Will the "Catholic Twitter" Comments Please Stop?

As some of you (who are following me on Twitter) know, I decided to take a break from that social media website earlier this week. It's not the first time I've done it and it'll most likely not be the last. Right now, I can't see myself returning for a couple of weeks because 1) I have a deadline coming up and 2) I'm starting a new chapter in my vocation (career) so I gotta focus on that. Okay, real talk: I wouldn't have taken the break even with what's coming up if I hadn't grown tired of all the bickering and the "Catholic Twitter" drama that's been going on for weeks.

Admittedly, I don't log into Twitter as often as I have in the past but the little that I did experience in the last few weeks made me want to shut down my account and forget about ever visiting the site again. I wanted to keep up the use of saint quotes and more positive tweets but I just became too overwhelmed... especially when people started using "Catholic Twitter" as a collective noun to lump all Catholics together instead of addressing a small group of individuals who just happen to be Catholic.

News flash: not all those who are Catholic believe the same thing nor do they use and/or express themselves on social media the same. It's a disservice to those who do positive things on the website to be lumped together with the mischief-makers. Using "Catholic Twitter" when you're talking about a tiny number of people isn't nice. Yes, there are some people who love to ruffle feathers and add fuel to the fire but not everyone is like that. Can we please stop these "Catholic Twitter" comments? Don't lump everyone together. If you have a problem with what someone (or a group of people) said, why not address them personally?

Furthermore, it seems like we can no longer express our opinions without someone being offended... even within our little Catholic "bubble." Subtweets, shade... whatever you want to call it -- it all divides us. What happened to the days of disagreeing and being able to talk about our differences of opinions without it becoming a big argument? I remember those days. I remember the days when the biggest problem within "Catholic Twitter" was the big flirt-fests in which we couldn't chat without flirting happening. (Those who've been around since around mid-2008 know what I'm talking about). Now? You simply can't say anything without offending someone. I'm sure that even this blog post is going to offend at least one person because they're going to think I'm talking about them specifically. (hint: I'm not. Don't give anyone a reason to make a "You're so Vain" parody.)

I honestly feel like Twitter (as a whole, not just our little Catholic bubble) has hit rock bottom and I rarely feel joy when interacting with folks on that site. Even if I'm on there for a couple of minutes, I log out feeling angry, hurt, annoyed, and/or incredibly uncharitable. Yes, politics and the state of the country/society have contributed to it... but some of us aren't helping matters. You'd think that, after seeing everything that's been going on, more people would want to contribute to trying to make the site a friendlier, less-stressful place where we could chat with friends... but it's been the opposite.

To those who have the patience and thick skin to continue doing their good works -- sharing saint quotes and other gems that inspire people to learn more about the beauty of our Church: thank you! We need you to keep up the good fight that some of us can't deal with for whatever personal reason. (side note: as previously stated a couple of blog posts ago, I'm personally too sensitive to negativity and I feel physically and emotionally drained when I or someone I know gets attacked for no reason so I avoid those situations.)

To those who contribute to the drama: I will continue praying for you. You're all adults. You know what you're doing. You know Who is going to hold you accountable for your actions after all is said and done. Oh, did you forget that we -- every single one of us -- are all going be held accountable for everything we did in this lifetime? This is your friendly reminder.

I know I have a ton of really dumb stuff that I've already done in my lifetime (thus far); I don't want to add to it, which is why I'm going to avoid whatever will add to it. For now, Twitter is one of those things. As I said, I can't get on it without being uncharitable (even if it's only in my head; God will still know those) which lead to my decision for the break. Perhaps I can return to Twitter in a month's time and things will be better. However, as I continue to work on my relationship with God and try to cultivate a healthier spiritual and interior life, I'm currently not strong enough to log in and let the comments not affect me.

I will continue praying for all of you -- I literally do say "please bless everyone who follows me on social media" when I do my nighttime prayers -- and I hope to return to a Twitter with healthier communication habits.

This blog's Facebook page is still a good place to stay in touch if you ever want to pass along a link or something fun that you think I may enjoy. You can also post any prayers requests on that page or the Frassati Prayer Community page; I check both every day.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've said my piece (and hope that it leads to people considering peace). As I said in my tweet that told every one of my break: please be kind to one another. There's already so much chaos and fighting; we don't need us Catholics to get even more divided on things that don't matter.

And, now, if you'll excuse me, I have a novel I need to continue working on.

Have a blessed weekend everyone!

Sometimes You Need to Start Over

Hello, everyone! I'm sorry for the nearly 2-week radio silence (the last blog post about the novel sale not included). I've been going through a sort of a life do-over in most areas of my life. It would be too much to share in a single post -- and there is a lot I'm not sure I want to share just yet -- but let's just say that I needed these past two weeks to sort through a lot of things. I will share two major things though: my Mass attendance has been on point (yes!) and, on the suggestion of my new confessor, I've decided to sort of start over with my spiritual life.

First, I've made it to Mass AND confession for three consecutive weekends. Insert celebratory gif here. lol. It's been very disconcerting to look back and see how easy it was for me to develop terrible habits that caused me to sin much easier when I wasn't going to Mass more than once every 2 months. I try to take side streets when I feel a bit lightheaded (which, unfortunately, is still going on almost daily despite anemia no longer being an issue)... or even look for the last local Mass for the day (which I did two weekends ago) when I don't think it's safe for me to drive. I'm crediting the Holy Spirit for this (and a major decision I made recently). Yay, Holy Spirit!!

Second, I started going to confession (regularly) with a new priest and it's helped me out a lot. He gave me the advice to focus on my spiritual life during this summer since I have a nice 3-month break (now 2 months left) before the next phase of my plans (which I made with the help of the Holy Spirit and the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and St. Joseph) begin. I told him what I was going through and he suggested I take the summer to work on my spiritual life. In many ways, I'll be starting over again because I think I got stuck in a cycle of prayer or a way of thinking that was spiritually stifling me. My relationship with God was breaking down and it made it easier for me to miss Mass (even with legitimate excuses), to commit stupid sins, and just lose myself.

I actually came very close to, basically, throwing away the last 10 years of work in my spiritual life that I had done since my reversion. I will one day reveal everything that happened but let's just say that it wasn't until Mom and I did the novena to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati that things changed for me and I was able to break out of that apathy and depression. I literally fell into a deep depression last month and it took me about three weeks to break out of it. Things picked up with my wonderful health news and then a had another huge boost on my birthday (May 30th). And to think that -- if I remember correctly either had a dream about Bl. PGF or if he just kept popping up in my life -- I decided to do the novena to Bl. PGF on a whim and my mom decided to join me. After seeing the almost immediate results of the novena, she's now a fellow Frassati fan.

This summer, my plans are basically to keep myself healthy, work on my spiritual life, and working on things that had fallen into disrepair during my months of spiritual dryness/attacks. I started with working on cultivating more patience in my life a couple of weeks ago and now I'm working on that as well cultivating temperance which became a big problem for me in recently weeks (I was overindulging in things; I'll hopefully write about this next). I guess we'll see just how I do with these things since I'm pretty sure I'll be sharing what happens on this new adventure. :)

Has anyone had to do something similar to this? Having to sort of start over or restructure your spiritual life? Please let me know if you have and what helped you.

Alright, I think that's it for now. I hope to write more often in the upcoming weeks but we shall see if I actually do it. I've been working on my third novel and I can spend hours writing chapter after chapter. My imagination has been churning out a lot of ideas that I'm liking for the plot so I tend to just focus on them before the ideas escape. Someone, please remind me not to neglect the blog while I work on the novel. Please. lol.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and a great start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

(Foot-Tapping) I'm Not Impatient

(Note: this post is a continuation of yesterday's blog post.)

I'll admit normally a bit impatient when it comes to my health, financial, and academic/career issues. I'm patient with everyone else and their problems but I fail to do the same for me. Lately, I've been trying to practice more patience in all areas of my life, especially when it comes to taking care of myself. If I feel run down, I rest. If I feel sleepy, I nap. If I feel hungry (and it's close to lunch or dinner), I snack lightly. If I feel overwhelmed by something, I try to remind myself that it's not as important as I'm making it out to be. If I feel rushed/pressured to make a decision quickly, I remind myself that I'd rather take my time and "be late to the party" than do something that may be the opposite of what God wants for me. This last one has been the biggest temptation/struggle for me lately.

I like to have my ducks in a row. I like to have a clear path on how I'm supposed to move forward. I intensely dislike being stagnant. I like to have some sense of what the near future is holding for me. After I decided to take a break from studies (and I asked for an academic leave of absence instead of withdrawing completely), I immediately wanted to figure out what God wanted me to do. I drove myself a little crazy that first week because I wanted to figure things out ASAP. I was tempted to do a Holy Spirit novena right away but I held off until I felt it was the right time. Instead of jumping in, I took the first two weeks off and tried to relax. Tried is the key word. Not doing anything goes against my "need" to keep busy because I get bored easily. Still, I knew I needed the break and I tried not to feel guilty about not doing much.

I've looked into jobs to pay off my student loans. I've looked into other careers that I could do without an additional degree. I looked into shifting my focus back on my writing career. Along the way, none of those options have seemed like something I needed to explore. My focus had to be refocused once more on my health; on eating and sleeping well. I had to exercise a ton of patience with myself and, really, with God.

For about the past month or two, I've had no clarity on what God wants me to do. I've had zero plans for my life. I've been trying to go with the flow because I've learned that sometimes what we need is to have a lot of patience and a lot of trust. I was hit with a bit of depression earlier this month (though that's felt more like a spiritual attack than anything else) but I've still tried to keep myself focused on what I've felt God wants from me -- to take care of myself so that I can be ready for whatever is next in my life.

How is this tied to yesterday's good news? I've had to wait years to get good news about my health; 4-5 years to be exact. I've gotten so impatient at times -- especially when this particular cross has seemed too heavy for me to continue carrying it -- but I've kept praying and I've kept my sad attempts at trusting God always on my mind. Even Monday's hematology appointment had me exercising patience; they didn't call me into a room to get my results until an hour after my appointment time and then I had to wait another half an hour to get my hospital discharge papers after the doctor has seen me. I had waited years to get a hematology appointment. The hematologist kept cancelling my appointments until two doctors teamed up and pressured him into giving me the appointment. I waited months to get updated blood work results. I waited years to get my iron levels to where they are. A lot of waiting... and a lot of patience required.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out what God wants for me in the next couple of months. I've decided to take a break this summer since I haven't had a proper break from school for a couple of years. I will still work on the third novel and the memoir (when the woman whose life story I'm ghostwriting has the time to give me more material) to occupy my time and mind if only because I know that too much free time on my hands tends to get me into a lot of trouble.

There are some things that have come up as things I can potentially do this autumn that I'm discerning through a novena to the Holy Spirit (I'm on day 6 today). I will also soon read a book on the discernment of spirits to try to figure things out while I wait to find a spiritual director. I'm trying to take things slow and no jump into action without proper discernment. It goes against my natural impulse to get things done -- and get them sorted quickly -- but I know it's for the best to keep doing this.

Anyway, just wanted to share this because I know some of you may be in similar boats -- whether it's trying to figure out academic, health, financial, and/or relationship/vocation issues. I know it's so much easier to say "have patience" than to do it but it's better than driving yourself crazy and/or doing something you later regret. Having to wait stinks and it can seem like a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to do in this world. I've done a number of things out of impatient impulse and I've suffered the consequences; I learned the hard way. Don't be an impulsive, impatient Emmy. ;)

Alright, I need to skedaddle. I have a couple of library books that I've been neglecting and I want to get them done before they're due. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Feel Restless in My Faith and with Myself

Deep breath in. 

I've been feeling incredibly restless in my faith and with myself and I know it's due to my lack of Mass attendance and trips to the confessional. 

Exhale.

You guys know that I've been struggling with attending Mass for months. Yes, months. I get a deep desire to go to Mass and confession but something always happens. What I wrote in October still applies. I feel like the worst Catholic... a sorry, pathetic excuse of a Catholic. I felt it particularly hard a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly cut out to be a faithful Catholic with how often I've missed Mass. I haven't been to Mass since Candlemas, and we arrived late and I was too distracted to enjoy it. During the last full Mass I attended a month ago, I had to keep my snobby and somewhat uncharitable thoughts to myself. 

If you're wondering what happened today: light-headedness, as is the most common reason for my failure to attend Mass. I didn't even pick Mom up from work today and that only happens when I get so lightheaded that I'm afraid of getting into a potential accident. "Well, that's a valid excuse," you may be saying, but it doesn't take away how uneasy I feel. 

The longer I go without attending Mass or confessing my sins, the more restless I get. I feel absolutely horrid as I type this out. I've noticed how bad things get for me the longer I go without both Mass and confession. First, I become less charitable and more grumpy. Then it becomes easier to do the smallest (and, oftentimes, dumbest) venial sins. Then my patience runs out easier. Things built up. My temper gets worse. I literally cannot focus on anything, especially in prayer. I can't focus on my prayers; they feel robotic and empty. After about the second or third week, I'm an edgy mess. Again, the desire is there but then fear sets in.

Fear is what's at the root of my missing Mass. Fear of getting into a car accident because I'm not as mentally focused as I should be. Fear of getting more sick or not being able to get the medical help I need (this is anxiety talking when I have palpitations like I did earlier today). Fear of physical pain. Fear of fainting, especially when I've felt physically weak like I did two weeks ago. Fear of this... fear of that...

I know that fear is not from God. I know that the evil one uses fear. I want to have the courage to push beyond that fear, but I can't. I don't know what stops me. Oh, wait... yes, I do: more fear. Sometimes, when I think I have the courage to actually go through with it -- to get in my car and drive to Mass -- I begin to second-guess my decision. The "what ifs" begin to roll around in my mind. What if I should just stay home and not risk myself and my health? What if I'm just making up excuses for myself because I don't want to go to Mass? (That last one is one that popped up in my mind). 

I've cried more than once out of my inability to attend Mass. In fact, I'm trying to fight that lump in my throat that is threatened to form while I type this post out. I know I need to talk to a priest about this problem, especially since I feel utterly overwhelmed at this point. I don't like how I feel... and when I say "how I feel" I mean how I act. I don't like living in fear. I don't like losing my temper more easily as time goes by. This isn't who I usually am. I've been (jokingly) referred to as a gal with patience to spare. I don't get angry for more than a couple of minutes. I can let things slide... except I can't. Not these days; not since my lack of Mass attendance began to break personal records.

I humbly ask for your prayers. Beyond praying and talking to a priest, I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless. I feel restless. I feel scared. I don't want to put my soul in jeopardy if I can do something about it. 

Okay... here come the tears. That's okay. Tears only remind me that I care. I care about my soul. I care about my relationship with God. Once my time here on earth is done, I want to spend eternity with Him. I can't do that if I don't feel grounded in my faith; if I keep missing Mass.

Deep breath in. 

Exhale. 

God willing, things will work out. I just need help. And, with this idea, I'm going to stop writing and email one of my favorite local priests to see if I can set up a meeting to talk to him or see if he can give me advice as to what I can do in the meantime (while I wait for my next trip to the confessional and Mass).

I'm sorry to end this blog on such a downer but this is real life. This is -- and has been -- my biggest struggle. Nobody said the journey of this Catholic nerd writer was going to be easy or even pretty.

Alright, email to the priest and then I'll try to catch a Mass on EWTN before my evening/nighttime prayers.

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Prayer: Patience and Understanding

When I first tried praying it was entirely selfish. I prayed to get what I wanted... or thought I needed. Did I need a majority of what I prayed for? Nope. One of the last times I prayed in my teens, I prayed that my ex-boyfriend and I would work out our differences and that we'd stay together. I was kind of miffed when it didn't happen. In fact, we ended up breaking up only a week after I prayed. I didn't understand why my prayers hadn't been answered. Wasn't that how prayer worked?, I asked myself. It wasn't until much later that I realized that the break-up was a blessing; to this day he remains the most manipulative and dishonest boyfriend I've ever had.

Fast forward several years later. As I grew spiritually, I learned that sometimes our prayers don't get answered because it's not God's will for us; that He has something better in store. It wasn't overnight. Some of my reversion prayers included a lot of bargaining (big no-no!) so I'd get what I wanted. Eventually I began accepting that I could ask for something but that it wouldn't always be answered. I accepted it and tried to see the positive in unanswered prayers. My default is usually "well, I don't understand it but God knows what He's doing so I trust in Him."

It's really hard to see friends and family struggle with this. No matter how many times you try to explain things, and no matter how many times they say they understanding it, intellectually, they can still feel like God is ignoring them and their "needs" (usually wants).

Lately I had to see someone I'm incredibly close with go through this. Their prayer life and relationship with God was suffering because their prayers were going unanswered. I could see God doing so many wonderful things in their life but they refused to see it; all they could see is how they wanted something and they weren't getting it. I talked to them several times. "I get it in my mind... but I don't get it in my heart" was the usual response. Many prayers and novenas were prayed for them, asking for the gift of understanding for them; that their relationship with God not suffer.

In the past couple of days, God has slowly been revealing His reasons for not answering the prayers intentions the person had. This person now saw that prayer intention one was not answered like they wanted because there was something better planned for them. Prayer intention two was finally answered this week, after a long time (several months) of struggling with understanding why God hadn't answered it. "Now I get it," was what the person told me last night. I hope their relationship with God strengthens and their spiritual life grows after going through this.

Why am I sharing this? Because a) I know how hard it is to want to give up on prayer when we don't get what we think we need (but it's usually what we want and don't actually need) and b) because it's not always easy to help those who are struggling with this issue. Maybe the issue with the person isn't an unanswered prayer but a Church teaching. What I hope at least one person gets out of this blog post is that God is always listening; don't give up just because things aren't done how you want it and/or when you want it.

If your prayer isn't getting answered, it doesn't mean He's not listening. It may mean He has something better in store for you. Maybe it will get answered further down the line but you need to learn and/or grow before it can be answered. As for that person in your life who is struggling with it? Talk to them. If they can't "get it" remind them (when they bring up the subject, of course) that He's listening but answers sometimes take time. If it seems nothing is getting through, pray for them. Unceasingly. Sometimes praying for them -- for their patience, understanding, and struggles -- is exactly what they need. Even if you don't tell them you're praying for them, do it. Nothing is sadder than seeing someone's relationship with God suffering or getting close to becoming irreparable because of something like this.

Anywho, that's it for now. It's not as hot as it was yesterday (112 degrees F!) but I enjoyed my time away from the internet so I'm going to go read some books and stay cool (in my a/c cooled living room). Sorry, internet. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Palm Sunday Patience

This is the first Palm Sunday in which I have missed Mass. Unfortunately, I felt too weak to walk, and the fact that I didn't sleep well has made the anxiety bothersome. *sigh* I am getting really tired of this whole "missing Mass" thing. I will once again blame the enemy for it, because (what a coincidence) I hadn't felt week or sick until today. *palmface* (No pun intended.)

One thing I need to do today is have a lot of patience with my classmates. One of them said, with great confidence, that Muhammad and the Quran came before Jesus Christ and the Bible. A majority of my classmates are also either doubting the Bible and/or saying that the Quran is more accurate. There is always one class in which people gang up on Christianity. Last Spring, it was Philosophy of World Religions. Last semester was Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions. This semester it's Intro to World History. Hopefully this trend will not continue next year.

I also need to have patience with the exam taking process. I studied more than I usually do... and I received a 4/10 on this quiz. Why such a long grade? Because I answered the correct answers regarding Christianity and Judaism, and not the wrong answers the secular professors want me to swallow. Are... you... kidding... me? *sigh* Oh well, if I don't do too well in this class... I'll take it. Just like Phil. of Mono. Religions, in which I received a C despite doing pretty well, I will refuse to compromise my beliefs just to earn a good grade. Thankfully this is just a throw away class that won't count so... yeah. :D

Alright, I still have to study (it never ends).

I hope everyone had a great Palm Sunday. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Practicing Patience in Church

I am usually a pretty patient person but when bets are off when I'm trying to (quietly) focus on something. Tonight that patience was put to the test.

After confession, we decided to stay for Mass. Since we had over half an hour before the Mass actually started, I decided to pray the Rosary. I was really focused on it until about the third Joyful Mystery when a woman wanted to sit in the pew we were in. I was in the right end (I like sitting in the edges/ends) when I heard and felt woman trying to get past me to get into the booth. She didn't even say "excuse me" until I felt her knees hitting mine. That broke my concentration and made me really not happy. I kept my eyes shut and continued to pray, though not with the same concentration as before. I was miffed. Often when I pray the Rosary something or someone has to interrupt me. It's rare when it doesn't happen. Anyway, I continuing praying until I was done. Once I finished, I turned to see where the woman had sat. I was not happy when I saw that she sat at the other end of the pew... where she could've easily gotten to her seat without disturbing me. "Well, that wasn't nice!" I thought to myself. I let it go. I wasn't in the mood, especially after confession.

The Mass starts... and with it all the liturgical abuses that go with the Novus Ordo. The parish where we attend Mass (where we started attending after that on Sour Sunday last year) is so far the best when it comes to the liturgical abuses. They aren't as many as there are at other parishes. I can usually just sit there and focus on the Mass (and try not to count the number of abuses) and be happy. I was glad that we had the hymns in Latin (thank God!). The priest slipped a couple of times but he's had a great track record thus far so I let it go. I am learning how to have patience at Mass because the more I learn about the Church, the more traditional I get... and the more than liturgical abuses annoy me. I cannot wait until I get my car so I can drive to a parish that offers Latin Masses.

Anyway, point of this post: whether you have experiences like me, where the little things annoy you... or if you're one of those people who hate children crying and making noise in Mass (I can overlook that because I am such love babies and little kids), it's good practice. If you want to learn how to control your urges to tell people to "shut up" in Masses (oh, I've had several neighbors scold at children for making noise, even the itty bitty babies), Church is really a good place to start. Even if you have pretty good patience already but want to strengthen it even more, going to the House of the Lord is great for you. Trust me, we've all had our "ugh, go away" moments in Mass... but you can always work on it or offer up if you're just really annoyed that you can straight. That's what I've been doing lately and it's helping. :D

Alright, homework awaits me... as usual. It's like the Neverending Story, isn't it? Yup.

'Til next time, thank you for reading and God Bless. :D