"Do You See the Reflection of the Lord When You Look at Me?"

I have very vivid dreams. Those of you who've been reading this blog for years know that since I've shared quite a few over the years. Some are saint dreams. Some are dreams in which I talk to our Blessed Mother. In one, our Blessed Mother lifted me up (like a child) to hug her Son who was hanging on the Cross. I even had one about the end of the world. (Seriously, just search "dreams" on the blog and they'll come up.) The one I had this morning wasn't much different except that it's stayed with me.

Long story short, I was hearing a popular Catholic speaker giving their speech about... I don't remember what. All I remember was that, while I agreed with them on the subject, I was struck at how there was something wanting about the discourse. At the end (and before I woke up), I remember that I looked at them and said something along the lines of "... but do you see the reflection of the Lord when you look at me?"

The words were clearer when I woke up a couple of hours ago but the message has stayed with me: "Do you see the reflection of the Lord when you look at me?" It made me think about my own actions since I cannot speak for those who are more visible in the Catholic world.

I've been very blessed to meet a lot of great Catholic folks through this blog and social media, some offline. I've also been blessed to have been given the support by other well-known Catholics to make a little blip on the radar as a writer. I'm still a little nobody in the Catholic world (which works out for me because I'm a private person and because I don't have a thick enough skin to evangelize like others do) but I've been thinking about how my words and actions might reflect on others with whom I interact with on a daily/regular basis.

When I speak to them, do they see the reflection of the Lord? Can they notice His love and mercy... or do they see something else; something that makes them think I'm another religious hypocrite who says one thing and then does another? Do you ever think about that; about how you may be coming across to others who encounter you? I rarely did but I think I will make a conscious effort to be more mindful of my thoughts and my words.

I'm sure this dream was prompted by my reading of the Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales and (especially) How to be Happy, How to be Holy by Fr. Paul O'Sullivan. How to Be Happy... has been blowing my mind in terms of how I pray and how I think about the faith in general so I'm not surprised I had the dream I had.

Anyway, just some random thoughts I wanted to share with y'all. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Francis de Sales is Setting Me Straight

Did you ever start something but didn't finish it until much later than you anticipated which, in hindsight, was perfect timing? Have you ever wanted to send someone something -- a letter or a gift -- but didn't get around to sending it until days or weeks later, not knowing that they were struggling with something and that your gift arrived when they most needed it? That's what I'm experiencing with Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales.

I started reading it during Lent but didn't make it past page 44 for some reason. After I decided to give myself time to work on my relationship with God, I started rereading it and it feels like he's talking directly to me. So far, in the first 20 pages, he's touched on exactly what I recently went through and what I need to work on now.

St. Francis de Sales talks about giving up sinful ways, but how it's much easier to have the intention to give it than giving it up along with the affection for the sin, which tempts us and makes it easier for us to fall back into that particular sin.

"... there are penitents who forsake sin, yet without forsaking their sinful affections; that is to say, they intend to sin no more, but it goes sorely against them to abstain from the pleasures of sin;-- they formally renounce and forsake sinful acts, but they turn back many a fond lingering look to what they have left, like Lot'a wife as she fled from Sodom."

When I read this (pages 16-17 on my Kindle edition), I had this "aha! This is the first thing I need to work on" moment. Yep. You got me, St. Francis. I'm ashamed to admit it but that's exactly what happened in over the course of a year (July 2016 through last month) when a group I recently detached myself from became part of my social life and I began having second thoughts and (a bit of) regret over having given up the lifestyle I had from my teen years up to when I was 20, only a year before I reverted to the faith.

I knew that these people live in a way and do a lot of what is contrary to Church teachings but they presented everything in this attractive little package -- and they were all so nice despite what they did -- and I found it very hard to resist the temptation. I mean, I did -- which I'm sure was all the Holy Spirit and saints interceding for me -- but it did a lot of damage to my relationship with God because this all happened right after I cut toxic friendships out of my life and was in a vulnerable place. Needless to say, that led to my struggling with the faith and, well, if you've been reading this blog over the last couple of weeks, you know the rest.

"... If you seek to lead a devout life, you must not merely forsake sin; but you must further cleanse your heart from all affections pertaining to sin; for, to say nothing of the danger of relapse, these wretched affections will perpetually enfeebled your mind, and clog it, so that you will be unable to be diligent, ready and frequent in good works, wherein nevertheless lies the very essence of all true devotion."

I read this and I immediately went "... I have to give up *insert social media platform,* don't I?" It wouldn't be impossible but it would be hard for me because it's been helpful on my quest to repair my relationship with God. Still, there was a lot of temptation to slip up so I had to do something slightly drastic that I normally wouldn't do: I blocked everyone and whoever was associated with them to avoid seeing any of their updates on my feed. I unfollowed the core group of people weeks ago but weak little me used to say "Oh, that's a new picture that popped up on my feed... it'll just be a quick peek to see how they're doing." Some days were easier than others on this front. Some days my self-control is great. Other days (most days, let's be honest here), I'm too weak. That's why I knew I had to block everyone.

I hate blocking people on social media (I feel like rude doing it and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings) but I actually went ahead and spent quite some time going on a blocking spree. I know they won't notice but I've already noticed the big difference for me. My feed is quieter and I feel less stressed out. Most importantly, I don't get distracted or tempted to "check in" on anyone... because I can't. I've done all I can to make sure that temptation won't be there.

I can't allow myself to hate these people (I think I'm incapable of it, anyway) and I will pray for them. What was that quote (also by St. Francis de Sales) that I shared on the blog's FB page? "Love your neighbor with a great, charitable love, but befriend only those with whom you can be mutually supportive in virtue." It may sound harsh to some people but it's important to be careful about who you surround yourself with because they can either help lead you to Heaven... or help lead you astray. Learn from my mistakes, y'all -- especially you younger readers.

I feel like a terrible person for the blocking and everything I just wrote but I have to be honest with myself and know what needs to change in order for me to get back on the right track. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, my struggle with the faith took the biggest hit when I started feeling like I didn't have what I took to remain a faithful Catholic but being surrounded by the folks I was introduced to last summer only caused more problems.

I'm not blaming them because they didn't do it on purpose but having them in my life didn't help. I had to retreat a little, get back into more frequent contact with friends who are good for me (who challenge and inspire me and my faith), and now I'm making sure that I don't fall back into all of that mess. It will all make more sense once the third novel is out because I'm taking a lot of what I went through in the last year and incorporating it into the third novel. That's all I'm saying.

Earlier today I went to Adoration (First Fridays FTW!) and I just sat there and asked God to help me through whatever else I'm going to have to face in order to better my relationship with Him. I didn't want to leave Adoration (I rarely do when I'm there) but I had to because I knew I have a number of things to do that I couldn't put off. It was in that moment that I knew that I'm on the right track once again. I know a couple of local Adoration chapels that are opened either perpetual or, at least, are open during most of the day so I think I'm going to visit Jesus more frequently, and even take Introduction to the Devout Life with me.

I look forward to seeing what else St. Francis de Sales has in store for me. I know he'll help set me straight and that it'll be quite beneficial for me. Also, I'm sure that between him and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who've been my tag-team patron saints this year; they came out of nowhere, lol), I'm going to grow a lot in my spiritual life over the next couple of months. Who has two thumbs and is uber excited about that? This gal!

Alright, that's enough stalling. I have a couple more things to do -- including work on the novel -- so I should skedaddle and get to it.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a blessed weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Heart is Bursting with Joy!

"Oh no," I sighed as I looked at my mom. "I'm starting to feel sick... and the physical pains are worsening. My back and my legs are starting to hurt and cramp up."
"Do you want us to stay home?" she asked.
"No. I'll just take generic Tylenol and an extra water bottle in case I need them. We have to go..."

That's how our trip to a local parish for Mass and confession began. Two months was enough... I needed to go to Mass and confession. I've been feeling physically off for most of this past week -- falling asleep often and having weird physical pains -- but I was determined to go. After reading The Benedict Option by Rod Dreher and starting Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales this week, I felt even more courage than usual to, at least, attempt the drive.

"Let's try for confession and we'll stay for Mass if I feel okay," I told Mom.

We got in line half an hour later than usual and there a couple of people in front of us. The priest was running late and we would only have half an hour before confession time ended. I thought there wouldn't be enough time for all of us to get into the confessional, especially since we were last in line. "It's okay," I reminded myself. "At least I'm here and I'm trying."

As we waited for the priest to show up, the youngest daughter of the woman in front of us (in line) came to my pew (we all sat in pews while we waited) and gave me the biggest smile. She was maybe 2 years old. She would go back to her Mom and would wander around the church with a sibling trailing after her but she came back to my pew with the biggest smile a couple more times before her family left. There was something reflecting from her little face that struck me. It was a sense of overwhelming joy. I even thought to myself "it's almost as I'm seeing God's happiness through her little face; as if He were showing me that He's happy that I'm here."

Since I had a long list of things to confess -- things I had somehow remembered from my years away from the Church; big things that I don't think I ever confessed but needed to from when I was 18-20 years old -- I had everyone in line go before me. Though I knew there was a chance I wouldn't go in but I didn't want them to miss out because of the time I might be in the confessional.

I obviously won't say what I confessed nor what the priest said but let's just say that I wept. I cried because I felt the weight and the shame of my sins and then I cried thinking about God's love and mercy and how I had been forgiven, unworthy as I may be. The priest said something things that I could've easily imagined God saying to me through Him. Fear would be defeated and replaced by courage and trust, both gifts from God.

Though it wasn't our preferred Latin Mass, we still stayed for the Saturday Vigil Mass in case we can't make it to Latin Mass tomorrow. Yes, I'm going to try to go to that Mass as well. Oh, what a gift of tears I was given; I couldn't stop myself from tearing up during Mass. In the middle of the tears, I had an interesting observation and thought pop into my mind. As I looked up at the crucifix at the altar, I noticed how pale crucified Christ looked in comparison to all the other saint statues around the parish. The thought "He looks just like me; pale and weak. Yet it is through our weakness that we find strength" came into my mind, completely unprompted, and it surprised me. It's something I will ponder the rest of this weekend.

Though I wasn't able to receive the Eucharist (the last time I tried a regular gluten host, I was in physical pain for about a week or two; I have to wait to go to Latin Mass where they give low-gluten hosts for Celiacs), I made an act of spiritual communion in the pew while Mom went to receive the Eucharist. Cue more tears. lol.

My heart is bursting with joy! I'm grateful for the chance to go to confession and Mass. I'm grateful for the friends who prayed that I would go to Mass... and prayed that I would make it through both this evening. I'm grateful for the gift of courage that I was given, despite being in actual physical pain as we were leaving the house. I'm grateful that I felt well enough to make it through both confession and Mass, though I felt a bit off in line and then broke out in a sweat that made me feel like I was weak and being slightly suffocated prior to receiving absolution for my sins.

I don't think I'll ever be able to attend Mass or confession the same again. In a weird way, I'm grateful that I didn't go to Mass or confession for those two months because it made me appreciate the beauty of the sacrament and Mass in a way that I had forgotten. I'll never take either of them for granted again.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a couple more lecture videos and some reviewing to do before I attempt this week's exam. The exam is due on Tuesday but I hope to do it either tonight or tomorrow night so I can finish my research paper (which due on Friday) on time as well. :)

I hope you all have a blessed Laetare Sunday tomorrow (or today if you're in Europe or read this on Sunday). :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D