Good News: a Possible Breakthrough in my Health Issues

((Before I begin, let me just wish you all a happy feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! I wrote a bit about the same picture that's hung on my bedroom wall for the past (almost) 30 years on Instagram in case you want to read it.))

I thought I was ready for my hematology appointment yesterday morning. I was cool, calm, and collected. Or, so I thought until I woke up sweating cold that morning. That cold sweat didn't stop until after I saw the hematologist... an hour after my appointment was scheduled.

I kept repeating, "Jesus, I trust in You" from the moment I woke up... 2 hours early. I tried to go through my routine -- breakfast, prayer, and getting ready to go out -- at a slow pace. I had intentionally done it to keep my anxiety levels down. Whenever I felt them go up a bit, I would stop and repeat, "Jesus, I trust in You" three times before I would resume the routine.

Before I left, I stopped and had a conversation with God. Since I was home alone, I said the words aloud. I don't remember the exact words but they were along the lines of "Whatever happens, I accept. If it's Your will, it will be done. If it's good news, I will rejoice and praise you. If it's not good news, I know you will give me the fortitude to endure it. Whatever it is, I will sacrifice sleep and go give thanks at tomorrow's daily Mass."

I drove to my appointment with unusually clear eyesight (I've been having eye problems for months, remember?). I decided to listen to "The Benedict Option" audiobook as a distraction. I took a longer but clearer (read: less traffic) route to my hematologist's office. "If I get there late, I get there late. But I'd rather go calmly than stress myself out," I told myself as I drove to the office.

I got there on time... but I ended up waiting an hour before I was seen. See, the hematologist I've seen for the past two years is out of the country. While it wasn't confirmed, we think it has something to do with his work visa since he's a foreign-born doctor. He had a delay returning the last time his permit expired, too. Anyway, because of this (and the office being unsure of when he will return), they gave me a new hematologist. I was warned beforehand about this; there were rescheduled appointments and blood draws for it for weeks leading up to the day. I just didn't know the actual appointment would have a wait time of over an hour.

As you can imagine, I sat there sweating cold out of nerves. I didn't know if my pancytopenia (the medical term for low red and white blood count and low platelets) was still around; if I was healthier than I was since my last blood draw at the last ER visit I'd had, two months earlier. "Jesus, I trust in You" I said before I prayed the St. Patrick breastplate prayer and texted a good friend to help pass the time.

I was whisked inside and I waited for the doctor once again, this time in the exam room. My noontime alarm went off signaling the time to pray The Angelus and Sext. I had taken my copy of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary in case I needed it. I took out my Rosary beads from my pocket and began praying the Angelus. I had just finished praying, "And the Word was made Flesh.. *genuflects* and dwelth among us..." and was standing up when the new hematologist came in. "This is it. Jesus, I trust in You," I said internally.

I was ready for whatever God in store for me... or, again, so I thought. I won't keep dragging the story for y'all so I'll tell you exactly what he said.

After introducing himself he said he'd gone over my charts and history along with my latest blood work. The good news was that my numbers had gone up. My white blood count had miraculously jumped up to normal in record time, from 3.6 to 4.6. My platelets went up 33k (from 102k to 135k) and I’m now currently only 5k under normal range. My red blood count and hemoglobin are still a little low but are now closer to normal range. He said that, given my history and my steady (for the most part) numbers, he thought it all pointed to an early rheumatology/autoimmune issue. When I explained that the ophthalmologist had ordered blood work because he also thought I had an autoimmune issue that was causing my eyesight problems (my bilateral optic nerve edemas), he said that it just further confirmed his suspicions. He said that it looked like it was all early stages of whatever was about to unfold and that no treatment would be necessary at the moment; we'll just keep an eye on things.

This is the first time I've come close to getting a diagnosis on anything! I was surprised and relieved. After so many years of dealing with low platelets and the anemia coming and going, here we had a sort-of breakthrough! I immediately thought about how the words "leaky gut" and the theory many people have made that perhaps that's what's wrong with me have popped up in recent weeks. A parishioner friend of mine even lent me a book on healing the leaky gut when I went to Mass last Friday (the beautiful First Friday I wrote about here). That's not even counting the dream I had nearly two years ago in which I dreamt that St. Giuseppe Moscati had examined me and told me to do a bone broth diet to heal my gut; a dream that also featured St. John Bosco. I even screen captured the tweet for future reference.

Y'all know this tweet is old because I haven't used that profile picture in years. Also, my apologies to St. Giuseppe for butchering his first name. It was during the time when I was still learning about him.

Perhaps this is all part of my 54-day Rosary novena intention; I've been praying for better health and the ability to expand my restricted diet. A leaky gut will make it seem like you have allergic reactions to many things -- especially foods -- so this could be the breakthrough I've been praying for! I am definitely going to try healing my gut just in case this has been the issue all along.

Before I end this post, I also wanted to share one more thing the good hematologist said to me. As he was leaving, hand on the door, he stopped and looked back at me and said, "Are you married, planning on getting married, or in a relationship?" I confirmed that I did want to get married one day, but I didn't know when that would happen. He then said what I was not expecting, "With your history and numbers, you can get pregnant. You can have children as soon as you'd like. Usually, there are worries about platelets dipping for people who have ITP or other blood disorders, but it shouldn't be a problem for you." I was completely dumbfounded. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind (for obvious reasons) yet I felt an enormous wave of relief. God willing, I can have babies and not worry about it affecting my health (at least, not my platelets) because it looks like it may all be an autoimmune issue rather than a blood disorder.

I left the office feeling lighter, a lot more hopeful, and intensely grateful to Our Lady for her intercession and to God for everything.

I knew there was a reason why my appointments kept getting pushed back; why I had to keep rescheduling blood draws and appointments. Not just for the hematologist but all of them. I didn't know what it was but perhaps it all needed to happen so that a  new doctor could look at my case and apply their knowledge to my “medical mystery” that’s been baffling doctors for years. (side note: the hematologist is an older gentleman so he has more experience than my [close to my age] regular hematologist.)

So, that's my news. On day 41 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I received that wonderful news. I have another blood draw tomorrow to check for autoimmune things and inflammation markers prior to my ophthalmologist appointment on Monday morning. I hope that we get a little closer to the root cause of all my problems with it as well. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the news with y'all. I received a letter from my Oblate master while trying to finish up this so I'm going to go read that right now. And, yes, I just teared up because of the timing.  What are the odds that I would receive a letter from my Oblate master (who, along with the other monks, has been praying for my health) with words of encouragement regarding my health while writing this post with an update on my health? God, Your timing is impeccable!

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Prayer Interruptions

Okay, so, I'm definitely going to be doing these blog posts at random times when I know I have time instead of a set time every day. Let's see how this experiment goes...

You know what I've noticed lately? That people automatically assume that you're doing something not prayer-related if they see you using your iPod touch or smartphone. I keep getting interrupted when doing the Liturgy of the Hours because I use the BrevMeum app. I guess people assume I'm wasting time on something else and that it's okay for them to interrupt whatever I'm looking at. (side note: I'm not even going to comment on how I rude I think this is in general.) I mean, it's understandable to assume that I may be wasting time on something trivial; a lot of people use for their tablets and/or smartphones for things other than prayer. However, some of us do use them for such purposes. 

I really want to get the Monastic Diurnal (as recommended for Benedictine oblates) so that I can get something physical to hold -- that isn't on a screen -- to do the LOTH but it's not cheap. Yes, I know I can get it on Amazon for a lower price. However, in recent weeks I've decided to buy directly from monasteries, convents, and authentically Catholic websites as the money goes straight to them instead of a giant corporation who may be donating some of the money to Planned Parenthood or another questionable place. Yes, that's why I linked the Monastic Diurnal to Clear Creek Abbey, home to awesome Benedictine monks.

Also, I don't know about anyone else but it becomes really hard for me to concentrate on my prayer once again after I get interrupted midway through the prayer. I simply cannot get back into that laser-focus concentration on what I'm reading/praying... and then I get annoyed at the person/interruption. I know they usually don't mean to do it but it's an annoyance I need to work on. Does anyone have a similar problem? Has anyone been able to overcome this problem? Please let me know any tips you may have!

Not much to report on today, beyond the things I talked about...

Wait, no... one cool thing: I received a message about how I have become a founding member to an amazing apostolate started at my home parish. I don't know if I'm able to talk about it but it's something that, as soon as I heard about it, I knew I had to join in. I'll try to see if I can mention if -- I'll ask the person who started the apostolate -- and write about it in a future post. Let's just say that it involves prayer and that I will never know the end results until I (God willing) get to Heaven.

Okay, now I have nothing else to add. lol. The social media fast is going okay. I still don't miss it at all... although Facebook is starting to send me all these emails about how I'm missing out on *this person's* post or *that person's* video. Sorry, Facebook, but this girl is not experiencing any FOMO. Twitter's emails have also begun but they feel less needy. The only issue I'm having is that I still occasionally (accidentally) type in Twitter or Facebook and am greeted by the home page, asking for my username and password before I realize what I've done. "Old habits die hard" indeed!

My phone doesn't get used very much these days. I have it on "Do Not Disturb" or completely off most of the time. To be quite honest, only 3 people have been added to my "favorites" list so that their calls and/or messages can get through... and one of them is my mother. I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to become somewhat of an urban hermit this Lent. Also, I can't believe the battery lasts me all day, especially since it's not getting drained by the Instagram app (my time-waster of choice) or checking social media. I'm still a couple of days from the official "break-up" with it but this trial separation is going well. For now. lol.

Prayer is going well... except for the whole interruption and having to continue later when I can focus again. I added the same St. Therese book I've used for Lent is about 2009-2010 on a whim yesterday. I figured that since she's playing such a big part in my Lenten plans this year, I might as well go for it.

I know Lent has only just begun but, I am curious, has anyone had to remind themselves (more than once) to stop and not fall back into whatever it is that you've given up for Lent? If you're also on social media fast, are you missing it yet?

Alright, it's 6 p.m. I just prayed the Angelus and now I'm going to go pray Vespers in both the MeumBrev app and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Yes, I pray both during the day.

I hope you all have a lovely day!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Shhh! Silence!

It took me a week and a half to update this blog because I've been trying to embrace the silence in my life, including that which comes from eschewing social media and technology as much as possible.

When the New Year started, I decided to embrace the silence and calm of Advent and extend it all year 'round. I've felt burnt out on social media -- and the internet in general -- for so long that take any and every opportunity to stay offline. I love that I can go days without logging in and people don't notice. I suspect that no one really cares, either. It's both humbling and wonderful.

Of course, it's not easy to stay completely offline. Almost everyone in my life seems to live on social media... or, at the very least, use it to communicate rather than sending emails or text messages. I've tried to get a few people to text more regularly so I can use social media less but it seems like too much of a hassle to them. Thankfully, my best friend probably dislikes social media more than I do so our friendship is lived out offline, albeit through texts since we're both in different countries at the moment.

I use the internet for work as well. I can't write or send in my work without the use of it. Although I sometimes wish I had something else to do, I do actually enjoy writing. It also seems to be what God wants me to continue doing. Trust me, there have been times when I've said, "God, what else can I do?" during Mass and an internal voice says, "Write. Just write" before I get a lot more writing work.

I'll admit that I envy those who have fuller lives offline, giving them excuses to avoid the use of it. I admire (and envy) my best friend and two other dear friends who are so busy with work (bestie) and their families (two other friends) that they don't have a lot of time to sit around to scroll through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I wish that were the case for me -- that I had other things going on that would give me an excuse to avoid it.

Actually, my time has been taken up by prayer and housework lately. I pray as many hours in the Divine Office and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. In fact, I took a break from writing this to pray Vespers. Do you know how long it takes me to get through all my morning prayers when I wake up -- and I do intentionally pray before I do anything else? Anywhere between half an hour to an hour, depending on how much I have to do and how asleep I am. If you think that's too long, think about how much time you spend scrolling through social media each morning. Yes, that's where I got my time to pray -- using social media less and using that time to pray in silence. Ditto with housework.

I enjoy the silence. I didn't always use to. In fact, silence made me uncomfortable. If I'm being completely honest, it still occasionally does. Sometimes I feel like I need to have an audiobook, a podcast, or some music on even when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Why is that? If I feel so overstimulated, why do I feel the need to fill the silent moments with more noise instead of just letting my mind simmer down in the silence? For those of you who feel burnt out and overstimulated by noise and social media, I ask the same questions. Think about them. Why do you add more when you already feel overwhelmed?

For me, it came down to the fact that it's because it's what I've been accustomed to... and what scared me. Most of us are used to having dozens of things going on at once. Most of us can't even read one book at a time; we need to have at least two going on at once. We have many tabs on our browsers open. We have our phones closely because of the FOMO and the addiction to those pesky notifications. We have music or something on in the background while we do just about anything in our waking hours.

I had one big question to ask myself as I embarked on this journey: What was I so afraid of that I needed to keep noise in my life at all times? I'm still not quite sure I know the full answer but I have a feeling that perhaps I've been afraid of hearing what God had to say to me.

I'm genuinely afraid that I won't have the strength or courage to do what God may call me to do. I fear that I'll just crumble under stress or discouragement if I fail to do what is asked of me. I did that with my vocation discernment for a long time. When I finally opened up myself to whatever God willed for me -- even if it was something that took me away from something I wanted to do -- the silence stopped bothering me as much. Opening up myself to His will and not my own helped... but I still occasionally have my moments of self-doubt and that's when I want to default to bringing in more noise into my life.

As a budding Benedictine Oblate, I've had to learn to use my time more purposefully; to not waste it away like I use to. I try to work AND pray in silence as much as possible. Think cleaning an apartment in which two adult women live is easy? Nope. It's neverending cleaning, cooking, and washing. Instead of waiting to clean one or two days a week, I try to do little bits every day. I try to do one thing at a time because my concentration is so horrendous from multitasking for most of my life; also done in silence since I've found that it helps with concentration. All of that silence and work adds up and that usually means I don't have much time for anything else before I have to (correction: choose to) shut my devices (iPod touch, iPhone, Kindle, laptop, TV, etc.) off.

As I try to keep up with the Divine Office AND the Little Office, I have less time to scroll aimlessly through social media. I turn off all social media and emails at 9:59 p.m. and don't pick them up again until the following day. If I don't feel tired enough to sleep at 10 p.m., I take out a book and read. I'm trying to "wean" myself off of using the Kindle at night, opting to use a booklight and read a physical book. I've had a weird sleeping schedule (anywhere between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.) for about two weeks now so I'm trying to see if that helps get my internal clock back on track.

In the morning, I don't touch anything that isn't part of my prayer routine. Most days lately, I don't even have time to go on social media until the afternoon because I spend most of the early morning hours praying or making breakfast or doing something else. It's a routine that I've been loving most days. Yes, some days are harder than others -- especially when I'm feeling more sociable -- but it's been what has best worked for me and my spiritual life.

It all comes back to God. I'm embracing silence to best hear Him, even if I fear I'll fail. I'm embracing the Benedictine spirituality because it's what's helped me grow in my spiritual life the most; what's helped my relationship with God. Yes, that sometimes means praying when I can be doing something else like sleeping or chatting online. I choose to pray before I do anything because I know that as soon as I check emails and/or social media, I won't be able to concentrate on the prayers. All of this is done as quietly and intentionally as possible.

My routine isn't perfect. Sometimes I will log into social media or hit the "email" app out of habit. Sometimes I will turn on the KUSC or Overdrive apps because silence is bothering me. When this happens, it usually means I need to stop and listen to what God may be trying to say to me. Still, I try and start over if I have to. That's better than giving up or not even trying in the first place.

Does anyone else have the occasional problem with silence? If so, have you figured out what has been causing it? If you've been able to break a social media habit or the habit to have continuous noise in your life, do you have any tips you can share?

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure a lot of what I wrote was me going around in circles or not making much sense but I needed to get it out as a way to hold myself accountable for continuing this routine. That and it's almost 8 p.m. and I haven't had dinner yet. Oops. Yet another thing that I will need to do that will cut into my social media time before 10 p.m. Darn. ;)

I hope you've all been having a lovely month so far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

What Happened During My Divine Office Experiment

Confession: I got sidetracked by my brother's visit which is why I didn't blog sooner. Sorry!

Ah, the Liturgy of the Hours. My former spiritual director thought it would be a good match for me and recommended I try it out. I have tried it... and it's never stuck. I got back into the rhythm of driving Mom to work in the wee morning hours so I figured that since I was up from 4 a.m. until 6-7 p.m. (and then up again at 9-10 p.m. to do nighttime prayers), I could get almost all of the hours in. 

I know I have the luxury of sleeping when I want and doing what I want with (most) of my time. I get up at 4 a.m. to drive Mom to work. Unable to fall back asleep immediately after, I have the chance to pray in the peace and quiet that accompanies the pre-dawn hours. There are no distractions... there is no noise... there is no worry about anything else. Sounds ideal, right?

Let me tell you why it didn't work for me as I was doing it: I got too overwhelmed.

I'm one of those "go big or go home" people. Moderation is hard for me; it's not something I was taught as a child and am having trouble with practicing as an adult. It works out in some situations but backfires in others... and this was one of those times when it backfired. Long story short: I got so caught up in doing the LOTH and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (which I love and have been doing for a couple of years now) that I started to sacrifice sleep when it finally hit (the sleepiness, I mean).

I kept saying, "No, I'll never get another chance to pray like this again, especially if God has a husband and family in store for me in the future. If this is going to stick, I need to get in the habit of it now. Besides, I want to be a Benedictine oblate and this is one of the things that's recommended we do." I thought that if I couldn't get through it, even for a couple of weeks, I would fail at being a Benedictine oblate. Oh, poor, sweet, not-too-bright Emmy. lol.

Okay, here's what I learned during this experiment: my perfectionist tendencies made the Divine Office completely overwhelming. Why? Because I tried to hit every hour, on the hour, on top of the other devotions I have (Little Office, Rosary, and the Angelus). It was too much, too soon. I didn't wade into the Divine Office; I took dove off into the deepest part forgetting I had a (metaphorically) weak limbs that couldn't help me to break the surface again. "Faithpalm," anyone?

This is what I decided to do: this week, I've let myself take a break from continuing the LOTH as I try to catch up on sleep. Okay, I don't actually have a choice when it comes to this because I've already missed two nights of prayers (Rosary included one of those days) because I'm so exhausted that I just sleep through the alarms from 6-7 p.m. until 3-4 a.m. the next morning. I need to sleep because without sleeping I cannot focus on the prayers; they just blur together and I go through the motions without actually focusing on what I've just read. Depending on how the rest of this week goes, I may also take the following week to try to get back into my regular sleeping schedule and then try the Divine Office once again.

New game plan: 

• Continue with the Little Office... but I'm not setting my alarms to hit every hour (6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m.). Instead, I have my usual alarm at 8-9 a.m. I'll try to pray Matins and Lauds (and depending on the hour I wake up, Prime or Terce) when I wake up. 
• Once I have that down (again), incorporate the Divine Office whilst reminding myself that as a future oblate, I'm not required to pray ALL the hours. I am a laywoman and I have things to do; though, ideally, I would like to be able to do all the hours. This one will be hard because of my perfectionist tendencies.

Has anyone else fallen into a similar pattern with the LOTH? Does anyone have any advice of how best to go about incorporating it into daily life... and/or not feeling bad about having "so much time" yet not being able to pray all the hours? Your suggestions would be most welcomed!

Alright, that's it for now. I have several days of emails to catch up on and want to get to them while everything is nice and quiet at Casa Emmy.

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When the Obstacles Seem Insurmountable...

Lately, my life has been one long journey through a dark, stormy abyss. Think of Atreyu's journey in The Neverending Story. Instead of letting the Swamp of Sadness swallow me whole (R.I.P. Artax the horse), I've been doing what I can to keep myself afloat but it hasn't been easy.

As your regular blog readers know, it's been a hard time for my family. Between financial difficulties and a number of other problems (across the board; not just limited to Mom and me), it's been a long string of stresses.

I'm the one who keeps the household budget (I'm good with numbers and puzzles/conundrums) so I know the most about how bad our situation is. I try to cut out unnecessary expenses and try to figure out where we can save and where we simply cannot skimp. With random things popping up (e.g. unexpected car repairs), I'm constantly trying to figure out where we can come up with the money and what needs to wait until next month. It's a gigantic headache (sometimes literal) that I deal with at least twice a week.

Having no car has meant no confession or Mass. The nearest parish doesn't have Saturday confession and -- when it does offer confession -- it's too late in the day to safely walk to and from it so that makes going to confession hard as well. I hope to get my car back later today... and that the financial strain isn't too bad. We had to put off getting it repaired for a month (I've basically been stuck at home since mid-April) because we simply had no spare money that wasn't put aside for necessities. I got it towed to our mechanic's garage on Tuesday and I'm expecting a call at some point today to let me know the extent of the damage to our meager monthly savings. Please say a prayer it doesn't go over the halfway point of the triple digits because we won't be able to afford that.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it through x, y, z (because things happen in multiples, not one at a time) with my sanity intact. Worries on top of worries on top of worries. It's like an endless cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes all of these things also affect my spiritual life. If I'm not careful, the devil knows exactly how and when to attack. Not having been able to go to Mass and confession has only added to the hardships. I don't know why but I have a feeling that going to confession and receiving the Eucharist will somehow help. I'm not being superstitious; it's just a gut feeling that I have.

Thankfully, the consecration preparation, holy water, and my prayer life have helped... big time.

Every morning I do the Consecration to Mary prayer ("My queen, my mother, I give myself entirely to thee..."), which was recommended by one of our local FSSP priests when he came over to pray for me the day after my car accident a couple of years ago. Then I read the daily Mass readings, use the reflections sent to my inbox by Bishop Robert Barron and Blessed Is She. Then I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. During my consecration preparation, I've added the daily reflections in the 33 Days to Morning Glory book to this routine.

I also pray a variety of novenas, prayers, and/or the Rosary and the Rosary confraternity prayer throughout the day but, more often than not, I do them at night with my nighttime routine. Again, I use the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary and examine my conscience before I call it a night. If there is something I missed doing in the morning (e.g. consecration preparation or daily Mass readings), I will also do it at this time.

I make use of the holy water we were given by one of our local FSSP priests (when he's been over to the house to bless it for Epiphany) throughout the day. In the morning, before I leave the house (especially if I have to drive), at night... if I feel like I need it, I will use it.

I think I'm so used to my routine -- used to trying to cling to my faith during these times of chaos -- that if I miss something at some point, I feel more vulnerable in a way. Not to the point of superstition, scrupulosity, or anything like that. I just tend to notice any deviation from my routine... and it's this routine that helps remind me that I shouldn't be egocentric.

It's so easy to get caught up in your worries. I've personally found myself being pulled more into my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own hardships. I don't like that I think more about myself and what is going on with me than about others and/or about God... but it's hard. And, okay, I know some of my good friends are currently ready to file a formal protest for having said that -- I've even had priests tell me I'm too hard on myself -- but I truly feel selfish during these times and I don't like it. I think that's why I hold onto my prayer routine very closely; it's a good reminder that whatever I'm going through is not up to me to "fix."

Sometimes these obstacles seem insurmountable. That's when I have to remember that God is ultimately in charge of everything, not me. Never have the words "Jesus, I Trust In You" been uttered as much as they have in this household before. Never has putting my money where my mouth is been as important as it has been in recent weeks/month. Never have I have challenged in every way as I have lately.

1 Peter 5:7-10 has resonated so much as it has during these trials... especially when I was asked to wait to become a Benedictine oblate; to "revisit this in a couple of months to make sure this is what (I) really want." The evil one knows that this is what I most wanted lately and I won't let the small obstacle get and keep me down.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it feels like the walls are caving in around me. Yes, it oftentimes feels like things will never get better; that this is just what my life is going to be like from now on -- one bad thing after another. Yet, Scripture (and the saints) says otherwise. The only thing I can do is trust that God will get me through it and that He will give me the courage, the strength, and whatever graces are necessary to get through this time.

I don't see an end to all I've been enduring lately but I think about the heavenly reward that awaits if only I would get my act straight and that's enough to keep me going; to keep me fighting against temptations. It's hard. Some days I just feel like laying in bed and sleeping all day. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. Most importantly, I know that God has my back and that's worth everything.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts lately.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend as well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Unplanned Craziness

Lent has not been easy... and we're only 5 days into it (not counting Sunday).

On Ash Wednesday I was hit with something that had me in bed all day and didn't let me get out of the house until Friday. That means I didn't get ashes... nor did I attend Mass or go to confession. I also hadn't planned on eating chicken on Fridays but my diet is so restricted (I felt terrible on Thursday after unintentionally fasting and getting no protein that day) and I've been sick so I had no choice. I had been looking forward to doing it all "right" but, well, we can't always plan these things to work out in our favor.

From Saturday through Sunday, I traveled. Mom and I went down to San Diego and crossed the border into Tijuana on Saturday. The reason for this was because I had some dental work to be done. We have a family friend who is a dentist and when she heard how much they were charging me (out of pocket) Stateside, she told me to go down and she'd take care of it for me. It turns out I didn't even need one of the root canals the dentists here were pushing... and, really, there was a lot that I thought I needed but didn't actually need. In fact, I didn't even get a single root canal done; she just repaired the chipped molar and did other things that dentists here didn't want to do but were necessary because of how fragile my health has been. (Those were her own words; they were putting me at a greater risk for refusing to fill a big cavity and the chipped molar.) It took us nearly 2 hours just to cross the border (by car) back into the States on Saturday night and then we slept for a couple of hours before we had to get up to get the train back to L.A.

What was supposed to be a day trip turned out to be a 2-day trip because we didn't want to get home after 1 a.m. on Sunday. Two women by themselves, in our part of the county? Um, no, thank you. I'm grateful for Amtrak because I only slept 2 hours on Saturday and 6 on Sunday. Being able to sleep on the train was lovely, even if my neck was hating me at the end of both trips. Also, because of the change of plans, we ended up missing Mass yesterday. We arrived home around 10 a.m. but I crashed after I ate breakfast. I hadn't eaten well on Saturday (and only had about half of the daily recommended water intake) so my body (still recovering from the cold and what hit on Wednesday) needed to crash. Even for evening Mass, I wasn't sure if I would've been okay to drive with my slight lightheadedness and my new toothache (which lasted about 36 hours). I kept drifting in and out of sleep for most of yesterday. I think I may need all of this week for my body and mind to recover. It's an INFP and/or HSP thing, I'm sure.

In between all of that crazy, I failed to pray the Saturday morning prayers in the Little Office and the chaplet of the Divine Mercy before the day ended. I actually fell asleep while praying the last decade of the Rosary on Saturday night. I've also failed to do any of the meditations in my Blessed is She prayer journal... and doing any reading in either Introduction to the Devout Life or Roses Among Thorns, both by St. Francis de Sales.

I've done okay with staying off social media, with the exception being yesterday when I had to log into Facebook to change my password because someone else had logged into it and on Saturday afternoon when I logged into Instagram just to get that location stamp stating that I was at the U.S.-Mexico International Border. I didn't check anything else; I simply changed the password for FB and logged out of Instagram once I had the location stamp on it. I do miss social media, especially Instagram, but I've been able to do a lot without getting lost in the scrolling.

As for giving up talking, it's been hit and miss. I hope that it'll be better now that I'm on Spring Break (early, I know) and the craziness of the trip and having to study for this past weekend's exam (I passed despite only studying for less than a day!) has passed. We do have something special planned this weekend (our young adult group is doing something lovely for Lent) and I know that these people all inspire me to be more mindful of what I say so it'll be good for me.

Do any of you have a hard time getting back on track when your plans get super derailed like mine did over the past couple of days? If so, any tips on what could help get it back on track? I've been struggling with studying (seriously, I had only 1 day to study and memorize for Saturday's exam over the course of 3 weeks due to a number of things that popped up) and now I'm struggling with simply taking some time to pray during the day. Hopefully, I can figure out something during this week of "vacation"... though I don't know how much I'll actually rest because the end of the week is looking crazy busy again. Honestly, sometimes I think God is saying "No, you're still doing too much. Slow down and take care of yourself" when I get this busy.

Anyway, I should get going. I'm still feeling a bit lightheaded (not sure if it's lack of fluids, too much sleep, or an effect from Saturday's dinner when they accidentally added cheese to my plate... after I had explained that I was allergic) and I want to rest for a little while in hopes that I'm well enough to go pick up Mom from work a little later.

I hope y'all are having a good Lent thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 14: Music and Life Edition

-- 1 --

I've been on a new music kick lately. There are two songs that I can't get enough of. The first is by Little Mix and it's called "Little Me." It's basically a female empowerment song that isn't in-your-face "feminism". It's a "you're beautiful, no matter what others say" / "don't let anyone put you down" kind of song that I always enjoy listening to. Here's the great video for it:

-- 2 --

The second is "Invisible" by Hunter Hayes. As someone who was bullied in school (part of where my PTSD comes from) and was an outcast in school for being "weird" (because I liked music, movies, and things others didn't), the lyrics hit close to home. I think it's a beautiful song. Here's the lyric video for the song:

-- 3 --

After the Great Music Purge of 2014 (740+ songs; 3.52 GB worth deleted off of my laptop), I decided to go through all my songs and pick and choose which ones I wanted on my iPod. Yes, I normally rotate songs in and out throughout the year. Anyway, while going through the songs, I was once again enamored with the Tord Gustavsen Trio's albums The Ground and Being There. I'll include a video but, uh, I don't expect any of you to like it. (warning: it's Norwegian jazz).

-- 4 --

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness." - Katherine Henson.

I saw this quote on tumblr yesterday and immediately liked it. I feel like I get so much crumbs for being "too softhearted" and "too nice, Jane Bennet." Yes, some of my friends call me "Jane" after Pride and Prejudice's Jane Bennet because I can be "too nice" and people will take advantage of that. Anyway, this was nice to see; sort of "girl, you be you and don't let the haters tell you otherwise."

-- 5 --

I've been writing a lot of snail letters in the past two days. And by a lot I mean five letters. lol. I fell a little behind during the holidays but now I'm getting back to either replying to letters others have sent me or writing just because. I love having pen pals so it's always fun for me to write to them. And to show how diverse my friends are are: one is a priest, one is a professional photographer, one is a deployed soldier (and one-time guest blogger on this blog), one is a substitute teacher, and the other is young college student. Each letter is going to a different state (and/or country). God bless snail mail!

-- 6 --

If you've noticed that I've been online less in the last couple of days, it's because it's true. I've been trying to get my sleeping schedule on track (read: 10 p.m. sleep time and 4:30 a.m. wake up time; I don't even know who I am anymore, lol) and getting a better grasp at time management so a break from the social networking world has been a must. I have less than 3 months to go before I return to school so I need to make sure I'm ready for it. Intense summer program (and program in general) means a change for the better.

-- 7 --

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for Lent, which is a month-ish away. I will once again be using the St. Therese book I used last year but I think I want to add another one to it. Maybe Finding God's Will For You by St. Francis de Sales or maybe I'll just save up and buy the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary instead of using the version in the iPieta app. I am, for sure, limiting my time on social networks (maybe an hour per day). I'll be on vacation for part of Lent so we shall see what else I can come up with. ;)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that's it for now. My life is quite boring but now you know what I've been up to. :)

I hope you've all been having a great week and that you have an excellent weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

What I Learned Wednesday #20: "Traddie" Edition

Before I get any crumbs from anyone:

1) I don't like putting labels on Catholicism (okay, fine, I like using "orthodox" -- small o) but for this post I'll use "traddie" to mean fans of pre-OF Mass/Vatican II (I can feel some of you cringing) Catholicism.

2) Yes, I'm a "traddie" in the sense that I love wearing a mantilla, attending daily Mass, prefer using the Douay-Rheims Bible, think Latin Mass is wonderful (yes, I've attended), and adore Gregorian chant. See how I keep using "traddie" with quotations? Yeah, don't hate.

And now this week's (quick) WILW items.

1) Did y'all know that there is an online bookstore that carries only traditional Catholic books? Oh yeah!! I was very excited to find Baronius Press Ltd. I think I'm even more excited to finally find a good copy of the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary, which I pray daily. I was enrolled in the Brown Scapular last year; I take my commitments seriously and reading the Little Office is amongst the requirements. ;) I can't tell you how many books that I have been wanting (but couldn't find good copies of) have made it onto my Christmas and birthday wishlist. For the record, a gentle reminder that my half-birthday is coming up next month. Just putting it out there in case my brother stumbles onto this post. lol. ;)

2) I found a great tumblr blog named Trad Catholic Problems that has some awesome memes. My top three memes at the moment are:







Okay, I can't relate to the last one (though I would totally do it!!) but definitely the first two. I have gotten comments of thinking myself holier than others (and other not so nice comments; hello, CINO college survivor, err, graduate) for wearing a mantilla. Seriously, I just think it's a beautiful tradition; covering our heads as a sign of respect towards our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. If it was good enough for my paternal grandmother (whom everyone says I take after), it's good enough for me. Also, I fangirl every time I see nuns wearing their habits at Mass, at the grocery store, or even at Disneyland.

3) I didn't learn this but I still haven't figured out why there's such a fuss made when a young Catholic (especially fellow Millennials) say they like "traditional" Catholicism. As I mentioned earlier, I love a lot of "traddie" things. This doesn't mean that I think of myself as holier or superior to others. Some of my fondest childhood memories include attending Mass with my mantilla-wearing paternal grandmother (may God rest her soul) in the small town where my dad was raised in. My prized possession is the mantilla my father bought for me only 4 months before he passed. I wish I could attend Latin Mass more often but the nearest parish that offers it weekly, St. Therese in Alhambra, is a bit of a drive for me and I have yet to get comfortable driving on the freeways. I think Venerable Fulton Sheen is fantastic. I hate clapping in Mass. I like my Masses solemn. These are just my preferences.

There is a rise in numbers that are preferring this "route." Latin Mass attending, "bead rattling", communion via tongue only Catholics, especially amongst those in our 20s and early 30s, are even gaining momentum in Los Angeles from what I've seen in my circle of friends and acquaintances. I don't have a link on hand (the one with the actual stats) but I'll post it when I find it. Anyway, someone please tell me what's so shocking about this. Please. Some of us are just drawn to it; no need to make a stink about it.

I was so not in the mood to blog (I want to get back to my book!) but I decided to take one for the team and write this quick post. By the way, I don't know which team. I just wanted to use the idiom. ;)

Alright, it's cold and raining (read: perfect book reading, tea drinking weather) so I'm going to enjoy it while we have it. I am seriously loving learning about all the married saints and blesseds and have been trying to do everything early so I have more time to read. So many saints I didn't know existed but have amazing and inspiring stories. :D

I hope you're all having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

*Gasp* There's Life Offline!

I have been Facebook free since Saturday and I honestly don't miss it one bit. I tried opening up Spotify today and it automatically reactivated my Facebook account... against my wishes. I immediately deactivated it again because, really, I've been so happy without that darn thing. I'm sharing this little fact in case any of you have your FB profiles connected to Spotify and want to deactivate your FB accounts later on. I'm going to have to create a separate account (and, sigh, start over on my novel playlists) but I'd rather do that than keep Facebook up.

Well, what do you know? There's life offline! I know. I can't believe it either. ;) I actually made a "to-do" list for this month to make sure I always had something to do at all times. I'm the kind of person who doesn't "do" being lazy (hey, time wasting online was still doing something, lol) so I am glad I gave myself a list of things to do. At last count, there were 48 items on the list and 17 had been crossed off. Of course the list will grow as I cross things off of the list and find new things to add to it.

One thing I learned from my time away from most social networks (I've been spending less time on Twitter, too) and from making my list is that my priorities prior to the change were horribly out of whack. I was spending less time in prayer, less time doing things I really needed to do (I'm playing catch-up on a couple of things right now), and more time procrastinating and, well, fitting the stereotype of the lazy Millennial. While I actually did work and ran the household (errands, budget, care of, etc), I was still not taking advantage of the precious time I currently have. After all, this is the first time I've had time to myself and this won't last forever if my vocation is of wife and mother. Making my list and really spending time offline has put things back into perspective for me.

I've added prayer to my day in the form of praying both the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary AND the Liturgy of the Hours. I was previously only doing the Little Office but I have found that I get the most out of doing both. Once I get my schedule back on track (sleeping hours are currently messed up) and can do the two without scrambling on time, I will add the Rosary and Chaplet of the Divine Mercy back into my routine. With the amount of free time I currently have, I can definitely do it. It's just going to take some getting used to. I've already figured out that I can do the Rosary and Chaplet while driving every day but I won't do it all at once. Baby steps. :)

What else have I achieved in 4 days of no Facebook and little time online?
- Hung up curtain rods and heat blocking curtains
- Written and mailed a couple of snail mail letters
- Paid off bills and student loan either on time or super early
- Really gotten in touch with friends I was "in touch" with on FB
- Done a couple of favors for neighbors
- Helped mom achieve something she's talked about for years
- etc etc.

It doesn't seem like much but it's little victories that remind me that, like cable (which I don't miss either; 5 months cable-free!), Facebook was completely unnecessary. I'm really much happier and stress-free, which was the whole point of the deactivation. I'm not saying that I won't miss it at all but I definitely have things that remind me that I made the right decision.

So that's my little update on how things are going sans Facebook. It's still early but so far so good and, bonus!, I've gotten a chance to use hammers and screwdrivers, which I love. Yes, I not-so-secretly love assembling things and doing home projects. Okay, and maybe I love tinkering around the car as well. I am my father's daughter after all. ;)

That's it for now. I'm trying to stay offline as much as possible, especially with my anxiety not being the best for the past week and a half. I'm going to try to come up with three things for tomorrow's "What I Learned Wednesday" post (yes, I am still doing those; it's on my list) and try to cross at least three more things off of my list before I hit the hay. ;)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and are having a fab week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Start of New Routine; Struggle with Spiritual Dryness

I don't know about y'all but I always start off a new routine with a lot of energy... and somewhere along the way (of the first week), I feel like crashing and burning because I tried to make too many changes at once. I have to remind myself that new routines take a while to get used to. I was used to getting up at 4 in the morning to drive my mother to work, five days a week, prior to my vacation. Now I'm used to waking up at 8-9 a.m. every morning. Since my vacation officially ends today, I have to get back to my old routine which, to be honest, is not at all appealing. Who wants to get up at 4 a.m.? No one. lol. But I know that I must so I just give in to the fact and try to do it with as much energy (despite some cranky mornings) as possible. This isn't the only change I'm making either.

As many of you know, I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary but I don't stick to the schedule as well as I should. Sure, I do the "most important ones" (Prime and Vespers) without fail (unless I am so sick that I accidentally sleep right through the times). Most days I can get Terce, Compline, and Matins done (yes, I like to do it old school) but I fail with Sext and None. A couple of nights ago I wrote on this blog's FB page:

"Going through spiritual dryness, you never know how or when you're going to get out. Though I still feel stuck in it, it's much less. I thank God for putting the right person (at the right time) in my path because they are inspiring me to change a lot of things... and consequently renewing interest in certain faith related things.

P.S. If anyone is going through this, you're not alone. St. Teresa of Avila and St. Therese of Lisieux both struggled through it."

To be honest, I still feel like I'm barely getting out of the dryness. I will actually tackle this subject on its own soon. However, as I wrote, I was inspired by someone to stick to doing the Little Office like anyone would keep (or try to keep) the Liturgy of the Hours. It was also suggested in The Temperament God Gave You for my particular temperament (Phlegmatic-Sanguine representing) that, besides the Liturgy of the Hours (or Little Office in my case), the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet would be good to keep in regular practice. While, of course, speaking to my spiritual advisor would be best, I'm going to start off keeping a more regular prayer schedule until the next time I see him. Side note: Just because I know my vocation doesn't mean I don't still need direction now and then. ;)
Anyway, which I am totally excited to feel less spiritual dryness, I have to make myself a note (possibly on a post-it) to remind myself of two things: 1) to not add too many things at once and 2) to not get discouraged if it takes me awhile to get the hang of this new routine.

My work schedule is going to have to be more discipline than before. While it's true that as a freelance writer I make up my own schedule, I have to really stick to it. That means going back to my restricted time on social networks and planning out everything in advance so that I can make the most out of work and my spiritual life. All I have to focus on are those two things but I don't want to get too caught up in either (especially not work). School and vocation are on the backburner until I get accepted somewhere (for the grad school part) and until God decides that it's the right time for me to focus on my vocation as a future wife and mother.  

Anyway, just wanted to share this before my vacation ends. Sigh. Two and a half weeks of vacation, you will be missed but we shall see each other again in December for the holidays. ;) Now back to listening to The Chieftains' Voice of Ages album, enjoy a bit of The Voice (fan of the show) and then read before bed. :D May this new routine go well. *crosses fingers*

I hope you all had a great weekend and have a wonderful week as well. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

What I Learned Wednesday #7

Instead of going off on a rant about how my neighbors are gossiping busybodies who are currently using my health and Sunday's E.R. trip to spread more rumours (my biggest pet peeve; I detest gossip and people prying into my private life), I decided to put my energies into writing this post early on today. *deep breath* Out with the bad. Okay. Let's do this.

1) Well, I made it through two Sunday (well, one Sunday and one Saturday Vigil) Masses in a row. Yes! This is the first time I've been able to do so in months. My stomach problems (going on 6 months now... wow) have kept me from it but I've been fighting back. I found that attending confessions at one parish (closest one with Saturday confessions), coming home to get something to eat, and then heading to our home parish for Saturday Vigil Mass works best for me. Last Saturday was also the first time I had been able to receive the Eucharist in a long time. I cried tears of joy when I did and thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to do so. You know how much you love the Eucharist and that feeling of being able to receive it until you are unable to. The Luminous Mysteries prayers in the 54 Day Rosary Novena have us focus on and ask for the petition of love for the Eucharist and it has certainly made me more aware of what a blessing it is. I've done the novena two times before but never has this particular mystery impacted me more than it has this time around. I even noticed how calm I was when I was taken to the E.R. (it was a combo of stomach problems, anxiety, and perhaps a bit of dehydration since I was given an I.V.) and even, when I was by myself and had nothing to do but recuperate and think, calmly looked up and said "God, I will do your will. Use me as you wish." I'm basically learning to trust God more and let my own anxieties go (which, any person with anxiety and panic disorder will tell you, is hard to do when you're worried about what may happen to you).

2) I've also noticed something about my prayer life. Since I have started properly praying The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary my prayer life and faith has greatly improved. When I mean properly I mean doing it at the assigned hours (much like the Liturgy of the Hours). A lot of the worries and stresses I had don't seem that important anymore. It's not easy to keep up with the prayers, especially after long nights that lead to waking up late, but I've been making an honest effort to keep it up. I've also been doing the pre-Vatican II prayers instead of the ones from post-Vatican II and I've found that I prefer them because of the language. I'm someone who appreciates language (hi, I write for a living) and I feel more centered and connected with the "old fashioned" language than I do with the modern version. Some people might find some things in the prayers "harsher" (because of how strong -- but not profane -- some readings are) but I know it's definitely kept me thinking more about my words and actions during the day. You have to get out of the "it's all about me" mentality my generation is plagued with and think more about doing His will.

3) I've been catching up with the Catechism in a Year emails and have found them more fulfilling than the two years at my CINO college alma mater. By far. Let me get this bit of sarcasm out of the way: 'cause you know, why on earth would a "Catholic" college teach Catholicism? That's crazy talk! Pfft. lol. Okay, now that that's out of the way, I'm happy to say that a lot of things I believed have been affirmed instead of being told I was wrong, close minded, or hearing that the Church is this and that. There were a couple of times in which I was reminded of a lecture in which a professor said the opposite and it made me laugh... and cringe. I am sure these things are still being taught and I'm sorry I'm not there to at least put up some kind of fight. In the homily this past weekend, Fr. Timothy talked about the gifts we were each given. When he said "maybe you have the gift of writing" something in me moved. I am not saying that I have a gift of writing or of words but it's my preferred way of communicating. During the rest of the homily I thought about how to best use the gifts I've been given and how to use it for good. Since I've been on writing roll (freelance assignments, novel, etc) lately, I've been thinking that it would be a good time to start that book about my experiences at the CINO college. It will definitely be easier to write than my novel (which I am still editing; it's the never ending edit-a-thon). I've cut down my leisure time (well, I've cut out wasting time watching shows I am not interested in, playing online games, etc but have increased my reading time) so I have the time. We'll see. ;)

And this is officially much longer than I anticipated. Sorry! You know my excuse: I'm a writer... I love to write. lol. I haven't written in a week so, you know, I'm making up for loss time? lol.

Anyway, I should go finish cleaning my room (which isn't that bad but still) and make myself some lunch before I continue with my freelance writing assignments. I hope to have them published soon-ish. I will provide the links to the website where they'll be published as they become available. :)

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. Don't forget to send me your prayer requests if you have any. :D Oh! And if you write a #WILW post, let me know and I'll edit this post with your own links. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless.

What I Learned Wednesday #3

If you're following me on twitter or have "liked" the blog's FB page, then you know why I haven't been blogging and/or online much. Basically, I had computer and internet issues for 9 days. Last week's #WILW post was miraculously posted. lol. I'm actually having battery problems again (ugh, I just got a new AC adapter, c'mon now!) so this will be relatively short compared to the other posts.

 1) I found out that the pre-Vatican II version of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary is on the iPieta app I installed on my iPod touch a long time ago. I was worried that I would not be able to pray it since I was using a webpage to pray the post-Vatican II version but it took some browsing on my prayer apps (yes, plural) to find it. I've also come to realize that I prefer it to the revised version. Even with the "thee", "thou", and "thy" (which, nerd alert, I don't mind), I think it's better. I find that the language makes the prayers and meditations easier than the modernized version. I appreciate what the Lord has done for me more and I find myself less likely to be distracted. I still want to get myself a book of The Little Office but I am very glad that I have the app in the meantime.

 2) I've been doing a couple of novenas, including one to St. Dymphna and the Christmas novena. I've been using a novena booklet I got at the local Pauline Books and Media for the St. Dymphna novena. It's unlike other novenas I've done. Much like the Little Office, there are morning and evening prayers. The morning prayers have me reflect on my petitions as well as reminding me to place all my trust and anxieties onto God and the evening prayers have me examine my conscience, ask for forgiveness, and give thanks to God for what He has provided for me. Basically, I am more conscious of my actions (what I have done and what I have failed to do) as well as what I usually overlook (i.e. a roof over my head, food in my belly, etc). I've been keeping y'all with anxiety, depression, and other mental afflictions in my novena prayers, whether you asked for them or not. ;) As for the Christmas novena, I have been praying the prayer since St. Andrew's feast day but I'm on day four of the actual novena as posted on EWTN's website. I am in love with the reflections and prayer. They remind me of what my dad used to focus on when he was younger (or, at least, what he told me of his time in Mexico).

3) I saw this picture on tumblr and it got me thinking about how when we pray, we occasionally give God deadlines. I've done it before (though now I just say "if it's your will" and patiently wait) and I know some people still do it. I think we often forget that, when we pray, we are asking God for something which may or may not be the best choice for us. Sometimes our prayers don't get answered in the way we ask because He has something better planned for us. We (our modern society) are so used to getting what we want, when we want, and it's hard for us to slow down. Since Advent is a time for us to slow down and reflect, I think this is appropriate.

I have a meeting via Google Hangout (God bless modern technology) in a couple of hours so I'm going to go try to figure out why the laptop battery isn't charging. Again.

I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. If you'd like to participate, please leave your link below. :D I'm leaving it up until 3 a.m. PST because of some friends in Hawaii. Giving y'all a chance. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Mama Mary Highs and Earthly Mama Lows

So, I haven't written in a couple of days because of everything that's been going on. It's so much to get into but I will try to keep it as "in a nutshell" as I possibly can. As the title says, I've experienced Mama Mary highs and earthly mama lows.

If you're following me on twitter then you've seen that I have been crazy stressed. After having seven of the most unnecessary drama-filled days, I've come to appreciate everything even more. First, let's start with the bad. I just want to get that out of the way so I can focus on the good.

I feel like I'm going through Dad: the Sequel with mom. Thankfully it's not cancer but we've had a bit of a health scare in the last couple of days. Yesterday we received a call from her doctor that we needed to go to the hospital for some meds because my mom had high cholesterol and apparently her arteries were getting clogged. Well, I learned what the meds were, on my own, before we actually knew what they were for. They just told my mom that is was absolutely URGENT (yes, in caps to emphasize their exaggeration) to immediately go the hospital. And I think something about her heart being in trouble was mentioned but the details are now a little fuzzy since I went into panic mode when I saw my mother's face fall as she repeated the news she got. I quickly looked up her prescription online before we left (thank you, Kaiser, for the availability of patient records and prescriptions online) and saw it was for cholesterol and the opening of arteries due to cholesterol.

We went, got the meds, and came back home. She took the meds (and, I have to say, I have no idea why the meds were given; her cholesterol has been higher in the past) and she woke up sick. Then it got worse. It got so bad that she had to call me from work to contact her doctor. If you know my mother (or have seen my tweets about her) then you know it has to be serious for her to actually want to go to the hospital or contact the doctor. Like, "I'm dying" bad. Panic mode, round two. Dizziness, headache, achy muscles, pain in her hips, etc. Called the doctor, couldn't get a hold of her. And, actually, two calls later and we're still waiting. Needless to say, mom won't be taking the meds anymore (sorry, doc)... especially after her co-workers (she works at a convalescent hospital) checked her blood work results and told her that meds were completely unnecessary and a little too high for her. So, basically, all of this stress and chaos could've been avoided. Great. Thanks, y'all. ;)

After what I went through with my dad (seven years of cancer), I've become a bit of a worrywart when it comes to illnesses... especially when it comes to my mother. She's my only parent left (and my only family member who won't be moving away from the West Coast in the next couple of weeks) so... you know... I worry. Also, after seeing how badly the meds messed my dad up, I am wary of them in general. I try to take a holistic approach when sick. Also, even though I jokingly (yet not so jokingly) call mama a modern day Mrs. Bennet, I still love her and seeing her suffer makes me miserable. Of course, this is all drama but something wonderful has also happened.

On Monday, mama and I went to our confessor (yes, we have the same one) and we asked him to enroll us in the Brown Scapular. I've worn one before but was never enrolled and I'd been wanting to do it for a couple of years now. I could never find a priest to do it (or, really, had the guts to ask in the beginning of my reversion) but I finally bit the bullet and did it. And I'd like to thank all the attacks (spiritual and otherwise) I went through this past weekend because it really gave me the push to actually do it. It was done in Spanish (so my mother could understand) and it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. I've been doing the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary morning (first time when I wake up) and evening (I'll be doing it as soon as I finish this post)... and I feel so wonderfully serene despite everything that is going on. Knowing that I have my Heavenly Mother protecting me and looking out for me (and for my earthly mama) is wonderful. If you haven't done it yourself, look into it because I highly recommend it.

Anyway, this post is getting awfully long and I have books to read. Depressingly it's not for school (hi, academic nerd here) but they are for review so, you know, gotta try to finish 'em. :)

I hope you have all had a great week thus far... or, at least, better than mine. :D If you have any prayer requests, please let me know. I would be more than happy to offer up any unpleasantness or pray the Rosary for you. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D