I'm Tired. I'm Angry. I Will No Longer Be Ashamed.

I know; I've gone weeks without updating. I have a good reason... which I wasn't going to blog about but I've reached the point where anger has taken over so now I feel like I have to speak out on this.

I stopped writing because I've been sick. Really sick. I know that, in the past, I've shared my health journey because some of you felt you could relate to it and no one else was talking about. A few months ago, someone I really admired and looked up to -- who shall be unnamed -- shamed me into not only staying quiet about it but also into deleting all my past posts about my health. Seriously, try to search for the posts; they're gone.

I won't go into details but let's just say that after our conversation, I felt ashamed for sharing my health journey -- which strongly ties into my spiritual journey. I felt like I was just asking for attention, even though I've never liked any attention and I thought that sharing my experience would help at least one other person who thought they were the only one struggling.

We live in a society that only posts "Instagram-worthy" pictures; who present perfect lives that seem unattainable and are envy-inducing. I wanted to be real and share the good that God has brought out in the middle of the bad. But, no. I was doing it for attention and, furthermore, "who's going to want someone who is always talking about her poor health? No guy will."  Ouch. Twist the knife a bit more because it didn't quite hurt the first time.

I've reached the point where I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for letting the person get to me. I'm angry that this has affected me in a much bigger way than I had wished. I'm angry that I've had to keep quiet and, basically, lie (by omitting what was really going on) to those closest to me.

No, I'm not okay. I was doing really, really well for a while and then, suddenly, my health took a massive nose dive. I haven't been okay for weeks. After a week of back-to-back bad news, I'm tired of having to plaster a smile and act like nothing's wrong. I'm tired, literally and figuratively. I have no energy left to keep up the facade.

There is beauty in suffering. I feel closest to God when my health is as bad as it is now. When I'm at my weakest -- mentally, physically, and emotionally -- is when I see the most spiritual growth. God has blessed me with my crosses (in the form of health issues and the loneliness that comes from being perpetually single and desiring a family) which have made me the woman I am now.

Do you know who I was before I got sick? I was a proud and vain girl. I hated who I was. Being sick has helped me rid of those terrible characteristics I always had growing up. I'm not fully where I want to be in terms of that -- I still have moments of pride and vanity -- but God has mercifully humbled me and continues to do so through these illnesses. If good things come out of my health struggles, I welcome them. I thank God for keeping me from a path that would've strayed me further from Heaven.

And, about the guy thing, you know what? If God wants me to remain single and always have that longing for a husband and children, I will offer it up for those who suffer. If I, as the person who shamed me into staying quiet said, end up single for the rest of my life because no man will want to help me carry my crosses, I know one man who will -- Jesus Christ. He didn't carry His cross and give up His life for nothing. I will just focus on my love for Him and unite my suffering to His. If there is a man, brave enough to accept me as I am, it will be a tremendous blessing but I am resigned to either outcome. It's about doing God's will, not my own.

So, no, I will no longer feel ashamed for sharing my faith journey and my health journey. If I want to ask prayers because I'm having a bone marrow biopsy on the 22nd (which I am; this is why I'm doing a double novena to Our Lady of Montserrat and St. Giuseppe Moscati, beginning today)... because my liver isn't functioning as it should... because my body is destroying my platelets and red blood count without any scientific explanation (which has my hematologist stumped)... because other things in my blood work came back abnormal... because I've been struggling with the depression that comes with everything I've gone through lately, I will.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest because I've been carrying it around for literally months and I was tired of it. I'm sorry for the rant but I just had to say it. Maybe now I will also be able to recover a bit better; not having to feel so alone and feeling like I should be quiet because no one cares about me or what's going on with me. Yes, I've felt that way for months.

Oh, and if you're wondering what this means in regards to my oblate retreat next month: I don't know. I got cleared by the hematologist to fly but not my primary physician. I should know (hopefully) tomorrow whether she also gives me the okay to go. In the meantime, I'm going to try to rest as much as I can, eat and sleep well, stay hydrated, walk for a minimum of an hour despite the fatigue (doctor's orders because my heart needs it), and keep my stress levels as low as possible so that my body can try to recover before the trip. I still plan on going, even if I have to find the additional funds to be able to afford a roomette on Amtrak if I cannot take a plane. If my doctor says I can't go, even on the train, I will refund anyone who wants their money back (from the GoFundMe fundraiser).

Anyway, now that I've given y'all an update and an explanation for my silence, I think I'm going to go take a nap. I've been feeling very exhausted -- I can't sleep enough hours in the day -- and I need to rest. I will gladly offer some of this up for anyone who could use the prayers.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

When the Obstacles Seem Insurmountable...

Lately, my life has been one long journey through a dark, stormy abyss. Think of Atreyu's journey in The Neverending Story. Instead of letting the Swamp of Sadness swallow me whole (R.I.P. Artax the horse), I've been doing what I can to keep myself afloat but it hasn't been easy.

As your regular blog readers know, it's been a hard time for my family. Between financial difficulties and a number of other problems (across the board; not just limited to Mom and me), it's been a long string of stresses.

I'm the one who keeps the household budget (I'm good with numbers and puzzles/conundrums) so I know the most about how bad our situation is. I try to cut out unnecessary expenses and try to figure out where we can save and where we simply cannot skimp. With random things popping up (e.g. unexpected car repairs), I'm constantly trying to figure out where we can come up with the money and what needs to wait until next month. It's a gigantic headache (sometimes literal) that I deal with at least twice a week.

Having no car has meant no confession or Mass. The nearest parish doesn't have Saturday confession and -- when it does offer confession -- it's too late in the day to safely walk to and from it so that makes going to confession hard as well. I hope to get my car back later today... and that the financial strain isn't too bad. We had to put off getting it repaired for a month (I've basically been stuck at home since mid-April) because we simply had no spare money that wasn't put aside for necessities. I got it towed to our mechanic's garage on Tuesday and I'm expecting a call at some point today to let me know the extent of the damage to our meager monthly savings. Please say a prayer it doesn't go over the halfway point of the triple digits because we won't be able to afford that.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it through x, y, z (because things happen in multiples, not one at a time) with my sanity intact. Worries on top of worries on top of worries. It's like an endless cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes all of these things also affect my spiritual life. If I'm not careful, the devil knows exactly how and when to attack. Not having been able to go to Mass and confession has only added to the hardships. I don't know why but I have a feeling that going to confession and receiving the Eucharist will somehow help. I'm not being superstitious; it's just a gut feeling that I have.

Thankfully, the consecration preparation, holy water, and my prayer life have helped... big time.

Every morning I do the Consecration to Mary prayer ("My queen, my mother, I give myself entirely to thee..."), which was recommended by one of our local FSSP priests when he came over to pray for me the day after my car accident a couple of years ago. Then I read the daily Mass readings, use the reflections sent to my inbox by Bishop Robert Barron and Blessed Is She. Then I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. During my consecration preparation, I've added the daily reflections in the 33 Days to Morning Glory book to this routine.

I also pray a variety of novenas, prayers, and/or the Rosary and the Rosary confraternity prayer throughout the day but, more often than not, I do them at night with my nighttime routine. Again, I use the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary and examine my conscience before I call it a night. If there is something I missed doing in the morning (e.g. consecration preparation or daily Mass readings), I will also do it at this time.

I make use of the holy water we were given by one of our local FSSP priests (when he's been over to the house to bless it for Epiphany) throughout the day. In the morning, before I leave the house (especially if I have to drive), at night... if I feel like I need it, I will use it.

I think I'm so used to my routine -- used to trying to cling to my faith during these times of chaos -- that if I miss something at some point, I feel more vulnerable in a way. Not to the point of superstition, scrupulosity, or anything like that. I just tend to notice any deviation from my routine... and it's this routine that helps remind me that I shouldn't be egocentric.

It's so easy to get caught up in your worries. I've personally found myself being pulled more into my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own hardships. I don't like that I think more about myself and what is going on with me than about others and/or about God... but it's hard. And, okay, I know some of my good friends are currently ready to file a formal protest for having said that -- I've even had priests tell me I'm too hard on myself -- but I truly feel selfish during these times and I don't like it. I think that's why I hold onto my prayer routine very closely; it's a good reminder that whatever I'm going through is not up to me to "fix."

Sometimes these obstacles seem insurmountable. That's when I have to remember that God is ultimately in charge of everything, not me. Never have the words "Jesus, I Trust In You" been uttered as much as they have in this household before. Never has putting my money where my mouth is been as important as it has been in recent weeks/month. Never have I have challenged in every way as I have lately.

1 Peter 5:7-10 has resonated so much as it has during these trials... especially when I was asked to wait to become a Benedictine oblate; to "revisit this in a couple of months to make sure this is what (I) really want." The evil one knows that this is what I most wanted lately and I won't let the small obstacle get and keep me down.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it feels like the walls are caving in around me. Yes, it oftentimes feels like things will never get better; that this is just what my life is going to be like from now on -- one bad thing after another. Yet, Scripture (and the saints) says otherwise. The only thing I can do is trust that God will get me through it and that He will give me the courage, the strength, and whatever graces are necessary to get through this time.

I don't see an end to all I've been enduring lately but I think about the heavenly reward that awaits if only I would get my act straight and that's enough to keep me going; to keep me fighting against temptations. It's hard. Some days I just feel like laying in bed and sleeping all day. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. Most importantly, I know that God has my back and that's worth everything.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts lately.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend as well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Sometimes You Need to Start Over

Hello, everyone! I'm sorry for the nearly 2-week radio silence (the last blog post about the novel sale not included). I've been going through a sort of a life do-over in most areas of my life. It would be too much to share in a single post -- and there is a lot I'm not sure I want to share just yet -- but let's just say that I needed these past two weeks to sort through a lot of things. I will share two major things though: my Mass attendance has been on point (yes!) and, on the suggestion of my new confessor, I've decided to sort of start over with my spiritual life.

First, I've made it to Mass AND confession for three consecutive weekends. Insert celebratory gif here. lol. It's been very disconcerting to look back and see how easy it was for me to develop terrible habits that caused me to sin much easier when I wasn't going to Mass more than once every 2 months. I try to take side streets when I feel a bit lightheaded (which, unfortunately, is still going on almost daily despite anemia no longer being an issue)... or even look for the last local Mass for the day (which I did two weekends ago) when I don't think it's safe for me to drive. I'm crediting the Holy Spirit for this (and a major decision I made recently). Yay, Holy Spirit!!

Second, I started going to confession (regularly) with a new priest and it's helped me out a lot. He gave me the advice to focus on my spiritual life during this summer since I have a nice 3-month break (now 2 months left) before the next phase of my plans (which I made with the help of the Holy Spirit and the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and St. Joseph) begin. I told him what I was going through and he suggested I take the summer to work on my spiritual life. In many ways, I'll be starting over again because I think I got stuck in a cycle of prayer or a way of thinking that was spiritually stifling me. My relationship with God was breaking down and it made it easier for me to miss Mass (even with legitimate excuses), to commit stupid sins, and just lose myself.

I actually came very close to, basically, throwing away the last 10 years of work in my spiritual life that I had done since my reversion. I will one day reveal everything that happened but let's just say that it wasn't until Mom and I did the novena to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati that things changed for me and I was able to break out of that apathy and depression. I literally fell into a deep depression last month and it took me about three weeks to break out of it. Things picked up with my wonderful health news and then a had another huge boost on my birthday (May 30th). And to think that -- if I remember correctly either had a dream about Bl. PGF or if he just kept popping up in my life -- I decided to do the novena to Bl. PGF on a whim and my mom decided to join me. After seeing the almost immediate results of the novena, she's now a fellow Frassati fan.

This summer, my plans are basically to keep myself healthy, work on my spiritual life, and working on things that had fallen into disrepair during my months of spiritual dryness/attacks. I started with working on cultivating more patience in my life a couple of weeks ago and now I'm working on that as well cultivating temperance which became a big problem for me in recently weeks (I was overindulging in things; I'll hopefully write about this next). I guess we'll see just how I do with these things since I'm pretty sure I'll be sharing what happens on this new adventure. :)

Has anyone had to do something similar to this? Having to sort of start over or restructure your spiritual life? Please let me know if you have and what helped you.

Alright, I think that's it for now. I hope to write more often in the upcoming weeks but we shall see if I actually do it. I've been working on my third novel and I can spend hours writing chapter after chapter. My imagination has been churning out a lot of ideas that I'm liking for the plot so I tend to just focus on them before the ideas escape. Someone, please remind me not to neglect the blog while I work on the novel. Please. lol.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and a great start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Four Months Without the Eucharist

I know some of you have already seen the tweet and picture I uploaded yesterday on Twitter; about how I received the Eucharist for the first time in 4 months yesterday. I also know that if you read the tweet, you know that I had gone so long without it because I had a gluten-free diet for months. When I received my blood work results earlier this week and saw that (despite consuming gluten in the multivitamins I was taking), my bloodwork came back better than it has been in years, I knew I would be able to receive the Eucharist again.

We had a theory that perhaps gluten was causing some problems (which could still account for my lower than normal platelet count) but I made the decision (since I was given the "okay" by the doctor) to receive the Eucharist again for the first time in months; ever since gluten was taken off my diet months ago. I will still limit wheat consumption in general since I feel physically better (with more energy; less fatigued) and mentally sharper. The latest doctor (in the hematology clinic) said that it's normal for human beings to feel more fatigued after consuming wheat but we're so used to it that we don't notice the difference until after we limit our consumption of it. This is a personal choice of mine based on the doctor's recommendation that I continue to only eat what helps me feel healthier/better. There is one thing I will refuse to give up from now on... and that's the Eucharist.

Ask me how many times I've attended Mass since the new year began. 3-4 total. Ask me how many times I've received the Eucharist in that period. Once. I hated it. I cried at least once during Mass when I was unable to receive it. You don't know how much your soul longs for it until you're unable to receive it.

Yes, there are low-gluten hosts (gluten-free hosts are invalid). Yes, I tried attending Mass with the FSSP priests because they offer low-gluten hosts. I even planned on going to the local church supplies store and buying a box of low gluten hosts to keep for when I went to Mass locally during the week or weekend when I couldn't go to Mass with them (this was on the recommendation of an FSSP priest). Sadly, most of the attempts to go to Mass (or even confession) often didn't happen. Last weekend, I even drove a third of the way before I got so lightheaded that it was no longer safe for me to drive. My mom was in the car with me but, still, we both decided to turn back home... and, even then, I had to stop only three blocks from our apartment because I was too lightheaded to continue. I was angry and annoyed that it had happened because that's what happens when you go so long without Mass or the Eucharist.

I don't know about you guys but the longer I go without confession, Mass, and (especially) the Eucharist, the harder it is for me to fight temptations, to keep myself from committing sin, and to keep living a faithful life. Once I hit about week 4-5 without, at least, confession, things that shouldn't come out of my mouth tend to come out of my mouth, even if it's involuntary. It's easier for me to lose my temper. It's easier for me to make a lot of mistakes that could be more easily prevented by a constant reception of the Sacraments.

This time around I went 8-9 weeks without confession or Mass; 4 months without the Eucharist. I tried to go to Mass but things came up -- bodily aches and pains, lightheadedness and/or dizziness, rides that failed to show up to pick me up to take me to Mass, etc. My spiritual life was abysmal most of those weeks/months. I had some really good periods in which the spiritual dryness produced good fruit but it wouldn't last for very long. There were times when I didn't want to pray but still did. I even struggled with a bit of depression for the majority of this month. Only the novenas to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati earlier this month and the Holy Spirit (which I finished yesterday) helped me get through some of the rougher patches. The Holy Spirit novena, in particular, really helped me try to make sense of what I was going through and helped me focus on what seems to be God's will for me.

Don't take the ability to receive the Eucharist and the Sacraments for granted. I learned that the hard way. I was hit with a couple of situations in which my temper was tested and I did end up "losing it" twice. Those two times happened on my way to confession and Mass. The anger even made me get a little lightheaded but I decided to press on. I don't think that was a coincidence. Literally less than 10 seconds out the confessional, the same person said something that would've made me lose my temper once again but, thanks to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I was able to talk myself down immediately and then spent a good 15-20 minutes in Eucharistic Adoration as I prayed for charity and clarity and let that would-be anger melt away. What a difference the Sacrament made. As soon as I received the Eucharist, I felt like myself again -- temper intact, with the ability to let things slide like old times. (side note: I'm normally pretty mellow so me losing my temper like I had in the past two weeks was a bit unusual for me.)

On this Ascension Sunday (for those whose dioceses moved it to today from Thursday), I urge you all to keep going to confession, Mass, and to receive the Eucharist as often as you can. A priest once encouraged me to frequent them often as they will help a person stay on the path to holiness. While I'm not attending Mass today (we went to the Saturday Vigil Mass yesterday), I do hope to go at least twice during the week and make it a goal to attend daily Mass more often in hopes that it helps keep me on the right path.

One more thing (a quote) before I end this blog post:

"What does Jesus Christ do in the Eucharist?... If you are in difficulties and sorrows, He will comfort and relieve you. If you are sick, He will either cure you or give you strength to suffer so as to merit heaven… If the Devil, the world, and the flesh are making war upon you, He will give you the weapons with which to fight, to resist, and to win victory." - St. John Vianney

I hope you are all having a blessed Sunday and that you enjoy the long Memorial Day weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

God Keeps Surprising Me

If you've prayed for me recently -- especially in the past couple of days -- I want to say a massive "thank you!" I know some of y'all stepped up your prayers after you read my last blog post in which I wrote about being diagnosed with an acute kidney injury due to the dehydration. After my follow-up yesterday, the first thing I thought of when I was told that my kidneys were back to normal (at 0.9; normal is 0.6-0.9) was that I have amazing friends.

Yes, my kidneys are back to normal though on the high end so I'll have to keep drinking loads of fluids and eating salty foods because my sodium level is a bit low. My red blood count and platelets were higher. White blood cells are in normal range. I hope with the vitamins and minerals I was prescribed, I will continue to recover. My weight has been stable for the past 6 months and has been normal for the first time in 4 years. Recovery mode, on it. ;)

God keeps surprising me in wonderful ways. I was completely surprised and overwhelmed by the amount of love and prayers I received this past week. Yes, I'm tearing up even as I type this because it was a kind of love and support I haven't seen since my father passed away 7 years ago. Words of encouragement, prayers... I definitely felt them. The quick recovery mode? Another way I see that God still loves me, even if I'm stuck on the struggle bus.

In all honesty, I still struggle with the spiritual dryness I've had for several weeks but through your continued prayers it's so much better than it was three weeks ago. I know it's a slow process that requires prayer and patience that I'll gladly endure because He is worth it. Eliminating choices that would've pulled me further away from the God and the Church, relying more on prayer than my own (over-analytical) mind, and being surrounded by supportive friends has greatly helped. Forgiving those who've been unkind (and even emotionally abusive) towards has also been a massive help to combat the dryness. Despite all of this, I'm not fully out yet.

I still feel a disconnect between God and myself but a deep desire to remedy it has began to burn. Don't feel like praying? I keep praying, even if it's forced at times. I keep reading books on vocation and prayer. I keep veiling and keeping my head covered during Mass and adoration. I haven't been to Mass for the past three weekends because I've been stuck in bed but I've felt the urge to go more intensely lately. I even pushed myself to drive to confession last weekend when I should've stayed home because the dehydration symptoms were getting worse. Don't drive while dizzy, kids! Though I may feel spiritually empty, I hope that my attempts still show my love and respect for Him. I don't "feel" the love but I know that I do love Him or else I wouldn't even be trying. Feelings (or lack thereof in this case) can be false and misleading so I'm basically ignoring them when it comes to my spiritual life right now. I'm going to keep going, no matter what. Mama and daddy didn't raise no quitter. lol.

Though I can't seem to concentrate on or even "feel" what I'm praying on a daily basis, I still see glimpses of God's love for me. Even if it's for a split second, I'll be surprised by those little moments. I may be praying something (rosary, chaplet, Little Office, etc) without much feeling or energy but then something will happen that breathes life into the rest of my time in prayer. I'll be sitting in the adoration chapel (haven't had the physical strength to kneel), feeling spiritual numb, when a memory will trigger a feeling of love and/or peace. I definitely felt it this week through the prayers that were said for me. I couldn't pray at the hospital (even when I tried) but I still felt His love through the actions and words of others. Keep surprising me when I least expect it, God. I love it. Even if it's surprises like "S'prise! You're going back to your alma mater after saying 'peace out, suckers!' and that you'd never return 4 years ago." lol. Keep challenging me. It's how I'll continue to grow. :D

Alright, I need to go finish two assignments that are due this weekend so I'm going to stop here.

I hope y'all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Spiritual and Physical Updates

Just a quick update for y'all.

Spiritually I've been feeling a lot better lately. Ever since I made the decision to not return to the entertainment industry (writing screenplays and acting), I've felt more at peace and my spiritual life has been slowly getting better. I also made a decision regarding my personal life that has helped this tremendously since I figured out that this particular thing was the cause of my being pulled away from the faith. I'm starting to feel connected to the Church again. I feel as if God is still with me, even through the crummy times. That's something I couldn't have said a couple of days ago. Prayer isn't feeling forced any longer (though there are still temptations to do something else rather than pray) but I'm still having trouble concentrating but it could be caused by my physical state.

Physically I've been feeling worse. I was on the mend for a while -- even looked into taking dance classes since I missed dancing and I was doing well -- but I've suddenly become weak and fatigued like I've never known. The last time it was this bad was when I was about 19-20 and I had dairy for the last time. Not sure if the anemia is back, if the platelets plummeted, or if it's something else (food allergies will make me feel like this for a while; could be possible cross contamination with food in recent days). It's gotten to the point where even sitting is a struggle for me because of how weak I feel. It's only been in the last couple of days that I've felt this -- less than a week. I have my next doctor's appointment next Tuesday so we'll see what's going on then (most likely get blood drawn). Right now I'm going to guess it could be depression since I am displaying some of the physical symptoms and I did just go through an emotionally charged month. Yes, an entire month see previous paragraph as well as this post.

Anyway, like I said, just a quick update. I'm going to go pray a little bit more since I'm home alone and it's quiet -- good thing about the kids having returned to school, peace and quiet. lol.

I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Dealing with SADness

Sorry for the lack of blog posts in the past couple of days. We've been going through very rough, personal problems as a family (and would greatly appreciate any prayers you can spare) and it's gotten me a bit down. Of course, dealing with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) doesn't help either.

Lately I've been feeling, well, a bit depressed. I finally have my sleeping schedule back to normal but now I'm oversleeping. I've been eating much better lately but I find myself famished just two hours after eating. I don't really want to leave the house or do anything. I get bored easily and my concentration is shot. My anxiety's returned after nearly a year of having virtually no anxiety. I'm crying way too easily. I mean, I am a sensitive gal and all but I don't generally cry as easily as I have lately. After seeing the "On this Day" memories on Facebook I noticed that I had very similar statuses in previous years. "I'm in need of a hug... and tea... and possibly a nap" a status from two years ago read. I could've very easily written that a year ago or even today.

Looking back, I've noticed that I do tend to feel down during this time. Actually, it usually starts around mid to late autumn and goes through late winter. The pattern is there, without a fail. The shorter months of the year end to make me feel gloomy. As soon as the days get longer and the sunshine is more abundant, I seem to bounce back. I don't think it's a mere coincidence. Simply put, I think my body is missing some vitamin D and that's what's making the SAD worse lately, especially with all the rain and how much I've been inside.

If you're wondering how this is affecting my spiritual life: the dryness wants to set in. I'd rather watch TV or do something else than pray. Do I want to feel this way? No, but it's the reality of it. When you're feeling down, you just don't want to do things like pray or even getting out of bed. It doesn't mean that I don't do it... it just takes me a bit longer than usual to get to it. I'm trying though. I went to confession for the first time in a month this weekend. I haven't missed Mass in a couple of weeks. I haven't missed my daily prayers or Rosary, even if it means I'm falling asleep as I do them.

We do get little periods of sunshine in the house throughout the day, when it's not cloudy nor rains. As an experiment to test my "lack of sun is making me feel low" theory, I'm going to try to get up just a bit earlier and head straight for the kitchen and living room, even if it's cold and my bed feels wonderfully inviting. Since the kitchen and living room have east-facing windows, I'm going to open the curtains and blinds as much as I can. When the sunlight streams in through the living room window, I'm going to have tea time picnics in that little area where the sunlight can actually hit my face. I'll have a snack and play some big band music (my happy music). When I'm ready to move onto something else -- whatever it is that I have to do -- I'll do it. In the afternoon when my west-facing bedroom gets the light, I'm going to get some reading or writing (snail mail) in. I'll once again open the curtains and blinds as much as I can and park myself on the couch (yes, I have a couch in my room) and sip some tea while I read or write. I'll do that for a while until I need to do something else.

"Wouldn't it be easier to just go outside?" Yes, it would but the mechanic is dragging his feet when it comes to fixing my car (it was supposed to be done nearly two weeks ago) and I don't live in the safest neighborhood (crime rate seems to be going up) so going out for a walk -- especially by myself -- is not the best option for me right now. When mom has her days off from work, we plan on getting out somewhere... even if we have to take public transportation.

Have I had the easiest time lately? Nope. Like I said at the beginning of the blog post, not only am I dealing with SAD but my mom's been going through a very difficult time. Despite our opposing temperaments, I'm still very close to her so what she's been going through has greatly impacted me. I really don't want to make this about me though. She's the one who is going through the worst of it, all I'm doing is being there for her because it's all I can do.

It hasn't been all bad though. There has been good news lately. After a trip to the ER on Friday night (long story short: painful stomach cramps due to something I had for dinner that night) I found out that my platelets were within normal range as were my white and red blood count. Not sure how that happened in a month's time but it's been wonderful and has helped exclude anemia (which I no longer have!) and platelets as culprits of my fatigue and general malaise.

My attempted at limited time on social media has been going okay. I've done well with just 45 minutes of Twitter and FB on my Chrome browser. I've also purposely cut back my time online by not allowing myself to charge anything during electrical peak hours. Once the laptop and iPod touch have been drained of battery life, that's it until the base hours return. I'm going to get myself a Kindle Paperwhite with the anticipated tax refund so I don't keep draining my iPod touch battery. Baby steps have been working well. The only thing is that I'm finding it harder to limit social media because of how depressed I've felt lately. However, I'm committed to kicking my social media addiction in the virtual tush so it's just something I'm going to have to learn to deal with. Again, baby steps. :D

Anyway, that's the update from Emmyland. It's been a lot of blah times but some steps forward in the addiction and health fronts. I'm sure once I figure out how to deal with the SAD (acronym is apropo, no?) symptoms, things will look a little brighter. Yes, that's the eternal optimist in me talking again. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Confession: I Have Mild Depression

I've been trying to fight the symptoms for a while now but it's come to the point where I have to admit it: I have mild depression... and it stinks. Yes, the doctor has confirmed that I have been displaying the symptoms of depression for several weeks but I still tried to keep myself going.

I have the symptoms of atypical depression. I'm oversleeping during the day after not being able to sleep (or getting up quite often) at night. I'm super hungry most days. I've had the urge to cry at least once a day for the past couple of days for no obvious reason, though tonight was the first time I actually cried in weeks. I just want to stay in bed some days, mostly due to extreme fatigue. Sometimes my body feels like lead; my arms and legs feel heavy. My concentration is shot. I forget things on occasion. On most days I can distract myself... but some days are hard. Tonight has been the worst day/night in several weeks. I try to fight it, of course, but it's still a struggle.

I think that being sick for so long has caused this. Every day I wake up and see how pale I am -- and how dark the circles under my eyes are -- and it stays on my mind for most of the rest of the day. When I get weighed (once a week), I see that I make little to no progress in gaining weight despite the amount of calories I eat. All of that contributes to it.

I push myself every day. I push myself to get out of bed despite my exhaustion... to try to get all the nutrients and calories I need to help try to combat the anemia and other stomach issues (which the doctors have yet to figure out the root cause for)... to leave the house and do everything I have to do (errands and whatnot), etc. I've been consistently sick for almost 3 years now. I know it's a cross I have to bear and I while I accept it, I still feel sad. No amount of logic can make the emotions turn off.

Please don't begin saying "it's okay. Take it up to God." "Don't worry, God has this." All those words, while lovely and true, don't help how I feel because it feels like you're saying I'm not trying hard enough; like my feelings should not exist and that I should know better. I know God is with me. I know that when I feel like I have no one else (a sneaky thought that pops into my head from time to time though I know it's not true, it still comes up), I know I have Him. I pray. I try to give myself some comfort knowing that He won't leave me during this time. It has nothing to do with any lack in trust or faith in God. I DO trust Him and I do have a lot of faith that things will get better, but I still want to cry and I still feel sad. That's just how depression works.

The reason why I had stayed silent about this is because people immediately want to "fix" me... or make my depression about themselves, making me feel I'm a burden and/or not worth listening to. Yes, I'm talking from experience. However, I'm fairly open about what I go through because I hope that someday someone struggling will find this post and will be encouraged to keep going.

I'm lucky in so many ways. I've never been suicidal. I'm never harmed myself (nor do I want to). I can still have faith and hope despite how I feel at times. My depression isn't intense as others experience it... but it's still there. I pray that St. Dymphna will help me get out of this little hole and that those who are worse off than I am feel God's love during their darkest moments.

So, there you have it: my nickname is Emmy and I'm currently struggling with depression. I will pray for those who are currently in the same or similar boat.

Anyway, I just wanted to open up about this and share my thoughts and feelings with y'all.

Now I'm going to try to do... something. I'm not really in the mood to do anything but I know I have to so I won't dwell on how "blaaaah" I feel.

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

A Change is Gonna Come

Yes, I had the Sam Cooke song in my head when I thought of the title. ;) While the change is not the same one that Sam Cooke was singing about, I am going through a number of changes and I am optimistic that it will be for the best in the end.

I'm going to start off with the bad changes first. You guys know how I have been having stomach problems since late July-early August of last year? Well, thankfully, I've been able to eat more foods, like fries and fried chicken, though I still can't tolerate many acidic foods. The bad news is that I somehow managed to lose an extra pound so I'm unfortunately underweight at this point. I just found out yesterday (I hadn't been weighed in days). My first reaction was to cry and freak out, but I didn't. I looked at the positive: at least it took 2 months to lose a single pound instead of a week or two like it was two months ago AND all I have to do is just snack more often. I know it's because I hadn't been eating enough calories due to lack of appetite and feeling fullness in my stomach. The good news in all of this is that 1) my pre-stomach problems appetite has been back this past week (which means I'm always hungry and snacking) and 2) yesterday was the first time that I was able to get enough calories (that I counted, anyway) to hopefully start gaining weight. It's going to be a slow progress but I have to be patient. I can do this, no matter how exaggerated some people's comments may be. Seriously, just don't say anything if it's not comforting or supportive. I know God will help me along the way and that's all I need.

Okay, now the good changes. I've been reading this great book called Interior Freedom by Fr. Jacques Philippe (which my good friend, Kerri, sent me for Lent). Though it's a short book (only 134 pages), I'm taking my time reading it because there are a lot of great things that have spoken to me and have made me want to slow down and really think. A lot of what's in the book relates to having anxieties, worries, etc. As I read it, I make notes and reflect on how it'll help me with my anxiety. You know how I wrote that I wanted to cry and freak out over my weight yesterday, but didn't? That's because I took what was in the book and applied it to the situation. Instead of worrying about it and having a full blown panic attack, I just said "Okay, this is happening now. This can be fixed. I have full faith in God that He will help me get out of this situation" and then I let it go. Just like that. Sure, anxiety wanted to creep up on me for the rest of the day but I would say the same thing and then shift my attention elsewhere.

The biggest change within me these past couple of weeks has been growing to trust God more than I have in the past (which is completely necessary in order to grow spiritually) and letting go of my fears. Fears are the driving force behind my anxiety and PTSD. Fear that I won't do a good job on an assignment. Fear that I will lose my mother like I did my father. Fear that I will get hurt somehow. Fear of this. Fear of that. That's absolutely no way to live. Of course, I've gone through traumatic experiences (which resulted in my having a PTSD diagnosis) but I am not going to let it slow me down or define me. I know I'm going to have some off days in which I want to lock myself in my room and not come out but I'm not going to do that. I haven't been doing that. If something gives me anxiety, I still go ahead and do it. I shake as I do it (shaking comes from fear/anxiety) but I still do it. I place all my trust in God and I go forward. And all of this courage comes from the reflections I make while reading the book. (btw, if you suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, worries, etc, I HIGHLY recommend reading the book.)

In the nicest, most charitable way I can think of, I'm going to say that my therapist has not been the right fit for me. I am sure she helps other patients with her methods but we just don't mesh so I haven't been able to get anything out of the sessions. I have gotten more out of the book than I do the sessions (which are ending next week). My faith is the biggest part of who I am. I chose this. When I am asked to identify myself, I say I'm first Catholic and Mexican-Spanish (possibly Irish) American second. I truly believe that the answer to my getting better (both physically and mentally) is in the Lord. I'm not saying "doctors and therapists can't do nothing for me" or anything like that. They are here on earth to help us in whatever way they can help but, if I am given a choice of trusting someone who uses my faith or morals against me or trusting that the Lord will guide me while I find the right person to help me (if it's not something I can do on my own), I'm going to trust Him and place all my worries with Him. And this realization has been huge for me because I'm a worrier by nature and I have often thought that some of my problems just needed concrete evidence as an explanation.  No more. More trusting and letting go and less worrying.

This blog post has gone in a different direction than I intended but, what can you do? Sometimes you just need to write things out without having a clear idea of what you want to share.

Anyway, I need to go pick up my mom from work (poor mom has been having problems with one foot and can barely walk at the end of the day). Sorry for the long post. ;)

If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. If you're celebrating St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, remember not to go too crazy as we're still in Lent. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

A Time for Inner Reflections

I've spent nearly two weeks sick and, I have to say, I'm getting tired of it for several reasons.

Whoever said that people who dealt with anxiety and/or depression just needed to "get over it" is in need of some sensitivity training AND actual knowledge of the diseases. It dawned on me, during the time I've spent away from twitter and Facebook, that I was experiencing the physical symptoms of depression... and that they'd started the day after the last time we went to visit my father's grave. I had almost all of the symptoms: daily headaches, chest pain that came and went, digestive problems (a lot of nausea), extreme fatigue, change in weight (I went down from 128 lbs prior to my father's death to 117 lbs -- underweight for me since I'm 5'7" -- after his death), and A LOT of lightheaded and dizziness. Though I've never been diagnosed as being depressed (the two times I've been "tested", I've come out as being quite optimistic and in good spirits), I thought it was an interesting that I'd made the connection between the symptoms and the illness. The doctor said I was either going to come down with the flu (which I didn't) or I had something else (which, again, I didn't). My self-diagnosis seems to be the correct one because once I thought about it, and tried to change it, I DID begin to feel better. I'm sure St. Dymphna helped when I started asking for her intercession again.

I actually had another realization during my time away that I think most people have struggled with: I had become too busy and my life was too scheduled... and most of it was not worth it. The stress and anxiety should've been my first clues but I had ignored them. This is the first time I've had to deal with this. My life had become all about school, helping my parents, and taking care of my father that I had forgotten what it was like to have time to do things for myself. Instead of taking the time to do things I enjoyed (hobbies), I ended up throwing myself into work that was time consuming and not fulfilling. After watching Bright Star and being given encouraging words that really breathed new life into me, I began to re-think about what path I'd been on and what I needed to change.

After trying to get out, and having someone in particular basically drag me out of the house to take a walk every day, I started feeling much better. I actually didn't mind being away from the social networks. I also began to concentrate more on my prayer life (which has recently begun to flounder). I developed a nice, steady pattern in my week. I studied more often than not. I learned how to better manage my time and priorities. The creativity began to flow. Things I prayed about were finally given answers. Most importantly, I started to feel like the person I loved being -- the person who, while was suffering through aches and anxiety, felt very close to God. Maybe the time I spent in bed, feeling horrible, was to remind me not to lose myself in something not worth it... and to remind me that it's okay to do things I want to once in a while.

I think I will continue to take some time away from twitter and Facebook once in a while to reflect on things. I hope to do one of the retreats they have for women every couple of months to center myself again. I hope the way I am feeling lasts for a while because I often lose it when life gets hectic. I've already recognized what I need to change and what causes me to stray even the slightest from the path I want, and I think God wants, for me. See what a little time away from social networks can do for you? lol.

Alright, I guess that's it. I have studying to do for my Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam course. It's a mouthful isn't it? lol. I hope y'all have a great weekend (or had if you're reading this after).

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Missing Mass; Prayer Updates: St. Timothy, St. Dymphna, & St. Martha.

I feel very childish today. Why? Because I cried when I found out I wasn't going to make it to Mass. Mom comforted me (as she always does) saying that things happen for a reason and that God knew that I wanted to be in Mass but couldn't.

See, I had my Oceanography class today. I'm taking a fast paced 8-week Oceanography course that meets once a week on Sundays. I had already planned on leaving early so I could make it to my usual Mass (last English Mass at my parish). Luckily, the professor let us out an hour early since it was the first meeting. I was excited because it meant we would be able to make it to Mass. We stopped at a Target on the way to kill a little bit of time. BIG mistake. When it came time to leave for the parish the car failed to start. Dad took some time trying to find a gas can and then to walk to the gas station. By this time, it was about 15-20 minutes into the Mass. I still had hope we could rush there and at least make half of it. Dad comes back with the gas and then... the car STILL won't start. He then decided to ask people if they would give a jump start to the car's battery in case that was a problem. Quite a few people said no until a woman took pity on us and brought her truck to help. I'm glad we had the jumper cables or else it might've been even more difficult to find help. We finally left the Target parking lot around the time the Mass would've ended. I ended up in tears on the way home.

So, as you can see, it was a pain and it wasn't like I didn't want to go to Mass, I just couldn't because of the car stalling. This is something I always do -- the tearing up. I always get really sad when I can't make it to Mass. *sigh* I'm even MORE bummed out than usual because I had dedicated the Mass as a thanks to Our Lady of Guadalupe and St. Timothy for their intercessions. (Though I will keep why I gave to Our Lady to myself. That's between her and I. :D)

For those of you who have read my blog long enough, you know how I suffered from an intestinal virus (which I got around the time I started traveling) a few months ago. It took about 2 months for it to completely leave my system. It totally threw my digestive system out of whack. I started asking St. Timothy for his intercession (since he is the patron saint of digestive and intestinal problems) and it started getting better. Thankfully, I'm back to normal now and my way of saying "Thank you" to St. Timothy was the Mass. Oh, and while I'm publicly saying thanks to St. Timothy (WHOO!) I want to update some of you on other miracles other saints have done recently.

To further prove how amazing St. Dymphna is (my anxiety is virtually gone now!), I have yet another miracle she's done for someone else. A few months ago, in May, I wrote about the husband of a friend/co-worker of my mother's (Roadtrips, Relationships, Tests, and Prayers Everywhere -- second to last paragraph). Remember how I mentioned he was suicidal? Well, they kept tabs on him and he actually DID read the prayer daily. It seems to have really helped him! He's back to his old self, pre-suicide attempts! It made me SO happy to hear that and I hope that others will see that prayer works! Depression, anxiety, panic disorder, etc; just pray for her intercession and St. Dympnha will help you out. :D

Also, St. Martha has helped my mom out a lot lately at work. Mom said both times she's asked St. Martha for her intercession, it seems like either the time has flown or like there wasn't much heavy labor work to do in the first place.

You can always go straight to Christ and ask him for help or you can find the saint that's the patron of a particular thing and ask them for their intercession. Either way, prayer works... and boy, does it! :D

Alright, well, I have to go read/finish "Beowulf" for my English Lit class tomorrow. Oy, I don't even want to think about how long the day will be. lol. :D I hope everyone had a nice weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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A Little Update

Oh, my lovely dears, Miss C.N.W. has not been well lately. After an amazing day last Sunday, my health has declined and it stinks. It's not even just me... it's my mother as well. My mom has acute tonsillitis which has made her miserable. I don't exactly know what's wrong with me but it's no doubt something anxiety related. I've been very weak (I can't really walk and I feel like passing out most of the day). My anxiety's gone up a lot lately... but it's more of a type of depression because the water works have been opened almost daily and I've gone through a lot of tissues. It stinks. I missed Mass today because I don't feel like I can stand up and walk long enough to make it through the entire Mass (not to mention that I had a mini sob-fest/anxiety thing a few minutes before we had to leave for Mass). Ugh. What I hate more than being sick is missing Mass. :(

As you might have guessed, I missed one of my weekend trips. I was able to make one of them on Friday but it was a day trip so it wasn't too bad. I did NOT have fun though... unless lack of sleep, lack of food, panic attacks, crazy hot weather, and the notoriously bad Southern California traffic is your idea of fun. lol. We're going to wait until both my mom and I are well enough to go on the second one and visit her family in her home country... well, the home country of her family's (my mom's technically American). I'm definitely looking forward to that.

I don't know when I'll be able to come back online and write a legit blog. Hopefully I'll get better soon. I'm sure all my prayers to Our Lady of Guadalupe will be answered. Actually, I'm sure of it. I asked her to give me anxiety (which I didn't have for a long while) in exchange for my mom's health... and I've been getting more anxious as my mom's been getting better. I got a lecture from my mom not to do that again. (Yes, even at 23, my parents -- as well as my older brother -- feel the need to give me lectures). Oops. lol. Hey, it's worth it because I, at least, know that what I get is anxiety and I am so used to it, I can handle it.

I hope everyone is doing well. :D Don't worry about me, sooner or later I will get better; a giddy, happy, healthy me is a fearsome thing to behold. Y'all have been warned. lol. I'm not too worried about being sick because I've placed myself in God's hands and know He will take care of me. :D Whooo! lol. :D

Alright, I think I need a nap because I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded and kind of loopy. Oh yeah, great fun. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

P.S. A happy 23rd birthday to one of my best girl friends and a happy 25th birthday to one of the nicest guys I've ever met!! :D
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