Come at Me, (Negativity) Bro: Anger, Forgiveness, and Silver Linings

As you might've noticed, I did not post every single day last week as planned. Guest posts fell through and I found myself having a horrible weekend (Friday through yesterday) so I didn't have anything good to post. However, I do feel like sharing what happened because it's a part of who I am and has contributed to my own growth as both a person and a Catholic.

I won't go into detail about what happened on Friday through Saturday. Let's just say that my faith and my beliefs were seriously challenged in a way that I never thought. I was placed in a situation in which I had to ask St. Benedict's intercession (as well as St. Michael Archangel's over the weekend) and only fueled the fire to get officially enrolled in the brown scapular (more on this in a bit.) It wasn't until I talked to my confessor that I felt better. I hope and pray that I am never put into that situation again (and, for the record, I did not seek it). The good thing that I got out of it is another reaffirmation that I love God above everything and that I would never do anything intentional to hurt Him. This brings me to what happened yesterday in which I had another one of these affirmations.

I will start off by saying that I've been using my iPod touch for confessions (I have the iConfess app) as well as for Mass (I have the iMissal as the first app on the screen). I've been using both for years now. Only once had I had an usher tell me to put it away only to let me keep using it after he saw that I had the iMissal app open and that I was using it to follow along during Mass. After that one time, he would even tell others about how I used the app, impressed that I would have it. Yesterday was a whole different story.

Like I said, I've been using these apps for years. I don't have it on the entire Mass; mostly just for readings (for better concentration) and for the Nicene Creed so that I don't mess it up. As soon as the Creed is recited, it goes back in my bag. It doesn't disturb anyone. I don't make noise. It stays as low as I can have it to make sure it doesn't distract anyone. The usher yesterday, who I've seen in Mass more than once, decided that yesterday it was going to be good to publicly tell me to put it away (as I was putting away)... right as soon as the Creed was recited... in front of everyone... and everyone in the general area heard it quite well. I tried to explain, and show him, that I was using it for the Nicene Creed but he kept being super rude about it and, well, to not slip and badmouth him let's just say that my response was to cry at the end of the exchange. So I cried for the next 20 minutes of the Mass... and the next half an hour after that. I have never felt so insulted and humiliated in church before.

My initial response was to leave because I was so angry that he would do that in front of everyone. My response when angry is usually silence and/or tears... and removing myself from the place or person who caused the response. I was angry at the usher for how he handled the situation and angry that I was angry at him right before communion. Since I knew that I did not want to receive Christ while angry, I did my best to talk myself out of the negative feelings. I am sure the Holy Spirit helped me in this situation because, even though I was still crying when I received communion, I was not angry doing it. What I did instead was not think about it and have an inner dialogue with God. I thought (since I know He knows my heart and mind) "I'm here for you, God. Nothing anyone will do or say will keep me away from You. I did not come to please others but you. If this is just another stumbling block the Evil one has for keeping me away, it's not going to work. I'm here for YOU because I love YOU." In that instant, I got the sudden inspiration to go up to the usher after Mass to tell him that I forgave him... and I did.

After Mass (and after the priest nearly denied me communion -- I'll get to this in a second), I walked up to the usher and said "I forgive you." He walked to the side and we talked. The anger and bad look he had given me seemed to have melted from his face. He explained that he couldn't let me use the app, even though he figured out (after I tried explaining what I was doing), because then he would have to let others do it too. I couldn't understand (and still don't) the logic behind that but I saw where he was coming from. I told him that I felt like he humiliated me when all I was doing was trying to stay focused and concentrated during Mass. I didn't mention that I also do it when I am terribly anxious to stay focused because I don't want to use anxiety as a crutch or an excuse. Either way, I once again reiterated that I forgave him and he apologized for his actions. That was the end of that.

And, now, you're probably asking: "so why did the priest nearly deny you communion?" Well, I think it was because I didn't stick my tongue out enough. Like I said, I was still crying at that point but I still tried to make myself strong and receive communion. The priest was going to place the host on my tongue but took one look at me, pulled it back, and said "stick out your tongue" in a manner that hurt. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong even though I've received the Eucharist in that way before. Tongue was out but apparently not good enough for him. I was already hurt and then having the priest give me that look and say "stick out your tongue" in a tone that was, well, hurtful to me (I don't know how else to describe it).

So, to sum up my day: 1) the alarm didn't go off (which was weird in itself) and we rushed to Mass, 2) the usher did what he did, and 3) then I felt like a priest nearly denied me communion. All in the span of 2 hours. That, after the Friday and Saturday I had, made me feel like they were huge stumbling blocks placed before me to make me lose it, to make it seem like God did not want to close to me (and I did have a split second thought that maybe I had done something wrong and that I did not deserve to be close to Him), and basically keep me away from Him. But, like I said in my inner dialogue to God, nothing will keep me away from Him. I won't give up attending Mass or going to church. I would ten thousand times get my feelings hurt by others during Mass as long as I know that God loves me and that I'm doing things right. That is the silver lining I found in all of these situations. My faith is stronger, my love for Him has grown exponentially (I never thought it was possible to have my heart grow that much and filled with more love than I thought I was capable of).

Of course, I will try to buy a missalette to use to avoid the usher situation again (I can see how it could be distracting to others though I was doing nothing wrong). I will keep attending Mass. So, negativity... you can come at me (bro) but I won't give up on my faith or God for anything or anyone. I know I already said it but I also wanted to repeat it. :D

So, that's it. That was my interesting (and horrible) weekend. It stunk but, in the crud I dealt with, I still found some beauty which is all I could ask for. :D

I may continue the positivity posts for at least this next week since I didn't get to finish it last week. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I am going to go figure out what to do with my Thesis (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, as of today, it is officially released and I can share it.) :D

I hope you all had a better weekend than I did and that you have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Rumours and Threats

Yes, I spell "rumor" as rumour. I often prefer British English spellings. ;)

I didn't post anything yesterday because of how well Tuesday's post was doing. Also, I am buying myself time for a guest post. :) Anyway, I'm back with the posts... and it's one that I am sure will hit close to home for a good number of readers.

As the post title suggests, we're going to talk about rumours and threats. When I was a freshman in high school (into my first semester of sophomore year), I attended a public high school. I didn't fit in with any of my peers though I tried my best to socialize. After the first semester of sophomore year, my social anxiety had been so horrid that I ended up being switched to home schooling (through the school) for the following semester.

Side note before continuing: A quick "in a nutshell" description for those who haven't read my blog long enough: I had a History teacher who used to love to humiliate me in class and coupled with a young man who tried to force himself on me in an empty office on campus (and being told to not bother reporting it as no one would believe) plus unnecessary drama within the clique I had lunch with (mostly classmates who were in the Math and Science magnet program I was in), well, it all ended up with my development of anxiety (which I am still working through, many years later).

Anyway, after we saw that I would not be able to continue attending that school, I left but kept in touch with some of my classmates. It was through some of them that I found out that there were rumours flying as to why I had left. They ranged from "oh, she's pregnant and had to be pulled out" to others that I won't repeat (nor, frankly, do I want to remember). When I got on the medication Paxil, I went from a size 5-6, and a healthy 125 pounds, down to a size 00 (yes, that is a double zero) and 98 pounds. It was the medication and how bad the anxiety was that had given me such a drastic change but the rumours once again went flying that the real reason why I had left was because I had become anorexic.

Not only were there rumours about me but I also began receiving death threats. A former classmate of mine (whom I knew was sending these messages) had gotten a different screenname/email address and started sending me messages which were disturbing. They ranged from telling me to kill myself, that I was fat, that I was stupid, etc to outright telling me that if I ever went back to school, he would kill me. I reported him to the school and, guess what, they said they couldn't do jack about it and to deal with it on my own. Seriously. Who tells a 15 year-old girl to deal with a guy telling her to go kill herself or that he would do it, on her own?

Both of these things have stayed with me (which I know I have to work on in therapy to get some of the anxiety issues out of the way) and it's not a picnic to think about. The reason I bring these two issues up is because I see a lot of it going on lately... even within Catholic circles. And, okay, maybe not the "go kill yourself" extreme but definitely threats and rumours that help no one. What benefits does anyone get from it? None. Not only are you hurting someone with your words and actions but you're also hurting your own soul. Think about it.

All of this has given me an idea... and a challenge for all of us. Instead of going at it with someone and having the argument escalate to an unhealthy level, why not pray for the person instead? Not only that, pray for your own patience. Someone starts slinging mud and you find that you can't have a productive conversation with them to settle your differences, say "God bless you" and walk away. I know it's easier said than done (even I have issues with this sometimes) but I can be done. If someone starts a rumour about you, clarify it and then let it be... without slinging mud at the people spreading it. If you're mad at someone over something, but don't say anything directly to them, pray. Also, if you hear a rumour about someone which you know isn't true, don't be afraid to clarify it... without getting into an argument about it. 

It's so easy to criticize, badmouth, and simply be uncharitable towards others yet it's so much more rewarding to leave it all in God's hands and walk away. There is already so much hate in this world... why contribute to it? And, I will admit, I've been guilty of doing this too (seriously, I've ranted about my neighbors when in a foul mood) but I'm going to try to let things go. Who knows, this may help with the stress and anxiety that I and some of you feel in general.

Anyway, just wanted to put this out there. I'm really sad about the infighting there is. We should help evangelize and get the Good Word out there, not tear each other down. Speak the truth, love God and your neighbor, and trust that He will be Just where justice is needed.

I'm gonna go spend some time with my books (calling it research for my novel ;D) now that I'm written and have had my one simple pleasure of the day (playing my guitar; I posted a picture of it on my twitter if you want to see it. :D)

I hope you are all doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

One Simple Pleasure Per Day

Like Rapunzel, I like to rock out on the guitar when I'm home alone.

I was watching The Wish List on the Hallmark Channel (I am a sucker for their movies) and one of my favorite parts is where the character Fred describes his one simple pleasure rule. Basically, he makes sure he has one simple pleasure (for example, a greasy cheeseburger) that is quick and easy to get per day. Though it was a quick scene it got me thinking that maybe I should do the same.

Let's take a moment to think about whether or not we have something similar. I don't know about you guys but I don't always do it. I'll be the first to admit that I like routine but that I also like to deviate from it once in a while to keep myself from getting bored. Though I am still on the job hunt (btw, if y'all know of any jobs I can do at home, let me know), I still make sure that I have something to do every day. Cleaning, washing, and cooking are the main ones. Driving mom to and from work is another big one. Fridays are my usual grocery shopping days. I'm online. I read. I drink tea. All of these things make me happy but I wouldn't consider them my one simple pleasure.

I've decided to make an effort to have my own daily simple pleasure that does no involve being online (aka tumblin' on tumblr), reading, or drinking tea. AND I'm going to make sure that it differs every day. With our busy (well, okay, I'm not that busy; writing/editing my novel is as close to it as I get) schedules, with all the stress, and crumbs we deal with every day, we should be able to enjoy something that makes us forget about it all... even if it's only for a couple of minutes. I challenge y'all to do the same. One thing. One quick and easy thing (that is not illegal or immoral... and, yes, I felt the need to write this.) Be silly. Be happy.

AND while you're at it, do one daily simple pleasure that will please God. Pray for someone who hasn't asked you to pray for them. Do an act of charity anonymously. Buy a homeless person lunch. Help older ladies and gentlemen when you see them at grocery stores by themselves. Remember that God has given us so many wonderful things that we don't always pay attention to because we're always rushing; why not do something to thank Him for everything?

Anyway, this is my positive challenge for y'all. :D I hope some of you take me up on it.. or even pass on the suggestion to someone who's been having a hard time lately. :D

I hope you are all doing well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Positivity Week; Music Monday: Britt Nicole's "Gold"

Welcome to this week's themed blog posts. Yes, there will be a theme throughout the week and, yes, I do plan on writing something (even if it's a paragraph or two) every day this week. I am kicking off the post-a-thon with Britt Nicole's "Gold" because it goes perfectly with this week's theme... and I am always looking for an excuse to post music on this blog. ;)

"So what is the theme?" you may be asking yourself. Well, a lyric from the song I've chosen describes it best: "whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold."

On Twitter and Facebook I've seen so many pointless arguments in which we (I am including myself in it even though I don't partake in them) sling mud back and forth. I've also seen really depressing posts and tweets in which people who have been hurt and trampled on begin to believe the horrible lies others have said about them. For example: "you're worthless," "you're ugly," "you're fat," "you're stupid," etc results in "I guess they were right." No, they weren't.

In an effort to combat all the negativity, I've decided to write a week full of positive posts. It hurts me to see so many friends and acquaintances suffering and this is the only thing I feel I can do (besides praying for them and talking to them individually). And I'm not doing it lightly. I'm going to be writing about issues which I am sure some of you would've never thought I would dare write about... but I am. I won't single anyone out. I will put my own personal touch to it, as well as bring in some guest bloggers for some of them, so that no one feels like I'm talking about them specifically. Just read and I hope that it helps you if the topic particularly touches you. :D

Anyway, just a heads up. :) I'm still trying to limit my time alone so I'm going to go clean my room now that I have stocked up on cleaning supplies. Yes, I get my kicks cleaning. Judge me if you want. ;)

I hope you all have a great week this week. :) If you have any prayer requests, let me know. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D