More Hospital Visits (Update)

Wow, what a week it's been since the last update. I've been in the hospital three days for different reasons. If you're not following me on Twitter, you've missed a flurry of updates. Basically, on Mama Mary's birthday I went to the local ER (read: not the one where I'm a regular patient) for palpitations that lasted over an hour. Last time I had them that bad was when I had an infection and my body was fighting it off. They didn't do any tests except the EKG and dismissed it as anxiety when the EKG came back normal.

Fast forward to 4 days later (on Monday). I drove to the hospital feeling very dizzy and fatigued, assuming it was due to a lack of sleep. Still, I didn't want to miss having a heart holster fitted (for the palpitations) so I went in. The cardiology nurse who fitted the holster suggested I go to the ER because I didn't look great and was really dizzy. She also said I shouldn't be driving dizzy. That's true. I did take a lot of side streets and have someone in the car with me so it wasn't like I was being completely dumb. I wanted to wave it off but something made me listen to her. I didn't go to the ER but went to urgent care because I didn't think it was bad enough for the ER. Several tests later we found out my kidneys weren't working properly. Hello two big bags of IV fluids. The doctor said I had UTI and she thoughts my kidneys weren't working due to dehydration. After the stomach bug that lasted an entire week and then spending another week fatigued, I was and wasn't surprised about the dehydration. I'm usually good about my water intake especially when I'm sick but apparently I was also not replacing the sodium lost. Antibiotics given. I least I left the hospital with good news: red and white blood count as well as platelets were better than they were in late June. Still, I have pancytopenia (which means all three are lower than normal) so I have to take the folic acid pills along with vitamin C and iron to see if it's the abysmal folate level and the anemia (which I had for several months) that caused the pancytopenia.

Early this morning I received a call from one of the doctors that I "basically" didn't have a UTI after all; that I didn't have to take the antibiotics. Good thing I hadn't started them yet -- just got them filled and was about to start them literally minutes before the doctor called. My kidneys are "under the weather" but it might be because of the dehydration. I was supposed to return to the hospital today to get more tests done but was advised to hold it off until tomorrow to see the progress my kidneys. If there isn't an improvement, they'll do an ultrasound to see what's going on. At the moment they're not too worried, especially since I've been feeling better.

It's been a trip. Literally and figuratively. The hospital is a bit of a drive for me (especially since I refuse to drive on the freeways) so I'm glad I don't have any more trips to make in the foreseeable future. I went in yesterday to get the holster taken off but I wasn't there for more than maybe half an hour.

I would be lying if I said I haven't felt sad and frustrated over all of this. I've spent the past two days in tears. Before anyone tells me to trust God... yes, I know. I do but that doesn't mean that my very human emotions can be turned off easily. I do have my moments of feeling like I'm defeated but they don't last too long. Those tears are usually because I see my mother suffering (and it was her birthday yesterday) or because other people say rude remarks or make me feel bad. Sensitive gal over here, remember? Yes, I'm frustrated that it's happened at the busiest time for me. Yes, I'm sad that I can't seem to catch a break when it comes to my health. Yes, I do trust God and I sometimes think I deserve some of what I'm going through. Yes, I remember that Jesus suffered more than I ever will. Still, I feel deeply and tears do happen.

I've also missed a lot of study time. A lot. I've gotten no hours of studying for exams done since the semester began... two weeks ago. Yep. I've gotten my coursework done in time (although I've received some, well, not so kind remarks from classmates for not turning in my portion of what's due in a couple of days; yes, not due for a couple of days and already breathing down my neck over it) but zero for studying on the first exams... which are next week. I hope I still remember some of it from last time I took these courses because I won't get enough time to study like I would've liked.

And that's my update for now. I want to get the group collaboration questions for my very... special snowflake... classmates submitted so they'll give me a break and stop making me feel lousy for being sick and not having had the time to submit anything. Oh, I cried many a tears last night over their very public (read: on the course message board for all to see) comments about what a terrible and irresponsible classmate I am. Lesson for all: never assume things about someone because they may be going through something. Also, never expect anyone to go by your own deadlines... especially if you want to finish way before an assignment is due. Not expecting any apologies, to be honest, and that's okay.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me. I ask that you please continue to keep me in your prayers until we get another update on how my kidneys are doing. I hope they're on the mend and that they were not doing well (medical term is acute kidney injury... don't Google it like I did unless you want to worry like I did, lol) because of the dehydration.

Anyway... I'm going to get some coursework done. No rest until bedtime for this gal. Applying war paint now...

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

A Late Rebellion?

I chose whatever picture came up first on google. lol.

If you were to ask my mother or any member of my family if I ever went through a phase of rebellion in my teens, or at any point of my life, they would tell you that I didn't. My mom likes to tell the story of when I was a toddler and how I would sit very "ladylike" in my little frilly dresses, with the adults or off drawing somewhere by myself, while all the other children ran around and yelled. I was an active child, playing all sort of sports until my teens, but I knew when and where it was acceptable. I didn't talk back to my parents (or I don't remember ever doing it) nor did I ever miss curfew. Even when I went through my concert years, frequenting places such as the Roxy and the Troubadour as much as 4-5 times a week in my late teens, I always got home right after the concert was over. I didn't date guys neither of my parents approved of. Basically I was the textbook definition of a goody two shoes. I did some stupid things in my teens, don't get me wrong, but it was never out of rebellion. Despite being this way, I've found myself relishing in defying authority at school. Could this be a late rebellion?

I should say that while I do rant and rave on twitter and Facebook a lot, I'm actually laughing a good majority of the time... and I laugh at the ridiculousness that is being "taught." I need a sense of humor to survive at this school. (And, yes, I'm currently sitting in the commons typing this). My professors are treating me better and are trying to help me out so that I actually ace my courses this semester (huh, I wonder if it's the green scapular that goes everywhere with me...) but I still disagree with basic things that are taught. Could you sit in class while hearing things like "goddess existed before religions" and then saying that Our Lady is basically a goddess, blah blah blah? How about when hearing that by existing everyone is doing sex? Wait, wait... how about the "fact" that no one is completely heterosexual or homosexual and that we're at least 90% of one and 10% of another and that that's how God made us? Can you blame me for wanting to contradict them and/or for speaking out more than usual?

The thing is that I actually feel bad that I do "talk back" when they say something. They are being nice to me as a person but I still feel like my beliefs are being attacked. I know they are trying but, man oh man, what I wouldn't give for someone to go in and ask them to stop with the heresy/blasphemy. So, am I rebelling because my beliefs are attacked, as is my beloved Faith and Church, or am I just going through a phase? I don't know. Like I said, maybe it's a late rebellion. *shrugs*

Anyway, just wanted to get this off my chest and out in the open. I have Death and Afterlife in about 15 minutes so I should get moving. I hope we don't watch another euthanasia video because the one from Tuesday left me feeling depressed and teary eyed for about 24 hours. What can I say? Seeing people suffering, and especially seeing people want to end their lives because of the suffering, really affects me.

I hope everyone has had a great week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Verso L'Alto!

By now it shouldn't be a secret that I am huge fan of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. I've spent enough blog posts talking about what a great role model he is for my generation as well as the younger generation, especially in these modern times when values and morals are looked upon with contempt. As I was thinking about what I'd just experienced in one of my Religious Studies classes this morning one phrase came to mind: "Verso l'alto." It means "towards the heights" or "towards the top"... a phrase that has become synonymous with Bl. Pier Giorgio's name and his short time on earth.

During the first class this morning, two big (well, big to me) things happened. First, I keep bringing up the Latin Mass in class whenever I can and have been pestering my professor for the past couple of weeks about how it's valid and how it should be an option for our "Parish Visit" final project. (We have to go to 4 different kinds of Masses, Latin Mass not offered as an option.) Today the professor finally put the details of the TLM at St. Catherine of Siena in Reseda (in the San Fernando Valley) next Saturday (the 13th) on the board. A couple of girls from class are ready to go which makes me very happy. :D The Mass counts towards the Foreign Language Mass requirement and I made sure everyone knew that the professor had said it counted. I did a little happy dance in my seat although that little "victory" didn't last too long.

The past two class lectures we've actually been watching videos on Vatican II. Today's video was very political and left winged. Some people were criticizing the late Pope John Paul II for "betraying the spirit of Vatican II" while others thought he was too modern. Some priests criticized those priests, bishops, and Popes who have taken an interest in politics of neglecting to help others grow spiritually. It was kind of a mess which some people would argue was the problem with Vatican II. Anyway, after the video was over the professor began to speak about how Humanae Vitae really "messed" Catholics again, and how the Church had no right to tell the faithful what to do regarding sex, reproduction, etc. That led to a sort of feminist, liberal rant that was completely unnecessary. She brought up Natural Family Planning and how it was an accepted form of birth control in the eyes of the Church and how it resulted from Vatican II. She then went on to say that birth control was okay and shared some personal stories to try to emphasize her point. When I challenged her on what she'd said, she said that she was right and my understanding of Natural Family Planning was wrong. A friend/classmate of mine and I looked at each other, shook our heads, and sighed. We know better but those who don't are taking the professor's word on it. I walked out of the class not sure of what to do except that I knew I'd continue to challenge the professors even moreso than I have.

All of this led to think about the phrase Bl. Pier Giorgio loved. From what I understand from his biographies and from what's up on the Frassati USA website, it means both to the top of the mountain (as he loved to climb mountains) and also "a constant striving to reach the summit of eternal life." I feel like if I don't say something in class, if I don't challenge the dribble the professors "teaching us", that I am not only not speaking up in defense of the Church but I'm also not doing anything to help my fellow classmates became spiritual stronger and more faithful. As a friend/classmate in my Ethics class said yesterday morning, a majority of our classmates don't question what the professors say even if it doesn't sound like it's a genuinely Catholic. They take what the professors say and it's automatically true. Because, as I said in my previous post, this school says it's Catholic they believe it. Of course, it's Catholic in name only but I don't think a majority of people realize that.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm perfect and that I know everything. Far from it. I'm still learning and I'm nowhere as knowledgeable as say Andrew or Joe (two good friends my age who could teach any of my classes properly if they wanted) and I'm definitely nowhere near Patrick's understanding but I'm definitely working at it... and I want to bring as many people as I can along for the ride. If anything, my experience at this school (and especially after lectures like the one we just had) give me the drive to keep going, to graduate, to go to Grad school and eventually become a professor and teach Catholicism properly.

By the by, if you were wondering what happened after the last blog entry: in a nutshell, Patrick was kind enough to get me in contact with Belmont Abbey College (with whom I unintentionally ended up playing phone tag with last Tuesday) and have the option to go there now open. A majority of my friends are pushing me towards going there while a friend and my mom are encouraging me to stay where I am and "fight the good fight" as I've been known to be up for a challenge, no matter how big it is. I've made my decision about what I'm going to do and I'm at peace with it. I also want to thank everyone for your prayers and advice. I was a bit overwhelmed last week and I took everything into consideration. I firmly believe your prayers helped as well as Our Blessed Mother's intercession (I'm on day 53 of the 54 day Rosary novena).

Alright, well, since I have another 3 hours (wow, that went by fast!) before my next class I will try to finish and post past blog entries as well as work on my NaNoWriMo entry for this year. Yes, I am crazy enough to attempt it again this year. :D

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

Okay, so this picture has nothing to do with what's going on with me because I don't have writer's block... I simply haven't had the time to do much writing outside what is needed for school and for Envoy Magazine. Still, I love it so I posted it. :-P

I have back posts I started but didn't finish because of time issues and a major change which has thrown my time management/schedule for a loop. Long story short: less hours sleeping, more busy hours during the day, and I dropped my math course for both time issues as well as, well, because my professor was insensitive and I was advised my faculty here to drop it after an incident between him and I. Anyway, since I don't have much time at the moment (I have Lit in about 40 minutes for so) I just thought I'd answer some questions I've been getting through email, on here (via comments) and twitter.

First: Did I do it? Did I end up wearing a mantilla two weeks ago? The answer is: YES! If you're a Facebook buddy you saw the photographic evidence (which a friend/classmate took inside the chapel). I did indeed wear a mantilla. There were dirty looks and a lot of pointing and whispering (and not discreetly) as I had predicted. I won't go into how... *shudders*... the Mass was and how the Eucharist (which wasn't really one) was basically shoved into my hands despite my efforts not to but I will say that I did wear it and I'm happy I did. I already know that some of my classmates think I have a "holier than thou" attitude because I go pray in the chapel whenever I get the chance and because of other things so I wasn't too concerned with what they thought about my wearing my chapel veil. It's kind of funny because if they knew just how hard I am on myself, they'd know it's the complete opposite. I did get a compliment, from the school's president no less, about how "pretty" it was which I did not expect. Overall, I was glad to do it despite what others said/thought.

Second: Do I have another article for Envoy Magazine coming up? The answer is: Yes! I've been trying to get it Patrick (and will attempt it again after my Lit class) for a couple of weeks now but my email is acting dumb (or it's going straight to his Spam folder because of that one time my account was hacked). Either way, it's written and it will hopefully be in the next issue. Can't say what it's about (yet) but I have a feeling y'all will relate to it... or at least that's what I'm hoping for.

Third: Why the lack of updates? Well, you guys probably know the answer to this by now. I'm not lazy and I don't have writer's block... I just have to rearrange some things so I can make the most out of my free time (like bringing a laptop to school so I can both work on school essays as well as update this blog). Since I have two very important exams this week (both placement exams - one for my Foreign Language requirement, the other for math), I want to dedicate as much time as I can to studying. I'm praying that I can test out of Intermediate Algebra (which is the last math course I took; they still make you take the test here) so I can knock math out of my life (forever) next semester. Fingers crossed.

Fourth: How's school going? It has its ups and downs. I "played" a game with my Catholic friends on Facebook called "Spot the Heresies." Basically, I posted a note with direct quotes from my professors and asked my friends to spot the heretical teachings. Now they see my pain. lol. The heresies are becoming a bit infrequent in all but one of my courses. I still dread coming to school (and still cry some nights at the thought of having to come the next day) but it's getting somewhat easier. I have a friend who's in the same boat as I am - both are regretting but learning from the decision of attending this school but we are both trying to make the most of our experience here. Today we talked about how we would've rather attending Thomas Aquinas College about an hour north of here but how "it is what it is" and now we must survive until graduation. Thank God (I'm literally thanking Him) that I am finding (or, I should say, that God's putting into my path) people with the same beliefs.

Okay, I have just a few minutes before class started and I still have to walk to the building and then up to the top floor so I am going to end this blog post here. I will try to update again on Thursday... at least the post on St. Therese and how suffering beads have changed my life quite dramatically. I wanted to post it on Friday but couldn't. :D

I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Eyebrow Raise. Palm to Face. Shaking Head. Repeat.

Eyebrow Raise. Palm to Face. Shaking Head. Repeat. This has been my reaction to about 45% of what has been taught at my college the past two weeks. I occasionally share the "gems" (usually straight quotes from my professors) that I have to offer up on twitter or (more detailed) on Facebook. As I said, I have no issues with my professors on a personal level but I am just not comfortable with what's being taught. Sound familiar? While I am going to try to no longer write about everything that I disagree with, I will say that I have at least learned how to deal with these things and allow myself to laugh a little more.

First, I will say that I've found a level of comfort as far as "correcting" my professors goes. This past week I raised my hand and put my two cents in more than most of my classmates. While I usually shy away from doing this (and I can still feel my face flushing when I do this), there are some things I just have to question, challenge, and/or have them clarify for me so that those who are Catholic don't get the wrong idea. When I know that it will be a pointless argument/discussion because they won't let go of the specific topic, I just let it go. There have been discussions on everything from predestination and why we have no free will (eyebrow raise, palm to face, shaking head, repeat) to why the Catholic Church is behind the times and why it's essentially "bad" (implying it in thinly veiled passive aggressive comments). By the way, God can be a man or a woman and if you want to call Him a "her" that's perfectly acceptable. *Eyebrow raise, palm to face, shaking head, repeat.* I've learned what to comment on and what I won't be able to get away with. Some of my more gutsier classmates (those are actually agnostic or atheists, yes, they exist at this college) will go into arguments with my professors whenever the class gets too religious for them. Um, hello... you're in a Religious Studies class. Luckily God has put a fellow classmate in my path who is on my side when it comes to theological matters. I'm also finding little things that are making me a little happier.

While I still spend my breaks by myself, attempting to catch up on reading or homework, I now have an ally in one of my classes. Whenever the professor says something so completely wrong (i.e. the Bible is inaccurate and propaganda), we just look at each other and express our grief over the statements. This new friend also has a friend who just entered the seminary so we've been able to bond over that as well. I wish I had her in more classes because then we could have that support system. Either way, God is putting the right people in my path so that my next 14-15 months (yes, I counted) at that school will be a little more bearable. I went to Morning Lauds at the chapel on Thursday and was able to pray with about half a dozen students and three faculty members. Though I felt slightly out of place and awkward afterwards (long story), they still welcomed me into their core little group while we prayed. I plan on doing this whenever I get to campus on time. As for what is making me happier during class: just the fact that I can "correct" my professors from time to time is enough. I also get to do a presentation on St. Monica (the only saint left to do the presentation on since I was absent last week when they assigned saints; I'm not complaining :D) for my classmates which makes me happy. I got into a discussion about saints (and why I was bummed I couldn't get St. Cecilia; someone claimed her fast) with one of my professors so that made me feel a little better about being in her class. Little by little, I am feeling a little less regret about not going elsewhere. Though I don't think I will ever be 100% comfortable at the school if only because of what is being taught, I am able to stay true to my beliefs which makes things easier. By the way, I am totally getting this shirt, along with this one, this one and this one, and wearing them to school. :D The classmates can keep giving me dirty looks but I'm wearing them and that's that. ;)

I don't think this will be my last post regarding my experience at school but it may be the last one for a little while. I don't want to keep boring people with the same kinds of rants (and, trust me, I feel bad for being so repetitive). There are other things I want to write about because things are changing and with those changes new challenges, new mistakes (I'm only human), and new discoveries are being made. God truly is wonderful and I am taking every experience as a learning one... one that will only get me closer to Him which is all I want. :D

Alright, I am going to try to get all my homework done tonight so I can enjoy tomorrow as my last vacation day (at least my last long break until mid-October). :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Giving Thanks to God for Finding Myself

I'm terribly sorry I haven't written anything lately. I have started many blogs, but I haven't finished them for one reason or another. To be quite honest, I just haven't felt like writing much (apart from my novel). In the past couple of weeks, I haven't wanted to do anything. At all. Let me explain why this is.

As many of you know, I did not pass my Intermediate Algebra course by only a few points (I said three, I think). I had signed up for the next math class before I knew I hadn't passed... and they haven't dropped me from the class. I hope this means that either a) someone up there likes me and is helping me stay in the class, b) a computer glitch is allowing me to go onto College Algebra with the D (high D, but D nonetheless) I received, or c) they haven't figured it out and are waiting until the beginning of the semester to drop me. I hope it's either a or b because I want to get math over with. Anyway, while I was studying my brains out (I think my record was something like 14 hours in a single day) I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't meant to finish college. I overworked myself and I did not pass the class I worked the hardest in.

I also did my best in my Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions course but I got a C in it. I actually take that C with pride because I knew that I did not compromise my beliefs in order to get that A. I had a semester long battle with that professor (who I believe is an atheist or, at the very least, agnostic), and apparently I wasn't the only one. A fellow classmate, and friend, wrote a great paper on Christianity and she got a C on it. Whatever. I'd rather fail than deny my beliefs.

I did pass my Interpersonal Communications and Career Planning courses with A's, so the semester wasn't a total bummer. Many people have told me not to sweat the fact that I didn't pass math... especially since this was my first semester back since my father's death. I went back to school one month after he passed away. I knew that staying at home, mostly alone, would only hurt me. Still, failing hit me hard.

After the semester was over and I had nothing to do, I sort of freaked out. I have a tendency of overthinking things which is why, I suspect, my anxiety hasn't left me completely. The holidays were particularly hard on me. Every time I thought about how it was my first Christmas without my father... my first New Year that I didn't hug me and wish him a great New Year... I burst into tears. I'm still tearing up, just thinking of this... writing it all out.

I started to question a lot of things. Do I want to burden myself with the loans I would have to take to pay for school next year? Am I even supposed to finish college? Every time I've tried to go forward, something had kept me back. I thought about how maybe the previous times were because I was always planning on going abroad, and the Lord wanted to keep me in L.A. because my father didn't have enough time left with us. I am still unsure. I love school (I genuinely enjoy attending classes and studying) but in the last couple of weeks I just wanted to quit.

I've watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into her own depression, which emotionally drains me as well. All she does is sleep and work. She doesn't eat much and has lost a lot of weight. (I myself still haven't recovered the 10 pounds I've lost since dad passed away.) I feel completely helpless. It's like I stopped taking care of one parent, just to do it all over again with the only one I have left.

I've thought about how I've given up doing a lot of things I've wanted to do. As I get closer to turning 25 years-old (which will happen at the end of May), I wonder if I'll get to do what I've always wanted while I still have the chance to be somewhat selfish. Is this part of the quarter life crisis everyone is talking about? Friends, and priests, have told me to start living for myself... something I have not done very well.

In the midst of all of this, I clung unto an old friend and I was not quite sure why. I often call him my best friend... because that's what he's been. Through the good and bad, I've always relied on him to be my emotional support. My ONLY emotional support. I have friends... but none at this level. Most of my friends have been become acquaintances due to life's demands. It's very selfish and wrong of me to think and say this... but I felt very sad that at a time when I really needed my friends, I felt utterly alone. I still feel that way sometimes... but it's gotten easier these past couple of weeks.

Anyway, what I didn't realize is that the reason I held onto this friend like he was a life preserver was because he reminded me of the last time I was truly happy... which was at the end of 2006, a few months before my father was diagnosed with cancer the last time. During this time, I was very much in love with said friend. It was truly the most idealistic time of my life. I was returning to the Church (though still slipping) and I was really happy. Months later, my father was diagnosed with cancer and my friend (who ultimately became the inspiration for the male protagonist in the novel I'm writing) and I parted ways, everything went down hill. Those couple of months during the Fall and Winter of 2006 into 2007 were some of my best memories... which is why he came back into my life when I needed a reminder of that.

I believe God gave me a great gift on one of the most beautiful days of the year -- Christmas. On that day I realized two major things that have changed me in a good way. First, I realized what I was doing and thus I was able to let him (and subsequently everything that happened with my dad) go. Deep down I knew that though I love him (in a strictly platonic sense), I don't need him in the way I'd been thinking. Thanks to him I realized that I was content to be single and not have that added responsibility at the moment (especially since I take my relationships seriously AND my being on an emotional rollercoaster following my loss wouldn't have mixed). I also acknowledged that I needed to be more assertive, but that's another story. lol.

The second gift I received from God was acceptance. I accepted that I didn't pass my class, but I know there's a reason for that. I'd remembered that, just like my friend, just because you don't see/talk to your friend in a while, it doesn't mean that the love and respect isn't there anymore. Sometimes you have to be alone, and maybe the reason why I didn't have the emotional support I wanted was because I have to learn how to grieve and rely on myself for once. I also accepted the fact that I have changed, whether I want to or not, and that that's okay. In fact, I can honestly say that I am very grateful for everything I've gone through because it's made me the woman I am today.

With the New Year, I made a resolution to start the new chapter in my life. First, huge internal makeover (hence the lack of posts lately). I've taken time to find myself once again... find the person that was tucked away, for safe keeping, when I was a mess. I feel like I've done a lot of that lately.

Taking the advice of a new parish priest, Fr. Brian, I've allowed myself to start doing things I once loved. Writing, of course. I temporarily gave that up at the end of the year but I'm back with that. I wrote nearly 10,000 words in the past two days. I've embraced the literature geek in me and have started reading books I love again -- mostly Catholic literature and classics like Pride and Prejudice (and the like). I'm started watching movies again, lifting the hold on my Netflix account. As you can see, I've redesigned (with help, of course) the layout on this blog. It may be a tad girly, but this is who I am.

I am the girl that loves Jane Austen and the Victorian era. I am the girl that would be happy in a room filled with flowers. I love getting dressed up. I love the idea of having high tea with friends. I love the color pink. I do still love soccer but I'm letting myself be more girly than I have before.

I've made a resolution not to be so scared of what others may think of me. I owe part of that resolution to someone who's become somewhat of an unlikely role model for me. Though this person is very different from me, she's fearless and she's herself without letting the opinions of others affect her. Though I've been been able to ignore the negative comments, I've still been a people pleaser. I have the "if you don't like my blog background/layout, I'm sorry but this is who I am" mentality. Love me or hate me... I can't change the way I am.

I will probably be more outspoken on things such as being pro-life/anti-abortion and on being a hardcore believer in abstinence before marriage, though I know I will probably alienate some friends. Deep down I know that those who are my true friends, who disagree with my beliefs, will put it aside and still love me for me. I've had two great guy friends both tell me that, though their beliefs differ from mine, they still read my blog and they still respect what I have to say. (Austin and Matthew, thank you!)

So... new layout is due to a New Year, a new me, and a greater appreciation for God and His mercy on me. Thank you, God, for allowing me to find myself once again. :) May St. Cecilia (this blog's patron saint for the year 2010), help guide me down the path God wants me to take.

If you've made it this far, God Bless you for it! lol. I promise my other blogs won't be this long. I just wanted to get everything written. :D

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Quick Personal Update

Again, sorry for the gaps between posts. I had my Philosophy exam on Wednesday... well, I actually missed it because I had HORRIBLE panic attacks through the entire night (Tuesday into Wednesday) and the anxiety didn't subside until Thursday morning. Because of this, I was also forced to cancel my adventure in my beloved England. *sighs* I supposed everything happened for a reason (and I have seen what that reason was) so it's okay.

I've been taking a break from studying over the holidays because I was getting those stress knots on my shoulders and back. Instead, I've been fixing my schedule for the Spring semester. 14 units (total of 5 courses). Since I am in the final stages on my transfer applications, I had to make sure I got all the courses I need to transfer before summer. Different schools in different countries required different courses. I hope all my hard work will pay off in the end. I'm still relying of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's intercession when it comes to my transferring because I will really need it.

Advent is starting tomorrow, so I've also been preparing for that. I have the wreath and candles all ready. I'm going to try to translate some things for my mom who will be celebrating Advent for the first time. Yes, she's also a cradle Catholic but they did things differently in Mexico where she lived for the first couple of years of her life. It'll be VERY exciting to see how she reacts to things. :D Also, she's successfully started novenas. I'm so proud of her. :D

I hope to write an Advent post tomorrow. I don't think I wrote one last year so... it's about time I did. :D After tomorrow, and possibly Monday, don't expect another post from me until I am done studying for my math exam (we have this weekend off!). I am going to dedicate the next 3 weeks to passing my courses, especially math. The posting will become more regular after finals are over (after Dec. 16) and after I am done with my novel (which is going very well btw... 5,000 words in a couple of hours on Thursday).

That's it for now. I'm going to finish reading a novel for fun before I get prepare for tomorrow. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

When Life Hands You Lemons... (Sour Sunday).

The St. Cecilia statue mom bought for me after "Sour Sunday." More on the reason behind the gift coming up...

Sorry about the extended break again. I did not anticipate the amount of work and things that bombarded me over the weekend. As I said in the last post, I was (correction: still am!) struggling with math. I bombed the math test... again... on Sunday. I studied for hours just to bomb it? Oh goodness no. Joe can verify that I do know my stuff (he tutored me for 3 hours on Friday... and he heard "Please shoot me now" at least half a dozen times, lol) I just completely blank out when I take the test... and that is BAD news because, it being an accelerated math course, I cannot afford to "screw up" as one of my classmates so eloquently put it. Here's the kicker to this whole "not passing" issue: NO ONE in the class is getting over a 50/100 on the exams. I'm serious. Everyone I spoke to said they received a 50 or lower. Personally, I received a 40/100 (yes, I'm putting it out there for all to know. I'm not ashamed to admit I fail at something). The problem with this class is the professor. I hate to point fingers but we've all agreed that it's not really our fault because we try the best we can with what we're given. The math problems presented to us are not clear (both Joe and my friend Dave, who has attempted to help me with math, both agreed on that) and the prof. spends 5 minutes on a single problem (per chapter) and then moves onto the next chapter. I had someone, who wasn't in the class, attend the class with me on Sunday and, surprise surprise, she didn't understand it either because nothing is properly explained to us. So what am I going to do? I have devised a plan that will take into effect tonight (after I do all those 101 errands)... I will use music to help me study. Music is ever present in my life. Even when I'm not actively listening to it, I have at least something "playing" in my head. This is why I often say that St. Cecilia (patron saint of music, musicians) chose me as my confirmation saint, I didn't choose her. I'm glad too. :) The inspiration to use music came at the end of what is now known as "Sour Sunday."

After I fantastically bombed my second math exam in a row, I came out feeling horrible... but I wanted to put it aside and focus on the fact that I would be able to finally attend Mass on a Sunday. I would be cutting it close but I was going to go, and that's all I wanted. We got there 10 minutes late (because my transportation situation isn't always the best when it comes to time management). "Fine, no big deal... at least I'm here." I had to stand in the back since we got there late. I said "Okay. I don't mind. I'll offer up the fatigue (since I was carrying a backpack that weighed at least 15 pounds) and whatever I feel." The Mass went by quickly. I enjoyed the homily Fr. Leo gave about how we should not be afraid of death and how we should try to live our lives as best as we could so we could be reunited with the Lord in Heaven. Then came time to receive the Eucharist. Someone announced that they were advising everyone to receive the Eucharist by hand so that there would be minimal contact (Swine Flu paranoia strikes away). Of course, no wine was given due to the same fear. From my understanding, receiving communion by hand was optional... and an option I didn't care for. I've NEVER received the Eucharist in my hand and I wasn't about to start... or so I thought. When it came time for me to receive the Eucharist, I stood there with my hands together, clearly waiting for the Eucharistic minister to give it to me on the tongue. The guy just stood there and said "We're giving it by hand." I was starting to say how that was optional but he got angry and practically threw it at my hands. I was LUCKY I caught it because it would've fallen on the ground. WHO DOES THAT?!

I was so angry, I took the Eucharist, put it in my mouth, did the sign of the cross and walked to the back of the parish... shaking my head, showing my disgust, with tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore... I walked outside and I openly cried those big crocodile tears I am famous for. I waited for Mass to be over and for my mom to come out. She asked me what was wrong. I told her and she shrugged it off. Then we walked by Fr. Leo and he asked what was wrong. I told him... and I added "It doesn't feel right. It's NOT right." He countered with "Well, Jesus gave his disciples bread that they each broke off with their hands. If Jesus was here, do you think he'd give you the Eucharist by hand? Think about it. He probably would." I was stunned... I couldn't say what I was thinking out of the respect I have for the Church and for those with a religious vocation. Before I left he said "You can't teach this old dog new tricks... but you can teach young dogs (me) new ones." He laughed, told me to get used to receiving the Eucharist by hand, and said he'd pray for me (probably to "get over" what I felt). As we were leaving, I vowed to my mom that I wouldn't set foot in that parish again.

It might be a little dramatic for me to say that I am never going back there again... but I can't, in good conscience, do it. The liturgical abuse is horrid (they practically skip over the Penitential Rites for starters) and I'm so disillusioned with this particular parish. I know I've grown up there, and that thanks to Fr. Leo, we were able to bury my father quickly and a lot cheaper than we were initially told, but I just can't sit there and pretend I'm okay with how things are conducted there. I can't. Mom loves the parish but I just can't make myself overlook how Masses are given there. I will look for another parish elsewhere because it's getting ridiculous.

Before we left, to come home, we stopped by the little shop on the side of the parish. I saw this statue of St. Cecilia and pointed it out to mom. I told her that I thought it was pretty and that she was the reason Cecilia is being (legally) added as my middle name. Mom ended up buying it for me, after seeing the horrible day I was having, so that I would have something that would remind me of her whenever I was having a similar type of day. On our way home, I told my mom St. Cecilia's story and she said "Wow. That's a great story. Very inspiring." When I thought about it, the idea of using music to help me cope with things like my math issues. I have used it (music) when I needed it, i.e. when I've had to control my anxiety or when I am stuck on a particular chapter in the novel I'm writing. I've placed the statue on my desk, right next to me, so I can glance over and remind myself that I've used music to help me overcome things before... and it will, hopefully, help me with my math issues. It will also remind me that, just like I cannot stand liturgical abuses... especially when they badly butcher the music, I must do what I feel is true and not give into pressures of what is expected of me (i.e. going to parishes that don't honor the Mass properly). Life handed me lemons on Sunday, but I refuse to give up without a fight.

Alright, that's all for now. I have to go run a million errands (yes, that is a great exaggeration ;)) before I dedicate the evening to math. Ick. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Fighting FOCA, Professors; Lent; Music Monday.

The picture, and the message in the picture, is simple enough, right? As Catholics and Christians (and, really, human beings), it is our duty to protect all lives... from moment of conception until natural death. It's horrible to think that people are so gung-ho about getting the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) passed. The basic gist of it (without really getting into the specifics) is that if the law passes abortions will be completely legal in all 50 States and Catholic hospitals will have to close. President Obama has shown his support for it since before he was elected. In fact, he said that one of the first things he wanted to do once he became president was to make sure it passed. Because it's OBVIOUSLY the best thing he can do for this country and the people he's supposed to have his best interests for. (I hope you can note my sarcasm is the last sentence.) Give me a break!

I think you can guess what my position on this whole deal is, and since I know a lot of other Catholic and Christian bloggers, I won't rant about the FOCA. Instead, I will share some pictures that I took at Our Lady of Peace, one of the parishes in the Los Angeles Archdiocese. It was taken two weekends ago. This was part of the 40 Days for Life campaign many local Catholic churches are doing during Lent. If you ask me, this is so much better than giving up something for Lent. (Click on the pictures to make them bigger. Oh, and if you want to use them, please ask.)

Information table.

From Fighting FOCA

Signs letting the parishioners know what the cause was.

From Fighting FOCA

Information about the FOCA for all to see/read.

From Fighting FOCA

Do you need more than this baby to show you what you can help prevent by fighting FOCA?

From Fighting FOCA

There wasn't really more that I could take pictures of. It was a simple, yet effective, thing they were doing. Both mom and I signed the postcards/letters that were sent to President Obama, Senator Barbara Boxer, and our local councilman. Oh, and have I mentioned that someone at Sen. Boxer's office emailed me asking me to sign some thing to THANK Pres. Obama for everything he's done for us so far and for trying to get the FOCA to pass? I knew Sen. Boxer was pro-choice before I opened the email so I was said, out loud, "Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying." I will NOT sign anything that shows even once iota of support for a man who's fighting to pass something incredibly harmful to human beings. No way in you-know-where.

You know what else I refuse to do? I refuse to back down from talking about my beliefs in a classroom. If you read one of my previous updates, you know about the Speech professor at a Los Angeles Community College that called a student a "fascist b****rd" for using his beliefs to make a point. Remember how I said that it affected me, because I'm currently (for this semester only) within the L.A.C.C. system? Well, little did I know I would ALSO have similar issues with a different professor. I currently have a professor who seems so offended by talking about our own beliefs, that it's hard to enjoy the class. Not only has he told us to "keep dogma out of the class" and has had issues with another classmate of mine over it, he has allowed other students to attack said classmate. I'm seriously waiting for them to attack me (though, I should check my messages before I am certain no one's attacked me yet) because I've already spoken up on behalf of myself and my fellow classmate. He and I will no doubt be joining forces (we've already discussed a bit about this in private) and having each others' backs this semester. I usually don't bring religion into a class discussion that isn't about the subject but when a professor asks us what we believe in true, saying that we believe in God and that He is the truth should NOT be an issue. I'll keep you guys updated on this. I have a feeling this won't be the last time I'll be mentioning it. (side note: I'm SO HAPPY I'll be attending a Catholic uni. this Fall!)

Anyway... ooh, so, I'm wondering what everyone gave up for Lent. I didn't give anything up because I give up different things throughout the year (I'm currently on an "no iTunes or mp3 purchases" thing until the end of March, possibly Lent). I AM going to be donating at least one thing every weekend during Lent, though. Food, clothing, money... that is what I'm going to give. Honestly, the giving up something during Lent thing doesn't have as big of an effect on me because, as I said, I routinely give up things during the year. Giving, though, makes Lent that more special and contemplative for me... especially with the way the economy is looking. Did anyone give up facebook? I know a few people have done that in the past, including myself. Any specific foods and/or drinks? I know Lent is more than just "giving up" something; I'm just curious to see who gave something up and why. We all have our different reasons, and ways of celebrating Lent. :D

Alright, well, I DO have more to right but I'll give you guys at least a few hours to digest this one. I might write another post tomorrow but no guarantees. He Who I Refuse to Name (haha) has been giving me a lot of inspiration for the novel so the creativity is flowing. A couple more of our movie dates and I will be done with the novel before I know it. :D

Oh, and one more thing... I want to start a new tradition on here. Much like Dymphna's Well and her Astaire Fridays (which is where I got this idea!), I will be posting a youtube video of a song that has a special meaning to me OR that I think you would like. The first video is by someone near and dear to me with awesome music! I've written about her in a past blog. Okay, so, yes, I'm a little biased when it comes to her music because, well, she's been one of my best friends since I was 16-17 years-old... but honestly, I LOVE her music and would whether I personally knew her or not. Without further ado, "She's Got It" by Misha Williams. :D



*cough*Go check out her music!*cough* :D Alright, it's past midnight and I need to get some sleep. I didn't anticipate the blog being this long... or it taking this long to write. Yikes! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!
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Quick Update: Back to School; Scary News.

Just a quick update because I started my classes today and I have 2 online courses to get through today. Yikes.

First day of school was a success in terms of anxiety. I said a little prayer to St. Dymphna before I went to the campus and I did well. Actually, this was the most successful first day of school since I was maybe 12 years old. Haha. I'm serious. :D I had no anxiety. I think I'm going to really enjoy my courses (though I'm a little iffy on my Ethics course 'cause we won't study what I was looking forward to learning). My professors seem very cool, so far. The only two things that put a damper on the day were the rain (and snow nearby; photos coming soon) and I got a sort of scary/nerve wrecking phone call between my classes.

I got a phone call from the doctor's office that I need to go in, sooner than expected (which was April), for my thyroid ultrasound results. They told me that if something was wrong, I'd get the call... and I got the call. Unfortunately, they are all booked up so I will be calling every day to see if there's any cancellations. I won't lie, I'm really scared that it's something serious... but I'm grateful that, if it is, it was caught. I don't think it's something too bad (or so I'm telling myself) because my thyroid bloodwork came back normal. I am hoping that maybe the lymph node that was already a little big just got bigger (but not too serious) or that they just want me to get a biopsy done. That or the technician messed up and I need to get it re-done. Either way, I'm trying to stay optimistic. Still, if y'all can say a little prayer for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Maybe to St. Blaise? I should've gotten my throat blessed last week, darn it. lol.

Alright, well I have to go check into my Philosophy of World Religions class, so gtg. Hopefully I'll be able to write tomorrow... or at least soon. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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