Online Inauthenticity and Temptations

This past week, I got the chance to research and write about the internet's patron saint, St. Isidore of Seville, for EpicPew. Why? Why not?! As someone who has a serious love-hate relationship with several online things (especially social media), I thought it would be good to learn a little more about who the patron was and why he was the patron saint. I won't reiterate what I wrote but you can definitely check it out here.

One thing that has really struck me lately is the lack of authenticity and how caught up in it we are without really realizing it. I'm not immune to it. I try to be as real and open as possible on this blog but that doesn't mean I don't also go with the - let's say - more flattering pictures posted on social media. Am I really that vain or is it just a fear of the judgment? I'd say it's fear of judgment but perhaps it's both... and it's made me uncomfortable either way.

I usually don't take selfies very often. The picture I had on Twitter before I changed it this week was nearly 3 years old and the new one was taken when I cut my hair two days ago. Still, it felt inauthentic to me. I tried to counteract that with a series of videos (to friends) on the topic on social media in which I wore no makeup and hadn't brushed my hair. I promise I didn't look like a complete mess but I felt a bit better. I normally don't wear makeup and I have my hair up and away from my face.

That incident made me think about how I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable online. Sure, it's been a sort-of lifeline for me since it's what I use to communicate with friends these days. We're all so hyper-connected that, if it's not said on social media, it probably won't be said at all.

I'm a social introvert; I need socializing as much as I need my own solo time to recharge my batteries. With my friends having moved away from L.A. and/or living across the globe (my best friend lives in Italy), it's hard to try to get everyone together, face-to-face. I went 8 months without seeing a single one of my friends, remember? Without the use of social media, I would have a lonelier existence... but I still hate it.

I hate that we rely on social media so much. I hate that it's increasingly difficult to get together with friends -- even those who live within reasonable driving distance. I hate that I hate the online world because it usually affects me much more than I'd like to admit.

I'm an HSP; I absorb people's feelings and moods very easily. Not only that, the feelings will linger for hours or even through the end of the day. The smallest amount of negativity will ruin my day. What's the internet and social media famous for? The infighting, even amongst us Catholics. It makes it hard for me to shake off the bummer mood. Why do you think I read and write so much? It provides distractions and keeps my mind busy when I've had enough of the internet.

I may (thankfully!) not have the temptation to look at pornography, to seek out fights, to troll people, to do anything damaging... but the temptation to live my life online and to fall into the trap of only sharing the "best" side of myself is still a temptation I struggle with.

A couple of months ago (side note: this post has been in the drafts box since the second week of January) I read an open letter to Benedictine oblates on the internet and social media (which is worth a read!) and I saw this prayer that I've personally written out for myself to use because, let's face, we all face temptations every time we get online.

"O God, who hast taught us to make use of the things of this life as if we used them not (1 Cor 7), grant me wisdom and discernment in my use of the tools of knowledge and communication, for the form of this world is passing away (ibid.). Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth (Ps 140); preserve thou my mind from aimless curiosity; turn away my eyes from beholding vanity, and pierce thou my flesh with thy fear (Ps 118). Chasten thou all my discourse, lest any word of mine bring harm to me or to my neighbour. Make my heart like unto a fortified city, that filled with thy loving mercy, I may praise thee with pure lips: Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come (Apoc 4), who in perfect Trinity livest and reignest, throughout all ages of ages. Amen.

Holy Mary, Virgin most prudent, pray for us.
Ye holy Angels, save us from spiritual harm.
Holy Abbot Benedict, teach us silence.
Holy Doctor Isidore, keep us from falsehood.
All ye saints of God, intercede for us."

How about y'all? Do any of you feel like you're in the same or a similar boat? Has anyone found ways to combat all of this negativity we encounter online, especially social media? (side note: even limiting who I follow on social media doesn't always help). Is it possible to find a good balance between the online and offline worlds that lasts for more than a couple of days? If so, please let me know because I feel seriously burnt out these days.

Anyway, I hope y'all had a good work week and that you have a lovely weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Thank You for the Anger, God!

I'll be the first to admit that I have a temper once I'm pushed beyond my limits. I think we all have that limit where we endure all we can before we're pushed beyond our limit and become prone to feeling anger over whatever it is that provokes the emotion. However, I sometimes feel like when I get angry, I get really angry. Like, "ooh, child, you best watch yourself and walk away" angry. It doesn't happen often but, when it does, it can surprise even some of my oldest friends.

I feel things very deeply. The good, the bad... homegirl is sensitive to it all. lol. Hi, I'm an HSP and an INFP; it's ingrained in me. I know many of my friends were surprised to see me being so steady and not breaking down after my father died but that was because I internalized everything when people were around. I broke down when no one was watching. I tend to do that. I might've presented a strong front, especially when my mother completely broke down at the funeral, but that was because I was being outwardly strong for others. Inwardly? I was a wreck. I then became numb to all feeling for about a year because it was my way of keeping myself from breaking down completely and having others worry about me.

If I see someone hurting, my heart breaks. I will immediately tear up and this instinct to do whatever I can to help alleviate their suffering kicks in. It can be a mother asking for money outside of groceries stores. It can be seeing the destruction following a natural disaster. What hurts me most is when people lose what's most important to them -- their loved ones, their homes, their livelihood.

On the flip side, if I see someone happy, I burst with happiness for them. I cry at weddings with the biggest smile on my face. When one of my friends expresses their joy over something, I feel it too. Engagements, marriages, babies, job promotions, accomplishments, if you are happy, my heart is full and it feels as if these things were happening to me.

I've always had people trying to stop me from (by making me feel ashamed of) being emotionally expressive. Up to a point, I can see why. Some people do try to take advantage of those who feel strongly by means of emotional manipulation. I've been a victim of this more times than I care to admit. I am getting better at distinguishing when someone is using emotional manipulation. Of course, when I realize this, I become angry because it's a terrible thing to do. I don't understand why people do it.

And that brings us to the emotion of anger and the topic of this post. I feel this emotion deeply as well. Injustice makes me angry. Lies and manipulation make me angry. Abuse of any kind makes me angry. If I see someone being bullied, attacked, or anything of the sort, I get very upset. I used to confess this (often) because I used to think that getting angry was a sin. It became a source of scrupulosity for me. It wasn't until someone explained that feeling angry is natural and not a sin but that acting upon that emotion can become sinful that I stopped being so scrupulous. It's gotten better and I don't confess it unless something uncharitable escapes my lips or I act upon my anger (e.g. icy glares) but I still don't like how angry I can get sometimes. It's not a nice emotion. I don't like things that aren't nice. Sue me.

I have some consolations about this terrible anger I feel sometimes. Jesus got angry and cleansed the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). (side note: if you've ever wondered why I say "flippin'" when I'm upset about something, it's from this -- from Jesus flipping some tables in righteous anger). St. Jerome, who felt anger ardently, is the patron saint against anger for a reason yet he did great things for the Church. St. Teresa of Avila, who was also known to suffer from fits of anger, helped co-found the Discalced Carmelites (along with St. John of the Cross) because she had had enough of seeing the corruption within the Carmelite order. Through these (and many more examples), I've come to realize that I can use this particular negative emotion for good.

I believe that if we feel things deeply and don't get carried away by the emotions we can do a lot of good. The anger can be channeled to do something positive. The same with the sadness and (more easily) the joy. If we can keep this in mind, why are we still shamed into repressing them? A big reason why I developed anxiety in my mid-teens was because I bottled up most of my emotions. Any of you wondering why I haven't had regular panic attacks like I used to? It's because I've no longer bottled up my emotions, good or bad.

That's not to say that I've got it down pat. Sometimes, I can explode -- with anger or joy. Let's be honest, as human beings, we all do. I can usually keep things in perspective but when you add outside factors like lack of sleep, hunger, and other things, it's not as easy. However, it's not impossible.

I recently faced a lifelong problem with anger towards a certain family member. I prayed novenas about it and I sought the advice from trusted friends. God allowed me to understand that what this family member was doing to cause the (righteous yet still unpleasant) anger in me was being done unconsciously and that it was a result of some deep emotional scars within this person; none of it had anything to do with me. I exploded (in a quiet, controlled way) yet calmed down enough to sit down and talk to this person. 2 hours (and many tissues) later, we seemed to have sorted through things. I pray that God continues to help us keep our differences and outside influences in mind so that we can continue to repair the relationship but I know it's going to be somewhat of an uphill battle because it was decades of bad habits to undo.

Despite that drama (and I hate drama), I'm thankful to God for allowing me to have those moments where my temper exploded and I was able to look at things as a whole because it comes with the hope of a better relationship with the person. I still have to work on occasionally losing my cool when driving (L.A. drivers are notoriously rude) but I've seen the good God can do through the bad so I'm feeling optimistic about learning how to better control my temper overall.

How about you? Do any of you have a strong temper/temperament that you need to work on? Have you thought about asking God for help in learning to better manage and control that temper? Remember that you can always call of St. Jerome and/or St. Teresa of Avila whenever you're feeling particularly uncharitable in a heat-filled moment. :)

Well, that's it for now. I actually wrote this post days ago but I had work to do (which I will hopefully share soon) and then we had our apartment blessed for the Epiphany so I've been either sleeping, working, or cleaning up. Oh, 2018, you're a pip! lol.

I hope you're all having a lovely start to the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Life as a Highly Sensitive Catholic

When I was a little girl, my teachers would tell my parents that I was highly sensitive; I would cry easier than other kids. It was looked down upon as a flaw. They thought it was low self-esteem. They thought I was too coddled by my parents. This continued as I got older. Doctors would say I was just a really anxious person who didn't know how to handle too much stress at a time. Then I found out something revolutionary thanks to Anne of Mrs. Modern Darcy: I'm actually considered a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

For all of you who don't want to read through all the articles: being a HSP means that I am more sensitive to both emotional and physical stimulation. Loud noises, extreme temperatures, even the effects of medications -- I feel them a lot more intensely than most other people. It wasn't something I picked up growing up; I was just born with this trait.

I'm empathetic to the point of tears when I see someone suffering even in the littlest way, which is why I had to leave social media (for the night) a couple of days ago when all the shooting chaos began. I can't sit through any violent scenes or even listen to intense fighting. I faint easily in hot weather (heat sensitivity) if I'm not cool enough. Medication side effects are stronger than I'd like. (side note: last ER visit when I felt like I was going to faint? Antibiotics were so strong that it caused that feeling and it increased my anxiety about 3-fold for 72 hours after my last dose. Anxiety has been gone after I hit the 72 hour mark though my stomach still feels like I have a brick in it.)

After reading about the 16 Habits of HSP, as well as the 12 Things a HSP Needs, I didn't feel quite so alone or odd. However, it didn't hit some just how much I struggled with this label until I read the article on how a young woman learned to love herself as a HSP. This article hit home because, despite being aware that HSP was a real thing (my childhood doctor even confirmed it a couple of years ago; I do have a very sensitive body that can't handle certain medications nor caffeine), I still struggled with accepting and even loving this part of myself.

I've always felt like it was more of a flaw than an asset, one that I couldn't "fix" and that was looked down upon by most other people (especially doctors). After the past week in which I spent 6 out of 7 days in the hospital, it became even worse; I couldn't pray or feel like I could do much. I've recently began on my own journey in trying to learn to love this side of myself but I know I still have a long, long way to go.

Now, let's talk about being a HSP who is also Catholic. I love, love, love the smell of incense... but when it's too strong (or too close to where I'm sitting), I get lightheaded, nauseous, and a headache will pop up. I don't like clapping at Mass. I don't like Spanish Masses because of the music (usually involving a guitar and drums or Mariachi). I like my Masses solemn. I don't mind babies crying or babbling during Mass because I love babies so that doesn't bother me. Altar wine can be too strong for me at times.

I think being a HSP is why I quickly fell in love with wearing mantillas/chapel veils; it helps me focus solely on the Mass. Because the veil literally blocks my surrounding views and gives me a bit of "tunnel vision" in which my eyes will be focused on the altar or on the missalette, it helps me not get too distracted by what other parishioners are doing during Mass.

Lent? I can't make it through reenactments of the Stations of the Cross. I actually almost fainted the first time I watched The Passion of the Christ in one of my Religious Studies courses as an undergrad. I had to look away, something I knew my other classmates took notice of (there were less than 10 of us in that class; only 3 Religious Studies majors in my class).

The Rosary? I couldn't make it through the Sorrowful Mysteries without being a blubbering mess the first couple of years after my reversion. Though I still occasionally cry, it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I also don't like noise while I pray because I can get easily distracted and then overwhelmed. It's not fun. lol.

I felt like sharing this because I don't think it's talked about enough. Being a highly sensitive person isn't bad (and I'm going to keep repeating that to myself); it just means that we can get overstimulated more easily than other people. If 15-20% of the population is considered a HSP, then I know I'm not alone. :) If you're wondering if you're a highly sensitive person, you can take a self-test here.

Alright, I should go do something productive with my day. :)

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D