I Feel Restless in My Faith and with Myself

Deep breath in. 

I've been feeling incredibly restless in my faith and with myself and I know it's due to my lack of Mass attendance and trips to the confessional. 

Exhale.

You guys know that I've been struggling with attending Mass for months. Yes, months. I get a deep desire to go to Mass and confession but something always happens. What I wrote in October still applies. I feel like the worst Catholic... a sorry, pathetic excuse of a Catholic. I felt it particularly hard a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly cut out to be a faithful Catholic with how often I've missed Mass. I haven't been to Mass since Candlemas, and we arrived late and I was too distracted to enjoy it. During the last full Mass I attended a month ago, I had to keep my snobby and somewhat uncharitable thoughts to myself. 

If you're wondering what happened today: light-headedness, as is the most common reason for my failure to attend Mass. I didn't even pick Mom up from work today and that only happens when I get so lightheaded that I'm afraid of getting into a potential accident. "Well, that's a valid excuse," you may be saying, but it doesn't take away how uneasy I feel. 

The longer I go without attending Mass or confessing my sins, the more restless I get. I feel absolutely horrid as I type this out. I've noticed how bad things get for me the longer I go without both Mass and confession. First, I become less charitable and more grumpy. Then it becomes easier to do the smallest (and, oftentimes, dumbest) venial sins. Then my patience runs out easier. Things built up. My temper gets worse. I literally cannot focus on anything, especially in prayer. I can't focus on my prayers; they feel robotic and empty. After about the second or third week, I'm an edgy mess. Again, the desire is there but then fear sets in.

Fear is what's at the root of my missing Mass. Fear of getting into a car accident because I'm not as mentally focused as I should be. Fear of getting more sick or not being able to get the medical help I need (this is anxiety talking when I have palpitations like I did earlier today). Fear of physical pain. Fear of fainting, especially when I've felt physically weak like I did two weeks ago. Fear of this... fear of that...

I know that fear is not from God. I know that the evil one uses fear. I want to have the courage to push beyond that fear, but I can't. I don't know what stops me. Oh, wait... yes, I do: more fear. Sometimes, when I think I have the courage to actually go through with it -- to get in my car and drive to Mass -- I begin to second-guess my decision. The "what ifs" begin to roll around in my mind. What if I should just stay home and not risk myself and my health? What if I'm just making up excuses for myself because I don't want to go to Mass? (That last one is one that popped up in my mind). 

I've cried more than once out of my inability to attend Mass. In fact, I'm trying to fight that lump in my throat that is threatened to form while I type this post out. I know I need to talk to a priest about this problem, especially since I feel utterly overwhelmed at this point. I don't like how I feel... and when I say "how I feel" I mean how I act. I don't like living in fear. I don't like losing my temper more easily as time goes by. This isn't who I usually am. I've been (jokingly) referred to as a gal with patience to spare. I don't get angry for more than a couple of minutes. I can let things slide... except I can't. Not these days; not since my lack of Mass attendance began to break personal records.

I humbly ask for your prayers. Beyond praying and talking to a priest, I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless. I feel restless. I feel scared. I don't want to put my soul in jeopardy if I can do something about it. 

Okay... here come the tears. That's okay. Tears only remind me that I care. I care about my soul. I care about my relationship with God. Once my time here on earth is done, I want to spend eternity with Him. I can't do that if I don't feel grounded in my faith; if I keep missing Mass.

Deep breath in. 

Exhale. 

God willing, things will work out. I just need help. And, with this idea, I'm going to stop writing and email one of my favorite local priests to see if I can set up a meeting to talk to him or see if he can give me advice as to what I can do in the meantime (while I wait for my next trip to the confessional and Mass).

I'm sorry to end this blog on such a downer but this is real life. This is -- and has been -- my biggest struggle. Nobody said the journey of this Catholic nerd writer was going to be easy or even pretty.

Alright, email to the priest and then I'll try to catch a Mass on EWTN before my evening/nighttime prayers.

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Missing Mass = Terrible Catholic?

I'm trying to get my mind off of how uncomfortable all the tape from the heart holster feels on my ribcage so... new blog post for y'all! lol.

Another weekend came and went and still no Mass for me.  That makes it 6 weeks in a row, a new record for me. Siiigh. I can't begin to describe how lousy and uncomfortable I feel missing Mass. I didn't feel right yesterday. I drove to our usual grocery store get food a couple of hours before the last Mass but I wasn't feeling that great in that short drive. As soon as it started drizzling again, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was disappointed in myself and in general. Yes, I know, I have excuses because I've been too lightheaded to drive by myself which puts me and others at risk. Yes, I know two of those weekends were spent in bed. Still, sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough.

I've had more than one priest tell me that I'm too hard on myself but sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough. I'm the only one in this household who drives. Our neighbors either don't go to Mass or they go at different times and we can't catch them in time to tag along. Public transportation while lightheaded makes me even more nervous due to past experiences where I've felt like nearly passing out. Taxi and Uber can be costly round-trip. a parish priest at the nearest church has been known to use incense often which isn't bad except the last two times I've felt like I couldn't breathe and got more lightheaded. The majority of other nearby parishes don't have Mass past noon which stinks because sometimes the lightheadedness gets better later in the day. What else am I missing that I can do?

Sometimes I wonder if the lightheadedness is a weak excuse to not drive to Mass. I've been told, more than once, it's dangerous so I tend to not drive when I'm really lightheaded. I know it's caused by the low red blood count (anemia) as well as the low folate level. I can't kneel at Mass for more than a couple of seconds for the same reason (blood doesn't circulate as well as it could). Are these excuses enough? Or am I just using the excuses to not try harder?

I guess I'm wondering about this because the sting of the last confession with my former spiritual director still lingers. Last night I had the thought that perhaps he's right; perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic. I can't even make it to Mass, how can I call myself a faithful Catholic when I'm missing a huge part of what is required of us? I also thought about how I can keep praying and asking for health issues to get resolved when I can't even go to Mass for God. Am I just a really terrible Catholic? For the record, these thoughts didn't linger but it did plant a seed of uneasy in me.

Anyway, I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. I don't want to make this "No Mass" streak any longer. I have been eating better and taking folic acid more frequently (when I don't forget it... or it gets put away by someone who is not me) so I hope that it'll help with the lightheadedness. If anyone has any tips, please send them my way!

Tomorrow, the 54-day Rosary novena begins. I'm excited about all the people who have signed up to get reminders! Last time we had no more than 5-6 so nearly 20 people (that I know of, anyway) this time around is huge. You can always join in, even if you don't let me know. ;)

Alright, the trick-or-treaters are starting to come out so I'm going to go hide. If there's a Grinch-equivalent for Halloween, I'm totally one. I've never liked Halloween, even as a child. Talk to me about All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day and you'll find yourself an excited camper. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely, safe night (especially those going out) and had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Missing Mass (Again) This Weekend

I absolutely hate missing Mass. Unfortunately, either the crazy weather or something has been preventing me from attending Mass regularly. That's what happens when you lack transportation. Sometimes it's been pleasantly nice outside, but cold enough to keep indoors (walking the two miles to and from Mass in the cold is very sometimes bad for me and I end up in major pain.) Today's culprit: my anxiety and my mother's flu.

Anyone who knows me knows that if one of my parents were to be sick, I'd give any outing to stay at home to take care of them. I did this with my dad when he was alive and I've done it with my mom for as long as I can remember. It's just in my nature to do this -- I love to take care of people when they're sick and/or unable to do something. There have been a couple of times where I still went to Mass even though one of my parents was sick... but that was when I had both of them in the house. Now that it's just mom and I, and considering how sick she was today, I decided to stay at home and make sure she was alright.

I'll admit that part of the decision was also, like I said, based on the fact that my anxiety's been a pain in the tush lately. It's not bad enough to keep me from Mass (if I had transportation) but I do feel weak enough to be unsure if I'd make the two mile walk. For those of you who didn't know: anxiety and depression is physically debilitating at times.

So, as much as I hate missing Mass, I am trying not to beat myself too much because it's not like I wanted to miss Mass. I loathe it. I confess it every time I do miss Mass (and every time the priest tells me that it wasn't a sin because it was out of my control.) I am going to make start offering up the missed Masses (and by subsequent frustration/sadness) to the souls in purgatory. Trust me, I've been known to openly weep in front of everyone when I can't go to Mass.

I have the option of watching Mass via EWTN en Español but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. Any tips/suggestions on what to do when you (I) miss Mass? All are welcomed and appreciated.

Alright, I think that's all the (sort of) ranting I can do. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.