My Vocation Fear and a Costly Lesson Learned

Y'all know the writing gig I've been dropping hints about for the past 2 weeks or so? Well, now that the first article is up, I can officially let y'all in on the news. Meet EpicPew's newest contributing writer: me! ;)

Thanks to my friend, Theresa, I'm currently on a trial basis as a contributing writer for EpicPew. It's a website I'd subscribed to (for daily updates via email) while I was in school because I liked the content that they post. When Theresa let me know they were looking for writers, I didn't hesitate to say I was interested in applying. Long story short, it led to my first assignment on pro-life marches coming up this weekend and next.

The lovely thing about this whole thing is that it happened when I finally let go and let God take over. It happened the day I found out I wasn't going to continue the SLP program at Utah State. I had resigned myself to do whatever God wanted me to do. I didn't know how I was going to begin to repay my student loans. I didn't know what work I could possibly do with everything that's been going on. All I knew was that I fully trusted God to lead me down whatever path He wanted me to take. If I couldn't find anything because I needed to rest, I would rest. If I could find something I could do (and, hopefully, enjoy), I would welcome it. Immediately, this happened and, well, I couldn't be happier!

The interesting thing is that, last week, when I was contacted by the folks at Utah State that they wanted to help me continue down the SLP path by trying to help me get financial aid to finish the last two classes I "needed" (which I don't actually need) was also the day I got my first article greenlit. Cue the "fork in the middle of the road" metaphor. lol. I felt a peace when it came to writing for EpicPew. I feel a tightness in my chest and a foreboding feeling when I think about the SLP path. It was a no-brainer; I was going to stick to writing and not return to Utah State.

Ever since I decided to give an honest effort to make it as a writer (which isn't easy!), I've felt an enormous peace settle in my heart and in my very being. I gave a half-hearted try when I had finished my undergrad degree in 2012 because I felt called to it... but the pressure to do something that had a more steady income made me abandoned that dream. I wish I hadn't because all it did was get me $43k in student loan debt (I only had $2,000 student loan debt after I finished my first B.A.).

So, what's my takeaway from this long (and, literally, costly) mistake? That one shouldn't ignore what one feels called to out of fear (in my case, financial stability) because God always finds a way to provide. Even before I had finished my first degree, I'd felt like God was slowly tugging me into a career as a writer. When Patrick Madrid gave me my first big writing break in 2010 (that led to other freelance writing gigs; some secular, some Catholic), I didn't even have writing on my radar as a possible career path. I loved writing but I didn't consider doing it for the Catholic world until it happened. Again, financial difficulties, as well as dry spells that every writer experiences, led me to abandon it when I really should've just abandoned myself to His Divine Providence. I mean, I eventually did... years later. lol. You live and learn, folks!

I guess I know why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life for most of last year. He's now my vocation patron saint. I have weekly articles coming up on EpicPew. I have the memoir I'm ghostwriting. I'm working on my third novel (which has undergone a change from its original plot). I hope God continues to show me what He wants me to do... and that I continue to have the courage to do it, even if it means that things may get a little difficult (financially) at times.

That's it for now. I'm doing an experiment to try to get my sleeping schedule back on track which involves shutting off all screens (laptop, phone, iPod touch) early so I need to go finish taking care of emails and everything else before my "screens off" time comes up. 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Real-Life Plot Twist That Made Me Abandon Myself to God

Yesterday, I received the news that I could apply to do my SLPA license/fieldwork hours without having finished my degree. It turns out that two of the universities in Southern California that offer the fieldwork works will accept students who do the basic SLP courses. Each school has their own requirements and I qualify for one; I took and passed all but two courses (the ones I would've done next semester) and they were enough for this university. I was told that I could apply to start in the spring quarter. Cue the beginning of "Bohemian Rhapsody." ("Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?...")

I was pleasantly shocked and I felt an immediate sense of urgency and pressure to get this ready NOW. The application is only open for a week in January and, if chosen, I would have to go for an in-person grade review and orientation. The quarter would start in late March and I would be qualified as an SLPA by June. But I needed to do things fast... fast... fast! Furthermore, the course and fees cost about $3,300 out of pocket, which I don't have. Cue the panic. How am I going to raise a mint in so little time? PANIC!

I kept thinking, "But I didn't pass. I don't feel called it this field. Did I just not feel called to finish the degree but continue down this field?" There was A LOT of brainstorming and a big push from various people to go and do! NOW! Imagine trying to work on getting rid of your people-pleasing ways yet feeling pushed and pulled to do something "for the greater good!" by so many people whom you love. That's what I felt yesterday.

For most of the day, I felt like people were rushing and pressuring me to go forward and get that spot (only 35 cohorts per quarter allowed)... and do it NOW! "Think about the money! Think about your financial situation! Think about your Mom!!" The pressure got so overwhelming that I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't know what to do. I was overwhelmed. I felt agitated... restless... anxious... pressured... I came close to snapping at people (which I hate doing; thankfully, I didn't), a sign that I was stressed beyond my personal limits. I felt like people were getting upset with me (they were certainly acting that way) for not wanting to continue down this path.

Towards the end of the day, I was emotionally drained and told my mother, "I feel depressed. I feel overwhelmed. I hate this pressure. I hate that people are pushing me to do this. I don't feel called to this; I haven't for months. I felt a huge sense of relief and peace when I decided to do something else. Now, this?" Then I said something that just randomly popped out of my mouth, without thought...

"I feel as if I'm turning my back on God; as I'm trying to take care of the situation myself instead of trusting Him to lead me to what He wants me to do." I'm calling this a Holy Spirit mic drop because I hadn't realized I was doing just that until I said it.

I remembered that both Fr. Jacques Philippe and St. Francis de Sales have mentioned that one feels that restlessness and agitation, it's not coming from God. After I said that I felt like I was abandoning my resolution to trust God and His plans for me, it clicked. It also took one of my best friends reminding me (and being the only person who was angry on my behalf about all the pressure I felt from others) that the stress of the career path always resulted in my decline in health; that no amount of money or career prestige was worth the cost of my own health.

I asked God forgiveness for my temporary lack of judgment. In a conversation with Him, I reminded myself that I've been praying the 54-day Rosary novena for weeks now (it ends on Sunday) and that the signs have pointed to me leaving behind the SLP/A field and trusting Him (and our Blessed Mother's intercession) when it comes to finding a job to pay back my student loans and helping Mom out with bills and groceries.

That immense anxiety and agitation I was feeling? It completely disappeared as if He had wiped it clean from my very being. I once again felt the strong resolution to trust Him completely and not worry about my financial situation; that He will provide one way or another. My mind was calm. I felt that wonderful serenity that I had lacked (which actually began with me having a nightmare involved the devil and me waking up with my heart racing) all day (into the nighttime) yesterday.

So, that's what I'm going to do... again. I'm not going to worry about the job situation. I am actively seeking (don't think that I'm just lazying around doing nothing). I'm still hoping and praying that God will provide when I'm ready.

If, in the future, God wants me to get my SLPA license, I have 5 years to do my fieldwork hours (as per the time limit the particular school has) before it's too late. But, right now, it's obvious (at least to me) that His plans include me doing something else and I just need to patiently wait to see what they are. Again, I'm not passively sitting around doing nothing; I'm trying to see which of the options I have (that is not SLPA related) is the one He wants me to take.

People will think I'm foolish for taking this approach but I'm okay with that. There will be people who think I'm throwing away financial security and "my talents and gifts" but I don't mind. There are people who dislike when others say that the Lord will provide but I hope God uses me and this situation to help others see that perhaps if we trust more in Him and His plans for us things will turn out for the best. Call it naive. Call it foolish. Call it the blind idealistic/optimistic part of me that is taking over.

I wholeheartedly and completely give up my fears and what others think and say and give myself entirely to God; to do His will in whichever way He calls me to do. 

As the Prayer of Abandonment to Divine Providence by St. Jane Frances de Chantal says,

"O sovereign goodness of the sovereign Providence of my God!
I abandon myself forever to Thy arms.
Whether gentle or severe,
lead me henceforth whither Thou wilt;
I will not regard the way through which Thou wilt have me pass,
but keep my eyes fixed upon Thee,
my God, who guidest me.
My soul finds no rest without the arms
and the bosom of this heavenly Providence,
my true Mother, my strength and my rampart.
Therefore I resolve with Thy Divine assistance,
O my Saviour,
to follow Thy desires and Thy ordinances,
without regarding or examining why Thou dost this rather than that;
but I will blindly follow Thee
according to Thy Divine will,
without seeking my own inclinations.
Hence I am determined to leave all to Thee,
taking no part therein save by keeping myself in peace in Thy arms,
desiring nothing except as Thou incitest me to desire,
to will, to wish.
I offer Thee this desire, O my God,
beseeching Thee to bless it;
I undertake all it includes,
relying on Thy goodness,
liberality, and mercy,
with entire confidence in Thee,
distrust of myself,
and knowledge of my infinite misery and infirmity.
Amen!"

There. I said it... and I commit myself to sharing this new part of my journey because I want you all to experience what things God can do when we give ourselves completely to Him. My world may be turned upside down and I may end up doing things I would've never imagined but that is the beauty of it. I trust Him completely.

Your will, God, not mine.

The End of This Journey

I didn't pass. I needed a 78% or better on the final exam to stay in the program. I passed my first two exams but the third final exam -- which had straight memorization and was cumulative of the entire semester -- sank me. I received a 63%. I studied for days. I spent hours on the notes... on highlighting important passages... going over everything on the study guide... creating flash cards. It didn't help one bit. It was the lowest exam grade I received in any of my 3 courses. I didn't understand how the grade wasn't higher. I knew the answers... but perhaps I didn't really know them.

Goodbye, SLP degree... I was only 2 short classes away from completing you. It's a tough pill to swallow. I worked hard. I'm up to my eyeballs in student loan debt with no career in the field I studied. I didn't fail the class either. I received a 78.5% as a final grade -- a C+ -- but the program has a B- or better policy.

Like I said, I worked hard. I pushed myself beyond my limits. I did ace one course and I received a B- in the allegedly "second hardest" course of the program. I'm proud of that.

I don't want to be pitied... which is all I'm getting. I would love to have someone tell me, "Are you kidding me? You did well considering your circumstances! You should be proud of yourself!" Not one single person had said that to me... so I say it to myself.

I started the 54-day Rosary novena knowing this could happen -- that I could potentially not pass. I asked Mama Mary to intercede and help me pass... but only if it was God's will. If not, I asked her to help me find a job. I still have hope that this will turn out well.

I didn't cry when I found out I didn't pass. I actually felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. As some of you regular readers may recall, I've said (for months) that I didn't feel called to continue down the SLP path but that I would do it if it was God's will. I would break down in tears throughout the semester but I kept going because I wanted to show God that I trusted Him either way.

I'm not going to question God over the outcome. I know that this semester was all part of His plans for me. I don't know why they were but they were. When I felt broken down, not good enough (for anything), overwhelmed, and utterly defeated, I would release those emotions in the forms of tears and then I would wipe them away and I kept going. I would hit wall after wall, but my trust in God kept me going.

"Your will be done." I still say this aloud. I said it before I took my exam. I said it after I found out I wasn't going to continue in the program. As I kept reminding myself, if it was His will, I would've passed and continued. However, it doesn't seem to be so now it's time for me to move forward... as soon as I figure out what that direction is.

I thanked Mama Mary and the saints who interceded for me during the semester. I thank you all for your prayers. All the prayers said for me didn't go unanswered; I felt the courage and the strength to continue when I could've easily given up. I didn't give up and I went down swinging. I also thank Mama Mary for interceding since I did ask her to help me see whether God wanted me to continue down this path or not. I got my answer, right? :)

As my mom says, "Dios aprieta pero no ahorca." The rough translation is, "God squeezes but doesn't choke." Meaning, there will be rough times but you're not without hope; sort of like "When He closes one door, another opens."

I'm excited to see what He has in store for me. Surprisingly, not having any clarity is not making me nervous. The unknown -- especially when it comes to financial situations -- had always been panic attack-inducing in the past but that's not the case this time around. I'm actually happy and eager to go forward, even if it means starting from zero.

I'm very grateful that this all happened while it was still Advent season because it goes along with my plans to wait, reflect, and slow down to breathe. I'd been neglecting all my Advent reading for the past week and a half because of final exams. Now I get to spend the next week and couple of days getting back to what I wanted to do: partake in the Advent season. I did slow down and reflect during the past couple of weeks but not as much as I wanted. 

I'm going to take the next couple of weeks (2-3, maybe) to just enjoy the season. Advent and Christmastime are my favorite times of the year so I'm going to put everything behind me and focus on the now... and the reason for the season. 

This is the end of the SLP journey... but it's also the beginning of a brand new journey that is filling me with optimism, hope, and trust. I look forward to sharing what He has in store for me in the upcoming weeks. ;)

That's it for now. I just wanted to get this out of my system. I have many more posts in mind that I will be writing in the next couple of days. I'm going to be focusing on writing in the next couple of weeks (I knew St. Francis de Sales was randomly popping up in my life for a reason) and this blog will help me get back in the groove of that. :)

Again, thank you all for your prayers. Though the outcome wasn't what we had wished for, it got me through this semester in one piece -- health and sanity intact. :D

As always, thanks for reading and may God bless you all! :D

Is This What You Meant, God (via St. Francis de Sales)?

St. Francis de Sales has been popping up in my life at the most (seemingly) random times of my life during the past year. It's usually when I'm questioning a lot of things, career-wise. It's happened, once again, while doing the 54-day Rosary novena.

It's no secret that two of my intentions are that I either graduate from the program I'm in (which I feel called to do despite hating it) and work in this field OR that God shows me what He wants me to do if it isn't the SLP route. Either way, I just want to do His will... while paying back my student loans. It's the only debt I have (besides paying off my laptop) and I want it gone.

In an ideal world, I would be a writer -- either of novels, as a ghostwriter (which I have experience in), or for Catholic publications. I just want to write. I want that to be my work... but I haven't had the best luck trying to break into it because I'm not as aggressive as other people in trying to land work. I don't like using my connections to get jobs. I want to get them on my own merit and talents.

When I asked God to show me my gifts a couple of weeks ago, I was and wasn't surprised to see that writing came up. I wasn't because I've always had better success communicating through the written word than verbally. I was because, like I said, I haven't had much success in the writing world over the last couple of years. Still, I've felt pulled back to write... and to make a better effort to make it happen, career-wise.

Last month, a friend asked me if I was doing NaNoWriMo this year and I, on a whim, decided I was going to. Yes, I have a full load of schoolwork and everything else but I need the creative outlet that writing offers. I've only had two nights since November 1st to work on a third novel but I've already made a decent amount of progress in those 2 days. 

I'm going to start over... in a sense. Since I let my @nerdwriter Twitter account go the 30 days without activating it, it's gone. It can't be reactivated and I can't gain all those followers again. That doesn't bother me. In fact, it makes things better because I have the chance to have a fresh start as a writer. The nerdwriter era had to come to an end and I don't regret doing it. I opened up a new public account and am going to be using @MelissaCeciliaG as my new handle since that's what I use professionally. Warning: If I come to realize that this was a rash decision, I have absolutely no qualms about shutting the account down. I can do without Twitter... if I'm not writing. For now, it's a necessity. 

Why did I start over again last night? Because, as I prayed day 9 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I felt like I was having a mental dialogue with God that went something like this:

"Use your gifts."

Me: But I'd have to start over again.

"Is this your passion?"
Me: Yes.

"Then start over again. Don't let anyone or anything extinguish your gifts."

Me: But...

"Don't let anyone dampen your light; your fire."

I felt such a motivation and a sort of push to get back into things... with some modifications. I already know what and what doesn't work for me in terms of Twitter because I still have that love-but-mostly hate relationship with the site. Taking a cue from one of my favorite non-fiction writers, author Jennifer L. Scott, I'm going to be using the account to post things that are associated with what's going on with me as a writer. And, okay, I'm also going to share the odd tweet and/or article that I find amusing that I would like to share but I won't be as active as I once was. 

There's one more thing that is a big change for me: I'm 98% sure I'm going to make the transition from New Adult fiction writer to a non-fiction writer. I already have two projects (one of which isn't even mine; I'm ghostwriting someone's memoirs) lined up for the end of the year. When I felt the push from God to try my hand at writing again, it became clear to me that I do better as a non-fiction writer. I literally went "Ohhh...!!!" aloud when I came to that realization a couple of days ago. lol. I don't know why but writing about things that happen in real life (i.e. these blog posts, past articles I've written for various publications and companies) makes more sense to me. Sure, I have a ton of stories bouncing around in my mind, but I think I connect better with readers when I can just be myself, warts and all. I still may write the occasional YA/NA novel (my third novel is one I feel compelled to write/publish) but my focus will be different this time around. 

Now we come back to St. Francis de Sales... I've been wondering all year if this was why he kept popping up in my life whenever I questioned my career choices. I kept thinking to myself, "does this mean I should give writing another shot?" He is the patron saint of writers... but he's also the patron saint against deafness which falls in the speech-language pathology field. I'm currently studying for speech-pathology AND audiology as part of my second Bachelor's program so I've been learning more about the deaf community this semester. I have more audiology courses next semester so, you know, I won't be surprised if he continues popping up in my life through graduation.

Could it be possible that God wants me to work in both fields? It is a possible option, after all. After I finish my degree (if I can pass my courses this and next semester), I plan on doing my license hours so I can get my SLPA license. There will be a lot of free time in between graduation and when the license hours will be completed since the local programs will begin in September and end in November... if I can get into the cohort that begins in Fall 2018. If I don't, I'll have to apply for the Spring 2019 cohorts (which end in April) and see if I can get into them. In the meantime, I'll need to do something (work-wise) to begin paying back my student loans. Is this what you meant, God (via St. Francis de Sales)?

I've been saying (for weeks/months) that I don't feel like I'm meant to keep my focus solely on the speech-language pathology field, even going as far as saying that I didn't see myself doing it long term. Could it possible that it was because I had to figure out that I was meant to do both? I guess I'll just have to wait for more clarity from God. For now, I'm going to continue to try to work as hard as I can in my coursework and exams... and try to get the third novel completed and published. I probably won't get the novel finished until sometime next year but, at least, I'll have a way to reward myself for doing well on my exams (for every passed exam, a full day of just writing and no studying).

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. Please feel free to follow me on Twitter. I can't guarantee I'll check it daily or as often as before but now I'll be able to keep in touch with some of y'all with whom I'd lost touch when I closed down the @nerdwriter account. 

That's it for now. I have an exam to study for and an assignment to complete... and then more writing to do. Whoo! :D

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I Hate This... But I'll Do it For You, God.

Have you ever hated doing something so much but you knew/felt like it was God's will for you so you just pushed through it, tears and all? That's where I am right now.

I seem to have an emotional breakdown every 2-3 weeks while I'm studying. I get tired of working hard and not have it go well. It's usually due to lack of concentration and mental fog... or lack to time to study properly. There is one class that usually brings out the tears: the notorious (and universally despised amongst my coursemates) second hardest course of the program.

Wait, second hardest?! you may be asking. Yes, this isn't even the hardest course. That one is waiting for me next semester. Send paper bags to Melissa Cecilia at... lol.

I would be lying if I said that I wish I could quit. I mean, I can quit -- no one is forcing me to stay in this program -- but I've chosen not to quit because this seems to be what God has in store for me. Every time I feel like I won't pass an exam... like I didn't have enough time... like I don't have it in me to continue, God shows me otherwise.

I miraculously passed both of my exams this past weekend. For Saturday's class, I literally only had that day to study because of some circumstances beyond my control (I ended up in the emergency room for crazy palpitations which I had for three days in a row last week) and I had my highest exam grade of the semester. I knew Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (whose picture I keep on my desk) interceded for me because I had zero confidence going into the exam.

I'm sure I will want to quit again before the semester is over and/or before graduation, if I make it through this and next semester. This program has really tested me in many ways... but I think that's why God wants me to keep going. Even if I end up doing something else after graduation, pushing through my self-doubt, beyond my comfort level, and willingly pushing myself through all of this while dealing with a number of other things is doing me a lot of good.

For one thing, this is helping me practice trusting God more. It's far easier to say that you trust God than to actually do it, especially when things look bleak. I keep reminding myself, "if this is what God wants from me, He will make sure I can accomplish what needs to be done to keep going forward." As I've said, He's shown me (more than once) that this is the path He wants me to take so I do it. I may take a couple of minutes to cry and complain about how much I hate this program but, once it's out of my system, I wipe away the tears and continue watching the lecture videos or doing the assignment that has caused the latest round of frustration.

For another thing, God is showing me that I'm much stronger than I think I am... but it's all done with His help. I know I haven't been able to overcome some of the more depressing and frustrating moments of the semester without His help. I can't do anything worth doing without His help. I know He gives me the fortitude and the graces to continue. Do I deserve them? I may not think so but He gives them to me anyway (yes, I know it's because He loves me) and for that I am grateful.

You know, I feel very spoiled in the area of hardships. I've been a very fortunate gal who hasn't had the hardships others have had. Yes, I've experienced a lot of things that I'm not sharing, but either my optimistic nature has made me focus on the silver linings of these situations and that's diminished the severity of them or I truly haven't been tested like others have. Either way, I feel like this is really testing me in ways I haven't known before and it's helping to shape me into a (God willing) better version of myself. I feel like this is preparing better for my vocations (career and the big-V vocation) which is always a blessing.

Has anyone ever been through something similar? Finding yourself in an overwhelming situation that you could potentially get yourself out of but choosing to see it through because you knew/felt like it was God's will for you to continue until the end? How did you persevere?

Those are my thoughts for now. I have a chance to do lecture videos and do an exam for a course a week early so I'm going to try to do that... as soon as I catch up on the days worth of emails that have accumulated in my inbox. I'm behind on emails, NaNoWriMo (yes, I'm participating; no, it's not something a sane person would do), and a couple of things that have been neglected in the past couple of days in favor of studying for exams.

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have been having a great week thus far.

If you're doing the 54-day Rosary novena along with us, let me know how it's going thus far. My apologies for the inability to tag y'all in the FB page; apparently Facebook changed some things since last year and I'm unable to tag most of you, unlike last year. Keep going! We're already a week into it. ;)

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"Congrats on Graduating!" ... But I'm Not.

Taken during this weekend's studying frenzy, hence the flash cards everywhere.

Since Saturday, I've received postcards and phone calls congratulating me on my upcoming graduation. "You must be excited! May 6th will come before you know it!" It gets a little awkward when I have to say "Oh, thank you... but I'm not graduating yet. I'm not scheduled to graduate until December." You can hear a pin drop while the information registers in the mind of whoever called. Cue the awkward pause and nervous chatter that follows it.

Long story short, I was scheduled to graduate this semester but, for reasons only God knows, it had to be pushed back from this May to this upcoming December; from the end of Spring semester to the end of Fall semester. I don't think they've updated their database at Utah State (where I'm currently on track to finish my second Bachelor of Arts in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education) because, well, I keep getting these calls and things in the mail. Oh, I still asked for the tassel to be sent to my house since I'll technically finish in the year 2017 and I want that tassel that says 2017. lol.

I've actually been thinking a lot about school and graduation in the last couple of weeks. Actually, scratch that; it's been on my mind for months. I was going to wait a bit longer to write about this but, well, it's been a big theme for me this Lent: I'm not even sure that I'm going to finish this degree. Only three of my closest friends have known about this for weeks because I've asked for their opinions and/or just needed to get the thoughts that were bouncing around in my mind out into the open.

No, I'm not quitting... exactly. In the past couple of weeks/months -- especially following the end of the 54-day Rosary novena -- I've felt like God is calling me down a different path on which I won't need this degree. I don't know whether that means I won't be working in this field too long after graduation or if it means that a job will come along which will pull me away from finishing this degree... but it's something along those lines. I'm perfectly at peace with either option. I've gained a lot of clarity which has brought that inner peace during this Lenten season.

First, the main theme for this Lent seems to have been a renewal and recommitment to trusting God despite my fears. The doctor appointments / random ER visit, the last-minute trip to Mexico, and the other things I will eventually write about in the coming days and weeks... it's all been about trusting God.

I can almost hear God asking me, "do you trust me?" whenever a difficult situation comes up.

"Yes," I answer, though, truthfully, sometimes it's done with some apprehension because letting go is easier said than done. More like "I'm trying to but, yes, it's ultimately what I want to do."

"Then let go and let Me take care of it," I can imagine Him saying to me.

I let go of a fear about something I needed to take for my health. After having had a number of adverse reactions to medications and allergies and intolerances to foods, I'd developed a fear of trying anything new out of fear of ending up in the hospital. I'll hopefully find out if what I'm taking (while I haven't been taking for very long) has made a bit of difference. My doctors were finally able to get me a hematology appointment after trying to get it approved for years (yes, years plural). I hope that we'll soon know why my red and white blood cells, as well as my platelets, have been on a downward trend in the last couple of years. I'm still hoping the answer is as simple as it being a result of my health crashing from overdoing it and not taking care of myself three years ago -- then the relapse following the car accident a year and a half ago -- as well as a poor diet that has led my folate level to be at dismal number/level.

Just like I let go of that fear to do something that will make me healthier, I'm going to let go of my fears of financial instability. I'm going to let God guide me down whatever career path He wants me to take, even if it's something radically new. He knows better than I do what I need to do in order to do His will. If I somehow do end up having to leave the degree unfinished, I'm not going to regret or lament it.

Not finishing the degree won't mean that I've quit out for selfish reasons or because I couldn't handle it. It'll simply mean that I've chosen to follow God's path for me rather than my own. I've already made peace with the fact that I'm not going to go back and finish my Master's in Theology either. Oh, I've received a lot of clarity about that (no Theology MA) and I'm owing that to St. Francis de Sales who seems to have somehow become my (surprise/unplanned) patron this Lent. Again, I'm not sure if this will happen but I'm at peace with it if this is what ends up happening.

If I do end up finishing this degree -- which is looking like the most likely outcome at this point -- I've already made the decision not to attend the graduation ceremony. After hearing about how graduation is celebrated in Italy (shout out and a public "congrats!" to my good friend, Francesca, who received her Master's degree in Italy last month) and comparing it to how it's celebrated in the States, I decided against it. It's not my style. Need I remind longtime readers what I did during my first undergrad graduation ceremony? lol. If I finish this degree, I'll opt for a homemade dinner with family and close friends; a way of thanking them for all their support. Okay, maybe I'll add a trip to Disneyland to celebrate if I can afford it. lol.

Everything is up in the air in terms of the future of my education and career but that's okay. I have plans for the current path I'm in: finish the degree in December, work on the required (in CA) 100 supervised hours before receiving my license to become a speech-language pathology assistant (SLPA) either March through May or September through November of 2018 (depending which school/program I can complete the hours in), and then start working. I'll continue down this path until God makes His will for me clearer.

I can technically begin working as an SLPA in other states because I've already completed the required 25 supervised hours that many states ask for (I completed them last semester) so maybe God will call me to work in another state that doesn't have as many requirements in CA as soon as I graduate. Maybe the autobiography I'm ghostwriting (have I written about that yet?) will kick-start the writing career I've always dreamed about. I don't know. All I know is that I've placed my future in God's hands and I trust that He will lead me to Him... and that's all I want.

Anyway, I wanted to write and this is what came out. I don't know how much blogging I'll get done this week. I'm starting to study for finals and then we (Mom and I) are going to try to do only what's necessary from Thursday evening through Sunday morning; for the Paschal Triduum. That means no music (uber hard for me), no TV (not sure if Mom can go without TV, lol), and little to no online time (it'll depend on a group project but I'll most likely choose to not use my laptop nor the iPod touch during the Triduum). I do have reading and studying planned since I need to study and the reading is all centered around the Passion and my relationship with God but that's about it.

If, in your charity, you can please say a pray for clarity regarding my education and career path, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Complete Trust and Total Surrender?

Your eyes do not deceive you. It's another blog post... a week later. lol. Y'all know my excuse: coursework. I spent the entire week last week studying for a "do or die" exam. I spent about 12 hours seated in a chair in the kitchen, going over lecture videos and flash cards until it was time to sleep on some days. Other days I had other things going on so I didn't get nearly enough time to study. I even caught myself repeating some memorized terms while I was falling asleep or even waking up. I was in the zone. I even paid for my exam this time around (I couldn't get to see my regular proctor this past week). I took my exam on Saturday morning. I was confident while taking the exam. "Oh, I know this! And this! Yes, I'm going to pass...!" Half an hour later: 66%. My reaction was to be speechless after saying: "wait, I'm sorry... what?! 66%?! How's that possible? I knew this material!"

I spent an entire week focused on nothing (observation hours excluded) but studying. I took a break from social media for several days, only updating the Rosary novena dates via Twitter and FB for those who asked to be reminded. Texts went unanswered for hours at a time. I fell behind on emails. It didn't matter. I worked the hardest I've ever worked on any exam... and I didn't pass. Since it was a "do or die" exam, it meant I wasn't going to pass the class with the required B- needed to take three of the last courses prior to graduation.

I cried for a minute or two. I was disappointed. I put everything I had into this exam. I hadn't experienced any mental fog while studying for it. I ate well. I slept well. I kept my anxiety levels down for most days (side note: I had a weird 12 hours of continual anxiety and palpitations on Wednesday night into Thursday morning). There was literally nothing else I could do to pass this exam that wasn't cheating -- which will never be an option.

Though I was disappointed, I was also oddly at peace with everything. It wasn't the end of the world. It just meant that I had to change my plans again. I've been doing that most of my adult life. I'll have to retake this course next semester along with another (new) course and take the last three classes I was planning to take in the Spring during the Summer and/or Fall 2017 semesters. Instead of graduating next semester (Spring), it means I'll have to graduate either in the Summer or Fall 2017, only 3-7 months later than anticipated. Everything will be delayed for less than a year. Even if I wasn't getting a chance to continue this degree, I have options to keep moving forward.

I think it was appropriate that this happened the day before the feast of Christ the King. I was lovely to be reminded that when chips it the fan, it simply means that it wasn't the time for it yet. God has plans for me -- plans greater than I could ever imagine -- that I'm not going to fight it. I'm just going to adapt myself to whatever obstacles pop up. I'm so confident that this is the path God wants me to take right now that I don't mind the delay. It might be because I'm so used to it. I started college a year later than I should've despite graduating from high school a year and a half ahead of schedule. I graduate with my first degree 4-5 years later than I should've. I didn't move to England to finish my first degree, having to stay in L.A. My vocation has also been (obviously) delayed, for whatever reason. Christ is King. I have put my life in His hands and I trust that everything will happen when it's supposed to. Again, I will have to roll with the punches as they come but I'm confident that He is helping lead me down whatever path He wants me to take when He wants me to take it. I'm not going to worry about. That goes for everything -- health, school, career, vocation... every aspect of my life.

There has been a big change in me since I started the 54-day Rosary novena. A friend I've known for nearly a decade saw it in me when we went to a young adult group meeting two weekends ago. My mother has also noticed and commented on it (without knowing that my friend had also commented on it). I'm not quite sure what it is but, looking back at it, I can see what they're talking about. Maybe I've finally learned how to let go of what I can't control. Could it perhaps be a confidence / complete trust / total surrender in doing God's will? This wasn't even an intention for the novena but this novena is powerful. Even when things don't go well, amazing things happen. Perhaps this is one of the fruits of this novena. Who knows. We're only 21 days into it.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with y'all. I should have more time to blog this week but, again, don't quote me on it. Finals start December 7th and go through December 16th but the last modules/sections opened today so I'm going to try to finish all the final assignments by Wednesday so I can a) have more time to study for finals and b) do it in smaller, more manageable chunks so that I'm not completely overwhelmed during finals week(s). I should have more blogging time if I do things this way. Fingers crossed! I'll definitely blog tomorrow because it's a very special feast day for me. Hint: it's in my name. ;)

Alright, I should go do some homework or something. ;) Oh, wait...! Congrats to Catherine and Kimberly who were the Magnificat Advent Companion winners! I've sent both of you the codes and I hope you enjoy the iOS apps this Advent season.

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and enjoy this last week before Advent begins. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Big Decisions? More Prayer.

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the lack of updates but with the start of classes and a week-long virus (I spent almost all of last week in bed), I really didn't do much. Thankfully, I was able to complete all the work for the first week on the first day of classes last Monday so I wasn't stressed out and was able to sleep and rest as much as I needed. I'm still recovering from too much sleep (yes, there's such a thing) but am back to business.

My prayer life is almost where it was prior to the confusion and the spiritual dryness I had a couple of weeks ago. Concentration was shot because of the virus and now because I have too many thoughts racing around in my head (more on this in a bit) but I'm still soldiering on. I've missed Mass the last two weekends because I spent all day in bed, too sick to stand let alone drive (and I'm the only one who drives in this house), so I have a legitimate excuses for not attending. I still missed it though. I look forward to going to confession and Mass this week... during the week. Have I mentioned that I've missed going to Mass? 'Cause I have. A lot. I can haz Eucharist soon?

I've been a little preoccupied with school lately. Not so much the coursework (which is, basically, a repetition of what I did two years ago since all four classes are the same classes I had to withdraw from in Fall 2014). My current dilemma is figuring out whether grad school is an option that I need to pursue next month. Long story short, there's encouragement to continue straight onto grad school and become a fully licensed SLP after I complete this degree. It would mean 2-3 more years of intense coursework but it would also mean a lot more flexibility and options in the long run. However, grad school admittance rates are extraordinarily low for those who apply to the programs the first time so I don't know what to do. I literally cannot afford to apply to grad school and take the GRE AND do my SLPA license hours in case I don't get accepted to a grad program. Even if I decide to do my SLPA hours and forego grad school, I have to wait a year to do them since the waitlists at the two local accredited universities that offer them are currently at capacity for the next two semesters. I have a lot to think and pray about in the next couple of weeks; October is when grad school applications for Fall 2017 open and I need to figure out if I'm going to take that risk of applying and potentially not getting accepted.

At this point, I'm not going to stress over any big decisions even though it's my "default setting" to get problems worked out ASAP. I'm going to have to have a lot of patience, a lot of trust, and park myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as I can in the next couple of weeks because I've resigned myself to doing what I think I should be doing. As we've seen in recent years, I don't rely enough on prayer and on God to help make these big decisions and I'm tired of wasting time and money and not getting anywhere. I think I've done the minimum when it comes to praying about big decisions and I want to change that. My way of doing things has not worked so I'm taking a new approach to things -- more prayer and a lot less over-analyzing things. I know I live too much in my mind and I confuse myself in the process. I also don't want to be impulsive. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I'll get there... I just have to work on patience along the way.

Anyway, that's really all that's been going on with me. Like I said, because I was sick all of last week (and I do mean the entire week) I mostly slept and tried to rest which is very hard for me to do at times because I don't like "wasting time" when I can be doing something. Who knows, maybe I needed to get sick as a reminder of what happens when I don't take time to take care of myself. It truly was a good reminder that I shouldn't just focus on coursework because without my health, I can't do anything.

I'm feeling a little lightheaded and blah today because I couldn't sleep well last night (depression symptoms are slowly waning) but I'm going to try at get some work done for my classes, even if it just means printing out the materials I need to study for my first exams in a couple of weeks. Gotta do something. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. If I can pray about anything for y'all, please let me know. ;)

As always, thanks for reading (and praying for me)!

God bless,

 

Shutting Down the Blog, Questioning Faith, and Other Conundrums

I almost shut down this blog this week. Almost. Then I received a message from a new reader (or a long-time reader who'd never reached out before) that renewed my commitment to keep it and continue writing as authentically as possible. I still don't think I'll write as often as I have in past weeks because classes are about to start and it's a crazy semester but I'll write when I feel like sharing something going on in my life.

I questioned the strength of my faith. I questioned my own faith. Not Catholicism nor God. I simply questioned myself in how my faith fits into my life. I didn't want to pray. I literally forced myself to pray because I didn't want to. A lot of things didn't make sense to me. I've never had a spiritual dryness this intense before. I'm still struggling with a couple of things. I'm hoping confession and Mass later today will help.

I almost quit the SLP field for something I haven't considered doing since I was in my late teens-early 20s. My spiritual director brought it (the career path) up last year, seemingly out of the blue, and I had dismissed it. Something changed this week and I reconsidered it. I talked to a couple of close friends and they all seemed excited for me. The career is a good fit for me in some ways but would take me out of my introvert bubble/comfort zone. It would mean starting (almost) from zero. It means a lot of hard work ahead of me. It means facing some of the fears I had at 20 and returning to something that once brought me both joy and pain. I'm still unsure of whether I'll go down this path but I will finish my degree, at least.

I almost did a couple of things impulsively... which was very unusual for me. Amongst these things included plans to move out of the country to pursue the aforementioned career path; to follow my heart. I almost did a lot of things that seemed out of character for me because I was swimming in a sea of confusion and I couldn't make out which way was up. I still feel like I've yet to come up for air but at least I think I'm coming closer to the surface.

I don't know what I'm doing these days, if I'm honest. I feel as if I'm being pulled in many different directions and I don't know which way to go, what to do, or who/what to believe. I'm not sure if it's all spiritual dryness, a spiritual attack, or just the misfortune of having too many options. I didn't foresee any of this happening, especially not after the summer I've been having thus far; not a week before classes begin.

Pray for me, dear readers, because I feel lost and I can't see a way out anytime soon.

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Almost Left Grad School

The past couple of days have been a bit of a crazy whirlwind of confusion, stress, and disappointment for me. Why?, you may be wondering (if you didn't see the Instagram post or get a long email from me). Simple: I almost left JP Catholic's graduate program and I had to come up with my final decision and options in two days (by today). 

Basically, it all boiled down to not having the GPA (or so I thought) to continue in the program. I believe I received an 86% final grade for my course (did well on everything except the essay portion of the final exam which hurt the final grade). Between this B and the 2.85 GPA from the disastrous Fall quarter, I have a 2.92 GPA. The GPA minimum was a 3.0. My brain automatically went "Mayday! Mayday!" 

As soon as I figure out my culminative GPA, I went into planning mode because I sure wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. While I waited for confirmation about having to leave the program, I looked into different things. I looked at the nearby school that has a Speech-Language Pathology program, having the option to finish the state requirements to start working as an SLPA (Speech-Language Pathology Assistant). I do have classes (in which I did well) under my belt from my time at Utah State. I also remembered that I had options to do my Theology degree elsewhere but, honestly, I wasn't super thrilled about any of the other programs (that I could do online). 

I kept trying to remind myself that I was sure that Theology was the path God wanted me to take but doubt momentarily crept into my mind. "What if I discerned my career path wrong? What if this was just so that I could get the Theology bug out of my system? What if this was just so I could grow spiritually?" I looked at jobs I can do in the Archdiocese with my BA degree and my work experience. A few came up but nothing that I was sure was a right fit for me. I looked at jobs out of state. Some were exactly what I wanted to do but then I remembered that my savings have been depleted and I have responsibilities in L.A. so no go.

I finally got word that the minimum GPA to stay in the program was lowered to a 2.7 as of this Spring so I could stay. My scholarship would be decreased by 20% but that wasn't a big deal for me. Though I could stay, I then wondered if I wanted to stay. While my professor is brilliant and I enjoy his classes, I've traditionally done poorly on the essay portion of his final exams. Sure, I do well on everything else but I tank on the essays in the final exams. "What if I can't get a good enough grade to keep the 2.7 minimum? What if I can't 'get' what the professor wants in the final exam?" Oh, "What Ifs...", my old anxiety-inducing friend. Nope, I wasn't going to go down that rabbit hole.

I reached out to those whom I trust and told them what happened. I needed prayer. I needed to figure out what to do. Some encouraged me to return to the SLP field. Others just listened and said they'd pray for me. One friend told me to get in touch with my professor and talk to him about what he's looking for on the final exam. Another encouraged me to stick it out for one more quarter before leaving (if I still wanted to leave). I still haven't heard back from my professor but I hope he does get back to me before the next quarter (which begins on Monday) is in its second week.

What it came down to was choosing what I feel God is calling me to do. I was honest with myself -- if I did SLP, I would mostly be doing it for the financial stability more than anything. Yes, it would help people out and I loved working with the kids when I did on-site/field hours but passion and my heart are in the Theology field. That much was pointed out by at least two people; it's clear that I'm in my element when it comes to Theology. All the "what ifs" started getting answered. "What if... I couldn't find a decent job in L.A. once I graduate?" I'll move. "What if... I bomb out and then owe the government even more money for the three quarters I spent at JP Catholic?" I'll find a job and pay it back somehow. "What if... the money isn't enough since the field is so hard to get into and doesn't pay that well?" God will provide somehow.

I feel a peace about the path I'm on but I did have some doubts while things were in limbo. I need to remember to trust God, even when things are momentarily topsy turvy. I still feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing so I'm going to continue. If my GPA isn't that stellar and I have to leave, well, I'll deal with that if it happens. I've already taken proactive steps into improving as a student (reaching out to my professor; being on top of my work) and improving my health (doctor prescribed iron pills, folic acid, and vitamin C to help with my anemia and dismal folate level). All I can do now is pray and work hard and see what happens in the future.

Anyway, just sharing this part of my journey. It's not always glamorous or fun but stuff like this happens. 

I'm currently experiencing a pretty blah headache (possibly a migraine) so I'm going to rest for a little while before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope everyone has been doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What a Difference a Year Makes

This is a screencap of a status update from exactly one year ago on my private Facebook account.

I was in my second semester of Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education at Utah State. Though I definitely enjoyed the program (even when I was uber stressed out), the desire to start my Theology MA courses was strong. Still, I was in the program and thought of ways to finish the Speech-Language Pathology (SLP) degrees because it was what I felt pressured to do.

Yes, I wanted to do speech pathology because I loved the fact that I was helping others. I loved working with kids (and they seemed to like me when I did tests/screenings on them.) The fact that SLPs and SLPAs (assistants) are in high demand in L.A. -- especially those of us who are bilingual -- and that it would help our (mom and my) financial worries was a bonus. Still, it wasn't for me. I tried. I fought hard. My friends rooted me on. Maybe a little too hard.

Whenever I brought up the fact that my heart wasn't fully in the SLP program and that I felt the intense pull to do my Theology MA, I was reminded of financial stresses. I had so many people try to dissuade me from the Theology path. "There is no money in it." "It's hard to find jobs (that aren't teaching) in the field." Sometimes I would cry just thinking about how much pressure I felt to finish the program and start working... and to forget about the Theology MA.

We all know what happened. I failed. I got sick. It took me about 6 months just to get out of the underweight category for my weight/height. It took another 2-3 months to get rid of the anemia. Why? I overworked myself. I let the outside pressure blind me. I'm not blaming others. I made my own decisions. I know friends tried to root me on because they know how financially stressed mom and I have been since dad's death. With how much we pay for rent (ridiculously high in this city), bills, etc... we can get really stressed out. Friends just tried to use that to motivate me. They meant went. However, I should've listened to my heart which was leading me down the path I'm currently on.

This past year has been about learning to trust God. I still get the same talking points from friends. "The field is hard to get into." I know. "You won't earn much." That's okay. "You will probably end up teaching." Well, it's a good thing I have years worth of experience as a tutor and a teacher's aide so I know I can handle it. With my anxiety no longer being an obstacle, I've already taken the first steps to get involved in teaching and working in youth ministry.

I've prayed about my vocation (small v) long enough to know when I'm blinded by fear (which is also a lack of trust in God). While I know that getting a Theology MA won't bring as many employment opportunities as an SLP MS would, I'm doing something that I feel that God wants me to do. That's enough for me. He will provide. I still think I had to fail in order to humble myself from the years worth of academic pride that I had accumulated. I'm okay with that. It's helped me grow as a person.

The more "On This Day" updates I get from Facebook, the more certain I am that I made the right decision in the end. It was right for me to let go of my academic pride and to take care of myself -- something which was hard but that I learned was necessary. God has been providing for mom and I in little ways (seriously, how are my novels still selling when I don't actively advertise them?) and I know He will continue to do the same after I finish this program.

I know these "serious" blog posts haven't been popular but, you know what, it's my blog. Yes, I do see everything as a learning experience; as another opportunity to learn to know and love God. Yes, I share these experiences because (for me personally) I know how someone's experience can help inspire/motivate someone who may be in the same boat. I'm sorry if people don't want to read them but it's just who I am and these are my thoughts and for that I won't apologize. :) This blog has always been titled Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer because it's what I share in my life. :)

Anyway, just something I wanted to share my experience about learning to trust because I've seen friends in similar situations that I was a year ago. Trust God and let go of outside influences. Thank everyone for their support (even when it feels like they're trying to steer you in a different direction) but remember that He is the one who will lead you down the exact path you're meant to be on. :)

That's it from me for now. I rented Cinderella (which I never saw in theaters) and Little Boy (which I did watch in theaters) from Redbox and I want to get to them tonight. :D

I hope y'all have a great rest of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The End of the SLP vs Theology Roller Coaster Ride

Your eyes don't deceive you, this is an actual (new) blog post. Hooray! lol. Sorry about the almost two week "cone of silence." I had a couple of major exams to do and last week was my busiest week of the semester (I lost track of how many assignments were due in the span of 4 days) so I spent my week studying, finishing my research paper, and completing the rest of my assignments. To say that I'm mentally exhausted at this point would be somewhat accurate. I was actually much more tired at the end of last week but I have a very easy week this week so I'm getting my second wind, academia-wise.

I had some major decisions to make during the past two weeks, mainly having to do with academic and career paths. As many of you know, I've been considering finishing out this semester and leaving the COMD program because of how stressful it's been and how it's affected my health. My weight is back down to the underweight range and the anxiety I worked hard to get under control over the summer has returned. It's just not a pretty picture. The anxiety has been manageable (thanks be to God) but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep it from turning into a full blown panic attack.

I'll admit, I had a good cry two weekends ago. I was so overwhelmed and I felt so pressured that I felt I had reached my breaking point. I couldn't listen to the recorded lecture of a particular professor without crying. I'd been bottling up the majority of my stress for so many weeks that I just needed the release... and my usual method of release is to have a good cry. I cried, went to bed early, and woke up feeling better. I think the reason for that was because I decided to leave everything in God's hands.

Have you ever worked so hard on something (giving it more than you've ever given anything else) to have that thing not work out for you? That's kind of the boat I'm in right now. I've worked hard in this program (sometimes not eating and/or sleeping because of how much needs to be done) and to be barely passing the courses is kind of a blow. Unfortunately, I'm not the only one in this program who is going through it. I've spoken to a number of my classmates and they're also experiencing this crushing blow to their self-esteems (their words, not mine) during the semester. Many of us want to leave the program because of issues we're having either with professors or the classes themselves. Please pray for us all!

... and now I've gotten off track. The decision of leaving everything in God's names and not worrying about things is taking a lot of pressure and stress off of me. I had my chat with Him in Adoration last Friday and I'm at peace with having a plan B and a plan C in case the SLP path doesn't work out for me. After all, I'm not going to be doing what I want but what He wants of me; His will, not mine.

Plan A is to continue (and finish) this program if I pass this semester... and I'm going to need a lot of prayers as I heard one course next semester is the hardest in the program. Upon completion the program, I'll be finishing the rest of my fieldwork hours (a total of 110 are necessary in the state of CA) through an accredited school and then applying for my license as soon as I finish them. I'll work for a little bit before applying to grad school for my Theology M.A.

Plan B: If I don't pass a class or two this semester, I'll be leaving the COMD program at USU. It's not worth the stress or the $ I'm paying to have to re-do certain classes with certain professors. If this happens, I could possibly take the Spring semester off and apply to grad schools for my Theology M.A. I've already been in contact with a couple of schools so I'm prepared to take that route if I need to earlier than originally planned.

Plan C: If I want to continue the SLP path (and I feel like I should, despite everything), the plan is to apply for entrance at a local community college that is accredited by the state to get all the fieldwork hours and the rest of my courses completed before I can apply for my license. The only downside to this is that it would take me an extra year or so to complete as the program at the local CC is different than USU's and thus has different requirements. I'd be applying for my Theology M.A. after a brief academic break to work.

As you can see, I'm still pursuing my Theology M.A. no matter what happens. When I (briefly) considered taking a leave of absence this semester and considered going straight to grad school next autumn, I felt at peace. Just thinking that I'll eventually go for my Theology M.A. makes me incredibly happy. I once thought I wouldn't go down the teaching route but I've had a change of heart.

If I learned anything from this program (other than homegirl can handle so much more stress than I thought possible), it's that I work well with children and I love teaching them. I tutored after graduation (for my first BA) and I've work with children for my labs and observation hours for this program and I absolutely love it. I definitely have the patience to teach (SLP is, in a weird way, all about teaching as well) and I'm a big kid at heart so it's a good fit for me. I'm also open to working in youth ministry (yes, I can feel some of you cringing but I don't care). The bottom point is that I feel like I'm meant to work with youth (either children or teenagers). Whether that will be in the SLPA or Theology fields remains to be seen.

So... there you have it. That's the end of the SLP vs Theology roller coaster ride. I should also say that I'm also open to working in the "Theology" field is the opportunity presents itself before I finish either program. I know I'm meant to work in the field so it's really up to God when He thinks I'm ready for it. SLP has always been a small detour to getting there. God is in control and I have absolutely no problem letting Him guide my path.

Even though I'm a lot less "must ace everything... must ace everything..." than I was prior to these decisions, I am still giving the rest of the semester / program all my best so I need to go study for my upcoming Audiology exam this Friday. Prayers, please? Thank you in advance!

And that's all for now. I need to go pick up mom from work, then finish cleaning the house, and then doing the lectures for Audiology. I will try to blog again before the week ends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D