When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Yes, I know; it's been over a month since my last blog post.

Life has been... an adventure.

There have been multiple doctor appointments and still more to come.

There have been trips to hospitals, including an ambulance ride to the emergency room when I had chest pains that were so bad that they made my entire left side go numb; the EMTs wanted to make sure I wasn't having any heart-related issues. They turned out to be muscle spasms that I've still felt as recently as yesterday.

There have been plans to move forward in a couple of areas in my life... all while dealing with health issues.

Ah, yes... the ever-present health issues. While my platelets were within the normal range for the first time in over a decade for two (yes, two) blood draws, the anemia has gotten a bit worse.

I've also been waking up and going "blind" for a couple of minutes in the morning. It usually takes me to the end of the second or (more frequently) third Rosary mystery before I can see enough to keep going on with my day. I have an ophthalmology appointment on the 15th -- the feast of the Assumption -- to hopefully begin figuring out what's been going on these last couple of months.

And, to top it off, I'm either allergic to a big staple in my diet or it just ups my histamine levels which made me perpetually congested and teary-eyed until I stopped eating it a week ago. Why, potatoes? Why?! So, now I'm down to only two things that I can eat: chicken and corn tortillas. Can we say "malnutrition deficiencies"? Since I have major food allergy PTSD (it's no fun to feel your throat get swollen or like you can't breathe right after you've eaten something that has never made you sick before), it's going to take a lot of courage to try new foods while dealing with the fears I have of potentially having a severe allergic reaction. It thankfully hasn't happened yet -- my reactions have been mild to perhaps slightly moderate-ish so far  -- my doctors are having me carry an EpiPen wherever I go. Fun, right?

Are we seeing the adventure part, yet? Yes, it's been a wild ride.

Throughout all of this, I'm ashamed to admit that I fluctuate between trusting God and forgetting He's even here. This is straight-up, real talk.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own fears that I forget Who ultimately has control of the situation. While I was amazingly calm during the chest pain/spams ordeal -- to the point where the doctors ruled out anxiety as a cause for the chest pains; I was praying the Rosary while going through the spasm pains -- I've had moments of pure panic where God isn't even in the back of my mind. And it's not like I even distrust that God has my back; I just forget because I'm so wrapped up in myself. It's absolutely horrible.

Lately, I've been wondering if I've gone through all of this as a sort of test. Not that God is testing my love for Him. It's more like God is allowing these trials to help me try to keep Him on my mind more often; to help me realize what areas of my life I need to work on to better my relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. Just looking back at how many times I didn't even think about Him versus how many times I remembered that God was in control has been an eye-opener. I have a lot to work on but I'm prepared to do that work.

All of this has always made me even more acutely aware of how much I am missing the Sacraments. How many times have I gone to Mass in the past 9 weeks? Once... at the retreat... because the chapel was literally downstairs and I could take the elevator down from where my room was and walk, even while dizzy and lightheaded and feeling faint, to it. Now that I'm back home and my health has slowly regressed and I have no one who can potentially drive me to Mass and feel comfortable enough help steady me if I feel a little lightheaded when standing up? No Mass for Emmy. Sometimes I'm too weak to even get out of bed, let alone walk downstairs or even drive to the nearest parish.

And, of course, that also means it's been that long since I've been to confession as well. I've had two mini spiritual direction meetings since but I haven't had a proper confession in weeks. My heart longs for it. I don't like being away from the Sacraments. I don't like missing Mass. I intensely dislike not having been to confession since shortly after my birthday in late May. The longer these things go on, the more distant and muddled my relationship with God feels.

I, thankfully, have moments of consolation where I feel God's presence, His mercy and love, in my life but those are infrequent and never last long enough. It's like I've taken up residence in the middle of the desert... in the middle of summer... during the worst heatwave ever recorded in the area. It's just plumb awful. Of course, just because I don't feel His presence doesn't mean He's not there. His existence isn't based on my dull human feelings. Intellectually, I know that... but it's still hard and it makes the struggle through the spiritual dryness even harder to get through.

I know that we all go through these rough periods in our lives and especially in our spiritual life. I know that great saints have gone through years or even decades (St. Teresa of Calcutta, anyone?) where they receive no consolation during their "dark nights of the soul." Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that closeness with God ever again... but, regardless, I still keep going. I mean, I feel like a fraud most of the time (again, this is real talk, y'all) because I haven't been able to attend Mass or confession but I'm still trying to do the little bits I can do.

I'm still praying the Benedictine Office throughout the day. I still have my list of daily prayers I pray, including the (much needed) Litany of Humility. I still pray the Rosary daily. I still pray for those who ask for prayers; for those whom I love and care for. I still try to do the right thing even though, the longer I go without the Sacraments, the harder it is to not fall into temptation and occasionally slip up. Still, that somehow doesn't seem like enough to me.

So, that's where I am. I hope my health improves in the near future because I miss attending Mass, receiving the Eucharist, and giving my soul a nice scrubbing in the confessional. Heck, I just want to have enough physical stamina to do basic things like getting out of bed and making myself something to eat without help some days.

I may be crazy to do it but... there's going to be a big change happening in the near future for me. This big change has been a long time coming. It's going to make me face some of my biggest fears and it's going to take me away from everything I've ever known. I think you can sort of guess what I'll be doing with those clues. Again, I may be crazy for embarking on this journey in the middle of my health issues, but perhaps this is something I need to do to improve my health. I'm being vague about it now but I hope to be able to share some details after it's all said and done. Just, please, keep me in your prayers because the whole situation is going to be high-stress and I'm honestly a little worried about how that will affect my health in the process.

... did I forget to mention that life has been an adventure lately? I didn't even mention finishing novel three in the middle of all that craziness! lol. Yes, I'll blog about that soon, as well.

Anyway, this is all part of why I've been MIA lately. I know I've been slightly more active on Twitter but that's been due to the prayer requests when I feel like, "Okay, I need prayer warriors to help me out with this one." I hope to get back to writing more, especially now that novel three is done and I'm slowly getting through all the doctor's appointments (and the follow-ups to the follow-ups). I have 3-4 more appointments scheduled (for now) in the next month, two this week.

Breathe in... hold for 1... 2... 3... 4... and breathe out...  Repeat.

I hope summer has been kinder to y'all so far. Can autumn hurry up and get here already? Summertime and I clearly don't get along. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

More Hospital Visits (Update)

Wow, what a week it's been since the last update. I've been in the hospital three days for different reasons. If you're not following me on Twitter, you've missed a flurry of updates. Basically, on Mama Mary's birthday I went to the local ER (read: not the one where I'm a regular patient) for palpitations that lasted over an hour. Last time I had them that bad was when I had an infection and my body was fighting it off. They didn't do any tests except the EKG and dismissed it as anxiety when the EKG came back normal.

Fast forward to 4 days later (on Monday). I drove to the hospital feeling very dizzy and fatigued, assuming it was due to a lack of sleep. Still, I didn't want to miss having a heart holster fitted (for the palpitations) so I went in. The cardiology nurse who fitted the holster suggested I go to the ER because I didn't look great and was really dizzy. She also said I shouldn't be driving dizzy. That's true. I did take a lot of side streets and have someone in the car with me so it wasn't like I was being completely dumb. I wanted to wave it off but something made me listen to her. I didn't go to the ER but went to urgent care because I didn't think it was bad enough for the ER. Several tests later we found out my kidneys weren't working properly. Hello two big bags of IV fluids. The doctor said I had UTI and she thoughts my kidneys weren't working due to dehydration. After the stomach bug that lasted an entire week and then spending another week fatigued, I was and wasn't surprised about the dehydration. I'm usually good about my water intake especially when I'm sick but apparently I was also not replacing the sodium lost. Antibiotics given. I least I left the hospital with good news: red and white blood count as well as platelets were better than they were in late June. Still, I have pancytopenia (which means all three are lower than normal) so I have to take the folic acid pills along with vitamin C and iron to see if it's the abysmal folate level and the anemia (which I had for several months) that caused the pancytopenia.

Early this morning I received a call from one of the doctors that I "basically" didn't have a UTI after all; that I didn't have to take the antibiotics. Good thing I hadn't started them yet -- just got them filled and was about to start them literally minutes before the doctor called. My kidneys are "under the weather" but it might be because of the dehydration. I was supposed to return to the hospital today to get more tests done but was advised to hold it off until tomorrow to see the progress my kidneys. If there isn't an improvement, they'll do an ultrasound to see what's going on. At the moment they're not too worried, especially since I've been feeling better.

It's been a trip. Literally and figuratively. The hospital is a bit of a drive for me (especially since I refuse to drive on the freeways) so I'm glad I don't have any more trips to make in the foreseeable future. I went in yesterday to get the holster taken off but I wasn't there for more than maybe half an hour.

I would be lying if I said I haven't felt sad and frustrated over all of this. I've spent the past two days in tears. Before anyone tells me to trust God... yes, I know. I do but that doesn't mean that my very human emotions can be turned off easily. I do have my moments of feeling like I'm defeated but they don't last too long. Those tears are usually because I see my mother suffering (and it was her birthday yesterday) or because other people say rude remarks or make me feel bad. Sensitive gal over here, remember? Yes, I'm frustrated that it's happened at the busiest time for me. Yes, I'm sad that I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to my health. Yes, I do trust God and I sometimes think I deserve some of what I'm going through. Yes, I remember that Jesus suffered more than I ever will. Still, I feel deeply and tears do happen.

I've also missed a lot of study time. A lot. I've gotten no hours of studying for exams done since the semester began... two weeks ago. Yep. I've gotten my coursework done in time (although I've received some, well, not so kind remarks from classmates for not turning in my portion of what's due in a couple of days; yes, not due for a couple of days and already breathing down my neck over it) but zero for studying on the first exams... which are next week. I hope I still remember some of it from last time I took these courses because I won't get enough time to study like I would've liked.

And that's my update for now. I want to get the group collaboration questions for my very... special snowflake... classmates submitted so they'll give me a break and stop making me feel lousy for being sick and not having had the time to submit anything. Oh, I cried many a tears last night over their very public (read: on the course message board for all to see) comments about what a terrible and irresponsible classmate I am. Lesson for all: never assume things about someone because they may be going through something. Also, never expect anyone to go by your own deadlines... especially if you want to finish way before an assignment is due. Not expecting any apologies, to be honest, and that's okay.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me. I ask that you please continue to keep me in your prayers until we get another update on how my kidneys are doing. I hope they're on the mend and that they were not doing well (medical term is acute kidney injury... don't Google it like I did unless you want to worry like I did, lol) because of the dehydration.

Anyway... I'm going to get some coursework done. No rest until bedtime for this gal. Applying war paint now...

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

So, Last Night's Emergency Room Trip...

I took this picture after I left the Emergency Room last night.

As some of you know from Twitter or FB, yesterday I was taken to the E.R. quite ill. I tried to hold out as long as I could as the county hospital wait times are ridiculous but I really could not. I felt horrible, was incredibly dizzy, and nearly fainted while I was walking. They did an EKG and said my heart was fine and I had no symptoms of a stroke which they ruled out right away. I spent 6 hours in the E.R. and the doctor said I had a bad panic/anxiety attacks as well as dehydration, low blood pressure (according to the 1st nurse who also hit on me while I felt like crumbs), and high blood sugar levels (170 according to the 2nd nurse). I had eaten two Pop-Tarts on an empty stomach an hour or two before the blood sugar level was taken so I'm guessing that was the elevated blood sugar level but they still want me to get tested for diabetes. I had already gotten blood work done (a month ago) and that was okay and I've gotten my blood sugar level taken twice in the past 4 months and it's been normal so I'm not stressing too much. More blood work to go along with the thyroid level blood work I have to get done this week. *sigh*. I hate needles. At least it wasn't worse and for that I am grateful.

I felt like crumbs a couple of hours but half of my stay in the E.R. was spent waiting around, reading Pride and Prejudice on my iPod touch Kindle, and drinking a huge cup of ice water (I didn't know they made them that big) that the doctor wanted me to drink (and additional two water bottles I had with me) to get me hydrated. I got to pray the 54 day Rosary novena and the St. Jude novenas before I left too, which was good because I didn't go home until about midnight and I would've had to start all over.

Although it was scary I am grateful that it was taken care of quickly. I had actually started feeling sick at Mass around noon, and was uber dizzy and lightheaded in Mass and wanted to hold onto the pews while in line to receive communion but I didn't want to say anything, and I just let it get worse which I should not do. Unfortunately, though I want to take it easy, it doesn't seem that it'll happen. I could go on a rant about this but I'll just say that it makes me upset that after everything that happened yesterday and considering how exhausted I feel today, it's just not nice to make me feel like crumbs for wanting to rest today. I will try to make it to Mass today but I'm just not feeling up to driving or, really, going out at all. We'll see how it goes.

To everyone who prayed for me yesterday, THANK YOU! The wait times at the county hospitals are usually between 12 to 24 hours so my 6 hours were nothing and I think your prayers really did it. :)

I hope y'all are doing much better than I am and that you will have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless.

Quick, and Pretty Happy, Dad Update.

*Note: Started this on June 24, finished on June 26*

I have to write this pretty quick because I am making rice pilaf and it's currently simmering on the stove...

So, good news and a little bit of not so good news. As always, first the bad. Dad's digestive system is starting to fail so they've stopped the feeding. He's now receiving his nutrients through IV. Despite that, he's in better spirits. Also, Medicare and MediCal (who I am often fighting with over the phone) have informed us that they will no longer pay his hospital bills. Better news: Yesterday he was alert and well. No longer semi-conscious. It has been the best I've seen him look in a really long time.

Continued: June 26.
Why is that I always write when I'm cooking? lol. Random. Anyway... Well, dad keeps looking better and better though the doctors are giving us really a really grim prognosis. At first they said 2 weeks to 2 months, now they are saying a month to two left to live... but, as both his doctors have said, it's really up to God. I'm still holding out for that miracle. He is doing better, though. Everyone who has seen him over the past week or so can notice a huge improvement. Mom's expecting for us to see him well and then have his health take a sharp decline. I'm not. I'm expecting him to get better.

He's been very alert, slowing regaining his strength. He's walked a little and has been able to sit up, granted in a wheelchair, by himself for a couple of hours. How to know dad's feeling like himself again: He'll tell you you're doing something wrong and then try to correct it himself. lol. Dad's funny that way. :) He's been slowly working himself up to light (semi-solid) food again, too.

I'm not currently at the hospital because they might take him elsewhere and we're waiting until we're sure. As I said a couple of days ago, Medicare and MediCal are refusing to keep paying for his hospital stay so we had to decide to take him either to a hospice or a convalescent hospital (a.k.a. nursing home). We decided on the convalescent hospital for two reasons: 1) if we took him of the hospice, they'd slowly start taking his meds away and we'd only have him for 48-72 hours before he passed, and 2) my mom works at a convalescent hospital so if we take him there (which we will), she'll be able to keep an eye on him. Mom won't be his nurse but she knows who will be. Mom's worked there since before I was born (they've watched me grow up) so they'll take good care of dad there. :) We're hoping he'll just continue to get better and better there.

With Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati's day coming up on July 4th, we're all stepping up in the prayer department. Dad won't let anyone take the prayer card I gave him of Blessed Pier Giorgio away from him. :) I'm going to see if I can have a priest go visit dad this weekend. Don't know if he'd be able to receive the Eucharist (doctors don't want him to eat anything) but it'd still be nice for dad to get Fr. Juan to chat with him again. :)

AH! That reminds me... I'm that much closer to getting my mom back to the Church -- to confess and receive the Eucharist. :D A few days ago when dad was in bad shape, I was started saying a prayer and something popped up in my mind while I was praying... "Ask mom if she'd promise to marry dad through the Church if Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati does this miracle for us." (They only have a civil ceremony and are currently only legally married.) So I talked to her and for the first time since I can remember, she agreed! Again, it's taken me years to try to convince her of this. It made me think that, if dad survives this, maybe what we're going through was something that needed to happen for us to get closer to God. If not, well, we're already closer than we were, which is fantastic. Either way, I'm praying even harder for that miracle because that would be another dream come true for me -- to have both of my parents back at Church and married through it, the way it's supposed to be. That would make my entire year. We'll see. :)

Okay, I need to get back to cooking, cleaning, and then working on the novel... all while I wait to hear whether I can go see dad today or if I have to wait a bit longer for them to decide whether they'll take him today or tomorrow. :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers and for occasionally checking on me through twitter. I greatly appreciate it. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. I'll hopefully write something else, besides updates on my dad, next time. :)

Dad Updates, From My Point of View.

Two pictures of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, one of St. Jude, and the one I added of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati are on the erase board in front of my father's hospital bed so that he can look at them when he's conscious and alert. I also have a picture of dad with a picture of Blessed Pier Giorgio on his side but, due to respect for my family, I will keep that one private... until, and in case, we get that miracle we're praying for and we need some sort of photographic evidence.

I've been asked by many people to give an update, so here I am. I will actually go to the hospital right after I finish this... and will attempt to sneak into my dad's room.

Dad is on a roller coaster right now. No, not literally. A few days ago, he got so sick that we were told to start making funeral arrangements because he wouldn't make it past the weekend. It's been decided that I am having the final say on where dad will be buried (when the time comes) and what we're going to do because I took care of him and because I've lived the longest with him (not counting my mom, of course). I've decided to keep him in L.A. with us instead of having him taken back to Mexico for personal reason. I assure y'all it wasn't for purely selfish reasons. I took everything into consideration before I decided. We've talked about keeping the three of us (dad, mom, and I) together and that's what we're going to do. He's made it past the weekend... but now they're only giving him 2 more months to live. I won't listen to the estimates though, because only God truly knows when each of us will go. No living human being can tell us how much longer we have. We just have to trust that we will go when God wants us.

Everyone has began falling apart... including myself, though I think, and hope, that I've stayed stronger than they give me credit for. My mom started questioning God for "doing this", but I've talked to her about it so she's no longer doing it. If there's one (or two) thing I haven't done, is give up on dad and keeping my faith close to me. While everyone is pessimistic and thinking the worse, I'm staying optimistic and thanking God for keeping us all intact thus far.

All of my brothers and my sister are here (dad has 6 children; I'm the youngest) and it made my father VERY happy when he saw all 6 of us together, in his hospital room. (We went two-three days without the security kicking us out for having 8+ people in his room). Though he's only half conscious most of the time, he'll ask where one of us is while keeping his eyes closed. Since two really mean nurses (nasty women) reported us for "creating problems" in my dad's room, we've had to take turns seeing dad. (I heard one of them laughing when security was called. If I wasn't trying to continue acting like a lady, I would've given her a piece of my mind.) Yesterday was really hard for me because I was the last one to see him. Reason for that is because on Saturday I ended up at another hospital, in the E.R., for burning, stabbing chest pains. It ended up being a case of bad heartburn with a little anxiety/stress. Since then, they're limiting my time at the hospital. My brothers are leaving today (only my sister is staying with us for another week), so I'll have better luck in seeing him longer tomorrow. Still, I know I have to get out more (both doctor's and family's orders) because the visits are actually making me feel worse. I feel very weak and fatigued the mornings following the visits. The longer I am at the hospital, the worse I feel the next morning. I've already let my friends know I will need them to come watch a movie, or to help me get out of the house once in a while so I don't get worse. It makes me feel guilty... like I'm selfish and uncaring... for doing this but deep down I know it's the right thing to do. I won't be of much use if I get sick too.

I've prayed the Rosary and Chaplet of the Divine Mercy at his bedside a couple of times... but the last few times I've tried, I've gotten chest pains so I haven't anymore. We still pray, though. At any given moment, you will see at least one person praying in dad's room. Yesterday, mom, my sister Ana, and I were all praying different things... along with dad. Dad began singing hymns and praying at the top of his lungs yesterday morning. No one knows why, but he did... and it's actually beautiful. The fact that he does is half consciously is just another way of showing us that God is with us. In fact, the nurse told me that when they asked him why he did that (when he was more alert) he said that he did it because he felt that God was with him, and that that made him very happy. I keep asking Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati for his intercession.

Did I mention that on Friday (the feast day of the Sacred Heart of Jesus) we found the prayer card of Blessed Pier Giorgio on the table next to my dad's bed? It was literally a foot away. No one knows how it got there, either, because we were the first ones to go in in the morning. I'm not jumping to conclusions, though. Whoever put it there... THANK YOU. Every since I asked Blessed Pier Giorgio for a sign -- that either dad will be okay or that we'll be okay -- I've felt nothing but peacefulness and happiness. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking or what, but I have a feeling we'll see a miracle -- again, either in dad or in the family. I think that my faith in God, the Church, and in miracles is so strong that it's what keeps me going without becoming a complete mess. If anything happens, I at least have the consolation that dad will go without any sins on his conscience. I am sincerely thankful that he was able to confess and receive the Eucharist shortly before his health began to decline. That's all I wanted and all I worked for those years I tried to convince him, and prayed for him, to come back to the Church.

SKIP THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE DETAILED MEDICAL EXPLANATIONS:
Oh, like, some of you want the specifics on what's wrong. Doctor's told us this morning that his liver is 30-40% badly damaged, which is why they've been doing dialysis on him - to clean his blood. Since my dad has been stable and responding well, there's a chance it will get better. His lungs aren't affected as they originally thought. Also, the yellow in his skin and eyes (which we thought was jaundice) has begun disappearing because what was causing it, the bile, was getting blocked. They did an operation and have fixed that. His kidneys are practically shot, too... though we can always hope and pray that we'll see a miracle occur.

That's it for now. It's getting late and I'd like to see dad before visiting hours are over. Thank you all who have been asking Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati for his intercession (I believe he needs one more miracle to be officially declared a saint; I'm hoping we personally see this miracle happen), and for your continued prayers for dad and for my family. They are greatly appreciated from the bottom of my heart. And a special, THANK YOU to my friends who have been there for me and have checked up on me and dad on a daily basis. I love you all! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Cold, You are NO Friend of Mine; Dreams: End of the World (Again).

I think I have my first actual cold (not just cold-like symptoms) in nearly 3 years. Yes, you read that correctly. The last time I had a full blown cold/flu was in November 2005. You see? I'm pretty healthy, except for my anxiety. :D This blog won't be too long because I want to get back into bed soon. Hopefully my anxiety won't get worse. Prayer to St. Dymphna will definitely be said today! Mister Cold, you are definitely NO friend of mine! I missed my British Lit class yesterday... and my paper was due! UGH! But, trust me, I spent most of the day in bed because I felt like passing out. I only went to the hospital to get the heart monitor taken off. Hey, maybe the whole episode on Sunday was just a warning that a cold was on it's way. Ah!

I had yet ANOTHER end of the world dream. It's been quite a while since I've written about my dreams, eh? I've only had one dream about what happened after the world ended (which I wrote about a few months ago). Most of my dreams that are about the end of the world never get beyond what's happening as the world is ending. Only that one in April has been about what happened afterward -- walking through Purgatory and all of that with my parents and maternal grandmother. Last night's dream was typical except that it went a little further than usual.

In the dream, we looked up to the sky -- the sun was setting behind us and we could see the sky getting darker and all the stars shining like little diamonds in the sky. Then I saw three bomb explosions happening right next to each other in the sky. The explosions were very golden but think of the color of 10 karat gold. That light golden color. Then I saw something silver/metallic coming down from the sky and the earth began to shake violently. I remember going to grab the Our Lady of Guadalupe framed picture that's up on my way and then grabbing the St. Jude statues (kind of like what I do in real life when there's an earthquake) and hold them close to me. I remember seeing a life sized crucifix, with Jesus nailed to the cross. I remember it getting nearer and nearer but then I woke up. Yeah. It's been quite a while since I've had any dreams like that.

Dreams are just weird, man. I haven't told Fr. Leo any of my recent dreams but I know he's interested in them. As Fr. James once told me, my dreams are better than movies. lol. He's absolutely right. :D Hopefully I'll be able to chat with him once my cold goes away. I need to talk to him anyway, see if he can help me with something. :D

Alright, well, I need to get back to bed and drink plenty of fluids. I want this cold out of me as soon as possible. One positive thing about this cold, I have more time for prayer and for movies about saints! WHOO! lol. Hey, when I get sick, I find more time to devote myself to the Lord and prayer so I see it as a blessing... despite the gross feelings. :D

I hope everyone's doing well. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Quick Update

I was taken to the Emergency Room of one of the county hospitals on Tuesday a bit after midnight and spent 14 hours there. They thought I had appendicitis but it wasn't the case (thank goodness!). I had a bunch of tests done, including a CT Scan. Anyhoo, for those of y'all who've done a CT Scan -- you know the icky liquid (the contrast) they make you take prior to the exam. That liquid has made me nauseous and totally wrecked havoc on my stomach and digestive system for the first couple of days. It's early Friday morning (18 minutes past midnight) so I don't know how I will be feeling later, but I'm hoping it's all good. Just wanted to give y'all an update because a few people have started worrying. If my friends don't hear from me in 2 days, they go into panic mode. I am fine, just a little scare. No guarantees that I will be on the rest of the weekend but hopefully I will... especially since I have a blog I really want to write. Let's just say that these days that I've been sick have really made me think... and Our Lady of Guadalupe has played a HUGE role in everything that's happened lately. :D When in need, ask for her intercession and she will deliver. Gracias, Madre Santa. :D

I hope y'all are doing well. Thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Fat Tuesday, Back to the Hospital and Old Friends.

I have eating as much meat as I could today because tomorrow is the first day of Lent and that means no meat! My mom made these really good spicy pork chops and dad made chicken soup so... WHOO! lol. I know I'm excused from fasting because I'm sick (I made sure I knew if I was excused) but I still won't eat meat tomorrow or on Fridays. I actually am fasting for the first 12 hours of the day (I am going to be eating until 11:59 p.m. tonight) but that won't seem like a big deal because I will be sleeping for about 9 - 10 of those hours. lol. I usually don't eat much meat in the first place so abstaining for meat isn't a big deal for me. I have other things to eat. :D I bet restaurants love today because they know the day before Lent is the day everyone goes out and eats all these delicious foods we have to give up for 40 days. ;)

I didn't do much today. I went to vote for the candidate I believe would be a great president and then came home and waited 'til I had my doctor's appointment. I was surprisingly mellow today, in terms of not worrying about the appointment, but I should've probably been nervous because I found out something that made me wig out for a few minutes. I actually went in for one thing but the doctor decided to check something else while she had be there and she discovered something on my right side, which I will have to get an ultrasound for. *groans* So, it's back to the hospital to get more tests done, more blood drawn, and more stress put on me. I have a feeling one of my best friends isn't going to be too happy with this added stress I was given because he's trying to keep me relaxed. Sorry hun! While I was on the verge of tears when I first got the word, I am very calm right now. I don't know why. I mean, this thing could potentially be (God forbid) breast cancer (and, yes, it's possible even at my age) but I think I've dealt with so many of these things that I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I am not going to make myself more anxious by worrying about it. I'm just going to pray to God that it all come out alright and that it's nothing I can't handle. Okay, I'm a little scared and nervous but at least I'm not going crazy. At least, not yet. lol. See? I'm trying to keep my sense of humor. *sigh*

I could sit here and do the whole "Why me? Why again? Haven't I suffered enough?" bit but I don't see a point in doing it. I always say that God never gives us things we can't handle so I'm not even going to start questioning it. I'm just going to look at it as yet another thing that will keep me on track with my faith and that will make my bond with God that much stronger. I'm just going to focus on my anxiety (because THAT is the thing I am most worried about) and also focus on getting in touch with old friends.

A few nights ago I had a dream about old friends from a former school of mine. Yesterday I decided to try to get in touch with them again (by the by, they're all guys :D). These 3 guys are some of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. They'd walk me to classes (not all of them though, lol), they'd walk me to my car to help me with the creepy weirdos that used to follow me, we used to hang out when we could... these guys were/are just awesome. I missed them and this dream sort of made me realize it. Today I talked to one of them for a bit, which was awesome. He doesn't live too far so hopefully we'll get a chance to hang out before he moves away. Hopefully their girlfriends (yes, all 3 have girlfriends) don't mind me getting in contact with them again. I'm just trying to see how the guys are; I come in peace. lol. Besides, I'm not "on the market" so they have nothing to worry about. :D I love getting in touch with old friends... which is what I have been doing a lot of lately. Last year, it was childhood friends (and all boys, too, lol) who found me. This year, I'm putting the effort in touching base with some of my friends from a while back. :D All of this reminds me... I need to e-mail Mr. Navy (a friend I've known since kindergarten) about an old picture I found from when we were 5 years old. I bet he'll get a kick out of it. :D

Alright, well, it's nearly 11 p.m. so I have about an hour left to completely stuff myself before I can't eat anything anymore. lol. By the way, this 12 hour fast is something my dad told me about. They used to fast for the first 12 hours of Ash Wednesday in Mexico (at least, the part his family's from) so that is where I got the idea. I will have to talk to one of the priests about the other fasting days soon; I didn't get a chance to talk to them today.

As usual, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Anxiety, Mass and Childhood Friends.

Wow, what an incredibly hectic week I've had. I haven't been able to blog in nearly a week because of everything that's been going on. I don't even know where to begin.

Well, on Monday (which was a holiday here in the States) I ended up in the E.R. because of a massive panic attack I got. Hyperventilating, lightheaded, chest pains, crying -- the whole thing. I'd never gotten one as intense as it before. The best way I can describe it is feeling like I was going to go nuts. Panic attacks don't usually last more than 15 minutes but I somehow got about 2 - 3 in the space of about an hour (and in the middle of the Liverpool v Aston Villa game) so my mom worried and I was taken to the E.R. I spent about 9 hours there before I was released and basically, they already told me what I know... everything that happened last year has begun to surface and I've been feeling extremely anxious because of it. I was relieved to hear that I'm not going crazy and that I am in fact physically healthy. It just sucks to know that it's going to take a couple of weeks to start kicking the anxiety out of my system. Luckily, I'm taking the semester off so I can work on that before I go off to my new school.

And speaking of my new school -- apparently that is a HUGE source of my anxiety, which I never even considered. I've felt okay with the whole thing but apparently it's a bigger stressor than I had realized. Luckily, I've found these lovely counselors that are willing to work with me at a university nearby (and for dirty cheap -- compared to other places -- because I'm a college student) so I'm on the right path to getting better. I am going to have to postpone writing my book, or at least parts of it, for a while because I can't deal with additional stress until I start my therapy sessions.

You know... it's VERY common for people in this part of Southern California to have counselors, therapists and/or psychiatrists. In fact, there's a running joke that everyone and their dog has one. lol. It's very true though. I live in a very drama-filled city so I can see how that "joke" started. In my case, having to deal with my father's cancer (for the second time in 5 years), just coming off illness myself, having to plan my moving away from home, going through the transfer application process, having a heavy courseload (and I do mean HEAVY), and trying to keep this family together... NOT a walk in the park. Oh and I had the absolute worst summer (I took two 5-week courses, with professors who were partially insane, that were super intense) so... yeah. And, actually, this is the first time I've had vacation in a year. I was in school all of '07 (winter and summer included). Everyone who's had to help their parents out with major responsibilities and/or have had way too much on their plate because of things that have come up -- I completely for you and I know how difficult it is. I don't know how some people are able to cope with all of that but power to ya!

I'm very lucky that I know why I'm going through what I'm going and that I'll be able to work on it to get better again. Like the doctor said, I should be thankful that I'm not depressed (I'm a little too happy and joke around too much to be depressed, lol) and I have a great support system in my parents and my best friends. I know I'll be fine; I just need to really work on it and remember that I've dealt with worse things which I was able to overcome. I'm definitely going to be praying a little more than I was, spending a little extra time asking St. Dymphna for her intercession. As I always say, God never throws anything your way that you can't handle.

I was proud of two things while I was at the hospital -- 1) I was able to bring comfort to an older woman and 2) I was able to make people laugh. While we were in the E.R., I befriended this older lady who was maybe in her 80s. She was fine for a while until she started worrying about her surgery. I asked her if she was Catholic and she said she was. I gave her the St. Jude prayer card I had with me. She read it and then wanted to give it back to me but I told her to keep it so she'd have it as a source of comfort. Her daughter saw what I'd done and she thanked me, telling me that they were actually devotees of his. After that, the older woman seemed in better spirits, which made me so happy! That's all I would ever want -- to cheer up someone who was feeling down, despite how I am feeling. I was very happy I was able to make some of the other people laugh too. Apparently, no matter how much pain or how miserable I may be, I can still manage to make people laugh. I hope I never lose that ability.

Okay, I have said enough about what happened on Monday, which I want to put behind me. I ended up missing mass on Sunday AND Monday which makes me very unhappy! I felt icky on Sunday morning but when I was ready on Sunday afternoon-evening, dad had start getting sick so... I had to stay home. It's all a conspiracy to keep me from mass but, pfft, next Sunday I will be there! I HATE missing mass. I don't feel right... and I am perfectly aware it's a mortal sin (although I know it's not as bad if I miss it because I'm sick or because I have to stay home to take care of my dad). Bah! It's back to confession for me on Saturday, too (for missing mass). If anyone ever wonders why I seem to go to confessions almost every week, it's usually because I miss mass due to circumstances beyond my control. That and Liverpool games make me say mean things about refs who don't do their job properly. lol. Bah humbug! Oh wait... that's a Christmas-y saying, isn't it? lol. Well, you get what I mean. :D

Ooh, this is something interesting that happened last night/this morning. I had the most RANDOM dream about this guy I went to school with... when I was 5 - 11 years old! We were friends all through elementary school and when we went off to junior high, that was it. But it was so WEIRD to have a dream about him. Never in a million year would I have thought of him if I had not had that dream. I think I still have some pictures from when we were kids but I'd have to check. Anyway, I wonder why I had the dream... and it's made me very curious to know what he and his sister (who was also a friend of mine) are up to.

I still keep in touch with childhood friends but most everyone has lost track of everyone else. I find it funny that out of the friends I've known since ages 4 - 11, (that I still keep in touch with) only 3 of them are girls and only because my parents see their parents so we send each other hellos and messages through them. All the rest of them, the ones I personally talk to, are guys. The friend I have known the longest still comes and visits when he's in the area. We've known each other since I was 4 and he was 5. I also still keep in touch with my childhood sweetheart (my first 'boyfriend' who I've known since we were 5 years old), as well. He's off in the Navy so I pray that he gets back home soon to because I'm sure his wife misses him terribly. Thinking about it, it's so WEIRD to think that most of my childhood friends are married, with kids or engaged. Only one of the guys and I are still single. I know it's part of growing up but it's just funny because everyone thought I'd be the first to get married and have kids and I'm the last one. lol. I'm serious. Being the hopeless romantic, everyone pretty much bet I would be the first to marry (and as young as 17). I should've bet a lot of money that I would be the last. lol. While I do have someone I care about, everyone's gonna have to wait quite a while longer before they have my (potential) wedding as an excuse to have a reunion. :D

Yikes, I've written way too much. Sorry, I'm just making up for the last 5 days. Hopefully this will be the longest entry I'll ever write. I will go back to my shorter entries next time. :D

Anyhoo, if you've made it this far... have an imaginary cookie or go get yourself a real one as a reward. If you know me personally, come over and I'll make you cookies. :D lol. Thanks for reading and God Bless.