New Year, New... Nothing?

Before I begin, let me just wish y'all a feast of the Most Holy Name of Jesus! Who is reciting the Litany of Holy Name of Jesus right after she posts this blog post? This girl! There's a partial indulgence attached it to if you say His name reverently today. You also get a plenary indulgence if you visit a church today (usual conditions apply). Just an FYI if you didn't know.

Happy New Year, everyone!! I know it's January 3rd but it's my first blog post of the year. I purposely waited a couple of days because I wanted to take a break from being online so much at the end of last year. Yesterday was World Introvert Day so I did a lot of reading, sleeping when I could because I've been physically exhausted lately, and just relaxed. Since it's my last week of winter break before classes begin again, I decided to not be lazy but also not do a whole lot of busywork. I'm just going to do what I need to do to prepare for the (hopefully) last Spring semester for this program and then stay as stress-free as possible.

I had (or have, actually) one sole resolution this year and it's to get to Mass as much as I possibly can. This resolution? I actually made it back for the Liturgical New Year. ;) I hope more Mass includes daily Mass and especially Latin Mass when I can make the trip. I've fallen in love with the Latin Mass again and I am constantly looking for excuses to attend one. Sadly, no Mass for my this past Sunday because I had palpitations and horrible (random) anxiety from about 2 a.m. (the time I fell asleep on New Year's Day) until about 7-8 p.m. that night. Blah. :( I might've already "failed" to keep my resolution but as many lovely people reminded me, it wasn't as if I wanted to miss Mass. Not only that, I have (roughly) 51 more weekends to get it right this year.

Besides that resolution, I have nothing. No other plans or resolution. Well, no... that's not entirely true. I do have plans/goals. I plan on doing well for the rest of the program for this degree. I plan on keeping myself healthy and doing what I must to raise my folate, iron, and calcium levels. I plan on working on myself in preparation for both vocations. All these plans? I've had them for a long time so I don't count them as resolutions. I don't like New Year's Day resolutions. As previously stated, I make new liturgical year resolutions because they enhance how I live out my faith during the year but that's about it.

Almost no one keeps the resolutions they make through the end of the year... and then they feel terrible about it. I've seen people use such depressing, negative language when talking about how much they stink for not sticking with their resolutions. I'm definitely guilty of being too hard on myself, which is why I think I refuse to make resolutions. Not only that, a lot of resolutions are... well, well-meaning but usually attached to something that ends up hurting us more.

As Megan so wisely reflected on yesterday's Blessed is She post, some of our resolutions "[cater] to the world’s 'standards,' built on Satan’s deceptions and lies." (side note: I recommend you read her reflection to see what she means and I agree with). I know that if I made the resolution of working mt tush off to get all A's in school it would include the sin of pride because I know that a high GPA would mean graduating with distinction and honors. Who wouldn't like getting special attention on graduation day (though I'm still leaning on skipping the actual ceremony)? I've struggled with academic pride in the past and I know I don't want to go there.

Doing well in school? I plan to do it because I don't want to lose my financial aid which is helping me pay for and finish my degree. The sooner I can finish the degree, the sooner I can get my license and start working to help pay the bills and have my mom retire. Getting healthier? I plan to do it because I've read about birth defects that may arise if my body is low on things such as folate levels. I don't plan on getting married and/or getting pregnant anytime soon but I also know that these things can take a long time to be corrected so I want to start when there's no massive pressure. New year, same old plans. :)

Here is where I put my usual disclaimer that these are my thoughts about what's going to work for me. If you have resolutions and actually go through with them, virtual high five to you, my friend! I personally just can't do it because I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't work for me for a couple of different reasons. :)

Anyway, I still want to be online as little as possible so I'm going to vamoose and go read... after I pray the litany. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the year! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Realizations, Disappointments, and Goals

This morning, as I was driving my best friend to the nearby airport, she asked me a simple question that I had no answers to: "so, what are you going to do until grad school begins on September 30th?" Those who've known me for years know that I love to plan ahead... or used to. Lately I haven't been doing much planning, which I know has surprised some of my oldest friends. This is just one of the two big realizations I've had over the last couple of days.

The biggest realization I had over this weekend (especially Sunday) is that I've disappointed myself in a big way. You know how I talked about an intense yet unexplained desire to pray? It was connected to my vocation (in a way) but it seems to have been (mostly) God's way of bringing me back to Him. See, I realized that I've been acting in a way that is very unlike me for the past couple of months. Yes, months. Not too many... since late February or early March, maybe. I know some of you guys have noticed it but no one called me out on it. No, that's okay; it was something that I needed to figure out myself.

At some point during Lent, the idea that I wasn't good enough entered my mind. The people pleasing part of myself that I had worked so hard to tone down was back and worse than ever. I wasn't knowledgeable enough to defend the Faith or to even talk about. I didn't show my love of God enough while others made it look effortless. I had to impress this person. I had to impress that person. This was at a time when my friendships were thrown into disarray as well, so I was questioning a lot of different things. I sort of fell into this pattern of trying to keep up with everyone as well as please them... and that wasn't making me happy. (side note: yes, I know life isn't about making myself happy or comfortable, but you know what I mean.)

Here is where the vocation part comes into play: I realized that I was trying to impress someone but I wasn't being myself in the process. I can feel my cheeks flush as I admit this. I feel as if my vocation discernment is moving forward after being stagnant for years... and I'm terribly out of practice. I took myself out "off the market" for years because of what I had going on. From ages 17 through 24, my focus was helping take care of my father. When he passed, my focus became graduating college (which I'd put on hold for a while). After graduating college, my focus on getting a job so I could contribute to the households expenses. Then it became getting my Bachelor of Science in speech-language pathology so I could have a stable, good paying job instead of following my heart of doing the Master of Arts in Theology. As y'all know, last November I'd pushed myself to the point where I got physically sick and had to take a break from school while my body tried (and is still trying) to recover. Vocation? Always on the back-burner until recently. That's 12 years of not dating and having only one major crush that lasted years.

I don't remember if I've written about this in the past but I've been keeping a notebook of letters to my future husband for quite some time now. I try to write once every two weeks. Today is scheduled as my next letter... and I'm going to 'fess up to acting like a massive dork (especially around a guy) because I'd forgotten what was important. Hey, I'm sharing my adventures during the waiting period with him. ;)

Here are what my new goals are since I've reflected on my past actions:
- Those "not good enough" thoughts that have crept into my mind? Crummy thoughts meet novenas to the Holy Spirit and Mary Undoer of Knots. In fact, I think it was the recent novena to Mama Mary that helped me realize my actions. Pentecost is coming up (as is one of my favorite novenas to the Holy Spirit) so that will be up next.
- Not feeling like I'm knowledgeable enough? *shrugs* That's why I'm going to be attending grad school in a couple of months. In the meantime, I really want to make a dent into the long list of Catholic books I want to read before I begin school. I don't know when will be the next time I have a long period of time in which I have basically nothing to do but rest and write whatever I want.
- Not feeling like I show my love for God enough? Okay, maybe I don't express it as often through social media as some of my peers do but He knows how much I love Him.
- Impressing people? I'm not going back to that. I've disappointed myself too much to repeat it. The worst part was that I didn't even realize what I was doing until a couple of weeks into my actions. Sigh. Also, any guy who is worth my time will not make me feel like I will need to impress him all the time in order for him to like me. I'm quiet, kind of shy at times, and a massive nerd. Take it or leave it, gentlemen. lol. ;)

Other fun goals for myself:
- Start saving up for a trip to the Vatican and to Ireland (I really want to hike Mt. Croagh Patrick) after I graduate from grad school. I have roughly two years to make this happen. :)
- Get my "to-do" list under 5 things. See, I have a long list of things I really want to do but don't because of whatever excuse comes up. I really do like crossing things off my list so that's fun for me. Yes, I'm a nerd... and proud. ;)
- Finish my third novel by the end of summer. It's do-able; I wrote London Calling in 28 days. :D
- Start an indoor garden of some sort. I live in an apartment so my options are limited but I am home almost all day on most days so I can always water plants and make sure they get enough sunlight. :)
- Daily Mass. I really do miss going to daily Mass and I'm trying to slowly build up my red blood cells with the new iron pills so I should have more energy in the near future.

Anyway, just felt like sharing this. Yes, I failed but hopefully someone will learn from my mistakes. :)

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to go do a couple of things before my guilty pleasure show (19 Kids and Counting) begins. ;)

As always, thanks and reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 16: Odds and Ends Edition

-- 1 --

I tried to not eat meat but then I saw how much I weighed today and decided that it was best for my health to not abstain from meat for the remainder of Lent. As most of you know, I've had weight issues due to my stomach problems (which turned into intestinal problems). I was underweight last year and it took me months to gain part of the weight I'd lost. Today I found out I'm on the cusp of being underweight again. Between the PTSD weight loss and the almost two weeks that I didn't eat properly because of the cold and other stomach issues, I lost quite a bit of weight. Because my diet is so restricted, I need the chicken for the nutrients and the calories. I feel bad about eating meat but, you know, I need it. I'll be giving up music and Twitter after I eat chicken (the only meat I can eat) so I'm writing this now. lol.

-- 2 --

As I said yesterday, I'm trying to finish a lot of things that I've started. Today I'm close to finishing two of the items on my list; cleaning out my desk / files and returning snail mail letters I have received over the past couple of weeks. I'm a bit lightheaded right now (raging anxiety and I'm super hungry right now) so I'm taking a break from those things at the moment but I will continue as soon as I feel better. Slow and steady, my friends. I've already made progress on finishing some of the books I've started as well. Phew.

-- 3 -- 

Yesterday's spiritual direction meeting was fantastic for me because it helped remind me of what's important and it helped remind me that I do trust God with my needs. I think that's why, despite the raging anxiety (which started hours before I found out about the weight; not related to stress), I feel a lot more calm about everything else. Instead of freaking out about finances and health, I'm just carrying on like every other day.I know God has my back so I shan't stress. :)

-- 4 --

I received a blessed Miraculous Medal on Wednesday but it kept falling off of my necklace yesterday so I have it pinned under my shirt. I have a feeling the medal itself will give out after just a couple of weeks of months so I'm wondering if any of you have recommendations where I could get a legit sterling silver (I'm not a fan of gold jewelry) Miraculous Medal that will last and won't cost an arm and a leg. Thanks in advance.

-- 5 -- 

In my silliness, I thought of something: is it wrong to have a crush on a saint? I don't have one (I don't think...) but if I did, it would be on Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. I'm unabashedly a total Bl. PGF fangirl. The thing is that I've seen some young women refer to him as "Frassati the Hottie" and it sort of rubs me the wrong way. Yes, he was quite handsome and his looks were enhanced by his heart and faith, but I don't like the term "Frassati the Hottie." It just feels wrong to me, even a little bit disrespectful. Again, these are just my opinions.

-- 6 --

I doubt he's going to personally read this but can y'all please just say a little prayer for a good friend who is currently deployed? He's been a guest blogger on here and he's had my back for years so, please, pray that he comes home in one piece... and soon! I haven't seen him in a long time and my foot is waiting to get within shin kicking distance once again. ;)

-- 7 --

From the tumblr files: I know some of you have been having really rough times lately so this is for you.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

This is it for now. I need to go do productive things. I hope you all have a great start of the weekend. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My (Belated) Lenten Goals

Yes, this gif sums up of how I feel right now. And, for the record, I made sure I wasn't violating copyright laws by posting it; this particular film is public domain.

I just realized that I never shared what my Lenten goals were for this year. Other things just came up and I never wrote about them but I'm doing that today... and it's actually quite appropriate that I'm doing it now. My biggest Lenten goal is finishing things I start before starting other things. 

See, I have a problem (stems from my people pleasing days... which I still struggle with): I take on too many things and then I can't seem to finish them all. Whether it's a project for a friend or something for myself, I tend to get overloaded with so many things. That then takes time away from my prayer life (not that it's an excuse for my not trying to get better at it) and it all snowballs from there. This Lent I'm not starting anything new until I finish the number of things that are still on my list... which is long.

Without getting into too many details, this is what part of my list includes:
- snail mail replies to friends that are way over due.
- going through my files and throwing away unimportant ones.

- organizing bookmarked links on my browser.

- finish reading the books I have started but not finished.

- catch up with all the friends I haven't spoken to in months.

- going back and taking down gifs that are from copyrighted films or used without permission.

- finish editing my novels.

I am sure Lent will be over before I finish editing my novels but I hope to be able to finish the rest of the items on my list before then. I'm starting school in 6 weeks, 3 days, and some odd hours (but who's counting?) and I want to get everything done and out of the way before then so that I don't have distractions. The challenge will be not starting things before then. I like to be actively doing something and I have a hard time saying "no" when asked for favors so I thought it was a good goal to have.

I don't know how this counts as "giving up" something but, as I was reminded by friends, I routinely "give up" things throughout the year that maybe I needed something that was going to be actually hard for me. Giving up non-Catholic literature or music isn't hard for me. Giving up foods isn't that hard for me because of how limited my diet already is. I gave up digital cable (and Liverpool FC matches, sniffle) because I knew how financially expensive it was. I've given up a social life and dating (in the past) to take care of my parents so... you know, it isn't a big penance for me to give things up. I'm quite used to it by now. Having to say "no" to someone who asks for a favor is very hard. I just hope some friends will understand that I need to do this for my (mental) well-being.

Not starting anything new, learning more about St. Joseph, and taking care of my physical and spiritual health are all part of my Lenten goals. It may sound a bit boring to y'all but these are things I need to do in order to keep growing and moving forward. :)

Anyway, I want to finish cleaning my room and then get some food (that doesn't come in fry form) in me so that's it for now.

I hope y'all had a great day today. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 13: New Year's Edition

-- 1 --

Happy New Year to all you lovely blog readers. I took the first two days of the year to relax before I dove back into writing. It was lovely but I needed to write again. Anyway, I hope you all had a good time ringing in the new year... though, from what I saw on my Twitter and Instagram feeds, it looks like most of us just stayed at home this NYE. Nothing wrong with that! This homebody approves. ;)

-- 2 --

I've been trying to catch up on reading because I will soon head back to school. Okay, May isn't "soon" but it is getting closer. Stoked! Anyway, I've been reading a mix of children's literature (in the form of Pixie Hollow books; it's research for an upcoming project), finishing the Narnia series, reading my friend Nancy's His Good Opinion novel (Janeites will enjoy it!), and I just borrowed a book on the letters between St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane Frances de Chantal. I'm very excited about this book because I've been feeling particularly close to both these saints lately. Let's see how much reading I can get in between now and May 4th.

-- 3 --

Can I just say how awesome the Mary Undoer of Knots novena is? I had a long standing (read: almost 5 years) issue bugging me and I've noticed that the "knots" are slowly being undone. All those things that went wrong while I did the novena were so worth the peace and joy I am currently experiencing.

-- 4 -- 

When y'all voted for St. Raphael the Archangel as this year's patron saint I was curious as to why. He'd never won before. Now I've see why; I've spent January 1st through today giving relationship advice as well as being forced to take a good look at my own personal life. I wonder how many more people will need novenas to St. Raphael throughout the year. ;)

-- 5 --

I have some things I want to write about but I want to have material so no spoilers from me. I looks like January will be quite the prolific writing month... if time allows me to publish them all relatively close to each other.

-- 6 --

This is why I love tumblr; a priest, a rabbi...

-- 7 --

And, because this is the "New Year's Edition"... I don't have resolutions (I don't like making them) but here are my goals for this year:
- More swing dancing.
- More traveling.
- Learn more recipes.
- Learn how to knit.
- Attend daily Mass (or at least spend 20 minutes in silent prayer in front of the tabernacle daily).
- Spend less time online.
- Learn to balance school and prayer life.

And that's all for now. Quick. Easy. No spoilers. ;) Okay, fine, I want to get back to reading. lol.

I hope you all have a great weekend (I may blog tomorrow; fingers crossed)!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D