My Lenten Plans: The "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020," Silence, and Self-Care

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I was going to give up or add for Lent. There were so many options because there's so much I need to work on. After taking everything into consideration I decided to do three big things: "the great entertainment purge of 2020" (and, yes, it's as crazy as it sounds), embracing silence, and focusing on self-care -- all of which I'm horrible at but desperately need.

After listening to this inspiring sermon on the 7-Week Challenge to Conquer Technological Idolatry on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube channel last week, I decided to take up this challenge and thus my first big penance/goal was born. After reading Pope Pius XI's Papal Encyclical on Motion Pictures (Vigilanti Cura) -- which was mentioned in the sermon -- I decided to give up the majority of entertainment for Lent. As someone who turns to distractions such as social media, movies, and TV shows when anxiety, boredom, or illness strike, this is going to be hard for me.

I know I will get criticism for "going to the extreme" but I've decided to extend this beyond Lent. In  fact, during this Lenten season, I'm going to do what I'm dubbing to be the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020." All movies, TV shows, music, and books that are problematic (for me) and will cause my mind to wander to dangerous territory is getting thrown out. No, not donated. Thrown out. That means I will be throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of material but I don't care. I cannot, in good conscience, keep these things around. And, it's not going to be easy.

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) Gene Kelly musicals, On the Town, will be the first to go. Why? Have any of you watched it? It's lovely with the dancing and the singing... but there's so much alluded to and implied that is, well, unchaste. Yes, go ahead. Judge me. Call me a prude. Tell me that I'm being too scrupulous and/or unrealistic for wanting to give up all forms of entertainment that contain these things but I just can't keep them.

When I decided to get serious about discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity, I also decided to be even more mindful of what things I consumed. When I really stopped to take inventory of the type of music I listened to (and really listen to the lyrics), what movies and TV shows I watched, and what books I read, I could see where I wasn't being as careful as I probably should have. And, again, yes, you can call me scrupulous but it just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been examining my conscience and my heart for some time now and I've come to realize that, because of my wildly active imagination, I can very easily fall into the temptation to have unchaste thoughts due to the media I consume. I've gotten better at it but it's still a struggle for me. I know how my mind works; I know how easily my mind jumps from one thing to another and stays on that thing until it's distracted by something else. I know how these things linger in my mind or will come up again, even years later. I don't want that. I want a clean heart and mind. I can't achieve that if I'm constantly remembering things that dirtied up my mind; things that I shouldn't have seen/read/heard in the first place. That is why I'm doing it.

Of course, this goes with my second (of three) big Lenten plans: embracing silence. These last 3 weeks since I returned to social media post-digital detox month have shown me how much I miss that silence I felt during that month. I also cut my entertainment consumption during that time and I saw the fruits it bore. It put me in the right state of mind to begin doing good research of my vocation discernment and to find that peace I was looking for. Taking my beloved Monks of Norcia (my spiritual family/home) as inspiration, I decided not to speak (or write... or tweet.... or text...) if it's either not necessary or doesn't help or edify anyone.

We're so afraid to be silent and alone with our thoughts but it's in that silence that we can hear God speaking to us. The Monks of Norcia started using sign language to limit verbal communication and only to communicate the important things and I think that's beautiful. I want (and, I'll be honest, crave) that silence now more than ever. Not only for my discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity but also in other important things I need to do, such as consider a change in career and in my attempts to really do what I can to get myself healthy.

I've read enough research and studies that all state that silence (read: lack of constant stimulus) and rest can have great health benefits, especially for someone who is chronically ill and/or in recovery mode. Since my current recovery process is still in its early stages and it's going by much, much slower than after previous relapses, I decided that my third Lenten penance/goal is to focus on self-care. And, as if I needed another "sign" that this was what I needed to do, this excellent article on what to give up for Lent (based on your temperament) by my fellow epicPew writer, Chloe Langr, really inspired me to go for it.

As a melancholic-phlegmatic (I'm apparently no longer a phlegmatic-sanguine), the article suggested I prioritize self-care and practice saying "no" and creating healthy boundaries (for melancholics) and give up pushing the snooze button (as a phlegmatic; I'm totally guilty of doing this several times each morning). That shouldn't seem like a big deal but those who know me know how hard it will be for me to go through with these things. I tend to sacrifice sleeping, eating, resting, etc. for others. If someone asks me to do something, I won't rest until it's done. It's that people-pleasing habit that hasn't fully gone away. The only time that I allow myself to take care of myself is when I'm so sick that I cannot do a good job at what's needed... and even then, I feel super guilty for not doing it. As the article correctly states, I have a hard time saying "no" and I need to. As I said earlier, my recovery this time around is worryingly slow than usual so I need to really take care of myself. How can I be of service to others if I can't even function?

Self-care is going to mean going to bed at an earlier time so I can get plenty of rest and not have the temptation to hit the snooze button in the morning. It also mean really pushing forward with the reintroduction of new foods into my diet (we've added 3 new things since the last time I mentioned it but I have to eat them sparingly as too much and/or too often makes me feel sick), drinking 8 cups of water instead of my usual 6, and not pushing my mind or my body to do more when I feel tired. It means no taking on any more commitments than I already have.

Of course, all of these things are going to be tied into one big thing that I'm adding: more time in prayer and more time with God.

I already mentioned the benefit of the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020". Yes, I will be using that as a hashtag on social media during Lent.

When I need to be distracted? More prayer time or reading a spiritually-fulfilling book. If I get bored, I'm going to allow myself to be bored. Radical idea, I know. lol. I don't remember what article it was, but I read that getting 2 hours of silence per day and not having any additional stimulus is good for your health. It'll also be an excellent time to talk to God about what is on my heart and mind.

Motivation to go to bed earlier and not hit the snooze button? Early morning daily Mass. I'll go each morning that I'm feeling physically well enough to attend in person and I'll watch it live when I'm homebound. That and every chance I can take to go to Adoration, I'm taking. Again, I don't know how often this will happen with my chronic fatigue and my lack of car (though this should soon be fixed!) but it's a great motivator!

Motivation to practice self-care; to drink and eat better? My Oblate retreat in a couple of months. I want to get healthy enough to go to the retreat and be able to attend all the Masses, prayer times in the chapel (read: Divine Office hours), and talks without worrying about my health being a factor. Also, since I will be traveling for the retreat, I'm going to have to get used to an earlier bedtime and wake-up time since it'll be in a different time zone.

And, those, ladies and gentlemen, are my big Lenten plans. If you're wondering where social media fits into it -- I'll still be active but I'll have restricted hours. I set up my Freedom app (yes, that's an affiliate link) to block out all social media, news, and entertainment content from 4 a.m. - 5 p.m. during the week and 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends months ago but I may add another 2-4 hours to those schedules during Lent. I don't *need* to be on social media for that long; it'll defeat the whole purpose of being silent and only communicating good things. When I need to post links, I'll keep using HootSuite. I'll reply to messages on social media, but only in the evenings and nights. I'm limiting my time for both my own sanity and as penance.

So, those are my Lenten plans. What are yours? I can't wait to see what y'all have come up with!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat and drink something because I haven't had much of either all day and it's a quarter 'til 4 p.m. Oops. Did I mention I'm terrible at self-care? Yeeeah. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Shhh! Silence!

It took me a week and a half to update this blog because I've been trying to embrace the silence in my life, including that which comes from eschewing social media and technology as much as possible.

When the New Year started, I decided to embrace the silence and calm of Advent and extend it all year 'round. I've felt burnt out on social media -- and the internet in general -- for so long that take any and every opportunity to stay offline. I love that I can go days without logging in and people don't notice. I suspect that no one really cares, either. It's both humbling and wonderful.

Of course, it's not easy to stay completely offline. Almost everyone in my life seems to live on social media... or, at the very least, use it to communicate rather than sending emails or text messages. I've tried to get a few people to text more regularly so I can use social media less but it seems like too much of a hassle to them. Thankfully, my best friend probably dislikes social media more than I do so our friendship is lived out offline, albeit through texts since we're both in different countries at the moment.

I use the internet for work as well. I can't write or send in my work without the use of it. Although I sometimes wish I had something else to do, I do actually enjoy writing. It also seems to be what God wants me to continue doing. Trust me, there have been times when I've said, "God, what else can I do?" during Mass and an internal voice says, "Write. Just write" before I get a lot more writing work.

I'll admit that I envy those who have fuller lives offline, giving them excuses to avoid the use of it. I admire (and envy) my best friend and two other dear friends who are so busy with work (bestie) and their families (two other friends) that they don't have a lot of time to sit around to scroll through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I wish that were the case for me -- that I had other things going on that would give me an excuse to avoid it.

Actually, my time has been taken up by prayer and housework lately. I pray as many hours in the Divine Office and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. In fact, I took a break from writing this to pray Vespers. Do you know how long it takes me to get through all my morning prayers when I wake up -- and I do intentionally pray before I do anything else? Anywhere between half an hour to an hour, depending on how much I have to do and how asleep I am. If you think that's too long, think about how much time you spend scrolling through social media each morning. Yes, that's where I got my time to pray -- using social media less and using that time to pray in silence. Ditto with housework.

I enjoy the silence. I didn't always use to. In fact, silence made me uncomfortable. If I'm being completely honest, it still occasionally does. Sometimes I feel like I need to have an audiobook, a podcast, or some music on even when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Why is that? If I feel so overstimulated, why do I feel the need to fill the silent moments with more noise instead of just letting my mind simmer down in the silence? For those of you who feel burnt out and overstimulated by noise and social media, I ask the same questions. Think about them. Why do you add more when you already feel overwhelmed?

For me, it came down to the fact that it's because it's what I've been accustomed to... and what scared me. Most of us are used to having dozens of things going on at once. Most of us can't even read one book at a time; we need to have at least two going on at once. We have many tabs on our browsers open. We have our phones closely because of the FOMO and the addiction to those pesky notifications. We have music or something on in the background while we do just about anything in our waking hours.

I had one big question to ask myself as I embarked on this journey: What was I so afraid of that I needed to keep noise in my life at all times? I'm still not quite sure I know the full answer but I have a feeling that perhaps I've been afraid of hearing what God had to say to me.

I'm genuinely afraid that I won't have the strength or courage to do what God may call me to do. I fear that I'll just crumble under stress or discouragement if I fail to do what is asked of me. I did that with my vocation discernment for a long time. When I finally opened up myself to whatever God willed for me -- even if it was something that took me away from something I wanted to do -- the silence stopped bothering me as much. Opening up myself to His will and not my own helped... but I still occasionally have my moments of self-doubt and that's when I want to default to bringing in more noise into my life.

As a budding Benedictine Oblate, I've had to learn to use my time more purposefully; to not waste it away like I use to. I try to work AND pray in silence as much as possible. Think cleaning an apartment in which two adult women live is easy? Nope. It's neverending cleaning, cooking, and washing. Instead of waiting to clean one or two days a week, I try to do little bits every day. I try to do one thing at a time because my concentration is so horrendous from multitasking for most of my life; also done in silence since I've found that it helps with concentration. All of that silence and work adds up and that usually means I don't have much time for anything else before I have to (correction: choose to) shut my devices (iPod touch, iPhone, Kindle, laptop, TV, etc.) off.

As I try to keep up with the Divine Office AND the Little Office, I have less time to scroll aimlessly through social media. I turn off all social media and emails at 9:59 p.m. and don't pick them up again until the following day. If I don't feel tired enough to sleep at 10 p.m., I take out a book and read. I'm trying to "wean" myself off of using the Kindle at night, opting to use a booklight and read a physical book. I've had a weird sleeping schedule (anywhere between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.) for about two weeks now so I'm trying to see if that helps get my internal clock back on track.

In the morning, I don't touch anything that isn't part of my prayer routine. Most days lately, I don't even have time to go on social media until the afternoon because I spend most of the early morning hours praying or making breakfast or doing something else. It's a routine that I've been loving most days. Yes, some days are harder than others -- especially when I'm feeling more sociable -- but it's been what has best worked for me and my spiritual life.

It all comes back to God. I'm embracing silence to best hear Him, even if I fear I'll fail. I'm embracing the Benedictine spirituality because it's what's helped me grow in my spiritual life the most; what's helped my relationship with God. Yes, that sometimes means praying when I can be doing something else like sleeping or chatting online. I choose to pray before I do anything because I know that as soon as I check emails and/or social media, I won't be able to concentrate on the prayers. All of this is done as quietly and intentionally as possible.

My routine isn't perfect. Sometimes I will log into social media or hit the "email" app out of habit. Sometimes I will turn on the KUSC or Overdrive apps because silence is bothering me. When this happens, it usually means I need to stop and listen to what God may be trying to say to me. Still, I try and start over if I have to. That's better than giving up or not even trying in the first place.

Does anyone else have the occasional problem with silence? If so, have you figured out what has been causing it? If you've been able to break a social media habit or the habit to have continuous noise in your life, do you have any tips you can share?

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure a lot of what I wrote was me going around in circles or not making much sense but I needed to get it out as a way to hold myself accountable for continuing this routine. That and it's almost 8 p.m. and I haven't had dinner yet. Oops. Yet another thing that I will need to do that will cut into my social media time before 10 p.m. Darn. ;)

I hope you've all been having a lovely month so far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Silencing the (Musical) Noise in My Life

For months, I've been working on a little project called "Mission: Delete Spotify and Other Music Streaming Services." Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?  lol.

Music and the lack of silence in my life have been some of my biggest stumbling blocks. Not that there's anything wrong with music. I love music. St. Cecilia seems to have chosen me as a confirmation patroness. I sang in the school choir growing up. I learned to play a bit of piano before I entered junior high. I moved onto the acoustic guitar in my teens. Music has always been one of the biggest parts of my life.

Music was what kept me sane after my father's death. In fact, I got home from the hospital where he passed (and where I was born) and I immediately turned on my music. It's my metaphorical comfort blanket. I almost always had it on... until recently.

When I took my social media break last week, I also took a break from TV, movies, and other streaming services. I embraced silence... and it was uncomfortable at first. I had made strides in this area during Lent but I took several steps back since then.

I don't do well with silence. I've never been comfortable with it. Lent is hard for me because of the silence I choose to adhere to during it; at least during Holy Week. I know it's because I overthink and overanalyze things; my brain is always processing something. But that's where the problem lies; I have way too much going on in my mind all the time.

After the week of (mostly) silence, it all changed. Suddenly, I could focus on things more clearly (despite the mental/brain fog). I was able to sleep better. I was calmer. My stress levels were down.

As an experiment, I reverted to my former habits and saw that I no longer like them. In fact, it made me feel worse! The cult of busyness and the pointless noise has overwhelmed me again, just 3 days into my experiment. I haven't been able to sleep as well. I'm more anxious. I can't concentrate. Because of this, I decided to go back to embracing the silence... and cutting out the excess noise.

Spotify and other streaming service add to that pointless noise I want to avoid.

I'll be the first to admit that I like songs without listening closely to the lyrics. Why? Because I usually have it on in the background and only pay attention to the melody. Then I get scandalized by the lyrics when I do listen to the lyrics. That's why I decided to uninstall Spotify from my laptop.

I have more specific reasons for this choice of course. Those reasons are:

• It encouraged idleness/laziness when I had the energy to do something else. Instead of dancing around like a loon when I had the energy, I could've done something that would've saved me the trouble when I have a chronic fatigue flare up and can barely function.
• Those terrible ads. Political ads were the only things I heard during the CA primaries earlier this month. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at Dianne "The dogma lives loudly in you" Feinstein trying to get me to vote for her. I didn't FYI. Also, really? Condom commercials when I clearly don't (intentionally) listen to overly scandalous music? Barf!
• I want to be more careful about what I listen to. Once I get the lyrics in my head (or the double meanings), I can't go back. I end up having to bring it up in the confessional. Pass.
• To kick both FOMO and pointless noise out of my life.

I added tons of albums and songs to my iTunes wish list. I won't get them all but if I ever have a little bit to spare and treat myself, I'll be getting a couple of songs or an album every couple of months. I also want to make sure I don't use it as an excuse to spend more money; I'll just add a little bit when I want something new to listen to.

This is my game plan. I've already done a lot of music purges over the years (which you can read about here, here, and here) but this is just a new one. Streaming music services are now a thing (paid downloads are down; radio is basically obsolete) so I had to put restrictions that work for me.

Of course, I still have KUSC to listen to on the radio in the car (I only have a radio; no cassette, CD, or mp3 ports in my 1998 Honda Civic), on the app, and online. It's all classical music and the ads aren't morally problematic so I always have that as an option as well.

Had anyone done anything like this? If so, how has it worked out for you?

I'm sharing this because I want to be held accountable for what I listen to. I want to be more conscious about what I consume, especially when it comes to entertainment and publicly calling myself out will help me stick to it.

Anyway, that's it for now. I want to take a breather from being online for hours today (it took me a while to transfer songs lists; add to iTunes).

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When You're Forced to Slow Down

Dear God,

Message received, loud and clear. I needed to slow down and take care of myself. I can still (unintentionally) get back on the "must work, work, work" train of thought that lets important things -- like getting proper hydration during the day -- slip to the side. Thank you for derailing my plans.

Sincerely,

Emmy

I spent most of last week sleeping and/or unable to leave the house. On Tuesday, which was St. Cecilia's feast day, I had planned on reposting my confirmation story and expand on how St. Cecilia has been an ever-present influence on my life without me realizing it until recently. (side note: I'll eventually post that story but I won't have the time to do it today.) I was also going to write about Advent beginning and a slew of other ideas I had. Then I woke up on Tuesday not feeling that great. I think I slept about 20-22 hours in total on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to turn in a homework assignment late because I was just completely out of it on Tuesday, falling asleep when I wasn't dealing with feeling like crumbs. I was forced to slow down and rest. Then, when I started feeling better, I decided to take the long Thanksgiving Break off and do some serious self-care by letting my body get the rest it needed as well as eating and drinking as I should. Okay, I also watched the Gilmore Girls revival episodes (not a fan) and let my mind rest after pushing it to my limits over the last couple of weeks.

Could I have finished the last of my homework assignments during the long weekend? Sure. Though I didn't start feeling like myself again until yesterday (and it was still a sort of off day), I could've totally made myself do some of the work. Instead, I chose not to. Why? Because I wasn't sleeping quality sleep. Sure, I got 6-8 hours of sleep but they were usually broken up into naps of 3-4 hours per nap. I wasn't drinking enough water. I was eating well enough but I needed the other two components. I chose to give myself a break because I know that finals are coming up and I'll be completely useless for the exams if I burn myself out before they begin late next week.

I've made a lot of progress from a year ago. Last year I pushed myself too hard, especially after my car accident. I wanted to prove that I could do it all despite the obstacles. That's just how I've always been, especially when it comes to academia. I wanted to finish my first quarter of graduate school on a high note despite missing half the quarter due to the accident. I put homework and exam deadlines ahead of sleep, food, and (I'm ashamed to admit) even attending Mass one weekend. My priorities were messed up. I put importance on things that would, ultimately, not matter in the long run and was neglecting things that were more important. This semester was the first in which prayer, Mass, and health have gotten priority over deadlines. It's worked out well for me but it was so easy to slip back into my bad habits in the week leading up to my last exam, two weeks ago. After the exam, I was on that academic high (despite the bombed exam) and it was hard not to keep going. I didn't even notice it, to be honest. I just thought "Oh, cool. Second wind!!" Nope. I was going to eventually crash -- and probably before I took my last final -- and it took this to slow me down and rest. Again, thank you, God, for forcing me to slow down.

I love how this also coincided with the beginning of Advent. Though it's my favorite time of year (massive fan of Advent and Christmastime over here), I didn't really prepare this year. I bought a new Advent candle holder (Nativity scene center) to replace the wreath we had that fell apart. I pulled out my book of Advent and Christmas meditations using wisdom nuggets from Ven. Fulton Sheen. I came up with a list of New (Liturgical) Year Resolutions. (Side note: I already failed out of the gate because I was too lightheaded to drive to Mass by myself last night. I really need someone to find someone willing to come pick me up for Mass when I can't drive but am, at least, well enough to sit and be present at Mass.) That's about it. I've changed to Office 2 in The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I'm continuing the 54-day Rosary novena. I'm keeping my prayer schedule. One thing that I will be doing, that is a last minute addition, is adding more silence into my day.

I've never been a big fan of silence. The day my father died, I took solace in music. When I'm home alone, something is almost always playing in the background. I can't drive in the car without music. I can (and have) done long periods of silence but it's usually during Lent. I'm not sure if I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, if it's just something that I learned from my parents, or if it's something I've yet not figured out but I've never been comfortable with not having some type of noise, even if it's white noise. This season, I'm going to add to silence to my routine as part of my ongoing quest to let go and let God lead the way. I have a feeling it may be exactly what I need amidst the crazy that is coming up in the next 2-3 weeks. The silence will also help slow down my ever-racing brain ("gotta memorize these terms... gotta do this assignment...") and help me focus on what Advent is all about.

Anyway, just wanted to write so... hey, new blog post. ;) Now I'm going to do a couple more self-care things (get a bit more water in me and have dinner) and then get started on some of my last observation hours since hours 20-22 (out of 25; almost done!) are due tomorrow. They'll get done when they get done but I have time to do them tonight so why not? It'll be better than binge-watching more Netflix shows and movies (which I did enough of this weekend). Moderation, my dears. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and a lovely start of the Advent season. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Unplugging and Quieting the World, Part Two

Hello and welcome back to the show. I'm your host. :-P If you haven't read part one, you can check it out here. :)

Now, where was I...? Oh yes, unplugging from technology. First, I want to say that there's nothing wrong with being plugged in. Technology is great and can do a lot of good. However, some of us (yes, myself included) sometimes use it because we're bored or because we've become addicted. It's our go-to when we find ourselves not wanting silence. Let's face it, many of us just don't like silence and it's quite easy to get online and/or get distracted. 

I've personally experienced all I've written. I get bored easily if I have nothing stimulating my mind but the internet doesn't always provide stimulating content that will allow me to grow very much. It's more mind-numbing distractions than anything else. Sometimes we need a break from the chaos and the distractions online are great for that... but I think most of us tend to use it a bit too much. 

Do you older Millennials (and those over 35) remember what we used to do as kids when we got bored? I mean, besides watch TV? We used to draw, paint, write, play sports, go outside, etc. We had hobbies. We had more fulfilling friendships. Our creativity helped entertain us. I'm not saying that we should completely reject technology in favor of more simple things but why not try to find a balance so our life isn't just online?

Social media is wonderful to stay informed and keep in touch with others but it gives us a false sense of being connected to others. I could scroll down a friend's Facebook profile or Twitter feed and think I know what's going on with them but very few of us show every side of ourselves online. I know I'm personally guilty of trying to show only the positive side out of fear of what others may think of me. In a way, it's like, as one of my favorite vloggers recently said, we're performing. 

I'll be honest with y'all: I don't like who I am or how I feel when I'm online too much. Every time I take breaks from social media and/or from turning on my laptop and/or iPod touch, I feel a lot better. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can be who I am. Why? Because I feel constrained online. There's too much noise. There's too much negativity. It drains me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. 

Sometimes I just want to share something that makes me feel good... and then it's met with negative comments or snide remarks. I know I'm sensitive and I'm trying to let everything roll off of me but sometimes it's just too much. When that happens, I get defensive when other comments are made, whether they are good or not, because I automatically feel as if I'm being attacked. I don't like that I get defensive online and that it remains with me offline for a while. I don't like the uncharitable comments it produces, on- and offline. Basically, I don't like how what happens online influences me offline. 

I remember life right before technology took over. It was right before I got my very first computer as a freshman in high school. I was one of the last in my class to get a computer (I had used a typewriter to do my homework up until then). With the introduction of email (one of the first emails I got was a former classmate telling me to kill myself) and then AIM (AOL instant messenger), the problems started. The anxiety -- which began my freshman year of high school -- got worse.

There's a lot of negativity online and I don't want to be a part of it. That's why staying offline as much as possible has appealed to me. God has opened my eyes and shown me that I've thrived better offline but that, in moderation, I can use social media and what is offered online to enrich my life. 

Without social media, I would've never met some of my best friends offline. Without social media and the internet, I don't think I would've gotten the courage to leave the terrible path I was on before my reversion. Without online resources, I wouldn't be learning as much as I can about Catholicism... nor would I be doing my Master's degree at an orthodox Catholic University. Without social media and websites, I wouldn't hear about the good, lovely stories that exist which I don't hear much of since the news tends to favor biased, disastrous, and fear-inducing stories.

So what does this all mean for me? It means keeping Twitter as is post-Lent with the occasional logging in to check DMs and share the odd link or random but positive tweet. I like how I have Facebook set up at the moment so I'm going to keep it as it -- choosing to check it only a couple of times per week. The blog stays as is, though I hope to write more often now that I am getting the time to do so. Everything I wrote yesterday -- the new rules for screen time -- will become the new norm. When I get bored, I'm going to try reading a book or doing something with limited technology. I don't expect it to be easy but nothing that is worthwhile is easy.  I've heard that it takes about 8 weeks for something to become a habit so I'll remind myself when I slip and/or feel discouraged.

One more thing before I end this post: does anyone remember how, a few months ago, I said that I had an issue with silence? How I hated silence and how I felt like I needed Gregorian chant to pray at times because of how much I couldn't stand the silence? I'm happy to report that this is no longer an issue. Since I've given up music on Tuesdays and Fridays during Lent (which I may keep after Lent), I've learned to be okay without music and/or noise in general. Listening to the birds singing, to the clock ticking, to the outside noise while everything is still indoors has been absolutely lovely. 

Side note: admitted, I failed the "no music" thing yesterday (Friday) when Mom started watching The Quebe Sisters and then Andrea Bocelli on PBS stations last night. I could've gotten up and walked out of the room but I didn't because I wanted to listen to the music and I made weakling excuses to stay. lol. But, in a way, it helped me remember that I'm doing this because I want to have more time in prayer and because I want to be more mindful about what I listen to. I still got my prayer time and the music I was listening to wasn't objectionable in content (at least, not that I was aware of) so it was failure with a valuable lesson. :)

Anyway, what I've just written is what works for me and this is not me shaming any of you for anything. If you disagree, that's okay.  If more time online works for you, keep at it but please be careful about what is shared. If something I've written makes you realize you need to make some changes, credit God for the transformation in me that has allowed me to help you since none of this could've been possible without His guidance. 

That's all from me for today. It's still early in the day so I want to get Casa Emmy cleaned, dishes washed, and my conscience examined before Mom gets off from work. I'm actually looking forward to all of this because I quite enjoy housekeeping. A lot. Anti-tradition feminists would hate me. lol. 

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

It's Oh So Quiet

So far this Lent has been unlike any other I've ever had. I actually started my Lenten "penances" (giving up certain social media and instant messengers for a certain about of time) before Lent and I've already seen it do wonders for my mental well being. It's still too early to talk about this but I will closer to the end of Lent. Not only has giving these things up been good for me... I've also learned that silence has been golden.

As I previously mentioned, I'm not a huge fan of silence. I have to have some sort of noise going on in the background, even if it's a white noise app playing softly. If music is playing, that would be ideal, but chatter, a TV show (or movie), or, really, any sort of noise is usually preferred. However, the deeper we get into Lent, the more I'm learning to not only like silence but also treasure quiet moments. (side note: the introvert in me is ecstatic over this since my life had been too noisy lately.)

I'm seeing big results due to my attempts to "quiet down" some parts of my life. Busy social media presence was too noisy so I've attempted to curve a lot of that and it's been great thus far. I've been listening to the radio / music less when driving in the car; I even forget to turn on the radio at times! At night I will set aside at least an hour of reading (after prayers, which also involve more quiet time) before I go to sleep. Last night: I finished an entire 231 page book in a little over 4 hours and it was fantastic. I lost sleep but it was still good. ;) Not only has quieting the outside world been great for me, it's been fantastic for my interior castle (as St. Teresa of Avila might've said).

I've noticed some big changes in me since I implemented some of the decisions I made prior to and during Lent. Big changes that I'm sure have left my own mother surprised... which is hard to do. I can't explain it but something inside has changed. I can pinpoint what decision I made that has made this change and all I can say (for now) is that it's opened me up to a whole new world of possibilities... and I feel like I'm finally really quiet enough to listen to what God has probably been trying to say to me for a long time.

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with a young woman who (despite being nearly a decade younger than I am) inspires me to be a better person and a more faithful Catholic. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would give me the right words to say to her. At the end, I felt -- deep down -- that it was just a confirmation of something I've been thinking about for a long time: working with youth and young adults in a church setting. I'm not sure if it means I'll work in some sort of youth ministry or if I'm being prepared to work at a school but helping young Catholics seems to be my calling. I've had little moments in which I've felt certain but never have I ever felt as certain (and at peace) as I did last night. Like I said, I'm not sure in what capacity but I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me. And all of this because I quieted down another part of my life which would've made this nearly 1-2 hour conversation impossible to have in the first place.

So, yes, silence has been wonderful... and it's been challenging. Without going into too much detail, I'm sure my need for more silence hasn't been a popular decision with others but it's been something I should've done years ago. I needed to do it for myself. I feel as if it's broken the arid spell I was having in my prayer life and *bonus* it's made me feel closer to God -- something I haven't felt in a really, really long time. Silence, the Lenten St. Therese book, and the Married Saints and Blesseds Through the Centuries book have been my good friends this Lent... and it's only the beginning. If this is the only thing I get out of this Lenten season, I would say it's been a successful one.

Anyway, just wanted to share this. I would write more except... well, I wouldn't have anything to share later on, now would I? ;) That and I have to go pick up my mom from work. lol.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Silence and Lent

This conversation just happened about 5 minutes ago:

Me: You know what? I'm going to give up the internet after 8 p.m.;  9 p.m. today because I have a couple of things to finish.
Mom: Are you sure you can go without it?
Me: Yes. I need to for my health.

You know you really do need to disconnect when your mother doubts your success. lol. Add this to things I'm giving up this Lent.

This is my second Lenten post because I just scraped the surface with the previous post. I'm only giving up three things: time on social media, unnecessary spending, and time away from being "plugged in." I am, however, adding things on.

I guess the biggest thing I'm "adding on" classifies as both adding on and giving up and it's one of the biggest things I struggle with: silence. See, I don't like silence all that much. I always have something playing, even if it's a white noise app that plays the sound of rain or a crackling fire while I try to fall asleep. When my father passed away? I turned on music when I got home because music is my safety blanket. Home alone? Music, the white noise app, or the TV is on. Driving? Music is on.

The only time I like silence is when I'm trying to pray because I like to concentrate. Not always; sometimes I need Gregorian Chant or classical music playing if I feel it's too quiet. I'd say about 98% of the time I need it to be completely quiet. My spiritual director always asks me if I've had some time in silence to pray during the month and my answer is always the same: I have prayed... but I've not done any time just sitting in silence.

This Lent I've decided to take less time plugged in and more time in silence, especially whilst praying. This means unplugging and turning off the computer at 8 p.m. and turning the "do not disturb" function on my iPod at 8:30-9 p.m. so I won't get notifications. This means draining my iPod touch battery and charging it in another part of the apartment so I won't be tempted to check it. It means turning off the T.V. by 9 pm (10 pm on Tuesdays because mom and I love watching 19 Kids and Counting). My phone's ringer will stay off.

What am I going to do with my free time? I'm going to pray... read... write (but no novels; personal letters)... sit in silence and see if I can't get a good conversation with God going. I've been praying about several things for many years but I think that my life has always been so noisy that I might've missed the message a long time ago... and am still missing it. We shall see.

As I said, silence and I are not friends so this will be a good test for me. However, I'm not doing it just for myself and to test my willpower; this is something my spiritual director has been trying to get me to do for months and Lent is the perfect time to try. I may fail... but that doesn't mean that I will give up at the first slip up. Practice makes perfect, right?

Alright, well, I took 4 hours to write this blog post because mom and I got sidetracked with something that was way overdue for a couple of hours. Yes, this means that I already failed at unplugged at 8 p.m. (it's 11:11 p.m. right now). I'm still going to use the next hour to pray and enjoy some silence. An hour today is better than nothing.

I hope you all have a successful Lent... and please remember that if you slip up on one of your Lenten goals, you can always start again. This is the perfect time to remember that we all mess up but that we can always try to do the right thing again. :)

That's it for now.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D