Mental and Emotional Purity

Many people (who have excellent taste in films and shows) have been raving about The Crown on Netflix so, naturally, I wanted to watch it. I have Netflix for a couple more days (I got it for a month) and have been attempting to add it to my queue but it never showed up. I wondered why I kept adding it without success. I thought it was a glitch on Netflix's end until I tried to watch it on my laptop as opposed to my TV (which is hooked to Roku and allows me to watch Netflix, Feeln, EWTN, etc). So, what was the reason? The Crown is rated TV-MA. TV-MA and rated R films are purposely blocked because I simply do not feel comfortable watching sex scenes and nakedness. A couple people on my Twitter feed said "oh, it's just the actor's naked backside for a scene or two" like it wasn't a big deal. I'm sure it isn't to them but it is to me.

I've already written about how I'm proud to be a "prude" (5 years ago) and even expanded on why I choose to forgo watching films, t.v. shows, and reading books that have sex scenes in a post earlier this year. For the tl;dr crowd: I have an active and vivid imagination that does not to have those images replaying in my mind, which I'll later have to go to confession for. I'm also terribly uncomfortable with it. Yes, sex is a beautiful and natural part of married life but I'm not comfortable with those images, either visually or mentally. Even though they are characters and actors paid to do their jobs, it feels like an invasion of privacy on an intimate moment meant for two people. I've gotten comments about how "ridiculous" I am for "being this way" but I don't care. If I'm not comfortable with something, I'm going to avoid it. I know myself better than anyone else does and I know where my weaknesses are. There's a reason why I threw away my Meg Cabot books earlier this year and why I'm going to end this year with another music purge like I did 3 years ago.

Let's go beyond sex scenes. We women tend to be emotional creatures by nature. Hallmark movies and chick lit give us unrealistic expectations about love and romance. They make us feel all warm and fuzzy. When you're a single woman, it's so easy to fall into the temptation to think "wow, I wish I could have that..." Yes, I can now watch Hallmark movies and not think that life is going to be like that because, well, it's not. It's easier now but, oh, it wasn't always easy for me to separate between the two.

If you can watch these things and are not as sensitive to them as I am, power to you. I'm not here to shame anyone who can watch or read these things and not have them affect them. I, unfortunately, cannot claim the same so I do what I have to do to keep some mental and emotional purity. I know, I know. Some of you have an issue with the phrase "emotional purity" but I'm going to use it for one good reason: I struggled with it earlier this year.

During the summer, when I had an anemic spiritual life, there was a young man who (still is) lovely but was all wrong for me for several reasons. (side note: I should also remind everyone that I was emotionally fragile during this time so it wasn't the ideal time for this to happen though, looking back at it, I'm glad it did.) I was on an emotional high for quite some time, which hasn't been normal for me as an adult but it's something I was not unfamiliar with as a teenager while away from the Church. I felt things a lot more intensely then (think Marianne Dashwood as opposed to the Elinor Dashwood my friends are more use to these days) than I do now because I've learned to practice a lot of self-control and I've learned to not get carried away with my feelings or my imagination. I momentarily forgot that for a couple of weeks and it was unhealthy for me. I actually felt like a teenager and not the 31-year-old young woman that I am. All those ideas I got from books I read and movies I watched years ago came flooding back into my mind. "Wouldn't it be lovely if this happened...?" "Wouldn't it be romantic if...?" Does anyone see where I'm going with this and why I chose, years ago, to avoid things that could later be brought up in my mind when I'm having a moment of weakness? No, my thoughts didn't necessarily go there but they could've easily gone there if I hadn't exercised some degree of control (the little that I had at the time) over my imagination.

Yes, it's really dumb and I'm not proud of it but the evil one knows where my weaknesses lie. My emotions and my heart (hopeless romantic, party of one) are two of my biggest downfalls when I let my guard down. This young man, as lovely as he is, was a massive temptation to my emotional health. What I felt for him was so strong (or so it seemed; emotions can trip you up) that my imagination went into overdrive with romantic ideals. It's an INFP downfall; we're too idealistic and too prone to live in a fantasy world if we're not careful... and I wasn't for a while. Everything I worked hard to control over the years flew out the window. It didn't last too long, thank goodness.

I confided in those I feel closest to and I'm sure their prayers were what helped me get out of this ridiculous state of mind. I made the decision to nip it in the bud, as hard as it was. It took a couple of weeks but I was able to get out of that state of mind and back to normal. This happened months ago (during the summer) but I struggled with these thoughts again late last month through earlier this month when they resurfaced during the 54-day Rosary Novena I'm doing. However, this time I understood that it was because of the nature of one of my intentions for the novena so it was easier (time-wise) to overcome it.

So, you see, this is why I continue to be cautious and keep myself from watching things that can end up kicking my tush in the future. Yes, I'm uncomfortable watching sex scenes and naked people because it's how I was raised but I also know that it can be a weakness for me. I have a feeling there are more people like me out there but who are embarrassed to admit this (which was not easy for me to do). It is what it is. Know yourselves. Keep in mind your strengths and weaknesses. Don't ever be too comfortable with your own perceived power/abilities because temptation can be a lot stronger than you think. Evil doesn't take a day off. It will catch you off-guard. Prayer, remembering that you need God during these moments of weakness, and lots of moral support from people you trust are key during these times.

Alright, I think that's enough gut spillage for now. I'm going to go hide or something. lol. ;)

I hope y'all had a lovely work week and that you have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Bella, A Little Romance, and Aaron Shust.

I just got done watching the movie Bella. My goodness! I absolutely loved it! It was a lot different than what I expected but loved it nonetheless. It was so real. There were no overbearing clichés... the film was absolutely perfect! The acting was superb, the story itself is a little jewel; I am completely in love with this film. It definitely has a pro-life message but they didn't do it in a manner that would've overwhelmed the mainstream audience. I believe the male lead, Jose, had a Rosary in his hands in one very emotional scene. Bonus points for that! I understand why people were recommending it... and why Fr. Stan was raving about it a few months ago. I won't go into detail for those who haven't seen the film, so just take my word for it... it's a must see movie! It was the perfect way to end movie night. :D

Speaking of movie night, I got a head start on it by watching a little 1979 film called A Little Romance. I believe it was Diane Lane's film debut, too. Anyway, I also loved that film. I had my doubts, especially since I don't know anyone else who had seen it, but I immediately fell in love with it. What is up with the films I've been watching lately? They all make me want to own the DVDs instead of getting them from Netflix! lol. Anyway, the film was a little cheesy but I loved it anyway. Some parts of the story could only happen in a film but it was still great. The idea of two 13 year-olds running away to a foreign country to sort of cement their love before they are separated makes the hopeless romantic in me swoon and the romance realist say "Well, that's just silly of them to do that!" What can I say? I am pretty much always torn between the logical and the fanciful.

One thing that's been inspiring me lately is Aaron Shust's music. If you haven't heard of him, I seriously recommend visiting his website here or his myspace here... or if you have iTunes, go search him! I kept hearing his music in different places and I really liked it so, hey, why not check him out? Actually, his last album has been the current soundtrack to the novel writing process. His song, "Give Me Words to Speak", is the one that started me on his music... and it's been on loop on my iTunes pretty much since I bought it. lol. Here is the song, performed live, that I found on youtube.



I chose the live version so you can see that he's the real deal and isn't one of those manufactured musicians. Oh yeah, and as I wrote The Story (as I am calling it), I had it on repeat. Oh yeah. It definitely helps me get back into that state of mind. :D

Alright, well, I'm overflowing with ideas for my novel so I should write them before I forget. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Another Unpleasant Dream, Boredom, and Quizzes Galore.

Yup, I had ANOTHER dream where I was fighting against evil. It was weird, the dream was intense (not as intense as yesterday's) but I did my fair share of defending myself against this evil. I think I called on Our Blessed Mother to help me out this time but I don't really remember. I am beginning to understand my dreams and why I have particular ones. It's weird... but in a good way. :D Now, if I could just have a dream about like winning the lottery so I can pay off my EXPENSIVE tuition, that would rock. Even if it's only a dream, I'll take it! lol.

So, not much went on today. It was an overall boring day. Well... except when we couldn't find the Emma DVD I had to return to Netflix. That was FUNNY! We searched everywhere except under this one notebook I have with me... and that's EXACTLY where it was. Haha. Oh man, that was hilarious. But, then again, I'm easily amused. :D Mom decided to take a little break and explore the city. New York City, that is. :D So, we spent the evening getting ourselves lost On the Town with one of my favorite men. Oh, I should say one of OUR favorite men (mom, and I believe sis as well, give him the thumbs up as well.) I believe mom wants to go to Paris next, and then make a detour to Scotland to see if I can find the fabled Brigadoon before ending up back in Hollywood. Anchors Aweigh, my boys. ;) We'll have to figure out when we'll have time to do that. I'm hoping this weekend. I desperately need these little wonder-trips to help me unwind and get back my silliness. :D I know sis will be the only one that understand what I'm talking about. HAHA. Sorry but this is the way it has to be. :D

Alright, well, I am tuckered out -- though it was a boring day, it was a LONG boring day. I will hopefully have a better post tomorrow -- if I even have time to write. BUSY day tomorrow. :D So, before I end this blog, a few quizzes I've taken in my time of boredom.

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

You Are Classical Music

You are a somewhat serious person who enjoys studying subjects deeply. Art of all kinds interests you, and a good piece of art can really effect you emotionally. You are inspired by human achievement, and you appreciate work that takes years to accomplish. For you, the finer things in life are not about snobbery - they're about quality.

What Kind of Music Are You?

Your Personality at 35,000 Says...

Deep down, you prefer spending time alone to spending time with others. You enjoy thinking more than talking. You are good with your place in the world. You are confident and comfortable with who you are. Your gift is relating to other people. You don't hide from your own emotions, and you are good at drawing other people out. You are inspired by what is possible. Real life is often too ordinary for you. It's very easy for you to feel happy. You can find peace with any situation.

The Personality Test at 35,000 Feet

OH and Liverpool play against Chelsea in like 12 hours (11:30 a.m. PST, 2:30 p.m. EST) so please keep your fingers crossed that Liverpool go onto the Champions League finals. Sad that Barcelona were kicked out by Manchester United *gag* but hey, an all English final will be awesome. :D

As usual, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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The Daily Breakfast; Hours at Clinic = Sheer Boredom.

I actually woke up late to go to the first clinic so, meh, will have to go tomorrow. Totally not my fault -- my alarm just didn't go off and without it, I sleep through almost anything. lol. Since I woke up late and didn't have my doctor's appointment at the other clinic (both are for different things) until 2 p.m., I got online and watched Fr. Roderick do a live recording of The Daily Breakfast on uStream. It was a lot of fun to watch, and participate, in the pre-recording of it. We get a chance to interact with other fans, and with Fr. Roderick, by using the chatroom. I got a kick when he mentioned a few things I typed into the chatroom. Oh, the technology! A few years ago that wouldn't have been possible but with technology now, almost anything is possible. :D Anyhoo, if you haven't checked out one of this podcasts, I would definitely recommend it. I'm subscribed to a few on iTunes so I never miss an episode (which are made on an almost daily basis). You can check out all different types of Catholic related podcasts he and others make at SQPN.

Moving from something awesome to something that's pretty awesome but freaking boring... I did make it to my second doctor's appointment but I was there from 1:50 p.m. and I didn't get home until a few minutes 'til 7 p.m. *hits forehead with palm* It was sooooo boring towards the end. It was awesome for the first hour because the doctor deemed me (besides the cold... yes, it's a cold like I suspected) completely healthy. I'm even back at my normal weight from before I got sick so... whoo. Haha. I do feel dizzy and all but she says it's still because of the stress and anxiety I had last year. Meh! That is why I'm going to the other clinic tomorrow -- because they specialize in stress and anxiety issues. Hopefully I won't have to wait hours like I did at today's clinic. Anyway, waiting in line just to get medication was a pain in my tush! It's worth it but, oy! At least I did manage to make some people laugh in line. :D Oh yes, I was back to my old dorky self and I made quite a few people laugh. Apparently I'm witty. *shrugs* I made two little kids giggle too, which always makes my day. Little kids laughing has to be one of the sweetest things you'll ever experience. :D Oh, and something that I managed to do... I found out who was Catholic simply by saying I was going to get home and ask St. Anthony to help me find a paper I need. The few people who laughed totally got what I meant (St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things). Whoo! lol.

Another bummer thing... I KNEW I was going to miss the postman who was bringing me a book I ordered on Catholicism. I KNEW IT! I told my dad early in the morning, "With my luck, I'll have to go to the post office tomorrow to pick it up because I won't be home to receive it." And that is exactly what happened. I did get a Netflix movie (6 HOURS and 4 minutes -- yikes!) on the life and work of St. Teresa of Avila but no book. Hmph. Well, at least I got something. Still, I love getting mail so having to wait longer... not so good. lol.

I have a lot more to write -- including big plans/news I'm going to unleash into the world this weekend -- but it'll all have to wait until I am feeling better. I feel fine... just sooo sleepy (I've only slept a few hours in the past 48 hours), my eyelids are about to close. So, I'm going to snuggle up with my pillow and blanket and hope to have one of those awesome saint dreams. For now... thanks for reading and God Bless.

Clean-a-thon: Part Deux, Music, Evening Mass and "Bella".

I seem to have passed on the clean-a-thon bug to a few people now... including my parents. Haha, I'm sorry!! I didn't know the whole concept of having "Spring Cleaning" in January would catch on! lol. I don't feel guilty about it either. Oh no. I've been on my parents case about throwing some things out and it took them years to do it but they finally did and I couldn't be happier. :D If you don't like cleaning and have caught the bug, I'm sorry (and I say that with my Canadian accent, too). On the bright side of all this, at least now people will have cleaner and more clutter-free homes. get rid of the material things you don't need, man (and woman). :D

For those who personally know me, it is absolutely no shock when I say I love music. In fact, saying it like that is an understatement. For as long as I can remember, my house has been filled with music. My mom listened to Elvis, The Beatles, Chuck Berry, The Beach Boys, and a lot of oldies. My dad's more into traditional music. My eldest brother introduced me to The Doors, Queen, and classic rock. I discovered classical music, the Spanish guitar and jazz on my own. Needless to say, I love all most genres because I've grown up listening to them. I grew up playing (or attempting to play) different instruments. I've been singing since I was little. I've been dancing for as long as I've been able to sit up on my own. I was taught by the best and a learn some things on my own. Despite of all of that, it has been taking a back seat to everything else lately. For the first time in months I sang... and I mean really sang. I hit notes I thought I no longer could. It was almost as though I'd never stopped... and I absolutely loved that feeling. Singing at the top of my lungs, listening to the music blaring... I definitely missed it. I haven't played my guitar since I started growing out my nails but I know if I pick it up again, it'll still feel like it's an extension of who I am. I hope I never go through an extended period where it has to, once again, take a back seat to anything. I hope that everyone has something like this in their life -- something that brings them pure utter joy no matter how low they may be feeling. Thanks to music, and my being able to sing once again, I feel like my old self... the person I was before I got sick... and before my father got sick as well. *happy sigh*

Another good experience I had today... going to evening mass. What made it awesome was the fact that the young Polish priest at my parish gave the mass in Spanish. I'd never heard him speak Spanish (although dad had) and was surprised how well he spoke it. Very fluent. I don't why I got a kick out of it but I did. What was funny was that during the mass I was thinking to myself "Maybe I'm supposed to be a nun" and then he started talking about praying for those who are in the church -- priests and nuns included. Then I though to myself "But I really want to have a family some day. Maybe I'll just stick to writing and try to leave my mark that way" when I heard him say that we should pray to those who weren't entering vocations within the church but wanted to promote it. I thought to myself "He's reading my mind!" lol. It was the funniest thing. He mentioned praying for the immigrants that are having a hard time, which is something I am involving myself in; not just prayers for them but writing about the flip side of that -- having to watch family and friends being discriminated against, even if they are legally here, by immigration officials.

Another thing he mentioned was the movie "Bella" which I still haven't seen (and won't until they DVD comes out because they're not playing it anywhere nearby anymore). Anyway, he was telling everyone that we should go see it because of the great pro-life message the film gives. I have heard it's a beautiful film so I hope I get it from Netflix when it comes out. I'm actually really excited to see the movie. Here's the trailer for those who haven't seen it yet:



And apparently the trailer doesn't do it justice. A lot of good has come out of this movie... including the main actor, Eduardo Verastegui, inspiring a couple not to through with a planned abortion... and then naming their child after him. You can read more about that story here.

I should probably call it a day on the blog because I am starting to get that sore throat that's been bugging me for a few days now. If it's a cold, it's taking a while to hit. I am still hoping it's allergies. *crosses fingers*

For now... thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Colds, Pope JPII: The Movie, and a Saint Dream.

There hasn't been a blog in a few days because I've been feeling really icky lately. I think I'm getting a cold... probably caught it from my mom when she had it last week. Bah! To be fair, I haven't had an actual cold in over 2 years (last one was in November 2005) but still, I don't want one! lol. I really hope my sore throat and fever-y feeling (I don't have a fever; I just feel warm) are allergy related and not a cold... or worse, the flu. *shudders* That is seriously the last thing I need right now. Please let it be allergies, or a mild cold... please it it be allergies... or a mild cold. lol. *crosses fingers and hopes for the best* I hope my health is in better shape than Liverpool's recent form. That game today was not worth my getting up at 6 in the morning to watch. Ugh. But, moving on...

I watched the "Pope John Paul II: the Movie" DVD a few nights ago... and it was awesome! It was definitely a movie that made me think about a lot of things I normally wouldn't, which is always great. It did make my mom and I cry (moreso me than her) because it's difficult to watch something that was based on JP2's real life and see everything he went through and suffered. Watching his friends being killed by Nazi invaders, seeing him get hurt and shot (even though they were re-enactments) was very difficult to watch. Despite it being emotionally charged, it's such a great movie. We gave it thumbs up all around. I've gained so much more respect for him than I had before (and it was a lot prior to the movie). I think I'm going to put it on my wish list for the next time I buy some DVDs. I also got a movie about the Nutcracker ballet (which has been on my list for months) so I'm going to try to watch it by Monday morning so I can send them both back to Netflix and get myself more movies.

Two nights ago I had a very cool dream about saints. I was standing up on a cathedral's dome looking down at saints walking around in a garden. And, yes, they were actually alive in my dream. The cathedral was big and white and so were the stairs one had to take to get up to where I was standing. As I was looking down, I noticed St. Dymphna and St. Jude walking around. I don't remember if I called their names or if they just looked up but they looked at me and I knew they were going to come up to talk to me. So, I went inside and waited for them and then I saw other saints walking in from different hallways and staircases. It was almost like a parade, there were so many. I remember St. Theresa of Avila was there but I don't remember talking to her or just knowing she was there. In fact, I don't remember talking to any of the saints. I know they acknowledged me and made it clear that they knew I was there. Since it's been a couple of days, details are starting to get fuzzy. Either way, it was such a lovely dream. This is the first time I've had a dream where I interacted with them. It's always been me seeing them as apparitions or in statues but never as living people. It was amazing! I won't even try to decipher what they mean... I'm just very happy to have had it. :D

Alright, I'm not feeling too hot... or I should say I'm feeling pretty warm and not too well, so I'm going to try to go lie down or eat something before I go to bed. I'll go watch "the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" in the meantime. :D

Thanks for reading and God Bless.

Books, Ignoring Joy Behar and Sketching Our Lady.

Someone take my credit card away, fast! lol. I have become addicted (okay, not completely but getting there) to browsing for books and buying them if they are something I want. Okay, fine, I've only bought 2 but still... I have a feeling I will buy more if given the chance. Ack! I have been on amazon.com and abebooks.com quite a bit lately but it's mostly because I am selling my old textbooks that I no longer need. While I'm there, I look for books I want. I have exercised some serious self-control but, being a bibliophile, it's really hard for me not to get any more... especially when I'm going to have another 8-9 months off from school! Ack! lol. Thankfully, all books have been worth it (one was the autobiography of St. Theresa of Avila, the other was on Catholicism as a whole) so it's not like I am spending on mindless dribble. Still... someone needs to come over and pry the card out of my little hands. lol. I've also been looking at getting a Claddagh ring but that's a whole different story. lol.

So, I saw on the Global Roman Catholic facebook group (link is on the right side for those who wish to join in) a link to this quote that Joy Behar said on The View. This woman, who was raised Roman Catholic, said "Saints were psychotic and advances in modern medicine have essentially wiped them off the planet." Though it was meant to be a "joke" (oh yeah, I'm laughing here... not!), it was still uncalled for. This isn't the first time she's said something offensive about the church either. I understand the freedom of speech and all but is it really necessary to attack the Catholic church? I don't think so. All she did was tick people off. Whatever. I'm just going to ignore everything she says because she obviously doesn't know jack. It's people like her, saying comments like these, which made me become more moderate-conservative than I was (I used to consider myself a bit more liberal). I could get into this whole debate about this topic but I'm just going to ignore it and her from now on. Not worth my time anymore.

I woke up feeling very groggy and dizzy again today -- for no reason -- so I prayed the Rosary and asked St. Jude to give me a sign as to what I should do to at least get my mind off of how I was feeling (which was horrible!). At first I decided to clean the St. Jude statues we have, the one of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and a Crucifix. That was done pretty quickly so I decided to take out my sketching pad and I just started sketching Our Lady of Guadalupe. I sat at the edge of my bed, while I was watching re-runs of Degrassi TNG on The N, and I would look at two of the pictures of her in my room. It took me about an hour (I wanted to it get done as well as I could) but I finally got it done -- down to the littlest details. The one thing I am not very good at is sketching people, so I was surprised that it wasn't completely terrible. I still have a few more things to add (I'm trying to sketch something personal) but I'll, hopefully, upload and share it on this blog as soon as I'm done. I do my best work with actual paint so maybe I'll try it again another time. Still, the time it took me to draw her and also clean really helped me feel better so it was actually all good. Hopefully I will be able to continue it tomorrow, especially if I feel as bad as I did today. :D

Alright, well, I want to go see the "Pope John Paul II" DVD I got from Netflix a week ago. I should probably send it back soon as I can get through my extremely long list of films I want to watch. So, for now, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D