Impatience and My Plans vs God's Plans

Happy traditional feast of St. Benedict! I finished the novena for his intercession last night... but I won't tell you what I asked for until a bit later. ;)

Obviously, this "daily blogging" thing isn't going to work out this Lent. Boo! I really wanted to do it but God seems to have other plans for me, a theme that has been recurring for me these past 2 weeks. Well, longer than that but it's been more obvious lately. I make plans and God seems to have other plans for me... and that's perfectly fine.

I have plans to do all my work early in the week... other (slightly more important) things pop up, causing me to not write a single thing until the due date. Thankfully, I know what I'm going to write; I just need to find the time to write and submit the posts.

I have plans to blog... I end up not even touching my laptop for a couple of days due to all the things that pop up. Thankfully, I don't think anyone actually minds so I'm good.

I have plans to attend Mass on Monday afternoon... and I end up going to Mass Tuesday evening. Not that I minded; I ended up going on St. Joseph's feast day with good friends!

I plan to go to the library to return a book on Sts. Louis, Zelie, and Therese... and I'm met with lightning and thunder, forcing me back home until the following day. Yes, I paid the fine for being a day late, too. It ended up working out for me since I got to read more of the book.

I plan on getting a certain ingredient for something I'm craving... and I can't find it anywhere. Oh well. I ended up getting something else with more iron and other vitamins and will probably be better for me in the long run.

All of these are good reminders that my plans are never as good as God's plans for me. I've seen it before, several times. The most dramatic was me not being able to attend university in England as was planned, not knowing that my father would be diagnosed with cancer for a second time... and not knowing he would pass away from it.

Another costly example was me feeling that God was calling me down a certain career path and me, very obstinately, saying, "But God, I/my family needs X, Y, Z and I can't see how going down that path is going to help so I'm going to do A and/or B." I'm literally paying for that terrible mistake (read: student loans).

I'm currently struggling with having patience and trusting God in two areas of my life: where I am to become a Benedictine oblate and with the pangs of loneliness.

I've been discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for over a year now and it's not really going anywhere. It's very frustrating, especially since I've never been more certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I talked to a priest I very much trust on the feast of St. Joseph (of all days!) and he agreed that it would be best for me to attach myself to a more traditional Benedictine monastery. That meant I had to discard the possibility of discerning with the monastery within the  L.A. archdiocese... and keep waiting to hear from one of the monasteries I've reached out to in the past year. One is within the U.S. and two are abroad. That means traveling... but I just don't know where I'm headed. It's hard to stay stagnant when you're sure of something...

... which is also how I've been feeling about my (large v) vocation. I'm the first to joke about being single and to admit that I'm actually pretty content being single but it's changed a bit recently. I'm sure it's because it's Lent but I've been feeling that pang of loneliness quite intensely these past two weeks. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move forward no matter how much I try (and, trust me, I've tried despite my dislike of dating). I know it's all about God's timing but my human nature is feeling the ache and it's been weighing heavily on my heart, especially today. I'm sure reading about the lives of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin this week didn't help very much. Not that I blame them -- they gave me major "relationship goals" -- but it's so hard to see (or read about) those who've been able to grow, spiritually, thanks to their taking their vocations seriously.

Is anyone else feeling the impatience of waiting for whatever God has in store for you more acutely during Lent? It doesn't even have to be a discernment to a third order or waiting for your future spouse. It can be waiting for a job promotion, for a child, or news on something important to you. If so, let me know (you don't have to tell me what it's you're waiting for) and I'll add you to my prayers list.

Anyway, just a quick little blog about my struggles so far this Lent. It seems like it's going to quite the "Lent-y Lent," doesn't it? lol. Oh! And please don't send me a cliche "trust God" and "all in His own timing" comment because 1) yes, I know, 2) I'm trying, very, very hard and 3) it actually makes me feel worse, not better.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Entrusting My Loneliness to God

First off, I want to say a huge "thank you!" to everyone who prayed for me over the weekend and earlier this week. As I mentioned in my last post, I felt myself going through a metaphorical desert for about a week and a half. I think that all the stress of being pushed and pulled in every direction by well meaning people (or, at least, I'm assuming they were well meaning), seeing my mom being mentally and emotionally bullied at work (please say a prayer for her if you can as it has yet to stop), and having the anniversary of dad's death all in the same week overwhelmed me. Like I said in the previous post, I shut down when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Lately, I've been feeling lonely. I feel like people take me for granted. I ask for little in return... and when I do ask for that little bit, I'm pushed to the side because no one wants to deal with it. I have been the confidant of so many people. I keep many secrets. I'm asked for advice (sometimes on things beyond my experience or knowledge) and I ask the Holy Spirit to help me say the right words to people, even if that's redirecting them to someone who may be able to better help them. I'm always there for friends when they need to cry, rant, explode with happiness, etc. That means that I've sacrificed sleep, sacrificed doing something for myself (even if it means eating), because I want to be there for my friends. However, lately it's seemed one-sided.

I needed someone to talk to this past weekend... and I had no one. I understand that my friends were busy and that they have things going on in their own lives. However, when I expressed feeling sad and drained due to the anniversary of my father's death, those I reached out to quickly changed the topic... or asked me if I was going to dwell on it all day. I didn't want much; I just wanted someone to listen to me for 5 minutes about how hard it is not to have my dad, despite his having passed years ago. I needed to tell someone how people are making me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. 5 minutes of talking to a human being, that's all I require. I don't need any words to be returned, a simple hug or the mention of a possible prayer would've been more than enough. That's all I need to be able to keep my spirits up. What I ended up with was feeling overwhelmingly lonely.

Having the fact that I'm still single shoved in face every single day by (again) well meaning people hurts. I've had to deal with this for the past two months, almost unceasingly. Like the age of 30 -- despite not looking nor feeling that old -- doomed me to a life of old maid (or a nun because it obviously meant that I wasn't meant to marry) if I didn't do anything about it right now. I've expressed not wanting my personal life discussed with frequency... to deaf ears.

I had NO issue with my state in life until it became the sole focus on some people in my life. I was fine being single; happy to be given the time to know myself after having spent my late teens and early 20s helping take care of my father during his last years of life. I didn't feel the "ache of loneliness" (as Jackie Francois once said)... until people kept bringing it up. That coupled with the fact that I felt like I had no one to talk to me made the loneliness seem worse.

My initial reaction to being engulfed with the feeling was to seek something to fill that loneliness... and, in a beautiful moment of clarity (while contemplating a novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary), I realized that only God could suffice that gaping hole. I'm sure my daily recitation of the Rosary -- though I had to force myself to pray it on some days -- helped me reach that conclusion.

That was the turning point for me. My thoughts lately have been: "alright, God... no human being is going to fulfill that emptiness and loneliness; only You can do that." I said as much to my spiritual director at our meeting this week. When I said it to him, I realized that I was being led out of that desert by Him. I can't express how grateful I feel. I've known people who've felt the same (or greater) amount of loneliness and have sought comfort that ended up being a source of great regret for them. I didn't want to make that same mistake... and it looks like He didn't want me to either. 

I'm not sure how all of this (having Him fill that hole) to be accomplished but I trust Him. I'm going to start a double novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the Sacred Heart of Jesus to entrust my heart to them. I'm going to seek refuge in them, especially during this time when I feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, and, sadly, feeling unloved... which leads to feeling lonely.

I'm sorry this isn't one of those happy blog posts but it's what's going on with me. Though I don't always express my feelings so easily -- and that stems from my desire to not trouble people -- I still feel deeply. Yes, I know that feelings aren't always to be trusted... but I still have them. It's what makes me empathetic (or so I've been told) and what makes me me. I like myself, emotions and all.

I also didn't write this blog post to shame anyone whom I know. My hopes for this blog post are to remind people that sometimes listening to a friend (especially the one whom you normally run to) is all they need and to tell anyone who's in the same boat that they're not alone. I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last. Oh, and to my friends: absolutely no hard feelings. I understand that we can't always be there for everyone. :)

Anyway, that's from me for now. I'm trying to cut my time online (yes, again) as part of my new self-care routine (which I will share in the near future) so I'm going to try to finish everything I need to do.

I hope y'all have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D