Sometimes Things Don't Work Out

Well, I tried... and it didn't work.

I am "back" in the sense that I've returned to this blog and have shut down the Benedictine blog. A very long story short: I had a major drop in readership for both my blog and my third novel. Like... insane. People weren't reading the blog as much as they read this one. I know blogs have begun going out of style but, goodness, the drop was drastic. I was wondering why and then I started noticing that people just weren't switching over to the new blog for some reason -- but they continue to visit this one more than the other one. I guess the "nerdwriter" and "catholicnerdwriter" thing has been a part of me for so long that people cannot associate me with anything else.

Also, my novel wasn't (and still isn't) really selling... which is not the greatest news when you've just incurred a medical bill that will cost 6 months-worth of salary for you. Oh, yes, I'm serious. I'll blog about that soon enough. I generally don't stress about whether my novels sell but when you're under a financial crunch, every little bit helps.

So, after much consideration, I decided to transferred the blog posts from the (now defunct) Benedictine blog to this one (yes, I kept everything as it was; blog titles, pictures, text, and even time and dates published). So if you didn't get a chance to read any of the following, you will now:

My Oblate Retreat, Part One: Obstacles, Tears, and a Trip to the ER

Dear Dad... 

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Smoke and Fire, The Novel That Complicated My Life for 2 Years

I do fully intend to post like a week's worth of blog posts soon because I have a lot of craziness to update y'all on -- and if you follow me on Twitter you already know part of it -- but I need sleep first. Perhaps after my nap (and after the next dose of antibiotics), I'll sit down and write one (or more) posts to spread over the next week. I will say this: I've had it suggested that this is a sort of spiritual attack because I was planning on going through with a major life change that has now been postponed (again) due to my recent health issues. That and maybe because I published the novel that took me forever to publish (full story here). Only God knows the real reason but prayers would be much appreciated that I'll be on the mend soon. Again, I'll explain this all as soon as I can.

Alright, well... I guess that's it for now. Did I mention I need sleep? Because I need sleep. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Smoke and Fire, The Novel That Complicated My Life for 2 Years

"I'm going to work on it again, so please say a prayer for me."

This is what I would tell my closest friends (and sometimes everyone on social media) every time I worked on the third novel, Smoke and Fire. Why did I do this? Because something would always happen when I worked on it... and it usually involved my health.

For two years and two months, June 2017-August 2019, I would have a number of things happen when I worked on the novel. The more I worked on it, the more things happened. All those ER trips and new health issues? Yep, all happened either the day after or within 2-3 days of work on it. Sometimes I would get so sick that I would have to abandon it for months at a time... and that's when I enjoyed feeling and being my healthiest in that time frame. That is why it took me 2+ years to complete it.

The bulk of the ending and editing process? I started it in early June of this year and I finished it this month? Guess when my health got worse after a good health spell.

Of course, it could all be a coincidence. Maybe something I was writing was triggering health symptoms... I mean, swelling in my heads, my brain, dehydration, a fatty liver (oh, yes, I just found out I have that as well), anemia, and all the other health issues can be caused by mental health triggers, right?

At one point during the process, I had the opportunity to talk to a well-known apologist about my situation after a friend suggested I might be experiencing spiritual oppression. He said he didn't think it was oppression, per se, but that he wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have a bulls-eye target on my back because of what my work (and the novel) is about.

See, I write these novels because I was inspired to write something that, quite frankly, could be read without having to go to the confessional afterward. The majority of the young adult and "new adult" (college-aged readers) books out there are filled with smut. I've had to abandon many books during my research of what's popular because they either start with the character in bed with someone or it gets to the point where it reads like softcore porn or "mommy porn" as books such as 50 Shades have been dubbed.

As a woman, I find this insulting. Surely I'm capable of enjoying a book that doesn't ramp up the vulgar sexy times in order to keep me entertained. Jane Austen didn't do that and her novels have been around for over 200 years, still amassing fans literal centuries after they were first published. I'm not saying that I'm anywhere near Jane's level of talent -- no! I have a long way to go before I can ever hope of reaching that level.

When I explained to the apologist about how I liked writing for my demographic -- young women who were strong in their faith -- he said that I would undoubtedly get attacked for it. He gave me suggestions on what I could do before writing (read Psalm 91, keep holy water nearby) and with that, I tried to finish the novel. I kept remembering his words -- the more I write things that go against the norm (that won't pervert young readers' minds), the more I could be attacked. Add the fact that I attend solely Latin Masses (the devil hates Latin) and, well, bulls-eye city. With that in mind, I become determined to finish the novel... and I eventually did.

Now that it's published... let's see what happens.

If you're wondering a possible reason for why the attacks (if you believe they were spiritual attacks) came on so strong... I don't know. Or, I have theories but I don't know for sure if I'm correct.

Theory one: I wrote something that is big in youth culture -- fame and celebrity worship. That's all I'm going to say without giving away any spoilers. I'm sure, from the novel description, you already figured out that it had to do something with that. As someone who dabbled in the "biz" in my teens into early 20s, I got to see a bit of what it's like. To this day, I still get glimpses of what that world is like. Of course, I don't mainly focus on that but it touches on it... and gives an alternative view of it.

Theory two: I address something else that is a big problem that I've seen more often than I'd like but one that I've rarely seen addressed. Again, not saying what it is but let's just say it goes along with the warning from Our Lady that the last battle would be on the family. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm not saying my book is groundbreaking. I'm not even saying it's good; you have to be the judge of that yourself. I'm just saying that I wrote something that I felt called to write and I wrote it. It may not sell as well as my first two novels. It may not be as well received. But, if I can make a difference to one single person's life by helping them in the smallest way, it's going to be worth two years of obstacles.

So, what is this novel that caused so much trouble? Introducing: Smoke and Fire.

Synopsis: A summer trip to London to be a part of her best friend's wedding. That was all Isabella "Izzy" Galvan looked forward to. Yes, her two best friends were well-known actors so she wouldn't be doing the typical touristy things. No one would pay the slightest bit of attention to her if they went out in public, but she didn't mind that. At all. In fact, having that anonymity was something that she fiercely clung to. The important thing was that she would be away from home; away from the ordinary (and oftentimes maddening) life she lived in the unglamourous suburbs of Los Angeles. There would be nothing but two months of spending time with her best friends, helping with any last-minute wedding details that popped up, and being a part of the wedding before returning home. Or, at least, that was the plan. Of course, when your closest friends are constantly in the spotlight, nothing ever goes as planned. That is especially true when everyone is hiding secrets that will change everything -- and every one -- for better or worse.

The book is now out on Amazon, both the Kindle and the paperback versions.

Kindle version: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07X5SK53F
Paperback version: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1717182992?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Anyway, that is the story of how Smoke and Fire came to be. If you're interested in reading it, please feel free to do so.

And that is it for now. I hope to write again soon. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Yes, I know; it's been over a month since my last blog post.

Life has been... an adventure.

There have been multiple doctor appointments and still more to come.

There have been trips to hospitals, including an ambulance ride to the emergency room when I had chest pains that were so bad that they made my entire left side go numb; the EMTs wanted to make sure I wasn't having any heart-related issues. They turned out to be muscle spasms that I've still felt as recently as yesterday.

There have been plans to move forward in a couple of areas in my life... all while dealing with health issues.

Ah, yes... the ever-present health issues. While my platelets were within the normal range for the first time in over a decade for two (yes, two) blood draws, the anemia has gotten a bit worse.

I've also been waking up and going "blind" for a couple of minutes in the morning. It usually takes me to the end of the second or (more frequently) third Rosary mystery before I can see enough to keep going on with my day. I have an ophthalmology appointment on the 15th -- the feast of the Assumption -- to hopefully begin figuring out what's been going on these last couple of months.

And, to top it off, I'm either allergic to a big staple in my diet or it just ups my histamine levels which made me perpetually congested and teary-eyed until I stopped eating it a week ago. Why, potatoes? Why?! So, now I'm down to only two things that I can eat: chicken and corn tortillas. Can we say "malnutrition deficiencies"? Since I have major food allergy PTSD (it's no fun to feel your throat get swollen or like you can't breathe right after you've eaten something that has never made you sick before), it's going to take a lot of courage to try new foods while dealing with the fears I have of potentially having a severe allergic reaction. It thankfully hasn't happened yet -- my reactions have been mild to perhaps slightly moderate-ish so far  -- my doctors are having me carry an EpiPen wherever I go. Fun, right?

Are we seeing the adventure part, yet? Yes, it's been a wild ride.

Throughout all of this, I'm ashamed to admit that I fluctuate between trusting God and forgetting He's even here. This is straight-up, real talk.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own fears that I forget Who ultimately has control of the situation. While I was amazingly calm during the chest pain/spams ordeal -- to the point where the doctors ruled out anxiety as a cause for the chest pains; I was praying the Rosary while going through the spasm pains -- I've had moments of pure panic where God isn't even in the back of my mind. And it's not like I even distrust that God has my back; I just forget because I'm so wrapped up in myself. It's absolutely horrible.

Lately, I've been wondering if I've gone through all of this as a sort of test. Not that God is testing my love for Him. It's more like God is allowing these trials to help me try to keep Him on my mind more often; to help me realize what areas of my life I need to work on to better my relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. Just looking back at how many times I didn't even think about Him versus how many times I remembered that God was in control has been an eye-opener. I have a lot to work on but I'm prepared to do that work.

All of this has always made me even more acutely aware of how much I am missing the Sacraments. How many times have I gone to Mass in the past 9 weeks? Once... at the retreat... because the chapel was literally downstairs and I could take the elevator down from where my room was and walk, even while dizzy and lightheaded and feeling faint, to it. Now that I'm back home and my health has slowly regressed and I have no one who can potentially drive me to Mass and feel comfortable enough help steady me if I feel a little lightheaded when standing up? No Mass for Emmy. Sometimes I'm too weak to even get out of bed, let alone walk downstairs or even drive to the nearest parish.

And, of course, that also means it's been that long since I've been to confession as well. I've had two mini spiritual direction meetings since but I haven't had a proper confession in weeks. My heart longs for it. I don't like being away from the Sacraments. I don't like missing Mass. I intensely dislike not having been to confession since shortly after my birthday in late May. The longer these things go on, the more distant and muddled my relationship with God feels.

I, thankfully, have moments of consolation where I feel God's presence, His mercy and love, in my life but those are infrequent and never last long enough. It's like I've taken up residence in the middle of the desert... in the middle of summer... during the worst heatwave ever recorded in the area. It's just plumb awful. Of course, just because I don't feel His presence doesn't mean He's not there. His existence isn't based on my dull human feelings. Intellectually, I know that... but it's still hard and it makes the struggle through the spiritual dryness even harder to get through.

I know that we all go through these rough periods in our lives and especially in our spiritual life. I know that great saints have gone through years or even decades (St. Teresa of Calcutta, anyone?) where they receive no consolation during their "dark nights of the soul." Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that closeness with God ever again... but, regardless, I still keep going. I mean, I feel like a fraud most of the time (again, this is real talk, y'all) because I haven't been able to attend Mass or confession but I'm still trying to do the little bits I can do.

I'm still praying the Benedictine Office throughout the day. I still have my list of daily prayers I pray, including the (much needed) Litany of Humility. I still pray the Rosary daily. I still pray for those who ask for prayers; for those whom I love and care for. I still try to do the right thing even though, the longer I go without the Sacraments, the harder it is to not fall into temptation and occasionally slip up. Still, that somehow doesn't seem like enough to me.

So, that's where I am. I hope my health improves in the near future because I miss attending Mass, receiving the Eucharist, and giving my soul a nice scrubbing in the confessional. Heck, I just want to have enough physical stamina to do basic things like getting out of bed and making myself something to eat without help some days.

I may be crazy to do it but... there's going to be a big change happening in the near future for me. This big change has been a long time coming. It's going to make me face some of my biggest fears and it's going to take me away from everything I've ever known. I think you can sort of guess what I'll be doing with those clues. Again, I may be crazy for embarking on this journey in the middle of my health issues, but perhaps this is something I need to do to improve my health. I'm being vague about it now but I hope to be able to share some details after it's all said and done. Just, please, keep me in your prayers because the whole situation is going to be high-stress and I'm honestly a little worried about how that will affect my health in the process.

... did I forget to mention that life has been an adventure lately? I didn't even mention finishing novel three in the middle of all that craziness! lol. Yes, I'll blog about that soon, as well.

Anyway, this is all part of why I've been MIA lately. I know I've been slightly more active on Twitter but that's been due to the prayer requests when I feel like, "Okay, I need prayer warriors to help me out with this one." I hope to get back to writing more, especially now that novel three is done and I'm slowly getting through all the doctor's appointments (and the follow-ups to the follow-ups). I have 3-4 more appointments scheduled (for now) in the next month, two this week.

Breathe in... hold for 1... 2... 3... 4... and breathe out...  Repeat.

I hope summer has been kinder to y'all so far. Can autumn hurry up and get here already? Summertime and I clearly don't get along. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

Written Wednesdays #2: Quick Beats and Novel News

My lack of blog posts lately has been due to both a busy schedule and less time spent online. I have a lot to share but, goodness, not enough hours during the day to do so. I had a couple of free hours today so I've been catching up on emails, reading other articles, and (now) blogging.

I've actually scheduled a blog post into my crammed schedule for every Wednesday, even if no articles of mine get published the previous week. I hope this means you'll be hearing from me at least once a week. ;)

I still have a lot of stuff to do and not enough hours to finish them in so here we go with some quick beats.

Articles:
I finally get a chance to share with y'all more written content! Hooray! I don't have a say in when things get published on EpicPew, CatholicChemistry, or Verily Magazine. Sometimes one website will space articles I've already written out over a couple of weeks or months or they'll have them in the drafts for a week or two for whatever reason. Hopefully, I'll have something to share next week as well but, again, it's up to the editors. :) For now, here are four new articles for y'all.

EpicPew:
1) 20 Prayers for Busy People on the Go (September 20, 2018)
2) 10 Quotes the Saints Definitely Didn't Say (September 20, 2018)
3) 15 Things All Catholic Women Love (September 27, 2018)

Verily Magazine:
1) Tips for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in High-Energy Environments (October 2, 2018)

Novel news: I know, I know... the third novel was supposed to be out in the summer. Due to summertime craziness and a deluge of work I had in recent weeks (thank you, God; please send more!), it's been on hold since I still have to finish editing it and also finish the cover. Yes, I'll also be doing the cover so, you know, lots of work! I'm aiming the new publishing date to be on November 22nd, the feast of my confirmation patroness, St. Cecilia. If anything else comes up, I'll update y'all but it seems like it's finally going to happen.

And that's it for now! Did I mention I have given myself an 8 p.m. cut-off time for online things which means I have roughly 2 hours to finish this blog post and catch up on several emails? I'll let you all know how this experiment goes. Yes, it has to do with changes I'm also making to my spiritual life so you'll be getting details about it. ;)

I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Benedictine Oblate and Third Novel News

Hear ye, hear ye! The news express is making a quick stop straight from Emmyland.

From all the recent emails I've received recently, it looks like I'm officially on my way to becoming an official Benedictine Oblate. Cue the happy crying, fangirl squealing, and other celebratory actions a young woman of my age should've outgrown by now... but hasn't. lol. The Oblate novitiate period is a year-long process of discernment. To say that I'm excited would be an understatement. Did you not see the "fangirl squealing" part? lol.

Seriously, I could not be happier. My spiritual life has gotten a much life boost. I honestly feel like a different person and have been much happier. The Lenten week of depression only lasted the entirety of Holy Week before disappearing. I've already planned on spending more time in adoration with this book by St. Alphonsus Liguori this week. I look forward to discerning whether this is something God is calling me to do over the next year.

We have a (tentative) publication date for the third novel: May 14, 2018. That's 4 years (what?!) and 2 weeks after the publication of the first novel. It is the first non-Will and Lina book and something that was re-written over the past couple of months. It started out as one thing and with one idea and it morphed into something else. Not only that, a sequel will have to be written to finish the story. I tried to avoid it but I couldn't; these characters have a mind of their own.

As with my other novels, I decided to take the self-publishing route. Why? Because, really, it's the best options for these types of books. The YA/NA market is hard to break into, especially with books with my specific intent to write books that aren't smutty or insulting as the ones that dominate the current market. No, self-publishing is the right path for these books... for now. The autobiography I'm ghostwriting will (hopefully) be going to an actual publisher and is headed down a more traditional route.

If you're new to these parts, my novels tend to be YA/NA (young adult/new adult) aimed at young women between the ages of 17 to 26. I've had guys read my previous two novels (When Two Worlds Collide and London Calling) and I haven't heard too many complaints but, yeah, it's not aimed for y'all. I just have to put that warning out there. ;)

Alright, that's it. I've had an uber long day and I'm "functioning" on less than 5 hours of sleep which tends to make me a little silly and giddy. You guys are better off not seeing that side of me. lol.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Is This What You Meant, God (via St. Francis de Sales)?

St. Francis de Sales has been popping up in my life at the most (seemingly) random times of my life during the past year. It's usually when I'm questioning a lot of things, career-wise. It's happened, once again, while doing the 54-day Rosary novena.

It's no secret that two of my intentions are that I either graduate from the program I'm in (which I feel called to do despite hating it) and work in this field OR that God shows me what He wants me to do if it isn't the SLP route. Either way, I just want to do His will... while paying back my student loans. It's the only debt I have (besides paying off my laptop) and I want it gone.

In an ideal world, I would be a writer -- either of novels, as a ghostwriter (which I have experience in), or for Catholic publications. I just want to write. I want that to be my work... but I haven't had the best luck trying to break into it because I'm not as aggressive as other people in trying to land work. I don't like using my connections to get jobs. I want to get them on my own merit and talents.

When I asked God to show me my gifts a couple of weeks ago, I was and wasn't surprised to see that writing came up. I wasn't because I've always had better success communicating through the written word than verbally. I was because, like I said, I haven't had much success in the writing world over the last couple of years. Still, I've felt pulled back to write... and to make a better effort to make it happen, career-wise.

Last month, a friend asked me if I was doing NaNoWriMo this year and I, on a whim, decided I was going to. Yes, I have a full load of schoolwork and everything else but I need the creative outlet that writing offers. I've only had two nights since November 1st to work on a third novel but I've already made a decent amount of progress in those 2 days. 

I'm going to start over... in a sense. Since I let my @nerdwriter Twitter account go the 30 days without activating it, it's gone. It can't be reactivated and I can't gain all those followers again. That doesn't bother me. In fact, it makes things better because I have the chance to have a fresh start as a writer. The nerdwriter era had to come to an end and I don't regret doing it. I opened up a new public account and am going to be using @MelissaCeciliaG as my new handle since that's what I use professionally. Warning: If I come to realize that this was a rash decision, I have absolutely no qualms about shutting the account down. I can do without Twitter... if I'm not writing. For now, it's a necessity. 

Why did I start over again last night? Because, as I prayed day 9 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I felt like I was having a mental dialogue with God that went something like this:

"Use your gifts."

Me: But I'd have to start over again.

"Is this your passion?"
Me: Yes.

"Then start over again. Don't let anyone or anything extinguish your gifts."

Me: But...

"Don't let anyone dampen your light; your fire."

I felt such a motivation and a sort of push to get back into things... with some modifications. I already know what and what doesn't work for me in terms of Twitter because I still have that love-but-mostly hate relationship with the site. Taking a cue from one of my favorite non-fiction writers, author Jennifer L. Scott, I'm going to be using the account to post things that are associated with what's going on with me as a writer. And, okay, I'm also going to share the odd tweet and/or article that I find amusing that I would like to share but I won't be as active as I once was. 

There's one more thing that is a big change for me: I'm 98% sure I'm going to make the transition from New Adult fiction writer to a non-fiction writer. I already have two projects (one of which isn't even mine; I'm ghostwriting someone's memoirs) lined up for the end of the year. When I felt the push from God to try my hand at writing again, it became clear to me that I do better as a non-fiction writer. I literally went "Ohhh...!!!" aloud when I came to that realization a couple of days ago. lol. I don't know why but writing about things that happen in real life (i.e. these blog posts, past articles I've written for various publications and companies) makes more sense to me. Sure, I have a ton of stories bouncing around in my mind, but I think I connect better with readers when I can just be myself, warts and all. I still may write the occasional YA/NA novel (my third novel is one I feel compelled to write/publish) but my focus will be different this time around. 

Now we come back to St. Francis de Sales... I've been wondering all year if this was why he kept popping up in my life whenever I questioned my career choices. I kept thinking to myself, "does this mean I should give writing another shot?" He is the patron saint of writers... but he's also the patron saint against deafness which falls in the speech-language pathology field. I'm currently studying for speech-pathology AND audiology as part of my second Bachelor's program so I've been learning more about the deaf community this semester. I have more audiology courses next semester so, you know, I won't be surprised if he continues popping up in my life through graduation.

Could it be possible that God wants me to work in both fields? It is a possible option, after all. After I finish my degree (if I can pass my courses this and next semester), I plan on doing my license hours so I can get my SLPA license. There will be a lot of free time in between graduation and when the license hours will be completed since the local programs will begin in September and end in November... if I can get into the cohort that begins in Fall 2018. If I don't, I'll have to apply for the Spring 2019 cohorts (which end in April) and see if I can get into them. In the meantime, I'll need to do something (work-wise) to begin paying back my student loans. Is this what you meant, God (via St. Francis de Sales)?

I've been saying (for weeks/months) that I don't feel like I'm meant to keep my focus solely on the speech-language pathology field, even going as far as saying that I didn't see myself doing it long term. Could it possible that it was because I had to figure out that I was meant to do both? I guess I'll just have to wait for more clarity from God. For now, I'm going to continue to try to work as hard as I can in my coursework and exams... and try to get the third novel completed and published. I probably won't get the novel finished until sometime next year but, at least, I'll have a way to reward myself for doing well on my exams (for every passed exam, a full day of just writing and no studying).

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. Please feel free to follow me on Twitter. I can't guarantee I'll check it daily or as often as before but now I'll be able to keep in touch with some of y'all with whom I'd lost touch when I closed down the @nerdwriter account. 

That's it for now. I have an exam to study for and an assignment to complete... and then more writing to do. Whoo! :D

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Ladies, Don't Romanticize Your Celebrity Crushes

I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to blog until I finished studying... and I still have a lot of studying to do for tomorrow and Saturday's exams. I was going to wait until this weekend to blog (and I do have a few posts in mind) but then I read this article about why Harry Styles would be the "best boyfriend" the writer will never have and I had to write this because I feel very strongly about this topic.

This was the reason why I wanted to finish and publish the third novel. The fantasy world that so many young women (and some young men) live in because of their crushes on celebrities is seriously unhealthy. Social media has made it worse because it's now easier than ever to get in touch with someone famous that you like. Ladies, I'm so sorry to burst your bubble but who we usually see on interviews, tv shows, movies, on stage, etc... that's usually either a completely different persona or just one small part of who that person is. I'm going to admit that I know this firsthand because the last guy I dated is also an actor.

My ex-boyfriend presented (to the public) someone who was completely different than who he was in private. His fans thought (and possibly still think) he was this very sweet, humble, Christian guy... and I got someone who was emotionally and mentally manipulative and somewhat abusive. This was a guy who, while I accompanied him to a conference in which he made a "celebrity" appearance, thought it was funny to say "hey, look at this picture" and show me a pornographic shot (think Playboy-style) of a naked woman. I obviously looked away right away and I was sick to my stomach over the photo... but he thought it was just hilarious to defile my eyes and my mind. After we broke up and I cut him out of my life, he spread so many lies about me and he hacked into my emails and accounts to try to ruin me and my reputation. Now you see why my friends and I joke about his needing an exorcism?

The fangirls generally don't see how dangerous and how destructive some of the lifestyle choices their favorite celebrities make... or they choose not to care because of the crush. The drinking, the drugs, the sleeping around, the excess, etc. They do so many things that lead these people astray and they do these things behind closed doors because they don't want to alienate their fanbase. These girls buy into this myth that their celebrity crush is clean-cut and wholesome... or they see part of how they truly are and they glorify these dangerous actions. "This is the new Millennium..." "It's his/her life..." "Who are you to judge?" "Who cares what he/she is doing; he/she is hot..." I've seen and heard it all... and have seen them then try to emulate their crushes' actions because they want to be liked by them. Our culture is very used to Kardashian-style openness that doesn't hide very much from their fanbase... but there's still a lot that people don't see. These people have publicists and things they don't want you to know or see. Of course, just like with every profession/career out there, there are exceptions to the rule (and I still have acquaintances within the biz)... but, sadly, there are not enough good people who are honest and moral in the entertainment biz.

As someone who became a teenager in the late 90s/early 00s boy-band boom (I was a teenager between 1998 and 2004), I totally get celebrity crushes. I still get "celebrity crushes" like once every 4-5 years or so which feels weird now because I'm 32. lol. It's different for me because I usually "crush" on the talent and not so much on the person because of what I've lived through. Tom Hiddleston? A talented guy who can really act. Before Hiddleston it was James McAvoy; same reasons -- talented but it ended there. I think if I had to pick someone right now, I'd say my current "celebrity crush" might be Danny O'Donoghue from The Script because that man can write a great song... but the crush starts and ends there... and I'm still selective of which songs I buy and I wait for clean version of songs because I like my songs innuendo and cuss-free. lol.

I truly believe this is not just a celebrity crush thing. I think, sadly, many women romanticize their crushes (whether they're famous or the boy-next-door) and they project their own thoughts and feelings about them onto the person. I've lived through that myself; very few of us are immune to it. But I think it's gotten worse with the younger generation. They have this romanticized idea of what love is supposed to be like... how relationships are meant to play out... what an "ideal" boyfriend is supposed to be like, etc. All of that greatly distorts what true love is and it sets them up for heartache and unrealistic expectations.

I wish I could get more into this topic because it's one I feel strongly about but let's just say that I feel like we should do what we can to help any person who might be falling into this trap. If you yourself fall into their category, please don't think I'm attacking you. I'm just trying to help open your eyes to the reality. You do yourself, the person you're crushing, and your future spouse a disservice by living in a fantasy world. Yes, real life can be much harder and less predictable than fantasy-land... but it's also so much more beautiful and fulfilling than whatever fantasy your imagination can come up with. Not to mention, if you fall into lustful fantasies about your crushes, you need to get to the confessional asap. Slippery slope, y'all.

Okay, I think that's all I'm going to say for now. I've already spent too much time writing this (as quickly as I could) instead of studying. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well and I hope to write again this weekend... if I can get Saturday's exam completed early.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Third Novel Plot and Dating Break Revelations

Since I'm not publishing the novel, I'm going to give you ALL the spoilers. Keep in mind: this is a bare bones summary and my target demographic is young women between the ages of 16 and 24.

Isabella ("Izzy") Sonora visits her best friend, Zoe Walker, in London post-college graduate in hopes to figure out what she wants to do -- work or go to grad school. Izzy and Zoe met freshman year of college before Zoe (an actress) booked a role that catapulted her to fame abroad. When Izzy arrives in London, she sees that Zoe is living with her actor boyfriend, Rodrigo (professionally known as "Rory") Dominguez. Izzy informs Zoe that 1) Zoe never told her that she'd been living with Rory, and 2) that she should've known that Izzy would be uncomfortable in that situation because of her faith and beliefs. Cue big fight that doesn't quite get fully resolved. Despite this, the girls make up and Izzy gets a small taste of what life in the limelight is like (from the outside; going to premieres and events with Zoe).

Rory (who was working on his popular TV show abroad for the first 2 months of Izzy's visit) returns to London. Rory is kind and thoughtful, even going as far as limiting PDA so that Izzy feels more comfortable. Rory discovers that Izzy sings and plays the guitar. After some convincing, he gets her to agree to do some covers on his YouTube channel with the condition that no one finds out her true identity. Rory has literally millions of followers on his social media accounts and Izzy wishes to remain anonymous. They change her name and they film her from different angles, keeping fans guessing throughout the 7 videos they make over the span of 3 months.

Subplot: Izzy meets Grace Mitchell, another famous actress (more so than Zoe and Rory) who becomes like a big sister to Izzy. Grace doesn't buy into the fame game. She doesn't even have a way for fans to contact her via social media though she's always friendly when she meets them in person. Izzy gets both perspectives of the entertainment business: selling yourself/your brand to become more famous (Zoe and Rory) vs. doing things for the love of the craft and eschewing the superficial side (Grace).

Eventually, Izzy finds herself emotionally attached to Rory despite her best efforts not to be. All the time spent together, all the things they've shared, leaves her confused. Grace takes her away to Bath for a week to get her mind straightened out since it's Izzy's last month of vacation. When Izzy returns to London, she finds an enraged (and clearly drunk) Zoe in denial over her breakup with Rory, who moved out and returned back to work while Izzy was away. Zoe kicks Izzy out of her flat, no explanation given. Grace takes Izzy to stay at her home with her new husband, Ben. Izzy sees what a solid, stable relationship looks like, a breath of fresh air after seeing the impassioned and volatile relationship that Zoe and Rory had.

Someone leaks Izzy's identity as "Lily" (her YouTube alias) to the press. Furthermore, this person blames her for the Zoe-Rory breakup. Rory informs Izzy that it was Zoe who leaked the info and started the rumors because she thought that they were seeing each other behind her back. A "friend" of Zoe's told her she frequently saw Izzy and Rory "meeting outside a church." What the "friend" didn't know (but the readers knew all along) was that Rory had helped Izzy sneak off to Mass for months because Zoe used to fake serious illnesses and did everything she could to keep Izzy from going to Mass. Zoe is seriously anti-religion (which was a surprise to Izzy; Zoe had always been supportive up until Izzy wasn't happy with the Zoe-Rory living arrangement) while Rory is agnostic but he respects Izzy's beliefs. In the end, Zoe is exposed and all the things she did to sink Izzy and Rory's reputations backfire quite spectacularly.

The rest of the novel (which I didn't get a chance to flesh out) would've dealt with Izzy having to make big two decisions. First, she had to figure out whether she wanted to attend graduate school in England (University of Bath), do an internship with a photographer friend of Grace's (who, surprise, was going to be Will from the Will and Lina series), or accept Rory's manager's proposal to sign as an artist to start her own music career (she was not interested in acting).

The second big decision was Rory. He confessed his feelings for her and even wanted to move to L.A. to be with her. Izzy would end up rejecting him. He had a lot of faults that she couldn't overlook; that she knew he couldn't/wouldn't give up especially in the areas of lust, sloth, and gluttony. (side note: Zoe and Rory were going to embody the 7 deadly sins between them while Izzy Grace would exhibit the 7 capital virtues throughout the novel; Zoe was the mirror opposite of Grace, Rory of Izzy).

Keep the plot in mind as I now tell you what really happened to me and how this led to my dating break...

There exist a real-life Zoe and Rory and their lives are very similar to their fictional counterparts. That's all I will say. Unfortunately, like Izzy, I also ended up developing feelings for real-life Rory. That's what got me in trouble from January through July of this year. I used to say "Oh, he's like a brother to me," but I realized that wasn't true. An emotional attachment that had developed and it affected me in ways I didn't realize until it was too late. You'd think a 31/32-year-old would know better but, oh, that's when the devil likes to mess things up; when you let your guard down and think you'll be fine. Don't let your guard down and keep God in the center of everything, even things you think you've got under control.

I never approve but I became desensitized to real-life Zoe and Rory's living together. It wasn't until the end that real-life Zoe was crassly open about things that should be left between two (married) people that I snapped out of it. I somehow didn't realize real-life Rory's problem with giving into excess and a number of other things that slowly pulled me away from the faith. I was sucked in by the kindness, the laughter, the fun, and other (superficial) good things that unintentionally made me overlook what put me in danger. I began to have doubts. I began to think that perhaps this was the right path before because I was a terrible Catholic. Oh, sweet, dumb Emmy. Thankfully, God was with me throughout it all so I didn't fall away completely... but, boy, it was a close call at one point.

Another way God has humbled me lately: I'm not as strong (spiritually or emotionally) as I thought I was. I realized that through this experience. I'm not as smart as I thought. I'm not immune to making really dumb decisions and overlooking red flags. I also don't know the faith as well as I would like, which is pushing me more into the lay Dominican path.

Because real-life Zoe and Rory were a big part of my daily life, it was hard for me to gently remove myself from their lives. I made a point to not see them or see what they were up to. Communication ceased. I blocked them from private social media accounts. I erased all virtual traces I could from my laptop and connected devices. Unfortunately, they'll still pop up unexpectedly but I know how to get myself out of those situations.

After that happened, I was shaken up... and inspired to work on my relationship with God. I knew that I needed to work on myself and my anemic spiritual life before I could go forward in any future vocation discernment. I've known my vocation is being a wife and mother (someday) but I cannot build a solid family on a rocky, unstable foundation (especially with my spiritual life in tatters) so my self-imposed dating break began. I actually considered discerning becoming a consecrated single for a couple of weeks recently before I was reminded of the peace and certainty I've felt discerning the marriage vocation.

The novel was me (mainly) working through the feelings and making sense of everything. I began to write the novel around May-June when I was slowly getting out of months worth of me being confused over my situation with real-life Rory. It was when I started writing things out that I was able to work through it all. The feelings that once existed for real-life Rory are no longer there. In fact, I can't even look at him without feeling repulsed. My spiritual life is back on track though it's going to take a while for me to get to where I was.

And, there you have it. The novel plot and the story behind the inspiration for it. I had hoped to inspire young(er) women to look at their relationships, their friendships, and their faith carefully so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap I did but I'm now seeing that perhaps an honest blog post would work better.

Also, to any young blog reader who gets a bit starry-eyed and dreams of a life like those of celebrities: please be careful. Things aren't what they seem. I'm a bit cynical when it comes to the biz because I've grown up around it and I've seen what it does to people... and I claim temporary insanity from December of last year to July of this year for thinking I could return without it affect me or my faith. I walked away from all of that when I was 20 and (despite the massive temptations to go back and work as a screenwriter last year and this year) choosing to stay away from it is what is best for me on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and even physical level.

By the way, this all connected to my St. Andrew Christmas novena and 54-day Rosary novena intentions from Advent last year because I asked God to help me reject worldly, superficial things that would hurt my soul... which came from last year's temptation to chuck it all away and return to my pre-reversion career path. What I didn't anticipate was that I was going to be tested in a way that all the worldly, superficial things were going to be presented in a neat, pretty package with sparkles and would blind me and make my anemic faith even more fragile for months. I'm incredibly grateful to God for opening my eyes because I was in a terrible place. I know that I had to go through all of this to be able to grow in my relationship with him.

That is the whole truth behind the novel inspiration, the dating break (though part two of this is coming soon), and why it's best that the novel doesn't see the light of day. It took all of this to get me to where I am now and I'm truly grateful for all the prayers and support from friends who knew what was going on and prayers from those who didn't know what was going on but could sense that I was going through a hard time. I'm still working on my relationship with God so everything else will have to wait.

That's it for now. I actually wrote this on the night of the 6th because I want to dedicate all of the 7th and 8th to finishing what is due on the 8th so, you know, if you leave my comments I won't see them until the thing is turned in. Just a heads up. :)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Why I'm No Longer Writing the Third Novel

One of the clues I gave a small group of friends on what my novel was about back in June.

First, I just wanted to say a big "thank you!" to all of you for your kind words (in public and private) regarding the blog post I wrote last night (God Humbled This Proud, Conceited, Vain Girl). I honestly wasn't expecting many people to read it since I wrote it and posted it so late. I woke up to some very lovely messages and it brightened my morning despite the lack of sleep.

As I wrote yesterday, I didn't post this blog post yesterday because I had last night's blog post topic on my mind. In my heart, I felt like it was the right time to write and publish it... even if it meant that I would get little to no readers as the East Coast, where most of my readers reside, was already asleep by then. God does love to surprise us, doesn't He?

I won't make this post very long because there is going to be a (sort-of) part two and three in which I will discuss what the messages/theme of the novel were and why I was inspired to write it. However, after much consideration, I decided not to continue it... or, at least, not to publish it.

A couple of days ago, I stayed up until 2:30 a.m. (after writing for hours) editing and fleshing out the story a bit more since the basics were all written out through the ending. I went to sleep feeling so happy that I'd broken through the writer's block and that the novel finally felt right; that God had finally given me the right words to say. When I went to work the next afternoon, I was met with a surprise: everything I had written, edited, and worked on was gone.

I have this tendency to save every couple of minutes so that I don't lose anything. I'm a writer; it's a habit for the sake of one's sanity. I also backup all my files online just to be safe. Before I went into full-blown panic mode, I went to recover all the unsaved documents... and everything but the novel was there. I went through all my documents -- through all my files on my laptop -- and found nothing. I asked Microsoft for help but I was informed that since I don't save my documents on their own online cloud, my work was lost.

I would be lying if I said I didn't cry. I did. I apparently had the most heartbreakingly sad cry I'd had in years that my mom left the room so she wouldn't hear me. I was gutted. I had worked so hard and to lose everything just hurt... especially since I felt like I was finally going to be done with it.

For weeks, I'd wanted to finish the novel because it was inspired by what I went through this summer and earlier this year; what caused me to have an intense spiritual dryness I'd never experienced before and what nearly caused me to nearly leave the Faith. Having to write things out was making me relive things, which wasn't all bad. I was able to work through a lot of things and it helped me get my spiritual life back in order. However, in the last couple of weeks, it was doing a lot of interior damage. Sure, my spiritual life was getting better but other parts in my interior life were suffering. That's why I tried to work through it as fast as possible; I just wanted to be done with it. Furthermore, every time something associated with the novel came up, I would get inexplicably ill. Think anxiety symptoms and then some.

I talked to one of my best friends and my mother about it and we all came to the same conclusion -- it seemed like a sign that I shouldn't continue writing it. As I thought about it more, and especially during my time of prayer, I realized that the novel didn't feel right anymore. I still want to get the messages out there... but perhaps I should come clean in the form of blog posts instead of fiction based on real-life events. As much as I love writing fiction (and I do plan on continuing some day), it seems like writing on this blog -- sharing the good and the bad that happens in my life -- bears the most fruit... so that's what I'm going to do.

I hope to write about the novel themes (and perhaps even share a bit of what I wrote in the novel through this blog) in the next couple of days. I have two big things due on the 8th and the 15th so I don't know how much I'll write between now and then. I shall try to get them written soon if I can get my work done on time. Please say a prayer for me regarding these two things (the first two of several in the next couple of months), especially since I'm a week behind schedule and it's a lot of work. I have two novenas going on at the same time -- one to St. Jude and one of the Holy Spirit -- because these are big, important things I cannot afford to mess up. Prayers, please: that I do well on them and that my health cooperates.

Anyway, I offer my apologies to those who were looking forward to the novel. I do hope to write another in the future but it looks like this one won't see the light of day anytime soon... especially not after I write the blog posts. Y'all will see what I mean.

And, now, I'm off to work on the thing that's due on Friday because I have like less than 2 days to complete it. *runs*

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Third Novel and Vocation Thoughts

Hello, everyone! I've been working hard on the third novel which is why I haven't been blogging much lately. That and I didn't like the idea of the novena posts being interrupted by random posts. I know some of you are wondering if the third novel is a continuation of the Will and Lina novels and the answer is no. It's a completely different story with new characters. Some things (i.e. locations) may be similar but this novel is different, darker even. I'm really enjoying writing it (despite the writer's blocks I've encountered) and I have an August 25 deadline so, you know, I gotta work hard. The ending is currently eluding me, which has never happened to me before -- I usually have the middle and ending written out first, but I'll sure it'll all work itself out when I least expect it.

Yesterday, I was reflecting on how I've gone through a major change in my life during the time that I've written each novel. The first novel was written during two major changes in my life: prior and following the death of my father and my time before and following my graduation from my CINO (Catholic in name only) alma mater. The second novel was written at a time where I was at an academic and career crossroads... and I had also realized (too late) that I'd fallen in love for the first time in my life. (side note: it didn't end up like it did in the novel, obviously). This third novel is being written during another big change which involved my vocations (career and life).

I'm trying to keep details off the blog (for now) since what I went through in the past 6-7 months served as the inspiration for the plot although, as usual, it's not exactly autobiographical. As weird as it may sound, I feel like perhaps I need to write this for other young women (or men) who may be the in the same boat. I don't think it's a coincidence that St. Francis de Sales has been popping up everywhere in the past 4 months and that a lot of my ideas for the plot/chapters come up while I pray the Rosary. I keep wondering if God wants me to write this because there seems to be a need to talk about the topic the novel focuses on. I haven't seen a single Catholic blogger (or, really, any blogger) ever touch on this particular topic but I've definitely seen the need to address it. How's that for vague (for now)? lol. I decided to write it as a novel instead of a non-fiction book because it's where I feel most comfortable. People who don't know what's truly happening in my life (only a handful of people know) won't know what was taken straight from my experiences and which was inspired by the events and fictionalized. Either way, I actually feel called to write this.

It's weird but I never felt "called" to write the other two novels. I never even considered that it was my "calling" to be a writer. I always wrote (my childhood best friend used to give me notebooks and pens for my birthday every year until I turned 18); it's always been a natural extension of how I express myself and my ideas. I wrote the novels for fun and then they got published. True, I wrote them with the intention of having non-smutty young adult/new adult novels for young women but that was it. With this third novel, I have my target audience in mind when I write... and I also have the Holy Spirit on my mind. I keep reminding myself that I set out to write this novel to (hopefully) do good in an area that isn't addressed quite enough but desperately needs to be. Sometimes I even wonder if I went through what I experienced the first half of this year just so I could write this novel. since any writer will tell you that it's best to write what you know. Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and this may be one of His ways to get through to others. As I said to God at the beginning of this novel, I just want to His will and if writing this helps one person in some small way, I'll do it.

I do want to eventually write about my vocations since I feel like God has never made my path as clear as He has in the past two months but, for now, I'm going to use that as inspiration for the novel. I also feel that, until the novel is published (late August-early September), I shouldn't talk about either topic. I will say that the big V (life; religious life/marriage) vocation helped me figure out the small v (career) vocation. It might now happen the same way for the protagonist in the novel but it did inspire part of the plot so... gotta keep it zipped.

That's all I can say about the third novel... for now. As I said, I feel like God (through the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Joseph, and the Holy Spirit) has taken pity on me and has shown me what He wishes me to do in the near future as well as what He would like for me to do long term (vocations). I can't recall every being this at peace about my vocations or what He wants me to do. Ever. Everything in my life has finally begun falling into place. Oh, how I want to talk about these things right now but I know that I should use that gratitude (towards God and my intercessors) and inspiration to write something worth sharing. Maybe I'll finish the novel sooner and I'll have it published before the August 25th deadline -- I certainly have the motivation to do so. lol. Patience, Emmy... patience. lol.

That's it for now. I will say that this blog post is setting up for something I want to post soon because it's another thing that also needs addressing. I may not write tomorrow since it's the 8th anniversary of my father's death and I don't know how I will feel (some years I'm weepy, others I'm in a depressive funk) but I'll definitely post again before the weekend. I want to get back to a healthy blogging/novel writing balance. :)

I hope you all have a lovely week and had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D