Belated Revelations

After our last young adult meeting last month, my friend Joe, another group member (whom I'll call E), and I were on our way to drop off E at his house. Since it was a bit of a drive, I took the time to share with E how I still don't drive long distances because of the car accident I had on October 13, 2015. With my lightheadedness, I don't want to risk driving long distances by myself especially at night. I showed him pictures of the accident (which I had on my iPod touch) and we talked about how it seemed to trigger events that eventually made us leave our (then) home parish and switch to where we currently attend Mass. He said something that has stayed with me, a month later, and which I think I've finally figured out: "what do you think was the message from God from that accident?" (I'm paraphrasing.)

To be honest, I never meditated on it. I had the car accident, thought my guardian angel had really helped me out (which was also the same thought E had without me saying anything) and was grateful that it hadn't been worse. When E asked me what message I thought God was trying to get across, I drew a blank. 

"I don't know," I admitted. "I never really thought about it."

"Well, maybe you should. I think God was trying to tell you something. I don't think these things happen; things happen for a reason and perhaps He was trying to say something. Otherwise, it was just an accident that you learned nothing from," he stated. Again, I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist of it and probably the closest I can get to his actual wording.

It stuck with me, especially since we talked about the coincidences. I had the car accident right after I'd gotten out of spiritual direction with my (now former) spiritual director. It happened on the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun. That was also the night that I first got into contact with an FSSP priests who came over the follow day (for a blessing) and who we still see (he even came to bless our home this past Epiphany). The following month, my spiritual director kicked me out of his office and that set into motion us leaving that parish and following the FSSP priest to his (temporary) parish. (side note: everyone who knows the full story has come to the same conclusion of why I was kicked out of my former SD's office on their own but since none of us know for sure, I won't discuss it.) That led to me re-evaluating things, me joining the young adult group I'm in, and has had an overall positive change in both of our (Mom's and my) lives. There was something that seemed to be missing from that puzzle but it took E's question for me to try to figure it out... and I think I have. 

It has dawned on me that I have gotten a much-needed second chance to make things right. I had the same thought when I went to the last doctor's appointment: "you're getting a second chance." See, I had reached a plateau in my spiritual direction before my accident. I felt as if I wasn't getting much out of them anymore. Furthermore, while my SD expressed his justified dissatisfaction with me for missing Mass or my prayer time in order to do coursework on a tight deadline (yeah, that was a massive problem I had when I was in grad school; one of which I have since worked on and fixed), it wasn't the massive ear pulling I needed. I feel like the car accident was that; an ear pulling and a sort of wake-up call that I've belatedly realized.

Yes, it's been almost a year and a half since the car accident. Yes, I've wasted so much time trying to figure things out. However, I'm very grateful to E for having me meditate on all of these things. Remember when I wrote about my body being weak but my heart being on fire? I think part of why I felt that way was because of this revelation. Today's health scare (I thought I was having a heart attack at the grocery store; we guessed that it was a combination of acid reflux and a bad panic attack -- my first in a long time -- that hit at the same time) just drove the point home even more: I have gotten a second chance and I need to make the most of it... which, really, is a wonderful message during Lent.

How many times did saints mess up and, still, they were forgiven, they amended their lives, and are now spending eternity with God in Heaven? God's mercy is greater than our sins... no matter how bad they are. I know (as seen through Scripture) that He wants us to repent and return to Him. Luke 15:11-32, anyone? I was able to fix my terrible priorities (now Mass comes before any exam or coursework I may have that weekend). I think I've figured out the path (for both big and little v vocations) God wants me to take and have made a lot of progress in them. Now to reorder and fix a couple more things in my life, especially when it comes to facing my fears. I've started work on that but it's still going to be a massive uphill battle for me since it's going to mean undoing years of bad habits and negative thoughts. What a better way to spend my Lent (and the weeks leading up to the 100th anniversary of Our Lady of Fatima) than to work on my relationship with God and making the most of my second chance?

Before I end this blog post, I have one more thing to share: in case you're wondering, no Mass again this past weekend. We wanted to try for Saturday but I got sick and then Sunday was a mess as well. That's officially 8 Sundays without Mass (though I have attended Mass at least twice -- during the week -- in the past 8 weeks). Still, I'm going to try again and I'll fight through the lightheadedness and other obstacles to the best of my abilities. We have a plan for this week and the weekend and any prayers you can offer up so that we can get to confession and Mass would be greatly appreciated.

Alright, that's enough for today. I have more to share but they're different topics so I'll just break them into different posts. I'm taking it easy today since I've had a busy couple of days so I may write more blog posts now and schedule for later in the week. I have a big exam this weekend, a research paper due next week, and another huge exam the week after that so I'm going to try to blog when I can and schedule them so that there aren't big gaps in between blog posts. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When You're Forced to Slow Down

Dear God,

Message received, loud and clear. I needed to slow down and take care of myself. I can still (unintentionally) get back on the "must work, work, work" train of thought that lets important things -- like getting proper hydration during the day -- slip to the side. Thank you for derailing my plans.

Sincerely,

Emmy

I spent most of last week sleeping and/or unable to leave the house. On Tuesday, which was St. Cecilia's feast day, I had planned on reposting my confirmation story and expand on how St. Cecilia has been an ever-present influence on my life without me realizing it until recently. (side note: I'll eventually post that story but I won't have the time to do it today.) I was also going to write about Advent beginning and a slew of other ideas I had. Then I woke up on Tuesday not feeling that great. I think I slept about 20-22 hours in total on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to turn in a homework assignment late because I was just completely out of it on Tuesday, falling asleep when I wasn't dealing with feeling like crumbs. I was forced to slow down and rest. Then, when I started feeling better, I decided to take the long Thanksgiving Break off and do some serious self-care by letting my body get the rest it needed as well as eating and drinking as I should. Okay, I also watched the Gilmore Girls revival episodes (not a fan) and let my mind rest after pushing it to my limits over the last couple of weeks.

Could I have finished the last of my homework assignments during the long weekend? Sure. Though I didn't start feeling like myself again until yesterday (and it was still a sort of off day), I could've totally made myself do some of the work. Instead, I chose not to. Why? Because I wasn't sleeping quality sleep. Sure, I got 6-8 hours of sleep but they were usually broken up into naps of 3-4 hours per nap. I wasn't drinking enough water. I was eating well enough but I needed the other two components. I chose to give myself a break because I know that finals are coming up and I'll be completely useless for the exams if I burn myself out before they begin late next week.

I've made a lot of progress from a year ago. Last year I pushed myself too hard, especially after my car accident. I wanted to prove that I could do it all despite the obstacles. That's just how I've always been, especially when it comes to academia. I wanted to finish my first quarter of graduate school on a high note despite missing half the quarter due to the accident. I put homework and exam deadlines ahead of sleep, food, and (I'm ashamed to admit) even attending Mass one weekend. My priorities were messed up. I put importance on things that would, ultimately, not matter in the long run and was neglecting things that were more important. This semester was the first in which prayer, Mass, and health have gotten priority over deadlines. It's worked out well for me but it was so easy to slip back into my bad habits in the week leading up to my last exam, two weeks ago. After the exam, I was on that academic high (despite the bombed exam) and it was hard not to keep going. I didn't even notice it, to be honest. I just thought "Oh, cool. Second wind!!" Nope. I was going to eventually crash -- and probably before I took my last final -- and it took this to slow me down and rest. Again, thank you, God, for forcing me to slow down.

I love how this also coincided with the beginning of Advent. Though it's my favorite time of year (massive fan of Advent and Christmastime over here), I didn't really prepare this year. I bought a new Advent candle holder (Nativity scene center) to replace the wreath we had that fell apart. I pulled out my book of Advent and Christmas meditations using wisdom nuggets from Ven. Fulton Sheen. I came up with a list of New (Liturgical) Year Resolutions. (Side note: I already failed out of the gate because I was too lightheaded to drive to Mass by myself last night. I really need someone to find someone willing to come pick me up for Mass when I can't drive but am, at least, well enough to sit and be present at Mass.) That's about it. I've changed to Office 2 in The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I'm continuing the 54-day Rosary novena. I'm keeping my prayer schedule. One thing that I will be doing, that is a last minute addition, is adding more silence into my day.

I've never been a big fan of silence. The day my father died, I took solace in music. When I'm home alone, something is almost always playing in the background. I can't drive in the car without music. I can (and have) done long periods of silence but it's usually during Lent. I'm not sure if I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, if it's just something that I learned from my parents, or if it's something I've yet not figured out but I've never been comfortable with not having some type of noise, even if it's white noise. This season, I'm going to add to silence to my routine as part of my ongoing quest to let go and let God lead the way. I have a feeling it may be exactly what I need amidst the crazy that is coming up in the next 2-3 weeks. The silence will also help slow down my ever-racing brain ("gotta memorize these terms... gotta do this assignment...") and help me focus on what Advent is all about.

Anyway, just wanted to write so... hey, new blog post. ;) Now I'm going to do a couple more self-care things (get a bit more water in me and have dinner) and then get started on some of my last observation hours since hours 20-22 (out of 25; almost done!) are due tomorrow. They'll get done when they get done but I have time to do them tonight so why not? It'll be better than binge-watching more Netflix shows and movies (which I did enough of this weekend). Moderation, my dears. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and a lovely start of the Advent season. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Have an Angelic Question

St. Michael Archangel Catholic Church in Miguel Auza, Zac. Mexico.
Copyright Pedro Aguilar. That's my big brother to y'all.

The feast of the Archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael has always been of interest to me. My older brother (who passed away before I was born) would've celebrated his birthday tomorrow. Growing up, Mom used to say that he was a little angel looking out for me since he died when he was 11 months old and therefore had committed no sins. I always remember him and the angels today and tomorrow.

After my father died, the day became more interesting because St. Michael the Archangel was his patron. I think I still have the picture of St. Michael that hung in front of his bed towards the end of his life. The paternal side of family comes from a town named Miguel Auza, Zacatecas in Mexico. (fun fact: I've been able to trace the family lineage to that town as far as the 1700s.) The town was founded today and was originally named after, surprise, St. Michael the Archangel by a Spanish captain. The name was later renamed Miguel Auza during the time of the Cristero War / anti-Catholicism. Still, to this day they celebrate the feast of St. Michael in a big way. I've never personally experienced it (we always visited during the summer) but Dad used to share stories of how gorgeous the celebrations were. I hope to experience this for myself one day.

I've personally had St. Michael (thanks to my dad) and St. Raphael on my prayer intentions call list several times. I love the novena to St. Raphael, which ended yesterday. Of course, having been sick since my reversion a decade ago, St. Raphael is an old chum of mine. ;) I wish I could say that I knew more about St. Gabriel but I don't. I remember him during the first decade of the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary but, besides that, I don't go to him for any intercessions. I should look up what he's the patron of.

After my car accident almost a year ago (on October 13; the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun) made me even more curious about angels and archangels. You'll have to read the blog post for that day to find out why. ;) I've been doing the chaplet of St. Michael Archangel (as well as the prayer to St. Michael) on an almost daily basis for a long time but I haven't really read much about the angels. We sort of touched on it when I was at JP Catholic but it wasn't enough for me. I feel like there's still a lot that I need to learn.

I think there are a lot misconceptions about angels so I really want to learn from legitimate sources... and today seems like a good day to start that research. I already have a small booklet on St. Raphael (which I'll be re-reading today) but I want to learn about angels from a more theological and philosophical POV. Oh, I'm sorry, is my wannabe lay Dominican side showing? ;) Does anyone have any recommendations for websites, books, audiobooks, podcasts, etc which would help me for the research I want to do? Thanks for the suggestions in advance.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask while I took a study break. I don't think I'm going to do anything big for today's feast day (I didn't get a chance to prepare this year) but I know Michaelmas celebrations are a thing and I hope to learn for next year. :D

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Dad...

Today is the 7th anniversary of your death. I still can't wrap my mind around it being that long. It both does and doesn't feel like much time has passed. I haven't forgotten what you look like but I occasionally forget what your voice sounded like. I guess that's normal since it's been so long.

I started playing the guitar again. This time, it's a little more regularly. I stopped playing after you died. It took me a good 5-6 years to really find any interest in it again. You promised me a guitar shortly before you died which still occasionally hurts. No, getting the guitar doesn't matter; it's the fact that you promised something that will never be fulfilled that got me down. It's a constant reminder that there were things we planned that will never get fulfilled. Every time I picked the guitar up, I was reminded of you and that promise. I remember all those times you drove me to my lessons as well as the times you drove me to get my first two guitars (and how you picked out the first one I ever owned). I think it was quite funny that the only thing that cheered me up this weekend was picking up my acoustic guitar and playing, followed by singing. There's more music in the house, like you liked when you were alive.

I've been through heck and back over the last year but I'm still here, thriving despite the setbacks. I still have that fire in me that I inherited from both you and Mom. My health has gone through ups and downs but I'm overall recovering. The car accident didn't feel me down for too long and I've been driving ever since I got my car back from the mechanic. You'd be proud of me for that. I know you were worried about me and my anxiety before you died but it's been better than it's been since I was a teenager. I've had moments of anxiety (and the darn antibiotics brought them back this past week) but I'm not letting it keep me down for long. Your little girl doesn't get easily scared nor does she quit.

Speaking of quitting, despite the academic setbacks, I've not quit that either. I'm returning to the SLP field. I was accepted to Utah State once again over the weekend. I should be graduating early next May. On your deathbed I promised you that I'd take care of Mom and since it's becoming quite clear that she's going to need to retire sooner than later, I've put my dreams of that Theology MA on the backburner in favor of a career as an SLPA. Isn't that what you and Mom taught me; that sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our family? Once I can get that going, I'll return to finish the other degree. I don't regret it nor am I upset at the sudden change of plans. They weren't what I had planned but God knows what He's doing. I know He is helping guide me down this journey of mine and for now I have to focus on this. :)

Not much else to report on. I'm that same content little girl you raised. Things don't always work out as I'd like them to and I do get down for a little while but I bounce back. I'm still incredibly silly when I'm with those whom I trust. I still carry myself the way you and Mom taught me to act. I hope you'd be proud of the woman I've grown up to be. I still feel like I'm growing but I think that's a never ending process.

I'm still single (I'm sure you'd appreciate that since my sister married so young, lol) but I'm happy. I know I have to be happy with myself by myself or else I'm going to place unrealistic expectations on the future fella and future family. I still think it's in the cards for me but not now. For whatever reason, I have to wait a bit longer and that's okay. One of the last things you said to me before you died was that you trusted my judgment when it came to relationships and that's something I continue to carry with me. Don't worry, I've got more than enough people willing to step in and check out (*cough*interrogate*cough*) potential candidates. Thank you for raising me with old fashioned values; it's helped me weed out jerks.

I still think about you all the time and you pop up in my dreams quite often, especially when I have an important decision weighing on my mind. I hope I can continue making you proud. I'll always remember the lessons you taught me (especially how to parallel park like a boss) and make sure I'm the best person I can be.

With love,

A Thirst for the Eucharist

I haven't attended Mass or gone to confession is three weeks. Three. It's not that I haven't wanted to go. I've been sick (ranging from digestive issues to dizziness and in between) and/or haven't been able to drive to Mass because of the heat. (side note for you new readers: I have a hereditary sensitivity to the heat and will get close to fainting in temperatures over 84 if I'm not in the shade with water or in an air conditioned place. My car hasn't had working air conditioning since my car accident last October.)

I miss going to Mass. I miss going to confession. I even miss feeling physically close to my home parish. It doesn't help that I've had a slew of temptations thrown my way, some of which I didn't think I'd have deal with. It was a nice reminder that I'm not as strong as I thought I was and that I'm susceptible to unexpected (to me) yet very human weaknesses. No, I need God. Very badly.

I hadn't read yesterday's Mass readings before I emailed one of my best friends, telling him that I felt as if my soul thirsted for God. Sounds dramatic but that's how it's felt lately. The longer I am kept from attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist, the more my soul desires it. Nothing and no one can satisfy it. Nothing and no one appeals to me more than receiving the Eucharist these days.

It occasionally feels like a physical emptiness, like a gaping hole in the middle of my chest. It's almost like a spiritual drought, except I've felt very close to God in the last week or so. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to physically receive Him that I've felt this way; maybe I feel close to Him because He wants to remind me that He's still here, even when I struggling with temptations and have yet to go to confession. Perhaps this is why St. Catherine of Siena (patroness against temptations) has been in my life more than usual lately. Yes, I just put two and two together there; I didn't even realize it until I wrote it out.

I continue to mess up in little ways, most of the time without intention. My struggle with scrupulosity (yes, I have been known to occasionally struggle with this as well) will make me beat myself up over a couple of things. I'm grateful that my best friends will bring me back to reality and remind me that no one is perfect and even saints had to deal with certain things. Still, I have moments in which I go "oh, God... I try hard but I just can't do this." I need His help more often than not.

I feel like my relationship with His is growing due to everything that's been going on lately... yet I feel awful for missing Mass and for having little life hiccups along the way. I guess I need to remind myself to trust in Him and His mercy more often. I sometimes fear being justly punished more than remembering that the Sacrament of Reconciliation exists for a reason.

Anyway, these are just some of the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind lately. I'm not entire sure why I shared this other than I was just inspired to. I hope someone can get something out of it. :)

Alright, it's almost the end of electricity base hours and we want to conserve energy since it's going to be at least 110 degrees F in L.A. today so I should skedaddle. Please say a prayer for me if you can and please feel free to send me your prayer requests as well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Cars and Death

Hey everyone! Sorry for the absence in blogging. I took a couple of days off for myself and then life got super hectic and I just didn't have time to write until today. However, I'm back. I'm going to break what I want to share into two separate posts because I have a lot that's been going on and it would be overkill for one single post. First the good and the bad which are both sort of connected.

First, to quote Missy Elliott: ♪ beep beep, who's got the keys to the Jeep? Vrooooom... ♪ I got my car back on Friday evening. Hooray! I want to thank everyone who donated to the GoFundMe fundraiser Alli set up for me in October. It (and donations we got offline) helped pay for almost all of the expenses to get my car running again. It's not 100%, obviously. We had some major communication issues with the mechanic and the car looks good for how bad it was after the accident. There are a few things that can be overlooked. First. he didn't paint it as we assumed he would so some of the paint is peeling in the back. Also, the car is making a noise, the alarm and the electrical stuff isn't working properly (which my next-door neighbor offered to try to fix for me; the alarm at least) nor is the driver's side signal light working (which I'm going to fix by myself). It's a new type of headache but a lot of it is stuff won't make a huge impact on the driving so we're okay.

I think having a car with peeling paint and not working 100% is good for me because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I need to let go of not having things be "perfect" as well as learning to not stress over things that aren't really important. The sound the car is making is apparently nothing to be worried about, it's just annoying as heck. I'm going to see if someone can help with that because the sound bugs me. I don't like calling attention to myself and that noise is certainly loud enough that people notice. I already reached out to the mechanic about getting it properly fixed but that's apparently not going to happen. He's ignoring my calls again and so we're going to look elsewhere.

The important thing is that I have my car back, it works, and I only had about 15 seconds of anxiety when I first started driving. I think a lot of people will be surprised to hear that I'm driving as if I didn't have an accident. Yes, I was a little jumpy yesterday because I'm not used to the craziness of L.A. drivers after nearly 5 months of not driving but I'll get used to that so it's all good. :D

On Friday, before we got our car back, we (Mom and I) went to the optometrist to get new glasses for both of us. What we weren't prepared for was the news that awaited us. We were expecting to see our optometrist / family friend but we found out she was killed in a car accident by someone who ran the red light in July of last year. It sounded a lot like my accident except I was lucky to escape with a couple of bumps and bruises.

Dr. Julie Kang-Kim (that was her name) was one of those salt of the earth kind of people. She was so lovely and supportive after my dad died. She was there for both Mom and I. One of her employees even went to the burial the day of his funeral; it's like a family. They've watched me literally grow up over the years since I've been going there since I was like 7 years old. It was a beautiful friendship with her, not just business. We went to lunch with her and we caught up on our lives when we saw each other. She was such a lovely, gentle, and caring person so hearing about her death was a huge blow for us. Mom cried but I held it in because of my eye exam. I know I sent out an Instagram post about it but if you could please say a prayer for her soul and her loved ones, I'd be so grateful.

I think the news of her accident before I received my car back as well as what I went through has made Mom (and big bro) a little nervous about me driving. It's understandable. Last year was a bit crazy in terms of accidents and bad things happening but I think we have to look at those things as lessons. As I told my mom, I think it was good for me because the accident made me slow down and learn to take better care of myself. It also made us more grateful for what we have. We also grew closer to God, which is always a blessing.

It seems oddly appropriate that we're going through this now, during Lent, because it reminds us about how death is a part of life. It's not a topic that one loves to think about (and, to be honest, death does scare me) but it's a chance to remind ourselves about how death is not the end. If one wants to spend eternity in Heaven, one must strive to live a holy life. It's not easy and we all slip from time to time but Lent reminds us of God's infinite mercy. Yesterday's Gospel reminded us of that: we may fail and come back repentant but God will always welcome back with open arms. Going to confession and receiving the Eucharist frequently can help us get a little closer to our goal of getting into Heaven. We never know when our time on this earth is up for it's important to keep working towards a holy life.

Anyway, sorry to end this on such a downer (with hope!) but we've been getting thunderstorms today and they're supposed to start again in a couple of minutes (according to the Weather Channel app) so I'm going to end this blog here. Also, the other topic I want to write about is longer than this update and I don't want to write a book just yet. ;)

I hope y'all have been doing well and are having a great start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Emmy: One, Week From Heck: Zero.

I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm (relatively) healthy. I'm still way behind on coursework, especially with everything that's happened lately... but I think I can finish everything (final paper, quizzes, and final exam) on time. I'm sure going to try. I've briefly cried from the stress but that's natural. I've vented to friends. I've prayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be okay. Hey, I'm not smiling for no good reason. I don't like showing false emotions that cover my true feelings. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of doing it; people have told me that you can figure out what I'm feeling (or thinking, if you really know me) by simply looking at me.

I know some of you were worried about me after reading my blog post from last Tuesday. The feelings lingered through the next day or so but I stopped crying that night. (side note: huge shout out to the friends who either made me laugh or who let me vent it all out that evening.) I'm able to look back at the whole situation this way: I learned a lot from that meeting and for that I'm grateful. Yes, it hurt but good things came out of it. I got my prayer life back on track though it's not where it should be overall. I've been able to put God before everything else, though I'll admit that I still occasionally slip and get caught up in deadlines or lethargic feelings for a little while. Once I realize what I'm doing, I automatically shift my focus back on God. Also, bonus: I've had a couple of people benefit from my experience and it's led them to reevaluate their own prayer lives so it hasn't been all bad. :)

I also came to the conclusion that this was for the best. My former SD is a great priest (who maybe had an off day that day) but, as I was gently reminded by my mother and one of my best friends, I haven't gotten much out of my meetings with him for a while now. My prayer life needs to change. My spiritual growth has outgrown my daily prayer routine. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten bored with the same routine and thus get caught up in just going through the motions. Maybe I would benefit from another priest's guidance.

I went through a period of confusion regarding everything but I think I've finally gotten clarity... or as much clarity as I can get while going through a rough time.

Despite confusion about whether I should continue with grad school or leave, I've felt peace about staying so I'm going to tough it out. Like I've repeatedly said, I do love my courses and my professors are great... I just got a bit overwhelmed falling behind on everything post-accident. I had to ask for an extension on my first Philosophy paper. I finished my Theology paper 4 hours after it was due because I decided that I would rather turn in the best paper I could instead of turning in something mediocre because I wanted to meet the deadline. I could've done that. I could've finished an hour before it was due... but it wouldn't have been my best work. I didn't even stress out when I couldn't upload my paper at 3 a.m. when I finished the paper and the school's website was down. That is unusual for me. Academic pride won't be a problem anytime soon. lol.

As for the career confusion: I was given many options lately but none that have felt right. Okay, let's put feelings aside: none of which I've discerned to be the right one for me. I've decided to postpone taking on a new job for now. I can afford that luxury -- to focus solely on school for the foreseeable future. If it gets to the point where I need an additional source of income (right now, novel royalties are helping), I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: school is my focus. Whether I'll teach or work elsewhere will remain to be seen. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

Regarding the topic I rarely write about on the blog or, really, talk about in general: I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There's not much I can do but pray for my future fella. I'm enjoying my time as a single lady (mostly because my parents raised a fiercely independent young woman). I've also learned to let go of any fears I might've had regarding my vocation. If anything, everything that I've gone through this year has shown me that I'm not only confident about my vocation but that I'm also ready for whatever God has in store for me. And that's all you'll get from me for a while so enjoy it. lol.

Yes, life has been tough. In the past week I:
- have lost my spiritual director.
- was billed for something my lawyer insisted I get done when my case was open and now refuses to pay for it.
- turned in an assignment late.
- have had my parking spot taken from me by the new building manager despite having it for years and being the oldest tenants.
- was relocated to the alley behind our building, not far from where a neighbor almost got raped a few months ago.
- was told by the manager's assistant that if something happened to me at 4 a.m. when I take my mom to work it wouldn't be "her problem." (The manager has since apologized for the remark).
- have been told by the latest mechanic that he wouldn't fix my car.
- was threatened with having my car towed out of my parking space even though I've been paying for it (included in my rent) if I don't move it out by tomorrow at 5 p.m.
- haven't had a chance to study or even read because I get pulled away to do other things by multiple people (this blog post actually took hours to write due to the same issue) throughout the day. Seriously, I haven't even eaten more than two slices of bread and three tortillas all day and it's now 5:32 p.m.
- and much more that I'm not even publicly sharing.

As I said, I've cried (to release the emotions instead of bottling them up) but that rarely lasts longer than a couple of minutes. I, thankfully, bounce back pretty quickly. I'm okay. I'm still smiling. I'm surprisingly optimistic about everything. My faith is growing stronger as is my trust in God. I keep repeating Psalm 46:1 and Philippians 4:13 (RSVCE) as well as offering everything up for the souls in purgatory. I'm good. Really. I promise. If you have a prayer to spare and want to send it my way, I won't say no. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all because I know some of y'all were/are and I haven't really blogged since. I've been so busy dealing with all these crumbs that I haven't had the time. Sorry.

I hope y'all are having a better week than I am (haha!). I will try to write again when I get the bulk of what I have due finished. Commence operation "Little Emmy That Could." ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

"Bad Luck" Friday

I'm not superstitious about Friday the 13th. Yes, this past Friday was a weird (even terrifying) day from start to finish but I'm not going to say that it's all connected to the day because many consider it unlucky. I'll tell you exactly why I don't believe that it was a "bad luck" day.

When I woke up at 4 a.m. (to help mom request an Uber ride to take her to work; she doesn't know how to use apps on cell phones), my entire body ached in an odd way. I tried to sleep it off with a nap but the achiness was still around when I woke up. I didn't know if it was a cold, the flu, or something else. My body was just not feeling great. Since I wasn't feeling well, I wrestled with the decision to go to the chiropractor. My lawyer's assistant stressed that I should not miss any appointments because it could harm my case. I decided to go. I had to request Uber since I was not feeling well enough to endure the bus ride to and from the chiropractor's office. I got to place, had my therapy, and left.

When I came home, I decided to call my car insurance company because I'd received a bill to pay for the month of December. The customer service rep I talked to asked if I was going to get a new car or repair my current car. Since I didn't know, it was decided that keeping my insurance (for now) would be best. I called my lawyer to inquire about the case since I hadn't heard from them in weeks. It was one month exactly (accident occurred on October 13) so I was curious.

I was unprepared to hear how cold the lawyer sounded when she spoke to me. There was no case. Police had determined that the guy who hit me was at fault (he ran the red light) but he had no actual car insurance. The insurance information he'd given was false; the insurance company confirmed that he had no insurance through them. It looks like my neighbor's information (that the guy had no car insurance or a license) was correct. We think the guy has disappeared since the accident. Driving without insurance (which is illegal) and with a potentially fake license? Few would own up to it. Interestingly enough, right after I got the news, my body stopped aching completely. It was like I'd experienced nothing for most of the morning.

So what does this news mean? Well, that I'm basically, financially hosed. Either I get my car repaired (a mechanic that knew my dad is supposed to come over to assess the costs to get my car fixed) or get a new (used) one. With the high cost of living in L.A., tuition and book fees for grad school, other medical payments that have to be made, a stalled GoFundMe fundraiser, and one steady paycheck coming in (mine depends on the amount of work and/or royalty payments that come in each month) we basically don't have enough to do either. We'll find a way to fix this... but it won't be anytime soon.

After talking to the lawyer (and my mom; I called her to tell her the news), I tried to focus on my Philosophy paper due that night (I received an extension due to the accident). I was close to finishing editing it when I heard about the Paris attacks. While it shocked me, it hit closer to home when a good friend texted me, reminding me that his parents are currently living in a Parisian suburb. Seigneur aie pitié de nous. (Hopefully that's correct; my French is rudimentary.) I spent the next couple of hours keeping track of what was unfolding in Paris. Memories of 9/11 came flooding back. I couldn't believe was what happening. (side note: if you're wondering: I did end up finishing and submitting my paper on time.)

I shed many tears that day. It was just an overall overwhelming day with so many events happening at once. However, at the end of the day I was grateful. On a personal level, I have to dig deep and save up for either car repairs or a new car... but I still have my life and my health. Sure, my kneecap that was hurt in the accident hurts when it's cold but that can be remedied by keeping it warm. The material (car) can be replaced, my life cannot. Also, I did the math and we may actually save a bit more for a couple of months without the car. Surely, that will help bring a bit more financial stability (even if it's short lived) that we need.

I worked my tush off and I turned in a paper that I was proud of. Even if the grade isn't the best (I'm sure there was a lot I left out but the 10 page limit didn't give me enough space to write), I'm proud of myself for still working on despite everything that happened that day. If anything, I feel prepared for whatever the outcome. Either I pass my classes and continue or I don't. Either way, I have plans A, B, and C ready for whatever happens. Can't keep this girl down. :)

What happened in Paris is an atrocity. There's no way around that. There were so many lives lost... but so many more were saved by heroic acts of both civilians (such as the security guard who prevented a suicide bomber from entering the Stade de France) and policemen and women who rescued the hostages that weren't killed at the Bataclan Theater as well as in other places. In the aftermath there was mourning and anger... but also a sense of unity and resilience. I know some of my friends have an issue with me for looking at the bright side, even in horrific events such as this, but I can't help it. I see what happened for what it was -- a senseless act of violence against innocent victims -- but I also see the good that came out of it: an outpour of love and camaraderie that no one can take away. On a personal level, it made me realize just how much I love my family and friends yet how I don't say it enough. I know that they know but I should verbalize it more often. Also, the importance of frequent confession was made more glaringly obvious.

I feel like I can't do much in regards to what happened in Paris, except to pray. To pray for the souls of the victims. To pray for their loved ones. To pray for not only Paris but for the world -- there were earthquakes (Japan and Mexico) and other acts of violence (Beirut and Baghdad) either on the same day or close to the date of Parisian attacks. To pray that nations come together and come up with strategies that will help keep people safe; to prevent this from happening again. To pray for those who will risk their lives to ensure our safety, not just American soldiers but all soldiers in the fight against terrorism. I will remember that God is greater than the evil that exists. It may be hard to understand that -- especially for those who were more directly affected by the events -- but knowing that gives some comfort.

I think I'll end the blog post here but before I do I want to say a couple of things. Let your loved ones know how much they mean to you. Be grateful for all the good that exists, not just in your life but in the world as a whole. Pray. Be charitable. Go to confession. Keep God at the center of your life. In all your actions, try to make decisions that will lead you to Heaven. Be good and do good. I'll be praying for you all.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Why I'm Not Ashamed to Cry

This past week has been particularly hard for me. After the summer I had, my car accident last week, and everything that has followed since, it's no wonder that I had a moment in which I felt like I had to take a break and do something I'd been holding in -- cry. I didn't do much of it but the couple of minutes of it followed by a nap really did me good.

I didn't cry when my car got hit, when the impact made me hit my left temple (hard) on the plastic divider next to the door or when my right kneecap hit the steering wheel. I didn't cry when they had to put a neck brace on me and put me on one of those hard, plastic boards and taken to the E.R. I didn't cry when the doctor told me that my platelets and red blood count had gone below normal again. I didn't have a panic attack or cry in the following days.

I didn't cry when I realized that I would be playing "catch up" in my classes for the rest of the quarter due to the week plus that I lost due to the pain of the injuries sustained in the accident. (side note: I lost all of last week because I couldn't read for more than 15 minutes without getting a horrible headache that lasted hours).

Crying has gotten a bad rap and that's hard for me because I've always been a crier -- since I was a child. I'm sensitive and that's perfectly fine. I cry at the end of Hallmark commercials, people. lol. It's who I am. I feel things a lot more deeply than people think. However, throughout the years I've been told that I shouldn't cry. Crying meant weakness. Crying meant that others had power over me. Crying meant that I was giving up. It took me a long time to realize that that wasn't the case. Even up until recently, I had to hide when I cried because people made me feel ashamed for crying.

Crying this past week didn't mean that I was weak. It just meant that I needed to release a lot of the stress that I had unintentionally bottled up. Crying is my release -- when I'm angry, sad, stressed, or even overwhelmingly happy. After everything that happened, I needed it. For the first time in a long time, no one made me feel like there was something wrong with me for crying and I appreciated it.

After those couple of minutes of tears shed, I ended up falling asleep. I've been doing a lot of that lately -- sleeping. My body is trying to recover from everything so that's understandable. After I woke up, I felt a lot more energetic and I didn't feel as sad (which I've been fighting this week). I was able to finish an assignment for a class and go on with everything else I've had to do.

If I've learned anything since the accident (besides the fact that my guardian angel is a heavenly rockstar and that my friends are amazing), it's that it's okay to do things that are seen as "weak" by others. Asking for help? Despite it being drilled into my head that I shouldn't ask for help and that I should do everything myself, I've come to realize that it's okay to do it when you just can't do something by yourself. Admitting that I can't do something and voicing it? Totally fine. Crying? No longer ashamed to do it, even if I get reprimanded for doing it.

How have I been since the mini crying jag? Fine. Things are still super stressful but I have faith that everything will work out. Afterall, God never gives us anything we can't handle... and what we think we can't handle is what brings up closer to Him.

School: I've been able to do what needs to be done though time is not on my side. With so many chiropractor appointments, hospital/doctor visits, and the use of public transportation, I can't find much time to catch up on reading for my classes... but I feel as if I've been training for this all my life. The reading marathons, I mean. ;) Before anyone suggests reading on the bus, nope. I feel sick if I try it and sometimes it's impossible if there are no seats available. I don't know when I'll catch up but I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Verso l'alto!

Car accident: It's hard to not have a car in this city. I dislike public transportation because of the time wasted. I will admit that I hate chiropractor appointments but I seem to have hurt my back so I need to continue attending them. I've been walking a lot more (kind of have to) so my kneecap doesn't hurt anymore and my legs are getting stronger. All of this will help me so I shall endure it.

Health? I've had low platelets and anemia for a while now (only had a brief break between April and earlier this month, apparently) so I know what I must do. Lots of red meat and iron-rich foods (Mini Shredded Wheat!). I've lost some weight since the accident but I can gain that back. Goonies never say die! ;)

Yes, life is stressful and I may again cry at some point due to the stress but that's okay. Crying shows that I care. It shows that I feel deeply and that my heart is in the right place. Crying is part of my self-care routine and that is actually good for me, healthwise. Hey, if I can quote Anne Shirley and joke easily with friends, you know this "crying to release stress" thing works. ;)

Anyway, I should try to get some more reading done. I'm stuck at home until, at least, tomorrow or Monday so I should take advantage of it. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Car Accident and Guardian Angel

I don't think I can talk about too many specifics about the car accident itself since my lawyer, my insurance company, and the police have their investigations open but I'll write what I think I can talk about.

As many of you heard via social media, yes, I did have a car accident earlier this week. I'd actually just gotten home from spiritual direction and had decided to go get some food since we (mom and I) were hungry. Mom decided to stay home while I tried to go to In-N-Out for burger and fries.

The accident happened right outside my apartment building, which was a blessing. An ambulance had to be called since there were some injuries on my end. I had to be taken to the hospital. I don't know who told them to take me to the nearby Catholic hospital -- a block away from where my dad is buried, no less -- but I'm grateful. I was treated well and was grateful for all the help. To the witnesses who rushed to my aid, our apartment manager, maintenance workers, neighbors, paramedics, ER nurses and doctor, and police officers: may God bless each of you for being there for us during this time.

This is what I wanted to share with you: my thoughts/feelings about the incident and a story that I was hesitant about sharing at first but decided it needed to be shared.

First, I have absolutely no ill will towards the other driver. Neither does my mother. I have absolutely no anger in me. All I feel is gratitude. I have neighbors who were there and friends who saw how badly my car ended up who were/are furious but we (mom and I) were just grateful that it wasn't more serious. Police have each side of the story and I'm sure that, by the impact and the witnesses, they will come to the honest conclusion of who caused the accident. The paramedics themselves figured it out by the injuries and how the cars ended up so I have no doubt that the police will as well. I pray that the person who caused the accident takes responsibility for it and that it all gets resolved quickly.

Second, mom and I had a very interesting experience that made us feel like my guardian angel was there with me the entire time. If you're one of those who've seen the state of my car... you know the accident could've been much worse for me as far as injuries go. I sincerely believe that my guardian angel helped me escape something worse.

Mom and I were talking about what happened the day after the accident and we both talked about our experiences with an unknown young man.

My side of the story: All I remember is a young man with sunglasses kneeling down next to me while I sat on the sidewalk after I got out of my car which wouldn't decelerate. He said he could help me; that he had people who could take care of me and help me. He got my name and number and stayed with me even when those who knew me (such as our building manager and maintenance work) came to check on me. I don't think I can say all he said to me but let's say that he was a witness and was unhappy with how the other driver had handled the situation. He told me not to worry about anything. He stayed with me until the paramedics came. I didn't see him after the paramedics took over but he was there from, what I can remember, the moment I got out of my car until the ambulance came.

Mom's side of the story: while the paramedics attended to me, he talked to mom. Mom said he told her -- in perfect Spanish, no less -- to calm down because she was hysterical. He told her to not worry, that everything was going to be fine, that I was going to be fine (I'd only be bruised), and that she needed to trust God because He was going take care of us. She told me that as soon as he mentioned God, she stopped crying and felt an overwhelming peace in her heart. He didn't leave her side until she calmed down and it was time for the ambulance to take me to the E.R.

We don't know where this young man came from or where he went. He seemed to have disappeared shortly after they put me on a stretcher (precautions) but I'm grateful for that stranger's kindness.

This is the interesting part: while he knelt down besides me, the thought "I wonder if this guy is my guardian angel..." came to mind but I didn't say anything to anyone because, well, some people will have their opinions of it. I actually felt sharp (focused) and calm in that moment. When my mom came in to check on me the next morning, she said to me, "you know what? A thought came to me while I was ironing... what if that guy was your guardian angel?" Then she told me her story. Later in the day, we saw neighbors (some of whom came over to check to see how I was doing) and one of the women who comforted my mom had said that they didn't see him there. We described him but she said she couldn't remember anyone who looked like him.

My good friend, Alli (who is also the mama of my godson, Neil Flynn), set up a GoFundMe account because we heard that the other driver didn't have car insurance (I can't verify this as fact because I was taken to the hospital but was told by a couple of people who stayed at the scene until my car had to be pushed back into my parking spot) and my car insurance only covered liability (because, as y'all know, mom and I have been in financially strained and couldn't afford better). I'm not saying "donate" because I know many of us are in tight financial situations but if you could please pray that we can get what is necessary for any costs that won't be covered, I'd greatly appreciate it. We greatly rely on a car because (as y'all have come to figure out by my 4/5 a.m. PST tweets) I drive mom to work in the pre-dawn hours and public transportation in our neighborhood is incredibly dangerous at that hour. Seriously, prayers are amazing.

Anyway, that's it for now. I just took a break to write this so I can now focus solely on what I need to turn in for my classes. I've read a bit but I'm sooo behind because of all the doctor's appointments, the calls (so many calls), and everything else I've had to deal with post-accident. If y'all have a prayer to spare, prayers that my headache gets better and the mental fatigue lessens so I can knock out an assignment tonight, I'd appreciate it.

I hope everyone had a better week (ha!) and that y'all have a great rest of weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D