The Reason Why I Don't Always Post What I Want

No, the title is not click bait. I'm going to tell you exactly why I don't always post what I want and why some things never make it out of the "drafts" folder. Before I get into that, though, I'll give a little update on what's been going on with me. I promise it's all connected.

As most of you know, my big brother came to visit us from Texas for the week. It was great to see him and we had fun on our adventures (seriously still recovering from all those times we went out) but I don't think I've ever gotten so much out of one of his visits before.

He was not happy to see me so thin. In fact, his parting words to me were "you can do it! Get healthier. Gain some weight. You can do it!" (side note: yes, he said it twice.) Thankfully he didn't even see me at my thinnest. I am slowly gaining weight and getting healthier. My energy levels have risen significantly since I've started implementing some of the things I came up with to combat SAD as well as eliminated wheat from my diet. While I tested negative for a gluten allergy we've noticed that after eating wheat I'm physically and mentally drained. I've decided that, unless it's an emergency or it's the Eucharist, I'll be eliminating it from my diet. Receiving the Eucharist doesn't physical drain me; I've already tried it. :) So I'm making great strides there.

My stress levels are practically nonexistent. I think having my bro here also helped since he made sure I wasn't at home if he could help it. I didn't even stress or have any anxiety during rush hour traffic through Hollywood. Yeah, it's quite miraculous. lol. The great thing about him is that he's like my personal cheerleader. If he sees me start to doubt myself, he begins saying "you can do it. Don't have a care about it; just do it!"

This weekend I've been thinking about his words "you can do it! Don't have a care about it; just do it!" I had written a blog post yesterday but I didn't post it because I was worried about what others might've thought about the topic. My brother's words kept replaying until I went "well, darn it... it's my blog. Why am I so worried about what I write?" Hello realization that I don't always post what I want out of fear of what others think... especially when it comes to the faith.

I'm just gonna say it: I don't always post what I want because I've been accused of being "too pious" and/or too religious. I've become very self-conscious about what I share, not only on my blog and social media but also in person and with friends, because of the comments and eye rolls. I didn't say or write things to seem pious; I said and wrote them because that's what I felt and that's what I felt compelled to share. These days, I feel like I almost have to hide that part of myself because of what others say, which is incredibly silly of me to do but that people pleasing side of myself occasionally slips back into that terrible habit.

That's the thing though -- my faith is, by far, the biggest thing in my life. I've chosen to make God my main focus. I may not always share it and I'll fail at times but it's always there. The realization that I've hidden it out of fear of other's comments has made me very sad yet very determined to shed that fear. I don't need that in my life. I'm doing a disservice to God in keeping my love for Him to myself.

Yeah... you guys may not like the kinds of posts I will start posting in the upcoming weeks but, well, that's going to be the new normal. I'm sorry. What I'm going to write is what I think and what I feel. If you don't think or feel the same way, that's totally fine. I'm not here to judge anyone or anything but my own actions. You can disagree with me. You can say things to make me feel bad about my "ridiculous piety." Though I'm admittedly a sensitive person, I'm going to prepare myself for the comments and turn the other cheek. I'm not going to fight it. I'm sorry but I just can't keep doing it. Very curious that I got St. Rose of Lima as my patron saint for the year in Jen Fulwiler's random saint name generator last month. ;)

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. Talking and/or writing things out helps me process things and also gives me an incentive to go through with the plans so... there you go.

I'm really enjoying my time away from social media with all the eBooks and audiobooks that I've been checking out of the Los Angeles Public Library so I'm going to start one of the two new books I got today. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and that you have a wonderful week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D