My Vocation Fear and a Costly Lesson Learned

Y'all know the writing gig I've been dropping hints about for the past 2 weeks or so? Well, now that the first article is up, I can officially let y'all in on the news. Meet EpicPew's newest contributing writer: me! ;)

Thanks to my friend, Theresa, I'm currently on a trial basis as a contributing writer for EpicPew. It's a website I'd subscribed to (for daily updates via email) while I was in school because I liked the content that they post. When Theresa let me know they were looking for writers, I didn't hesitate to say I was interested in applying. Long story short, it led to my first assignment on pro-life marches coming up this weekend and next.

The lovely thing about this whole thing is that it happened when I finally let go and let God take over. It happened the day I found out I wasn't going to continue the SLP program at Utah State. I had resigned myself to do whatever God wanted me to do. I didn't know how I was going to begin to repay my student loans. I didn't know what work I could possibly do with everything that's been going on. All I knew was that I fully trusted God to lead me down whatever path He wanted me to take. If I couldn't find anything because I needed to rest, I would rest. If I could find something I could do (and, hopefully, enjoy), I would welcome it. Immediately, this happened and, well, I couldn't be happier!

The interesting thing is that, last week, when I was contacted by the folks at Utah State that they wanted to help me continue down the SLP path by trying to help me get financial aid to finish the last two classes I "needed" (which I don't actually need) was also the day I got my first article greenlit. Cue the "fork in the middle of the road" metaphor. lol. I felt a peace when it came to writing for EpicPew. I feel a tightness in my chest and a foreboding feeling when I think about the SLP path. It was a no-brainer; I was going to stick to writing and not return to Utah State.

Ever since I decided to give an honest effort to make it as a writer (which isn't easy!), I've felt an enormous peace settle in my heart and in my very being. I gave a half-hearted try when I had finished my undergrad degree in 2012 because I felt called to it... but the pressure to do something that had a more steady income made me abandoned that dream. I wish I hadn't because all it did was get me $43k in student loan debt (I only had $2,000 student loan debt after I finished my first B.A.).

So, what's my takeaway from this long (and, literally, costly) mistake? That one shouldn't ignore what one feels called to out of fear (in my case, financial stability) because God always finds a way to provide. Even before I had finished my first degree, I'd felt like God was slowly tugging me into a career as a writer. When Patrick Madrid gave me my first big writing break in 2010 (that led to other freelance writing gigs; some secular, some Catholic), I didn't even have writing on my radar as a possible career path. I loved writing but I didn't consider doing it for the Catholic world until it happened. Again, financial difficulties, as well as dry spells that every writer experiences, led me to abandon it when I really should've just abandoned myself to His Divine Providence. I mean, I eventually did... years later. lol. You live and learn, folks!

I guess I know why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life for most of last year. He's now my vocation patron saint. I have weekly articles coming up on EpicPew. I have the memoir I'm ghostwriting. I'm working on my third novel (which has undergone a change from its original plot). I hope God continues to show me what He wants me to do... and that I continue to have the courage to do it, even if it means that things may get a little difficult (financially) at times.

That's it for now. I'm doing an experiment to try to get my sleeping schedule back on track which involves shutting off all screens (laptop, phone, iPod touch) early so I need to go finish taking care of emails and everything else before my "screens off" time comes up. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Why I Decided to Share This Decision With You

I wasn't going to do it. I was going to wait until I was finished to drop the big surprise on everyone. On this blog, I've talked about a "new chapter" and a new long-time project but very few (we're talking probably a handful of) people knew what I was talking about it. Then last week happened and God made me see that I'd made my decision to not say anything partly out of fear of failing horribly and partly due to pride. What a prideful moment I would've had in telling y'all that I (God willing) finished something this big. However, I could feel God telling me, "Share it. You could use the prayers. No lady is an island." So, here it goes...

I returned to Utah State to finish my second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education late last month. It was not a decision I made on a whim nor one that I took lightly. As some of you may remember, I felt like I had no clarity about what I was meant to do with my life at that time. When I made the decision to take a leave of absence in early May, I thought I was done. I thought I wasn't going to return to finish the degree... yet something in me didn't want me to leave the school completely. I asked for some time off while I figured things out. I didn't want to burden myself with more student loans and I had a slew of other reasons to not continue... except that I had one good reason to continue: it seems to be what God is calling me to do.

I actually took nearly an entire month to be sure that it was what God was calling me to do. I did a couple of novenas but the one that really gave me a huge result was the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena Mom and I made for both my health and my clarity of mind since both were answered within a week of each other.

It started with getting those amazing health results towards the end of May. Then I had this big "Eureka!" moment during which I felt like God opened my eyes. I was honest with myself about what I wanted; what I felt called to do. It was when I honestly said (and told some of my closest friends) that I felt like my future will be me focusing on my family and not so much a career that I figured everything else out. In order to do what I feel called to do, I need to pay off my student loans... and what better way to do that than with a career that is in demand, especially for someone who is fluent in both English and Spanish? Not only that, I will learn to work with children, with whom I don't have a lot of experience with since most of my friends have moved away and I don't get a lot of time with my nieces and/or nephews.

I forgot who said it -- possibly St. Francis de Sales or Bl. PGF -- but I remember reading a saint's own words about how sometimes we need to do what feels like a chore in order to be able to get to what we feel called to do. St. Therese of Lisieux had to wait a while before she could enter the convent. Other saints have had to do other things before they were able to begin fulfilling their vocations. I am no saint (though I aspire to be one someday) but knowing that those much holier than I have had to wait and have had to do work they didn't want to do (and offer it up along the way) in order to achieve their goal made me want to push forward.

I'm not going to pretend that my career path was chosen solely out of selflessness because that would be dishonest. Don't get me wrong, I actually like this career path. I initially chose it because I wanted to help children with speech impediments and it's still a big reason why I'm going forward. I enjoy giving the Goldman-Fristoe Test of Articulation (probably my favorite thing to do in the assessment process). The big kid in me loves being able to incorporate play (like, actual boardgames and toys) into therapy sessions that help a child learn how to speak more clearly. I loved my little group of 3 to 5-year-old little guys when I did some of my observation hours at a private practice. However, I also know that the (current) biggest motivator is being able to pay off my student loans. It may make me sound terrible but that's the honest answer. I love the path God has me on now... but I'm working on something greater than a career.

I still believe that God is calling me to be a wife and mother someday. It is still a dream of mine to educate my future children at home if it's God's will. I don't feel like I'm called to make speech-language pathology a long-term career (I feel like God has other plans in store for me in the future; plans that involve writing and/or being a speaker) so I won't be pursuing a Master's in this field. Once I finish this degree and do my state-mandated hours for my license, I'm calling time on my academic career. I do, however, feel like this is where God wants me right now so I'm just going to go forward and see what else God has in store for me in the future.

I wasn't lying when I said this was a new chapter for me. It is a new chapter since I'm doing things much differently this time around. I'm not ashamed to say that I have disability accommodations due to my PTSD. These accommodations allow me to get extra time on my exams so that I don't have a panic attack and blank out during exams. Oh, yes, that's been happening since I started the program 3 years ago; the little time we're given during exams trigger the fight or flight response in me. The memories of teachers (yes, teachers) and fellow students harassing me in front of everyone will always be in the back of my mind when I start feeling anxious/trapped in something school-related so the extra time allows me to take a moment to breathe and relax so I can continue taking the exam without worrying about not finishing it on time. I already witnessed how helpful it was when I did my first big exam this past weekend. I didn't do as well as I would've liked but, considering how poorly I felt (I had slept almost all day the day before and the day of the exam), I'm grateful for the grade I received and for the extra time which helped me focus on the big essay portion of the exam which was worth the most points.

Yes, I'm re-taking a class for the third time (y'all should see how many of us are repeating this one particular course) and that's humbling but that's okay. I needed to be humbled after how proud I was of my past academic successes. Perhaps that's why I also felt called to share this with y'all; to make sure I didn't fall back into that pride... and because, yes, I will need all the prayers I can get this and next semester.

This semester I'm taking three courses: the second and third hardest courses in the program (the hardest course is scheduled for the Spring semester) along with another one. I'm already incredibly overwhelmed by the amount of work and the amount of memorization I've had to do in the first couple of weeks. It didn't help that I was out of it for three straight days -- the entire weekend -- when I had my first big exam which made it difficult to recall the lectures I'd watched and the notes I'd taken. This is going to be a tough road -- one that I hope to finish (with a completed degree) in late April-early May (depending on when my final exams are scheduled).

As I told God before my exam on Friday night, I won't insult Him by asking Him to perform miracles if I don't put the effort to study myself. I'm not going to say "Oh, please let me pass... even if I don't study." No. That's why I've accepted my 64% on my first exam. I wasn't able to study as I would've liked, partly due to procrastination and some distractions but also because I've been sick. However, I do have the motivation to do and finish well now that I've gotten that score. It was the thing that kicked started my motivation because I had practically none for the first 2-3 weeks of the semester.

I know what I'm capable of (when I'm healthy) so I'm going to try to take care of myself and study as much as I can. This is where prayer comes in. I was somehow able to focus on the essay despite feeling as crummy as I did and I did so much better than I was anticipating. I know it was all God (thanks to the intercession of the Holy Spirit and St. Jude) because I actually felt alert that hour it took me to finish the exam. After that? Back to sleeping all day. In fact, I've still not recovered. I've still been sleeping all day (or barely sleeping like last night) and I have another big exam this weekend and 5 quizzes so, you know, back to praying that my health cooperates with me for this upcoming Friday's big exam/quiz bonanza... and the two big exams I have next week.

If it's His will that I finish this degree, I will. If not, I won't. St. Francis de Sales has been popping up in my life a lot in recent months and, despite not continuing with the third novel, I still have the ghostwriting gig (which, thankfully, the woman whose life story I'm writing is telling me to do when I have free time from schoolwork). I think more writing is in my future but, for now, my focus is on this degree and whatever comes from it.

So, there you have it. This is the big secret I was carrying around with me that I'd alluded to these past couple of months. In your charity, I ask you to please keep me in your prayers. Like I said, my health decided to mess around with me again (and it just began going down again only two weeks before the semester began after an unusually healthy summer -- lightheadedness and dizziness excluded) and this may just be my toughest semester (coursework and exam wise) of this program.

I may not write again until I get caught up with my studying and exams (I completely lost the first 3 weeks). After the 30th of this month, my coursework schedule should slow down a bit but I probably won't blog more than once or twice more before then. We'll see what God has in store for me.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"Congrats on Graduating!" ... But I'm Not.

Taken during this weekend's studying frenzy, hence the flash cards everywhere.

Since Saturday, I've received postcards and phone calls congratulating me on my upcoming graduation. "You must be excited! May 6th will come before you know it!" It gets a little awkward when I have to say "Oh, thank you... but I'm not graduating yet. I'm not scheduled to graduate until December." You can hear a pin drop while the information registers in the mind of whoever called. Cue the awkward pause and nervous chatter that follows it.

Long story short, I was scheduled to graduate this semester but, for reasons only God knows, it had to be pushed back from this May to this upcoming December; from the end of Spring semester to the end of Fall semester. I don't think they've updated their database at Utah State (where I'm currently on track to finish my second Bachelor of Arts in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education) because, well, I keep getting these calls and things in the mail. Oh, I still asked for the tassel to be sent to my house since I'll technically finish in the year 2017 and I want that tassel that says 2017. lol.

I've actually been thinking a lot about school and graduation in the last couple of weeks. Actually, scratch that; it's been on my mind for months. I was going to wait a bit longer to write about this but, well, it's been a big theme for me this Lent: I'm not even sure that I'm going to finish this degree. Only three of my closest friends have known about this for weeks because I've asked for their opinions and/or just needed to get the thoughts that were bouncing around in my mind out into the open.

No, I'm not quitting... exactly. In the past couple of weeks/months -- especially following the end of the 54-day Rosary novena -- I've felt like God is calling me down a different path on which I won't need this degree. I don't know whether that means I won't be working in this field too long after graduation or if it means that a job will come along which will pull me away from finishing this degree... but it's something along those lines. I'm perfectly at peace with either option. I've gained a lot of clarity which has brought that inner peace during this Lenten season.

First, the main theme for this Lent seems to have been a renewal and recommitment to trusting God despite my fears. The doctor appointments / random ER visit, the last-minute trip to Mexico, and the other things I will eventually write about in the coming days and weeks... it's all been about trusting God.

I can almost hear God asking me, "do you trust me?" whenever a difficult situation comes up.

"Yes," I answer, though, truthfully, sometimes it's done with some apprehension because letting go is easier said than done. More like "I'm trying to but, yes, it's ultimately what I want to do."

"Then let go and let Me take care of it," I can imagine Him saying to me.

I let go of a fear about something I needed to take for my health. After having had a number of adverse reactions to medications and allergies and intolerances to foods, I'd developed a fear of trying anything new out of fear of ending up in the hospital. I'll hopefully find out if what I'm taking (while I haven't been taking for very long) has made a bit of difference. My doctors were finally able to get me a hematology appointment after trying to get it approved for years (yes, years plural). I hope that we'll soon know why my red and white blood cells, as well as my platelets, have been on a downward trend in the last couple of years. I'm still hoping the answer is as simple as it being a result of my health crashing from overdoing it and not taking care of myself three years ago -- then the relapse following the car accident a year and a half ago -- as well as a poor diet that has led my folate level to be at dismal number/level.

Just like I let go of that fear to do something that will make me healthier, I'm going to let go of my fears of financial instability. I'm going to let God guide me down whatever career path He wants me to take, even if it's something radically new. He knows better than I do what I need to do in order to do His will. If I somehow do end up having to leave the degree unfinished, I'm not going to regret or lament it.

Not finishing the degree won't mean that I've quit out for selfish reasons or because I couldn't handle it. It'll simply mean that I've chosen to follow God's path for me rather than my own. I've already made peace with the fact that I'm not going to go back and finish my Master's in Theology either. Oh, I've received a lot of clarity about that (no Theology MA) and I'm owing that to St. Francis de Sales who seems to have somehow become my (surprise/unplanned) patron this Lent. Again, I'm not sure if this will happen but I'm at peace with it if this is what ends up happening.

If I do end up finishing this degree -- which is looking like the most likely outcome at this point -- I've already made the decision not to attend the graduation ceremony. After hearing about how graduation is celebrated in Italy (shout out and a public "congrats!" to my good friend, Francesca, who received her Master's degree in Italy last month) and comparing it to how it's celebrated in the States, I decided against it. It's not my style. Need I remind longtime readers what I did during my first undergrad graduation ceremony? lol. If I finish this degree, I'll opt for a homemade dinner with family and close friends; a way of thanking them for all their support. Okay, maybe I'll add a trip to Disneyland to celebrate if I can afford it. lol.

Everything is up in the air in terms of the future of my education and career but that's okay. I have plans for the current path I'm in: finish the degree in December, work on the required (in CA) 100 supervised hours before receiving my license to become a speech-language pathology assistant (SLPA) either March through May or September through November of 2018 (depending which school/program I can complete the hours in), and then start working. I'll continue down this path until God makes His will for me clearer.

I can technically begin working as an SLPA in other states because I've already completed the required 25 supervised hours that many states ask for (I completed them last semester) so maybe God will call me to work in another state that doesn't have as many requirements in CA as soon as I graduate. Maybe the autobiography I'm ghostwriting (have I written about that yet?) will kick-start the writing career I've always dreamed about. I don't know. All I know is that I've placed my future in God's hands and I trust that He will lead me to Him... and that's all I want.

Anyway, I wanted to write and this is what came out. I don't know how much blogging I'll get done this week. I'm starting to study for finals and then we (Mom and I) are going to try to do only what's necessary from Thursday evening through Sunday morning; for the Paschal Triduum. That means no music (uber hard for me), no TV (not sure if Mom can go without TV, lol), and little to no online time (it'll depend on a group project but I'll most likely choose to not use my laptop nor the iPod touch during the Triduum). I do have reading and studying planned since I need to study and the reading is all centered around the Passion and my relationship with God but that's about it.

If, in your charity, you can please say a pray for clarity regarding my education and career path, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Not a Complete Lost Cause?

Note to self (and everyone else): don't ever think I'll have time to blog during the semester because "free time" does not exist. How many weeks until winter break? 5? How months until graduation? 6? Cue "Little Emmy that Could" motivational slogans...

Oh, hi, everyone! Sorry for the lack of posts but, well, "free time" is the unicorn in my life right now. I had a rare two hours of free time a couple of days ago so I wrote a chapter and a half for NaNoWriMo but that's about it. Whatever free time I have in between observation hours, writing the reports for those hours, watching lecture videos, doing homework assignments, and preparing for tests (but not studying for them... never enough time) has been spent in prayer or making sure I'm eating and sleeping well. I'm not making the mistake of not eating and sleeping in order to get everything done like I did two years ago. I don't want to repeat that, especially since I'm still paying for it with my health. (quick side note to that: I've managed to maintain a healthy weight and have even regained two of the pounds I'd lost during the early part of the semester when I was going through all my health scares. I've also been eating and sleeping well.)

Anyway, I've had a couple of people ask me if I've been able to get to Mass since my last blog post and I'm happy to say that I was able to go for All Saints' Day (finally, a day of obligation for L.A.!)... but only for a couple of minutes. Long story short, my mother wasn't feeling well (chest pressure and palpitations) and I wasn't about to leave her home alone while I went to Mass, make her make the 15-mile trip to the local Latin Mass, nor have her miss Mass if she felt better later so I had to cancel our transportation and settled on going to Mass at the local parish. There were a few hiccups along the way and we ended up arriving little late to Mass. Not only that, the priest at this parish loves to use incense and, while I love the smell of it, it makes me much more lightheaded than I usually have been lately. I had to stand in the back for the majority of the time we were there and then I started feeling worse so we had to leave. I did try and we made it to the Mass but just not the entire Mass. Baby steps, right? Hopefully, tomorrow will be more successful.

What I have been getting better about is my prayer life. On All Saints' Day, we (many of you lovely blog readers, friends, and even my mama) started the 54-day Rosary novena which has been a huge blessing to far. Yes, we're only 5 days into it and I've had my fair share of not so great experiences in those 5 days but I've been able to focus on the Rosary meditations much better than I have in months. Also, is it just me or has this novena been going by way too fast? I feel like it's flying by. I don't know if it's because I have so much to do during the day (which leaves my novena prayer time for right before I go to bed), if it's because I'm used to the praying the Rosary daily, because I do novenas frequently, or a combination of all three. Maybe this novena was just what I needed to get back in the proper mind frame.

Even a year ago, while I was at JPCatholic, I was still in that "I need to get coursework done first!" mentality. I put essential things such as sleep, eating, and even prayer time before it. Now it's the opposite. I put more of an emphasis on self-care and prayer. I'm not stressing out as much on getting all the maximum points on my assignments and exams. My motto this semester has been: "if I pass, awesome... if not, oh well. I tried." That's not to say that I don't study (when I have the time and mental capacity for it) but I don't stress myself out like I used to. I keep reminding myself that I have other options in case I end up not being able to finish this degree for whatever reason. I already have one degree and other career options. I'm trusting God to pull off miracles if I come up short in my efforts (especially if they're beyond my control) but He wants me to take that particular path in life. So maybe I'm not a complete lost cause?

Even though I've come out meetings and the confessional feeling like I don't have what it takes to be a faithful Catholic (just one priest has made me feel that way, btw), even though I can't always make it to Mass, even though I'm still trying to remember that the state of my soul needs more attention than temporary things here on this earth -- coursework, I'm looking at you, and even though I can't always concentrate on some of my prayers (folate deficiency and anemia are mental fog beasts), maybe there's still hope for me. I've certainly felt that way since All Saints' Day. Again, not sure if it's the novena or everyone's prayers because I know I have a lot of people praying for me. Cue "Everything is Awesome" from the LEGO movie. lol.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm hoping to make it to confession in an hour so I should go eat and get ready. Please, oh, please... let me go to confession today! It's been 6 long weeks, the longest I've gone without going to confession in years. I'm usually a "week to 2 weeks" type of gal when it comes to this sacrament so I'm itching to go back. 

I won't have time to blog again until at least after Tuesday because I have an exam on Monday morning to study for and observation hours to do... and homework assignments due... and reports to write for the observation hours... and a research paper to write with a group... Yeah, can December 16 get here already? Thanks. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great weekend and have a lovely rest of weekend into next week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Dad...

Today is the 7th anniversary of your death. I still can't wrap my mind around it being that long. It both does and doesn't feel like much time has passed. I haven't forgotten what you look like but I occasionally forget what your voice sounded like. I guess that's normal since it's been so long.

I started playing the guitar again. This time, it's a little more regularly. I stopped playing after you died. It took me a good 5-6 years to really find any interest in it again. You promised me a guitar shortly before you died which still occasionally hurts. No, getting the guitar doesn't matter; it's the fact that you promised something that will never be fulfilled that got me down. It's a constant reminder that there were things we planned that will never get fulfilled. Every time I picked the guitar up, I was reminded of you and that promise. I remember all those times you drove me to my lessons as well as the times you drove me to get my first two guitars (and how you picked out the first one I ever owned). I think it was quite funny that the only thing that cheered me up this weekend was picking up my acoustic guitar and playing, followed by singing. There's more music in the house, like you liked when you were alive.

I've been through heck and back over the last year but I'm still here, thriving despite the setbacks. I still have that fire in me that I inherited from both you and Mom. My health has gone through ups and downs but I'm overall recovering. The car accident didn't feel me down for too long and I've been driving ever since I got my car back from the mechanic. You'd be proud of me for that. I know you were worried about me and my anxiety before you died but it's been better than it's been since I was a teenager. I've had moments of anxiety (and the darn antibiotics brought them back this past week) but I'm not letting it keep me down for long. Your little girl doesn't get easily scared nor does she quit.

Speaking of quitting, despite the academic setbacks, I've not quit that either. I'm returning to the SLP field. I was accepted to Utah State once again over the weekend. I should be graduating early next May. On your deathbed I promised you that I'd take care of Mom and since it's becoming quite clear that she's going to need to retire sooner than later, I've put my dreams of that Theology MA on the backburner in favor of a career as an SLPA. Isn't that what you and Mom taught me; that sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our family? Once I can get that going, I'll return to finish the other degree. I don't regret it nor am I upset at the sudden change of plans. They weren't what I had planned but God knows what He's doing. I know He is helping guide me down this journey of mine and for now I have to focus on this. :)

Not much else to report on. I'm that same content little girl you raised. Things don't always work out as I'd like them to and I do get down for a little while but I bounce back. I'm still incredibly silly when I'm with those whom I trust. I still carry myself the way you and Mom taught me to act. I hope you'd be proud of the woman I've grown up to be. I still feel like I'm growing but I think that's a never ending process.

I'm still single (I'm sure you'd appreciate that since my sister married so young, lol) but I'm happy. I know I have to be happy with myself by myself or else I'm going to place unrealistic expectations on the future fella and future family. I still think it's in the cards for me but not now. For whatever reason, I have to wait a bit longer and that's okay. One of the last things you said to me before you died was that you trusted my judgment when it came to relationships and that's something I continue to carry with me. Don't worry, I've got more than enough people willing to step in and check out (*cough*interrogate*cough*) potential candidates. Thank you for raising me with old fashioned values; it's helped me weed out jerks.

I still think about you all the time and you pop up in my dreams quite often, especially when I have an important decision weighing on my mind. I hope I can continue making you proud. I'll always remember the lessons you taught me (especially how to parallel park like a boss) and make sure I'm the best person I can be.

With love,

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Silly Fears vs Doing God's Will

Last week I was offered a job by a priest and I ended up doing something I never thought I'd do: I declined it. The girl who wants to eventually get her Masters in Theology... who loves going to adoration and daily Mass... who fangirls over seeing nuns and priests in places like Disneyland... that girl declined to work in a place where she'd be content.

Before you ask why this is a big deal, please refer back to my post about being apprehensive about taking a job and entering a field that was not fully immersed in the Church; a "secular" job. It was written right before I "bit the bullet" and decided (almost impulsively) to apply to Utah State's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. I used to think that if I didn't have a job doing something related to Catholicism, I would be in danger of being pulled away. It was silly but I'd seen too many people fall away easily.

I spent the first 7 years of my reversion (late summer 2006 through autumn 2013) wanting to be completely immersed in Catholicism. I didn't really want to do anything else. However, I was stuck. That isn't to say that the Church and my Faith has kept my back; it was my own lack of trust of God and my own silly fears that kept me from moving forward. Then (with a lot of help from my spiritual director) I decided to let go and to trust God. "Okay, Lord, you want me to do this? I'll do it," has been my motto over the past couple of months... and especially over the last couple of weeks.

As I shared with y'all, I failed my first couple of exams when I started the COMD (that's the nickname we use) program last month. I over-studied for one class and I didn't study well enough for another. I wasn't the only one; those of us newbies who don't have a background in linguistics were (and still are) struggling. However, as much as it stung for this self-described academic nerd, I am still grateful because it only fueled the fire to do well. I could've easily said "well, I tried... this isn't for me" or "I should've stuck to Theology." I could've withdrawn from my courses right then and there since it was still early enough in the semester to do so... but I didn't. I didn't want to quit because I feel such a wonderful peace and happiness when I am doing my coursework. No matter how hard my courses may be (and they are hard; I didn't blog for weeks because of difficult exams/midterms I had to study for), I'm sure I'm doing what God wants me to do so I keep fighting.

The job offer came the week before my difficult Chemistry exam. For those who know me, y'all know that science (and math!) and I don't get along. At all. Those had been my biggest weak spots as a student from junior high until the end of my first Bachelor's degree. The thought "well, if I fail this thing spectacularly, it'll be a sign that maybe I'm not in the right field after all" popped up but I wasn't convinced. While it would have been a dream come true to get this job offer up until a few months ago, it doesn't feel right anymore. I still feel an immense love for the Church but having a job at a parish is not where I'm meant to be at the moment.

At the risk of sounded boastful (which I'm really not trying to do), I have never had to really work hard for desired grades. Everything came easy to me... but it took me these first 7 weeks in the COMD program to realize that it was all easy for me because I didn't have to push myself. I was coasting; I did things that didn't really challenge me in any way out of fear. The same could've been said for my spiritual life. I lived in fear (which produced anxiety) and that was what kept me in my "comfort zone"; it kept me from moving forward.

Having to let go of my silly fears and learning to have complete trust in God (even when I'm not sure of what He has in store for me) hasn't been easy. I know I've said this a lot over the last couple of weeks but it's still very true. Part of what I had to let go of was my fear of not having a job that was connected to Catholicism in any obvious way. "Okay, Lord... you want me to do this? I'll do it."

While I was studying Chemistry last week (and Anatomy... and Speech Communications in previous weeks), I came to realize just how amazing God is in ways I never really considered. Instead of being grossed out in anatomy (yeah, I don't do blood and guts too well), I've been able to see how amazing the human body really is. Instead of just learning how to help children speak, I've seen how incredible babies are and how they begin their understanding of language from the moment they're born (or even while still in the womb, according to some scientists). Instead of just learning what formulas were needed for conversion, I was able to see how even the smallest atom has an important role in His creation. Who said Catholicism and science can't be friends? ;)

So, yes, I did turn down a job that would have me in a happy, comfortable place... but it's because I don't believe it's what God wants for me. (side note: before you ask me, no, I can't do both right now. The program I'm in is too intense and requires most of my time.) I'm no longer going for comfort due to fears or my selfish wants. I'm doing what God wants from me, even if that means I'll get challenged in ways I never imagined. For me, that currently means enduring an intense program so that I can help others. If God gave me the gift of patience (which seems nonexistent when I drive sometimes, lol), the ability to hold babies and little children's attentions (baby magnet *points to self*), and a great desire to and love of helping others, I think I'm entering the right field. A rose from St. Therese of Lisieux on her feast day, an acceptance letter to the COMD program on St. Teresa of Avila's feast day, and an overwhelming sense of peace can't be wrong. ;)

So, final score (sorry, World Cup on my mind): Emmy's silly fears: 0 and Doing God's will: 1... just as it should always be. :D

Alright, I need to go finish cleaning up my desk before I study for one of my COMD courses. :)

I hope y'all have been well. Keep sending me those prayer requests; I've gotten to them all thus far. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 8: Life Happens Edition

-- 1 --

Yes, I know... I dropped the ball for this week's What I Learned Wednesday post but it was for a good reason. I received my student number earlier in the week (officially an Aggie!) and I had to do my student orientation stuff online since I obviously don't live in Utah and can't go on campus easily. It definitely took much longer than anticipated so I spent my evening doing that. As for earlier in the week and day, I've been busy so I didn't get a chance. I may just write future posts ahead of time (when I have free time) so that I quit missing them.

-- 2 --

I found out that I have the option to attend graduation after I finish my post-BA/pre-MS program because I am technically getting a second Bachelor's (Bachelor of Science this time) degree. I am entertaining the idea but that is way in the future (at least a year and a half from now) so I still have time to decide. Still, it's so lovely of them to include us Distance Education students in the graduation ceremonies. I may just stay on for their grad program... which would mean moving to Utah for at least two years. We'll see.

-- 3 --

I had my spiritual direction meeting yesterday and it was all kinds of awesome. I need a major overhaul in my prayer life so these meetings are definitely necessary. It was also decided that I need to re-discern my vocation. I still believe that I am called to marriage (you know, when Prince Charming decides to stop for directions so he can get here. Men... :-P) but I want to be sure that I've properly discerned my vocation before I move forward.

-- 4 -- 

And while I'm on the topic of marriage: no, the Pinterest board I created (which I named "Going to the Chapel") is not for my wedding plans. I know some of you congratulated me on Twitter but I can assure you that I do not have any thoughts of matrimony at the present. The board was created to help plan the wedding of two other people, neither of who are me. I am not going to try to plan anything for myself until there's been a proposal. Capisce? lol.

-- 5 -- 

NaNoWriMo is starting in exactly one week from today... which means I'm going to be busier than usual. I have a ton of research to do this week in preparation for it, too. I want to write the entire sequel to Will and Lina (which is the current title to my first completed novel) during NaNo so that readers won't hate me too much for how the first novel ended. And that's all I'm saying so there's no spoilers. lol.

-- 6 -- 

I have been really missing some of my friends lately. Many of them I lost touch with when I deactivated my Facebook account because it's how they primarily keep in touch with everyone else. I've also been missing friends that have gone missing on Twitter. It's just a crummy "Emmy misses her friends" week for me. I need a hug in a cup (tea), a PB&J sandwich, and a hug. Stat!

-- 7 --

I've been encourage to either start podcasting or to prepare myself to start public speaking as part of my ministry (which I had no idea was a ministry? lol). I am not sure whether I have the time/energy to do it with everything else that I have going on but I may try it in the near future, before the SLP program takes over my life and after NaNo lets me breathe. lol.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that's it for now. See? I can do quick takes properly. lol.

I hope y'all had a great week and have a fab weekend. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Best. Week. Ever. Thank you, God!

Isn't my new desktop crucifix pretty? It comes from the Holy Land. *insert Catholic fangirling squeals* 

Having a week that is packed with back-to-back good news and events is rare. However, I am declaring last week the "best week ever"... or at least of the past 4 years. So just what happened to make it the best week ever? I shall tell you.

I know y'all know about my big news from last week's What I Learned Wednesday post; that I was accepted to Utah State's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. If you read the post you know that I'm only doing this in the meantime (the financial crunch in an expensive city is real, y'all) and that I will pursue a Master of Arts in Theology when things are a little more financially stable (and I am more prepared to teach or do something with the degree). That was huge... but then things got better.

On Thursday, I went in for my follow-up doctor's appointment. They made me wait nearly 3 months for my gluten test results. My doctor is actually new as my former doctor abruptly left so he didn't know I was supposed to get my results. I did ask him before I left and he said that they had come back negative. That means that after a three month Eucharist-free life, I can once again receive it.

I was on cloud 9 when I heard that. I had not attended daily Mass because I cried every time I went to Mass and couldn't receive the Eucharist in either form and going to daily Mass would've been torture for me (not to mention emotionally draining). And before you ask (and I got this asked a lot), I couldn't do wine because I had a bad reaction the last time I had done it. After you spend the day in bed with bodily aches, you tend to not try what made you sick again. I actually let my SD know at Mass yesterday and I think he was as stoked as I was because he saw how it drained me. 

So, daily Mass and communion starts again tomorrow. I couldn't yesterday because I haven't gone to confession in two weeks and I missed Mass last Sunday so I didn't feel right receiving (even though I was sick last Sunday). Thankfully my parish has confessions 4 times a week so I can go tomorrow. :D Odds are I will cry tears of joy. Y'all don't know just how much I ache (yes, ache; sounds dramatic but I don't know how else to describe it) for the Eucharist. Sure, I offered it up but to be able to receive again is amazing.

And then on Saturday came a huge day for me. As many of you know, I have so much respect for Patrick Madrid for several reasons. He gave me my first real break as a writer by publishing two of my articles in Envoy Magazine (issues 9.3 and 10.1). Not only that, he kept in touch with me while I was at my horrible CINO college alma mater and offered me the support I needed to get through it in one piece. He's sort of like a second dad (and I've even jokingly asked him to adopt me) and I feel blessed. 

Patrick talking about why he's Catholic. Taken from the merch table where I was hanging out.

Well, this past Saturday I was finally able to meet him in person for the first time since I "met" him online over 4 years ago. He was a speaker at the Catholic apologetics conference that was held at the St. Joseph Center in Alhambra (run by the wonderful Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart of Los Angeles). I didn't get to talk to him for long but I was happy for the time we did get to chat. (side note: For the record: no, I am not posting the picture that I took with Patrick because, as some of you know, I was threatened and it was substantial enough that it was decided that it was no longer safe for me to post any pictures of myself online.)

I did not stay for the entire conference (insert rant about the transportation network/system I use), I was able to stay for part of it and, I have to say, it definitely reminded me of why I love being Catholic. If you haven't gone to an event where he's speaking at, I highly recommend you do. The "okay, young lady, Theology as soon as possible" feeling definitely burned brighter in my heart. I know God wants me to do something for the Church but I also know He wants me to take care of other things before I can do this.

By the end of the week (Sunday) I was feeling pretty awesome. I had an amazing week and it ended with me getting a crucifix from the Holy Land *points to first picture in post*. All of this got me thinking about how I may never not think that everything happens for a reason.

I have this motto for whenever I feel like the world is crumbling around me: we go through hard times because something wonderful is coming up and it'll make us appreciate it that much more. I truly believe this. I have been struggling with stomach problems for over a year now yet and, as part of doctor tests, I couldn't receive the Eucharist for a couple of months. If I loved it (Eucharist) before, I am even more enamoured with it now. I struggled at a terrible school where professors made me feel like I was a thorn in their side and was nothing but an unwanted pest, and I got accepted (in three days!) to my top choice for my pre-MA SLP program.

All I could do during Mass was smile and thank Him for all the blessings he had bestowed on me last week. I try to thank Him for everything that has happened in the past but all these things have made me even more hyper-aware of all the blessings I get, whether or not they are good. Even the bad things have a silver lining that show God's love for us.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this all with you. I also want to thank all of you who have consistently prayed for me; for my health, for my school situation, etc. I couldn't have gotten to where I am without y'all. :)

That's it for now. I have a couple of things to do -- including planing a wedding before next Friday. Yep. Last minute plans though this has been a wedding in the making for several years now. A bit of a headache but it's a fun one and I get to look at beautiful churches in England soon. ;)

I hope y'all had a wonderful weekend and have a fantastic week this week.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #21: Big News Edition

1) If you haven't already heard via the blog's FB page or my Twitter account, here is my big news: I was formally accepted into Utah State University's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. That's a mouthful. lol. I received an email yesterday (almost as soon as I woke up) congratulating me. It was extra special (for me) to have received the news yesterday, too. As I tweeted,

Well, got a rose from St. Therese (about school) on her feast day and was accepted on St. Teresa of Avila's feast day. Well played. lol.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) October 15, 2013

If you've been a reader since the blog's first year (some of you have stuck around these past - almost - 6 years), you know that I have a special devotion to St. Teresa of Avila ever since I had that dream about her. I'm a big fan of the Discalced Carmelites as well so yesterday was the perfect day for the news. I have a feeling I'm going to have her and St. Therese (and the Immaculate Heart of Mary) on my mind throughout the entire program since I did novenas to all three of them (though not all for school) during the entire application to decision process.

2) If you're wondering if this means I'm giving up on my Theology M.A. or on writing about Catholicism because I'll be focusing on Speech-Language Pathology, the answers is a big NO. As I posted a couple of weeks ago (after my big post on my fears about doing a "secular" job), I feel like this is where God wants me now. I really need to strengthen my knowledge of theology before I can hope to either teach it or do something with it. The plan is that I will do Speech-Language Pathology first and then do Theology due to familial and financial responsibilities that I have. Of course, now my journey will include me trying to incorporate what I learn as a speech therapist into my faith (and vice versa) so there will always be new material to cover in the blog. It will be a challenge as I was told how intense SLP programs can be but nothing worth having or doing is easy (even trying to lead a holy life is hard with all the temptations to sin) so it'll be good for me to try to find a good balance between school/career and faith. God and my faith are the most important things in my life (though, obviously, God trumps all) so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

3) I don't start my classes until next May (first time in years I'll have classes on my birthday) so I will have time to focus on my CINO college project. And, actually, after the response about submitting stories from elementary school through high school, I decided to open it up to submissions at any and all grade levels as long as they took place at CINO schools. We really need to do something about this horrible epidemic... and it is an epidemic at this point. I've seen well education young women get their orthodox beliefs warped by liberation theology and I can only guess that there must be schools that start their students with some terribly unorthodox beliefs/theology as well. So, please, submit any and all stories you have so we can make a stronger case against funding and/or sending students to these so-called "Catholic" schools. There are so many good school that are faithful yet struggle to remain open. It's really a pity and I really want to help as much as I can. The first posts regarding this will start next week.

I'm seriously behind on reading so I'm going to go do that. I've just started feeling better from the stress so I'm going to try to continue trying to relax until the knots in my shoulders are gone. :) 

Oh! There is a chance of potentially having good news tomorrow morning (that involves finally being able to receive the Eucharist for the first time since early June) so please say a little prayer for me if you can.

That's it for now. :D I hope y'all have been having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D