Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"But, Emmy... it's Lent!" Oops?

*sings along to some of my favorite songs.*

"Emmy, you can't do that! It's Lent!"

*dances around the living room or bedroom as a form of exercise."

"You can't do that, either! It's Lent!"

Oops?

I've been feeling really great the last 2-3 days so I've been singing and dancing... and twirling around in skirts and dresses since it's been summer-weather hot lately. I have a little more color in my cheeks (hello, rosy-hue I've missed) and I've been able to dance and have hour-long walks without problems. I think it's been the combo of whatever was working against me wearing off as well as the change in my diet and exercise regime. I even woke up 2 hours earlier than usual yesterday and today... on my own. I was feeling gratitude for the upswing and then... "But, Emmy... it's Lent!"

Yes, I know it's Lent. Yes, I know it's a penitential season. Um, hi. Have you read my blog posts since Lent has begun? I'm very well aware what this season is about. Still, I didn't really think that I couldn't feel happy about the change in things. I didn't know that my form of exercise (usually dancing, walking, or hiking; mostly dancing and walking when I can't get to a local mountain range) was prohibited because it was Lent. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to sing. Oops?

I usually field these questions on social media because it's the way to get quicker and more responses but I'm abstaining from social media so here's my question for those who may know more about it than I do: are singing and dancing not allowed during Lent?

Like I said, I'm aware that this is a season of penance and thinking about Christ's suffering and death. I've been praying the Sorrowful Mysteries every day except Sundays during Lent. I've been watching the daily Mass on EWTN or, at least, reading the daily readings and meditating on them. I know there shouldn't be much celebrating but... I didn't know I had to be only quiet and solemn the 40 days of Lent. If I've been doing something I shouldn't be doing, someone please correct me.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this question out there. Someone, please, let me know if that's just a scrupulous POV or if I really need to tone down my singing and dancing. I get why it's not the best idea but I also wonder if it's taking it too far. In fact, I keep thinking about this meme:

Just, help a sister out. OH! And, for the friends who've emailed me and texted me with concern after reading the latest blog posts, you can FaceTime me or ask for proof that I'm not as sick as you might think. I'll be okay. No worries, my dears. :D
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And now back to working on my research paper. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Was Going to Mass Worth Getting Sick?

After I blogged about missing Mass last weekend, I emailed one of our favorite local priests about what I could do regarding my terrible no-Mass streak. His advice was simple: keep trying. Try to make it to a Sunday Mass and keep aiming for every Mass time until I can get to one. If I can't go on a Sunday, try to go on a Monday... on a Tuesday... on a Wednesday (and so on) until I get myself to Mass. On Monday, I took his advice... with a little twist: I decided to watch the daily Mass on EWTN until I could physically attend Mass.

I set up my iPod touch alarm at 3:50 p.m. (PT) for a repeat of the daily Mass since it's on live at 5 a.m. when I'm usually either asleep or about to fall asleep again (if I drive Mom to work). Every day (except for Friday), I turned it on. I only made it through Wednesday before distractions popped up during that time. I watched part of Thursday and none on Friday. No, I didn't watch it on Friday but I made it to an actual Mass that day which was much better!

Can you hear the angels singing? Yes, I finally went to Mass! Not only was it a Latin Mass (which is our family's preference) but it was celebrated by one of my favorite priests and I got to share that time with friends who inspire me to be more faithful. Our young adult group had planned on meeting up after Mass and an hour of Adoration and Benediction. I absolutely loved it, despite the 40-something degree temperature (more on this a bit later). There wasn't confession beforehand and we spent a good 45 minutes or so just trying to get to the church (when it should be half that long) but it was heavenly. I felt that wonderful inner peace I get when I attend Latin Masses. Even though I wasn't able to receive the Eucharist (I have to let them know that I'm going to need the low-gluten hosts and, of course, go to confession first), my heart was full of love and peaceful contentment.

The hour of adoration was new for me. I've never done more than 30 minutes of adoration and the last couple of times were hard for me because I get so distracted and the time seemed to go slowly. Not on Friday. The time went by way too fast for me. I prayed the Rosary, the chaplet of Divine Mercy, the evening prayers of the Little Office, the chaplet of St. Michael Archangel, and then had a couple of minutes of silent reflection. I wish I had gotten more time in silence but it was still a wonderful time for me... and it inspired me to do it more often.

After adoration and benediction, the group met up and we spent about an hour or so just chatting amongst ourselves and with our spiritual adviser. I was very glad that I had gone since I have been on the fence about going for a good 36 hours. Why was I on the fence? I was worried about getting sick due to the cold weather and my lack of warm clothing. Guess what ended up happening...

The last group meeting I had attended (in mid-January; we meet twice a month), it had been about as cold or colder than Friday. I had been fine since I had worn a longer skirt and ugly faux-Ugg boots to stay warm. This time I wore a knee-length dress with heels (I couldn't find boots in time). I thought I would be fine since I still wore fleece-line tights which are designed to keep you warm. I probably would have been okay if we hadn't been standing outside in 40-something degree weather for about half an hour (total). Long story short: circumstances beyond our control kept us outside longer than we anticipated. I felt it in my throat when I got home and then I really felt it the next morning when I got up at 4 a.m. Ruh-oh.

I ended up having to cancel today's trip to the dentist (I was supposed to go down to Baja California, Mexico for that). I hope to try again next weekend (and pray that my broken molar doesn't get infected between now and then since it's now been a month since it chipped). Since it's been raining, on and off, this about 2 a.m. and I've had a sore throat (and now a slight cough at times) and my mom is still recovering from her own cold, we decided it was more prudent to wait so we wouldn't get more sick.

Was my getting sick (after I had been warned not to get sick since my white blood count - amongst other things - was so low at the last draw) worth attending Mass? Was the delay of getting my broken molar fixed worth it? I think so! I haven't gotten sick (neither cold nor flu) in about 2-3 years and this cold (chill?) seems to be very mild compared to previous viruses. For that I'm thankful. Now, I'm not advocating risking your health to attend Mass -- especially since Mom and I aren't going to Mass today because we're still nursing our colds (I'm pretty sure I'm currently contagious, too) and it's really cold outside -- but going to Mass did three wonderful things.

First: it made me face my fears. I was scared that I would get sick (which ended up happening anyway, lol) if I attended because I knew it was cold. Still, I trusted that God would take care of me and that He would give me the strength to endure if it I did get sick.

Second: it helped me remember that I need to work on trusting Him. I had been doing well in this department but, somewhere post-Advent and Christmastide I had lost my way again. I've gotten sick but I'm doing okay. Trust. Now I'm going to trust that He will help me not get an infection between now and next weekend... or that He will help guide me to dental help that doesn't cost an arm and a leg around here before then.

Third: it helped me remember how much I love Mass and how I would rather face my fears than not attend Mass again. I don't like missing Mass. I don't like the restlessness that comes with my putting distance between God and myself, which I always feel like I do when I don't make it to Mass. My fears are not worth being away from Him.

I will continue to watch the daily Mass on EWTN when I cannot make it to daily Mass at the local parish or to our new (and temporary until the FSSP priests can get their own) parish. I will continue to push myself and even try to find ways to get cheap rides (can't afford to pay taxi cabs on my limited budget) to Mass in case I can't physically drive. Even if I'm lightheaded, I can usually be okay as long as I can sit. I'm sure God will understand if I sit when I should be kneeling as long as I'm there. Following the advice of one of our FSSP priests, I also plan on purchasing low-gluten hosts to take with me to Mass whenever I can attend... and talk to the priests at the local parish about how we can work this out for daily Mass.

I will also be more kind to myself when I can't physically attend. I'm actually not beating myself up right now because I know that going to Mass today is probably not a good idea, for several reasons that include being contagious, it raining on and off, and knowing that my immune system was considered fragile at last blood draw. I will catch the 9 p.m. encore of the daily Mass on EWTN since I slept until 11:30 a.m. this morning.

Anyway, these are all my (long and detailed; sorry!) thoughts for the day. I'm going to try to eat something and try to hydrate myself while I wait for the daily Mass to begin on EWTN. I'll be praying for everyone who is going out to Mass in inclement weather.

OH! And don't forget to enter for your chance to win a Magnificat Lenten Companion app! It ends on Tuesday at midnight, Eastern time. 29 hours from when I'm writing this... go! ;)

I hope you all have a blessed weekend. I hope to write before Ash Wednesday because I'm going to give up two big things and I'm going to need quite a few people to keep me accountable, especially those who follow me on several social media platforms.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Realizations, Disappointments, and Goals

This morning, as I was driving my best friend to the nearby airport, she asked me a simple question that I had no answers to: "so, what are you going to do until grad school begins on September 30th?" Those who've known me for years know that I love to plan ahead... or used to. Lately I haven't been doing much planning, which I know has surprised some of my oldest friends. This is just one of the two big realizations I've had over the last couple of days.

The biggest realization I had over this weekend (especially Sunday) is that I've disappointed myself in a big way. You know how I talked about an intense yet unexplained desire to pray? It was connected to my vocation (in a way) but it seems to have been (mostly) God's way of bringing me back to Him. See, I realized that I've been acting in a way that is very unlike me for the past couple of months. Yes, months. Not too many... since late February or early March, maybe. I know some of you guys have noticed it but no one called me out on it. No, that's okay; it was something that I needed to figure out myself.

At some point during Lent, the idea that I wasn't good enough entered my mind. The people pleasing part of myself that I had worked so hard to tone down was back and worse than ever. I wasn't knowledgeable enough to defend the Faith or to even talk about. I didn't show my love of God enough while others made it look effortless. I had to impress this person. I had to impress that person. This was at a time when my friendships were thrown into disarray as well, so I was questioning a lot of different things. I sort of fell into this pattern of trying to keep up with everyone as well as please them... and that wasn't making me happy. (side note: yes, I know life isn't about making myself happy or comfortable, but you know what I mean.)

Here is where the vocation part comes into play: I realized that I was trying to impress someone but I wasn't being myself in the process. I can feel my cheeks flush as I admit this. I feel as if my vocation discernment is moving forward after being stagnant for years... and I'm terribly out of practice. I took myself out "off the market" for years because of what I had going on. From ages 17 through 24, my focus was helping take care of my father. When he passed, my focus became graduating college (which I'd put on hold for a while). After graduating college, my focus on getting a job so I could contribute to the households expenses. Then it became getting my Bachelor of Science in speech-language pathology so I could have a stable, good paying job instead of following my heart of doing the Master of Arts in Theology. As y'all know, last November I'd pushed myself to the point where I got physically sick and had to take a break from school while my body tried (and is still trying) to recover. Vocation? Always on the back-burner until recently. That's 12 years of not dating and having only one major crush that lasted years.

I don't remember if I've written about this in the past but I've been keeping a notebook of letters to my future husband for quite some time now. I try to write once every two weeks. Today is scheduled as my next letter... and I'm going to 'fess up to acting like a massive dork (especially around a guy) because I'd forgotten what was important. Hey, I'm sharing my adventures during the waiting period with him. ;)

Here are what my new goals are since I've reflected on my past actions:
- Those "not good enough" thoughts that have crept into my mind? Crummy thoughts meet novenas to the Holy Spirit and Mary Undoer of Knots. In fact, I think it was the recent novena to Mama Mary that helped me realize my actions. Pentecost is coming up (as is one of my favorite novenas to the Holy Spirit) so that will be up next.
- Not feeling like I'm knowledgeable enough? *shrugs* That's why I'm going to be attending grad school in a couple of months. In the meantime, I really want to make a dent into the long list of Catholic books I want to read before I begin school. I don't know when will be the next time I have a long period of time in which I have basically nothing to do but rest and write whatever I want.
- Not feeling like I show my love for God enough? Okay, maybe I don't express it as often through social media as some of my peers do but He knows how much I love Him.
- Impressing people? I'm not going back to that. I've disappointed myself too much to repeat it. The worst part was that I didn't even realize what I was doing until a couple of weeks into my actions. Sigh. Also, any guy who is worth my time will not make me feel like I will need to impress him all the time in order for him to like me. I'm quiet, kind of shy at times, and a massive nerd. Take it or leave it, gentlemen. lol. ;)

Other fun goals for myself:
- Start saving up for a trip to the Vatican and to Ireland (I really want to hike Mt. Croagh Patrick) after I graduate from grad school. I have roughly two years to make this happen. :)
- Get my "to-do" list under 5 things. See, I have a long list of things I really want to do but don't because of whatever excuse comes up. I really do like crossing things off my list so that's fun for me. Yes, I'm a nerd... and proud. ;)
- Finish my third novel by the end of summer. It's do-able; I wrote London Calling in 28 days. :D
- Start an indoor garden of some sort. I live in an apartment so my options are limited but I am home almost all day on most days so I can always water plants and make sure they get enough sunlight. :)
- Daily Mass. I really do miss going to daily Mass and I'm trying to slowly build up my red blood cells with the new iron pills so I should have more energy in the near future.

Anyway, just felt like sharing this. Yes, I failed but hopefully someone will learn from my mistakes. :)

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to go do a couple of things before my guilty pleasure show (19 Kids and Counting) begins. ;)

As always, thanks and reading and God bless! :D

A Blogging Change; Back to 1.0

Sorry for not writing for over a week but I've been busy and/or sick (stress-induced physical symptoms like extreme fatigue). But I'm here to tell you why I'm changing my blogging style a little bit...

Do you know what I miss? I sort of miss having anonymity. I miss the days in which very few people knew who I really was because it allowed me to be more open. I'm not saying that it's bad that people have gotten to know me better but I miss having the chance to be more candid about what was going on in my life. I feel like I can't really do that anymore because a good number of you know me personally (having met offline; for that I am NOT sorry) and I feel (and know) that some of you automatically begin to wonder who I am talking about if I mention someone on the blog. That's a big reason why I don't talk about my relationships or why I'm very vague and not specific about that part of my life. (side note: the bigger part of that is because I like those feelings and thoughts to stay between myself and the person that I love.) It feels so good to have that part to myself. However, I feel like in some respect I've failed to uphold a promise I made to myself when I started the blog: not to hold anything back... and I want to get back that.

That doesn't mean I'm going to be an open book. But I think I'm going to ditch some of the blogging habits I've developed over the past couple of years. I was considering that when Clare wrote about why she wasn't blogging more regularly and how she doesn't care about popularity. Thanks to Clare (who I've always adored and who consistently inspires me to be a more Godly woman), I was reminded of the joys I had before I felt the pressure to produce certain kinds of blog posts. "But *insert name of high-profile Catholic person* says you're great, I expect high quality posts/a better and/or holier person" and/or "You're a writer, I expect you to write like one" you might be saying. Yes, I've been personally told at least one of these things recently (though I paraphrased.) Like Clare, I don't care about popularity in the Catholic world. I just want to express myself. So... welcome to Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer, back to 1.0.

Here are how most of my posts will sound like:

Can I just say how excited I am about praying the Rosary more often? I'm so happy that I've asked a fellow Kindred Spirit (yes, we even call each other KS because we're nerdy like that ;D) to be my accountability partner because it motivates me to not be put into a cone of shame for failing. I failed last night BUT I got day six of the novena to Our Lady of Lourdes in as well as my nightly prayers so it's not like I failed to pray altogether; I just ran out of time. Oops. Yes, I will wear my cone of shame today because I failed to better manage my time yesterday. Oh, Sundays... why do I fail to pray on Sundays (outside of Mass)? *shakes fist* Mof-bama!!! (That's Steven Moffat and Obama put together; inside joke with my twinnie.)

You know what I'm really sad about? The fact that my fatigue has gotten so bad that I still can't wake up early enough to attend daily Mass or even the first Mass of the day on Sundays. I miss daily Mass; it was the highlight of my day when I was able to do it. The first Mass on Sunday mornings is my absolute favorite as well. It's quiet (no music except for the nuns and my SD singing) and it's more my speed...

Okay, so here's the real reason why I want to return to the 6:45 a.m. Mass: there's this guy at our (for now) usual Mass that has a habit of looking in my direction quite often (homeboy doesn't even hide it; it's so obvious that I've had someone else comment on it) and that throws me off. I just want to focus on listening and feeling like I'm there for God. Why do you think I like mantillas so much (other than what it symbolizes)? Because it creates a sort of curtain that helps me focus on the fact that what's right in front of me (the Mass being celebrated) is what matters the most. It blocks out all the outside distractions and when the guy (who will usually sits a couple of pews in front of me and usually within my view; hey, I get there before he does so I pick my pew before he does) distracts me; it makes me self-conscience. God, please help me find a way to combat this fatigue so I can get up to both daily Mass and the 6:45 a.m. Mass on Sundays. Please. I would be so happy if I could do both. I'm sure the guy is nice and all but I'm just not interested and I'm really not a fan of unwanted attention. No me gusta!

... and that is all I'm cramming into this blog post. lol. I have more to write but I'll save it for the next time. No deadlines for this; I'll write when the mood strikes... which is actually more often than not but I've been so tired lately that all I really want to do is sleep all day.

Verso l'alto? Verso l'alto! That reminds me... I should finish the Bl. Pier Giorgio novel I'm reading... after I clean the house. I know the doctor said no exercise but I think the inactivity is actually making me feel even more tired and sleepy. Eh, I'll just sort of dance while I vacuum. Compromise, right? It's not a full workout but it's not me not doing anything. Yeah, that works (or so I'm telling myself).

Alright, I'm off to get some light exercise (I said "light," doc...) and then see what else I can do while I'm not too tired. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Failing This Advent

You read the blog post title correctly: I have failed at preparing during this Advent season. As my penance, I will tell you how I have failed and what I plan to do to make up for it.

I actually did prepare for Advent ahead of time: I bought the Advent wreath candles weeks in advance and we've used the same Advent wreath for years so I didn't have to look for one. I had the Nativity stored next to the Advent wreath in my book room. I had a Ven. Fulton Sheen Advent booklet ready on my bookshelf. I had the links to the various Advent calendars online... and I did NONE of it until this week. I had everything ready and I failed to get started in time. Good job, Emmy.

It's not that I didn't have time. I did... and didn't. The problem is that, with the publishing deadlines coming up on Thursday (to be released on Friday), I've focused solely on that; getting what had deadlines instead of spending more time reflecting on the season. I've spent nearly a week just fixing the formatting on the first novel manuscript (yes, I've had to send it back to CreateSpace a minimum of a dozen times because something always came up wrong) and I'm now rushing through last minute edits for the sequel to meet deadlines. All of that has caused me to push back prayers and preparation. Trust me, I feel awful because this is my favorite time of year. In a way, I'm actually glad that it happened because I feel as if my prayer life has been all over the place (in a bad way) and this has forced me to really look at what I want to change in my life. So, here is my plan of attack:

Problem #1: my sleeping schedule is off in a horrible way. I go to sleep usually around 2:30 a.m. I get up at 4:30 a.m. and then take a nap until 10:30 a.m. to noon. I occasionally miss morning prayers because I'm often rushing to catch up on everything that should've been taken care of in the morning. I've tried to get up earlier (as well as go to bed earlier) but I just haven't been able to. It's hard because this is the schedule I've been used to for months. I got used to this wonky schedule when I was in the SLP program and I know it's going to take a while to get my sleeping schedule back on time.

Solution: I would like to start attending daily Mass again, especially since I won't have much to do from next week until I begin grad school (side note: no, I haven't heard from Franciscan or Christendom yet.) I used to be really good at going to daily Mass but then I got sick (low iron and low platelets make you feel exhausted at times) and then school messed up my schedule. I wanted to start attending daily Mass last week but my downstairs neighbors decided to no longer care that my mother gets up at 4:00 a.m. for work and they started making noise and slamming closet doors between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. Sometimes we don't get enough sleep. I sometimes pass out and sleep through alarms from the exhaustion of not getting the sleep that I need. I know I won't get a chance to this week but next week I will try again... even if it means asking a friend to call me each morning at 7:30 a.m. to make sure I'm up.

Problem #2: my prayer life is in a pitiful state. I'm embarrassed every time my spiritual director asks me how my prayer life is because it's terrible. I used to go to the local parish and pray in front of the tabernacle on a daily (or almost daily) basis... and now? I don't even recognize myself anymore. As I said before, I don't always get my morning prayers in (though I've managed to make it through almost two weeks without missing more than one) but I do get to my nighttime prayers as well as prayer requests (I try to do this immediately after being asked.) It's not enough though. Ask me when the last time I prayed the Rosary was? Answer: I don't have a clue. It's bad, y'all... it's really, really bad. I hate to say it but I've placed so much importance on other things that "have to get done" that my prayer life has taken a back seat to everything else. Bad Emmy!

Solution: I'm scheduling my day until my busy schedule becomes more manageable. I have a Wunderlist app that usually helps but my iPod touch is on the fritz (I just sent it in to get repaired) so I'm going to set up the obnoxious alarms on my cell phone. I am going to try to set up my schedule according to the Liturgy of the Hours because I know it's do-able with my schedule, even at its craziest. This is going to be really hard for me because I've gotten so used to be "on the go" without praying much during the day (with nighttime being the exception). No one said this was going to be easy but, man, I can already anticipate me struggling with this during this week. Deadlines... ugh...

Problem #3: distractions and anxiety, my dear Watson... distractions and anxiety. I've been way too easily distracted lately. No, forget "lately" -- my attention has been taken away from prayer and God for months now. First the craziness of school (when I didn't even have time to eat or sleep at times) and then the craziness of novel deadlines and distractions in the form of all things virtual. I'm actually glad that my iPod touch decided to malfunction because I was constantly checking it; checking Twitter, FB, Instagram, emails, Google Talk, etc. I'm way too connected.

Solution: Disconnect! I uninstalled games on iPod and laptop. From today until (at least) Christmas, I'm again limiting my time on social networks. Luckily, this week's deadline will prevent me from having much interaction on social networks anyway. I'm logging myself off of Google Talk when I'm logged into gmail (except for when I do have a few minutes to chat). With my iPod being in the repair shop, I won't have notifications (either on the screen or the sound of them) to distract me. Once I get my iPod back, I'll rearrange apps, delete some, disable notifications, etc. I'm done. I really I am; I'm already stressed about deadlines and being hyper-connected does not help at all. I'm also going to ask "Santa" for the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the physical book form because I'm using my iPod to pray it and sometimes notifications pop up and distract me in the middle of prayer. No mas!

If someone (whom I know well) doesn't mind being my accountability buddy, I could use one or two to make sure I stay on track. Seriously, y'all... check in on me and get on my case if you see me slipping. Alright, that's enough of me getting on my case about failing this Advent. lol. I will try to stay on course for the rest of this season (yes, even going back to reading the past readings and Advent calendar goodies I've missed).

My eyes are tired of staring at the screen so I'm going to take a break by doing something else offline for a little while. I do have a deadline but I think I'm going to end up doing the whole Pomodoro technique because I need more breaks to refresh my eyes and mind than I actually take. Yeah, I'm going to do that now. :D

I hope y'all are having a better Advent season than I am. lol. If you have any prayer requests, please load me up!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes, Vol.19: Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati Edition

First, I want to wish all my fellow Americans a Happy Independence Day. Be safe and have fun during your celebrations.

Today is the feast day of my favorite soon-to-be saint, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. I was actually kind of sad that I ended the novena yesterday because I noticed the difference in my outlook on life during the novena. While the personal intention is private, I will say that it definitely helped me reevaluate certain things that had been on my mind (including a big decision I've had to make). So, in honor of the saint I've adopted as my "spiritual big brother", here's 7 ways Bl. PGF has helped me throughout 20s.

-- 1 --

I first became acquainted with Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati during the 2008 World Youth Day celebrations in Sydney. I didn't personally go to Sydney but I did follow it via the XT3 (when it was still a brand new website; yes, I'm still on it though I don't actively participate as much these days). While it took me a couple of months to actually look up his story, I was immediately impressed with it; so much courage, faith, and love for Christ in such a short time on this earth. It was two years after my reversion and I didn't know how he would help shape the rest of my 20s.

-- 2 --

This was the first year (in years) that I didn't do the Bl. PGF novena on this blog because I knew I wouldn't have the time. I didn't forget to do the novena (I finished it last night) but I also knew that I didn't have the time to either post it every day or even schedule it ahead of time because of how crunched for time I've been with school lately. I'm barely getting time to study for exams (though I do have an hour today... hence this blog post) but I hope to resume the tradition next year. If you've never done the novena, I highly recommend it. I've personally seen the difference in the way I think and act (in a good way) while I do the novena and the effects stay with me for a good, long while. Do it! You'll love it.

-- 3 -- 

I believe that Bl. PGF helped me during my father's death. As I wrote last year, there was some similarities between Bl. PGF's death and my father's death. One thing that I just realized (while writing this post) is that Bl. PGF died at the age of 24, while I had my father on this earth for the first 24 years of my life. Anyway, I prayed for Bl. PGF's intercession when my father was in the hospital (I even placed a picture of Bl. PGF in front of my dad's bed). On his feast day, 5 years ago today, I asked him for a miracle. We didn't quite get the miracle we wanted but I do feel like Bl. PGF intercede in another way. I believe that through his intercession (as well as the prayers from everyone else), I was able to keep it together. I didn't fall apart, which is what most people probably expect. If you've read the blog post I wrote after my father's funeral, you can see what I mean. This hasn't been the only time Bl. PGF has intercede for me.

-- 4 --

Readers of this blog who've stuck around since either before or while I was at my dreadful alma mater (and I say dreadful because of their CINO ways) know that I was pretty miserable at the school because of the things that were "taught" there. Bl. PGF and St. Therese of Lisieux both helped me during my two years there. St. Therese helped remind me to counter some of the dirty looks I received with love. Bl. PGF helped remind me that I had to fight so that the Truth would be heard by my classmates. While I wasn't unable to speak up during the majority of the lectures (my professors quickly knew where I stood in my beliefs), I was still able to do little things to counter the unorthodox liberation theology we were exposed to.

-- 5 -- 

Who is responsible for my daily Mass addiction? Take one guess. lol. Over the years I've become a big fan of attending daily Mass. Reading about how much Bl. PGF loved to attend daily Mass and receiving the Eucharist has inspired me to do the same. When my anxiety was worse (years before it was officially diagnosed as PTSD) and I wanted to receive the Eucharist, I would try to imagine him standing next to me, holding me up (with Mama Mary or St. Therese at my other side) when I would feel as if my knees would buckle under me. While it's been a while since I've attended daily Mass (the fatigue I've felt over the last 2-3 months has been intense at times), I've been wanting to renew my daily trips. I hope to do so starting tomorrow. :)

-- 6 --

If you want to learn more about Bl. PGF, I'd recommend reading A Man of the Beatitudes: Pier Giorgio Frassati by his sister Luciana, My Brother Pier Giorgio: His Final Days also by Luciana, and/or Pier Giorgio Frassati: Letters to His Friends and Family edited by Fr. Timothy E. Deeter and Christine M. Wohar. I've read (but not finished all; oops) all three and I highly recommend them. I still have to finish the book on his Letters but it's been so beautiful and encouraging thus far. Oh! Brandon Vogt is giving away the Man of the Beatitudes book AND a DVD on the EWTN special they did on Bl. PGF (which I also own). I thought I'd pass it along if y'all wanted a chance to win. Go. Do it!

-- 7 --

This is my Bl. PGF Tiny Saint that my mom bought me at the Cathedral a few months ago. He goes everywhere with me, along with the Mary Undoer of Knots key chain that Angelica sent me for Christmas. As I continue to discern joining the Dominican lay order (guess who inspired me to look into becoming a Dominican, even though I was originally headed down the Carmelite path), I shall continue to keep my "spiritual big brother" as a role model. It doesn't matter that I am now older than he was while he was on this earth, I know that he will continue to look after me as any big brother would over his little sister. :)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that is all the fangirling I have a chance to do at this time. lol. I have lunch to take care of, a mother to pick up from work, and two exams/quizzes to study for. Did I mention that we COMD students don't get holidays off? Working straight until (at least) the end of this month. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Best. Week. Ever. Thank you, God!

Isn't my new desktop crucifix pretty? It comes from the Holy Land. *insert Catholic fangirling squeals* 

Having a week that is packed with back-to-back good news and events is rare. However, I am declaring last week the "best week ever"... or at least of the past 4 years. So just what happened to make it the best week ever? I shall tell you.

I know y'all know about my big news from last week's What I Learned Wednesday post; that I was accepted to Utah State's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. If you read the post you know that I'm only doing this in the meantime (the financial crunch in an expensive city is real, y'all) and that I will pursue a Master of Arts in Theology when things are a little more financially stable (and I am more prepared to teach or do something with the degree). That was huge... but then things got better.

On Thursday, I went in for my follow-up doctor's appointment. They made me wait nearly 3 months for my gluten test results. My doctor is actually new as my former doctor abruptly left so he didn't know I was supposed to get my results. I did ask him before I left and he said that they had come back negative. That means that after a three month Eucharist-free life, I can once again receive it.

I was on cloud 9 when I heard that. I had not attended daily Mass because I cried every time I went to Mass and couldn't receive the Eucharist in either form and going to daily Mass would've been torture for me (not to mention emotionally draining). And before you ask (and I got this asked a lot), I couldn't do wine because I had a bad reaction the last time I had done it. After you spend the day in bed with bodily aches, you tend to not try what made you sick again. I actually let my SD know at Mass yesterday and I think he was as stoked as I was because he saw how it drained me. 

So, daily Mass and communion starts again tomorrow. I couldn't yesterday because I haven't gone to confession in two weeks and I missed Mass last Sunday so I didn't feel right receiving (even though I was sick last Sunday). Thankfully my parish has confessions 4 times a week so I can go tomorrow. :D Odds are I will cry tears of joy. Y'all don't know just how much I ache (yes, ache; sounds dramatic but I don't know how else to describe it) for the Eucharist. Sure, I offered it up but to be able to receive again is amazing.

And then on Saturday came a huge day for me. As many of you know, I have so much respect for Patrick Madrid for several reasons. He gave me my first real break as a writer by publishing two of my articles in Envoy Magazine (issues 9.3 and 10.1). Not only that, he kept in touch with me while I was at my horrible CINO college alma mater and offered me the support I needed to get through it in one piece. He's sort of like a second dad (and I've even jokingly asked him to adopt me) and I feel blessed. 

Patrick talking about why he's Catholic. Taken from the merch table where I was hanging out.

Well, this past Saturday I was finally able to meet him in person for the first time since I "met" him online over 4 years ago. He was a speaker at the Catholic apologetics conference that was held at the St. Joseph Center in Alhambra (run by the wonderful Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart of Los Angeles). I didn't get to talk to him for long but I was happy for the time we did get to chat. (side note: For the record: no, I am not posting the picture that I took with Patrick because, as some of you know, I was threatened and it was substantial enough that it was decided that it was no longer safe for me to post any pictures of myself online.)

I did not stay for the entire conference (insert rant about the transportation network/system I use), I was able to stay for part of it and, I have to say, it definitely reminded me of why I love being Catholic. If you haven't gone to an event where he's speaking at, I highly recommend you do. The "okay, young lady, Theology as soon as possible" feeling definitely burned brighter in my heart. I know God wants me to do something for the Church but I also know He wants me to take care of other things before I can do this.

By the end of the week (Sunday) I was feeling pretty awesome. I had an amazing week and it ended with me getting a crucifix from the Holy Land *points to first picture in post*. All of this got me thinking about how I may never not think that everything happens for a reason.

I have this motto for whenever I feel like the world is crumbling around me: we go through hard times because something wonderful is coming up and it'll make us appreciate it that much more. I truly believe this. I have been struggling with stomach problems for over a year now yet and, as part of doctor tests, I couldn't receive the Eucharist for a couple of months. If I loved it (Eucharist) before, I am even more enamoured with it now. I struggled at a terrible school where professors made me feel like I was a thorn in their side and was nothing but an unwanted pest, and I got accepted (in three days!) to my top choice for my pre-MA SLP program.

All I could do during Mass was smile and thank Him for all the blessings he had bestowed on me last week. I try to thank Him for everything that has happened in the past but all these things have made me even more hyper-aware of all the blessings I get, whether or not they are good. Even the bad things have a silver lining that show God's love for us.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this all with you. I also want to thank all of you who have consistently prayed for me; for my health, for my school situation, etc. I couldn't have gotten to where I am without y'all. :)

That's it for now. I have a couple of things to do -- including planing a wedding before next Friday. Yep. Last minute plans though this has been a wedding in the making for several years now. A bit of a headache but it's a fun one and I get to look at beautiful churches in England soon. ;)

I hope y'all had a wonderful weekend and have a fantastic week this week.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Three Years Since Dad Passed and He's Still Teaching Me

This blog didn't end up the way I intended but you're welcome to read my ramblings anyway. :)

I can't believe it's been three years since my dad passed away. Three years ago exactly today. I still think it's quite interesting that he died on the feast day of St. Benedict of Nursia who is a patron saint for dying people. I've already written about my feelings two days before he passed, about the day he died on this blog post as well as a more detail account of my father's reversion in this issue of Envoy Magazine so I won't repeat it.

The last three years have gone by really fast. I'm starting to forget things like the way he sounded when he spoke as well as his facial expressions. I remember my favorite memories of him and I've nearly completely forgotten all the bad ones (which is good). We're now very used to our new life... but it still feels weird. I occasionally still think (when I'm half asleep) that he's going to get home from dropping off mom from work in the morning... even though that is now my responsibility. I've honestly forgotten the routine we had (as a family) prior to his passing. I'm not going to dwell on this though; I'm going to talk about the positive things that this anniversary have brought.

Though I have been in a completely foul mood (though this is a combination of nosy neighbors and the anniversary happening at once) and a lot of my worst traits have come up (like completely shutting down when I'm angry), I feel like this is a good thing. Never have I ever been more hyper-aware of my actions and words. With all the negative coming out, I've been able to pinpoint what I have to work on as well as what I can do to either prevent it or how to deal with things in a better way. A lot of times I think about my dad and how he dealt with things and I adjust both my thinking and actions accordingly. To be honest, in a way I feel like I'm getting ready for the next step God wants me to take. I've been feeling it since last month but the feeling has gotten stronger lately. I don't know what that next step is (possibly career related since I am looking for a job still) but I'm definitely changing for the better.

I haven't been attending daily Mass (though I really, really want to) as of late but I've been getting in the habit of praying for others. You know, actually praying for others instead of just saying I will. Let's be honest, most of us do this: we say we'll pray for someone but then we get sidetracked and never actually do it. Intention is there but we stink at the execution of the intention. I usually get everyone in the day's Rosary and, if I get late requests, I save them for the next day. If they are urgent or unique, I do it individually instead with the Rosary. Sometimes I get 20-25 requests on Twitter and Facebook (especially when I post something about it) and sometimes I only have one prayer request so I add people who haven't been asked me for prayer request but still feel the urge to pray for them. (side note: You can always tweet/DM me or post a request on the FB page.) I've been offering up the anxiety I've had up for the more urgent requests... and it's all done me a world of good. My anxiety's been down (hopefully I didn't just jinx myself, lol) and I generally just feel better. I try to do at least one act of charity (even when I'm in a bad mood) anonymously. I actually prefer that no one knows what I do or for who. :) And, as I mentioned in the last blog post, I used to get ridiculed for wanting to help but now I don't have that fear so I am doing more and more.

I've found myself drawn to praying in front of the tabernacle more often as well. Due to my anxiety, I haven't been attending Mass as often as I want (though the last two times were successful) but I'm definitely in "must pray" mode for the most part. And, before anyone asks again, yes, I am sure my vocation is not a religious one. lol. If I can sit in front of the crucifix on my bedroom wall and just pray, I'm happy. There are some days when I don't feel very close to God but it's a struggle I'm happy to work through.

As for other positive changes: I'm slowly becoming less selfish and more charitable. My temper has gotten a workout lately (I don't like people trying to pry into my personal life) but I've noticed that a couple of things could've been prevented and that I brought some of it onto myself so I don't have anyone to blame but myself in those situations. I'm still learning (I truly believe we never stop learning nor bettering ourselves) and these things have really opened up my eyes to my actions. All of these things are connected to my dad but I won't say how because I want to honor him. Let's just say that even though he's gone, he's still teaching me about what is important and how to act in certain situations. :)

Anyway, this was more of a rambling than anything. Not exactly what I planned but things rarely go as planned. :) Before I go I will say: daddy, we still love and miss you terribly but we know you're in a better place. And, thank you for continuing to help shape the young woman that I am. You may not be here to scold me or to encourage me but I still remember that the last thing you told me was that you trusted me and my decisions and I'll carry that with me for the rest of my life. <3

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :) And don't forget to send me those prayer requests!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Ash Wednesday #AshTag? Yup.

Happy Ash Wednesday, y'all! I know this is late but I've been busy (mostly driving). Yes, those are my ashes on my freckled face. lol. My twitter is set to private and the #ashtag won't work because of it so I decided to just share it on here. :) I personally think Fr. Alexander made it look like a dove. ;)

I went to Mass this morning as usual and was very excited to see the entire church packed(standing room only) at 8 a.m. I'm not even going to criticize those who only attend Mass on Ash Wednesday, Easter, and Christmas because it's not my place to. Anyway, after Mass I received my ashes and have had to keep myself from accidentally touching them. lol.

I had my first "What's that on your forehead?" comment early on (at 10 something in the morning) and I followed that with an explanation on why we did it. The response to my explanation was "well, I'm Christian... we don't do that." Since I'm trying to not start any problems, I just thought "Well, I'm Christian too and I still did it." (Friendly reminder to those who didn't know: Catholics are technically Christian since we believe in Jesus Christ.) I got looks throughout the day but I didn't pay attention. Mom said Christian co-workers made fun of her and other fellow Catholics at work and then spewed hatred... you know, stuff we Catholics have unfortunately heard at some point of our lives.

Since this is a quick post, I won't write what I'm giving up for Lent... mostly because I'm not really giving up anything. I'm actually adding. I'll explain it all (hopefully) tomorrow since I'm exhausted from the driving and I have an early morning tomorrow with my Thesis adviser.

Quick question for those who will read this (since they are still up)... are any of you leaving your ashes on until they fade or are you washing it off today/tomorrow? I am always curious because everyone seems to have their own tradition regarding this. :)

Okay, that's it for now. This sinner just wanted to share my ashes with y'all. Hope the week's been going well for y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Let's Hear it for Daily Mass, Ladies and Gentlemen!

I love LOL Saints pictures. :)

Seriously though, let's have a round of applause for having the option to attend daily Mass. *claps* I cannot begin to describe how happy I am to go on an (almost) daily basis. I don't take it for granted because I know that some people live in rural areas where Mass isn't celebrated often. Also, I know most of us have crazy hectic lives and we can't always attend daily Mass. I myself can't go on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I have classes but I try to go on all other days. Even if, for some reason, I can't receive communion, I don't feel right if I don't go.

I was reflecting on this prior to Mass yesterday. I feel almost empty and incomplete when I don't attend Mass. It's like I miss out on something amazing (which I think I do). I didn't go today because I was so physically exhausted that I simply couldn't get out of bed because I felt a bit shaky. I do vaguely remember saying (out loud) "I do love you, God, but I am not feeling that great right now" before falling back asleep this morning. And now my day feels a bit off. (side note: I also didn't go to confession today but I wasn't in need of it (thank God) so I'm okay there.) I don't know why but this desire to attend daily Mass only increases as the weeks pass. I'm very grateful for the feeling though. It's already helped me out a lot.

As I said in a previous blog post, one of the things that I've noticed about attending daily Mass is that I am more conscience of my actions. I am able to be more charitable towards people who treat me poorly for whatever reason. I am more aware of when I could potentially do something wrong and/or sinful and I realize things early enough to be able to correct my actions. After receiving the Eucharist each morning, I feel complete. I feel so much more relaxed and calm throughout the day. My anxiety and stress levels due to school related things may be up but I still somehow feel better in general.

I know my vocation is sadly not a religious one (as much as I would've loved it to be; I grew up wanting to be a Carmelite nun) so I've been contemplating potentially becoming a Tertiary (Third Order) Carmelite or Dominican. I have such an intense desire to be a part of the Church and since I am not called to be a nun then I feel like maybe this is the right step for me. Both Orders really appeal to me so I will have to pray about this and see which one I would most benefit from as well as be able to contribute to. I've considered this step for a long time but it's only intensified with my daily trips to the nearby parish. :)

Another thing that has come up with my trips to daily Mass: I am not entirely sure I want to teach after I graduate. I mean, I do want to spread the Word and teach younger generations the Truth but I am not sure I would last very long in a classroom. My heart and head are both telling me that I would be happy working with children as well as with older adults so I don't know. I know in my heart that I really want to help others and that I want to share the love I have for God with as many people as I possibly can but I'm very confused as to where I will go after graduation. I am taking a year off to work before I pursue my Master's degree but I think it would be a little less stressful if I had a game plan for the Fall. If y'all can please pray for this, I would greatly appreciate it. Right now all I can do is pray and keep myself open to whatever God has in store for me.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing these random thoughts. I have noticed that my readership in both this blog and my tweets has gone down considerably (and I am not complaining at all!) so I feel less pressured to write something amazing. Back to the "writing how I feel... even if it's incredibly sappy and emotional" plan. ;)

I have the rest of the evening and tomorrow off (I am mentally drained after reading close to 400 pages for classes this week) so I am going to enjoy it with a little movie marathon.

I hope y'all had a great week and will have a great weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Daily Mass Addictions and School Afflictions

Hello. My name is Emmy and I am a Daily Mass addict. No, seriously. Just ask Joe who made me realize it yesterday. One day, last week, I woke up with an overwhelming urge to attend daily Mass and I've gone every day since. The only days I've missed have been days which I attend classes and am thus unable to attend Mass. (side note: my school is roughly 15 miles from where I live but we have notoriously horrible traffic -- 45 mins to 3 HOURS one way, depending on how bad it is -- so I can't get to/from Mass on time.) I don't know how/why it started but I am not complaining. It all started with a spontaneous idea to go into the chapel on campus to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy before class and it's now Daily Mass followed by the Chaplet. I don't feel right not going to Mass. I've never adapted to a change in my schedule/daily routine to quickly before. Is it weird to say that I feel empty not attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist every day? I honestly can't imagine myself not attending Mass on a daily basis anymore. Everything's changed... and I love this change.

Instead of sleeping until 9-10 a.m. like I would on days I didn't have to go to campus, I get up at 7:30 (or as close to it as I can) in order to eat something light, an hour before communion, since I know I can't fast without feeling faint. I tried that (fasting) last week and I nearly fainted while praying the Rosary. (second side note: Oh yes, I have also joined a group of parishioners that pray the Rosary, novenas, and chaplets after morning Mass. :D) I don't get enough sleep anymore but I am not as tired as I thought I would be. The insomnia I experienced the last couple of week has gotten better, I'm a lot more calm (though anxiety's been worse... more on that later), the sun is brighter, etc. I'm also more aware of my actions and of thinking before speaking which helps me not be in need of confession as frequently. That is terribly important to me. Whenever I go to Mass in the morning I am reminded of two Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati quotes:

"I urge you with all the strength of my soul to approach the Eucharist Table as often as possible. Feed on this Bread of the Angels from which you will draw the strength to fight inner struggles."

AND

(in a letter to his friend, "Tonino", dated 8/13/1923): "... when one goes into the mountains one should sort out one's conscience first, because one never knows if one will return."

That last quote is on page 134 of the book Pier Giorgio Frassati: Letters to His Friends and Family. In that letter to his friend, Bl. Pier Giorgio, an avid mountain climber and sportsman, talks about the importance of going to confession after the death of a fellow mountain climber. In previous letters he also wrote about how important it was for him to receive the Eucharist before he climbed mountains. Of course, I'm not a mountain climber (I'm, at best, a lover of hikes) but I can relate to it in more ways than one. I'm always either driving or being driven. A day on which I don't drive is rare. Not only that, I attend a school which has a campus up on a mountain. The view is spectacular when you're outside but as soon as I go inside, it's a fight against the liberal, dare I say heretical, teachings I encounter inside. Just like Bl. Pier Giorgio, I think I need to receive the Eucharist daily to remind me of who I am, who am I not nor will I be in order to fit in, and that I have my Heavenly Father looking out for me. I am not in physical danger (at least not like Bl. Pier Giorgio was when he climbed) but I do feel my soul is in danger (though one I am aware of as to not fall) each time I step foot on that campus.

And that leads me to the reason why I think my anxiety's been worse lately. Well, partly. I've noticed that my anxiety gets worse on the days before I have to go class as well as the first part of the day. And it goes back to one thing... or, I should say, one person: my music professor. As I've mentioned before, she does not like me... or so it seems. I thought we'd had a breakthrough last week when she tried to understand what it's like to be a student with anxiety but this week it's gone sour again. I haven't felt so personally attacked by a professor in quite a while. She skips over me when my hand is raised for a question, she tells me to be quiet when I volunteer to answer (when no one else wants to), she finds the littlest things to reprimand me on even though I am not doing anything bad, and I am never write. Saint and religion question: I am NEVER right. Of course, I get online after class (I don't do it during out of respect for my professors) and I check to see if I was right... and I am. Yesterday I had my hand raised for the longest time and a classmate even motioned to her that I had the answer but she skipped me. She didn't come back to me until several minutes after I put down my hand and then my answer was "wrong." I don't talk back to her or anything, mostly because my parents taught me to respect my elders and partly because I'm too busy trying to catch my breathing in her class (trying not to hyperventilate due to anxiety).

I will also admit that all of this has gotten me down the past couple of weeks... but it's been most obvious the last week. Yesterday I was one big weepy/mopey mess. She really made me feel like I was a speck of dirt that was bothering her and it really messed up my day. Though I can normally just forget about people not liking me, the fact that she's been this way since day one (yes, since the first day of classes) and that she finds new ways of making me feel like crumbs has gotten to me. She's going to cancel classes a couple of times next month and in April and I am sorry to say that I very much look forward to those days. I offer up every little thing she says to make me feel horrible and keep track of it on my St. Therese Sacrifice Beads. If you guys can please say a pray that I can make it through the next 2 months and 4 weeks (the countdown is on your left hand side) and that I actually pass my classes so that I can graduate, I would be so grateful.

Okay, I think I've unintentionally procrastinated longer than I anticipated. lol. I have to do coursework for a presentation tomorrow as well as a fellow up meeting with my Thesis adviser so I really need to get to work.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far and if any of you need me to offer up one of my bad days for a special intention you may have, let me know. I'd gladly do it. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Happy St. Brigid's Feast Day

Happy St. Brigid (of Ireland or of Kildare; however you may call her)'s Feast Day!!! As a Hibernophile (side note: this means I'm someone who is fond of Irish culture, the Irish language, and Ireland in general), I love celebrating Irish saints' feast days. Today is actually the first time I am celebrating St. Brigid of Ireland's feast day because a) I was always preoccupied with something else and I'd forget and b) she's helped bring a little more Faith into my household.

As some of you (the earliest of readers) may know, I've participated in the Irish Fireside's Christmas and St. Patrick's Day gift exchanges for the past 3 Christmases now. This past Christmas I was looking for the perfect gift to give my Secret Santa and at one of the local Irish import shops in L.A. I found St. Brigid's cross. I'd seen the cross before and, me being me, I was immediately drawn to it. I had actually already selected a gift for my Secret Santa but the cross just seemed right so I got it instead. I loved it so much, I actually bought one for myself as well. The store owner (a lovely woman from Ireland) told me that the crosses were actually handmade with rush from the River Shannon... at the exact spot where it is believed that St. Brigid made her own crosses. This is actually a picture I took of the cross we have (which I placed over our picture of The Last Supper and a painting of a Mexican market):

From 2012-02-01

Ever since I bought the cross there's been more a desire to learn about more saints as well as actually following through with certain things (such as going to confession more frequently for my mom and keeping myself in line as long as I can without having the need to go to confession). It's like the cross, which we see more than once a day, reminds us that we want to live better lives and keeps that thought in our minds. It's wonderful. :)

I've actually been trying to go to daily Mass more often but either I haven't because of school/obligations or I am unable to wake up early enough to attend. Trust me, sometimes I'm so exhausted that nothing will wake me up. Today I actually woke up 15 minutes before Mass started and got there 2 minutes before it started (perk of living less than a mile from the parish). I was so happy to be there, to be able to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy (which I started doing recently; every morning and at 3 p.m. if I can), and to be able to pray the Novena of the Miraculous Medal along with the priest and a pretty packed parish. I thought it was great that I was able to attend my first daily Mass of the year on St. Brigid's feast day. It feels appropriate and I feel so peaceful. :)

By the way, if you don't much about St. Brigid, I suggest you click the first link in this post; it'll take you to a brief bio on her. AND if you have kids or are a kid at heart (like me; long live arts and crafts!), the Irish Fireside's own post on St. Brigid's Day includes a youtube video on how to make your own St. Brigid's cross. :D

Alright, I don't want to procrastinate on my schoolwork because I have about 200 pages to read for tomorrow (oh, I wish I was kidding!) and I have to work on my Senior Thesis since my meetings for it are on Thursday mornings. :) I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. Oh, and don't forget that tomorrow is Candlemas. I hope to post something for it but I don't know since a) I'm going to try to find a Mass in the evening and b) I don't know how busy I will be for since I have more HW due on Friday for my online courses. Feel free to keep poking me about posting over often though. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Health Scares, Daily Masses, and Facebook Pages.

Not much has been going on with me hence the lack of posts. Last Friday I was told my thyroid levels were low and that I might have hypothyroidism which, to be honest, scares me because it would mean that I will be on medication for life and I don't do well with medication. I've had my cry and have gotten most of it out of my system. As I told my new Spiritual Director (yes, I finally got a new one! :D) when I say to God that I will do His will for me I do mean it but it scares the heck out of me to think that I have something that I will need medication for the rest of my life. There is a slight chance that the thyroid levels were a bit off since I had the blood work done while I was taking one of the stronger antibiotics for the horrible throat infection I had, and I do not have any of the symptoms of hypothyroidism, so I'm trying to not jump to any conclusions. I get my second round of blood work done in exactly a week and I get my full results on the 25th so we'll see what happens.

It's kind of funny that someone told me that I had the worst health luck out of anyone she knew because I don't think I do. I know so many people are far worse than I am, and at a much younger age, and I don't see things like my anxiety as a curse (in fact, I've come to see having anxiety as a blessing as I am able to offer up panic attacks for the souls in purgatory). As weird as it sounds, I feel closest to God when I am sick because it sort of takes me away from any selfish tendencies I might have and makes me focus on what is truly important and makes me more grateful for what I do have. At the same time, I'll admit that while doing the 54 Day Rosary Novena (I'm on day 41) I am praying for my health because I am about to enter my senior year of college and I want to make the most of it. Also, I want to work on my relationship with God while healthy because I feel like it needs a lot of work when I have no problems to deal with as opposed to when I am ill with something. As I said, as hard as it sometimes is for me to think that I am strong enough to handle whatever is handed to me, I know that God never gives us anything we can't handle and that as long as I do His will I'll be okay. Ultimately, I need to do what is right because my soul is what matters more than my mortal body.

And, speaking of that, I have been trying to attend daily Mass and it's been hit and miss. When my parish offers evening Masses, I am able to attend but when they only offer morning Masses (which is twice a week) I haven't been able to attend. I get very little sleep at night and in the wee hours of the morning because I have to take my mom to work at 4 a.m. My internal clock is so messed up (and my neighbors' drunken parties that end at 3 a.m. do not help) that I sleep anywhere between an hour to 3 before I have to get up and then it takes me anywhere between an hour to three to fall back asleep when I get home... yeah. I'll spare you guys the headache of figuring out the rest but let's just say that my favorite time of day (mornings) is wasted because I cannot keep a good sleeping schedule. My eating schedule is also off so it's a pain. I feel so at peace and so happy when I do go to daily Mass that not being able to attend Mass because my schedule is so off really bugs me. (And before I get any comments or advice, 1) I've tried everything (natural) to fall asleep early... 2) mom can't drive because she had a terrible car crash before I was born and is too nervous to drive... and 3) we cannot afford to pay taxis to take mom to work every day). I hope that my schedule will go back to normal (or at least that I will be allowed at least 5-6 hours of sleep without interruptions) when I go back to school since my classes will be in the morning and I cannot sleep until noon or 1 p.m. like I've been doing for the past two months. I will also have to get over my aversion of attending Mass on campus since I only have classes twice a week but those two days are the same ones on which they don't offer evening Masses. Oh what fun this all is, isn't it? By the way, if it sounded like a rant I'm sorry. That was not my intention. :)

Anyway, I think I've written long enough so I will say one more thing: this blog now has a Facebook Page so you can join and get updates whenever I have new posts. I know that it will be easier for some people than just checking every once in a while to see if anything has been updated. :) I need about 13 more people until I can get a proper URL (and therefore get a box to add to the blog) so please join if you can. :)

That's it for now. I'm currently reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (and have already read Emma and Northanger Abbey -- Happy "Emmy declares late July through mid August Jane Austen Month" month :D) and I want to get back to it. That and a certain someone who made a guest post on this blog has turned reading books into competition with me so, you know, I gotta get back to finishing my novels. :D

I hope y'all are doing well and that those who will return to school soon enjoy the rest of their summer vacation. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Saint Dreams, Part... I Seriously Lost Count.

*originally started August 4th but posted the 7th*

During the earlier days of this blog, I used to write about saint dreams I had. I used to have them more often in those days and then stopped for a while. They've been become frequent again and two have had the same message so I thought I'd share.

Those with whom I communicate on a fairly regular basis know that I haven't been feeling very close to God lately. I don't know why but I just can't concentrate as well as I have before while praying or making an earnest attempt to meditate. The more I try to get back on the track I was, the harder it is. When I make an effort to pray at a certain time, especially when it comes to the 54 day Rosary novena I am currently doing with Angelica, something gets in the way and it's delayed until it's almost too late (nearing midnight). I just feel like there's something blocking and I don't know how to get around it. I talked to my regular confessor about it but even with his advice I feel stuck. Maybe that's why I had the following dreams I am about to share. I won't go into great detail but just the gist so y'all will understand.

Last week I had a dream that involved me being inside a parish and seeing Bl. Pope John Paul II consecrating the Eucharist. I was there with two newlywed friends of mine (who were in their wedding attire) who could not see what I saw. Anyway, I was told that I needed to receiving the Eucharist every day. Last night I had another interesting dream in which both my vocation and the Eucharist was brought up. I've been having doubts about whether I had discern my vocation properly so it was interesting that it was brought up in my dream. Anyway, last night's dream involved St. John Vianney, whose feast day we are celebrating today. I was, once again, told that I needed to receive the Eucharist on a daily basis. There were mentions of spiritual attacks coming to me in the next couple of days but the main thing was that I needed to go to Mass daily. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Considering how I've been feeling, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what I need in my daily routine.

I normally don't put a lot of importance on my dreams because it's dangerous to think that you can predict things or are getting straight messages through your dreams. I've had quite a number of interesting dreams that I occasionally share with whomever else was in the dream with me but that's about it. These dreams, though, I cannot help but really think about. Whether they come from God or from my subconscious, I really feel a strong urge to go to Mass and receive the Eucharist daily. Like I said, maybe it's what I need to feel closer to God once again. Maybe it's something that will make me feel more complete. It'll be a challenge as my sleeping schedule is so out of whack most days and I return to school in a couple of weeks but I think I'm going to earnestly try to attend Mass daily -- especially in the morning as my evenings are usually crazier.

Anyway, I just wanted to share because I thought the dreams were awesome. I am happy that the saint dreams are returning after a short break from them (a break I didn't want).

I hope y'all have a great rest of week and enjoy this feast day. Say a pray for your parish priests. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!