Why I Decided to Share This Decision With You

I wasn't going to do it. I was going to wait until I was finished to drop the big surprise on everyone. On this blog, I've talked about a "new chapter" and a new long-time project but very few (we're talking probably a handful of) people knew what I was talking about it. Then last week happened and God made me see that I'd made my decision to not say anything partly out of fear of failing horribly and partly due to pride. What a prideful moment I would've had in telling y'all that I (God willing) finished something this big. However, I could feel God telling me, "Share it. You could use the prayers. No lady is an island." So, here it goes...

I returned to Utah State to finish my second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education late last month. It was not a decision I made on a whim nor one that I took lightly. As some of you may remember, I felt like I had no clarity about what I was meant to do with my life at that time. When I made the decision to take a leave of absence in early May, I thought I was done. I thought I wasn't going to return to finish the degree... yet something in me didn't want me to leave the school completely. I asked for some time off while I figured things out. I didn't want to burden myself with more student loans and I had a slew of other reasons to not continue... except that I had one good reason to continue: it seems to be what God is calling me to do.

I actually took nearly an entire month to be sure that it was what God was calling me to do. I did a couple of novenas but the one that really gave me a huge result was the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena Mom and I made for both my health and my clarity of mind since both were answered within a week of each other.

It started with getting those amazing health results towards the end of May. Then I had this big "Eureka!" moment during which I felt like God opened my eyes. I was honest with myself about what I wanted; what I felt called to do. It was when I honestly said (and told some of my closest friends) that I felt like my future will be me focusing on my family and not so much a career that I figured everything else out. In order to do what I feel called to do, I need to pay off my student loans... and what better way to do that than with a career that is in demand, especially for someone who is fluent in both English and Spanish? Not only that, I will learn to work with children, with whom I don't have a lot of experience with since most of my friends have moved away and I don't get a lot of time with my nieces and/or nephews.

I forgot who said it -- possibly St. Francis de Sales or Bl. PGF -- but I remember reading a saint's own words about how sometimes we need to do what feels like a chore in order to be able to get to what we feel called to do. St. Therese of Lisieux had to wait a while before she could enter the convent. Other saints have had to do other things before they were able to begin fulfilling their vocations. I am no saint (though I aspire to be one someday) but knowing that those much holier than I have had to wait and have had to do work they didn't want to do (and offer it up along the way) in order to achieve their goal made me want to push forward.

I'm not going to pretend that my career path was chosen solely out of selflessness because that would be dishonest. Don't get me wrong, I actually like this career path. I initially chose it because I wanted to help children with speech impediments and it's still a big reason why I'm going forward. I enjoy giving the Goldman-Fristoe Test of Articulation (probably my favorite thing to do in the assessment process). The big kid in me loves being able to incorporate play (like, actual boardgames and toys) into therapy sessions that help a child learn how to speak more clearly. I loved my little group of 3 to 5-year-old little guys when I did some of my observation hours at a private practice. However, I also know that the (current) biggest motivator is being able to pay off my student loans. It may make me sound terrible but that's the honest answer. I love the path God has me on now... but I'm working on something greater than a career.

I still believe that God is calling me to be a wife and mother someday. It is still a dream of mine to educate my future children at home if it's God's will. I don't feel like I'm called to make speech-language pathology a long-term career (I feel like God has other plans in store for me in the future; plans that involve writing and/or being a speaker) so I won't be pursuing a Master's in this field. Once I finish this degree and do my state-mandated hours for my license, I'm calling time on my academic career. I do, however, feel like this is where God wants me right now so I'm just going to go forward and see what else God has in store for me in the future.

I wasn't lying when I said this was a new chapter for me. It is a new chapter since I'm doing things much differently this time around. I'm not ashamed to say that I have disability accommodations due to my PTSD. These accommodations allow me to get extra time on my exams so that I don't have a panic attack and blank out during exams. Oh, yes, that's been happening since I started the program 3 years ago; the little time we're given during exams trigger the fight or flight response in me. The memories of teachers (yes, teachers) and fellow students harassing me in front of everyone will always be in the back of my mind when I start feeling anxious/trapped in something school-related so the extra time allows me to take a moment to breathe and relax so I can continue taking the exam without worrying about not finishing it on time. I already witnessed how helpful it was when I did my first big exam this past weekend. I didn't do as well as I would've liked but, considering how poorly I felt (I had slept almost all day the day before and the day of the exam), I'm grateful for the grade I received and for the extra time which helped me focus on the big essay portion of the exam which was worth the most points.

Yes, I'm re-taking a class for the third time (y'all should see how many of us are repeating this one particular course) and that's humbling but that's okay. I needed to be humbled after how proud I was of my past academic successes. Perhaps that's why I also felt called to share this with y'all; to make sure I didn't fall back into that pride... and because, yes, I will need all the prayers I can get this and next semester.

This semester I'm taking three courses: the second and third hardest courses in the program (the hardest course is scheduled for the Spring semester) along with another one. I'm already incredibly overwhelmed by the amount of work and the amount of memorization I've had to do in the first couple of weeks. It didn't help that I was out of it for three straight days -- the entire weekend -- when I had my first big exam which made it difficult to recall the lectures I'd watched and the notes I'd taken. This is going to be a tough road -- one that I hope to finish (with a completed degree) in late April-early May (depending on when my final exams are scheduled).

As I told God before my exam on Friday night, I won't insult Him by asking Him to perform miracles if I don't put the effort to study myself. I'm not going to say "Oh, please let me pass... even if I don't study." No. That's why I've accepted my 64% on my first exam. I wasn't able to study as I would've liked, partly due to procrastination and some distractions but also because I've been sick. However, I do have the motivation to do and finish well now that I've gotten that score. It was the thing that kicked started my motivation because I had practically none for the first 2-3 weeks of the semester.

I know what I'm capable of (when I'm healthy) so I'm going to try to take care of myself and study as much as I can. This is where prayer comes in. I was somehow able to focus on the essay despite feeling as crummy as I did and I did so much better than I was anticipating. I know it was all God (thanks to the intercession of the Holy Spirit and St. Jude) because I actually felt alert that hour it took me to finish the exam. After that? Back to sleeping all day. In fact, I've still not recovered. I've still been sleeping all day (or barely sleeping like last night) and I have another big exam this weekend and 5 quizzes so, you know, back to praying that my health cooperates with me for this upcoming Friday's big exam/quiz bonanza... and the two big exams I have next week.

If it's His will that I finish this degree, I will. If not, I won't. St. Francis de Sales has been popping up in my life a lot in recent months and, despite not continuing with the third novel, I still have the ghostwriting gig (which, thankfully, the woman whose life story I'm writing is telling me to do when I have free time from schoolwork). I think more writing is in my future but, for now, my focus is on this degree and whatever comes from it.

So, there you have it. This is the big secret I was carrying around with me that I'd alluded to these past couple of months. In your charity, I ask you to please keep me in your prayers. Like I said, my health decided to mess around with me again (and it just began going down again only two weeks before the semester began after an unusually healthy summer -- lightheadedness and dizziness excluded) and this may just be my toughest semester (coursework and exam wise) of this program.

I may not write again until I get caught up with my studying and exams (I completely lost the first 3 weeks). After the 30th of this month, my coursework schedule should slow down a bit but I probably won't blog more than once or twice more before then. We'll see what God has in store for me.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Not a "Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200" Situation

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm officially done with my SLP program. No, this doesn't mean I'm graduating. It's complicated but not a "do not pass go; do not collect $200" situation. I'll try my best to explain. Cue "Done" by The Band Perry playing in the background.

Long story short: the program requires that I earn a B- or greater in my courses before I can move on. I will be stuck with a C+ (after failing my final exam last night; I needed an 80% to pass the class) for one course (B in the other) and thus I'm done. I can repeat the course for the third time like some of my other classmates will be doing but I've chosen not to for two big reasons. (side note: there is a lot of griping and speculation amongst those in the program about the changes that have been and will be implemented this summer. Let's just say that there are apparently many courses being repeated 2-3 times before a student can move on and/or graduate and this wasn't an issue when I began the program three years ago.)

First, I don't want to add to my student debt. I'm about $40-45k in debt for one completed Bachelor's, another nearly completed Bachelor's, and one year of a Master's degree. I'm almost done paying off the loans from my first BA (yay!) but I still need to pay off the rest and it's going to be a little hard because I haven't been able to work. As you guys know, I've been sick for a while and I've spent a lot of time at home, in bed or just sitting as much as I can, and I haven't been able to physically do much which rules out a lot of potential jobs. I've been wanting to work for a long time now because I hate debt. My parents taught me not to use credit cards or get myself something that I can't pay off right away but my education was always sort of the exception. The longer I go without a job, the more money I'll owe (especially with the interest rates from the graduate loans; holy cow!). Mom and I are in a good place, financially, right now but we don't know how much longer she'll be able to work because she's physically slowing down and we literally cannot afford for me to keep going in school without a job. I can't do both; I've tried and it's affected my health so it's not an option.

Second, and most importantly, I haven't felt called to continue down this SLP path for several weeks/months. In fact, I broke down and cried all afternoon, evening, and about 11:30 p.m. on Friday because I hated that I felt stuck doing this (due to responsibilities). Yes, I actually cried (on and off) for about 8 hours. It was bad but it was also good because it made me realize that I was doing something that I don't feel God is calling me to do because I was trying to please others and trying to take matters into my own hands.

It was during that emotionally taxing time that I had this beautiful yet painful revelation that I was crying because I knew I wasn't doing what I feel God is calling me to do. I do trust Him to lead me down the path He wants me to take, but I was still letting others (including the most important person in my life) influence what I was doing and then making an excuse that God would still provide because I was sacrificing a lot for the good of another. That was the whole reason why I kept going down this path; because I wanted others to benefit from what I was doing even though I knew, deep down, that this wasn't what I was meant to be doing and even though I was utterly miserable doing it. If you know me, you know this isn't new for me... and that it's something I feel God has been wanting me to address for a long time.

Over the last couple of days, I've been gaining a little more of the clarity that I've been praying for. I've realized that I need to, first and foremost, take a little break (perhaps the first half of the month of May) to take care of myself and my health. It's something that I've been working on (and have been seeing good results in recent days) but I feel like I need a little bit of time to fully immerse myself in prayer, fasting (in ways others than food), and recollection while I physically take care of myself. This also means more Mass (daily, if I can), more time in silence, and less outside noise. Also, more sleep (you should see the bags under my eyes right now), a healthier diet (I've been slipping in this area lately), and giving my mind a break from all the memorization craziness from the past 8 months.

Following this little break of maybe a week or two, I plan on writing full-time until I can find a job that I can do at home or one that allows me to be seated for the majority of it... at least while I continue to get healthier and recover from the health issues I've had lately. I do have a ghostwriting assignment (a memoir) that's been in the works for months that I can now fully devote myself and my time to. It's not too mentally taxing but it's enough of a challenge that will keep my mind occupied, which I like. I was wondering why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life lately (especially since Lent) and I think this might be why. We'll see. ;)

I don't feel disappointed in this new development. It's weird but I felt elated when I saw the 52% exam grade last night. I felt relief... joy... a lot of excitement... and peace. I think I actually said "oh, good. Now I can do Your will, God" out loud. lol. I now have the excuse (because, yes, in my weird little head I needed an excuse to get people off my back) to pursue whatever God is calling me to do. I'm so excited! I've been praying the 30-day (day 23 today) St. Joseph novena and I did another novena for St. Catherine of Siena's feast day for this particular intention and I guess I received my answer. I know people will be disappointed in me. I know some will think I'm lazy or that I'm a quitter. Frankly, my dears, I don't give a darn.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm just so excited that I can finally focus on finding out what God wants me to do, to actually do it, and not have that obstacle anymore. I don't have any more excuses not to and it's incredibly liberating and a little daunting because I have no idea what's in store. I used to have a major problem with (and get anxiety attacks from) not knowing what's ahead. I used to (and, okay, still do -- on a smaller scale) love to plan things out exactly how I wanted them to go. Thankfully, now I plan but I also recognize that plans don't always go the way you want them to and that's okay. I'm getting better at going with the flow which is something I used to do very well when I was younger but became a control issue when anxiety hit in my mid teens. God's plans are better than my own. Also, is it weird that this is somehow feels like it's connected to the 54-day Rosary novena I did last year?

I have no idea how I'm going to pay off my student loans. I've been keeping my eye out on jobs that I can do from home -- i.e. freelance writing, managing a brand's social media accounts, etc. -- for weeks now but nothing yet. I have no doubt that God will help provide at some point. I'm not going to stress out (even though at least one person in my life is freaking out over this). If God provides food and shelter for animals, surely He will help me find a way to pay for my loans and for the basic necessities of life. I'm not above doing menial jobs if that's what He wants to do. I would be perfectly happy cleaning a church or doing something that is seen as lowly if I knew it was what He wanted me to do. Sure, I will continue pursuing my longtime dream of being a writer but if another path becomes clear for me, I'll pursue that instead. You and me, God... let's do this!

Alright, I think that's long enough. lol. I don't know when I'll be able to blog again. I've been experiencing problems with my laptop this past week (I almost wasn't able to do my exam last night because of these problems) and I don't know when it'll finally bite the dust. I'm trying very hard not to read into the symbolism of this situation; I bought the laptop specifically to start the SLP program three years ago and now it started to break down completely as I'm finishing my last semester in this program. I've had problems with this laptop since day one. I even had to return the laptop 3 times because they were all faulty. I see what you did there, coincidences... ;)

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Have NO Clarity Regarding God's Will For Me

After receiving a poor grade on an assignment I worked hard on over the weekend, I felt dejected. I worked incredibly hard on the paper. I read it and reread it. Edited it and re-edited it. Still, this particular professor (or the TA that nitpicked my paper) thought it was basically poor work. I've had problems with this professor in the past -- my academic adviser and the department chair even got involved the first semester I took him and they took my side in the situation -- but I still pray for him and I still try to look for the good in him. He does missionary work and helps children in third world countries that have speech problems. He does good work and I'm glad he shares what he learns from those trips with us... even if my pride takes a massive hit when things like this grade happen.

I'd be lying if I said the thought "why continue if I'm just going to keep hitting these roadblocks?" didn't pop into my mind. This degree has been incredibly hard to finish. It's not just me; it seems like many (possibly most) of those who go through the program repeat at least one course at some point and some decide to leave the program altogether. For another class, a classmate messaged everyone who is retaking the course for the second time and some have said that they may have to repeat the course again.

The joke that SLP students are on anti-anxiety medication exists for a reason, folks. This is a tough and demanding program and field. Those of you who haven't been reading this blog long enough may not know that this is my second round trying to finish this program/degree. I had to quit and leave the program/school nearly 2.5 years ago when I worked myself so hard to do well that I ended up getting sick... and I've yet to fully recover from it.

I keep wondering if I can keep going if I'm feeling fed up with it all because I am. I want to cry, I'm so overwhelmed. Not so much with the coursework; I've, thankfully, been able to resubmit most of the work I did last semester in order to save time. I've also done much better on the exams this time around. Still, I just feel pushed and forced into this path for financial reasons and that makes me a little depressed.

After tearing up and lamenting my grade, the Holy Spirit must've inspired me to think about the great professors and support system I have because I ended up crying again (this time, happy tears) as I reminisced and felt the love and support of former teachers and professors. I can still remember which teachers always encouraged me.

My second and third-grade teacher (she taught both grades) knew I wanted to be a lawyer (back then) and she told my parents -- in front of me, at an open house -- that she thought I could do it.

My fifth-grade teacher was the biggest academic cheerleader, telling me I had the brains to do whatever I wanted to do in life.

My sixth-grade math/science and English/history teachers gave me a "busy bee" award ("always working. always reading") and encouraged my love of books.

My seventh-grade science teacher defended me when I was badly bullied (long story) and encouraged me to keep going forward despite what the "crackheads" (he seriously called them that) were saying and doing to me.

My wonderful teachers when I transferred from regular high school to independent study through a charter school cheered me on, even when times were hard. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer when I was a junior in HS and had his surgery and chemotherapy before graduation. Through their support, I was able to finish half of my junior year and my entire senior year in a single semester and they even chose me to give the valedictorian-type speech at the graduation ceremony.

Mr. H (English professor whom I wrote about last month) and Mr. G (math professor) at Santa Monica College became my first academic cheerleaders in college.

At Pierce College, Dr. B (British Lit professor who became the inspiration for Prof. Normandy in the first Will and Lina novel) encouraged me to apply to Oxford University to transfer and Prof. W (academic counselor; professor) was the first professor to ever point out my writing abilities before I had even entertained the idea of writing as a career.

Ms. Lewis (from my alma mater; may she rest in peace) wasn't a professor but a counselor who was my only ally at my alma mater. I don't think I would've survived that horrible experience without her.

Dr. K at JP Catholic was incredibly encouraging during my brief stint as a graduate student. He knew about my accident and he was encouraging about my work, giving me the first (and only) A in grad school. (side note: shout out to Dr. K who had us read the Summa and got me on board the St. Thomas Aquinas fan club).

I'm not even counting my family and friends who know me and love me despite any academic hiccups I have along the way.

Recently one of my best friends posed a question no one had before: what if I didn't finish this degree? What's the worst that could happen? I had to stop and think about it. Worst case scenario: debt-city, baby. I have nearly $50k in student loans from 1 finished degree (which I've almost paid off completely) and 2 degrees I've started but haven't finished (MA in Theology; BS in Communicative Disorders). Finding a job that I can do with my (current) physical ailments and with a BA in Religious Studies (without teaching credentials) is near impossible, folks.

I talk about trusting God and yet I still tried to control my financial stability by picking career/degree that would help provide financial stability (this one). I've also tried to do a degree that didn't offer any stability but that I loved and then had to leave because my GPA dipped slightly under a 3.0 (2.94; seriously) following my car accident, thus making me ineligible to receive financial aid. I'm technically a student at FUS (I never declined their offer of admission) so I could finish my Master's degree but I think, if I end up having to leave this degree, I'm done with academia. I'm burnt out. I'll look for a job and let God take the reins though it's been hard since I graduated 5 years ago.

I close my eyes and imagine myself taking my academic/career issues and my health issues (particularly the pancytopenia which has been the most physically debilitating), kneeling down at the foot of the Cross, looking up at our crucified Lord and saying "these are my crosses and I don't know what to do. Please give me clarity as to how to carry them if it is Your will that I do so. If any of these things are not in Your plans for me, please make it clear so that I can leave them here, with You, and focus solely on what You want me to do."

So there's where I am. As I wrote a couple of blog posts ago, I had a feeling this was a possible outcome for me; that I wouldn't finish this program or not use this degree despite all the hard work I've put in. I'm still going to try very hard to do well on my finals and see what happens (though it will take a miracle to pass both classes at this point) and leave the rest up to God. I will work hard and do my best on my end but if things don't work out, He knows why.

I must trust in Him. I DO trust in Him. I just wish God would make His plans for me much clearer so I can do just them. I'm not afraid of the possibly of His calling me back to finish my Theology MA. I'm not afraid of the possibility of not finishing either degree. I'm not afraid taking on a job that would pay very little (enough just for the necessities of life). I just want to do His will.

See what the 30-day St. Joseph novena does to a gal? lol. 13 more days to go. Clarity, St. Joseph. That's all I want; I just want/need some clarity. In most areas of my life but particularly the career and academic area for now. I don't want to act on feelings because those can fool you so I'm going to finish this novena and pray for that clarity I so much desire.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had this blog post idea (and most of it written out), sitting in my inbox for a couple of days and since I'm taking a tiny break from studying for my first final exam (which I hope to take between this coming Wednesday and Saturday), I thought I'd post it.

I hope you all have a lovely Divine Mercy Sunday and a great start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"Congrats on Graduating!" ... But I'm Not.

Taken during this weekend's studying frenzy, hence the flash cards everywhere.

Since Saturday, I've received postcards and phone calls congratulating me on my upcoming graduation. "You must be excited! May 6th will come before you know it!" It gets a little awkward when I have to say "Oh, thank you... but I'm not graduating yet. I'm not scheduled to graduate until December." You can hear a pin drop while the information registers in the mind of whoever called. Cue the awkward pause and nervous chatter that follows it.

Long story short, I was scheduled to graduate this semester but, for reasons only God knows, it had to be pushed back from this May to this upcoming December; from the end of Spring semester to the end of Fall semester. I don't think they've updated their database at Utah State (where I'm currently on track to finish my second Bachelor of Arts in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education) because, well, I keep getting these calls and things in the mail. Oh, I still asked for the tassel to be sent to my house since I'll technically finish in the year 2017 and I want that tassel that says 2017. lol.

I've actually been thinking a lot about school and graduation in the last couple of weeks. Actually, scratch that; it's been on my mind for months. I was going to wait a bit longer to write about this but, well, it's been a big theme for me this Lent: I'm not even sure that I'm going to finish this degree. Only three of my closest friends have known about this for weeks because I've asked for their opinions and/or just needed to get the thoughts that were bouncing around in my mind out into the open.

No, I'm not quitting... exactly. In the past couple of weeks/months -- especially following the end of the 54-day Rosary novena -- I've felt like God is calling me down a different path on which I won't need this degree. I don't know whether that means I won't be working in this field too long after graduation or if it means that a job will come along which will pull me away from finishing this degree... but it's something along those lines. I'm perfectly at peace with either option. I've gained a lot of clarity which has brought that inner peace during this Lenten season.

First, the main theme for this Lent seems to have been a renewal and recommitment to trusting God despite my fears. The doctor appointments / random ER visit, the last-minute trip to Mexico, and the other things I will eventually write about in the coming days and weeks... it's all been about trusting God.

I can almost hear God asking me, "do you trust me?" whenever a difficult situation comes up.

"Yes," I answer, though, truthfully, sometimes it's done with some apprehension because letting go is easier said than done. More like "I'm trying to but, yes, it's ultimately what I want to do."

"Then let go and let Me take care of it," I can imagine Him saying to me.

I let go of a fear about something I needed to take for my health. After having had a number of adverse reactions to medications and allergies and intolerances to foods, I'd developed a fear of trying anything new out of fear of ending up in the hospital. I'll hopefully find out if what I'm taking (while I haven't been taking for very long) has made a bit of difference. My doctors were finally able to get me a hematology appointment after trying to get it approved for years (yes, years plural). I hope that we'll soon know why my red and white blood cells, as well as my platelets, have been on a downward trend in the last couple of years. I'm still hoping the answer is as simple as it being a result of my health crashing from overdoing it and not taking care of myself three years ago -- then the relapse following the car accident a year and a half ago -- as well as a poor diet that has led my folate level to be at dismal number/level.

Just like I let go of that fear to do something that will make me healthier, I'm going to let go of my fears of financial instability. I'm going to let God guide me down whatever career path He wants me to take, even if it's something radically new. He knows better than I do what I need to do in order to do His will. If I somehow do end up having to leave the degree unfinished, I'm not going to regret or lament it.

Not finishing the degree won't mean that I've quit out for selfish reasons or because I couldn't handle it. It'll simply mean that I've chosen to follow God's path for me rather than my own. I've already made peace with the fact that I'm not going to go back and finish my Master's in Theology either. Oh, I've received a lot of clarity about that (no Theology MA) and I'm owing that to St. Francis de Sales who seems to have somehow become my (surprise/unplanned) patron this Lent. Again, I'm not sure if this will happen but I'm at peace with it if this is what ends up happening.

If I do end up finishing this degree -- which is looking like the most likely outcome at this point -- I've already made the decision not to attend the graduation ceremony. After hearing about how graduation is celebrated in Italy (shout out and a public "congrats!" to my good friend, Francesca, who received her Master's degree in Italy last month) and comparing it to how it's celebrated in the States, I decided against it. It's not my style. Need I remind longtime readers what I did during my first undergrad graduation ceremony? lol. If I finish this degree, I'll opt for a homemade dinner with family and close friends; a way of thanking them for all their support. Okay, maybe I'll add a trip to Disneyland to celebrate if I can afford it. lol.

Everything is up in the air in terms of the future of my education and career but that's okay. I have plans for the current path I'm in: finish the degree in December, work on the required (in CA) 100 supervised hours before receiving my license to become a speech-language pathology assistant (SLPA) either March through May or September through November of 2018 (depending which school/program I can complete the hours in), and then start working. I'll continue down this path until God makes His will for me clearer.

I can technically begin working as an SLPA in other states because I've already completed the required 25 supervised hours that many states ask for (I completed them last semester) so maybe God will call me to work in another state that doesn't have as many requirements in CA as soon as I graduate. Maybe the autobiography I'm ghostwriting (have I written about that yet?) will kick-start the writing career I've always dreamed about. I don't know. All I know is that I've placed my future in God's hands and I trust that He will lead me to Him... and that's all I want.

Anyway, I wanted to write and this is what came out. I don't know how much blogging I'll get done this week. I'm starting to study for finals and then we (Mom and I) are going to try to do only what's necessary from Thursday evening through Sunday morning; for the Paschal Triduum. That means no music (uber hard for me), no TV (not sure if Mom can go without TV, lol), and little to no online time (it'll depend on a group project but I'll most likely choose to not use my laptop nor the iPod touch during the Triduum). I do have reading and studying planned since I need to study and the reading is all centered around the Passion and my relationship with God but that's about it.

If, in your charity, you can please say a pray for clarity regarding my education and career path, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Really, Really Want

♪ Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want... ♪

Yes, you may cue the Spice Girls' "Wannabe" right now since that is exactly where I got today's blog post title from.

And, yes, this blog post was inspired by the song Krystin and I agree is the government's current theme song ("I Want It Now"). :-P

These past two weeks I've had a serious case of the "I really, really want this!"-s. There have been two things I really, really want: to get accepted to the only school I applied to for my second Bachelor's (Bachelor of Science this time) degree and an improvement in my prayer life.

If you've been MIA and are just getting back to reading the blog: Hi! Welcome Back. Yes, I am going for a second Bachelor's degree. I majored in Religious Studies and not Speech-Language Pathology so an additional year or year and a half of undergraduate coursework is required. This is the only school that I know of (that I was remotely interested in, anyway) that gives a second Bachelor's degree when you finish their program. That doesn't mean that I will attend this school for grad school (though I may apply if I like their program) but it's definitely a step in the right direction. It comes highly recommended (and, bonus, I can do the entire thing online) so y'all can guess how much I want it. I want it. I really, really want it.

What else do I want? Oh yes, an improvement in my prayer life. I've already discussed this with my spiritual director but I haven't really touched on it here. I've been distracted way too easily when I pray lately. Whether it's in the morning or at night, something's going to distract me. On my mom's days off, it's usually her. Seriously love my mom but she has a tendency to make a lot of noise when I tell her I'm going to do my morning prayers. To be f air, she's hard of hearing so she doesn't think it's that bad but it is for me since I like it to be as quiet as possible so I can concentrate. When I'm home alone (most of the week), it's always something else. My downstairs neighbor's son playing "The Final Countdown" on the keyboard (I kid you not: every. single. day.), my next door neighbor slamming his closet shut, the dogs barking, someone telling... something. These noises don't bother me as much when I'm not praying but, boy, they all seem to get louder when praying. At the end of my prayers, I have no idea what I just "prayed." All I really, really want is so be able to concentrate and focus solely on praying and having a conversation with God.

Of course, in these two examples, I've only been focused on what I want. While I really, really want to get into this particular school I applied to (whose name I won't share until I get either accepted or rejected), I know that there is always a chance that I won't be accepted. While I want my prayer time and prayer life to be a certain way, I know that I won't always get it. I need to step away from my wants and focus on the fact that my will won't be done, but God's will.

I think we sometimes get so caught up in thinking about what we want that we forget that God has bigger and better plans for us than we do for ourselves. I wanted to go to UBC or Oxford. I wanted to graduate from college on time (which would've been around 2007). I wanted to live in Vancouver or England by now. I wanted my father not to die from cancer in 2009. I wanted to be married and have a family by now. None of these plans panned out for whatever reason but I remain hopefully that I am still doing God's will.

Never have the words "in God's time" and the idea of trusting God completely been more felt than during the last year or so. I've been through so much (but, really, who hasn't?) and it's really tested my faith. I'm grateful though, because it's only made it that much stronger. Whether I get into *** (initials ;)) or whether my concentration improves while praying, only time will tell. Either way, I will be grateful for whatever I get and thank God for it.

Alright, since I have the day off (not by choice; slow freelance week), I'm going to keep reading Married Saints and Blesseds Through the Centuries by Monsignor Ferdinand Holbock. I'm only on page 52 but I'm already in love with this book. The way Mama Mary and St. Joseph's marriage is describe is truly beautiful (and I bet it would make the "she didn't remain a virgin" people think twice about their beliefs). I can't put it down... and I'm actually itching to pick it up again. ;)

I hope y'all have a good start of week thus far! If you have any prayer requests, please let me know. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

History of World Religions, Religious Studies Major.

I don't know where to start... I have so much I want to write about (but, don't worry, I won't. lol). First off, I am SO HAPPY we finally covered Catholicism and Christianity in my History of World Religions class. I have a list of all the people and saints that we covered... if I can just find it... *digs through desk drawer*... here we go:

- St. Ambrose - St. Augustine of Hippo - St. Benedict of Nursia - St. Francis of Assisi - St. Clare of Assisi - St. Dominic - St. Catherine of Siena - Pope Gregory I (The Great) - Pope Gregory XI - Pope Urban VI - St. Augustine of Kent/Canterbury - St. Thomas Aquinas - St. Anselm of Canterbury - St. John of the Cross - St. Teresa of Avila (WHOO!) - St. Ignatius of Loyola - St. Francis Xavier.

All those people/saints were covered in only 7 pages. I was super excited to have to learn a little bit more about them for a class! It reaffirmed my belief that I am supposed to be a Religious Studies major. :D I had to compare Martin Luther, John Calvin, King Henry VIII, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for my Christianity paper. Guess which I wrote more about; which one I knew more about. :D Man, I LOVE this class. :D

We're currently doing the last religion we'll learn about (I think), which is Islam. We have a big research paper due in like 2 weeks and I was originally going to do it on Christianity, Judaism, and Buddhism but now I'm going to switch Buddhism for Islam because I think it'll be easier (since they believe in God). I still don't know if I'll focus on the sacred texts or the art but it's one of those. It'll be interesting.

All of this that I have been learning has really made me think about what I'm going to do when it comes to my Religious Studies major. I'm at the point where I have to decide, once and for all, where I'll be attending next Fall to finish my Bachelor's degree. I have to do it this week because I have to make sure my Winter session and Spring semester classes are exactly what I'll need (also, to basically get more credits done at a cheaper cost, lol). I''m still undecided whether to go to a state university (where I'll have to learn about different religions) or go back to my private college (where I'll focus mainly on Catholicism). I would rather go to a Catholic university/college but, really, it all comes down to the tuition. Since I'm in charge of all my educational costs, I have to really think about the debt and whatnot once I graduate. I am completely torn on what to do so I'll hopefully get some advice from Fr. Stan. I've already called to make an appointment so now I'm just waiting for him to call me back and set the day when I can go in and ask. I've tried to figure it out on my own, and have even prayed about it, but all that I've come up with is going to a priest and asking his advice.

I don't think my decision would be so hard if I wasn't planning on (eventually) becoming a teacher. See, I have my plans. If I don't make it as an author or wedding planner, I want to be an elementary school teacher. I love kids and I love teaching them things. I think I'd do a good job. Because of this, and because I'd want to teach at a Catholic school... well, it makes me think twice about what school I'll get my degree from. Hopefully Fr. Stan will be able to help me figure it out a bit.

Well, that's it. I had more planned but I just started getting these stomach cramps and I'm not feeling too well so I'm going to call it a day. Hopefully it isn't serious... and that I won't have to go to the Emergency Room.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D
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I'm Brave... or Insane; Darn Economy: State School vs. (Private) Catholic School

I'm either very, very brave... or I've finally lost my mind. Either way I'm good. lol. I'm (hopefully) going to audition for this huge international folk dance concert my school is holding for the holidays. Auditions are a week and a half from today. I don't know why but I just said "Oh, I want to do it!" when I heard about it a couple of days ago. They will be doing dances from: Africa, America (Hip-Hop), Arabia, Brazil, Bulgaria, Egypt, Georgia, India, Israel, Mexico, Persia, Philippines, Romania, Serbia and Sicily. Take a wild guess which one I'm doing. Seriously... guess. lol. I could've done the hip-hop but really, I'm not too comfortable with it. I decided to do the Mexican folk dance because, hello, I'm of Mexican heritage. lol. That and I learned how to do some of the dances when I was younger. I haven't done it in a long time but I remember how they go. In case you don't know what a Mexican folk dance is (also called folklorico) here's a video of what I think we'll do... since the Jarabe Tapatio is the most recognized.

It requires A LOT of rapid footwork, think like tap dancing... but not tap dancing. The dance is a cardio work out in itself so I'm going to have to start running, or at least jogging, these next couple of days to be physically ready for it. It's only a couple of minutes worth of dancing but it's exhausting if you're not used to it. But, I'm excited. Even if I don't get to be a part of it, it'll be a great experience... and another thing I've conquered. :D

Moving on...

I have a bit of a dilemma. The economy is getting worse and worse and I'm at a crossroads of what to do when it comes to my education. I'm fine at the moment because community colleges are not expensive. Next year, though, I will be done with my lower division requirements so I won't be able to attend a CC. I could get an A.A. degree but I want my B.A. degree. I COULD go to a state school (like UCLA), save money (because the state owes me -- big) and basically not pay much for tuition. Problem is, they don't have Catholic courses I'd want to take. I would have to learn about different religions. With a scholarship, I wouldn't have to pay anything. Or I could continue at the private, Catholic college where I am a student, though I'm not currently attending. Problem there is that it's $32,000+ a YEAR. I have 2 years left so that would mean that, not counting the scholarship I have there, I would have to get a loan for about $20,000 per year until I'm done. I've taken care of tuition and expenses since I started college. My mom will help me out with textbooks when my financial aid arrives late but I always pay her back. I don't know what to do for the next 2 years. I really need Fr. Leo and Fr. Stan to give me some advice. I have no idea how the economy will be in 2 years when I graduate.

It's funny. If I would've started college right after I graduated high school, and if my father would've never gotten cancer both my senior year of high school and early last year, I would've been done with my degree last year when the economy started to tumble a bit. I firmly believe that there's a reason why it's taken me this long to finish my degree. Maybe, though it's taking me (what feels like) forever, it's actually better for me in the long run. I'm not stressing over it. I know God has something in store for me, I just have to be patient and stick it out until things get resolved. Hopefully I'll figure out what to do before I have to make a firm decision as to where I'll be attending next Fall.

Alright, well, I've written a lot today so I think I should stop. I also have a History of World Religions assignment due tonight so I should probably go finish that. I did half of the work last night so now I just to have read about China and Japan's religions... do some compare and contrast and I'll be done.

Didn't I say I was going to stop? lol. Okay. I will. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D