Sunday, August 30, 2009

Epiphany at Church: Married or Single Vocation?

I love when things "randomly" click together, especially when I'm at Church for Mass. It actually happens more often when I go to Mass by myself than when I go with someone. Since my mom worked today, I had to go by my lonesome. Last Sunday I ended up missing Mass because my ride (actually a transportation service in L.A. which I am qualified for) failed to pick me up and then by the time they were going to send someone, it was too late for Mass. Argh, these people. :( Anyway, I was glad that I was picked up (late, but better than nothing) and that I was able to get there in time to get confessed before Mass.

So, why didn't I go yesterday? I did... and we didn't get a chance to confess. For the first time since about October of last year, the confession line was so long, that people worried about whether or not they would get a chance. Sadly, there was only one priest (which could explain the dozen or so people still waiting to confess 15 minutes before time was up) and we were at the very back of the line. Since there was no way I was going to receive the Eucharist (I MUST every weekend) if I didn't confess, I made it a goal to do so before Mass today. Luckily, Fr. Leo let me confess before the last English Mass of the day (the noon Mass) and I was good.

One thing I also got to (quickly) talk about with Fr. Leo was my vocation. I'm going to talk to him about becoming a Lay Carmelite soon, since I am positive that I am not meant for the religious vocation. I wouldn't be opposed to it if I was. :D After my talk with him, while at Mass I realized something that I'd been neglecting to think about... what if I'm actually called to be single? What if I'm so afraid to be alone, or so selfish to want my own family, that I'm failing to see what my vocation could truly be? I'd never really considered it before. I was internally fighting against the thought as it came into my mind.

I considered what I thought, that maybe I didn't think about it before because I was either afraid to be alone or because I'd been too selfish, wanting a husband and children... but then two more thoughts crossed my mind; maybe I've just thought about this (single vocation) because I've already gotten guilt trips about leaving my mom to fend for herself. As I said in my No Dating; Courtship post, the topic of marriage has come up often recently (if I had a penny for every time it came up...) and every time I've felt bad about even thinking about it because I know I'd have to leave my mom and make my own life with my new husband. The thought of being called to be single had crossed my mind, and I had seriously thought about becoming a religious sister for a long time, but I'd always felt like I was called to being a wife and mother. Up until recently, I really felt that that was it for me. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if my feelings changed because of all the guilt I feel or because it's truly my vocation. As Fr. Leo briefly advised me, I need to really pray hard about this and then get back to him soon. Since he is now my main spiritual adviser (Fr. Stan got transferred to another parish), I'll have to update him with my journey thus far. What I am sure of it that whether I stay single or get married, I will still want to be associated with the Carmelites in one way or another.

I have A LOT to think, and pray, about. Hey, now I have something new to think about when I'm back to school. :D And, speaking of which, I'm off to get my schedule printed and make sure my ride will pick me up on time. I like to over-prepare myself so that I'm not stressing in the morning. First class of the day/school year: Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Whoo-hoo! :D

Hope everyone had a great weekend. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.


K. Suzanne said...

my GOODNESS, that's weird. I had a VERY similar epiphany on Thursday. If you want to hear about it and/or discuss, I think my email address is on my Blogger profile. : )

Miss C.N.W. said...

Wow! Could we possibly have any more in common? I'll email ya in a bit... :D