Was Going to Mass Worth Getting Sick?

After I blogged about missing Mass last weekend, I emailed one of our favorite local priests about what I could do regarding my terrible no-Mass streak. His advice was simple: keep trying. Try to make it to a Sunday Mass and keep aiming for every Mass time until I can get to one. If I can't go on a Sunday, try to go on a Monday... on a Tuesday... on a Wednesday (and so on) until I get myself to Mass. On Monday, I took his advice... with a little twist: I decided to watch the daily Mass on EWTN until I could physically attend Mass.

I set up my iPod touch alarm at 3:50 p.m. (PT) for a repeat of the daily Mass since it's on live at 5 a.m. when I'm usually either asleep or about to fall asleep again (if I drive Mom to work). Every day (except for Friday), I turned it on. I only made it through Wednesday before distractions popped up during that time. I watched part of Thursday and none on Friday. No, I didn't watch it on Friday but I made it to an actual Mass that day which was much better!

Can you hear the angels singing? Yes, I finally went to Mass! Not only was it a Latin Mass (which is our family's preference) but it was celebrated by one of my favorite priests and I got to share that time with friends who inspire me to be more faithful. Our young adult group had planned on meeting up after Mass and an hour of Adoration and Benediction. I absolutely loved it, despite the 40-something degree temperature (more on this a bit later). There wasn't confession beforehand and we spent a good 45 minutes or so just trying to get to the church (when it should be half that long) but it was heavenly. I felt that wonderful inner peace I get when I attend Latin Masses. Even though I wasn't able to receive the Eucharist (I have to let them know that I'm going to need the low-gluten hosts and, of course, go to confession first), my heart was full of love and peaceful contentment.

The hour of adoration was new for me. I've never done more than 30 minutes of adoration and the last couple of times were hard for me because I get so distracted and the time seemed to go slowly. Not on Friday. The time went by way too fast for me. I prayed the Rosary, the chaplet of Divine Mercy, the evening prayers of the Little Office, the chaplet of St. Michael Archangel, and then had a couple of minutes of silent reflection. I wish I had gotten more time in silence but it was still a wonderful time for me... and it inspired me to do it more often.

After adoration and benediction, the group met up and we spent about an hour or so just chatting amongst ourselves and with our spiritual adviser. I was very glad that I had gone since I have been on the fence about going for a good 36 hours. Why was I on the fence? I was worried about getting sick due to the cold weather and my lack of warm clothing. Guess what ended up happening...

The last group meeting I had attended (in mid-January; we meet twice a month), it had been about as cold or colder than Friday. I had been fine since I had worn a longer skirt and ugly faux-Ugg boots to stay warm. This time I wore a knee-length dress with heels (I couldn't find boots in time). I thought I would be fine since I still wore fleece-line tights which are designed to keep you warm. I probably would have been okay if we hadn't been standing outside in 40-something degree weather for about half an hour (total). Long story short: circumstances beyond our control kept us outside longer than we anticipated. I felt it in my throat when I got home and then I really felt it the next morning when I got up at 4 a.m. Ruh-oh.

I ended up having to cancel today's trip to the dentist (I was supposed to go down to Baja California, Mexico for that). I hope to try again next weekend (and pray that my broken molar doesn't get infected between now and then since it's now been a month since it chipped). Since it's been raining, on and off, this about 2 a.m. and I've had a sore throat (and now a slight cough at times) and my mom is still recovering from her own cold, we decided it was more prudent to wait so we wouldn't get more sick.

Was my getting sick (after I had been warned not to get sick since my white blood count - amongst other things - was so low at the last draw) worth attending Mass? Was the delay of getting my broken molar fixed worth it? I think so! I haven't gotten sick (neither cold nor flu) in about 2-3 years and this cold (chill?) seems to be very mild compared to previous viruses. For that I'm thankful. Now, I'm not advocating risking your health to attend Mass -- especially since Mom and I aren't going to Mass today because we're still nursing our colds (I'm pretty sure I'm currently contagious, too) and it's really cold outside -- but going to Mass did three wonderful things.

First: it made me face my fears. I was scared that I would get sick (which ended up happening anyway, lol) if I attended because I knew it was cold. Still, I trusted that God would take care of me and that He would give me the strength to endure if it I did get sick.

Second: it helped me remember that I need to work on trusting Him. I had been doing well in this department but, somewhere post-Advent and Christmastide I had lost my way again. I've gotten sick but I'm doing okay. Trust. Now I'm going to trust that He will help me not get an infection between now and next weekend... or that He will help guide me to dental help that doesn't cost an arm and a leg around here before then.

Third: it helped me remember how much I love Mass and how I would rather face my fears than not attend Mass again. I don't like missing Mass. I don't like the restlessness that comes with my putting distance between God and myself, which I always feel like I do when I don't make it to Mass. My fears are not worth being away from Him.

I will continue to watch the daily Mass on EWTN when I cannot make it to daily Mass at the local parish or to our new (and temporary until the FSSP priests can get their own) parish. I will continue to push myself and even try to find ways to get cheap rides (can't afford to pay taxi cabs on my limited budget) to Mass in case I can't physically drive. Even if I'm lightheaded, I can usually be okay as long as I can sit. I'm sure God will understand if I sit when I should be kneeling as long as I'm there. Following the advice of one of our FSSP priests, I also plan on purchasing low-gluten hosts to take with me to Mass whenever I can attend... and talk to the priests at the local parish about how we can work this out for daily Mass.

I will also be more kind to myself when I can't physically attend. I'm actually not beating myself up right now because I know that going to Mass today is probably not a good idea, for several reasons that include being contagious, it raining on and off, and knowing that my immune system was considered fragile at last blood draw. I will catch the 9 p.m. encore of the daily Mass on EWTN since I slept until 11:30 a.m. this morning.

Anyway, these are all my (long and detailed; sorry!) thoughts for the day. I'm going to try to eat something and try to hydrate myself while I wait for the daily Mass to begin on EWTN. I'll be praying for everyone who is going out to Mass in inclement weather.

OH! And don't forget to enter for your chance to win a Magnificat Lenten Companion app! It ends on Tuesday at midnight, Eastern time. 29 hours from when I'm writing this... go! ;)

I hope you all have a blessed weekend. I hope to write before Ash Wednesday because I'm going to give up two big things and I'm going to need quite a few people to keep me accountable, especially those who follow me on several social media platforms.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Big Decisions? More Prayer.

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the lack of updates but with the start of classes and a week-long virus (I spent almost all of last week in bed), I really didn't do much. Thankfully, I was able to complete all the work for the first week on the first day of classes last Monday so I wasn't stressed out and was able to sleep and rest as much as I needed. I'm still recovering from too much sleep (yes, there's such a thing) but am back to business.

My prayer life is almost where it was prior to the confusion and the spiritual dryness I had a couple of weeks ago. Concentration was shot because of the virus and now because I have too many thoughts racing around in my head (more on this in a bit) but I'm still soldiering on. I've missed Mass the last two weekends because I spent all day in bed, too sick to stand let alone drive (and I'm the only one who drives in this house), so I have a legitimate excuses for not attending. I still missed it though. I look forward to going to confession and Mass this week... during the week. Have I mentioned that I've missed going to Mass? 'Cause I have. A lot. I can haz Eucharist soon?

I've been a little preoccupied with school lately. Not so much the coursework (which is, basically, a repetition of what I did two years ago since all four classes are the same classes I had to withdraw from in Fall 2014). My current dilemma is figuring out whether grad school is an option that I need to pursue next month. Long story short, there's encouragement to continue straight onto grad school and become a fully licensed SLP after I complete this degree. It would mean 2-3 more years of intense coursework but it would also mean a lot more flexibility and options in the long run. However, grad school admittance rates are extraordinarily low for those who apply to the programs the first time so I don't know what to do. I literally cannot afford to apply to grad school and take the GRE AND do my SLPA license hours in case I don't get accepted to a grad program. Even if I decide to do my SLPA hours and forego grad school, I have to wait a year to do them since the waitlists at the two local accredited universities that offer them are currently at capacity for the next two semesters. I have a lot to think and pray about in the next couple of weeks; October is when grad school applications for Fall 2017 open and I need to figure out if I'm going to take that risk of applying and potentially not getting accepted.

At this point, I'm not going to stress over any big decisions even though it's my "default setting" to get problems worked out ASAP. I'm going to have to have a lot of patience, a lot of trust, and park myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as I can in the next couple of weeks because I've resigned myself to doing what I think I should be doing. As we've seen in recent years, I don't rely enough on prayer and on God to help make these big decisions and I'm tired of wasting time and money and not getting anywhere. I think I've done the minimum when it comes to praying about big decisions and I want to change that. My way of doing things has not worked so I'm taking a new approach to things -- more prayer and a lot less over-analyzing things. I know I live too much in my mind and I confuse myself in the process. I also don't want to be impulsive. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I'll get there... I just have to work on patience along the way.

Anyway, that's really all that's been going on with me. Like I said, because I was sick all of last week (and I do mean the entire week) I mostly slept and tried to rest which is very hard for me to do at times because I don't like "wasting time" when I can be doing something. Who knows, maybe I needed to get sick as a reminder of what happens when I don't take time to take care of myself. It truly was a good reminder that I shouldn't just focus on coursework because without my health, I can't do anything.

I'm feeling a little lightheaded and blah today because I couldn't sleep well last night (depression symptoms are slowly waning) but I'm going to try at get some work done for my classes, even if it just means printing out the materials I need to study for my first exams in a couple of weeks. Gotta do something. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. If I can pray about anything for y'all, please let me know. ;)

As always, thanks for reading (and praying for me)!

God bless,

 

I'm Sick; Hi! Nice to Meet You!

I am currently sitting in bed, eating homemade chicken soup, trying to rest because I caught my mom's bug. Fun! I'm pretty sure it's a cold which I prefer over the flu. That, by the by, is why I did not post anything yesterday. I was able to finish cleaning the house and doing everything that needed to be done so I could rest this weekend. I have armed myself with books, movies, Spotify playlists, and Hulu so that I won't get bored. 

One of my best friends is currently reading the first half of my novel (we're in full-on beta reader mode) so I am waiting to get feedback before I continue editing that. To be quite honest, I just want to rest and do nothing after months of reading and writing. I'm sure it'll last a day or two before I do something productive again as I hate to waste time. :)

While doing my daily 'net rounds (checking everything I need to check; i.e. emails, Facebook, twitter, etc.) I noticed that one of my favorite YouTubers, Mr. Charlieissocoollike himself, uploaded a video in which he has, once again, said something that made me think: "Why haven't I posted a blog about this?!" Having already met a number of you lovely readers offline, whether it was planned or not, I decided to give everyone else a heads up in case we ever meet.

I've mentioned on more than one occasion that I'm quite shy in person but I don't think some of you realize just how much. I clam up. I'm friendly but I'm not much of a talker... at first. I'm definitely an introvert though you may not think it because I'm so active online. That's because most of us who are introverts and shy in person are the biggest "talkers" online.

This blog has actually helped me meet a lot of great people. There have been a couple of times that people have stumbled onto this blog, figured out who I am, and have come up and said "hello." I've had it happen before, right before Mass, which is pretty cool. It's always interesting and a bit shocking because I still feel like it's just me writing and my friends reading to keep tabs on me, especially those who've moved away. I'm a massive goofball as soon as I've known you long enough to feel comfortable but I'm a wreck at first. lol. 

If I am not too talkative at first, don't think it's me being rude or conceited. It's basically me thinking "please, don't say something embarrassing" to myself. lol. If I'm not comfortable with a topic or I don't feel prepared enough to speak on it, I will say little to nothing while the conversation is on said topic. I will smile and agree if I do but that's it. Again, I may stutter or mumble but I'm getting better at not doing that. Let's see... what else? I'm very smiley so if you don't like that, I'm sorry. lol. Like I've said, after I get very comfortable with someone, the nerd/goofball flag flies proudly... just ask the talented Miss Danica whom I first met online years ago and is now one of my best friends / partners in crime.  

I look forward to meeting more of you in person, hopefully at events like the Catholic New Media Conference. I won't be attending this year because money is tight and, since I'm currently unemployed, I have to save the little money I do have because I don't know how for how long I will be unemployed and I do help with bills and groceries. Next year, though, I hope to be there and meeting y'all. :D

Anyway, I'm going to rest and try to eat while I wait for the UEFA Champions League final to start. Yes, I'm still a massive football (soccer) fan... and you will see some of that soon. ;) And, yes, that is a hint.

I hope you all have a great weekend! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Update from Sickland; Let Us Pray for You

Two weeks without a single post. Sorry! If you're following me on twitter (@nerdwriter) then you know that I had a nasty throat infection and spent over 10 days in bed before I got the antibiotics I needed to get better. I'm finally feeling well enough to get back in the swing of things so expect posts to restart. I won't go into the details (yet) about what's going on because it's a lot but I will say that I've been tested in ways I wasn't expecting. :)

I just wanted to update y'all because I still get messages asking how I am doing. I'm MUCH better, thank you. :D Also, I want to let y'all know that Angelica and I are starting the 54 Day Rosary Novena tomorrow so if you'd like to join us or have us pray for a specific intention for you, please let us know a.s.a.p. Angelica specifically chose tomorrow, the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, to start the novena. (And, btw, happy feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus today. :D)

Alright, that will be it for now. I drove around for hours in nearly 100 degree weather and I'm exhausted. Well, that and the fact that I had anxiety last night and didn't fall asleep until after I prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy at nearly 2 a.m. hasn't helped the exhaustion. :D I want to sleep soon. :)

Again, please let Angelica (@aquinonez on twitter) or I know if you want to join/have intentions for us to pray. Let us pray for you... we'd like to help in any way we can. :D

I hope y'all have a great start of weekend!

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Nearly Fainting During Confession

At the request of Dan (ha! didn't think I'd mention it, did you?), I'm writing about the the most bizarre/tense/scary confession experience I've had in 16-17 years (basically since I first confessed at 8, nearly 9, years old). I'm still feeling a little weird but I'm rational and I've processed it enough to write about it.

I should start by saying that this is the first time I've made the 2 mile walk to and from my home parish by myself. My mother, who is my confession buddy, has been feeling sick since we both got food poisoning last night so I decided to go by myself. I just feel a strong urge to receive the Eucharist tomorrow (probably because I've been deeply moved by the Papal visit to the UK) and I admittedly lost my temper earlier this week when I was left behind at school so I was in need of a good confession. Since I felt better from the food poisoning and felt fine (fit as a fiddle) I decided to make the walk by myself. The walk itself wasn't too bad. I walked a little faster than usual since I do not live in the safest neighborhood but I got my parish feeling okay. I was breathing like I normally do when I exercise and, with the nearly 90 degree weather, I wasn't feeling like a fresh daisy but I was fine. I was able to take my time to do an examination of my conscience before confession since I was the only person in line for the English speakers. Basically, I was fine. I got inside the confessional, greeted the priest, and began my confession. Of course I cannot tell you what I confessed because it was between myself, Fr. Peter, and God but I will say that I was still feeling fine at that point. Once Fr. Peter started talking, everything took an interesting turn.

Now, I've had interesting experiences waiting in line to confess or kneeling in front of the Blessed Sacrament while praying. Today was the first time I felt that bad during confession. When Fr. Peter began talking to be, after I had confessed, everything was fine. I asked the Lord to please help me understand Fr. Peter since he was a slight accent and I occasionally don't understand a couple of things. All was fine for a minute or two. Suddenly, a slight feeling of faintness come up. It wasn't too bad so I kept trying to focus on what Fr. Peter was saying. As soon as he started asking a question, I felt like I was going to pass out there and then. I answered Fr. Peter's question as well as I could and fell back to sort of sit on my feet while still kneeling. It went away, I felt a little better, and I propped myself back up on the padded kneeler. I only lasted a couple of seconds until I felt worse again. I once again fell back on my feet, shifting my weight off of my knees. Fr. Peter continued speaking about Christ and decisions I had to make when I felt like that was it -- I was going to black out and pass out in the confessional. I felt all this pressure in my head, I started seeing black, I could no longer hear what Fr. Peter was saying... it started scaring me. My heart pounded and I struggled to keep focus as my thoughts raced a mile a minute. I tried my hardest to keep paying as much attention as possible but everything started to become a big blur. Once again, I sat on my feet until the moment passed. Fr. Peter asked me an important question about what would happen when I was in front of Jesus Christ on Judgment Day, and as soon I answered it, with resolution because I do love God more than anything, I felt like I was going to pass out again. I mentally offered up what was happening to me for the souls in purgatory. I propped up myself one final time and tried to focus on what Fr. Peter said. I was about to faint again when Fr. Peter gave me my penance (which I barely registered, I was feeling so bad) and absolved me from my sins. I thanked him, wished him a good weekend and left.

The entire time I was in the confessional I had inner struggles. I had this moment where I felt like a voice inside of me was going "get out! get out! just leave!" but I refused to. I had a lot of questions racing through my mind. Should I walk from behind the curtain and sit in front of him for the remainder of my time in there or should I just tough it out? Should I mention I felt faint or should I just suffer in silence? Should I asked a fellow parishioner to please let me use their phone, as I had forgotten my cell phone back at home, to let my mom know that I wasn't feeling well? In the end I decided to keep quiet, trust that I was in God's hands, and follow through with my penance. I paid as much attention to Fr. Peter as I could in that situation and did what was asked of me. As soon as I sat down in the pew in the back of the Church I felt a bit better. Before I left, and made the walk back home, I briefly knelt in front of the tabernacle and asked God to please help me make it back home without any more problems and said a quick prayer. I got home okay even though I was a little scared about taking the shady shortcuts where there aren't a lot of people. I just felt like my stomach had a lot of acid in it and now (2 hours after everything happened) I just have this crummy headache. Otherwise, I'm solid.

I've felt a little dizzy or faint while kneeling in Mass before but those were usually anxiety symptoms or because I'd fasted (I've learned I cannot fast). I didn't have anxiety, I'd eaten and had been hydrating myself (even while walking) so I don't see an obvious medical explanation for what happened. I haven't felt dizzy while kneeling in over a year, too. The last time I remember feeling remotely ill while kneeling was when my dad was still alive and had taken me to Mass. As soon as I told my mom what had happened she said "It was the horned one. He does not want to have you there." (side note: I have been having bad experiences since I started the 54 day Rosary novena (day 8 today) but it's lessening as the days go by. I refuse to stop the novena.) Whether she is right or not, God only knows. I will say that I saw it as a learning experience and a way of showing that I really do trust God and that I've honestly put my life in His hands. It's so easy to say that you will do His will but it's much easier to ask Him to take away the obstacles you can't handle.

Intense, bizarre, and a little scary... but I do not regret going to confession. As I told Fr. Peter before I began my confession, I have a desire to confess my sins so that I may receive the Eucharist tomorrow. Not only that, you never know when you're going to be called to Heaven and I want to spend the rest of eternity with God so frequent confession is a must.

So, there you have it, Dan. lol. Seriously though, I'm interested in finding out if anyone else has had a similar experience or if I'm the only one that has weird experiences like this.

Alright, well, I want to get some sleep so I can watch the Beatification of Cardinal Cardinal John Henry Newman which is airing live at 1:30 a.m. PST. :)

I hope y'all are having and/or will have a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Back to School: Week from Heck

Yes, that's me and, yes, that was the reaction I had to everything I endured past week. (Side note: so no one wigs out, that is my claddagh ring. I'm a Hibernophile and am also part Irish so I can get away with it. ;D) To say that this was the hardest week I've ever had in my academic career would not be an exaggeration. I had to make some of the hardest decisions I've had to make and all I will do is pray to God that I've made the right ones.

Believe it or not, I spent every day of my first week back to school (and first week at a new school) crying. Despite trying to remain optimistic and having the support of both my family and friends, I came very close to dropping out of this school and applying for enrollment at another. If you're following me on Twitter or are a friend on Facebook, you probably read my tweets and status updates in which I expressed my indecision and unhappiness. If you read my last blog post you got just a small glimpse into what was going on in my mind as well. Actually, right after I posted that blog (which I wrote on campus, in the library) I attempted to take a much needed nap but it didn't end up happening. At the end of the day, the combination of my anxiety of being the odd girl out as well as the lack of sleep ended in the worst panic attack I've had since the day my father died.

I had to leave the classroom (I was in math class) and I nearly fainted in the hallway. I had to sit down and I cried my eyes out (and a special "thank you" to the 3 people who stopped and offered me water or tissues while I endure the panic attack) while I tried to control my breathing. I felt too weak to stand up, my hands and feet began tingling and I was extremely lightheaded. I've never had a panic attack that bad at school and never in public. Once I controlled my breathing, I walked into math class but was so lightheaded that I nearly fainted again. I had to catch myself on the piano stool in the classroom (math class is offered in a music room) before making it to my seat. I had to endure the whispers and stares from my classmates and that nearly set off another round of panic but I was able to focus on drinking water and writing down whatever was on the board. Have I ever mentioned how easily embarrassed I get and how uncomfortable I get when the spotlight is on me? This is why I hate getting anxiety in public and why I avoid public speaking at all costs. Anyway, after that experience, I was ready to call it quits.

So what exactly triggered the panic attack? As I said, I believe it was a combination of the lack of sleep, the general anxiety I had (and have) about my classes, the uncomfortable feeling I've felt since day one, and a slew of other things. I just don't feel like I fit in... and I probably don't. As I mentioned in the previous post, if there are "traditional" Catholics on campus they're all hiding. It's almost a crime to be this way... or at least it's the way it feels. While I have no personal problems with any of my professors (they've all been lovely and helpful in terms of my anxiety and working with me because of it), I don't agree with what they teach. One of my professors asked us to erase the thought of Hell out of our minds because it didn't exist... and this was in a Religion class. Of course Hell exists, as does purgatory and Heaven. A lot of things that are being taught, well, I am just not comfortable listening to but I sit there and don't say anything because I've already been warned not to p.o. my professors unless I want to fail. They have a school policy, which I recently learned, which states that we are able to speak our minds regarding religion and that we can't be punished for our beliefs. Regardless, things said about "traditional" Catholics are extremely passive-aggressive. Every time I had a break, I'd go into the chapel and the St. Therese alcove and I'd pray for the strength to make it through my classes because I just didn't feel great in them. Every time I would come out I just dreaded going back to class a little more.

After going through all of these things the first three days of school, plus the elitist snobbery permeating from a great deal of classmates, I was ready to call it a day. Why subject myself to all of that? Why endure two more years of this treatment? Deadline to withdraw without penalties (fees) was Friday so I had hard decisions to make. The anxiety got worse and Wednesday night into Thursday morning was a nightmare. I ended up missing all my classes on Thursday because I was so exhausted from a day of back-to-back panic attacks (they can be both emotionally and physically draining) and I ended up sleeping (recuperating) most of the day. By the time I woke up, I'd missed the entire day. Thursday evening and night I got words of support and encouragement from my mother and friends. The majority supported whatever decision I ended up making while some tried to get me to either leave or stay because it was what they wanted for me. While I appreciated it, I am not a fan of being told (especially when it sounds like I'm being forced) what to do when it comes to my personal life and decisions. It was something both Joe of Verbum Veritatis and Andrew of Per Fidem said that really made look at the situation differently: endure the classes as penance and offer it up. While I usually do this (offering things up for souls in purgatory), I hadn't really thought about doing it for school. I actually spent the rest of my Thursday night going back and forth with Andrew on the whole issue of staying versus going until I had a moment of clarity that really helped me make my decision.

In the end I decided to stay. As someone close to me told me on Thursday night "You are not a quitter." It's true. I don't like giving up and I like proving people wrong when they underestimate me. While I am still really uncomfortable with what will be said about "traditional" Catholics and even though I will want to cry every time they butcher Catholicism and the Church, I will have remind myself that all of this will help me learn what "progressive" Catholics and Christians argue so that my counterargument will be stronger. I am still unsure about whether or not I will sit there and fight all the time or if I'm just going to do it when I am asked (in essays and whatnot when I am directly asked). I have to learn how to pick my battles because I know that no matter what you present, and no matter how sound that argument may be, there are some people who will keep attacking just because they don't agree with you.

By the way, I'll also admit that part of the reason why I decided to stay was because of the tuition. If I stay at this school I'll graduate debt free since I am not asking for any loans. I'm a practical, frugal woman. Taking into consideration that my mother's paycheck is the only one regularly coming in and not knowing what the future holds or how the economy will be in two years, I felt it would be best not to overburden myself with any loans. I still have grad school to go through as well and I have to think about that.

To not make this entry even longer I will say that I dealt with all of this while fighting an upper respiratory infection (and taking antibiotics all 5 days of the week) and then getting cold. I was, and still am, physically drained so much so that I ended up missing Mass today. As I joked Thursday night, I better get some time off in purgatory for all of this. ;)

Alright, well, I have procrastinated long enough. I must get to my math homework which is due tomorrow. While I still feel anxious (which might explain the horrible weakness and fatigue I currently feel; I've been stuck in bed for hours), I've made a personal vow to really give it my all and go down swinging if it comes to that. We'll see how tomorrow and the rest of the week fares.

I hope those of you who returned to school this past week are having a better time than I am. To those who start this coming week: all the best of luck to y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Back to School While Sick; Student Patron Saints

Yup, these are some (about half) of the books I will need this semester. Yes, one semester and I still have to get the other portion. Repeat after me "Oy..."

It's that time of year again. The sun is blazing hot in Southern California. The sales are in full swing. Emmy's panic attacks have returned after months of being dormant and intercessions are asked of St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Joseph of Cupertino. Yes, it's time to tear out my hair... er... head back to school. This year will be different as I will be transferring to a new college. To add to the fun: I have sinusitis, an infection/virus, I'm fatigued, my temp is going up, and my throat just begun to really hurt/become scratchy. There are more physical symptoms (i.e. headaches) that I failed to mention but, basically, I am falling apart only days before classes begin. FUN! /sarcasm. lol.

Normally I'm excited for classes to begin in the Fall... and I was until I started feeling miserable. Lack of updates for the past two weeks? You can thank the virus I have for that. I thought I was getting the flu but it's too early to have the flu. Then I thought I had the airborne cold virus that many of my friends, as well as my mom, have but nada. I went to the doctor yesterday to find out the official diagnosis and won't get my antibiotics and meds until Monday. Did I also mention my first class is at 8 in the morning but due to rush hour traffic on the freeway, I have to leave at 6:30 a.m.? Oh yeah, this is going to be awesome! lol.

Seriously, though, I hope to just rest as much as I can today and tomorrow. Water, teas with lemon and honey, and sleep will be friends until I feel better. I have to keep water coming in anyway because I found out I have low blood pressure and I need to keep my fluid intact coming at a steady rate so I don't get lightheaded or anything. Though I do feel like I'm falling apart, I keep reminding me that it'll pass and that God never gives us anything we can't handle.

Friday into Saturday night I had the absolute worse panic attack (and I haven't had any in months) I've had since months before my dad passed away. It was so bad that my mom nearly took me to the Emergency Room at 1 a.m. Since I knew it was anxiety and that it was probably a combination of the sinusitis, virus, indigestion from my dinner, and the panic attack that made me feel like I was going nutty, I just laid in bed and clutched the green scapular in my right hand. I have such faith in the scapular that it actually helps the anxiety go down significantly. A couple of prayers and crying jags later (yes, I cry out of frustration when the anxiety is absolutely horrible) and I fell fast asleep. I woke up feeling better, in terms of anxiety, and I'm giving credit to the green scapular (as well as my mom's prayers to Our Lady of Guadalupe and my earlier prayer to St. Dymphna) for this.

Anyway, the illness and optimism I am trying to retain (with a dash of sarcasm since I deal with unpleasantness with jokes and sarcasm) aside, I am glad I have everything ready for the start of the year. I have most of my books (except for one class that posted the books needed only two-three days ago) and things needed for the first weeks of the semester. I didn't get any clothing this year (as I normally do) because a) I am officially out of (frivolous) spending money and b) there was absolutely no good, modest clothing to be found anywhere I looked. I actually have a blog I started about this two Mondays ago that I need to finish and post regarding this little adventure.

For my fellow students I have to ask, are you all spiritually ready for the start of the year (if you have or have no already started)? Have you resolved to keep God first and foremost even if you're attending a public school/university? This is my first year in a Catholic school (and I'm finally a junior! About time!) but it's quite liberal from what I've heard so I have an uphill battle ahead of myself. Do you have a special student patron saint whose intercession you ask for when you feel stuck in a rut? If not, here's a list of patron saints of students (via SQPN):

- Albert the Great
- Ambrose of Milan
- Benedict
- Cassian of Imola
- Catherine of Alexandria
- Gabriel of the Sorrowful Mother
- Gemma Galgani
- Gregory the Great
- Isidore of Seville
- Jerome
- John Bosco
- Joseph Calasanz
- Joseph of Cupertino
- Lawrence of Rome
- Nicholas of Myra
- Osanna Andreasi
- Philomena
- Symphorian of Autun
- Thomas Aquinas
- Ursula

I'd also like to add Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati to that list. He died two exams short of receiving his degree so he is asked for intercession by those who have big academic problems or obstacles. I owe my not having to pay for tuition to him since I asked him to help me find a way to pay for college. As I've said before, I ended up receiving a massive scholarship (twice the amount I was first offered at this school) as well as some grants. I couldn't have afforded school otherwise so credit given where credit's due.

My other two "go-to" patron saints when it comes to school are St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Joseph of Cupertino. I have never been let down when I've been in a real bind. As I wrote in this entry nearly two years ago, through their intercession I was able to complete an intense midterm (and later final) while sick with a nasty cold. By the way, that link also has prayers to both saints. I'd recommend either writing them down or bookmarking the entry so you can have it during exams or whenever you need them. But, remember, if you don't study or put in the effort you can't expect them to help you out. Relying on prayers and intercession when you don't give your all generally won't work.

Before I end this blog, I want to pass along this link to a College Blog Roll that Lisa Hendy started in which you "adopt" a college student to pray for. That's a great idea, if you ask me! Who doesn't want to help out the incoming freshman and other students as they try to navigate their way through college. I've "adopted" a couple of students and hope that my prayers will help them somehow. :)

Anyway, to everyone going back: good luck!!! Just remember that a prayer and the sign of a cross as you get to campus is a good way to start the school year and it helps you remember what's truly important. :) For extra comfort, having a Rosary with you or the prayer card of your favorite saint is recommended. :) Best wishes to all and if I don't pass out from the 4 flights of stairs I have to go up and down four times tomorrow (because the elevator is extremely slow), I'll try to blog as soon as I can. :D

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

You Give Me Fever

Do I smell a conspiracy? We're days away from Holy Thursday and I, of course, have a low grade fever. It was at 99.7 last time I checked. This is my first fever since about late last year (I want to say October, if not as early as July-August) but still... argh! Ash Wednesday? Stuck in bed because of pain. Palm Sunday? Anxiety and general weakness that prevented me from walking to Mass. Are you kidding me? *sigh* I hope I, at least, make it to Easter Sunday's Mass. *hopes and prays* If I still have a fever by then, I am asking St. Benedict of Nursia for his intercession. After all, he's the patron saint against fevers. Hopefully he'll intercede for me so that I can at least go to Mass. Even if it's for that hour and a half (I am including walking time), I'll take it.

Anyway, no entry tonight. I will hopefully post last Sunday and Monday's posts when I feel well enough. In the meantime, you can ask me any question here. May keep me entertained if I get stuck in bed.

Hope everyone is having a good week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Update from Swamp Thing

I feel like a thing from the swamp - gross. I'm still sick but I have to try to concentrate because a lot of things are due tonight and I've missed days of studying due to my being sick. This means, yes, I am once again behind on my work. At this rate, I'll catch up on my Spring Break -- with only a day or two to enjoy it. By the way, I even missed Mass today (that's how sick I've been) so I'm not a terribly happy camper at the moment. Ah, well... c'est la vie. Just keeping up with my goal to write an entry every day.

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. :D I hope to post something good soon. Fingers crossed. :D

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless.

In Pain; No Proper Post Today

Pain. So much pain. Not even two Tylenol tablets helped. Headache, backache, stomachache, and fatigue have won. I'll have a proper post when I am feeling better. Sorry guys.

Hope everyone is well!

Posting Break

Until I feel better, I will be taking a break from posting. The tetanus vaccine side effects have kicked in (23 hours after I got it) and all I want to do is sleep so I don't feel the pain. It feels like I have the flu but I'd been warned it was a possible side effect to the shot. I just hope it doesn't get worse or last too long -- especially since I have quizzes and assignments due tomorrow.

Anyway, I'll check in when I can. hope everyone has a great weekend.

- Enmy Cecilia

Beginning Lent Sick; Just Call Me Catherine Morland.

Photo: Felicity Jones as Catherine Morland in ITV's version of Northanger Abbey (which I will talk about.)

I hope everyone has had a good start to Lent. As I wrote yesterday, I spent most of the day yesterday sleeping. I just couldn't stay awake. I was only up for about 6 hours yesterday night/early this morning before I slept another 8 hours. I also took another hour and a half nap today. I've never ever been this fatigued before. I've also been experiencing other things (like random chest pains) that I've never had before. It's kind of scary but I usually tell myself it's probably anxiety related since it's been getting worse lately. I don't know what's going on with me, but I am very happy that I have a doctor's appointment next week. I am worried about one thing -- that the benign lymph node I have has grown or gotten worse and that it's messing up my thyroid.

When I was in the emergency room last month, the doctor said she felt it was a bit big and that I should get it checked out. I wasn't supposed to get it checked again until May-June but I am going to ask my doctor to check just to make sure it's nothing. For all I know, not knowing whether it's my thyroid or if it's still part of the mourning process which I am still going through.

Believe it or not, I am still coping with my father's death. I'm just starting to come out of this really horrible depression that hit me for a couple of weeks. I no longer wanted to do anything, I lost interest in a lot of things I loved, and I would cry way too easily. I've always been pretty sensitive but the amount of crying I was doing was getting ridiculous. My mom went through the same, but a few weeks before I did. 7 months after dad's death, we're still dealing with it and I know we will continue to deal with it for a while longer. That's what I'm hoping is the cause for my anxiety because I don't have any other explanation at the moment. Of course my anxiety could be a number of things that might subconsciously scare me. Recently I've been feeling like I'm finally growing up (in a way)... and that might be freaking me out, even though I don't think it is.

I will be the first to acknowledge that I have grown up very protected from the world (a bit sheltered, if you will). If there were any problems within the family, I didn't find out about them until it was way over. If there were any financial problems, I never knew about them. My parents never cursed in front of me, nor did they argue in front of me. I didn't really know about problems in the outside world until I went out and experienced them (or heard about them) myself. Perhaps that's why friends say I am an "eternal optimist", because I still believe that everything will eventually work out for the best.

Recently someone close to me commented about how "innocent" I still was, despite being nearly 25 years old. I didn't notice how that seems to be the general consensus amongst those closest to me until I became very aware of why they thought this. See, I've been going to the movies a lot lately (which I love doing when I have the time and resources). During some sex scenes (or scenes where the couple is getting intimate but they don't actually show anything), I turn away from the screen and occupy myself with my cell phone or something until it's over. I've had this habit since I was a child and it's continued as an adult. My guy friends have a field day when I do this. I get teased mercilessly, which is why I think they secret enjoy going to the movies with me. lol. In fact, if there's kissing in a scene, they will put their hands over my eyes... which I will slap away if it's not a big deal. The best explanation I can offer to this is that, despite the fact that I know it's acting, I feel intrusive on a couple's intimate moment... and if that intimate moment is graphic, adulterous, and/or lustful I just refuse to watch it because it offends me. Apparently, by doing this, I am showing how innocent I am. I mean, there are other obvious reasons why they call me what they do (a little petunia) but I don't know. I didn't think this was a bad thing.

I mean, I can see how a little innocence at my age can be a bad thing. If any of you have read Jane Austen's novel Northanger Abbey and/or know about the heroine in the book, Catherine Morland, than you pretty much know what my problem is. (And, side note, this is the reason why I've been so into this novel lately... Henry Tilney being the other reason. ;D) Unfortunately, as I've said in previous posts, that innocence (or naiveté) has made me a very easy target for people. I've become more aware of it lately. As I've written before, I get why people say I'm too nice. I don't speak up sometimes because I hate drama... or I go along with something to avoid conflict. I've been trying to be more assertive lately... and it's hard. It's a lot harder than I thought it was. I'm always very worried that I will hurt someone's feelings if I say I don't want to do something, unless I know it's something stupid and something that would not be worth repeating to a priest in the confessional. Fr. Brian has told me to be more assertive and it's actually going to be my penance during Lent. (See how I tied that in? ;D) I am going to speak up more and not worry about the other person's reaction as much, especially if I feel good about speaking up. It's quite possibly the hardest thing I'm going to have to do because it goes against my people-pleaser nature and my "I probably deserved that" mentality.

In short, just call me Catherine Morland. I am about to reach the end of my real life version of the novel (sans my own Henry Tilney, le sigh; I will have to be patient with that one), which means I have to continue to grow. My new saying is coming from a Ben Kweller song called "Walk on Me" -- "If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't walk all over you, so please don't walk all over me." I might just have to quote that to people from now on because it's still saying it in a nice way but you get the message across more bluntly. This is going to be one interesting Lent.

Alright, I have to go work on my homework for the week since I've lost a couple of days -- I'm a little behind the second week into the semester. *palmface* I have many quizzes and discussion threads... and assignments... and essays... to work on. I will continue to try to post at least one little thing every day during Lent (like I did yesterday).

Oh, btw, a friend is letting me borrow a first edition copy of St. Therese of Lisieux's autobiography so that will be my first book during Lent. Yay! :D

Okay, enough stalling now. I am going to dive into the wonderful worlds of Art Appreciation, Creative Writing, Humanities and History (which will both focus on the beginning of civilizations). :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

St. Teresa of Avila's Help; Music Monday

I know this post is very belated (St. Teresa of Avila's feast day was a couple of days ago; on the 15th) but I've been stuck in bed for the past week. Actually, the last time I was well enough to sit down in front of the computer to blog (or, really, do anything online) was last Tuesday. But, no worries I am feeling better now. :) A Twitter friend actually called me a "victim soul" who, much like St. Faustina, gets sick often but offers it up for others. I don't think I'm worthy of calling myself a victim soul. While it's true that I do get sick (though I use that term for everything from anxiety/panic attacks to other kinds of pains and ills) quite often and I do offer them up either for someone else's health or for the souls in purgatory, I don't think I've suffered enough to even be considered one. Let's just say "Emmy gets sick a lot, but she doesn't mind." I truly don't view illnesses as a curse or anything negative. On the contrary, I view it as a blessing from God. I've found that I feel closer to Him whenever I feel sick, which helps when I'm feeling like a massive crumb cake. St. Teresa of Avila actually helped me start looking at things this way.

Without repeating too much from a previous post I've written about St. Teresa of Avila... a couple of years ago, when I was returning to my faith, I had a dream about St. Teresa of Avila. I saw her picture in my dream and I kept repeating her name... even as I was waking up. I actually didn't know who she was, let alone her name, so when I got online that morning, I immediately googled her name. The more I learned about her, the more I felt a connection to her. We have several things in common -- everything from our heritage (she was a Spaniard, I'm of Spanish descent) to how we view certain things (such as gossip; my intense dislike for it mirrors hers) -- that sometimes I feel like she personally picked me to really delve into her life and her ways. I actually haven't been able to get through her autobiography yet but I hope to soon. What I have read has stayed with me for more reasons than one. As I said, she's really helped me embrace my illnesses and see them not as suffering, but as something that will bring me closer to God AND that will only strengthen my faith. Lately I haven't really done much in terms of praying or devoting my time to learning more about Catholicism because of my crazy schedule... and it took my illnesses and temper to remind me of how I need to get back to that.

Much like St. Teresa of Avila, I have a strong temper. It takes a lot to get to me that point where I'm terribly feisty, but I definitely have the ability to go there. A couple of days ago it got bad enough that I started limiting contact with those around me so I wouldn't get upset with them over trivial things. I know what triggered that temper flare (and I'm surprised it didn't get worse because the situation was really bad) but as soon as I remembered St. Teresa of Avila, I found ways to bring it down. I reminded myself that while she also had a temper, she knew how to use it in a manner that would turn the situation into something positive. Just the thought of that completely changed my perspective on things and I was able to turn the bad situation into something good (with help from God, of course). I still have to deal with the unpleasant situation but it's getting easier now that I've started using my new "weapons" against a bad temper. :) (P.S. If you ever find yourself with a bad temper and can't find a way to calm down, either ask St. Teresa of Avila or St. Jerome, who also had a notoriously bad temper, to intercede for you.) And what it's also done is remind me of when I first began returning to the Church and how much I loved doing it.

I've also realized that while I have been really busy lately, I've also been wasting my time on a lot of things that don't really matter. Do I need to get on SuperPokePets and play? No. Do I need to waste my time on games on Facebook? No. So I've cut off my twitter and Facebook for the week. Okay, I'm also doing it as a promise for an intercession Our Blessed Mother did for me. I have to reprioritize a lot of things -- especially my schoolwork which has taken the back seat to almost everything. That's fine, though, because I'll be able to focus on getting back to my personal studies of the Catholic faith which I haven't done in a while. See what I mean about having to reprioritize? lol. I have to brush up on a couple of things because we're heading into the Christianity section in my Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions course and I already know I'm going to have a doozy with a couple of "know-it-all" classmates. All I have to say about that is Bring. It. ON! lol.

I should make this post shorter than usual... but before I go, I wanted to share with you my Fall 2009 playlist as part of Music Monday. These are some of my favorite songs that are often on repeat during Fall and into late Winter. :D I hope y'all enjoy at least one of the songs. I know I have "old fashioned" tastes sometimes. :-P

Alright, well, I actually have to go study for a possible exam on Judaism on Wednesday (I don't know; I've missed two class sessions/lectures due to illness and I have no way of contacting either classmates or the professor). I'd rather be safe than sorry. :D I hope to post tomorrow but no promises. ;)Hope y'all had a great weekend!

As always, thank you for reading and God Bless.

Saying Goodbye To Dad.

This picture is of dad and I when I was about 4 years old. He was always there when I truly needed him the most.

I know, I haven't posted anything in 2 weeks. If you are following me on twitter, you know why it's taken me this long to post anything new... my father passed away almost two weeks ago, on July 11th. In an ironic twist, dad went downhill (and FAST!) the evening I wrote my last blog post. The words I wrote, "At this point, I just want him to stop suffering" are going to haunt me for a while. It all happened so fast, I don't think I really got a chance to process everything.

That evening, Thursday, July 9, we got a call from the convalescent hospital that his blood pressure had drop to 50 while he was doing his dialysis. It had gone up to 70-something by the end of the night, but it was still very worrisome. I fought with the nurses (with the help of my brother) to have him transported to the E.R. and do whatever they could for him. They were refusing to take him anywhere but we signed a paper saying that they HAD TO take him to the E.R. if he got critically sick so in the end they took him. They also had to find elsewhere to send him because his own doctor refused to see him and said that they should just let him die there. (I had a few choice words to say to the doctor, which I did not say but I thought... and have to go to confessions for.) Later that night, we were told his blood pressure had gone up to the 80s-90s, which made us worry less. We thought he'd be okay.

The next day, Friday, July 10th, I got a call around 10 a.m. that we had to go to the hospital immediately, that my father would not make it through the night. He was in the ICU. We had to go sign paperwork and get everything done quickly. Dad was still conscious and he was able to get a couple of things signed to make sure all loose ends were tied. We didn't tell him that he was dying; we just told him that it would be better to have things in order in case we needed to fix 'em while he was at the hospital. At that point, I still thought he was going to pull through. He was looking good and he was still up for joking around with me... though I did have to leave twice so he wouldn't see me cry. We were told to go home at 8 p.m. and I told them to contact us if anything happened.

The next morning, Saturday, July 11th, we were happy that they hadn't called us. We thought, "hey, maybe they are wrong again... like they were last month." At 8:34 a.m. I got on my cell phone... we had to go in THAT MINUTE because dad was in his final moments. Luckily we only live 10 minutes from the hospital AND my cousin had stayed overnight with us so we were able to get there right away. We got there and we could see that dad was in his final moments. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through in the 24 years I've been alive. He couldn't breathe (his breaths were VERY labored and forced). He could understand what we were saying but he couldn't speak... or even move. Mom lost it and dad began to get agitated by the sounds of her crying. I had to ask my mom to let me stay at his side because I am able to hold in my tears a bit more. I would go to the side he was facing (his eyes half opened) and I would say "Just relax daddy, it's okay. I am not going anywhere. They're going to have to drag me away, kicking and screaming, if they want me to move." That seemed to calm him down and he began to concentrate on his breathing. Mom would again come to his side and again would start to sob, upsetting dad. I would ask her to go to his other side until she calmed down a bit and she eventually did. I stayed in dad's room the entire hour and a half we were there. My niece, Adriana, was the only other person in the room when dad was giving his final breaths. As soon as I began to see that the charts were reading "zero" I had her rush to get my mom. who'd stepped out.

I was at dad's side when he passed away. At that point, I couldn't hold in the tears anymore and I sobbed as I said my final goodbyes. I asked him to forgive me if I ever did anything that upset him, and told him that I knew he would forgive me if he could say it. I told him not to worry about mom and I, that we were going to be there for each other. I promised I would finish school (at least a B.A.) and do all he wanted me to achieve. I promised to become a woman he would be proud of. I read him Psalm 23, his favorite. I asked St. Joseph to please help dad go as peacefully as he could. I asked St. Michael Archangel (dad's patron saint) to protect him in his final moments. Mom came in literally 5 seconds before dad passed away. He gave his final breath and then went to sleep. My prayers had been answered; he went, as peacefully as possible, at 10:15 a.m... on St. Benedict of Nursia's feast day (he's a patron saint of those who are dying). Both of my Rosaries also broke at that time... which means I have no Rosary at the moment; I have to use the virtual one on my iPod touch.

I won't lie and say that I didn't fall apart at that moment; I did. I nearly fainted. I had to be rushed to the seat and given water. The entire right side of my body went numb. I was dizzy and lightheaded and barely managed to ask for rubbing alcohol or smelling salts in case I did faint. I sobbed when I was able to control my panic/anxiety attack. We stayed at the hospital until 5 p.m. when they transferred him to the morgue. My brothers and sister, along with cousins and my uncle (the eldest of the family), arrived shortly before dad was taken. Hearing my brothers break down and cry was the third hardest thing I've ever experienced (first being dad's death, second being my mom falling apart in front of my eyes). I was the last person in the family to see dad before yesterday's funeral. (Side note: before I go on, let me mention that as soon as we got home from the hospital and I sat down, I smelled one of Beckham's colognes -- the last gift I ever gave dad -- coming down on me. I knew that it was my dad's way of letting me know he was still with me since I associated that scent with dad... and because Beckham was one of dad's favorite soccer players. Mom couldn't smell the cologne... and I later couldn't smell the roses she said she smelled after reading the Bible.)

The next week was heck on earth for me. I ended up getting VERY sick (pharyngitis) and was stuck in bed for most of the week. My temperature went up to 104 on Wednesday (the 15th) and it was a miracle I didn't feel as horrible as I was. The fever was around 101-103 for the next couple of days. It was another miracle that I didn't get a panic attack, because I usually do when I get that sick. I wasn't the only one. Mom ended up getting bronchitis and nearly got pneumonia. She, along with my niece Adriana, and I were the first to get sick... and the only family members in the room when dad died. From there, one of my brothers (the one who sobbed the most) ended up getting very sick. Those who took dad's death the hardest were the ones who got very sick and were in bed for nearly a week. We're all okay now, except for the grandson of one of my cousins, who's still at the L.A. Children's Hospital with pneumonia. (btw, please pray for him. He's 6 years old but he was born blind and mute, and a bunch of other complications.) All the rest of us have are stubborn coughs that won't go away.

Yesterday was dad's funeral - the final goodbye. I was worried that I wouldn't have anyone there for me since it was during the week and everyone had plans. Luckily one of my best friends was able to change her work schedule and she came with her family. Seeing dad's coffin getting loaded out of the hearse made me cry. To think that it was the last time I would see him, physically, was painful. We had a Rosary said for him before his Mass. During the Mass, my brothers, sister, and I helped. My nephew and I (the youngest family members there) stood at either side of the casket as we Mass ended. Then we took him to his final resting place -- the San Fernando Mission Cemetery, right behind the San Fernando Mission. Thank God, and Fr. Leo, that we were able to bury him there and that the L.A. Archdiocese was able to help us with the costs. I thought it was fitting for someone who'd expressed how much he loved his faith up to his final days.

I thank God for helping me get the strength I needed to get through it all. I am grateful that my friend Eileen was there with me, with her arm around me, as dad was lowered and was buried. That was hard for me to watch and I'm just glad I didn't faint. I am also grateful to everyone who was there for us, physically and through prayer. I'm truly amazed at how much more strength I found within myself. I just hope it resurfaces when I need it.

Although I know that it isn't a final goodbye to dad, it still makes me very emotional. Y'all would be surprised with how sensitive I actually am. I feel things quite deeply. My comfort is knowing that dad is no longer suffering - which he did the last 7 years of his life due to the cancer. I know that there will be moments when I will miss him the most. I know that I'm going to be an emotional wreck if/when I get married because I won't have him to walk me down the aisle... my future husband (whoever he is) won't have the chance to ask him for his permission to marry me and my future children won't get to experience what a warm, loving, generous man their grandfather was. But I know that dad will be there with me, in spirit, through every milestone I will reach for the rest of my life. I also know that one dad we'll be reunited in heaven... especially if it's anything like that dream I had over a year ago. And, if anything, this will only bring me closer to my faith (if that's even possible.)

I get asked often if I curse God for taking my father away from me. The answer is a big NO! In fact, I still attended Mass the day after dad died and the only Mass I missed was last Sunday's when I was still quite sick. As I said in the previous entry, I am grateful for everything God has given me... including a father that, for 24 years, loved me more than words can describe. I am grateful that I was given a father that was there for me through everything. Yes, we had our disagreements and we did not have an easy relationship, but I wouldn't have traded any of those experiences for anything or anyone in the world. And, my father gave me the greatest gift I've ever received... coming back to the Church after 40+ years of being away only a day before my 24th birthday. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a man whom I loved and respected to the very end... a man who taught me so much, including to always put others before myself and to be as generous as I can be. As I promised dad, I also promise God, I will grow up (I still feel like I'm growing up) to be a woman that both my heavenly Father and my earthly father would be proud of. And with that, I am ending my blog.

I hope that I was able to express myself as well as I could. I had a ton of gushing to do on dad, but I will leave that for something else I'm working on. :) I hope to continue blogging regularly for the rest of the summer, especially now that I've got a lot of time on my hands. I do plan on going abroad soon... and I'm taking mom with me for her first trip to Europe. I'll keep y'all updated on that. :)

Thank you all for your prayers... for dad, for the family, etc. Y'all are amazing people. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Quick Update from Homeworkland

Just a quick update because I am swamped with homework. Three days behind schedule will do that to you.

I've spent the past two days in bed. Well, two and a half. I even missed class on Wednesday due to my first migraine ever. The headache had been building up and not even two Advil tabs were helping. I slept most of Wednesday (due to throbbing headache that made me feel like crumbs) and maybe half of yesterday. I was up only long enough to take more Advil for pain (different sort of pain) and to watch movies with my guy. Haven't been able to eat today, I am literally forcing myself to eat, which is not good because I always feel worse when I don't eat. Ugh. I'll be fine... I'll be fine...

Anyway, due to my being bed for a few days, I am BEHIND on my homework. *groan* Luckily, if I start feeling better today, I will be able to knock out most of the work before bedtime. I'm a fast reader and an even faster writer, thank goodness for that. My goal is to finish everything in time to enjoy my road trip tomorrow, and possible trip to the CU meeting tomorrow. I hope I make it but, at this point, your guess is as good as mine as to whether I'll be able to make it.

I hope to write a blog in the near future -- when I don't have the homework monster breathing down my neck. I have something to say on the whole this with Nancy Pelosi, who apparently took NOTHING Papa Bene said to her to heart. Seriously, Pelosi, you FAIL at being a true Catholic and I don't know how you can call yourself a real one.

I also have something to say that hit closer to home -- a fellow student being called a "fascist b*****d" by a professor at a Los Angeles Community College. Why is this closer to home? Because I'm a student within the LACC right now. Granted, I'm not at the same campus where this particular situation happened, but the rules are applied to all the LACC campuses. This is going to affect me in a BIG way, as I am a Catholic who won't shy away from a "fight" with professors... especially in Philosophy courses. The outcome of this thing will either censor me or will allow me my right to the First Amendment (Freedom of Speech) without consequences. *sigh* I wish I had my acceptance/rejection letter from UBC already.

Alright, I'm going back to Homeworkland. Homeworkland, the place where a kid (or a student) can get the life sucked out of them. Yay. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Quick Update

I was taken to the Emergency Room of one of the county hospitals on Tuesday a bit after midnight and spent 14 hours there. They thought I had appendicitis but it wasn't the case (thank goodness!). I had a bunch of tests done, including a CT Scan. Anyhoo, for those of y'all who've done a CT Scan -- you know the icky liquid (the contrast) they make you take prior to the exam. That liquid has made me nauseous and totally wrecked havoc on my stomach and digestive system for the first couple of days. It's early Friday morning (18 minutes past midnight) so I don't know how I will be feeling later, but I'm hoping it's all good. Just wanted to give y'all an update because a few people have started worrying. If my friends don't hear from me in 2 days, they go into panic mode. I am fine, just a little scare. No guarantees that I will be on the rest of the weekend but hopefully I will... especially since I have a blog I really want to write. Let's just say that these days that I've been sick have really made me think... and Our Lady of Guadalupe has played a HUGE role in everything that's happened lately. :D When in need, ask for her intercession and she will deliver. Gracias, Madre Santa. :D

I hope y'all are doing well. Thanks for reading and God Bless.
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