I've Resigned Myself to Giving Up on This Lifelong Battle

Ask anyone who has ever known me well enough and they'll tell you that I've been trying to escape from Los Angeles pretty much my entire life.

I was born and bred here... and I'm still stuck here.

Any and every single attempt to leave has been thwarted over the years.

I tried to go to Bath Spa University in Bath, England... and I ended up staying to help take care of my father in his final years of life.

After he passed, I applied to the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, British Columbia (my dream school) but I ended up having to stay because my mom was not in a good place, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Would you be after losing your husband of 26 years?

Last year, I spent the last 6 months of the year trying to leave California but back-to-back health and financial issues would come up every single time I tried to leave. If it wasn't one thing, it was the other... or both.

"It sounds like God wants you to stay," my spiritual director said to me last October.

I didn't like the sound of that. I wanted to leave. I've never really felt "at home" in my hometown, even as a child. Why was God keeping me here? There are so many things that are unhealthy for me here -- so much toxicity. I don't feel comfortable enough sharing what these things are with complete strangers but those close to me know what I'm talking about -- and have all tried to get me out of Los Angeles for those same reasons. Still, no matter what any of us did -- even threats to come from out of state and, basically, physically carry me out -- plans fell apart.

Then November happened. November was when it became abundantly clear that God wanted me to pursue the discernment of consecrated virginity. It meant (as almost all of you know) letting go of plans to get married and move out of state to his hometown. It also meant that I had to think about what I was going to do because consecrated virgins are tied to their home diocese.

That was one of the first obstacles I wrestled with at the beginning of the discernment. "Wait, I have to stay in Los Angeles?1 Can't I just discern somewhere else and stay there?" I seriously considered it but, no, God kept making it clear that He wants me here. As my (now former) SD said, we may not why God wants me to here (and probably won't in this lifetime) but He wants me here for a reason.

I fought my "fate" for so long... until I just decided to give up. I gave up on trying to leave Los Angeles and (much to my friends' vexations) my mother's house.

"Okay, God," I said. "You want me here? I'll stay. I don't know why but Your will be done, not mine."

Was I happy? Not one bit. But if God wanted me here it was for a good reason, right?

Recently, I was chatting with a priest friend about this -- how I always tried to leave but, for whatever reason, God wanted me here. At that point, I had resigned myself to it and stated as much. Then he said something that I'll never forget -- (paraphrasing): God wants us here because He has big plans for Los Angeles... and we're part of it.

I had never thought about it that way. I had only thought about it from my own selfish POV. I wanted to leave. I didn't feel comfortable here. I didn't understand why I had to stay. When my priest friend said this, it all started making sense to me... especially in terms of my vocation.

If, God willing, I am called to become a consecrated virgin for the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, one of my "duties" will be to pray for those in the archdiocese, especially the archbishop and priests. It will mean that I will be giving back to the archdiocese in ways that very few people will be able to. Given the history of how, ahem, liberal and how many scandals have surrounded the archdiocese, perhaps that's why God wants me here.

A few months ago my Oblate Master reminded me of a great gift I can give to the Church -- my sufferings. As someone who is chronically ill, I can offer up the pains and sufferings to the Church -- for the Pope, the clergy, the whole Church. As a consecrated virgin tied to her archdiocese, I'd be able to offer up any future sufferings specifically for those in my hometown. Maybe that's God wants me here... and why He's calling me to this beautiful vocation.

I'm not sure if that's the reason why I'm staying here; part of why I feel called to become a consecrated virgin. All I know is that I've always felt a deep desire to give more of myself to others; to offer up as much of myself as I can to the Church and, ultimately, God. If this is the best way I can do it, I welcome it.

I resign myself to giving up my lifelong battle to leave Los Angeles. I accept the possibility of staying here for the rest of my life if I can make the smallest difference; even if all I do is offer up my ailments and other crosses I bear.

Anyway, this was a "quick" post to share some of my thoughts.

I've been wanting to blog for a while but life has gotten busy lately -- a good kind of busy. I hope to be able to blog more this month but we'll see how it works out with my Lenten plans. I'll be away from my laptop (and screens in general) more often so more frequent posts aren't guaranteed.

Thank you to all of you who've been praying for me -- for my vocation, my health, and the car issues (the latter of which have been resolved!). I will continue to pray for y'all as well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

What I Learned Wednesday #22: Speedy Questions Edition

It's 11:21 p.m. PST. It's still Wednesday in Los Angeles! This still counts! lol. This will be a very quick list since I got caught up in school stuff once again and I still need to do nighttime prayers. I was planning on doing it this way anyway, but now there will be more typos than usual. lol.

This week I'm focusing not on what I learned but what I hope to learn before next Wednesday... and I am making this list public so if I fail, I can say that I did (no lying allowed. ever.) and will learn to do a better job the weeks after that.

1. Is RCIA the same everywhere? Would it be the same in, let's say, London as it is in Los Angeles? I am a revert who was baptized at 3 months, did her first communion at 8 years-old, and was confirmed at 13 years-old. I have never needed to know about RCIA which is my excuse, as sorry as it may be. I know that confirmation in Mexico is done at younger ages (hence why I was confirmed at the "old" age of 13 and not 16, in the States, like I wanted) so I am wondering if RCIA is the same everywhere.

2. What major differences (if any) are there in how things are done in England and the U.S. in regards to how Mass is celebrated, etc? Seeing a pattern emerging? You caught me; this is all novel sequel research but, really, it would be awesome to find out if things are done the same or if I would need to learn how to phrase prayers differently.

3. How many Latin Masses are regularly offered in the Archdioceses of Westminster and Los Angeles? Again, novel research but I'd love to see the differences between both Archdioceses.

So, that is my quick list of questions I hope to have answers to next week. If anyone of you would like to help a sister out, let me know. lol.

And now it's 11:33 p.m. and I still have prayers to get through.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

 

What I Learned Wednesday #9

I promise these things will be more faith focused once Lent begins.

1) I'm sure you've all heard about the letter Archbishop Gomez sent out to the Los Angeles Archdiocese regarding Cardinal Mahony and his role in covering up the decades worth of sexual abuse cases. I won't get into it as it would take me a long time (and some rents)... and it'll be nothing that you haven't heard or said yourself. I just want to say three simple things. First, thank goodness we have Archbishop Gomez. When it was announced that he was to take over the archdiocese upon Cardinal Mahony's retirement, I was excited because I knew he would do great things. Though this is a painful thing to have to do (even my parish priest had a hard time getting through the letter when he read it to us at the end of Mass last weekend), I believe he's handling it well. Second, as per his request, I'll be praying for the victims and all involved. I hope you all will too. Third, of course the media is having a field day. I've learned to tune out the MSM because of how warped and anti-Catholic it can be. I hope that people will have enough common sense to actually look at the documents and not judge the Catholic Church harshly (one person who does evil does not represent us all) but we all know that this will only fuel anti-Catholic sentiments. Pray for the Church as a whole because things will only get worse before they get better.

2) I get email updates when some bloggers upload new posts (it's easier for me to get them in my inbox) so I don't miss the good stuff. One of my favorite posts this week was Dr. Taylor Marshall's post on who the first photographed saint was. I always thought it was St. Therese (whose photograph was the first saint photo I myself ever saw) but it seems to be St. Bernadette. I'm a very visual person and I like to focus on an image (such as a crucifix, a painting of a mystery while praying the Rosary, etc) when I read or pray so I really enjoyed the post. I don't know much about a couple of the saints mentioned in the post so it'll be good to learn about them in the next couple of weeks. I'm often (half jokingly) called an encyclopedia for patron saints but I sometimes don't know the saint's actual story so that's a new goal for me. Also, new trivia for my Catholic files. Really, I have a box and files organized with Catholic things. Catholic nerd, party of one right here. lol.

3) And speaking about Catholic geek moments, I realized that I am behind on my reading... well, Catholic book reading. I've been reading Jane Austen novels or books inspired by Jane Austen because I wanted a light break from work (thank goodness freelance writing work hasn't dried up again). During Lent I think I will restrict myself to reading only Catholic books. I have a ton in my "to read" list... just sitting on my bookshelf. Some of those books have been there for years and I still haven't gotten to them. After I finish reading these two last Jane Austen books (since Lent begins next week), I'll start on them. I'll be done with one of them sooner than the other because it's so incredibly condescending and awful. And before you say anything, I finish what I start so I'm finishing this darn book. I'll be in Catholic nerd heaven during Lent (one week to go!) so these #WILW posts will be better then. ;)

Anyway, this was short and pretty straight forward. I almost forgot to write today but I saw Alex wrote his so I was reminded. Thanks, Alex! lol.

I should make myself some dinner (haven't had anything to eat since before I went on my walk earlier today) so... see ya. lol. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

More Traditional Than Expected?

Every time I go to Mass at the parish where I've gone since I was in my mama's womb, I become just a little more disillusioned with them. The fact that they pretty much skip over the Penitential Rites really bugs me. The clapping, and (sometimes) dancing along, I see during the Alleluia/Gospel Acclamation always makes me cringe. I've had priests (one in particular) look at me when they see I'm not partaking in the clapping most of the parishioners are more than happy to do. I refuse to clap along, sorry. I feel like it's disrespectful to the sacredness of the Mass. More things I don't like: not wearing a skirt or dress to Mass... not wearing a mantilla/chapel veil... not receiving communion... not attending Mass, period. I have been known to cry when I am unable to attend Mass. The more I learn and read about the Church pre-Vatican II, the more I feel like the "outdated rituals" would suit me the best. That doesn't mean that I am against the Second Vatican Council... I just prefer the way things used to be way before my time. Am I more traditional than anyone, including myself, expected?

I have never been to a Latin Mass before but, after learning more about it and watching videos on youtube, I feel like it is the perfect Mass for me. Sadly, they're not really offered within the Los Angeles Archdiocese. Not even Pope Benedict XVI's Motu Proprio Summorum Pontificum has helped that issue here. The nearest parish where they offer Latin Masses is almost an hour away from where I live (for those who aren't familiar with L.A., the county is large and sprawled out). They don't even offer it at the San Fernando Mission anymore! I could go into the whole issue many of us have with Cardinal Mahony, but I won't. All I will say is that I think it's sad that the archdiocese seems to have something against the TLM. If you want to hear more about what's wrong with this archdiocese, go to Joe's blog, Verbum Veritatis in Mahonyland. He expresses himself better than I do on this subject. (P.S. He can attest that I actually wear a mantilla to Mass; he's seen it for himself.)

I have embraced the fact that I have become a traditional Catholic (and I fall in the first group of traditional Catholics according to Fish Eaters). When I started this blog, on Christmas night 2007, I had NO CLUE that my journey returning to the Church would lead me here. For those very few that have read this blog since the beginning, I ask you: did y'all see it coming? I am actually very proud that! While I no longer wear the mantilla my father brought me from Mexico earlier this year (I have decided to not use it until my wedding day), I still wear one. I am proud to wear my mantilla to Mass... even if I'm the only woman under 50 that wears one. I REFUSE to receive communion by the hand. I'm usually one of the very few people in my parish who receives the Eucharist directly in the mouth. I wouldn't mind seeing altar rails brought back to the parish, though I won't hold my breath on that one. I'm not even going into the music played during Mass because I will never stop writing (St. Cecilia would be proud. :D)

I've read recent articles (which I cannot find at the moment, I need to organize my bookmarks) that say that statistics and surveys have shown that my generation (those in their late 20s and younger) seem to be more traditional than previous generations. Yes! Most, if not all, my Catholic friends are traditional, so I believe the articles. So will I be one of several that, with the help of Pope Benedict XVI, get their wish fulfilled and see parishes allow more Latin Masses to be said? Will we slowly see beautiful mantillas return? Only time will tell... but I am certainly hoping it happens.

Though I want to write more, I will stop for now and pick it up sometime in the future. Maybe next time I'll have the links ready. lol. ;) I am off to prepare myself for tomorrow's Philosophy course. Another round of "Oh no you di'nt" discussions with my professor? We'll see. :D I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

I'm About to Burst with Excitement!!!

I don't even know where I begin... I am SO EXCITED! I guess I should start off with the most exciting news I've gotten today.

A couple of minutes ago, I got a call from the Sister who's in charge of the Department of Religious Education at my parish. Fr. Stan had passed along my information (thank you, Fr. Stan!) to her about me possibly being able to help out. Apparently, they are short of English (and especially bilingual) speaking Catechism teachers. There far more Spanish speaking teachers, and since I speak both languages fluently, I'd be able to help out with either. So she asked if I'd be interested and I said I would. So, she told me what I had to do and what time the meetings would be. I have to take a couple of introductory classes as well as get fingerprinted. The Los Angeles Archdiocese requires it for all those who will be interacting with minors. I don't mind any of it... not even the trip out to the parish where I'll have to get my fingerprints done. I'm just so excited! I already picked what dates I'd be able to "work." It won't be work for me. I was also told that once I get enough experience, I will be able to have my own class. I would love to have a class full of little kids. I remember what a wonderful experience I had when I was a little 7-8 year old catechism student (and it was at the same parish). This is exactly what my dream is -- to teach others about the Catholicism in hopes of strengthening their faith. :D

It was really funny that I got the call right as I had logged onto Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati's official U.S. website. Like right that minute. I said to my mom "I wonder if this is a sign that I am meant to do this as my vocation" because I still keep going back and forth between being a wedding planner, a teacher, or something else. :D

I think I am going to go dance around like a goof for a little while (my way of celebrating). :D Heehee. I hope everyone is doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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