life (as well as that of her friends) revolves around music. I think that was the big selling point for me. Those who've known me long enough to remember my pre-reversion days know how much I love music and what a big part of me it's always been. Prior to changing my major to Religious Studies I was actually a Jazz Studies major at Santa Monica College. I took a couple of music courses as an undergrad and was deciding between studying history or performance before I reverted. I could be seen lugging around my acoustic guitar to classes and even playing in between classes.

Growing up I loved singing and dancing. I got into playing instruments (especially the guitar) as I got older but singing and dancing were always what I enjoyed the most. At some point prior to my reversion, I stepped back from it. After my father died, I stopped playing the guitar. It wasn't until this earlier summer that I really picked it up again. I've always sung along to the radio or danced whilst cleaning but it wasn't until the Great Binge Watch of 2016 that I realized how much I truly missed immersing myself in it.

I miss taking music courses. I miss taking dance classes. I miss expressing myself through music. Before finishing all 240 episodes of the show, I made the decision to return to the dance floor. After thinking it through, I've decided to start with ballet. Because of all the health issues and my doctors limiting my exercise (I was completely sedentary for months at one point), I need to start slow and work myself up to what is more physically demanding. I'm also going to return to taking music classes (singing and playing piano and guitar) at some point but dance will be a good place for me to start for health reasons (I need the exercise).

If you guys are wondering how all of this connected: I was emotionally fragile so I made the decision (with the support of my wonderful friends) to cut the things that were causing me harm. To keep my mind occupied (since I have the tendency to live in my head and overanalyze things), I started watching a show that was recommended but knew virtually nothing about. I became hooked, which helped me from internalizing a lot of things that would've undoubtedly triggered a deep depression in me. Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, I laughed, cried, and went through an array of emotions with the main character. As I continued to watch the show, I rediscovered what brought me joy in the past (the same that the characters loved) and it helped me make the decision to reintroduce these things into my life. As the show came to an end, so did a lot of the negativity in my life. I somehow gained the confidence and drive to take back what little control I have over my life.

I had cancelled Netflix prior to finishing the series because I didn't want the temptation of binge watching again but I think I'm going to keep it. I found out that the show isn't available in the U.S. except on Netflix (nope, no DVDs available for this region) and can't legally watch it anywhere else. It might be good for me to occasionally watch the show when I have some free time during the semester.

If you're wondering how I was able to pull off 240 episodes (which ranged between 42 and 65 minutes each) in 19 days: a lot of fast forwarding and free time. I would fast forward parts of characters I disliked and only watch the plotlines and characters I enjoyed. Sometimes it would take me only 20-25 minutes to finish a single episode. That and, like I said, I had a lot of free time this and last month -- probably the last time I'll ever have all this free time without responsibilities beyond cleaning the house, running errands, and taking care of myself. It felt so odd to be selfish and do this but I knew it was part of the self-care I needed so I did.

If you're wondering what my prayer life looked like during this time: praying a decade of the Rosary or praying up to two different prayers in between episodes was how I did it. I'll be the first to admit that there were a couple of times when I messed up because I got too into the show but I got my system down pat towards the end so I was able to get all my prayers in on time.

I'm grateful for having the time to do something (binge watching) which I wouldn't normally recommend or even do. I'm grateful that that decision helped keep my mental health in a good, healthy place (even my therapist was impressed at our last session last week). I'm grateful that my friends were honest with me and then did what they could to protect me from being harmed any more. I'm grateful to my mother for sitting down with me and watching many of the episodes with me and then saying that she was happy that the show served as a form of therapy -- it helped make me feel less guilty about all the time I spent watching it.

Now that I'm finished with the show, I'm happy to say that I have a new outlook on life and even new things to do. Beyond my courses this and next semester, I plan on taking dance classes for fun. I've already gotten reacquainted with an old part of my life (and old friends). I hope all of this will make things a little easier for me. I will be online less. I might blog less... though I'll touch on this topic next time because I have a major decision regarding blogging that I still need to make.

There you have it. That's the reason why I spent so much time binge watching and talking about binge watching. It might not seem like much but it did a lot for me. :) I told y'all on Twitter I had a good excuse.

Alright, I'm going to go check my email because I haven't spent much time on the laptop lately and I have messages to sort through and reply to. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Dad...

Today is the 7th anniversary of your death. I still can't wrap my mind around it being that long. It both does and doesn't feel like much time has passed. I haven't forgotten what you look like but I occasionally forget what your voice sounded like. I guess that's normal since it's been so long.

I started playing the guitar again. This time, it's a little more regularly. I stopped playing after you died. It took me a good 5-6 years to really find any interest in it again. You promised me a guitar shortly before you died which still occasionally hurts. No, getting the guitar doesn't matter; it's the fact that you promised something that will never be fulfilled that got me down. It's a constant reminder that there were things we planned that will never get fulfilled. Every time I picked the guitar up, I was reminded of you and that promise. I remember all those times you drove me to my lessons as well as the times you drove me to get my first two guitars (and how you picked out the first one I ever owned). I think it was quite funny that the only thing that cheered me up this weekend was picking up my acoustic guitar and playing, followed by singing. There's more music in the house, like you liked when you were alive.

I've been through heck and back over the last year but I'm still here, thriving despite the setbacks. I still have that fire in me that I inherited from both you and Mom. My health has gone through ups and downs but I'm overall recovering. The car accident didn't feel me down for too long and I've been driving ever since I got my car back from the mechanic. You'd be proud of me for that. I know you were worried about me and my anxiety before you died but it's been better than it's been since I was a teenager. I've had moments of anxiety (and the darn antibiotics brought them back this past week) but I'm not letting it keep me down for long. Your little girl doesn't get easily scared nor does she quit.

Speaking of quitting, despite the academic setbacks, I've not quit that either. I'm returning to the SLP field. I was accepted to Utah State once again over the weekend. I should be graduating early next May. On your deathbed I promised you that I'd take care of Mom and since it's becoming quite clear that she's going to need to retire sooner than later, I've put my dreams of that Theology MA on the backburner in favor of a career as an SLPA. Isn't that what you and Mom taught me; that sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our family? Once I can get that going, I'll return to finish the other degree. I don't regret it nor am I upset at the sudden change of plans. They weren't what I had planned but God knows what He's doing. I know He is helping guide me down this journey of mine and for now I have to focus on this. :)

Not much else to report on. I'm that same content little girl you raised. Things don't always work out as I'd like them to and I do get down for a little while but I bounce back. I'm still incredibly silly when I'm with those whom I trust. I still carry myself the way you and Mom taught me to act. I hope you'd be proud of the woman I've grown up to be. I still feel like I'm growing but I think that's a never ending process.

I'm still single (I'm sure you'd appreciate that since my sister married so young, lol) but I'm happy. I know I have to be happy with myself by myself or else I'm going to place unrealistic expectations on the future fella and future family. I still think it's in the cards for me but not now. For whatever reason, I have to wait a bit longer and that's okay. One of the last things you said to me before you died was that you trusted my judgment when it came to relationships and that's something I continue to carry with me. Don't worry, I've got more than enough people willing to step in and check out (*cough*interrogate*cough*) potential candidates. Thank you for raising me with old fashioned values; it's helped me weed out jerks.

I still think about you all the time and you pop up in my dreams quite often, especially when I have an important decision weighing on my mind. I hope I can continue making you proud. I'll always remember the lessons you taught me (especially how to parallel park like a boss) and make sure I'm the best person I can be.

With love,

7 Quick Takes, Vol. 24: Favorite Music Edition

Since I've had some pretty heavy blog posts lately I've decided to end this month with a fun post. It's been almost 8 months since I last did a 7 Quick Takes post so why not now?

I often joke that music was my first love because I can't remember a time when I wasn't surrounded by it. When I was a tiny gal, I used to strum on my mom's guitar and then run away, laughing, out of sheer joy of making a sound. I was in the school chorus in elementary school and did a choir after school elective in junior high. I learned how to play part of "Fur Elise" the summer between elementary school and junior high (have since played it in full a number of times) and I eventually picked up the acoustic guitar in my late teens. I was even majoring in Jazz Studies prior to settling on Religious Studies. Oh yeah, and St. Cecilia is my adopted confirmation saint. I can tell you which songs and albums are associated with what times in my life. Most people in my life have a song associated with them. Need I go on? ;)

If you check my last.fm account, you'll see that I'm pretty much always listening to music. To narrow the list to my top 7 was hard but I think I've got my top 7... maybe. At least these are my top 7 in the jazz and classical genres since those are the ones I most gravitate towards.

-- 1 --

"Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles. 

No song will make me sigh and swoon as much as this song. It and "Dream a Little Dream" are quite possibly my favorite songs of all time.

-- 2 --

"Dream a Little Dream" by Pink Martini & The Von Trapps. 

I love "Dream a Little Dream" in all its various incarnations. I'm usually partial to the Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong version but this version by Pink Martini and the Von Trapps is my current favorite.

-- 3 --

"Being There" by the Tord Gustavsen Trio. 

I've been a fan of this trio -- which is now an ensemble -- since my reversion. I actually associate the reversion with the trio's The Ground album and this song is my favorite of the album. Warning: it's jazz and has no lyrics.

-- 4 -- 

"Feeling Good" by Michael Bublé.

I have a lot of wonderful memories attached to this song... and the video is still awesome, a decade later. Fun fact: my Jazz in American Culture professor while I was at Santa Monica College, Prof. Keith Fiddmont, was one of the professional musicians who played on the It's Time album. Great memories all around.

-- 5 --
"Thais: Meditation" by Jules Massenet

Sometimes I just want to turn off the lights in my room at night, open the blinds, and look at the stars while this song plays. Have I ever mentioned I'm a closeted hopeless romantic? No? Has my taste in music given me away yet? ;)

-- 6 --

"Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin

It's 16+ minutes of classical/jazz hybrid goodness and the song most of my friends associate me with. I have yet to watch it performed live but it's my dream and I will undoubtedly cry. lol. If you want to skip to my favorite part, it's between 10:37 and 12:26. At around 11:40 is when I start to really swoon. lol.

-- 7 --

"Ave Maria" by Franz Schubert.

I saved the best for last. This song will never fail to make me cry. Every. Single. Time. It fills my heart with love and joy. I've also dreamt of myself singing it... a lot. In a powerful voice.


Anyway, I don't expect anyone to like all the songs but that's okay. These are my songs. Which are yours?

And now I'm off to the E.R. to get the site of the former abscess looked at. Fun! lol.

I hope y'all had a great week and have a good start of the weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Silence and Lent

This conversation just happened about 5 minutes ago:

Me: You know what? I'm going to give up the internet after 8 p.m.;  9 p.m. today because I have a couple of things to finish.
Mom: Are you sure you can go without it?
Me: Yes. I need to for my health.

You know you really do need to disconnect when your mother doubts your success. lol. Add this to things I'm giving up this Lent.

This is my second Lenten post because I just scraped the surface with the previous post. I'm only giving up three things: time on social media, unnecessary spending, and time away from being "plugged in." I am, however, adding things on.

I guess the biggest thing I'm "adding on" classifies as both adding on and giving up and it's one of the biggest things I struggle with: silence. See, I don't like silence all that much. I always have something playing, even if it's a white noise app that plays the sound of rain or a crackling fire while I try to fall asleep. When my father passed away? I turned on music when I got home because music is my safety blanket. Home alone? Music, the white noise app, or the TV is on. Driving? Music is on.

The only time I like silence is when I'm trying to pray because I like to concentrate. Not always; sometimes I need Gregorian Chant or classical music playing if I feel it's too quiet. I'd say about 98% of the time I need it to be completely quiet. My spiritual director always asks me if I've had some time in silence to pray during the month and my answer is always the same: I have prayed... but I've not done any time just sitting in silence.

This Lent I've decided to take less time plugged in and more time in silence, especially whilst praying. This means unplugging and turning off the computer at 8 p.m. and turning the "do not disturb" function on my iPod at 8:30-9 p.m. so I won't get notifications. This means draining my iPod touch battery and charging it in another part of the apartment so I won't be tempted to check it. It means turning off the T.V. by 9 pm (10 pm on Tuesdays because mom and I love watching 19 Kids and Counting). My phone's ringer will stay off.

What am I going to do with my free time? I'm going to pray... read... write (but no novels; personal letters)... sit in silence and see if I can't get a good conversation with God going. I've been praying about several things for many years but I think that my life has always been so noisy that I might've missed the message a long time ago... and am still missing it. We shall see.

As I said, silence and I are not friends so this will be a good test for me. However, I'm not doing it just for myself and to test my willpower; this is something my spiritual director has been trying to get me to do for months and Lent is the perfect time to try. I may fail... but that doesn't mean that I will give up at the first slip up. Practice makes perfect, right?

Alright, well, I took 4 hours to write this blog post because mom and I got sidetracked with something that was way overdue for a couple of hours. Yes, this means that I already failed at unplugged at 8 p.m. (it's 11:11 p.m. right now). I'm still going to use the next hour to pray and enjoy some silence. An hour today is better than nothing.

I hope you all have a successful Lent... and please remember that if you slip up on one of your Lenten goals, you can always start again. This is the perfect time to remember that we all mess up but that we can always try to do the right thing again. :)

That's it for now.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Didn't Choose St. Cecilia, She Chose Me

That's my statue of St. Cecilia sitting on top of our record player.

I like to think that I didn't choose St. Cecilia as my confirmation saint; that she chose me. While this may sound a little weird, I'd like to tell you why I think this... and, if you're new-ish to the blog, you may not know the full story. I did a "fun facts" edition last year but I'm really getting in depth this year.

See, I was confirmed on St. Cecilia's feast day (yes, it's my confirmation anniversary today as well; November 22, 1998)... at a parish named after St. Cecilia... when music was my favorite thing in the world. I wasn't confirmed properly either, so I didn't even choose a confirmation saint. Getting confused? Let me start from the beginning...

When I was 13 years old, my parents decided that I needed to go through the confirmation process. Because, at the time (don't know how it is now), I had to be 15 or older to start the process I wasn't old enough to get confirmed in the States. My parents (well, my dad) didn't want me to go through the process for two years like I did for my first communion so it was decided that I would go down to Tijuana to be confirmed. I fought them as best as I could as at that age. I wanted to wait until I was 15-16 to get confirmed with my friends; I wanted two those years of confirmation preparation. I had no say in it. I was driven back to Tijuana one weekend to get confirmed. I wasn't prepared. I didn't go to confession before getting confirmed. I was completely unprepared for it... but it happened anyway. If you're wondering how they were able to pull that off -- my mother's godmother had a brother who was a priest at a parish named after St. Cecilia in Tijuana. In Mexico they don't (or didn't, at the time) pick confirmation saints so I missed out on that as well. So I was confirmed (and I was unhappy about it at the time because they didn't let me do it the "right" way)... and I fell away from the Church shortly after that.

When I returned to the Church shortly after my 21st birthday, I became really sad about all the missed opportunities I had. I was poorly catechized (part of my first communion preparation was interrupted because the 1994 Northridge Earthquake struck and our classrooms, on the second floor, were damaged beyond repair) and I hadn't been confirmed properly. There's nothing I can do about it (I can't re-do it) but I decided to learn the basics: when I was confirmed, where, etc. My mother found the certificate and that's when I learned the details: confirmed at St. Cecilia Catholic Church in Tijuana, Mexico on November 22rd, 1998. I looked up which saint had a feast day on the day... and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was St. Cecilia's feast day. I didn't know much about her so I looked her up: patroness of musicians. At the time, I was heavily involved in school chorus and talent shows (a bit hard to picture from this introvert, eh?) so it seemed perfect that St. Cecilia was connected to my confirmation during that period of my life... and to this day.

Music has always been a big part of my life. I've always loved dancing. If there was music playing, I'd be dancing even before I could stand. I did Mexican folkorico dancing in elementary school. I did the whole cheerleading/drill team thing up until high school. I learned most styles of dancing. To this day, I love dancing. When I was a little girl (under 5), I used to strum my mom's guitar and then run away laughing because I thought I would get in trouble for it. In fact, that's one of my oldest memories. I got a little accordion when I was about 5 years-old... and a harmonica soon followed. I learned piano basics when I was in elementary school. I started playing the guitar in my late teens. I'd been singing in school choirs from elementary school through junior high. I left regular public school in high school due to social anxiety or else I'm sure I would've continued through it. I haven't sung in public since I was about 14-15 years old (mostly because I ended up hating the spotlight; I like to be behind the scenes) but I still sing at home, in the car, and, of course, at Mass. I have music playing nearly 24/7. I've half-jokingly said that music was my first love because of how connected I am to it. Every song has a memory for me. There's a playlist to every major event in my life. Every important person in my life has a song (and memory) attached to them. It's only fitting that my patroness has been St. Cecilia.

When I started blogging, I used to only use "Emmy" (which, as most of you know, is not my actual name but a nickname; it was the name my mother wanted to give me before she was vetoed by my dad) as my pen name. When I learned about my St. Cecilia connection, I adopted the "Cecilia" to my pen name... and that's how "Emmy Cecilia" came to be. Even for my novels, my pen name is my given first name (Melissa) and Cecilia. Even know that people know my actual name from articles I've written under my actual name (which you can find links to on the right side, under the list of past blog posts), I'm going to continue using Emmy Cecilia (or, at the very least, Melissa Cecilia away from social media.)

So that is my story about how St. Cecilia chose me, not the other way around. Sorry it was really long and all of that but I really wanted to write it out, especially today. :D

Alright, I need to go head to confession soon so I should stop writing. :)

I hope y'all are having a wonderful weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Novel Playlists and Sequel News

I know, I know... I was supposed to share the rest of the novel playlists last month. I didn't because I was busy with finals the last two weeks. Sorry! Now that I'm on a brief summer break, I'm going to share with y'all the novel playlists... as well as update y'all on the sequel status.

Oh! Before I go on, I just wanted to thank everyone who bought the novel last month. We ended up raising twice the amount I was expecting to donate towards cancer research! I'm donating all of it; I'm not keeping a single penny. Again, thank you so much to everyone who bought it or gifted it to someone!  :D

Alright, back to the blog post...

I shared a shortened version of the one playlist mentioned in the novel (This is What Awesome Sounds Like) last month and thought that the shortened versions of the playlists would be ideal for the blog. The actual playlists I have are several hours long because that's how long I take writing/editing chapters per day. If you want the links to the original playlists, let me know and I'll send them your way.

I decided to share playlists from both novels because the sequel is almost done. As in, I believe I can finish writing the story in the next day or two and I might be able to edit it next week. Don't quote me on that because I do have a packed schedule of socializing to get to before I start the Fall semester towards the end of this month.

The playlists are broken up according to novels and structure. Spoiler alert: since the novels are split into two (Will's POV followed by Lina's POV), the Will playlists are first. Also, WTWC playlists are first and LC (London Calling, name of the sequel) playlists are last. Yes, there only five playlists. No, Candace doesn't have one for the sequel because... if you've read WTWC, you know the answer to that. lol.

Will's Playlist (WTWC)


Lina's Playlist (WTWC)


Candace's Playlist (WTWC)


Will's Playlist (LC)


Lina's Playlist (LC)


Yes, there's quite the difference between the songs chosen for a reason. Spoiler alert: the sequel let's you know what's happened to Will and Lina since the (sort of) cliffhanger in WTWC... but it doesn't pick up immediately after it. It's a bit into the future and the music sort of reflects that. That's all I can say without giving away more details. :D

And that's it. Again, if you want complete playlists or the playlist that contains the songs used for chapter titles (how many of you caught that?), let me know.

Now I have to go run errands and then be domestic (aka clean, cook, etc). ;)

I hope y'all are having a great start of week thus far. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Adorable Video Alert

I'm sure you've all seen this video but I'd had it bookmarked for days to share so I'm doing that now. I saw the link on his sister's Twitter feed and I fell in love with the video from the beginning. It's sad that such a touching video strikes me as rare but... it is. How many videos (or, really, anything on social media) do we see from young men who are excited about being dads? We don't really see that. We see it from young women mostly or from fathers who are a little older or have more experience with children, but very rarely from young 20-somethings. Tom Fletcher, I salute you.

Anyway, if you haven't watched it yet: enjoy! If you have seen it, enjoy it again. :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 14: Music and Life Edition

-- 1 --

I've been on a new music kick lately. There are two songs that I can't get enough of. The first is by Little Mix and it's called "Little Me." It's basically a female empowerment song that isn't in-your-face "feminism". It's a "you're beautiful, no matter what others say" / "don't let anyone put you down" kind of song that I always enjoy listening to. Here's the great video for it:

-- 2 --

The second is "Invisible" by Hunter Hayes. As someone who was bullied in school (part of where my PTSD comes from) and was an outcast in school for being "weird" (because I liked music, movies, and things others didn't), the lyrics hit close to home. I think it's a beautiful song. Here's the lyric video for the song:

-- 3 --

After the Great Music Purge of 2014 (740+ songs; 3.52 GB worth deleted off of my laptop), I decided to go through all my songs and pick and choose which ones I wanted on my iPod. Yes, I normally rotate songs in and out throughout the year. Anyway, while going through the songs, I was once again enamored with the Tord Gustavsen Trio's albums The Ground and Being There. I'll include a video but, uh, I don't expect any of you to like it. (warning: it's Norwegian jazz).

-- 4 --

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness." - Katherine Henson.

I saw this quote on tumblr yesterday and immediately liked it. I feel like I get so much crumbs for being "too softhearted" and "too nice, Jane Bennet." Yes, some of my friends call me "Jane" after Pride and Prejudice's Jane Bennet because I can be "too nice" and people will take advantage of that. Anyway, this was nice to see; sort of "girl, you be you and don't let the haters tell you otherwise."

-- 5 --

I've been writing a lot of snail letters in the past two days. And by a lot I mean five letters. lol. I fell a little behind during the holidays but now I'm getting back to either replying to letters others have sent me or writing just because. I love having pen pals so it's always fun for me to write to them. And to show how diverse my friends are are: one is a priest, one is a professional photographer, one is a deployed soldier (and one-time guest blogger on this blog), one is a substitute teacher, and the other is young college student. Each letter is going to a different state (and/or country). God bless snail mail!

-- 6 --

If you've noticed that I've been online less in the last couple of days, it's because it's true. I've been trying to get my sleeping schedule on track (read: 10 p.m. sleep time and 4:30 a.m. wake up time; I don't even know who I am anymore, lol) and getting a better grasp at time management so a break from the social networking world has been a must. I have less than 3 months to go before I return to school so I need to make sure I'm ready for it. Intense summer program (and program in general) means a change for the better.

-- 7 --

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for Lent, which is a month-ish away. I will once again be using the St. Therese book I used last year but I think I want to add another one to it. Maybe Finding God's Will For You by St. Francis de Sales or maybe I'll just save up and buy the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary instead of using the version in the iPieta app. I am, for sure, limiting my time on social networks (maybe an hour per day). I'll be on vacation for part of Lent so we shall see what else I can come up with. ;)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that's it for now. My life is quite boring but now you know what I've been up to. :)

I hope you've all been having a great week and that you have an excellent weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

7 Quick Takes Vol. 10: St. Cecilia, Emmy, and Music Facts Edition

Happy St. Cecilia feast day. Today is a particularly happy day for me as well... and you shall see why. :D

-- 1 --

Today is the feast day of the patroness of music and musicians... who is also my confirmation saint. Yes, St. Cecilia is my confirmation saint. I always say that I didn't choose her -- that she chose me -- because I really didn't pick a confirmation saint. I'll explain why in a bit but I am so happy that St. Cecilia is my confirmation saint because (as many of you know) I'm a massive music nerd. My first love was music and the only times I go without it is for a brief period during Lent. Even when we were mourning my dad's passing, I listened to music because it's my security blanket. Music helps me express myself without my having to utter a single word. 

-- 2 --

If you're wondering why I said I didn't pick a patron saint, it's because I was confirmed in Mexico where they don't pick confirmation saints. I was confirmed at age 13 (against my wishes, fyi - I wanted to wait until I was 15-16 to be confirmed with my friends) and since we have a priest in the family (on my mom's adopted side), I was confirmed in his parish. This parish was named after St. Cecilia... and I was confirmed on her feast day in 1998. Yes, today is the 15th anniversary of my confirmation. It was just meant to be. When I found out all these things after my reversion, I decided to make her my patron saint and she's been a wonder heavenly buddy ever since.

-- 3 --

Fun fact for those of you who don't know: I actually almost majored in Jazz Studies. I had taken music courses at Santa Monica College (including a course with Prof. Fiddmont; seriously, Google him) and I had the application to USC filled out but things happened and I ended up reverting to the Faith and then switching majors to Religious Studies instead. Still, I'm a huge jazz geek (jazz, swing, big band, and classical are my preferred genres) and I often wonder if I will one day get over my shyness and perform again.

-- 4 --

Oh yeah, that's another fun fact: I used to perform when I was younger. I had the wonderful Ms. Shelby Flint as my teacher when I was about 11 years old and she was the first to really encourage me and give me confidence in singing. I also learned how to play a bit of the piano thanks to her. I sang in chorus at school until I got to high school and developed anxiety. I haven't sung in public since I was about 15 and it would take a lot of courage and a miracle to get me on stage again. I'm just not cut out for it anymore.

-- 5 --

This is my statue of St. Cecilia which sits on top of the family recorder player. Yes, we are vinyl people. ;) I got her a couple of years ago at the parish where I did my first communion. I saw the statue and went "*gasp* I must have it!" It's actually one of the last things that Fr. Leo Leblanc OMI (who helped us when my father passed away) blessed for me before he passed away so it holds a special place in my heart as well.

-- 6 --

This is my baby... and my skinny legs. lol. Yes, I have a pink guitar. Don't hate; it was my big brother's gift to me when I was in my early 20s. It's not my first guitar but it's been my main one for a couple of years now. It's a Daisy Rock brand. I choose it because they make guitars with slimmer necks especially for women because some of us have tiny hands. It has a good sound. I am saving up for a new one because I really love playing classical/Spanish style and I need a guitar that's especially made for nylon strings. Now I just have to find one that I can use with my dainty lady hands. lol.

-- 7 -- 

As you can tell by now, music and I are tight. I use Spotify to make playlists for different things, i.e. workout music, cleaning music, and I even make playlists for my novels and the characters in my novels. To attempt to make a playlist with all my favorite songs would be impossible but I'll share with you the songs that are always in my top three (in no particular order):

Ray Charles' "Georgia on My Mind":


George Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue":


Schubert's "Ave Maria" sung by Andrea Bocelli (never fails to make me tear up):


And that's all for now. I have about 4000-5000 words to write today if I want to catch with NaNoWriMo (and finish on time). ;)

I hope y'all have a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

10 Things You Might've Not Known About This Nerd

I have done this twice before and like to revive the tradition every two years-ish. The first one was written in 2009 and the last one was written in late 2011 so I think it's time to do one again, especially since I have a ton of new readers. So, without further ado, some things you might've not known about me.

1. At my graduation last year, I walked across the stage with my head down out of sheer panic. Those who have met me in person know that I am really shy and quiet when I first meet people and that I hate any sort of attention on me. Since the graduation ceremony was held at the Universal Amphitheater (read: HUGE place), I was utterly uncomfortable with the attention. It didn't help that each graduate's walk across the stage was on a huge screen. When they called my name, I think I turned bright red, looked down at my feet, and walked off-stage as quickly as my little feet could carry me. lol.

2. I actually don't like being a freelance writer; I'd rather tutor than write... Don't get me wrong, I love writing. Any time I get a chance to write something Catholic related or work on something that I can create with my wild imagination, I am happy. Sadly, most of my assignments have been a pain to write and/or the clients have been very rude and picky. "300 words exactly, not one less or more or you'll do it over again." "You call that an article? You didn't follow my directions to a T so now I am docking your pay!" Yikes! The only non-Catholic ones that I've really enjoyed have been the articles I've written for H&R Block's blog.

3. ... but if I could make a living out of writing fiction/novels, I'd rather do that than anything else. I am way behind schedule on finishing my novel (and the sequel has actually been started) because I've had to rewrite a couple of things to make the plot flow better. Thankfully I have an amazing beta reader/editor (Kiera) who helps me immensely. If I can make a career out of writing, I'm hiring her as my editor... even if she doesn't know it yet. lol. Oh, and I think the Spotify playlists for the main characters are still up if you want to try to figure out their personalities.

4. My way of "handling" things such as violence and/or death is by feeling faint. This is a symptom of PTSD. Seeing my father die right in front of me and living in an apartment complex that has had both a bomb threat (for which everyone except my father and I were evacuated) and a shooting that took place in our section. Even if I know someone's death is fictional (like Lady Sybil's death on Downton Abbey), I will feel like I'm going to pass out. Now friends will know why I will pass on action films.

5. I like to have "themed" literary months. December will always be Jane Austen month for me. November is the Chronicles of Narnia month. October is Catholic saints month. etc. Sometimes the theme is "finish reading all the books you started but didn't complete" because I tend to read at least 2-3 books at a time and sometimes I am so busy with work that they get pushed aside for weeks at a time.

6. I make way too many references to my favorite books, shows, and songs when talking to people. The top 5: Jane Austen ("You have no compassion for my poor nerves!"), Doctor Who (usually about the TARDIS being drunk), Elf ("you sit on a throne of lies!"), Mean Girls (I don't actually love this movie but it's so quotable; "Four for you *insert first name* Coco. You go, *insert first name* Coco."), and The Philadelphia Story ("Oh, C.K. Dexter Haaaaaveeeen...").

7. My friends love to take me shopping when they need something because the Hufflepuff in me can find things very quickly. Yes, that was a Harry Potter/A Very Potter Musical reference... and, yes, I got sorted into the Hufflepuff house on Pottermore. I am a Hufflepuff. Anyway, I have a knack for finding things incredibly fast so my girlfriends like taking me to stores so that I can cut their shopping time by more than half. Last time I did it, I found an entire outfit for one of my good friends in less than 15 minutes... and through racks she'd already gone through. Before that, I was taken to a record store to find some awesome vinyls of the jazz/blues genre for a friend's boyfriend. I should charge for my services. lol. 

8. I drive like a grandma according to some people. I stick to speed limits and will rarely go faster and that drives some of my friends crazy. I'm sorry but the speed limits are there for a reason and if you've ever driven in L.A., you know why I'm super cautious when I drive. People be cray cray. There are way too many almost accidents in my part of L.A.

9. Though I stink at html, graphics, and all of that, I am very proud of myself for creating the blog's new look. Yes, I only customized a Blogger template and I didn't make the banner graphic (I only found the font and used it to write "Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer") but still. Better than nothing! I am happy because the previous layout was too cluttered for my taste (it was made that way by someone else). Let me have this little moment of happiness. Please. 

10. Every person and time in my life has a song unintentionally assigned to them. I'm very musically inclined (and I actually miss my guitar very much at the moment) so this isn't that much of a surprise. Every friend has a song that I associate them with. Every big event in my life has a song attached to it. However, no one knows what songs they are... and they may never know. ;) I will say that friends have done the same to me and the top 3 I get are "Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin, "Sing Sing Sing" by Benny Goodman, and "Georgia on my Mind" by Ray Charles -- all favorite songs of mine.

And now you know a little more about me. I am going to go work on my novel now since I have loads of free time tonight. :D Hope this wasn't too boring for y'all. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Music Monday: The Great Music Purge

It only took me a year and a half but it's done. The Great Music Purge of 2013 is in the history books. If you haven't read my blog enough (nor want to click the link), I will explain why I did this.

Basically, I wasn't comfortable listening to a lot of songs that I had acquired over the years (including prior to my reversion). I used to pay attention to the melody and some of the words but when I stopped and actually listened to the lyrics I was surprised. A lot of songs had those double entendres that I hadn't picked up but, when I did, I was disturbed. My mind is still very innocent in that way. What the heck was I listening to at 12? I was listening to WHAT just a few weeks ago? *shudder*

Since it was Lent (and I had been putting off for far too long), I thought it was a good idea to just get it done. I started off with 2000+ songs and I ended up with (as you can see the screencap) 770 songs. That doesn't include songs on physical CDs or songs on my laptop that belong to my mom or were my dad's. That means that I wasted a ton of money on songs (since I legally paid for all my music). Once I took out songs I wasn't particularly interested in listening to these days (like Christmas music) and songs that I can't listen to because of "Alleluia" or "Hallelujah" (which should be avoided during Lent), I ended up with 310 songs.

Even though I had to give up a lot of songs I "loved" (I got rid of anything that had a negative message as well; i.e. "I will seek revenge on you for xyz..." or "if this person doesn't come back to me, I will plunge into a deep depressive hole..."), I knew it was for the best. Call me a prude and/or call me a puritan for getting rid of certain songs but I felt like I needed to do it for myself. In my experience, if you surround yourself with negativity and/or sinful thoughts and things, you'll most likely get acclimated to it and the easier it'll be for you to accept them... which can lead you astray more easily. You may disagree (and that's fine) but I would rather not risk it. Trust me, I had to go into the confessional a couple of times and confess some thoughts and words that were a result of singing along or thinking about certain songs. Yeah, not going back for that. For being an impatient snark when I'm driving, maybe, but not for that! lol.

I wish someone had curved my iTunes addiction between 2004 and 2008 (when I went a little crazy, ahem) but what's done is done. All of this has actually made me even more aware of my spending (not just on physical and virtual items but also with my time). There's been a lot of wasted money and time that I won't get back. However, I can make sure I don't make the same mistake twice. Not that I will now with the uber frugal budget I've given myself but, you know, better to take precautions. ;)

FYI, No, all the songs are not Perry Como. lol. It's a mix of classical, jazz/swing/big band, country, pop, classic rock, etc etc. My tastes vary and I have a soundtrack for everything. Everything. Music nerd, party of one. ;)

Anyway, just wanted to write this quick update because I know some of you were wondering about it... or some wanted to know what I'm currently listening to because I seem to have music on almost 24/7 (yes, I even have it on while I sleep some nights). My last.fm account will show y'all more if you're interested... but remember that I have a lot of pre-reversion music on it. ;)

Since today is my day off (I give myself Sundays and Mondays off), I'm going to try to relax before I go back to work on my novel and whatever assignments I can find (work is unfortunately nonexistent these days).

I hope you all had a great weekend and a have a fantastic week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D