Come at Me, (Negativity) Bro: Anger, Forgiveness, and Silver Linings

As you might've noticed, I did not post every single day last week as planned. Guest posts fell through and I found myself having a horrible weekend (Friday through yesterday) so I didn't have anything good to post. However, I do feel like sharing what happened because it's a part of who I am and has contributed to my own growth as both a person and a Catholic.

I won't go into detail about what happened on Friday through Saturday. Let's just say that my faith and my beliefs were seriously challenged in a way that I never thought. I was placed in a situation in which I had to ask St. Benedict's intercession (as well as St. Michael Archangel's over the weekend) and only fueled the fire to get officially enrolled in the brown scapular (more on this in a bit.) It wasn't until I talked to my confessor that I felt better. I hope and pray that I am never put into that situation again (and, for the record, I did not seek it). The good thing that I got out of it is another reaffirmation that I love God above everything and that I would never do anything intentional to hurt Him. This brings me to what happened yesterday in which I had another one of these affirmations.

I will start off by saying that I've been using my iPod touch for confessions (I have the iConfess app) as well as for Mass (I have the iMissal as the first app on the screen). I've been using both for years now. Only once had I had an usher tell me to put it away only to let me keep using it after he saw that I had the iMissal app open and that I was using it to follow along during Mass. After that one time, he would even tell others about how I used the app, impressed that I would have it. Yesterday was a whole different story.

Like I said, I've been using these apps for years. I don't have it on the entire Mass; mostly just for readings (for better concentration) and for the Nicene Creed so that I don't mess it up. As soon as the Creed is recited, it goes back in my bag. It doesn't disturb anyone. I don't make noise. It stays as low as I can have it to make sure it doesn't distract anyone. The usher yesterday, who I've seen in Mass more than once, decided that yesterday it was going to be good to publicly tell me to put it away (as I was putting away)... right as soon as the Creed was recited... in front of everyone... and everyone in the general area heard it quite well. I tried to explain, and show him, that I was using it for the Nicene Creed but he kept being super rude about it and, well, to not slip and badmouth him let's just say that my response was to cry at the end of the exchange. So I cried for the next 20 minutes of the Mass... and the next half an hour after that. I have never felt so insulted and humiliated in church before.

My initial response was to leave because I was so angry that he would do that in front of everyone. My response when angry is usually silence and/or tears... and removing myself from the place or person who caused the response. I was angry at the usher for how he handled the situation and angry that I was angry at him right before communion. Since I knew that I did not want to receive Christ while angry, I did my best to talk myself out of the negative feelings. I am sure the Holy Spirit helped me in this situation because, even though I was still crying when I received communion, I was not angry doing it. What I did instead was not think about it and have an inner dialogue with God. I thought (since I know He knows my heart and mind) "I'm here for you, God. Nothing anyone will do or say will keep me away from You. I did not come to please others but you. If this is just another stumbling block the Evil one has for keeping me away, it's not going to work. I'm here for YOU because I love YOU." In that instant, I got the sudden inspiration to go up to the usher after Mass to tell him that I forgave him... and I did.

After Mass (and after the priest nearly denied me communion -- I'll get to this in a second), I walked up to the usher and said "I forgive you." He walked to the side and we talked. The anger and bad look he had given me seemed to have melted from his face. He explained that he couldn't let me use the app, even though he figured out (after I tried explaining what I was doing), because then he would have to let others do it too. I couldn't understand (and still don't) the logic behind that but I saw where he was coming from. I told him that I felt like he humiliated me when all I was doing was trying to stay focused and concentrated during Mass. I didn't mention that I also do it when I am terribly anxious to stay focused because I don't want to use anxiety as a crutch or an excuse. Either way, I once again reiterated that I forgave him and he apologized for his actions. That was the end of that.

And, now, you're probably asking: "so why did the priest nearly deny you communion?" Well, I think it was because I didn't stick my tongue out enough. Like I said, I was still crying at that point but I still tried to make myself strong and receive communion. The priest was going to place the host on my tongue but took one look at me, pulled it back, and said "stick out your tongue" in a manner that hurt. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong even though I've received the Eucharist in that way before. Tongue was out but apparently not good enough for him. I was already hurt and then having the priest give me that look and say "stick out your tongue" in a tone that was, well, hurtful to me (I don't know how else to describe it).

So, to sum up my day: 1) the alarm didn't go off (which was weird in itself) and we rushed to Mass, 2) the usher did what he did, and 3) then I felt like a priest nearly denied me communion. All in the span of 2 hours. That, after the Friday and Saturday I had, made me feel like they were huge stumbling blocks placed before me to make me lose it, to make it seem like God did not want to close to me (and I did have a split second thought that maybe I had done something wrong and that I did not deserve to be close to Him), and basically keep me away from Him. But, like I said in my inner dialogue to God, nothing will keep me away from Him. I won't give up attending Mass or going to church. I would ten thousand times get my feelings hurt by others during Mass as long as I know that God loves me and that I'm doing things right. That is the silver lining I found in all of these situations. My faith is stronger, my love for Him has grown exponentially (I never thought it was possible to have my heart grow that much and filled with more love than I thought I was capable of).

Of course, I will try to buy a missalette to use to avoid the usher situation again (I can see how it could be distracting to others though I was doing nothing wrong). I will keep attending Mass. So, negativity... you can come at me (bro) but I won't give up on my faith or God for anything or anyone. I know I already said it but I also wanted to repeat it. :D

So, that's it. That was my interesting (and horrible) weekend. It stunk but, in the crud I dealt with, I still found some beauty which is all I could ask for. :D

I may continue the positivity posts for at least this next week since I didn't get to finish it last week. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I am going to go figure out what to do with my Thesis (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, as of today, it is officially released and I can share it.) :D

I hope you all had a better weekend than I did and that you have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I'm a Proud Daughter, Part Two.

If you would have told me, four years ago (it's in one of the earlier blog posts that I couldn't find quickly), that my dream of having both of my parents return to the Church within a couple of years would come true, I would've said "yeah, right!" If you've been a reader of this since the beginning then you know how hard it was for me to even get my parents to attend Mass with me. My dad used to get very angry about having to drive me to confession and/or Mass. My mother would look for any excuse to not go. Though my mom was the one who prayed the most often, she was (surprisingly) the hardest to get to come back. Thankfully, she's back and I couldn't be any prouder of her.

My mom didn't fully come back to the Church until shortly before my father passed away. My dad returned to the Church the day before my 24th birthday (which remains the BEST birthday present I've ever gotten) and she followed a few weeks later. In fact, I think it was the fact that my father was dying that made her want to return. Though she had been fighting it for a long time, it's now gotten to the point where I don't have to try to persuade her to go to confession or Mass. It took two and a half years but she's finally comfortable (well, as comfortable as one can be) going to confession. We have to go weekly because there are bad habits that are hard to get rid of but I don't mind. It's a slow process but we're getting there. Yesterday she asked me to translate (from English to Spanish) the questions on the iConfession app I use to examine my conscience so that she could use it this week... and I nearly burst with joy.

Lately mom's been on a Bible reading kick.. and I'm fully supportive of it. Let's face it, we Catholics don't always read the Bible and that's where our Protestant brothers and sisters think they "pwned" us. I didn't grow up reading the Bible and I didn't really do it until I took my Intro to Monotheistic Religions course a couple of years ago. It's sad but it's not uncommon amongst us young Catholics. I truly don't think we can fully understand our Faith until we not only read what is in the Bible but also really study it. How can we back up what we believe if we're just going on what we've heard? A lot of things get skewed to fit a person's lifestyle so what we hear may not be what's really in the Bible. If you already haven't, I strongly encourage you all to read it. I'm going to make an effort to study the Bible with mom at least twice a week because I think we'll both benefit from it. I'm going to be using 150 Bible Verses Every Catholic Should Know by Patrick Madrid (which I was given as a gift a couple of years ago) to start her off. Since I couldn't find a good Spanish equivalent to it, I'll be translating it for her as well. It'll be good for both of us.

I'm just... really overjoyed at how things have turned out. Between attending Mass, going to confession, reading the Bible, AND asking me to show her how to pray the Rosary, I feel like I burst with happiness. I am grateful that the Holy Spirit has used me to bring one more person closer to Him. Though I may be physically speaking to mom, I know the Holy Spirit has been behind all of it. Of course, this is not the end of my self-given mission to bring both of my parents back to the Church. Lord knows whether my dad is still in purgatory or already in Heaven but I know He's taken care of him. As for my mom, it's only just the beginning. I don't think it'll ever be finished because we all grow every single day. I'm just looking forward to seeing how things pan out... and I hope that I can pass all of this along to my future children whenever God blesses me with them. :)

Anyway, just wanted to share a bit of what's been going on with this "mission." Now I need to try to do something productive for the day so I don't have to add another day of being lazy to my own confessions list. Yes, sloth (laziness and being unproductive) is a sin and it's easy to fall into it as a new graduate.

I hope y'all are still have a great week. If not, hit me up and I'll say a prayer for you. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Personal Reflection: Confession

I absolutely LOVE going to confession, so much so that I go almost every weekend or at least every other week... or whenever I've committed a venial sin. The majority of the time it's just venial sins that have the priests asking me why I go confess them so often. For me, personally, I just feel better having no sins (no matter how "small" they are) on my conscience. I am very much like St. Teresa of Avila that way (though I am still working on reaching her level of sanctity... and have a long road ahead of me.) It's not so much that I just don't want to feel guilty for what I've done; I just want to show that I'm truly sorry for what I've done. I can get very emotional in the confessional because I am truly repentant about what I've done. I do not feel right having offended God in any way. I don't like being away from God in any way. Knowing that I am in danger of not spending eternity with God in heaven because I failed to confess something or because I did something reprehensible makes me incredibly unhappy.

I've gotten into the habit of taking an hour to examine my conscience before going to confession. I go to the quietest room I can find in the house, pray that St. Gerard Majella helps open my heart to God so that I may properly examine my conscience (he's the patron saint for a good confession) and use the iConfess app on my iPod touch. If I know I will forget something (and I usually do), I write it down so that I will be able to confess it. I feel so calm and at peace by the end that go in both respectful of the sacrament that I am about to receive as well as grateful for God's mercy. I know that I am only human and that I commit errors more than I would like but knowing that I can clear my conscience by owning up to my mistakes in front of God makes me happy.

My mother always says she will not confess whenever I go to confession but she always comes with me and always ends up going to confession as well. lol. It's something I never got to experience with my father but that I am overjoyed to share with my mother. I am still trying to teach her (sounds bad, I know) how to have a proper confession but it's an easier hill to conquer than the mountain of obstacles I had with my father.

I've been blessed enough to help (in a sense) convince others to go to confession for the first time in many years. I don't know what it is about me but I seem to attract older people who hadn't gone to confession in decades. I don't mind it one bit either. :) A lot of the time I am just in line when I get an older lady or gentleman asking me about confession. Somehow it opens the flood gate and they end up telling me their life story. About a few months before my father returned to the Church, I had an older lady who sort of pulled me aside and told me that she hadn't gone to confession in over 40 years (same as my father). She told me her fears and I told her the same thing I basically tell everyone whom I speak to: just open their hearts to God and let him in. The priests are not judgmental and they are there to help absolve us from our sins as well help us get back on the right path. Of course what I say varies from person to person but I try to help them any way I can. If I can, in any small way, help them get closer to God than nothing will make me happier as I am here to serve Him. I may not speak about confession in a grander or more "theologically sound" way but, if you haven't noticed, I tend to write straight from my heart... if it isn't with simpler words. :)

Alright, that is it for now. I want to get a little work on my novel before I head to confession today. I have two more posts planned that may take me a couple of days to get up. I am waiting for something in the mail before I can break the news (with pictures) and the other, well, I am working on and I am waiting to see results before I say anything. :) As I am now in my last month of vacation before the new semester at my new college begins, I will try to update more often. :)

That's it for now. I hope y'all have a lovely weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!