Impatience and My Plans vs God's Plans

Happy traditional feast of St. Benedict! I finished the novena for his intercession last night... but I won't tell you what I asked for until a bit later. ;)

Obviously, this "daily blogging" thing isn't going to work out this Lent. Boo! I really wanted to do it but God seems to have other plans for me, a theme that has been recurring for me these past 2 weeks. Well, longer than that but it's been more obvious lately. I make plans and God seems to have other plans for me... and that's perfectly fine.

I have plans to do all my work early in the week... other (slightly more important) things pop up, causing me to not write a single thing until the due date. Thankfully, I know what I'm going to write; I just need to find the time to write and submit the posts.

I have plans to blog... I end up not even touching my laptop for a couple of days due to all the things that pop up. Thankfully, I don't think anyone actually minds so I'm good.

I have plans to attend Mass on Monday afternoon... and I end up going to Mass Tuesday evening. Not that I minded; I ended up going on St. Joseph's feast day with good friends!

I plan to go to the library to return a book on Sts. Louis, Zelie, and Therese... and I'm met with lightning and thunder, forcing me back home until the following day. Yes, I paid the fine for being a day late, too. It ended up working out for me since I got to read more of the book.

I plan on getting a certain ingredient for something I'm craving... and I can't find it anywhere. Oh well. I ended up getting something else with more iron and other vitamins and will probably be better for me in the long run.

All of these are good reminders that my plans are never as good as God's plans for me. I've seen it before, several times. The most dramatic was me not being able to attend university in England as was planned, not knowing that my father would be diagnosed with cancer for a second time... and not knowing he would pass away from it.

Another costly example was me feeling that God was calling me down a certain career path and me, very obstinately, saying, "But God, I/my family needs X, Y, Z and I can't see how going down that path is going to help so I'm going to do A and/or B." I'm literally paying for that terrible mistake (read: student loans).

I'm currently struggling with having patience and trusting God in two areas of my life: where I am to become a Benedictine oblate and with the pangs of loneliness.

I've been discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for over a year now and it's not really going anywhere. It's very frustrating, especially since I've never been more certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I talked to a priest I very much trust on the feast of St. Joseph (of all days!) and he agreed that it would be best for me to attach myself to a more traditional Benedictine monastery. That meant I had to discard the possibility of discerning with the monastery within the  L.A. archdiocese... and keep waiting to hear from one of the monasteries I've reached out to in the past year. One is within the U.S. and two are abroad. That means traveling... but I just don't know where I'm headed. It's hard to stay stagnant when you're sure of something...

... which is also how I've been feeling about my (large v) vocation. I'm the first to joke about being single and to admit that I'm actually pretty content being single but it's changed a bit recently. I'm sure it's because it's Lent but I've been feeling that pang of loneliness quite intensely these past two weeks. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move forward no matter how much I try (and, trust me, I've tried despite my dislike of dating). I know it's all about God's timing but my human nature is feeling the ache and it's been weighing heavily on my heart, especially today. I'm sure reading about the lives of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin this week didn't help very much. Not that I blame them -- they gave me major "relationship goals" -- but it's so hard to see (or read about) those who've been able to grow, spiritually, thanks to their taking their vocations seriously.

Is anyone else feeling the impatience of waiting for whatever God has in store for you more acutely during Lent? It doesn't even have to be a discernment to a third order or waiting for your future spouse. It can be waiting for a job promotion, for a child, or news on something important to you. If so, let me know (you don't have to tell me what it's you're waiting for) and I'll add you to my prayers list.

Anyway, just a quick little blog about my struggles so far this Lent. It seems like it's going to quite the "Lent-y Lent," doesn't it? lol. Oh! And please don't send me a cliche "trust God" and "all in His own timing" comment because 1) yes, I know, 2) I'm trying, very, very hard and 3) it actually makes me feel worse, not better.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

(Foot-Tapping) I'm Not Impatient

(Note: this post is a continuation of yesterday's blog post.)

I'll admit normally a bit impatient when it comes to my health, financial, and academic/career issues. I'm patient with everyone else and their problems but I fail to do the same for me. Lately, I've been trying to practice more patience in all areas of my life, especially when it comes to taking care of myself. If I feel run down, I rest. If I feel sleepy, I nap. If I feel hungry (and it's close to lunch or dinner), I snack lightly. If I feel overwhelmed by something, I try to remind myself that it's not as important as I'm making it out to be. If I feel rushed/pressured to make a decision quickly, I remind myself that I'd rather take my time and "be late to the party" than do something that may be the opposite of what God wants for me. This last one has been the biggest temptation/struggle for me lately.

I like to have my ducks in a row. I like to have a clear path on how I'm supposed to move forward. I intensely dislike being stagnant. I like to have some sense of what the near future is holding for me. After I decided to take a break from studies (and I asked for an academic leave of absence instead of withdrawing completely), I immediately wanted to figure out what God wanted me to do. I drove myself a little crazy that first week because I wanted to figure things out ASAP. I was tempted to do a Holy Spirit novena right away but I held off until I felt it was the right time. Instead of jumping in, I took the first two weeks off and tried to relax. Tried is the key word. Not doing anything goes against my "need" to keep busy because I get bored easily. Still, I knew I needed the break and I tried not to feel guilty about not doing much.

I've looked into jobs to pay off my student loans. I've looked into other careers that I could do without an additional degree. I looked into shifting my focus back on my writing career. Along the way, none of those options have seemed like something I needed to explore. My focus had to be refocused once more on my health; on eating and sleeping well. I had to exercise a ton of patience with myself and, really, with God.

For about the past month or two, I've had no clarity on what God wants me to do. I've had zero plans for my life. I've been trying to go with the flow because I've learned that sometimes what we need is to have a lot of patience and a lot of trust. I was hit with a bit of depression earlier this month (though that's felt more like a spiritual attack than anything else) but I've still tried to keep myself focused on what I've felt God wants from me -- to take care of myself so that I can be ready for whatever is next in my life.

How is this tied to yesterday's good news? I've had to wait years to get good news about my health; 4-5 years to be exact. I've gotten so impatient at times -- especially when this particular cross has seemed too heavy for me to continue carrying it -- but I've kept praying and I've kept my sad attempts at trusting God always on my mind. Even Monday's hematology appointment had me exercising patience; they didn't call me into a room to get my results until an hour after my appointment time and then I had to wait another half an hour to get my hospital discharge papers after the doctor has seen me. I had waited years to get a hematology appointment. The hematologist kept cancelling my appointments until two doctors teamed up and pressured him into giving me the appointment. I waited months to get updated blood work results. I waited years to get my iron levels to where they are. A lot of waiting... and a lot of patience required.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out what God wants for me in the next couple of months. I've decided to take a break this summer since I haven't had a proper break from school for a couple of years. I will still work on the third novel and the memoir (when the woman whose life story I'm ghostwriting has the time to give me more material) to occupy my time and mind if only because I know that too much free time on my hands tends to get me into a lot of trouble.

There are some things that have come up as things I can potentially do this autumn that I'm discerning through a novena to the Holy Spirit (I'm on day 6 today). I will also soon read a book on the discernment of spirits to try to figure things out while I wait to find a spiritual director. I'm trying to take things slow and no jump into action without proper discernment. It goes against my natural impulse to get things done -- and get them sorted quickly -- but I know it's for the best to keep doing this.

Anyway, just wanted to share this because I know some of you may be in similar boats -- whether it's trying to figure out academic, health, financial, and/or relationship/vocation issues. I know it's so much easier to say "have patience" than to do it but it's better than driving yourself crazy and/or doing something you later regret. Having to wait stinks and it can seem like a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to do in this world. I've done a number of things out of impatient impulse and I've suffered the consequences; I learned the hard way. Don't be an impulsive, impatient Emmy. ;)

Alright, I need to skedaddle. I have a couple of library books that I've been neglecting and I want to get them done before they're due. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Feel Restless in My Faith and with Myself

Deep breath in. 

I've been feeling incredibly restless in my faith and with myself and I know it's due to my lack of Mass attendance and trips to the confessional. 

Exhale.

You guys know that I've been struggling with attending Mass for months. Yes, months. I get a deep desire to go to Mass and confession but something always happens. What I wrote in October still applies. I feel like the worst Catholic... a sorry, pathetic excuse of a Catholic. I felt it particularly hard a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly cut out to be a faithful Catholic with how often I've missed Mass. I haven't been to Mass since Candlemas, and we arrived late and I was too distracted to enjoy it. During the last full Mass I attended a month ago, I had to keep my snobby and somewhat uncharitable thoughts to myself. 

If you're wondering what happened today: light-headedness, as is the most common reason for my failure to attend Mass. I didn't even pick Mom up from work today and that only happens when I get so lightheaded that I'm afraid of getting into a potential accident. "Well, that's a valid excuse," you may be saying, but it doesn't take away how uneasy I feel. 

The longer I go without attending Mass or confessing my sins, the more restless I get. I feel absolutely horrid as I type this out. I've noticed how bad things get for me the longer I go without both Mass and confession. First, I become less charitable and more grumpy. Then it becomes easier to do the smallest (and, oftentimes, dumbest) venial sins. Then my patience runs out easier. Things built up. My temper gets worse. I literally cannot focus on anything, especially in prayer. I can't focus on my prayers; they feel robotic and empty. After about the second or third week, I'm an edgy mess. Again, the desire is there but then fear sets in.

Fear is what's at the root of my missing Mass. Fear of getting into a car accident because I'm not as mentally focused as I should be. Fear of getting more sick or not being able to get the medical help I need (this is anxiety talking when I have palpitations like I did earlier today). Fear of physical pain. Fear of fainting, especially when I've felt physically weak like I did two weeks ago. Fear of this... fear of that...

I know that fear is not from God. I know that the evil one uses fear. I want to have the courage to push beyond that fear, but I can't. I don't know what stops me. Oh, wait... yes, I do: more fear. Sometimes, when I think I have the courage to actually go through with it -- to get in my car and drive to Mass -- I begin to second-guess my decision. The "what ifs" begin to roll around in my mind. What if I should just stay home and not risk myself and my health? What if I'm just making up excuses for myself because I don't want to go to Mass? (That last one is one that popped up in my mind). 

I've cried more than once out of my inability to attend Mass. In fact, I'm trying to fight that lump in my throat that is threatened to form while I type this post out. I know I need to talk to a priest about this problem, especially since I feel utterly overwhelmed at this point. I don't like how I feel... and when I say "how I feel" I mean how I act. I don't like living in fear. I don't like losing my temper more easily as time goes by. This isn't who I usually am. I've been (jokingly) referred to as a gal with patience to spare. I don't get angry for more than a couple of minutes. I can let things slide... except I can't. Not these days; not since my lack of Mass attendance began to break personal records.

I humbly ask for your prayers. Beyond praying and talking to a priest, I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless. I feel restless. I feel scared. I don't want to put my soul in jeopardy if I can do something about it. 

Okay... here come the tears. That's okay. Tears only remind me that I care. I care about my soul. I care about my relationship with God. Once my time here on earth is done, I want to spend eternity with Him. I can't do that if I don't feel grounded in my faith; if I keep missing Mass.

Deep breath in. 

Exhale. 

God willing, things will work out. I just need help. And, with this idea, I'm going to stop writing and email one of my favorite local priests to see if I can set up a meeting to talk to him or see if he can give me advice as to what I can do in the meantime (while I wait for my next trip to the confessional and Mass).

I'm sorry to end this blog on such a downer but this is real life. This is -- and has been -- my biggest struggle. Nobody said the journey of this Catholic nerd writer was going to be easy or even pretty.

Alright, email to the priest and then I'll try to catch a Mass on EWTN before my evening/nighttime prayers.

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)