Unable to Find the Right Words

This past week (and especially the last couple of days) have been a little strange for me. I've found myself speechless more often than not for a multitude of reasons. The two biggest reasons have something in common -- the potential loss of a parent.

A few days ago, the mother of one of my oldest friends had a hemorrhagic stroke and today the doctors said she was brain dead. Right now the family is waiting for guidance (and/or a miracle) to make the decision on whether or not to "pull the plug." At the same time, the father of another good friend is not doing too well (he has a brain tumor that can't be treated with chemotherapy) and he may have days to live. I've found myself not being able to come up with anything to say other than they're in my prayers (which they are) and that I'm there for them (which I am). I've been in their shoes before but I find myself unable to say the right words.

Are there any right words to say in these types of situations? I had some incredible friends who knew the right things to say 5 years ago while my father was living his last weeks. Other friends gave me my space and I suspect some of them did it because they (like me, right now) didn't know what to say. I feel like everyone says the same thing (or are more eloquent) so all I can say is what I've already mentioned ("you're in my prayers", "call/text me if you need me.")

I know myself well enough to know that if I speak exactly what I feel, I'm going to end up sobbing or making them (unintentionally) cry. I feel things very deeply and I'm sensitive to seeing others in any type of pain. If you don't believe me, read the article I wrote for Envoy Magazine about my experience with my father's death; I've never had so many grown men tell me that my words made them tear up. I'm actually sitting here, trying not to tear up as I type this out. Just knowing that my friends are going through one of the most difficult things (losing a parent) is hard.

I don't live close enough to my friends to be able to physically be there for them. If I could, I would be there, at the hospitals or helping in any way that I could. They're in my heart and on my mind all day. They're in my prayers and in the prayers of my friends whom they don't know. I still hope and pray for miracles but I don't know what else to do. Why don't I feel like that's enough? Before my father's death, I didn't have much experience in this field... and I still haven't had much since. I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm just "typing out loud" at this point.

Can y'all please pray for both of them and their families? I may be unable to find the right words to say but I can, at least, help spread the news so that we can all storm heaven with prayers.

That's it for now. Sorry this post is kind of a bummer but this is what's been on my mind lately.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Donating Half of Novel Earnings for July to Cancer Research

Wearing a "cancer sucks" band to bring awareness to colon cancer, while resting my hand/arm on my dad's fleece blanket.

On July 11th of this year it'll be 5 years since my father passed away from colon cancer (which spread and metastasized in his liver and lungs). I won't write about this topic just yet (I definitely have something planned for the near future) but I wanted to do something special in honor of my dad.

If you haven't read the novel, skip over to the next paragraph because there are some spoiler alerts. If you've read the novel, you know that the topic of cancer is brought up in the novel. I did this because it was something that isn't really talked about in novels (The Fault in Our Stars being one of the exceptions). I won't say more because of bigger spoilers but let's just say that what one of the protagonist went through with the person in their family who had cancer was inspired by what I went through with my own father during his 7-year cancer battle. You want to know what I went through (or at least part of it; the entire thing wasn't based on real life events), read the novel. lol.

Mom and I have wanted to donate to a charity for cancer research for a while now but, due to the financial crunch we've been experiencing since my dad passed, we've been unable to. I, thankfully, have some income coming in from the novel (not a lot but some) so I decided to donate half (50% for the 5 years since dad's passing) of what I earn from sales of Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide. I will be using part of what's left over to hire someone for a better novel cover for the print version (which I hope will be out in autumn or at least as early winter). And, if you're wondering, yes, the sequel will be out before next summer and, yes, I plan to do the same thing next summer with the sequel.

Because mom and I are 100% pro-life, it was decided that St. Baldrick's was going to be receive the donations. My father loved children (and it's so perfect that he ended up being buried near the section where babies are buried at the cemetery) so it seemed like the perfect fit. Before anyone asks, no, St. Baldrick's is not a Catholic organization. Yes, I did look into St. Jude's Children and a number of Catholic organizations but, unfortunately, there were a number of issues ranging from embryonic stem cell research support to contraceptives being offered across the Catholic charities. Unless someone can point me to other organizations (so we can split the donations evenly) that are 100% pro-life, St. Baldrick's is getting the entire thing.

So, there you go. I'm not doing it to boost sales. I don't need the money for material gain. In fact, I will most likely not keep any of it. The other half is being spent on print novel covers and ISBN numbers (Google it; those things are expensive).

If you already have a copy of the novel, consider giving a copy to a friend. Yes, Amazon allows that. ;) And, again, it's only out on eBook right now but I hope it'll be out in print in the next couple of months. No, you don't need a Kindle to buy it. I have a Kindle app on my iPod touch and on my laptop; no need for an actual Kindle. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I have an exam coming on Thursday (as well as the USMNT vs Belgium match coming up in an hour) and it needs my attention.

I hope y'all are having a great start of week.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I Don't Regret Taking Care of My Parents in My 20s

This week I had a fun (well, fun for me) freelance writing assignment about having compassion when taking care of aging loved ones. Even though I may still be in my 20s, most of you lovely readers know that I have my fair share of experience in this department. The assignment triggered memories about what it's like (and how much I've have to give up) taking care of my parents. Naturally I thought: hey, blog post! And now here we are. lol.

For those who are new to the blog, here's the gist of my story: I can't exactly pinpoint when my parents became a priority of mine. My dad was first diagnosed with cancer in my late teens. I ended up finishing part of my junior year and all of my senior year in a single semester. Yes, I completed 13 classes in 3 months, a year and a half ahead of schedule. I helped as much as I could while my dad did chemotherapy and went into remission. I didn't start college until I was 19. When the cancer came back (or I would get sick; anxiety/PTSD relapse), I would either go to school part time or take a semester off. The third and last the (now terminal) cancer returned, I fought Medi-Care and Medi-Cal from their constant threats of discontinuing my father's chemotherapy. I spent hours on the phone arguing with them instead of studying. I took a year off after his death to finish my degree. Somewhere towards the end of my senior year of college it became obvious that I would need to begin to take care of my mother. With her failing memory and health problems, I am going through my second round of taking care of a parent at a young age... and I don't regret it.

What I gave (and am giving) up: I gave up my "youth" in order to take care of my parents. From my late teens until now (my late 20s), I had to give up being "young" in the "young and irresponsible" sense. To be fair, a lot of things never appealed to me. Getting drunk? Going to Vegas? Staying out until the wee hours of the night? Going to parties every weekend? Nope, sorry; never my cup of tea. I also give up sleep on a daily basis as my mom doesn't drive and she starts work at 5 a.m. Yes, I get up that early to drive her to work.

I gave up my dream of attending school abroad. I never did make it to UBC (my dream school), Bath Spa University (where I was headed to prior to my father's second cancer diagnosis), nor Oxford where I was encouraged by a professor to apply. I gave up dating because I knew it wouldn't be fair to anyone to be put into that situation.

I am currently giving up my dream to move out of L.A. (seriously, someone get me out of here!) for grad school because of how things are with mom. If she hadn't started getting lost in our own neighborhood, I would've applied to UBC's Audiology and Speech-Language Pathology grad program... in a heartbeat.

Yes, I've given up (and will continue to give up) a lot... but it doesn't even matter to me. Everything I've ever given up doesn't compare to what I've gained.

I've learned how to differentiate between wants and needs. I've learned that, though it's harder, putting others needs before my own has made me happier. I think about it this way: I am only going to get one set of parents in my lifetime. I had a great father for the first 24 years of my life. I hope to have my amazing mother with me for many more years to come, even if that means giving up more in order to help her. I only have (and had with my father) one shot to thank them for everything they've ever given me and I can't think of a better way to do that than by helping them when they need it. I know a lot of people were disappointed in me for choosing Speech-Language Pathology instead of Theology because it was a way to help my mother instead of following my desire to immerse myself in Theology, but that's just how it has to be.

I sometimes think about my vocation. Though I have been pretty certain that it's being a wife and mother someday, I sometimes get these little moments of doubt. I start thinking "what guy is going to want to marry me when I have my mother to take care of?" We're sort of a packaged deal at this point. Where I go, she goes. While she won't interfere in that department (she has never meddled in any of my relationships), it's going to take some super amazing fella to accept me with her.

I get asked a lot of questions about my relationship with my parents and having had a lot of tough decisions to make as a young woman and I hope this post has answered many of them. :) P.S., Yes, I'm such an INFP... lol.

I should go eat something now. I haven't had lunch and it's almost 3 p.m. Oops. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Urgent Prayer Request for Two Young Mothers

Many of you know about Angela Faddis' cancer fight and the efforts to raise the funds for alternative cancer treatments that could save her life. Her story is heartbreaking, a mother of two young children in a struggle with advanced cancer. The efforts on behalf of her husband and friends hits close to home as we've personally gone through this. If y'all can donate please do and if you can't because you're struggling to make ends meet and can barely afford your own expenses or for whatever other reason, please get the word out. Say a prayer for the Faddis family. Spiritual bouquets are wonderful and miracles can come from them.

Sadly, I also have someone else to the list of prayer requests and it's closer to home. One of my best friends, Eileen, who has been through thick and thin with me for years (she even drove an hour and a half with her family to attend my father's funeral two years ago) has been told they've found abnormal cells that she will need to go get a biopsy to see if she has cancer or not. This won't be her first battle with cancer. She had ovarian cancer a couple of years ago and has been in remission for a while now. It's scary to think she could potentially go into a second battle with cancer. She has four children (one with autism). She's a fighter but it's still scary. So if you could please pray for her, I'd be incredibly grateful.

Anything y'all can do, even a Hail Mary for Angela and Eileen, are greatly appreciated. :)

Stand Up to Cancer

I am watching the Stand Up to Cancer fundraiser and I am quite honestly crying through the entire thing. Cancer is something that has affected all of us in one way or another. My paternal grandfather died of throat cancer. One of my paternal uncles died of lung cancer (he smoked a lot). My own father died of colon cancer last year. One of my best friends, Eileen, fought ovarian cancer at a very young age and is currently in remission. Both my mother and I have had cancer scares (my mother had a breast cancer scare three years ago and I had both a breast cancer and thyroid scare that thankfully turned out to be nothing serious). Cancer is everywhere. What I am thankful about is that people are openly talking about it and encouraging people to get themselves checked out. Please, PLEASE get something checked out if you believe there's something off. If it is something, it's better to get it detected early because you have a better chance of beating it. If it's nothing, as was the case for both mom and I a few years ago, then at least you have that peace of mind. I wear a dark blue "Cancer Sucks" bracelet in honor of my father to remind me to take care of myself and everyone around me.

I saw this PSA featuring a slew of young celebrities standing up to cancer and thought I'd share it. The statistics are scary but I firmly believe that we can both prevent cancer from becoming serious and also make great progress in science to prevent and/or treat it better.



So, please, pray for those who have cancer or who are in remission. Donate your time at a hospital or to someone who is in chemotherapy and needs help. Give love and support if you have someone in your life that has been affected with cancer. Even the smallest things make the biggest difference.

Anyway, I'm going to go and watch the rest of this fundraiser. I hope y'all have a great weekend. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

A Sharp Blow to the Family, but Not Our Faith.

Note: I started this blog yesterday, Tuesday, but am finishing it today, Wednesday.

Tuesday: Dad and I just got back from the doctor's where I got news that made me feel like the burnt crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. At first, we were told that dad just had liver problems, but it was because no one wanted to tell us what the real deal was. Since I am the one who is in charge of dad's medical appointments and business, I got to speak to his doctor personally this morning. He told me that his cancer has indeed returned and this time it was in his liver. A further blow -- his jaundice shows that his cancer is at the advanced stage... and that his cancer is incurable. I fought back the tears (better than I expected) and translated/told my dad that his cancer had returned. I made the decision to not tell him it's incurable, which the doctor said was best. I told him that the chemotherapy he could start in 2 weeks is very intense and aggressive and that he had to choose either that or, as the doctor said, make him as comfortable as he can be until the Lord decided it was time for him to pass, which might be in the near future. Staying strong, keep my faith intact, and getting through this in one piece is going to be the toughest test yet.

I refuse to give up on dad. I refuse to get panic attacks (and I might succeed with the amount of stubbornness I currently have). I refuse to be angry at God for having all of this happen. I've known people who have cursed God for these things but it's completely wrong and stupid to do it. None of this is His fault. If anything, no matter what the outcome is, my faith will only be that much stronger. My mother and I have both said that we'll accept whatever God's will is for my father... but we'll continue to pray and have hope for a miracle. We're realistic but incredibly hopeful at the same time. Last time they told me he had 3 months to live... and that was 2 years ago. Did I mention that I had to keep that to myself for months? Doctors can make predictions but only God knows when we will pass away. I'm not going to listen to any estimates they want to throw at us. All I'm going to do is pray... that dad, mom, and I get the strength we need to get through this. I've already felt more strength than I ever thought I had. I'm seriously owing my lack of panic attack to St. Dymphna.

I already have so many things I've got brewing in my head that I have to take care of. I'm happy dad agreed to the chemo (which he will start in 2 weeks from today). His new doctor, who is AMAZING and I'm pretty sure Catholic or Christian and pro-life, is going to keep him in the hospital for two days per week while he has his chemo done. I'm also grateful that dad refuses to go down without a fight. Now I know where I get it from. :) I am going to try to get my license in the next week or two, too. I need to step it up in that department. We have two cars, one of which is part mine, so I can use them to take dad to the hospital and pick him up while he has chemo. I'm also going to on with life as normally as possible for my parents' sake.

I've already been told by both of my parents that they forbid me to put school on hold yet again. I was originally supposed to graduate from college in 2006 (I graduated from high school a year and a half early :)) but I've taken years off to take care of dad in the past. I wanted to take the time off again but dad put his foot down and told me to forget about it -- I'm going to finish that degree by 2011 as is the current plan. I believe this is the reason why I decided early on this year (and late last year) not to attend UBC or Oxford this upcoming Fall. Well, the reason why UBC didn't work out (after that problem with the rude admissions lady) and why, despite my love of England, I just suddenly lost interest in attending Oxford.

Wednesday: It's a day later and things are surprisingly well. Thank you to all my friends on Facebook and twitter who told me they would prayer and/or have prayed for our family. Dad actually slept through the night without being in pain, which is rare. He's also in better spirits, as are my mom and I. Since my dad's still very fatigued, my good friend/bro drove me around to do some errands and to pick up some things for dad at the San Fernando Mission. I got him a St. Peregrine (patron saint of cancer patients) medal and prayer card. He's going to wear the medal along with his Sacred Heart and Our Lady of Guadalupe medal. :) (Btw, if any of you have a loved one or friend who is suffering from cancer, here is the novena to St. Peregrine) There is so much prayer and just devotion to our faith in this house... it's a complete 180 from when dad was healthy.

I've taken the time to process everything and I'm now, more than ever, ready to tackle whatever obstacle that stands in my way. I'm also grateful that we have so many people who are willing to help us -- from dad's new doctor to family and friends. I've even got friends who are lapsed Catholics started to pray again. Maybe what is happening is not just for our family, but perhaps it will help bring others closer to Him and the Church. If that's the case, whatever the outcome, it will definitely be worth it in the end. Now, if I can just get dad into confessions, for the first time in 40+ years... well, my mission continues and I will not give up. See? My stubbornness HAS returned. lol.

I think I will go work on the novel a bit, as well as read up on St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Eugene de Mazenod, and especially St. Toribio Romo Gonzalez. I dreamt about St. Toribio a few weeks ago and I FINALLY figured out who he was. Yes, it's like with St. Teresa of Avila all over again. First I dream the saint, then I have to go search for who the saint is until I find them. :)

Again, thank you all for your prayers. It means a lot to me and my family. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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