Ladies, Don't Romanticize Your Celebrity Crushes

I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to blog until I finished studying... and I still have a lot of studying to do for tomorrow and Saturday's exams. I was going to wait until this weekend to blog (and I do have a few posts in mind) but then I read this article about why Harry Styles would be the "best boyfriend" the writer will never have and I had to write this because I feel very strongly about this topic.

This was the reason why I wanted to finish and publish the third novel. The fantasy world that so many young women (and some young men) live in because of their crushes on celebrities is seriously unhealthy. Social media has made it worse because it's now easier than ever to get in touch with someone famous that you like. Ladies, I'm so sorry to burst your bubble but who we usually see on interviews, tv shows, movies, on stage, etc... that's usually either a completely different persona or just one small part of who that person is. I'm going to admit that I know this firsthand because the last guy I dated is also an actor.

My ex-boyfriend presented (to the public) someone who was completely different than who he was in private. His fans thought (and possibly still think) he was this very sweet, humble, Christian guy... and I got someone who was emotionally and mentally manipulative and somewhat abusive. This was a guy who, while I accompanied him to a conference in which he made a "celebrity" appearance, thought it was funny to say "hey, look at this picture" and show me a pornographic shot (think Playboy-style) of a naked woman. I obviously looked away right away and I was sick to my stomach over the photo... but he thought it was just hilarious to defile my eyes and my mind. After we broke up and I cut him out of my life, he spread so many lies about me and he hacked into my emails and accounts to try to ruin me and my reputation. Now you see why my friends and I joke about his needing an exorcism?

The fangirls generally don't see how dangerous and how destructive some of the lifestyle choices their favorite celebrities make... or they choose not to care because of the crush. The drinking, the drugs, the sleeping around, the excess, etc. They do so many things that lead these people astray and they do these things behind closed doors because they don't want to alienate their fanbase. These girls buy into this myth that their celebrity crush is clean-cut and wholesome... or they see part of how they truly are and they glorify these dangerous actions. "This is the new Millennium..." "It's his/her life..." "Who are you to judge?" "Who cares what he/she is doing; he/she is hot..." I've seen and heard it all... and have seen them then try to emulate their crushes' actions because they want to be liked by them. Our culture is very used to Kardashian-style openness that doesn't hide very much from their fanbase... but there's still a lot that people don't see. These people have publicists and things they don't want you to know or see. Of course, just like with every profession/career out there, there are exceptions to the rule (and I still have acquaintances within the biz)... but, sadly, there are not enough good people who are honest and moral in the entertainment biz.

As someone who became a teenager in the late 90s/early 00s boy-band boom (I was a teenager between 1998 and 2004), I totally get celebrity crushes. I still get "celebrity crushes" like once every 4-5 years or so which feels weird now because I'm 32. lol. It's different for me because I usually "crush" on the talent and not so much on the person because of what I've lived through. Tom Hiddleston? A talented guy who can really act. Before Hiddleston it was James McAvoy; same reasons -- talented but it ended there. I think if I had to pick someone right now, I'd say my current "celebrity crush" might be Danny O'Donoghue from The Script because that man can write a great song... but the crush starts and ends there... and I'm still selective of which songs I buy and I wait for clean version of songs because I like my songs innuendo and cuss-free. lol.

I truly believe this is not just a celebrity crush thing. I think, sadly, many women romanticize their crushes (whether they're famous or the boy-next-door) and they project their own thoughts and feelings about them onto the person. I've lived through that myself; very few of us are immune to it. But I think it's gotten worse with the younger generation. They have this romanticized idea of what love is supposed to be like... how relationships are meant to play out... what an "ideal" boyfriend is supposed to be like, etc. All of that greatly distorts what true love is and it sets them up for heartache and unrealistic expectations.

I wish I could get more into this topic because it's one I feel strongly about but let's just say that I feel like we should do what we can to help any person who might be falling into this trap. If you yourself fall into their category, please don't think I'm attacking you. I'm just trying to help open your eyes to the reality. You do yourself, the person you're crushing, and your future spouse a disservice by living in a fantasy world. Yes, real life can be much harder and less predictable than fantasy-land... but it's also so much more beautiful and fulfilling than whatever fantasy your imagination can come up with. Not to mention, if you fall into lustful fantasies about your crushes, you need to get to the confessional asap. Slippery slope, y'all.

Okay, I think that's all I'm going to say for now. I've already spent too much time writing this (as quickly as I could) instead of studying. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well and I hope to write again this weekend... if I can get Saturday's exam completed early.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Third Novel Plot and Dating Break Revelations

Since I'm not publishing the novel, I'm going to give you ALL the spoilers. Keep in mind: this is a bare bones summary and my target demographic is young women between the ages of 16 and 24.

Isabella ("Izzy") Sonora visits her best friend, Zoe Walker, in London post-college graduate in hopes to figure out what she wants to do -- work or go to grad school. Izzy and Zoe met freshman year of college before Zoe (an actress) booked a role that catapulted her to fame abroad. When Izzy arrives in London, she sees that Zoe is living with her actor boyfriend, Rodrigo (professionally known as "Rory") Dominguez. Izzy informs Zoe that 1) Zoe never told her that she'd been living with Rory, and 2) that she should've known that Izzy would be uncomfortable in that situation because of her faith and beliefs. Cue big fight that doesn't quite get fully resolved. Despite this, the girls make up and Izzy gets a small taste of what life in the limelight is like (from the outside; going to premieres and events with Zoe).

Rory (who was working on his popular TV show abroad for the first 2 months of Izzy's visit) returns to London. Rory is kind and thoughtful, even going as far as limiting PDA so that Izzy feels more comfortable. Rory discovers that Izzy sings and plays the guitar. After some convincing, he gets her to agree to do some covers on his YouTube channel with the condition that no one finds out her true identity. Rory has literally millions of followers on his social media accounts and Izzy wishes to remain anonymous. They change her name and they film her from different angles, keeping fans guessing throughout the 7 videos they make over the span of 3 months.

Subplot: Izzy meets Grace Mitchell, another famous actress (more so than Zoe and Rory) who becomes like a big sister to Izzy. Grace doesn't buy into the fame game. She doesn't even have a way for fans to contact her via social media though she's always friendly when she meets them in person. Izzy gets both perspectives of the entertainment business: selling yourself/your brand to become more famous (Zoe and Rory) vs. doing things for the love of the craft and eschewing the superficial side (Grace).

Eventually, Izzy finds herself emotionally attached to Rory despite her best efforts not to be. All the time spent together, all the things they've shared, leaves her confused. Grace takes her away to Bath for a week to get her mind straightened out since it's Izzy's last month of vacation. When Izzy returns to London, she finds an enraged (and clearly drunk) Zoe in denial over her breakup with Rory, who moved out and returned back to work while Izzy was away. Zoe kicks Izzy out of her flat, no explanation given. Grace takes Izzy to stay at her home with her new husband, Ben. Izzy sees what a solid, stable relationship looks like, a breath of fresh air after seeing the impassioned and volatile relationship that Zoe and Rory had.

Someone leaks Izzy's identity as "Lily" (her YouTube alias) to the press. Furthermore, this person blames her for the Zoe-Rory breakup. Rory informs Izzy that it was Zoe who leaked the info and started the rumors because she thought that they were seeing each other behind her back. A "friend" of Zoe's told her she frequently saw Izzy and Rory "meeting outside a church." What the "friend" didn't know (but the readers knew all along) was that Rory had helped Izzy sneak off to Mass for months because Zoe used to fake serious illnesses and did everything she could to keep Izzy from going to Mass. Zoe is seriously anti-religion (which was a surprise to Izzy; Zoe had always been supportive up until Izzy wasn't happy with the Zoe-Rory living arrangement) while Rory is agnostic but he respects Izzy's beliefs. In the end, Zoe is exposed and all the things she did to sink Izzy and Rory's reputations backfire quite spectacularly.

The rest of the novel (which I didn't get a chance to flesh out) would've dealt with Izzy having to make big two decisions. First, she had to figure out whether she wanted to attend graduate school in England (University of Bath), do an internship with a photographer friend of Grace's (who, surprise, was going to be Will from the Will and Lina series), or accept Rory's manager's proposal to sign as an artist to start her own music career (she was not interested in acting).

The second big decision was Rory. He confessed his feelings for her and even wanted to move to L.A. to be with her. Izzy would end up rejecting him. He had a lot of faults that she couldn't overlook; that she knew he couldn't/wouldn't give up especially in the areas of lust, sloth, and gluttony. (side note: Zoe and Rory were going to embody the 7 deadly sins between them while Izzy Grace would exhibit the 7 capital virtues throughout the novel; Zoe was the mirror opposite of Grace, Rory of Izzy).

Keep the plot in mind as I now tell you what really happened to me and how this led to my dating break...

There exist a real-life Zoe and Rory and their lives are very similar to their fictional counterparts. That's all I will say. Unfortunately, like Izzy, I also ended up developing feelings for real-life Rory. That's what got me in trouble from January through July of this year. I used to say "Oh, he's like a brother to me," but I realized that wasn't true. An emotional attachment that had developed and it affected me in ways I didn't realize until it was too late. You'd think a 31/32-year-old would know better but, oh, that's when the devil likes to mess things up; when you let your guard down and think you'll be fine. Don't let your guard down and keep God in the center of everything, even things you think you've got under control.

I never approve but I became desensitized to real-life Zoe and Rory's living together. It wasn't until the end that real-life Zoe was crassly open about things that should be left between two (married) people that I snapped out of it. I somehow didn't realize real-life Rory's problem with giving into excess and a number of other things that slowly pulled me away from the faith. I was sucked in by the kindness, the laughter, the fun, and other (superficial) good things that unintentionally made me overlook what put me in danger. I began to have doubts. I began to think that perhaps this was the right path before because I was a terrible Catholic. Oh, sweet, dumb Emmy. Thankfully, God was with me throughout it all so I didn't fall away completely... but, boy, it was a close call at one point.

Another way God has humbled me lately: I'm not as strong (spiritually or emotionally) as I thought I was. I realized that through this experience. I'm not as smart as I thought. I'm not immune to making really dumb decisions and overlooking red flags. I also don't know the faith as well as I would like, which is pushing me more into the lay Dominican path.

Because real-life Zoe and Rory were a big part of my daily life, it was hard for me to gently remove myself from their lives. I made a point to not see them or see what they were up to. Communication ceased. I blocked them from private social media accounts. I erased all virtual traces I could from my laptop and connected devices. Unfortunately, they'll still pop up unexpectedly but I know how to get myself out of those situations.

After that happened, I was shaken up... and inspired to work on my relationship with God. I knew that I needed to work on myself and my anemic spiritual life before I could go forward in any future vocation discernment. I've known my vocation is being a wife and mother (someday) but I cannot build a solid family on a rocky, unstable foundation (especially with my spiritual life in tatters) so my self-imposed dating break began. I actually considered discerning becoming a consecrated single for a couple of weeks recently before I was reminded of the peace and certainty I've felt discerning the marriage vocation.

The novel was me (mainly) working through the feelings and making sense of everything. I began to write the novel around May-June when I was slowly getting out of months worth of me being confused over my situation with real-life Rory. It was when I started writing things out that I was able to work through it all. The feelings that once existed for real-life Rory are no longer there. In fact, I can't even look at him without feeling repulsed. My spiritual life is back on track though it's going to take a while for me to get to where I was.

And, there you have it. The novel plot and the story behind the inspiration for it. I had hoped to inspire young(er) women to look at their relationships, their friendships, and their faith carefully so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap I did but I'm now seeing that perhaps an honest blog post would work better.

Also, to any young blog reader who gets a bit starry-eyed and dreams of a life like those of celebrities: please be careful. Things aren't what they seem. I'm a bit cynical when it comes to the biz because I've grown up around it and I've seen what it does to people... and I claim temporary insanity from December of last year to July of this year for thinking I could return without it affect me or my faith. I walked away from all of that when I was 20 and (despite the massive temptations to go back and work as a screenwriter last year and this year) choosing to stay away from it is what is best for me on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and even physical level.

By the way, this all connected to my St. Andrew Christmas novena and 54-day Rosary novena intentions from Advent last year because I asked God to help me reject worldly, superficial things that would hurt my soul... which came from last year's temptation to chuck it all away and return to my pre-reversion career path. What I didn't anticipate was that I was going to be tested in a way that all the worldly, superficial things were going to be presented in a neat, pretty package with sparkles and would blind me and make my anemic faith even more fragile for months. I'm incredibly grateful to God for opening my eyes because I was in a terrible place. I know that I had to go through all of this to be able to grow in my relationship with him.

That is the whole truth behind the novel inspiration, the dating break (though part two of this is coming soon), and why it's best that the novel doesn't see the light of day. It took all of this to get me to where I am now and I'm truly grateful for all the prayers and support from friends who knew what was going on and prayers from those who didn't know what was going on but could sense that I was going through a hard time. I'm still working on my relationship with God so everything else will have to wait.

That's it for now. I actually wrote this on the night of the 6th because I want to dedicate all of the 7th and 8th to finishing what is due on the 8th so, you know, if you leave my comments I won't see them until the thing is turned in. Just a heads up. :)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Unplugging and Quieting the World, Part One

If you just heard a little happy "woop!" that was me for I have the next 24 hours in the house, without having to go/drive somewhere. Hooray! Yes, I know I was desperate to get my car back but I've spent the last week catching up on all the errands that we couldn't get to without the car. As someone who gets very tired with too much continuous stimulation, I'm exhausted but very happy that everything has been taken care of and I now have time to unwind and blog. :)

As most of you who follow me on Twitter and regularly read the blog know I decided to limit my time on social media for Lent. Even though Lent is not over just yet, I've already seen the fruits of this decision and it's prompted me to want to continue it beyond the Lenten season.

I am officially off Twitter until Easter Sunday. I take Tuesdays and Fridays off of my private Facebook account as well as I'm offering it up for a personal reason. I make sure I logout of the website and apps the night before in case I click the app (out of habit) which I do at least 2-3 times a day. The less time I spend on social media, the less I see the need to be on it all day every day. I'm sure it's the combinations of the loss of FOMO (fear of missing out) and, most importantly, God changing what matters most to me and what's in my heart.

I used to use the excuse that all my friends moved away and that I needed to be on social media so I wouldn't miss out on their lives. Over the Lenten season my perspective on that has changed a bit. I've decided to make more of an effort to stay in touch with those whose friendship I value most. Some of those people will be getting updated snail mail letters from me (even if they haven't replied to my last letter), others will be getting emails and/or phone calls, and those closest (in distance) will be getting lunch invites. There's a reason why I've chosen to do this: I've become aware of how much relationships (whether they be familiar, platonic, or romantic) greatly suffer from us being so plugged into everything.

I've only read about 20% of Reclaiming Conversations: The Power of Talk by Sherry Turkle (it was on loan from the library; I'm on the waiting list to renew and finish it) but I've agreed with the author; we don't know how to communicate with others without the use of technology. Our times with our families isn't really quality time because there's always a screen or two (or more) present. Relationships suffer due to it. When I noticed that, indeed, I was too plugged in and that I value those in my life, I decided to make some "radical" changes.

I downgraded my internet speed to a one that would still be good for streaming on Roku and for my classes (lecture videos). Since I'm the only person who uses the internet in this household, we don't need all those high-speed options that the cable company offers. When the TV is on (whether it be a movie or Roku), the laptop, cell phone, and iPod are to be ignored. When one of the other screens is on, the others are off.

I also have a new screen-free rule when I'm with others. No screens unless I get a message, a phone call, or need to look up something while we're out... and if I'm in the middle of something and I'm not expecting a message or call, it gets ignored until I'm done talking to the other person. When eating, there's no screens at the table and no calls or texts get answered until we're done eating. 

I found out when the peak hours for the LADWP (Los Angeles Department of Water and Power) are so I purposely don't charge any electronics (nor do I use much electricity) during those hours. It's not just to save money (and we've already seen that it's worked in a couple of weeks), but it also keeps me from being tempted to stay plugged in. If the laptop, iPod, and/or phone get drained, they'll stay that way until peak hours are over. Then things get charged. That's also why I bit the bullet and purchased a Kindle; because they don't get drained as easily as the Kindle app on my iPod touch. 

I've only done this for a couple of weeks but I've already noticed a huge difference. As mentioned, it's been kinder on our wallet. Not only that, my relationships offline are getting stronger and communication is flowing better. I've noticed an internal change as well but I'll wait to see what the rest of the Lenten season brings before I share those changes with everyone. ;)

Oh, did I mention that I've also decided to keep my phone silent unless I'm awaiting for a phone call? Yes, I've also done that. Quieting the world has done me a world of good. Not being plugged in, even when I'm out and feeling bored or in constant need (false need, by the way) of being entertained, has been great. I've enjoyed noticing things I haven't before. I've enjoyed having more time to pray and to build on my relationship with the Lord. 

There is more I want to write but I'll wait for part two because this post is already quite long for short attention spans and, let's be honest, the more plugged in we are, the worse our attention spans are. Yes, mine included. Yes, this is also a hint at what I'll write about in part two. :) I may write it later today and schedule it for tomorrow or Sunday. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I'm off to have a late lunch with Mom since she's back home from work. I hope y'all are having a lovely day and have had a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dating Myself

No, not dating myself in the "using outdated slang" sense though that's always a fun way to make oneself feel old amongst pre-teens. Seriously, ask any of my nieces and nephews under 11 "who let the dogs out?" or tell them to "raise the roof" and they'll look at you with a perplexed expression.

In the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, I began seeing articles about how a single people should act, what they should do, and how they could "tolerate" or even "survive" the holiday. The term "Singles Awareness Day" bugs me, plain and simple. I guess I'm just not bitter about being single and I'm going to tell you why.

I'm not saying it's easy being single. I'm a 30 year-old single lady; there are always comments, especially when people learn how old I am. Do you know how often I get told that if I don't have kids anytime soon, chances that I won't be able to "bounce back" or that the baby will be born with a number of "defects" increases? Do you know how often the fact that I'm single gets thrown in my face? Do you know how often I have to hear my mom lament (though in a jokingly way; there's still truth behind it) about not having grandchildren to friends, family, and even strangers? Let me just put it this way: if I had a dollar for every time I've heard these comments since my mid-20s, I would quite possibly be able to pay off all my student loans -- for all three degrees I've studied for (Religious Studies B.A., Communicative Disorders & Deaf Education B.S., and Biblical Theology M.A.) When Catholic folks find out I'm single, some even push me to become a nun, despite my telling them it's not my vocation. I just smile and say I'm not my vocation but we all know I can get very tired of hearing that as well. 

The single life as a Catholic seems a little more difficult sometimes. Like everyone who takes their faith and their relationship with God seriously, I have my fears regarding my future vocation. Some of those fears are a little silly, some are understandable, but all are very real to me. Though I'm fiercely independent, I still go through periods in which the loneliness has hit pretty hard. I think what's really helped me out has been learning to entrust my loneliness to God and my discernment to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Ever since I've done that, I have viewed this period of singlehood differently. Again, it doesn't mean it's easy; I've just learned how readjust how I view this season of life. I think that's why I'm not a bitter single on Valentine's Day.

I love love but I'm a romantic realist. I know what's real and what's fantasy. I love my Hallmark Channel chick flicks (especially the Christmas ones!) and romantic gestures but I know that real life is not like that. I've seen the ups and downs my friends have gone through with their spouses. I know getting married is not going to solve any loneliness I may occasionally feel. I don't expect any man to make me "feel complete" because I know only God can fill that role. I'm sort of a little ball of contradictions when it comes to this. I know enough about how I view love, romance, and my future vocation to know that my priorities are in the right place. My former spiritual director made sure I understood things. And while this is all great, there was one thing I was missing: knowing myself better.

I can do all those personality tests to find out what kind of person I am. I'm an INFP, a phlegmatic-sanguine (or a phlegmatic-melancholic, depending on the test), my love language is quality time, etc. However, this doesn't really do much to help me in terms of vocation. I think that's why I decided a little while ago (don't ask me how long; I don't keep track of these things) to "date" myself; to figure out what I can bring to a relationship or what I need to work on. I've already learned about a lot about myself -- a lot of things I either didn't want to acknowledge or accept or things I didn't know.

I've been looking at my relationships -- my relationship with my mom, my brother, and my friends (both male and female). I've noticed what makes me happy, what makes me grumpy, what my boundaries are, what I must do when I'm upset, and what will motivate me. I know that I need to communicate the fact that I'm upset when I'm in a funk because I tend to withdraw. I've learned that I need to tell those I love that I'm feeling grumpy so I can get a little bit of space to cool down. I also know that I thrive around people but that that introverted side of me still need to recharge after being around others for a couple of hours.

Last year I made my first attempts (in a long time) to actually be more active in my vocation discernment. Yes, this is a fancy way of saying that I tried my hand at dating. The experiences taught me about what I look for in a potential spouse. I've learned that I love open communication and hate leaving things unresolved. I'm surprisingly patient and open to criticism when it's done with love and no one is defensive or aggressive. While I love having my own space, I love spending quality time with the other person.While I don't like being teased too much (I'm usually Little Miss Serious Business), some people to tend to draw out the more silly and playful side of me that not many people get to see. I also learned that I don't like "online dating" websites so don't expect to see me on Catholic Match anytime soon. 

The best thing that I learned about "dating myself" is that I'm at a place in my life where I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and with my ever-growing relationship with God. I'm happy with who I am, even with the quirks and the flaws I need to learn to manage better. I'm comfortable enough to be open about them and not be ashamed for not being "perfect." I've finally figured out how I thrive and what sinks me not only in life and in my relationships but with God as well. I've learned that my heart is His until He says "alright, this man will help you grow closer to Me" and there is something absolutely beautiful about that. I've also learned that I'm never going to be done getting to know myself because, as all human beings, I'm still growing and changing. Things I liked and didn't like in my teens and 20s aren't the same now that I've entered my 30s.

Yes, things are terribly slow on the vocation (big V) front but He knows why. I know, I know... single ladies over the age of 25 (and especially in their late 20s to early-mid 30s) hate when people say that everything will happen in God's timing but I firmly believe that. Every single thing I've gone through as in some way, shape, or form helped prepare me for my life with my future husband. All I can do now is to continue praying for him and working on my relationship with God. I'm not going to dwell on being single or trying too hard to find someone but I will keep learning about myself and how to be a better version of myself for when the day comes. Now if he could only stop being such a guy and pull over and ask for directions because he's obviously lost on the highway of love... lol. ;)

I highly recommend that you lovely single ladies (and gentlemen!) get to know yourselves (even if it's stuff you don't want to acknowledge) while you wait. Don't dwell on the fact that you're single. There's so much you can do in the meantime. Learn what your gifts are, what makes you shine, what drains you, what you don't like. Take up a hobby. Do something you like, bonus points if it helps someone else. Work on your relationship with God. Learn how you thrive in relationships of all kinds, not just exclusively romantic in nature. Entrust your loneliness to God. Smile. If it's your vocation, it will happen. Take comfort in knowing that, even if the waiting time can be incredibly frustrating at times. :)

Anyway, just my two cents on this matter. Sorry I didn't post it earlier but, as I wrote yesterday, I had a couple of off days that delayed when this got published. :) And now I'm off to... I have no idea. I'm probably reading or taking a nap or watching something since I'm writing this a day in advance. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Therese and Vocation Doubts/Fears

Something funny happened to me earlier this week as I was finally putting all my living room books (which are the ones I actually want to read; not like the ones in "storage" in my book cave) to the bookcase: a prayer card I don't remember purchasing or receiving of St. Therese's was casually on top of one of my books. I didn't put it there. In fact, I had no idea I even owned this prayer card. That wasn't the funny part -- the book it was on top of was the funny bit.

If you're still wondering why I find this funny, it's very simple: she's one of the three saints I've prayed to regarding my vocation over the years and this after some vocation doubts. (side note: St. Raphael and the Immaculate Heart of Mary are the other two.) Look at the cover a little closer and you'll see that it has red roses adorning the border of the cover. I see what you're doing, Little Flower. ;)

The timing is impeccable because, as I've said, I've been having some... I don't want to say doubts but something in between doubts and fears regarding my future husband. Yes, I'm still single but a conversation I had earlier this week put some of these negative thoughts into my head.

Basically, this person and I were talking about my food allergies/intolerances. I've never been formally tested for an egg allergy but I display some of the symptoms of one... or did the last time I had any eggs. I'm getting a dairy allergy blood test done in March but I also had some of the allergy symptoms when we took it out of my diet over a decade ago. While the gluten intolerance blood test came back negative nearly 2-3 years ago, I've noticed that I feel lethargic for a couple of days after I eat a lot of wheat. When I take it out completely, I'm full of energy. I'll have to talk to my doctor about whether I'll permanently remove it from my diet or just reduce the amount that I eat but, for now, I'd rather not have any of it.

All of this -- plus what I've gone through in recent month -- made the person I was talking to say "wow, your poor future husband. What's he going to eat? I was sort of taken aback by this comment. "What do you mean?" I asked them. "Just because I can't eat something doesn't mean no one else can't. I make mom dishes that have dairy and eggs in them, no problem. I just make myself something else." The conversation then went into a place which I don't like visiting: the dungeon of fear regarding my vocation and future spouse.

In this dungeon of fears resides my biggest fear regarding my vocation: marrying the wrong person. It lives with its brother, Who the Heck is Going to Want to Endure What I Go Through? (or "Good Luck, Pal" for short) and its sister, Maybe You Didn't Discern Your Vocation Properly ("Nagging Nelly" for short). Between the three, I can have some pretty awful moments in which I question my vocation. While none of these have escaped from the dungeon in recent weeks, I got a glimpse of them during this conversation.

I'll be honest and say that, yes, I do wonder if I'll ever meet a fella who is going to say "your life isn't easy but I'm willing to endure this with you." I've always had stomach issues, even when I was a little kid. I can go weeks, months, or even years without issues as long as I take care of myself. Because of how bad recent stress levels have been, my stomach has been a pain to deal with. Thankfully I'm learning what triggers it (stress and anxiety) and what I can do to help it heal faster. Now that I'm also noticing which foods can aggravate it, it's getting better. Still, I know some people must go "wow, poor girl. So hard." A lot of people aren't aware of the multitude of options I have. I've learned to substitute eggs in baked goods with applesauce, bananas, and other things. Need flour? There's rice flour. Milk? There's so many options. I cut wheat out of my diet almost a month ago (reintroducing it briefly as part of an elimination diet) and I've still managed to gain a little bit of weight (which I'm excited about).

Sometimes I wonder if guys see this as a big obstacle. I don't like to go out to eat without checking menus and ingredient lists online first. I'd rather cook at home. In fact, I sincerely enjoy it. I just want to keep myself healthy, you know? I'm sure some guys see this as a huge hassle. Then we have other obstacle... which I personally don't see as an obstacle: my mother. Yes, there is a reason I brought her up; she was the second part of my conversation.

My mother is part of the packaged deal. While she doesn't meddle in my affairs (she's always let me make my own mistakes so I can learn and grow from them and I know she won't get involved in any squabbles I may have with future fella), I know guys don't like that. A lot of guys have basically said "oh... she's in your life that much? See ya!" I'm always going to want to live as close to her as possible because of her memory issues. I can't abandon her, you know? What a wretched thing it would be; to leave her to fend for herself during her moments in which she needs someone to help her. However, this is also part of my fear.

Taking my food intolerances and stomach issues, my occasional anxiety (which is getting better, thank goodness), and my mother being close... I sometimes fear that I'm going to stay single because no guy is going to want to deal with that. I try to remain optimistic and say that someday a guy will look at these things and go "oh, those aren't deal breakers; I want to go through this with you. We can do this together." That's my mentality most of the time... but the terrible trio of doubts will occasionally try to trip me.

Seeing the St. Therese prayer card on top of a book about dating was a sort of "hey, don't listen to those doubts; just keep praying" sign for me. No, I don't need signs but it was a lovely reminder to trust God. St. Therese was so sure of her vocation, even when she had to wait years to be allowed to enter the convent. Maybe she and I should have a conversation in the form of a novena. Maybe she can inspire me to do something more. I pray for my future husband but maybe not as often as I should. Maybe I should step up my prayers for my own vocation as well. Yes, I also pray that God prepares me for my future husband as well. I've entrusted this to the Immaculate Heart of Mary -- to help guide me to be the best wife I can be to my future husband and the best mama our future kids can have. I want to have strength where he may be weak and I'm sure God is preparing him to be strong where I'm weak.

Anyway, I'm writing this past midnight (it's almost 1 a.m. right now) because it's just something that I felt a strong urge to share on this blog. I'm not sure if I'll chicken out and delete this before it gets published but, if I don't, I hope that these rambling thoughts make sense to someone. I rarely see blog posts about fears regarding their vocations as future spouses so I hope this helps someone in the same boat.

Alright, I should try to get some sleep. It's already way past my bedtime.

I hope y'all are doing well! :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Weekend Trip Down Memory Lane

I'm currently a year away from celebrating 10 years since my return to the Catholic Church. Well, I count two different months: June 2006 and September 2006. In June the seeds were planted but I didn't fully embrace my reversion until September. I usually count June 2006 as the start date because it's when I began praying and really researching things. Over the weekend I was hit with a major trip down memory lane courtesy of the bands I used to listen to and it got me thinking about how much I've grown in the past (almost) decade.

2005 was arguably my favorite year. It started with an early 20th birthday trip to Disneyland with my (then) two best friends. We stayed until closing, around 11 p.m. if memory serves me right. Then followed a birthday dinner (on my actual birthday) at my favorite restaurant with my friends. We ended taking up a good portion of the back of the restaurant, that's how many had shown up. My friends were amazing. Everyone was supportive and always there for me.

I was loving college (I was attending Santa Monica College then) even though I went through about a half dozen majors. I loved the location because it meant that we could (and did) head to the beach in between classes.

I had been offered a contract with an agency that would've marked the beginning of my career in the "biz" shortly after my 20th birthday.

I was carefree. I lived for concerts. Those who worked at the Roxy and the Troubadour in West Hollywood knew me by name, that's how often I went to concerts. Random "mini road trips" around the city in which my friends and I would drive around the city, just to be out, and eating out was the norm.

I went out with my guy friends a lot. They were not defined as dates but I went out to movies, concerts, to lunch and/or dinner with them (which is the only reason why I'm not completely awkward around guys, lol.) My life seemed idyllic... but a lot of things were missing.

Things began unravelling shortly after I turned down the contract with the agency. The reasons why I turned it down were because a) I wasn't comfortable with the kinds of things I would be sent out for and 2) there was something deep down that didn't sit well with me. I walked away and didn't look back.

Then my so-called friends began turning on me. I accept partial blame here. I was immature and handled things poorly. I hate to admit it but I was dishonest with them. I should've cut them out of my life instead of testing their loyalty (towards the end of those friendships) when I suspected that they were spreading private information about me amongst them. Again, I was immature and made terrible decisions. The girls did everything they could to mentally and socially destroy me when they found out that I'd lied to them. If you've read the first Will and Lina novel you'll get this reference: what Candace did to Lina was nowhere near as bad as what these girls did to me. I deserved it... even if they took it too far. If you've ever wondered why I loathe lying so much, why I will own up to things that most people would deny, and/or why I'd rather take whatever bad consequences will result from my words and actions, now you know.

I still had the guys on my side... for a while, at least. It was at a time when a lot of my guy friends had their first apartments, living away from home. One guy friend tried to get me to his apartment, using the "we'll just hang out... by the way, I think you're attractive" compliment. Uh-huh. "Hang out." Another guy friend flirted and painted lovely pictures of trips to Paris because he had the means to do so and wanted to share those experiences with me. One guy friend bluntly told me that he thought I was cute and wanted to sleep with me but that he didn't want a relationship with me. He even offered to pay a cab for me to get home afterwards. Needless to say, I turned down all those "lovely" offers and my friendships with them ended.

Everything began to take a toll on my health. The stress from the bullying -- the mental abuse I received from these girls was insane -- got to be too much for me. At first the doctors couldn't figure it out. They run tests. Physically, I was healthy. We later figured it was all anxiety related. Then I began to pray to St. Jude, the patron of difficult/hopeless cases. Things began to change.

First, I had to cut communication off with everyone. My eyes were opened up and I saw that almost all of my friendships were extremely toxic. Snip, snip. From that pre-conversion time of my life only 4 friends are still in my life. Three gals and one guy. To this day they remain some of my best friends. One of them was a fellow target of the vicious rumors and lies of the girls that were once my friends. There was no actual reason why she should've been a target either. They just didn't like her so they spread rumors and lies. Cue a Mean Girls reference about Girl World. In a way, that friendship began because I began distancing myself from the girls and knew this girl was a kindred spirit. 12-11 years of friendship later, we're on opposite sides of political and social issues but we're still there for each other when it matters.

During the period of recovery and renewal between June and September 2006, I reevaluated most things in my life. I began learning about the religion of my childhood. I began to try to get rid of lot of bad habits. I had acquired quite a few of those in my years away from the Church so some of them took a couple of years to get rid of completely. I saw that the emptiness I felt was being fulfilled as I grew closer to God. I began to attend Mass, which I hadn't done between the ages of 13 and 21. I went to confession for the first time in almost a decade. I began to feel like my true, authentic self.

This past weekend I tweeted:

Furthermore, I have no idea how I managed to avoid all the crud in those yrs. I was surrounded with so much temptation to make bad decisions

— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) September 20, 2015

I made a lot of bad decisions as a teenager (really, who didn't?) but there are a few I'm happy that I was able to avoid. I avoided drinking myself stupid, doing drugs, sleeping around, and all your basic/cliché "I grew up in L.A." stuff. I still haven't touched anything alcoholic but now that has to do with my not wanting to have it alter my anxiety levels; doctor's orders. I still absolutely no desire to do drugs. My future husband will know that I've always chosen to wait for him, even when I had the opportunities to "get it over with" and didn't even think about sex from a religious point of view. I got rid of habits that were harmful to my soul but were seen as normal in my lost years. I became a better version of myself... even though I still think there's room for improvement. lol. For this I'm grateful.

I'm not here to say "look at me, all better/perfect now" or to shame anyone who might've gone further than I did. I'm so far from being perfect and, really, my Guardian Angel must've worked overtime to keep me on a good path. That's the only explanation I have because I was surrounded by some much temptation. I still make mistakes to this day and I'll continue to make them. I wanted to share this for two reasons.

First, I know I get a lot of young readers who are still in college and/or still in their teens. A lot of these readers may do things that they believe will forever brand/label them. They believe that because they've "messed up," that there is no hope for them. Please know that there is always hope to "start over" again. The Sacrament of Reconciliation exists for a reason. Our fallen human nature and our past does not define who we are or what we're capable of. Do I need to suggest you read St. Augustine's Confessions if you don't believe me? Because, seriously, read it if you think there's no hope for you. God's mercy and love is greater than anything you may say or do.

Second, I'm just so full of gratitude towards God. I know you guys are probably tired of hearing (or reading, in this case) me talk about trusting God. It's been the major theme in my life these last couple of months and this weekend's blast from the past just showed me what is possible through Him. I didn't trust Him then because I didn't know how to. I didn't think it was possible. I didn't consider myself religious. Still, He had greater plans for me than I had for myself. He knew what I was capable of and He guided me to where I am now. Again, I still have a lot to learn and some habits (the occasional impatience while driving... yeah...) to work on but that's okay. God will continue to guide me and I hope that by learning to better trust Him, He can do more for others through me.

And that is the longest post I've written in a while. Sorry! lol.

I still have the entire apartment to vacuum and help clean so I should go do that while there's still sunlight. ;)

I hope everyone has had a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Realizations, Disappointments, and Goals

This morning, as I was driving my best friend to the nearby airport, she asked me a simple question that I had no answers to: "so, what are you going to do until grad school begins on September 30th?" Those who've known me for years know that I love to plan ahead... or used to. Lately I haven't been doing much planning, which I know has surprised some of my oldest friends. This is just one of the two big realizations I've had over the last couple of days.

The biggest realization I had over this weekend (especially Sunday) is that I've disappointed myself in a big way. You know how I talked about an intense yet unexplained desire to pray? It was connected to my vocation (in a way) but it seems to have been (mostly) God's way of bringing me back to Him. See, I realized that I've been acting in a way that is very unlike me for the past couple of months. Yes, months. Not too many... since late February or early March, maybe. I know some of you guys have noticed it but no one called me out on it. No, that's okay; it was something that I needed to figure out myself.

At some point during Lent, the idea that I wasn't good enough entered my mind. The people pleasing part of myself that I had worked so hard to tone down was back and worse than ever. I wasn't knowledgeable enough to defend the Faith or to even talk about. I didn't show my love of God enough while others made it look effortless. I had to impress this person. I had to impress that person. This was at a time when my friendships were thrown into disarray as well, so I was questioning a lot of different things. I sort of fell into this pattern of trying to keep up with everyone as well as please them... and that wasn't making me happy. (side note: yes, I know life isn't about making myself happy or comfortable, but you know what I mean.)

Here is where the vocation part comes into play: I realized that I was trying to impress someone but I wasn't being myself in the process. I can feel my cheeks flush as I admit this. I feel as if my vocation discernment is moving forward after being stagnant for years... and I'm terribly out of practice. I took myself out "off the market" for years because of what I had going on. From ages 17 through 24, my focus was helping take care of my father. When he passed, my focus became graduating college (which I'd put on hold for a while). After graduating college, my focus on getting a job so I could contribute to the households expenses. Then it became getting my Bachelor of Science in speech-language pathology so I could have a stable, good paying job instead of following my heart of doing the Master of Arts in Theology. As y'all know, last November I'd pushed myself to the point where I got physically sick and had to take a break from school while my body tried (and is still trying) to recover. Vocation? Always on the back-burner until recently. That's 12 years of not dating and having only one major crush that lasted years.

I don't remember if I've written about this in the past but I've been keeping a notebook of letters to my future husband for quite some time now. I try to write once every two weeks. Today is scheduled as my next letter... and I'm going to 'fess up to acting like a massive dork (especially around a guy) because I'd forgotten what was important. Hey, I'm sharing my adventures during the waiting period with him. ;)

Here are what my new goals are since I've reflected on my past actions:
- Those "not good enough" thoughts that have crept into my mind? Crummy thoughts meet novenas to the Holy Spirit and Mary Undoer of Knots. In fact, I think it was the recent novena to Mama Mary that helped me realize my actions. Pentecost is coming up (as is one of my favorite novenas to the Holy Spirit) so that will be up next.
- Not feeling like I'm knowledgeable enough? *shrugs* That's why I'm going to be attending grad school in a couple of months. In the meantime, I really want to make a dent into the long list of Catholic books I want to read before I begin school. I don't know when will be the next time I have a long period of time in which I have basically nothing to do but rest and write whatever I want.
- Not feeling like I show my love for God enough? Okay, maybe I don't express it as often through social media as some of my peers do but He knows how much I love Him.
- Impressing people? I'm not going back to that. I've disappointed myself too much to repeat it. The worst part was that I didn't even realize what I was doing until a couple of weeks into my actions. Sigh. Also, any guy who is worth my time will not make me feel like I will need to impress him all the time in order for him to like me. I'm quiet, kind of shy at times, and a massive nerd. Take it or leave it, gentlemen. lol. ;)

Other fun goals for myself:
- Start saving up for a trip to the Vatican and to Ireland (I really want to hike Mt. Croagh Patrick) after I graduate from grad school. I have roughly two years to make this happen. :)
- Get my "to-do" list under 5 things. See, I have a long list of things I really want to do but don't because of whatever excuse comes up. I really do like crossing things off my list so that's fun for me. Yes, I'm a nerd... and proud. ;)
- Finish my third novel by the end of summer. It's do-able; I wrote London Calling in 28 days. :D
- Start an indoor garden of some sort. I live in an apartment so my options are limited but I am home almost all day on most days so I can always water plants and make sure they get enough sunlight. :)
- Daily Mass. I really do miss going to daily Mass and I'm trying to slowly build up my red blood cells with the new iron pills so I should have more energy in the near future.

Anyway, just felt like sharing this. Yes, I failed but hopefully someone will learn from my mistakes. :)

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to go do a couple of things before my guilty pleasure show (19 Kids and Counting) begins. ;)

As always, thanks and reading and God bless! :D

Romantic Disappointments

I know I'm notoriously private about my love life (friends like to joke that I'll probably be married before they find out there's even a guy in my life) but I've been inspired to write about romantic disappointments because I feel like it's not talked about enough. Yes, we occasionally hear about it from a married blogger but rarely do we hear about it from a still single gal. This is fairly new territory for me so please forgive me if I stumble along the way.

The one thing that stuck out for me last night (when I had this sudden inspiration to write this post) is that, though the disappointment in the romance department stinks, when you leave your vocation up to God, it stings a lot less. Instead of lamenting over what happens (or doesn't happen), I turn to God and thank Him for the learning experience and pray for the other person involved. Now, let me tell you that I would've never gotten to this place if I hadn't had years of learning to do.

I am a little ashamed to admit this but my first experience praying for a significant other (when I was 17) left me not wanting to pray for years. I was a selfish, immature teenager who prayed that a rocky relationship would mend... only to have it end a week later. I was put off. "I prayed for this to get better, not to end!" I griped. I didn't understand that when we pray, we're asking God to please help us with something which may or may not be a part of His will for us. If it's not, our prayers will be answered in ways that we may not want but need. I had been poorly catechized, I was away from the Church, and didn't know or love God the way I do now. Later on, his young man revealed his true colors and he earned the nickname "poopy diaper" (did I mention I was immature at 17?) amongst my friends. Dodged that bullet... but it took me years to realize this.

Fast-forward 6-7 years later... When I was in my early 20s (and in the early days of my reversion), I met a young man who ended up helping me leave my immature ways behind. See, I was terribly selfish in my relationships up until I met him. When I prayed for someone, it was always that I ended up getting what I wanted. "Please let him be for me," I would say. With this young man that I befriended, it changed. 

I knew, early on, that he was open to being called to the priesthood. Though he was not the first guy I'd been interested in who was open to the vocation, he was the first whom I prayed that God would show him his vocation. Instead of "Lord, please let him like me," my prayers became "Lord, please help him figure out what his vocation is supposed to be. If it's with someone else, please bring a good woman into his life. If it's to the priesthood, please guide him. If it's to the single life, please let him see that." It was not about me and my happiness... it became about him and his doing God's will. Not only that, my prayers also became "Please help me figure out my vocation. If I'm meant to marry and have children, please help me learn to be the best wife and mother possible."

My feelings for this young man lasted for about 5 years, on and off. Cue surprise and shock from a majority of my friends (my best friends knew my feelings but not the depths of them which, for obvious reasons, I won't get into). After countless novenas and prayers for him, he finally entered the seminary last year. The day he entered was bittersweet. I was both incredibly proud of him and excited to see him embark on his new journey, yet I couldn't help feeling a little sad.

Was I disappointed that years of feelings ended up the way it did? Honestly? Yes and no. Yes, because I had asked God (for several years) that the feelings I had for him would go away if nothing was to come from them... and they didn't. In fact, I spent an entire evening/night having a "why did You not take these feelings away from me like I had asked? Why make me go through this? Please help me understand what the point of me going through this was..." conversation with God shortly before my friend entered seminary. No, because I knew that he would be discerning the priesthood and because, looking back, I know that it's thanks to him that I was able to mature and, in a way, get closer to God. Isn't that what a good priest does? Inspire those around him to get closer to God? ;) 

I'm grateful for having this experience for several reasons. My feelings for this friend popped up right before my father passed away. I think that helped me have some sort of sense of normalcy and balance in my life when everything else had collapsed around me. (side note: I should state that he is NOT the inspiration for Will in the novels; Will was entirely made up in my mind.) I ended up discerning (and re-discerning) my vocation during this period. It became clear to me that my vocation is of future wife and mama. All those chick flick and Disney-fueled notions of what love was supposed to be were replaced by my love for God (as much as I can love Him with my very limited, human understanding of love) and my understanding of what the vocation of marriage truly is. I've also come to believe that my feelings might've been given to me because my friend needed all the prayers he could get while he discerned entering seminary. He still gets them even though the feelings have gone. ;)

Being practical, I never really allowed myself to envision a relationship with my friend. To quote Jane Austen, "a lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment." I didn't do that. I refused to. Why? Because the disappointment would've hurt more. Recently, I had another disappointment in the relationship department but, having learned to trust God with my vocation, I automatically prayed for the young man and thanked Him for the experience. Again, I refused to think about the "what ifs" and tried to be practical and discern things. It saved me from heartache and I am grateful for it.

I wanted to share this because I feel like there's too many people who a) lament about being single to the point where it drives people crazy, b) who don't pray for their future spouse, and c) who don't trust God with their vocations. I pray for my future husband, whomever he may be, on a regular basis. As I wrote on St. Joseph's feast day, I've learned to let go and trust God with my vocation. While I do feel broody when I see pictures of my friends' babies and while single gal pains do pop up when I get news of engagements and upcoming marriages, I'm also reminded that every romantic disappointment that I've had has led me closer to God... and has prepared me for my future spouse.

One more thing: it's very easy to be fooled by feelings. We may feel like this person may be "it" or "the one" for us, but we have to remember that feelings are fleeting and often deceiving. That's something I've learned through the years. Instead of letting yourself get carried away with whatever feelings may have, pray that God helps you discern them. If you're feeling down about being single, pray for your future spouse. Have feelings for someone? Pray for them, for their vocation, and for yourself and your vocation... but don't let the prayers become "please, let him be for me." Trust God. If something doesn't work out, it's because He has something better in store for you. Yes, so cliché to say but it's cliché for a reason. Yes, the disappointment of failed relationships and crushes is going to stink but it's better to do His will than chase after earthly "happiness" that could pull us away from God.

I don't think I'm going to write something like this again for a long time (hello, notoriously private over here) but I felt inspired to write this while I prayed last night. I hope that it helps at least one person who may be struggling with something similar. OH! And, for the record, I'm not saying that this is how it's supposed to be; I'm sharing my experiences and my thoughts and ideas. I'll get back to y'all after I read Three to Get Married by Ven. Fulton Sheen if need to tweak some of my ideas. ;)

Anyway, that's it for now. My best friend is coming to visit in two weeks so I need to go narrow down the list of things we can do while she's here. Yes, I need two weeks to figure things out. What? L.A. is a big, spread out city and I want to make the most out of the time she's here! ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 13: New Year's Edition

-- 1 --

Happy New Year to all you lovely blog readers. I took the first two days of the year to relax before I dove back into writing. It was lovely but I needed to write again. Anyway, I hope you all had a good time ringing in the new year... though, from what I saw on my Twitter and Instagram feeds, it looks like most of us just stayed at home this NYE. Nothing wrong with that! This homebody approves. ;)

-- 2 --

I've been trying to catch up on reading because I will soon head back to school. Okay, May isn't "soon" but it is getting closer. Stoked! Anyway, I've been reading a mix of children's literature (in the form of Pixie Hollow books; it's research for an upcoming project), finishing the Narnia series, reading my friend Nancy's His Good Opinion novel (Janeites will enjoy it!), and I just borrowed a book on the letters between St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane Frances de Chantal. I'm very excited about this book because I've been feeling particularly close to both these saints lately. Let's see how much reading I can get in between now and May 4th.

-- 3 --

Can I just say how awesome the Mary Undoer of Knots novena is? I had a long standing (read: almost 5 years) issue bugging me and I've noticed that the "knots" are slowly being undone. All those things that went wrong while I did the novena were so worth the peace and joy I am currently experiencing.

-- 4 -- 

When y'all voted for St. Raphael the Archangel as this year's patron saint I was curious as to why. He'd never won before. Now I've see why; I've spent January 1st through today giving relationship advice as well as being forced to take a good look at my own personal life. I wonder how many more people will need novenas to St. Raphael throughout the year. ;)

-- 5 --

I have some things I want to write about but I want to have material so no spoilers from me. I looks like January will be quite the prolific writing month... if time allows me to publish them all relatively close to each other.

-- 6 --

This is why I love tumblr; a priest, a rabbi...

-- 7 --

And, because this is the "New Year's Edition"... I don't have resolutions (I don't like making them) but here are my goals for this year:
- More swing dancing.
- More traveling.
- Learn more recipes.
- Learn how to knit.
- Attend daily Mass (or at least spend 20 minutes in silent prayer in front of the tabernacle daily).
- Spend less time online.
- Learn to balance school and prayer life.

And that's all for now. Quick. Easy. No spoilers. ;) Okay, fine, I want to get back to reading. lol.

I hope you all have a great weekend (I may blog tomorrow; fingers crossed)!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Permission to Marry Me?

 Inspired by Father's Day coming up this weekend, as well as the controversy surrounding the article 8 Rules for Marrying My Daughter, I decided to write something of my own. You know some of you are curious since my father passed away 4 years ago (next month). Disclaimer before you continue reading: these are my beliefs and what I would want for myself.

First, I have to say that the article has good points. Pat Archbold listed things that I'd like to see in my own future husband. A Catholic man who prays, willingly attends Mass, respects his mother, knows his limits, has an honest job (and his honest himself), and is open to children? Add "accepts nerdy tendencies" to the list and you'll hear me ask "Where can I find one?!" lol. As someone who has dated enough (not a lot, but enough) to know what she looks for in a fella, I agree with a majority of the 8 listed things.

Every person whose vocation is marriage has their own "list" of things they'd like in their future spouse. A devout Catholic man is what I hope to get in my future husband. As someone who loves her faith and is continually seeking to grow closer to God, having a spouse who is striving for the same things is important to me. I'd love to have a husband who, when I am having my anxiety days, will say "it's okay, you can do it/you'll be fine" instead of "well, then we shouldn't go. Let's stay home" when it comes to attending Mass. I'd love to have a husband who would love for us to have time, every day, to pray together... even if it's only for a couple of minutes. I know myself well enough to know that I need someone who encourages me to grow and I know that I will do the same for him. Besides that, I'd like a fella who is honest, hardworking, respectful (old fashioned manners are a bonus), and open to life. I don't think that's too much to ask for... and if it is, oops. This is just my preference. This is what I would like in my future husband. Now that that's out of the way, let me get onto what I really wanted to address.

A lot of people are having issue with the having to ask a father's permission to marry his daughter. I have issue with the word "permission" because it sounds like the young lady has no say in the matter. Bride and groom need to fully consent to the marriage, on their own free will, for it to be considered valid. If either the bride or groom doesn't want to marry the other person, you can't force them -- even if one of the parents wants it for their child.

Personally, I would like it if my future husband would, out of respect for my mother, asked for her blessing. Since my father is gone (and it would apply even if he were still alive), my mother's blessing would be amazing. I know my mother would happily give it if there wasn't any legitimate reason (i.e. something sketchy that she knows that I don't) to not give it. Oh, she'd let me know of any objections to his character before it got that far because she's much more perceptive than I am when it comes to people. And actually, funny story, this has come up twice... only for dating and not necessarily marriage.

I've had two would-be suitors ask my mother if permission would be needed to date or marry me. What did my mother say? "Pfft. 'Permission'? If you want permission, ask Emmy. She's the only who you want a relationship with. Furthermore, she's an adult; she makes her own decisions." There is more but it wouldn't be... nice... to repeat it. lol. (side note: if you're wondering, neither requests were accepted on my part. I'm not picky; I'm just well aware of red flags when I see them.) If you think my father's response would not be the same, you'd be wrong.

One of the last things I spoke to my father about (right before he passed and right before he lost his ability to speak) was my future boyfriend/husband. My older brother (who has taken on the role of the "man of the house" since my dad passed) was in the room this happened. I made a joke about how my father would need a broom to chase away any guy who would dare ask his permission to marry or date me and I will never forget exactly what he said. My dad simply said, in a very sober tone as I had NEVER talked about relationships with him (it was my only real conversation on the topic with him), "That won't be necessary. I trust you and I trust your decisions." Just like that. My father knew he would never get to see me marry but he also knew that I had never given him a real reason not to trust my judgment. When the topic has come up, my older brother has pretty much echoed what my father said (well, besides giving me pointers).

So, to wrap it all up: no, my future husband will not be asking my father (or anyone) for his permission because a) dad's not alive and b) it all boils down to whether or not I will accept him myself. I'm 28 years-old (though I look 18 as some of you like to remind me, lol) and I'd like to think that I know what I want in a spouse to make my own solid choice. Would I love to have him ask for my mother's blessing? Of course! Old fashioned, hopeless romantic, party of one, right here. But if I see that I don't love the poor fella or that I can't see a future with him, I'm going to have to turn him down. It's going to be no one's decision but my own. Repeat after me: "'permission', no. 'Blessing', yes."

Anyway, I just wanted to write this out. I know some people were curious as to what I thought since I had posted the link to the article on Twitter and was asked.

And now back to work. Yes, I try to get some freelance work (no matter how tedious it may be) done in the afternoons/evenings.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I'm Single So My Life Is Worthless

For the record, the title was not meant to be taken seriously. Like, at all. ;)

I've had a really BAD anxiety day so I have nothing good to post. Because of this, I've decided to post another one of my favorite Blimey Cow videos along with a challenge.

Having a mother that has her Mrs. Bennet moments (on an almost daily basis) and having acquaintances who bemoan the fact that they're single and how their biological clock is ticking... when they're younger than I am... made me appreciate this video. One of my best friends and I have running inside jokes about the whole situation (being single with no hurry of finding a guy or getting married immediately despite feeling pressured by people around us) and a lot of what we say is contained in this video.



As Jordan said, being single can be fun. So, single #cathsorority gals, here is my challenge for some of you: make a list of everything you want to accomplish before God sends the right guy your way... and do it. Want to finish your degree? Do it. Want to start a career? Do it. Want to focus on bettering yourself so that when the right guy comes along and you decide the settle down you'll be ready? Please do it. Also, don't forget to write down how you want to better your spiritual life. Got that list written? Good. I should now put this disclaimer: the right guy may come along before you complete your list but that's okay. The whole point of your time "finding yourself" is that you don't become obsessed with finding the right guy RIGHT NOW because that could be very dangerous. Trust me... I've seen it happen to good people.

Now, here's another idea: pray for your future spouse. I don't do this as often as I should but I do it when I remember. My prayer is simple: "please, Lord, let my future husband get to know and love You while I do the same. Let us both be chaste in our words and actions and may we find each other when You feel that we're both ready." My prayer is not always the same but that's the gist of how many of them begin. After you pray for him, focus on the only man in your life; the Big Man Upstairs. Your solo time with God is precious and I am willing to bet that spending time with Him will help you in your future relationships.

I love you gals which is why I am saying this. I'm not criticizing you; I'm only wanting what's best for you and I felt compelled to write this... especially after watching this video. So, PLEASE no more trying to hurry me or try to make me feel bad for being single. No setting me up with guys you think are perfect for me, especially if you only know me a little bit from talking online. I'm not naming names but y'all know who you are. I'm just figuring out what I want so please back off a bit. Thanks. :D

Now... any challenge takers? ;)

Book Review: How to Get to "I Do" A Dating Guide for Catholic Women

Whoever said using Twitter was pointless was wrong. If it hadn't been for Twitter, and author Amy Bonaccorso sending me a friend request, I wouldn't have heard of this book when I was in the midst of (sort of) questioning my vocation. I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so when I was re-thinking my vocation after a particular difficult time for me this, for me, was like a sign from God to have patience and that what I was experiencing was just a little bump in the road. Now, I don't particular like talking about my relationships and that part of my life but I will disclose some things that I think will helpful when reviewing this book. By the way, for me to do this means that the book was actually helpful which is more than I can say for other books aimed for single Catholic women whose vocation is marriage.

First off, I actually ended up loving this book a lot more than I had anticipated. I've read (and reviewed) other books dealing with the same subject but I felt like this book was the only one that was realistic in how relationships truly are. Others tend to romanticize relationships. Although I am a hardcore Janeite and am a hopeless romantic, I do know that real life is not a Disney fairy tale. I like to call myself a romantic realist. A lot of books play up the romance once you find the person with whom you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with. They don't tell you about all the frogs thrown against the wall (instead of kissing them) or about how we should not have our minds clouded by visions of engagement rings and wedding bells. What I liked the most of this book is that it covers everything from the dating to after the wedding which most other books won't even go into. Amy acknowledges that we are human and that we do make mistakes and she works with us instead of preaching.

When you get to be my age (golly, that makes me sound old doesn't it? lol), people begin to question why you aren't married or with children. Especially in the Hispanic community, it's almost unheard of for a young woman to not have at least a significant other at 25. I often get questions on whether I feel my "biological clock ticking", especially since there are more complications during pregnancy as a woman gets older. I must admit that I do occasionally think about it because I do have a strong desire for children (a far cry from my "no children, thank you" stance at 20 years-old, before my reversion). At the same time, I don't want to rush myself or things so I've had a "slow and steady" view. This book covers that... and how! The chapter of "Secular Sisterhood", as well as the entire book, made me realize that I was relying way too much on having God put the guy in my path. I was stuck in the same little rut and that if I want to meet people I have to actually get out there (while still maintaining my morals and beliefs.) There were some things that were advised that I wasn't entirely comfortable with because of my temperament.

I'm actually pretty shy at first, especially when around people of the opposite sex, so of the suggestions to get out there and mingle are a bit daunting for me. It's not as easy for me to be so open right off the bat. It isn't until I feel comfortable enough with someone that I act like the goofball that I am with friends and family. I felt like my personality wasn't compatible with some of the advice in which she encourages us to actually get out there and date. I occasionally felt as if I were almost being pushed into acting in a way that is very outside my comfort level. I actually had to look within to figure out why that was and even after I figured it out, I was still not entirely sure it was for me... but that's okay. I did see where she came from and I can see why she would advice some things but I'd have to modify it to fit my own personal comfort level. I liked that I got this out of the book as I hadn't with any other before. It made me feel more confident about how I feel about dating and who I was as an individual person.

Throughout the entire thing I kept thinking about recommending it to various people, Catholic and non-Catholics alike, because it's full of great advice. Amy mentions setting a time limit with the vocation discernments which I, from personal experience, found to be excellent advice. When I was discerning my own vocation I didn't set one for myself but Fr. Leo did... at I was glad he did. He saw something in me that I was still figuring out and advised me to wait 2 years before I decided on becoming a nun. Before the two years were up I knew in my heart that the religious life wasn't for me. Discerning a religious vocation should be taken seriously and not delayed which many young women and men do. I LOVED (yes, it needed to be in caps) that she mentioned that the single life should not be the "last option" if you're not called to the religious life and can't find a person. I have seen many friends seriously consider the priesthood/religious life or becoming a consecrated single because they can't find anyone and their patience isn't the best.

This book really goes into online dating which I was a little wary on. I'm not knocking it but I've always been friends with someone before dating them and I feel like a lot of people just want to jump into relationships because they're physically attracted to someone (and only for that reason). Some people also try to present themselves in a way that they aren't (putting their best foot forward... even if it's not who they really are) which makes me a little nervous. At the end I have come to consider it because it may a little easier as I blush and stutter easily when I first meet people. I still haven't done it because I'm very cautious (hi, mostly Phelgmatic here, remember?) but I'm more open minded to the idea of using it.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I was actually going through a bit of a weird time in which I was questioning whether I had discerned my vocation properly. I had actually begun the second 54 day Rosary novena (which ended yesterday) to pray for not only my vocation but also that of a couple of my friends. It was a time when I wasn't the only one questioning their vocation but I was the only one who was sure that their vocation was that of marriage and not religious life or of being a consecrated single. Without going into much detail, I was dealing with feelings for a friend who was (and still is) discerning his own vocation while having another fella from my past show up and thus reminded me of a time in which I seriously considered becoming a Carmelite nun. It was a lot of fun. lol. I also had other things that contributed to my confusion. Since I don't have a spiritual director at the moment (and haven't had one since Fr. Leo passed away a little over a year ago) I was trying to make sense of everything without much help. The novena (which is always hard at first) was something I started hoping to either be at peace with my vocation or to help me figure things out. I didn't like that I was going into a spiritual desert (which I endured throughout most of Advent almost up until Christmas). A couple of days into novena came friend request and the eventual purchase on Amazon. It was the best decision I made during my time in the spiritual desert and it helped me make sense of the feelings I had for a friend with some amazing epiphanies that helped me greatly.

If I had to summarize this book in a nutshell I'd call it advice you'd get from an older sister who wants the best for you... without being preachy. A lot of dating/courtship/relationship books aimed for Christian women are a little too much. While I do agree that God should have a place in a relationship, this book doesn't shove it down your throat. It didn't have a "if you don't do this and this and that then you're displeasing God and thus ruining your relationship" vibe. Again, she acknowledges that everyone is different and that we're not perfect which takes the pressure off of feeling like we must behave in a certain way. I would definitely recommend this book for single women AND men (and I was mentally making a list of which guy friends I'll personally speak to about this book) of all ages. :D

I don't think this is the last time I will write about vocations as I'm taking a Theology of Marriage and Family class, but I think this is it for now. ;). lol. I hope y'all have had a great week thus far... and that I've peaked the curiosity in some of you enough to make you want to read this book. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!