When Taking Care of Yourself Becomes Overindulgence

Last night and this morning I was thinking about my third novel and I had the inspiration to share (on the blog) something I'm currently in the process of working through: learning how to take care myself in moderation.

For years, I battled anemia, fatigue, and being underweight. In fact, I recently hit my normal weight range which I haven't been within since I graduated as an undergrad, 5 years ago. Anemia is physically (and even mentally) debilitating. I was tired all of the time and had trouble concentrating or even doing the simplest things (like remembering that I had water boiling on the stove; thank goodness for a whistling kettle). I would fall asleep sitting down, in the middle of the day. I would want to take a nap within 2-3 hours of waking up... after 8-10 hours of sleep. I would often be found in bed, laying there most of the day because my body felt very heavy and it was exhausting simply sitting up. It wasn't laziness; my doctors all confirmed it was due to the anemia. I didn't have the physical (and mental) strength to function like a normal human being.

I tried to push myself and do things despite my physical weakness but that ended up backfiring and I spent more time in bed, trying to regain strength. When that happened, I knew I had to admit "defeat" and allow myself to do what my body wanted. If I felt tired, I would take a nap. If I felt I couldn't walk any longer, I'd sit until I felt well enough to continue. If I was hungry, I would eat. If I was thirsty... well, you get the idea. Whatever my physical needs were, I took them as cues from my body that that was what it needed. It was that (and taking the multivitamin that apparently boosted my iron and folate levels quite quickly) that helped me get healthy once again. Hooray for learning self-care!

I learned that it's important to take care of yourself -- something I was sadly lacking since I tended to put others' needed ahead of my own and this is something I've done since I was a child. I didn't think of what I needed or even wanted. I did what others needed. It's not a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing. I've been taken advantage of by those who saw that I was easily exploitable. It's something that I've had to learn to better manage; to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty about doing. Seeing that I was making myself sicker by not taking care of myself was a massive wake-up call and one that I'm grateful for since I know it'll be useful once I have a family of my own (someday, I pray). Now I have to learn the other side of taking care of yourself: doing things in moderation.

Before I get into that, a bit of background info for you new readers. I feel like I'm getting those selfish years I didn't get when I was younger. As those of you who've been long-time readers may recall from previous posts, I didn't have your typical adolescence or young adulthood. I helped take care of my parents when most of my peers were going out with friends. I didn't go parties. I didn't go out on dates (and I've yet to be taken out on a proper date. Seriously). I didn't even go to slumber parties. Sure, I regularly went to concerts between the ages of 18 and 20, but I always came home right after the shows. When I hung out with friends (in those years in which my father's cancer was in remission), I would come home early. Simply put, I was a responsible kid. I avoided drugs, alcohol, sleeping around, and every other vice you could possibly think of for someone who grew up in  L.A. My then "friends" used to tease me for being an "old lady" or a "prisoner" of my own home but that's just how I've always been. When I was in school, I focused on that and didn't go out. When my father's cancer returned (and eventually became terminal), I was even more homebound than normal After my father died, I focused on school until I graduated. Almost as soon as I graduated, I got sick and it's taken 5 years to get to the bottom of all the problems I ended up having.

Now, taking care of yourself isn't bad. I'm back to my pre-graduation normal weight. My health is the best it's been in several years. My anxiety is virtually non-existent these days. I have a (more or less) clear path on which I'll be traveling down on over the next year or so, if it continues to be God's will. I've placed myself in God's hands and it's been a wonderful thing. But... I'm getting slightly off-track now.  While doing what you need to do stay health is great, it can backfire which is what I'm dealing with right now.

As you could probably guess from the title, I'm currently trying to learn to do things in moderation because what worked for me while I was sick isn't what I need anymore. I can't oversleep anymore (and my body has actually ached on days when I sleep more than 8 hours). I can't eat more than I need to. And before you ask, I used to lack on appetite and had to force myself to eat some days... which is how I got into the habit of eating even when I didn't feel hungry. That and, for a long time, I couldn't take iron pills and I had to eat a lot of food just to get enough iron in my diet for the day to not make the anemia worse. I've gotten into the habit of doing much more for myself than most other people do and it's one that I know I will struggle to break out of.

I have the hardest time breaking habits, both good and bad. I have to re-train my body to be fine with 7-8 hours of sleep when I can get them (which, thankfully, is most days). I also have to get back into the habit of getting to sleep early and getting up early instead of going to bed at 2 a.m. and waking up at 10-11 a.m. This will not be the easiest, especially since Mom's been on vacation since my birthday so I've gotten used to not getting up at 3-4 a.m. to help her get to work on time. I need to remind myself to listen to my stomach and to my body and stop whenever I feel myself getting full. I have to remind myself that the objective is to keep hunger away and not to make myself feel absolutely stuffed. Yes, I also know I won't ever have this luxury again... especially not once I get married and have a family of my own. That's why I say that I feel like I'm getting the selfish years I didn't have when I was younger; I only have myself (and my mom, to an extent) to worry about.

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have two more months off before I begin the next step in (what I believe to be) God's plans for me. I already have plans to work on my spiritual life (doing a big re-do/makeover of sorts) and I had my third novel to work on so it's not like I'll be sitting around the house, twiddling my thumbs. As soon as Mom heads back to work (this weekend), I get to reestablish my "housewife" routine of taking care of the house, running errands, and balancing the household budget by myself... on top of the plans I have for my novel and other things regarding my faith that will get me out of the house during the summer.

I will also try to go to confession more often because I know gluttony and an overconsumption of things are considered sins... and I'm tired of telling the priest I over-eat at least once during the week. *blush* If you haven't made the connection yet, the longer I went without going to Mass and confession, the easier it was for me to be selfish and greedy and allow myself to overindulge in sleep, food, and general laziness. I'm ashamed of myself for falling into this trap but it happened and now I'm holding myself accountable for all the dumb decisions I've made.

Please pray for me as I try to cultivate more temperance in my life. There are things I didn't mention in this post that will make things a little harder than usual for me when it comes to learning how to balance things, especially in the "ninja area" of my life that y'all know I don't like talking about on this blog. (*whispers* that means my "personal" life for those of you new to the blog. I'm notoriously private about my love life, y'all.)

Anyway, I think that's all for now. It's getting hot in my home office (we're nearing the triple digits this and next week in L.A.) and it's (unfortunately for me) the hottest room in the house so I want to escape this mini-oven before it gets hotter.

I hope you all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Have Zero Plans For My Life

I think some (okay, almost all) of the people in my life are utterly perplexed over my decision to not make any plans regarding my future. I have zero plans for my life. I have no clarity about what God wants me to do but not even that is making any big impact on me.

"So, wait, you don't have any plans?"

Beyond finishing the memoir and working on my third novel (two separate works), no. Before anyone panics, this isn't a cry for help nor anything of the sort. I'm not disappearing. I'm not depressed or having any thoughts that would condemn to automatic eternity in h-e-double hockey sticks. On the contrary; I can't remember the last time I felt this happy, this at peace, or this excited about the future. I've simply decided to let God have full control of my future. Complete control. I'm not planning anything long term. I know... it's weird for me not to have plans in place. It's a new territory for me.

Sure, I plan on looking for a job so I can pay back my student loans, but I don't have a specific field I'm looking at. I'm letting God take the reins in regards to what field I'll be working in. Yes, I do have plans to hang out with friends in the next week. Obviously, I have some writing to do. Besides that, no concrete plans. I don't even have birthday plans (which I love to plan for) and my birthday is coming up at the end of this month. Any plans I have are short term and no longer than 2 weeks in advance. These plans can also be changed as needed.

As I said in the last blog post, something happened between the 54-day Rosary novena I did last year and this past Lent that made me change in a profound way. I no longer care for this that I used to; things that made me shallow, vain, prideful, etc. As Easter approached, I knew that I wanted to surrender everything to God. If I had a religious vocation, this would've been easier for me to do -- to renounce the things that the world was offering me that were no longer bringing me joy or bringing me closer to God. Alas, I have no religious vocation. Recently, I even opened up myself to the possibility of becoming a consecrated laywoman but my desire for a family is too great.

I've known for years that this -- being a wife and mama -- is to be my future vocation. Again, since the Rosary novena, that desire has grown exponentially and my vocation in that area is the only thing that is perfectly clear to me. God is in control there as well, though I've had to ask St. Joseph and the Immaculate Heart of Mary for help to keep my heart safe from vultures in the past couple of months. No plans there either. Even if there are plans, y'all know I probably wouldn't talk/blog about them until like the day after my wedding, ninja-style. lol.

My former spiritual director advised me to wait until I was done with school to discern becoming a lay Dominican. The Oblates of the Order of St. Benedict have also appealed to me recently so I'll be looking into both of those. That reminds me... I should probably look into finding a solid spiritual director soon. Since I have no plans to return to academia in any capacity anytime soon, and since I have zero plans overall, it's a good time to start this discernment. A certain L.A. seminarian needs to get on my case about that. Ahem. lol.

I'm really enjoying my little domestic routine I fall into every time I'm not in school. I love pulling up Spotify on my laptop or iPod touch and singing and dancing along to the music as I clean the house. I actually love cleaning -- vacuuming, dusting, putting things in the proper place, washing dishes by hand, etc. Even there are only two of us living in this apartment, I still regularly clean the house and keep it organized. I do the grocery shopping. I'm the one who keeps track of all financial things. I take care of the car and I fix things that need to be fixed around the house (I'm very much my father's daughter). I even took apart the vacuum a couple of days ago to fix it. I split cooking duties with Mom but baking is my thing. It's my jam (no pun intended) -- I love the domestic life.

As you can see, I'm basically going with the flow. I'm open to anything God puts in my path. It's been working well for me except I can get bored at times (lol, oh, Emmy...). During these moments of boredom, I just grab a book and read, clean the house, or I try to catch up with friends. It's become clear that I need to take this time to get myself a little healthier so I'm simply playing it by ear. Where things will go, we shall see. Kind of exciting, huh? lol.

There's something intensely beautiful and liberating yet somewhat frightening about leaving everything up to God. It's frightening because you have no idea what He has in store for you. I have no idea what is coming up. I don't know if I'm going to endure more hardships or -- if there are some coming up -- if they'll be worse than what I've dealt with up until now. I don't know if I'm going to get a sudden break and things will start working out for me. I don't know when I'll get a job or pay off my student loans. I don't know when my dream of being a wife and mama will finally happen. I don't know anything except that I love God and I trust Him with my life. That is why I'm doing what I'm doing; that's the beautiful and liberating part.

That's my answer to people freaking out about the changes I've made lately. I'm happy and at peace. Have I said that enough for people will start believing me when I say it? lol. There's no need for any alarm. I'm in a good place across the board. Saying goodbye to certain social media accounts was good to do because now I don't sit around and just scroll through everything now that I have way too much free time. I have to use my creativity -- and remembering what needs to be done -- to fill my life. It's quite lovely.

I think that's it for now. Hopefully, this will be the last of these kinds of posts. I don't want to keep repeating myself but, apparently, I need to keep reassuring people I'm okay. I'm good. If I wasn't so camera shy, I'd post a picture of me giving you a thumbs up so... virtual thumbs up. Insert dorky grin here, too. lol.

Okay, I'm going to go get a snack and read. Maybe. I don't even know what I'm going to do for the rest of my day. ;)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I've Stopped Making Plans

When I was in my late teens through early 20s (20-21), one of my best friends and I had a running joke that we couldn't make plans because "the universe" always messed them up. (Side note: this was before my reversion which is why I blamed "the universe.") It annoyed me that our plans started falling apart almost immediately after we made them. The closer I got to my reversion, the worse it got. Of course, I didn't know I would eventually revert. All I knew is that it was a drag that I couldn't see my friends and go out as often as I wanted. I started getting sick. My dad would get sick as well. My anxiety became a pain to deal with. My friend and I had transportation issues; this was before either of us had cars or even driver's licenses. You name a reason for why we couldn't go out -- it probably happened to one of us... and usually to me. Little did I know that this would set the trend for the next decade.

I'm a social introvert. Yes, we exist and it's not an oxymoron. I genuinely love spending time with my friends. Quality time is, after all, my love language. Of course, after spending time with friends I need my time to recharge. As soon as I've recovered from an outing, it's time to make new plans to hang out. That's how it worked for me when I was a teenager right until my reversion -- I made plans with friends to go out and we went through with them. That usually meant we'd go to a concert, to the beach, out to eat somewhere, or on a mini road trip around the city (L.A. is huge and spread out). At the end of the day I was exhausted and took the next day (or three) to recharge. I had no idea it was because I'm an introvert but I knew it was what worked for me. After "the universe" (as my poorly catechized, pre-reversion self used to say) started foiling my plans, friends stopped wanting to hang out and/or, at least, making plans with me, because we never knew if I would be able to go out due to x, y, and/or z.

Looking back at it, it was a massive blessing in disguise. It forced me to stop hanging out with people who ended up being incredibly toxic, false "friends" who -- even years after my reversion -- did all they could to drag my name and reputation through the mud with gossip and lies. It also changed my path in life. I stopped being more preoccupied with things that were hurting my relationship with God (not that I even had one at the time) and I ended up reverting. See? Huge blessing. Still, I didn't see it like that way back then. I just saw it as an unfair "system" that kept me at home. Why couldn't I go out? Why couldn't I have fun? Cue the tiny violins.

If I hadn't stayed home all those times, I would've probably never reverted... or, at least, not as soon. I would've never spent as much time with my father when he was still healthy (during his remission years). Who would've guess that I'd lose him when I was 24? I certainly didn't. I planned on him being around long enough to play with my future kids. As I learned more about suffering and letting go from a Catholic perspective, not going out and hanging out with friends was easier to deal with. Having most of my friends either move away from L.A. or disappear because they didn't like that I was becoming "more religious" helped make the transition easier on me.

Fast forward to a decade later: I still can't make plans. In fact, I've pretty much given up on making any long term plans because it's obvious that I haven't learned to give up trying to control things. Yes, that's the conclusion I came to this weekend; things don't happen like I want them to because I'm still trying to have too much control over them. I'm still being taught that lesson. Now how do I know this? I'm not 100% sure, of course, but I came to the very painful but eye-opening realization that as much as I say "God, I trust in You" and "You show me what You want me to do" I still try to do things my way. Old habits die hard, folks. Not to say that I don't trust God, because I do, but I'm also selfish. I want things to go how I want them to, when I want. I want to have an idea of what the future is going to hold for me so that I'm not surprised. Blame it on dealing with anxiety and PTSD for half of my life.

This week there were plans to finish all my exams early. Even though I got no time to study for a couple of weeks due to health issues, hospital visits, and then a number of other things that popped up, I just wanted to get them over with. I was able to go back to my alma mater (oh, I'll blog about that soon) and take one of the three exams on Thursday. My anxiety was horrendous because I hadn't studied but I still managed to pass the exam. I was scheduled to go back on Friday (yesterday) to take two more exams.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling more relaxed despite not having studied much for either exam. I ate my usual breakfast, got dressed, and waited for my ride to pick me up. While waiting for the ride I thought "I'll go apply some holy water to my forehead; I can use all the help I can get today." Almost immediately afterward I started feeling stomach cramps. "Nerves," I thought to myself... until they got worse. I had a feeling I would not make it through morning rush hour traffic on the 405 (that's a freeway/highway for you non-local folks) so I decided to stay home. The phone rang; my ride was waiting outside for me. Nope, I wasn't going. My stomach cramps got so painful that my heart started racing. It didn't last for more than maybe an hour or so (chamomile tea FTW!) but I had to reschedule my exams for Monday. Thankfully my proctor was wonderful about it and said it was no problem; to feel better and go in on Monday. Did I mention that this all happened at 5-6 a.m. and I was scheduled to start my exams at 7 a.m. so it was really last minute to make these changes on my proctor?

I originally planned to finish college in 2006-2007; I received my first Bachelor's in 2012. I'd planned to go to college in England; I stayed in Los Angeles for school. I planned to finish this second Bachelor's degree the Spring of 2015; I had to withdraw in November 2014 for health reasons. I went to grad school and planned to finish my MA in Biblical Theology in Spring 2017; I left Summer 2016. I planned x, y, z weeks or even months ahead of time... and plans changed, sometimes at the last minute. Stop trying to make long-term plans, Emmy. ;)

So why am I sharing these stories? Well, like I said, looking back at them I've realized that I need to stop making all these plans that give me the false illusion that I have complete control over parts of my life. I firmly believe that I keep going through this because I haven't learned my lesson. I haven't relinquished my desire to have full control over parts of my life and I really need to. God knows better than I do what needs to happen and when. Me? I just want to get from point A to point B as fast as I can. I don't enjoy life this way because I'm rushing through it. I don't rely on God because I think that I can do things on my own. Also, I live in the future, not in the present. I only think about what will happen in the future but don't pay too much attention to the present. Poor little fool. I have a feeling that, until I stop trying to be so controlling over things and start being more present, the cycle will continue to repeat.

Yes, I'm totally one of those people who believe that everything happens for a reason and this is the reason why I think I'm in this endless cycle of failed plans. That's not to say that I'm never going to plan anything again ever. Short term plans usually work out for me, especially if there's a flexibility to them. I need to go more with the flow and not make so many rigid long term plans until I learn to not want total control over those plans. I planned my exam schedule weeks in advance and look at what happened. Some of the best things that have happened to me have been done last minute or when I've given up total control over it. What's that? God's will and not mine? Yep, that needs to be repeated in my mind more often.

Anyway, just wanted to share these thoughts with y'all. Have any of you been stuck in a similar cycle; where you plan on something but something else happens? When did things change for you?

I think that's enough procrastination for now. I have a quiz due in 4 hours but I'm going to go ahead and do it now. Better to do it when I can than to plan to do it later when it may be harder to finish, right?  ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D