St. Therese and Vocation Doubts/Fears

Something funny happened to me earlier this week as I was finally putting all my living room books (which are the ones I actually want to read; not like the ones in "storage" in my book cave) to the bookcase: a prayer card I don't remember purchasing or receiving of St. Therese's was casually on top of one of my books. I didn't put it there. In fact, I had no idea I even owned this prayer card. That wasn't the funny part -- the book it was on top of was the funny bit.

If you're still wondering why I find this funny, it's very simple: she's one of the three saints I've prayed to regarding my vocation over the years and this after some vocation doubts. (side note: St. Raphael and the Immaculate Heart of Mary are the other two.) Look at the cover a little closer and you'll see that it has red roses adorning the border of the cover. I see what you're doing, Little Flower. ;)

The timing is impeccable because, as I've said, I've been having some... I don't want to say doubts but something in between doubts and fears regarding my future husband. Yes, I'm still single but a conversation I had earlier this week put some of these negative thoughts into my head.

Basically, this person and I were talking about my food allergies/intolerances. I've never been formally tested for an egg allergy but I display some of the symptoms of one... or did the last time I had any eggs. I'm getting a dairy allergy blood test done in March but I also had some of the allergy symptoms when we took it out of my diet over a decade ago. While the gluten intolerance blood test came back negative nearly 2-3 years ago, I've noticed that I feel lethargic for a couple of days after I eat a lot of wheat. When I take it out completely, I'm full of energy. I'll have to talk to my doctor about whether I'll permanently remove it from my diet or just reduce the amount that I eat but, for now, I'd rather not have any of it.

All of this -- plus what I've gone through in recent month -- made the person I was talking to say "wow, your poor future husband. What's he going to eat? I was sort of taken aback by this comment. "What do you mean?" I asked them. "Just because I can't eat something doesn't mean no one else can't. I make mom dishes that have dairy and eggs in them, no problem. I just make myself something else." The conversation then went into a place which I don't like visiting: the dungeon of fear regarding my vocation and future spouse.

In this dungeon of fears resides my biggest fear regarding my vocation: marrying the wrong person. It lives with its brother, Who the Heck is Going to Want to Endure What I Go Through? (or "Good Luck, Pal" for short) and its sister, Maybe You Didn't Discern Your Vocation Properly ("Nagging Nelly" for short). Between the three, I can have some pretty awful moments in which I question my vocation. While none of these have escaped from the dungeon in recent weeks, I got a glimpse of them during this conversation.

I'll be honest and say that, yes, I do wonder if I'll ever meet a fella who is going to say "your life isn't easy but I'm willing to endure this with you." I've always had stomach issues, even when I was a little kid. I can go weeks, months, or even years without issues as long as I take care of myself. Because of how bad recent stress levels have been, my stomach has been a pain to deal with. Thankfully I'm learning what triggers it (stress and anxiety) and what I can do to help it heal faster. Now that I'm also noticing which foods can aggravate it, it's getting better. Still, I know some people must go "wow, poor girl. So hard." A lot of people aren't aware of the multitude of options I have. I've learned to substitute eggs in baked goods with applesauce, bananas, and other things. Need flour? There's rice flour. Milk? There's so many options. I cut wheat out of my diet almost a month ago (reintroducing it briefly as part of an elimination diet) and I've still managed to gain a little bit of weight (which I'm excited about).

Sometimes I wonder if guys see this as a big obstacle. I don't like to go out to eat without checking menus and ingredient lists online first. I'd rather cook at home. In fact, I sincerely enjoy it. I just want to keep myself healthy, you know? I'm sure some guys see this as a huge hassle. Then we have other obstacle... which I personally don't see as an obstacle: my mother. Yes, there is a reason I brought her up; she was the second part of my conversation.

My mother is part of the packaged deal. While she doesn't meddle in my affairs (she's always let me make my own mistakes so I can learn and grow from them and I know she won't get involved in any squabbles I may have with future fella), I know guys don't like that. A lot of guys have basically said "oh... she's in your life that much? See ya!" I'm always going to want to live as close to her as possible because of her memory issues. I can't abandon her, you know? What a wretched thing it would be; to leave her to fend for herself during her moments in which she needs someone to help her. However, this is also part of my fear.

Taking my food intolerances and stomach issues, my occasional anxiety (which is getting better, thank goodness), and my mother being close... I sometimes fear that I'm going to stay single because no guy is going to want to deal with that. I try to remain optimistic and say that someday a guy will look at these things and go "oh, those aren't deal breakers; I want to go through this with you. We can do this together." That's my mentality most of the time... but the terrible trio of doubts will occasionally try to trip me.

Seeing the St. Therese prayer card on top of a book about dating was a sort of "hey, don't listen to those doubts; just keep praying" sign for me. No, I don't need signs but it was a lovely reminder to trust God. St. Therese was so sure of her vocation, even when she had to wait years to be allowed to enter the convent. Maybe she and I should have a conversation in the form of a novena. Maybe she can inspire me to do something more. I pray for my future husband but maybe not as often as I should. Maybe I should step up my prayers for my own vocation as well. Yes, I also pray that God prepares me for my future husband as well. I've entrusted this to the Immaculate Heart of Mary -- to help guide me to be the best wife I can be to my future husband and the best mama our future kids can have. I want to have strength where he may be weak and I'm sure God is preparing him to be strong where I'm weak.

Anyway, I'm writing this past midnight (it's almost 1 a.m. right now) because it's just something that I felt a strong urge to share on this blog. I'm not sure if I'll chicken out and delete this before it gets published but, if I don't, I hope that these rambling thoughts make sense to someone. I rarely see blog posts about fears regarding their vocations as future spouses so I hope this helps someone in the same boat.

Alright, I should try to get some sleep. It's already way past my bedtime.

I hope y'all are doing well! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Grown Up Millennials and Their Parents

There's one topic I've seen come up a lot this week: how grown up Millennials are going to deal with their aging parents. Many of us are already in our mid-late 20s into early 30s and we're starting to either see parents in a new light or (if you have an older parent) you're starting to see them slowing down due to age. I fall into the latter category.

My parents were not "young" when I was born. I got to see my dad reach his 66th birthday before passing away after a 7 year battle with cancer. My mom is just starting to slow down. Her memory is not the best, which is why I go everywhere with her and why I've had to rearrange work and school schedule so that I'm able to drive her to work at 5 a.m. and pick her up when she gets off of work. She's very active but she's exhausted at the end of the day... and even goes to bed much earlier.

The topic of what I'll do when I get married has been brought up a couple of times lately with questions such as: will I take my mother with me? Will she be nearby so I can keep an eye on her? Why is it even my responsibility? Why doesn't someone else take care of her? While attempting to answer these questions myself (I do have an idea of what I would like to happen when the day that I get married arrives), there was an even bigger issue we all noticed: it's unfortunately becoming clear that many Millennials just don't want to "deal" with their aging parents.

Let's face it: we live in a world where our independence and our "me, me, me" mentality is the norm. Millennials have the sad stereotype of being lazy, selfish brats who rely too much on our parents... and (don't hate me for saying this), it's pretty spot on for a number of us. I include myself in this because I do still live at home (though this was decided at an earlier age because it's a cultural Hispanic normal I grew up with; unmarried women live with the parents until they marry) and, yes, I do contribute to the running of this household but it's nowhere near how much my mom does.

We (those who I've talked to about this issues and I; all Millennials between the ages of about 23 through 31) have all remarked how rare it is to see children wanting to take care of their parents. It's not really done. It's not "cool" and it's certainly not easy, so, of course, let's get rid of the problem. Sigh.

Just as it's weird for many Millennials to hear that I chose to take care of my parents (my dad while he had cancer, my mother as she's aging), it's weird for me that some just don't want to do it. My parents brought me up with old fashioned Hispanic values. I don't call elders by their first name; it's always "Mr.", "Mrs./Ms.", "Sir", or "Ma'am." I use the formal "usted" instead of "tu" when speaking Spanish because that's how we show respect. A coworker of my mom's made a joke about how he has to show me because I'm his elder (and I'm only 6 months older than he is.) It's just how we were raised. In the family, someone (son or daughter) takes the parents in as they're aging, whether they have a family of their own or not. Even if both parents are alive, they still live with someone. It's just how it's done (or was done; I'm not up-to-date with current Hispanic culture.) When my dad had cancer, I had no problem taking on that role. I had just turned 17 when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer and I was 24 when he passed away. With my mom, I still have no problem with the idea of helping take care of her as she ages. Like I said, this is not even an issue for me but it honestly bothers me that some people are willing to, basically, dump their parents because it doesn't fit in with their lifestyle.

If you think I'm being harsh with my assessment, I'd invite you to go visit a convalescent hospital to do volunteer work. I guarantee that you will meet patients whose family have abandoned them. My mom has worked at a convalescent hospital since before I was born so I've grown up around that environment. I've seen patients whose sons and daughters have left their parents at the hospitals and then do not return to see them until they get the call that their parents have passed away. I have had so many adopted "aunts," "uncles," and "grandparents" in my lifetime because of this.

While I know that not everyone has the means or time to personally take care of their parents themselves, it doesn't mean that they should be abandoned just like that. I'm honestly worried that that is what we're going to see with my generation: many people dropping their parents off at convalescent hospitals, senior living apartments, etc and basically forgetting about them. If you need (or will need) help taking care of your parents as they age, there's nothing wrong with that. Seeing that they get the best care they can get (with help from others who are trained to do it) is still noble; just don't abandon them because you think they're "just fine" with the help they get. Trust me, you still need to make sure they're getting the best care possible, even if it's at a nursing home; not all nurses or places are the best fit for the patients. From my experience, I know some nurses have no business being nurses. I still think of that awful nurse who made my father cry in the final weeks of his life, telling him he was there because he was an undocumented illegal who caused pity -- said this to my father who was a naturalized U.S. citizen.

If you still think you don't have a duty to your parents when you grow up, remember the fourth commandment: honor thy father and mother. I know this opens up a whole can of worms when brought up because I do know some who don't have a close relationship with their parents due to family friction that is irreparable. Some people have chosen to separate themselves from a parent (or both parents) because it's not a healthy relationship for them... but that doesn't mean we can't still, in a way, attempt to take care of our parents. You don't get along with your parents? You live too far away? Pray that God will put the right people in their path so that they can be taken care of. My mother, who didn't really know her birth mother, added her to the All Souls Day list. You don't have to like someone to wish the best for them. I know some parents are horrible to their children growing up but they can still try to forgive (which is not easy, I know) and pray for them. Want to work on reaching Heaven? Pray for your parents even if you aren't their biggest fans.

Anyway, these were my thoughts on the subject since it's come up a lot (like, a surprising amount of times) this and last week. Millennials, I dare you to defy the expectation that our generation (being so stereotypically selfish) won't give a hoot about what happens to our parents as they age. I dare you to pray for your parents, even if you don't get along with them. While my mom and I are pretty close, we don't always get along. I've prayed for her when I've been upset with her over typical mother-daughter breakdowns. Differing temperaments (she's very much an extroverted open book and I'm very much an introvert who is a lot more reserved) make it hard for us to communicate at times but, when it comes down to it, I'm always going to be there for her and make sure that she gets what is necessary as her needs change with age, no matter what. Just some thoughts for y'all since, let's be real, we're going to start seeing our parents aging soon.

Alright, I need to go do some beta reader email reading. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Pope Benedict XVI, Religious Sister or Mother?, Relationships, and Roadtrip - Part Deux.

First off, SO sorry I haven't blogged as often -- once again. I've been so busy with multiple things, I lose track of time very easily. I will try my hardest to update more frequently, especially now that I'm seriously going to buckle down and work hard on finishing my novel.

Pope Benedict XVI was here all of last week. Sadly, I once got to watch a clip from when he arrived and nothing more during the week. I was, however, lucky enough to watch the Mass he did at Yankee Stadium live thanks to EWTN. I will admit that I shed many tears (happy tears) during the Mass. I loved that a Mexican man (reporters could tell by the accent/dialect) yelled "Viva el Papa!" (which means "long live the Pope" in Spanish) and everyone yelled "Viva!" The expression of Pope Benedict's face was priceless. He was very surprised and you could tell he felt the love of the crowd. When he spoke out about protecting babies -- those not yet born and those born -- the crowd yelled very loudly, as did I from my bedroom. lol. He also encouraging young people to consider religious vocations. It definitely made me think and seriously consider it. One of the things that personally touched me the most was when he spoke in Spanish and gave us Hispanics and Latin people blessings. (side note: He spoke to President Bush about stopping all the discrimination against immigrants, which pretty much won all the hearts of us living in the U.S. -- born here, like myself, and those who come here for a better life). After all said and done... WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MASS!!! Everything that was said and done was just beautiful. Someone who actually attended said the experience was indescribable. I bet! I also got to see when Pope Benedict went to Ground Zero for a prayer to meet survivors and family of victims. It was heartbreaking, especially to see an officer (or perhaps he was a fireman), who met the Pope, with a limp because I believe he has a prosthetic leg. At the same time, it was full of hope because, while it is unbelievable terrifying what happened at 9/11 (and I still remember where I was and how I felt when I found out what had happened that morning), there is still hope that human beings will learn from these terrible events and try to prevent it from happening anywhere. I also cried when I watched Pope Benedict leave back to Rome from JFK. Thank goodness EWTN was broadcasting all of it live because it made me feel like I was there. I'm so sad that our beloved Papa has left, and I really felt like I was saying goodbye to a dear friend when I saw him board the plane, but my heart is filled with hope, joy and love because he was here and he was simply amazing and inspiring. I hope to get to see him in person some day -- even if it means that I have to go to the Vatican and stand out when he greets people from his window. I loved our Papa before but this visit just increased the love and admiration I have for him and my faith. :)

One thing that I've already mentioned, his homily really made me think... especially about considering becoming a religious Sister. I've done a lot of soul searching lately and I'm honestly torn between getting married and becoming a sister. I don't think I have what it takes to be a nun, especially a cloistered nun, but I would love to be a Sister and teach Religious Studies if that's what God has in-store for me. I would also LOVE to be a wife and mother and bring at least one child into this world. I think that there is nothing more beautiful, and more joyous, than being a mother. The Blessed Virgin Mary has definitely been present in my life recently -- popping into my mind at random times and also praying for her intercession -- and she's really made me want to become a mother. That's a big surprise to friends who've known me for years because I used to say that I didn't want children and that childbirth was the scariest thing I could think of. It's a complete 180 from how I was before. :D It just goes to show how much a person can change in a matter of months.

I usually don't mention my personal life but for the purposes of this post I will mention a bit. This morning I was watching the European Journal on KOCE (PBS station) and they said that 70% of women living in Spain get physically beaten by their husbands and boyfriends. That is SHOCKING!!! I mean, I understand that there's a machismo image that Hispanic men have but I had no idea there was that much violence. I'm disgusted by it -- especially because I'm of Spanish heritage. I've been lucky enough to not experience that but I am sadden for those Spanish women, and women world wide, who have. It makes me want to do something about it -- to protect these women and their children. My heart goes out to them.

On a more positive side of relationships: Lately I've really grown from experiences regarding love and relationships. Since my novel is based on real life experiences, I've been revisiting some old memories -- many of which have been about a very special guy in my life. He gave me a reason to smile when I first got sick and he still makes me smile because he's a big dork. lol. Just like he did then, he's been giving me hope that I will get better and beat what I'm going through -- and he doesn't even know because I refuse to ever let him know that. Haha. One of the biggest things he's given me hope for -- I've started to believe that I will find the person I've meant to be with, if that's in God's plans for me. Just the fact that I have someone like him to unintentionally inspire me to not give up on so many things, including love, is amazing. I really hope that everyone has someone like that in their life... just make sure that they never take you up the roof, while you're in heels, at night just to slow dance with you -- especially if you're afraid of heights. It's romantic and psychotic at the same time. Haha. Yeah... that's a GREAT image that's completely stuck in my head. You'll read about it in my novel. lol.

So, besides all of that, I went on a little roadtrip yesterday -- which was the roadtrip from the place down under (and I don't mean Australia). It was absolutely horrible and I'm so stressed out from it. I seriously just want to sleep and listen to music for days. lol. I am ignoring any and all emails and messages that will stress me out (which I've already received, ugh) because I just spent a really long time with screaming children (which I didn't really mind because the little baby was sick and there was nothing that could make him feel better) and just chaos. To top it off, an own goal at Anfield (Liverpool FC's stadium) has made it difficult for them to go onto the semi-finals. Well, I still have hope. :D Yesterday was the WORST day, I've had in quite some time. But, as I've said, all I need is sleep and relaxation, which I will get during our movie marathon tonight! YAY! lol. Oh and I should note that two of my older brothers stopped by for a few minutes last night which was a happier ending to my horrific day. :D

Alright, well, I have to go get ready for when my dad comes home -- which he just did the second I started writing this. Haha. WEIRD! Now that he's home, I have to make sure he's alright because he's in his last 2 weeks of chemo and the side effects have gotten worse lately. Hopefully more entries will be written before the end of the week. I will definitely try. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Don't forget to watch the Dove Awards on GMC (Gospel Music Channel) tonight!!! :D.
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Futbol, Parrot Pranks Nuns, Saint Dream, and Vocation.

Yesterday I watched two futbol (football/soccer) games -- Celtic v. Barcelona in a Champions League match during the morning; L.A. Galaxy vs. Gamba Osaka (from Japan) at night. Both teams I was rooting for (Celtic and Galaxy) didn't win by ONE goal. Ugh. Bummer. Celtic still have a chance to go further in the CL but Galaxy was in a semi-final so they're now going to play for 3rd place, again Australia's Sydney FC, in the Pan Pacific games. That's going to air half past midnight (Pacific Standard Time) so I'll be up late at night watching the game. Hopefully they don't lose that game because it'll be a crummy way to start the season. (MLS season starts at the end of next month).

Ooh... before I forget... my mom told my dad and I the story about how when she was younger and visiting her uncle, his pet parrot pranked some nuns. Seriously. Her (my mom's) uncle had this parrot that was apparently quite the talker -- and not in the nicest way. One day, a group of nuns were walking near his house and all of a sudden the parrot yells "Go on, donkeys" (I'm paraphrasing it... and it sounds funnier in Spanish, I swear). So the nuns looks around, completely perplexed as to who would be saying that to them. So they continue on their way and the parrot, seeing them walk away, yells out the same thing again. The nuns couldn't see anything until the parrot starts cackling and they it laughing. What do the nuns do? They start cracking up that an animal would be doing such a thing. Only an animal would get away with such a thing. It's a good thing those nuns had a sense of humor too. Mom, who went to a Catholic boarding school growing up, didn't have the best experiences with nuns so it's good to hear of some that were awesome enough to laugh over a parrot's prank.

You know what else is awesome, yet kinda weird? Having a dream where two saints are fighting over you. Oh yeah! Last night I had a dream that I was looking for a necklace made out of jade (the gemstone). So, I found one that had jade beads mixed with some clear white ones. When the sales lady asked me what the necklace was for, I mentioned it was because I was starting my career. Then I saw a white candle being lit for me, and water surrounding it, and a statue of St. Barbara in front of it... but it was supposed to be a statute St. Lucy. That was odd. So then I heard a voice say "I'm her new patron" and I found out it was St. Monica sort of calling dibs on me. Then I heard another voice say "She belongs to me" and saw it was St. Lucy. That led to St. Monica saying that she was the patron of the vocation I was meant for and I basically woke up in the middle of them sort of wanting to claim me as their devotee. I believe it was a draw/tie. That was a bit odd, in a good way. When I woke up, I looked up what they are patron saints of. I knew of St. Lucy but wasn't too sure with St. Monica. St. Lucy is the patron saint of eye problems and (whoo!) authors/writers. St. Monica is the patron saint of homemakers, married women and mothers, amongst other things. So, that got me thinking... what IS my vocation?

It's kinda funny... last night, before I fell asleep, I was thinking about how I wanted to go have a chat with the young Polish priest (who is, I think, the most popular priest at my parish) about some things, including about possible vocations. I've been thinking about it because, though I love writing, I am not entirely sure I can make a lasting career out of it. I even thought that maybe I was supposed to become a nun, especially with the horrible luck I've had with ex-boyfriends. This past Sunday, while I was in Mass, I even thought to myself "What is my vocation supposed to be?" and I heard the word "Mother" in my head. The word literally popped up into my mind. So, the dream I had last night it sort of making me think about all of this. Maybe that is my answer. Maybe, through my dream and the thing during Mass, I got my answer that maybe becoming a nun isn't what I should do and that becoming a mother in the future is the best path for me. I don't know. They say we shouldn't read too much into our dreams so I'm trying not to. We'll just leave it at... I don't know but I do feel myself being drawn more to the wife/mother/writer side than the religious life/nun life. Only time will tell.

Alright, well... it's getting late, I'm exhausted for no reason (as usual) and a bit hungry so I am going to get some food in my stomach before I call it a day. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D