God Has Humbled This Proud, Conceited, Vain Girl

(side note: I had this post/topic prepared before I decided to write about why I've given up writing my third novel so it will be published first; the novel news will hopefully be posted tomorrow.)

I was an extraordinarily active kid.

I was/still am a dancer. I took Mexican folkloric dance, swing, ballroom dance, waltzing, and drill team/cheerleading from elementary school through my freshman year of high school. To this day, you'll see me dancing in my apartment (well, only if I feel comfortable enough being the massive goofball that I am around you), dancing in the car, and sometimes in the aisles of the groceries stores when I forget that people can see me.

I was a tomboy who loved playing sports. I ran track, played handball, tetherball, and even baseball when the boys let me. I still remember being the only girl who would dare race against the boys to see who was the fastest in the 5th grade. In junior high, I mostly drill team until I had to choose between honors classes and drill team... and I chose the honor classes. After that, I played soccer, still ran track, and played basketball in my co-ed P.E. class. In high school (and I only went to public HS for a year and a half), I did dance for an entire year and then did a semester of co-ed P.E. I was one of the only two girls in the class who dared to play flag (American) football, basketball, soccer, and softball.

I also had my academic accomplishments. In elementary school, I was one of the chosen speakers of my elementary school graduation. In junior high, I tested into a more academically demanding track and had to choose between dance/popularity and academics. My parents drilled the importance of an education so it was a no-brainer for me. As a high school freshman, I (along with 4 other classmates) tested out of high school English so we took college-level elective courses with some seniors because they didn't have any English courses I could take. I developed severe social anxiety due to the bullying and mental abuse I received from both classmates and teachers so I lost an entire of school. They thought I was going to graduate when I was 19-20 through a charter school. I surprised them by graduating a year and a half early and I even gave the valedictorian/student speech at my high school graduation.

My health began to slowly decline shortly before I turned 18. Anxiety physically debilitated me and I'm sure my father's cancer diagnosis didn't help. I developed anemia for the first time when I was 18 and I was severely underweight from the anti-anxiety medications they'd given me. I recovered for a while but not before anxiety became worse... as did my health. I, who had no allergies as a child, suddenly couldn't eat or drink anything with dairy at 19. At 20, the egg allergy developed. I, who rarely missed school due to illness, became more and more sick... and there wasn't (at the time) an explanation. I returned to the Church in the midst of the uncertainty. The doctors then figured out that my (we now know) PTSD and social anxiety was the cause.

My academic career was terrible. I had to repeat a couple of courses because my health would sometimes affect things. Somehow, I was able to have lucky breaks and, despite illness and my father's death, I was finally able to graduate with my first Bachelor's degree. Quite a few years later than anticipated (I should've graduated around 2007-2008) in 2012.

I was okay for a couple of years but eventually, things began to decline again. When I was about 24, shortly after my father passed away, was the first time they noticed my platelets were lower than normal but no one bothered to check things out. It wasn't until I was 30 that they became more interested in getting to the root cause of my health problems, platelets included. At the time I'm writing this, I'm still a medical mystery to them since they can't figure out the cause (re: low platelets).

As many of y'all know, I overdid it and burnt myself out in mid-late 2014 when I did my first and second semester of my SLP degree... to the point where my health took the biggest hit. It took me until earlier this year to get my iron levels to the point where I was no longer anemic. After two semesters in grad school and a terrible car accident in late 2015, it took me a couple more months to recover my weight (I was underweight for about 2-3 years).

Things seem to be on the upswing and then... something brings me back down. Low platelets. Anemia. Anxiety. Academic failure. It's taken me several years to appreciate everything... and it's just now that I accept everything as being a part of God's will instead of trying to do things on my own, to the point where my pride makes me make terrible decisions.

I've recently realized that God has humbled me because it's been the best thing that could've happened. I was way too overconfident (read: conceited, proud, and vain) about... everything.

I was the girl who was always one of the top students. The girl who received academic honors. The girl who gave the speech at her HS graduation. The girl whose British Literature professor (during her freshman year of college) encouraged her to apply to Oxford University.

I was the girl who could whoop boys at a bunch of sports. I ran and hit faster than many of them. I wasn't afraid of getting hurt, bruised, or dirty.

I was the girl who was offered a contract with a major agency (that would've radically changed my life) when she was 20.

I was the girl who, at 19, was teased about being the first amongst her friends to marry because of the luck she had with the fellas.

I'm now the girl who (people assume) is always sick. I'm the girl who has to be careful during cold/flu season because she can't get a flu shot (egg allergy) and whose white blood count is rarely within normal levels (read: low immunity against viruses). I'm the girl who can't be in the heat too long because she has lower than normal blood pressure. I'm the girl who has to be careful not to cut herself because the low platelets could potentially make her bleed more than normal. I'm the girl who has to be careful about what she consumes because of the food and medication allergies.

I'm the girl who sometimes doesn't have the physical energy/stamina to even sit up or open her eyes on her most physically debilitating days. I'm the girl who gets winded simply bending down and standing back up. I'm the girl who can spend days lightheaded or dizzy in bed. I'm the girl who wishes she could dance more but doesn't have the energy to do so.

I'm the girl who constantly fails in the academic arena because sometimes her health is so poor that mental fog is ever-present, making it difficult for her to concentrate in lectures and/or remember what she studied for exams. I'm the girl who abandoned her second Bachelor's degree... then a Master of Arts degree... and then the second Bachelor's degree again.

I'm the girl who is seen as being a stereotypically lazy Millennial who just lays around the house, doing nothing. I'm the girl who wishes she could work to pay off her student loans but who can't because of her health. I'm the girl who wishes she could financially provide for her mother so that her mother could retire; this girl wants to take care of her mother.

I'm the girl who is currently working on something that she hopes to one day share with you all but, for now, let's say I'm working towards something that I hope will make my mom (and my father, wherever he is) proud. I'm the girl who, despite the want to do well on this thing she's working on, is having a lot of problems accomplishing the basic tasks because she constantly falls asleep and experiences too much mental fog to complete anything she begins.

I'm the girl with terrible luck with fellas (though, perhaps, still has excellent taste because 3 crushes from the past 8 years have ended up in seminary) and, at 32, is one of the last of her friends to marry.

I'm the girl who still has her moments of pride and vanity... but who God is humbling in a way that makes the girl cry tears of joy because (after much prayer in which asked to be cured has now seen that) it's the way He shows His love for her. It may sound weird but I feel like God continues to humble me in order that I may join Him in Heaven one day... which is my ultimate goal.

I'm the girl who has learned that it's okay to ask others for help... to be okay looking foolish... to be who she is, deep down, without worrying about how others perceive her or if others will like her.

I'm the girl who has learned that all the worldly accomplishments, all the riches, all the "luck", all that she experienced as a girl and a young woman aren't important. Doing God's will and choosing to accept the suffering that I need to endure is more important.

And, finally, I'm the girl who hopes God uses to get "through" to others who feel alone... unloved... hopeless... like failures... everything she herself feels at times. I pray to God that I may say the right words or do the right works; to help others during their own low moments. Even if I don't ever know about it and even if it's just one person during my lifetime, I hope I do good. I hope I do my part, through my weaknesses and failures, for His greater glory.

Some of you may say that it will be foolish of me to say this but: I really do hope God does continue to humble me to the point where my pride and vanity is as nonexistent in my being as possible. God has already helped me see how much this "mighty" gal has fallen... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I will continue to be seen as dumb, weak, too sensitive, a failure, etc. and I welcome it. I would rather be seen as being an insignificant than being at risk of having my pride and vanity return to the levels they were at when I was healthy and had too many options in life.

I'm going to leave y'all with this quote from the saint whose feast day we celebrate today (it's still Tuesday in Los Angeles):

“We are at Jesus’ disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that’s all right, everything is all right. We must say, ‘I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.’ And this is our strength. This is the joy of the Lord.” - St. Teresa of Calcutta

What I Learned Wednesday #14: "Oh Yes, She Did" Edition

I've behind on my What I Learned Wednesday posts because I either haven't had anything to write or because I was too busy on the day of (and the day before). Anyway, since I am socializing on social networks less, I have more to write... and more to learn, apparently.

This #WILW post is a little different. I have learned new faith-related things this week but I've also noticed that there are things I haven't learned as a Catholic blogger; things that I feel are very important. Instead of listing things I have discovered about the faith, I'm going to be making a list of things I have been missing even though I do know. Got it? Okay, here we go...

1. Despite my having this blog for over five years, I have yet to learn to quote the Bible and the Catechism in my posts, regularly. Have y'all noticed this? Sure, I occasionally do have a verse quoted but usually not. I have two reasons (poor excuses, really) for this. First, I've sort of assumed that everyone who reads this blog either knows the same amount or more than I do about the Catholic Faith... or at least Christianity. I've assumed that you know the Bible better than I do. The second reason is the main reason why I don't quote verses (and it goes with the first). Because I have assumed this, I have wanted to save myself the embarrassment of interpreting something wrong and/or quoting the wrong thing. Even though I do have a BA in Religious Studies (and seriously considered a Masters in Theology), I spent most of my undergrad studies "learning" about how orthodox Christianity is wrong, why the Church and the Church hierarchy is "evil" (I'm paraphrasing but basically their words), and little to nothing about the Truth. Not their version of the Truth but the actual thing. I have studied on my own but my memory is so horrible these days that I remember reading it in the Bible and the Catechism... but I don't remember where. That is my second reason. My memory is shot and, when I'm crunched for time, I just give up on providing a quote. And before you get all "well, can't you look it up?" on me, the answer is "no" on the Catechism and "I should" on the Bible. I don't actually own a copy of the Catechism. I've been borrowing from the library. It's been on my Amazon wishlist for (I kid you not) a couple of years now. One day. In the meantime, I really should quote the Bible more often because I have three copies of that and there is no excuse.

2. I should be more open about my failings as a Catholic. I don't know if you've noticed this about bloggers in general but very few of us actually own up to not being "perfect" Catholics. We want to present the best side of ourselves to the world. There's nothing wrong with that but I feel like it makes readers feel as though there's something wrong with them for not being on that level. I know I've felt that reading other blogs. I personally do own up to things I fail at (not as often as I would like) because that's who I am. I am far from perfect. Some of the priests who know me will say that I'm too hard on myself but I just don't want to make excuses for myself and I don't want to fall into a bad habit. I have days or weeks in which I don't keep up my prayers as I should or I do something sinful that's become a habit, such as the sin of sloth. I sometimes have a real problem procrastinating and doing things at the last minute because I have, unfortunately, gotten used to having all this free time on my hands. I waste a lot of time. It's horrible. I've had some really wonderful compliments in which people think I have it all together spiritually but I don't. I often forget to pray before and after my meals because it isn't something we did when I was growing up. Sometimes I think of things that could make me fall into sin and I get tempted to say "well, I can go to confession for it this week" (and thus sin because that's presumption of God's mercy) and that stops me... but I have weeks when it's a reoccurring mental struggle. It's these little things that I feel I should be more open about. We're all human and I want this blog to show that. We all make mistakes, but God forgives us and that's a beautiful thing we should never forget.

3. I'm stuck on what else to write so... here's a Blimey Cow video that I enjoyed. Guys, a lot of this is common sense but I still think y'all should watch. Maybe this will help us interact with one another. Don't worry, I have something planned for us gals soon as well. ;)



And now I'm off to be more productive... or at least try. ;) Hope y'all have a great day. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

So, I Fail. A lot. Often. But That's Okay.

I've been failing to do a lot of things lately. Keeping this blog updated? Massive, obvious fail. I missed St. Francis of Assisi's feast day, St. Teresa of Avila's feast day (but with good excuse), etc. Unfortunately this semester has been the hardest for all my fellow seniors and I and we all spend our free time playing "catch up on the reading." Studying for my Norse mythology midterm last week? Fail. Even though I crammed and was prepared enough, I blanked out from the information overload. I JUST caught up with all but one of my classes and that is only a day behind so it's doable. We had a "mid-semester" break which was spent sick with a bug (which kicked in on Norse mythology midterm day) and then catching up on coursework and doing midterm #3 of 5. No one that I know from my college had a break which pretty much tells you how intense things are. There are some other things that I've noticed I've been failing on as well.

One of the things that I have been getting better at is trying to have a social life... though I realized how much I needed to change some things this past Saturday. I was blessed enough to get the chance to spend some time with Miss Claire Christina of In Te Speravi on her short trip to Los Angeles. We spent 2 hours stuck in Hollywood traffic (oh but it was fun, lol) after picking her up from the airport. We got to chatting about a lot of things I normally wouldn't talk to my other friends about. After we got to our destination and I met some of her friends (and spent an hour chatting before I came back home), I felt so great. I felt so comfortable and so happy and I realized that that (a social life) is what I both need and want... yet fail at as well.

Now, I'm not knocking my friends. I love my friends dearly (and many are like my brothers and sisters) but I don't get to see them as often as I'd like because of location, work, or family responsibilities. And I've also been so used to spending the majority of my time at home that I don't know anything else. I spent 7 years of my life taking care of my father so all my "wild and crazy" years have been spent at home. I spent the year (last year) after my father's death in a numb mourning and I've just started feeling like myself again in the last couple of months. While I am shy (at least until I get to know people better and get comfortable to let the silly nerd flag wave), I do like making plans and going out my friends. Now that my anxiety is getting to the point where I CAN make plans to go out and not bail (unless I feel utterly uncomfortable in the situation for one reason or another), I do have that desire to go out and just hang out with my girl friends or even my guy friends since the guys seem to have more free time than us girls. lol. I am undoubtedly going to fail at some social things because I am so out of practice but that's okay.

It's okay that I fail because I learn from things I don't succeed at... and I'm stubborn enough to do things repeatedly (and allow myself to fail in the process) until I get it right. Blogging? I will get better at it. I seriously need someone to get all up in my grill if necessary to remind me of this blog not being updated every 3 days (at least). Studying? I over-studied at the beginning of the semester so I lost a lot of time. I now know what each professor wants so I know what to concentrate on. Midterm was the last of my wigging out and over-studying. lol. I will try harder to reassess my time management so I can get a study break at least twice a week for some blogging or free time for me. Social life? That's going to be a little harder. I have no idea where to start other than attending more Catholic Underground, Los Angeles events... though they are now over for the year. I don't know how else I'll try to better my social life but it's something to work on. I'm finally getting around to the idea of dating again for the first time in several years (again, I never had much time for it) and that is a whole different battle I will tackle when I get there. AND, the biggie, spending more time praying. With my crazy schedule, I barely have time to eat (or I'll read while I eat) and it sucks (pardon my language) because it's hurting my relationship with God. I fail at this, a lot, but I will get better at it and I know God knows that I try my hardest.

The older I get, the more comfortable I am with my flaws and with my limits. Accepting that I can't always do everything right (Little Miss Perfectionist is calming down, lol) and I embrace that. It's through trial and error that we learn, we grow, and we then get closer to God. I can now hear my confessor and the priests that have often told me to stop being so hard on myself rejoicing right now. lol.

Alright, well, I've designed half of my Mondays as "study break time" before the next one (Thursday evening). Depending on how my last two midterms go, I hope to write something Thursday. I think tomorrow is one midterm and the last one is due on Sunday (but I will work on it during the week to turn in early because I fail to rest of Sundays and want to work on that). Someone poke me on FB, write something on the Fan Page, or send me a message on twitter if you don't see an update by Friday afternoon. I give y'all permission to bug the heck out of me. lol.

Anyway, I hope y'all had a great weekend and those going through midterms make it through in one piece. ;)

As always, thank you so much for reading and God Bless! :D