My Oblate Retreat, Part One: Obstacles, Tears, and a Trip to the ER

"God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not fall..." (Ps 62:7, NABRE)

These were the first words I read when I randomly opened up the Bible in my room at the retreat center. It was the third day of the retreat and I was running on empty; tears flowing down my cheeks because I felt like I didn't belong there. But, before I go on, let me start from the beginning...

Exactly one week before I left for the trip, I started feeling sick. I had a low-grade fever that came out of nowhere. Every day after that was a new, different thing. Fever, aches and pains, fatigue, stomach issues, debilitating headaches, etc. It was never the same thing. The day before I left for the retreat, I got food poisoning (as did my mom) and I felt so terrible that I didn't know if I was going to have to cancel my trip at the last minute.

I had a strong feeling that taking the trip was a bad idea; that I should stay at home instead. I had so many strong doubts the day before that I felt overwhelmed. Eventually, my stubborn side kept reminding me that, no, I wanted this. That and I know that "feelings" can sometimes trip us up so I wasn't trusting them.

I'd been praying about/discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for a long time. I kept reminding myself that I wouldn't have raised $800 in 11 hours if it wasn't God's will for me to make this trip. (By the way, if you're new to my journey, you can read about the beginning of my discernment to the fundraiser here.) God had made it clear that He wanted me to do this so I would, no matter what obstacles would come my way. What I didn't know was that the entire retreat would be full of obstacles that would leave me feeling drained.

I started my trip on only two hours of sleep. Due to the heebie-jeebies I get being on a plane, I can't sleep during flights. We had a pretty smooth flight but I was seriously fighting sleep by the time we landed in O'Hare. Thankfully, a fellow oblate offered to drive me from the airport to the retreat center so I was able to nod off during the drive. We went to lunch with other oblates before we went to the center, which I'm grateful for because it would be the last decent meal I'd have for 3 days.

Months beforehand, I let the oblate who organized the retreat know about my food allergies and intolerance. (side note: this was prior to my food allergy panel results.) He let me know that they would be able to accommodate my dietary restrictions. A few days before the retreat, I let him know I would be taking a small part of my food; the corn tortillas and a few snacks in case there was a mix-up. I'm grateful I took them because there was a major mix-up: they thought I would be taking all of my food and they weren't prepared for me. Gulp. The next couple of days consisted of me eating mostly tortillas and the few snacks I'd taken because they kept making me food that made me sick. At least I got some protein in the form of chicken... even though I ended up getting sick from it because they prepared it with ingredients my stomach couldn't tolerate. I was so hungry that I didn't care; I ate it all even though my body physically ached afterward.

On the second day of the retreat, I felt physically spent. I thought it was due to the lack of food and the lack of sleep so I tried to tough it out. When I started swaying and feeling like I was going to pass out whenever I stood up, I knew I had to let someone know I wasn't feeling well. You know, in case I did faint. When I started feeling like I couldn't breathe and I started seeing black whenever I stood, I knew I had to be seen by a doctor. I asked if there was a local urgent care I could be seen at. I only told our Oblate Master because I didn't want to disturb the other oblates' retreat experience nor did I want any attention. I just wanted to be quietly seen by a doctor because I knew something was wrong and I wouldn't be able to simply ignore it. He got one of the oblates to drive me to the local emergency room.

The final diagnosis? Dehydration, near-syncope ("most likely from lack of sleep and lack of food," according to the doctor), and a migraine. Awesome. Thanks, body! They checked my bloodwork and they gave me a bag of IV fluids. I was given the okay to fly back to L.A. on Sunday. I needed to rest and hydrate as much as I could.

The next day (our third day of the retreat), our Oblate Master told me to rest as much as I could. He told me he didn't care if I stayed and rested in my room for the entire retreat; he just wanted to get the scapular on me so I could begin my novitiate with them the following day. I went down for breakfast, feeling awful because I had only slept 3 hours. The chef said, "Oh wait, we have to prepare breakfast for you, too?" They had no food for me. I was so emotionally spent that I ate my tortillas while I tried to keep myself from crying. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the tears from spilling over but, at least, I was able to cry as silently as I could. I did not want any attention.

Other oblates would come up to me and ask me how I was feeling. I would say "better" because those IV fluids really did help me out a lot but, emotionally, I was a mess. I was exhausted so I went up to my room to nap instead of going to the third conference. I didn't want to push myself any more than I already had. Before I took that nap, though, I called my mom and told her what was going on.

I broke down and cried. I wanted to go home because of how miserable I felt. I kept second-guessing my decision to have gone on the retreat. I messaged my best friends and told them I felt like I didn't belong there. I felt like an unprepared fraud; like perhaps I'd discerned incorrectly. It was bad. I don't usually have these types of thoughts so I scared myself a bit. They reminded me that I was stronger than I felt at the time. They wondered if I was experiencing spiritual attacks because this was a major trip for me.

Prayer and Lectio Divina in my room.

I took a nap and woke up before Sext and lunch so I decided to do a little Lectio Divina. That's when I took the Bible the center had provided. I chose a random page and opened it up. Of course, I would open it up to a psalm about trusting God. I felt like He was giving me consolation; letting me know that He wanted me there. I felt a renewed determination to stick it out, no matter what else would happen. The rest of the weekend was comprised of resting when I knew I couldn't push myself further, eating whatever I could, drinking as much water as I could, and trying to keep my spirits up.

Sunday -- the big day -- came. Despite the little sleep, I felt excited and ready. Since I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up at 3:30 a.m., I packed and got myself ready for the morning. I went into the kitchen and had something to eat so I wouldn't feel lightheaded during Lauds, Mass, and the scapular investiture of the new novices. I was fine during Lauds... but then I started feeling sick during Mass. It was almost like round two of what had sent me to the ER two days prior. Cue me mentally asking all the saints to intercede for me.

I kept swaying and wanting to black out when I stood up during Mass so, at one point, I stayed seated. I was a little embarrassed because I didn't want to seem impious but I knew it would be worse if I passed out. I also knew I had to go up to the altar during the Ritus Induendi Novitium Oblatum (the investiture ceremony) so I wanted to save up whatever little strength I had.

"Mama Mary...  Guardian Angel... St. Benedict... St. Frances of Rome... all the Benedictine saints... Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati... St. Therese... hold me up. Intercede just so that my knees won't buckle under me." I was able to get myself to the far right side of the altar and I leaned against the wall, holding on with one hand when I felt like my knees would give in. I felt like I had no physical strength... but, darn it, I was going to go through it all, standing!

As Fr. Prior was getting ready to place the scapular on me, I felt like I was going to fall to the ground. I stubbornly made myself stand away from the wall so I wouldn't have that support. I trusted God; I knew I was meant to be there so I let my fears go. (side note: who says having a bit of a stubborn streak is a bad thing? I only use it during times like these. lol.) There was no way I wasn't going to go through with it. Only the day before, after reading Psalm 62, I met with our Oblate Master and he told me that I was meant to be there. I knew it was what God wanted me to do; there had been too many "signs" that this seems to be God's will for me.

I kid y'all not, the second the scapular was placed on me by Fr. Prior, I felt the most refreshing peace wash over me. Not only that, all the shakiness and the physical weakness seemed to have disappeared in an instant. I felt strengthened... and I was instantaneously grateful for all I had endured up to that point. The tears, the physical and emotional obstacles, the ER visit... every single thing I had endured was worth it. I was grateful for all the difficulties because it made that moment even more glorious.

I didn't get to sleep for 24 hours after that, we had the worst turbulence I've ever experienced on the way back home, and it took me two full days to start feeling like myself again... but I survived.

I know it was due to everyone's prayers that I was able to make it through the entire weekend. I mean, I've struggled with constant fatigue for months now (though I'd been feeling much better and my health had been on the upswing up to a week before the trip). I can't function with less than 5 hours of sleep, yet I somehow was able to do it with an average of 3 hours of sleep per night for half a week. I can't fast because it makes me sick yet I somehow got through days of little food.

I'm sorry I missed half of the activities of the retreat. I'm also sad that I didn't get to know my fellow oblates better. I'm a little embarrassed when I think about what a first impression I made on them as well but it was a good humbling experience for me. It reminded me that I'm now part of a (lovely) community; that I can't do everything on my own and that trusting God is the only way to go. There was also no room for vanity (I walked around with my hair in a messy bun and my "humility glasses" for most of the retreat) or anything that would take away from the purpose of the trip. It was absolutely perfect in its own way.

Anyway, this post is far too long so I'll write a part two soon. Yes, there's more. I just wrote the basics of the obstacles so I can focus on the good that came from the retreat in the next post. :)

If you've made it this far, thank you for sticking with it! I promise not all posts will be this long.

I'm going to go make myself something to eat before I get back to work. I was thankfully given last week off to focus on the retreat but now it's back to writing articles and finishing my third novel. :)

Happy feast of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus (traditional calendar) and of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (unofficially in the new calendar)!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

Mama Mary Highs and Earthly Mama Lows

So, I haven't written in a couple of days because of everything that's been going on. It's so much to get into but I will try to keep it as "in a nutshell" as I possibly can. As the title says, I've experienced Mama Mary highs and earthly mama lows.

If you're following me on twitter then you've seen that I have been crazy stressed. After having seven of the most unnecessary drama-filled days, I've come to appreciate everything even more. First, let's start with the bad. I just want to get that out of the way so I can focus on the good.

I feel like I'm going through Dad: the Sequel with mom. Thankfully it's not cancer but we've had a bit of a health scare in the last couple of days. Yesterday we received a call from her doctor that we needed to go to the hospital for some meds because my mom had high cholesterol and apparently her arteries were getting clogged. Well, I learned what the meds were, on my own, before we actually knew what they were for. They just told my mom that is was absolutely URGENT (yes, in caps to emphasize their exaggeration) to immediately go the hospital. And I think something about her heart being in trouble was mentioned but the details are now a little fuzzy since I went into panic mode when I saw my mother's face fall as she repeated the news she got. I quickly looked up her prescription online before we left (thank you, Kaiser, for the availability of patient records and prescriptions online) and saw it was for cholesterol and the opening of arteries due to cholesterol.

We went, got the meds, and came back home. She took the meds (and, I have to say, I have no idea why the meds were given; her cholesterol has been higher in the past) and she woke up sick. Then it got worse. It got so bad that she had to call me from work to contact her doctor. If you know my mother (or have seen my tweets about her) then you know it has to be serious for her to actually want to go to the hospital or contact the doctor. Like, "I'm dying" bad. Panic mode, round two. Dizziness, headache, achy muscles, pain in her hips, etc. Called the doctor, couldn't get a hold of her. And, actually, two calls later and we're still waiting. Needless to say, mom won't be taking the meds anymore (sorry, doc)... especially after her co-workers (she works at a convalescent hospital) checked her blood work results and told her that meds were completely unnecessary and a little too high for her. So, basically, all of this stress and chaos could've been avoided. Great. Thanks, y'all. ;)

After what I went through with my dad (seven years of cancer), I've become a bit of a worrywart when it comes to illnesses... especially when it comes to my mother. She's my only parent left (and my only family member who won't be moving away from the West Coast in the next couple of weeks) so... you know... I worry. Also, after seeing how badly the meds messed my dad up, I am wary of them in general. I try to take a holistic approach when sick. Also, even though I jokingly (yet not so jokingly) call mama a modern day Mrs. Bennet, I still love her and seeing her suffer makes me miserable. Of course, this is all drama but something wonderful has also happened.

On Monday, mama and I went to our confessor (yes, we have the same one) and we asked him to enroll us in the Brown Scapular. I've worn one before but was never enrolled and I'd been wanting to do it for a couple of years now. I could never find a priest to do it (or, really, had the guts to ask in the beginning of my reversion) but I finally bit the bullet and did it. And I'd like to thank all the attacks (spiritual and otherwise) I went through this past weekend because it really gave me the push to actually do it. It was done in Spanish (so my mother could understand) and it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. I've been doing the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary morning (first time when I wake up) and evening (I'll be doing it as soon as I finish this post)... and I feel so wonderfully serene despite everything that is going on. Knowing that I have my Heavenly Mother protecting me and looking out for me (and for my earthly mama) is wonderful. If you haven't done it yourself, look into it because I highly recommend it.

Anyway, this post is getting awfully long and I have books to read. Depressingly it's not for school (hi, academic nerd here) but they are for review so, you know, gotta try to finish 'em. :)

I hope you have all had a great week thus far... or, at least, better than mine. :D If you have any prayer requests, please let me know. I would be more than happy to offer up any unpleasantness or pray the Rosary for you. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Mother's Day Adventures, EPL Season is Done *sad sigh*, and Je Ne Comprends Pas!

It's a few minutes after midnight so... it's officially the day of the American Mother's Day. Happy mother's day to any and all mothers that might read this blog. :D And before anyone asks... I gave my mother a ring with an angel on it and I also signed her name (as well as the names of my 3 Godmothers) to a list of all the mother's being honored with a Mother's Day Novena at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. I don't think I'll ever be able to top that gift because mom said it was the best present I could've given her. Maybe the birth of her first grandchild will top that. Sorry, mom, but you'll have to wait quite a while for that since I have no intention of getting married anytime in the near future.

Mother's Day was hectic, but fun! I got my mom to go with me to Mass at my old parish. I loved it for many reasons... 1) I got one of my parents to attend Mass with me, 2) I love my old parish, and 3) it was awesome to see Fr. Leo and Fr. James again. In fact, when Fr. Leo was going around sprinkling Holy Water on everyone, he came to my section, saw me... did a double take and came back and sprinkled me with some more Holy Water. Yes, that's right... I got it twice! lol. After Mass, Fr. Leo jokingly said that he hoped he didn't drown with me all that Holy Water. lol. I think he wanted me to be twice as blessed, especially since he knows about my situation with my anxiety. Gotta love Fr. Leo! :D I also got to talk to Fr. James (had a confession with him) about how I'd said the Lord's name in vain and he said that since I didn't intentionally say it, and that I seemed genuinely sorry for having said it (I had tears when I confessed because that's how much I hate offending Him), that it wasn't a mortal sin... that it was probably a venial sin. He thinks I'm too hard on myself and that I'm very sensitive. I don't think I'm hard on myself but I agree that I am sensitive. It's funny, I'm sensitive about certain things but not every thing. :D Anyway, after Mass, and after Fr. James blessed my new rosary and scapular, we did a bunch of errands and were in the car for most of the afternoon. It really was too much traveling in the car. Oy! But, we got things done, which is important. :D

When we got home, I was about to watch the final Liverpool game of the season (it was aired as a delayed broadcast) against Tottenham. What a GAME! Dad and I were on the edge of our seats at the end. We kind of bagged on poor Voronin until he scored then we just said sorry. lol. I was super excited when Torres scored! 24 Premier League goals, 33 total in all competitions, in his first season in England! El Niño is on fire! While it's disappointing that we didn't win anything this season (and that we finished 4th in the League), I am excited about next season. Bummer that I'll have to wait until August, when I'll be moving. *le sigh* I will miss you, my beloved English Premier League (EPL). Well, at least I have the MLS and upcoming international games. :D Oh and how about a shou tout to the U.S. Women's National Team! They beat Canada's Women's team 6-0. Yes, you read that right... Six to Nil! You go girls! :D

Okay, now, I have a little dilemma... Je ne comprends pas le Français! I seriously need to better my French if I ever want to read "Pythagore, je t'adore" by Patrick Cauvin. Not just that, I need to learn it soon or else I am not going to understand NADA when I go to France! I understand quite a bit of French, and I definitely have the ability to say the basic words I can actually speak with the proper accent/pronunciation, but I am NOWHERE near where I'd like to be. Does anyone know of a good program that will be helpful? Don't even bother recommending Rosetta Stone, I heard it's overpriced (well, I know this for a fact) and that it's not as good as people think. Any suggestions, please feel free to leave me a comment! I'll have to investigate where I can learn French without it being too painful (or time consuming).

Alright, well, it's nearly 1 a.m. and I have another long, busy day... that starts in a few hours. *groan* So tired! Sorry for babbling on. I seem to be doing quite a bit of that lately, don't I? Sorry! :D As usual, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Mother's Day, Confessions, Saying the Lord's Name in Vain, and My Poor L.A. Galaxy.

Today (May 10) is Mother's Day for all the Mexican and Latin American mothers so... Feliz dia de las Madres to my mom, my big sister, all mamas in my family (including aunts and cousins), my baptism Godmother, my confirmation Godmother and all the other mamas out there. I will give my communion Godmother a shout-out tomorrow 'cause she's American and we celebrate tomorrow. :D

Man, today was a WEIRD day. I was dizzy and lightheaded most of the day. Basically, I was feeling gross until I went to confessions. I was so proud of myself because Fr. Hoang had given me props for what I did in Mass last Sunday (left while I had anxiety but came back to receive communion) and I felt so awesome after I prayed in front of the tabernacle. I was so commitment to what I was praying to God that I left crying... but happy tears. :D After we left that parish, we went to another one (we were in look of a particular prayer card) and dad bought me a scapular and an emerald bead rosary. I've wanted a rosary in this particular color (since the color for my birth month, May, is emerald) for a long time now and I finally got it. I'm definitely counting it as an early birthday present. I was so psyched that I remembered the big things I needed to confess and then it happened... I said "Oh my God!" Yup... I said the Lord's name in vain. *hits face with palm of hand*

This is one really BAD habit that I've picked up over the years. I've been working really hard to break the habit. It's bad! bad! bad! If there is one thing that will always land me back in confession, it's saying the Lord's name in vain. And, to top it off, I don't do it intentionally. I've heard it so many times everywhere (it might be a Southern California thing), and my mom says it a lot (but she says it isn't taking His name in vain), so it's stuck. I've been really good at trying not to say it -- even unintentionally. See, I can usually catch myself and will immediately change it to "Oh my gosh" or "Oh my..." but sometimes it just slips and I don't even realize it until it's too late. I was good about it last week... made it until Thursday when I got a letter that made me temporarily freak out (in a good way). Tonight, it happened when I was getting food. I accidentally spilled and went "Oh my Go..d" I realized as I was finishing the "d" what I'd just said. UGH! And then I got upset over saying that that I went to my room going "I'm stupid! Stupid! Stupid! *sighs* God!" Again, that was so not intentionally! I would NEVER intentionally say it. I would've totally kicked myself if I could. I HATE doing that! I really have to watch what I say because I know it's a mortal sin to say His name in vain. Trust me, if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's a) offending Him and b) having a sin (no matter how small) hanging over my head until the next time confessions roll around. Okay, maybe those are two things but you get what I mean, Though I know I didn't intentionally plan to say His name in vain, I know it's bad. :( *sigh* I'm so angry at myself for letting His name slip. I really am dumb. Ugh! I will try to see if I can make a confession before Mass so I can receive communion. I hate not being able to receive it. :(

I think I was still mad over the whole L.A. Galaxy v New York Red Bulls game. What a GRRR game. lol. To be fair, Galaxy had a better first half than second half but man, oh, man... that darn ref just made me list! He gave yellow cards to Galaxy players over the smallest things (and even gave Becks one that was COMPLETELY random and uncalled for) and when NY would commit fouls and other yellow card worthy things, NADA. Grrr. What's his name... I'm going to check... *2 minutes later* "referee: Alex Prus". Mr Prus, you just made my list... and you don't want to be on my list. lol. If any of you lovely readers know who Rob Styles is... he's WORSE than Rob Styles. Even the commentators were saying how Alex Prus was giving New York chances and that he was being unfair to the Galaxy. Ugh. Mr. Prus, you disgust me! Go back to referee school or something. Okay, rant over. lol. I REALLY wanted to go to tonight's game because they had Brit Week at the Home Depot Center (Galaxy stadium). Oh man, I would've loved to have gone but a) I felt really weak all day and b) I have things to do at home. Blah. Hopefully I'll be able to go do a Galaxy game this season, before I pack my things and move to my new school. I really, really, really want an Alan Gordon jersey (I LOVE him) so I'm hoping to get one if I ever make it to the Home Depot Center. Hmm, maybe I can cash in a trip to a Galaxy game as part of celebrations. Hmmm... I better start plotting. lol.

Okay, well, I think that's all I can say for today. I have a BUSY day tomorrow followed by a ridiculously busy week (I won't get rest until next Sunday) so I should rest as much as humanly possible. If y'all don't get a long blog from me in a week, you'll know why. I'll also be traveling all day on Tuesday (possibly over 12 hours) so if y'all don't even get a post that day, that is why. Just letting y'all know because some of my friends (who read this as a way of keep tabs on me) tend to worry when I am M.I.A. :D I love you guys! :D

Alright, well, as always... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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