R.I.P. Fr. Alexander Lewis

This was a picture found on the Bishop Montgomery High School website, under the Alumni News.

If you're following me on twitter or have "liked" the Facebook page for this blog, then you might've heard that my confessor, Fr. Alexander Lewis, passed away over the weekend. He had a heart attack last Friday and passed away at 8 a.m. on Sunday morning. Even though I'm still completely shocked and a bit numb (it has yet to sink in that he's gone), I'll admit that I sobbed for a good hour when I first found out.

I'd known Fr. Alexander since late 2006 when, shortly after my reversion, I started attending confessions at the parish where he was at. In fact, Fr. Alexander was one of the first priests I felt comfortable enough with to be able to give a proper confession. He was one of the first priests to tell me that I was occasionally too hard on myself (and I didn't realize it until it was pointed out). When the confession apps came out for the iPhone/iPod touch, I started using them and he always had a smile when I would whip my iPod touch out so that I didn't forget anything. He applied my Ash Wednesday ashes this year. If you read the first article I wrote for Envoy Magazine then you know how much I appreciated his help after my father's death. Basically, I feel like I owe a lot to him and his guidance.

The last actual conversation I had with him was on how I was doing with my anxiety. The last thing he said to me was that he would continue praying for me and my anxiety. It's a bit curious (looking back at it now) that I had a knot in my throat and I teared up a bit when he said that. Last Saturday, when I went to confession, I didn't see him there (in fact, only one of the usual three priests was there) but I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until Tuesday night that I found out why. The parish staff nor priests told the parishioners what happened until Monday morning. Since I didn't attend Mass that day (I was at Disneyland for the day), I didn't know until our downstairs neighbor told us. Both mom and I were shocked. We are still shocked. It probably won't hit me until I attend the Rosary and Vigil tomorrow. I haven't been able to attend Mass all this week (traveling and recuperating from the travel and sore muscles) so it'll be my first time back at the parish since he passed.

It's surreal. In a weird way, it felt like I had lost my dad all over again. I know it's not the same but this has been the second death that has really impacted me. Yesterday I went up to visit the Mission Santa Barbara (side note: a dream of mine is to make it to all the California Missions) and I could think of was Fr. Alexander's death and how he had also visited the Missions when he had a vacation a couple of years ago. (second side note: I'll post the pictures of the Mission Santa Barbara soon.)

I didn't give anything up this Lent... not in the usual way. I opted to add an act of kindness per day as well going to confession weekly since I've found out this is the best way to get me to be more aware of my thoughts and actions during the week. I also added things to my daily schedule and thus having less free time since that often gets me in trouble. Even though I didn't give anything up, I am still remembering what this time is about. Fr. Alexander's death has really set me in this mind frame that I should take a lot more time out of my day to really reflect. Not just passing because I'm stressed out over my Thesis (which is due at the end of this month). I am counting this as his (unintentional) last piece of guidance for me and my spiritual health. He might've passed away but what I learned from him hasn't. I know it's not the end for him (or at least his soul) and that he's in a better place now.

Fr. Alexander, thank you for everything you did for me and my family. We will all miss you. We will pray for your soul as well as for your family. (His father passed away about two years ago.) May you rest in peace.

Most Beautiful, and Weird, Day Ever!; Spanish Mass Conquered!

I am having, by far, the most beautiful (and super weird -- in a good way) day ever! I actually just got home from a Spanish Mass... which I went to by myself! Oh yeah... I'm getting braver! :D See, I woke up early to watch the Liverpool vs. Chelsea game (Liverpool WON! WHOO!) so that meant I could go to the English Mass without problem. Little did I know that my breakfast would get my mom and I sick. When it came time to go to the English Mass at my parish, I couldn't go. I was nauseous, my head throbbed, and I felt super fatigued. I told my dad that I would see if I felt better "in a little bit" so that I could still try to go to Mass. I ended up falling asleep and woke up an hour and a half ago. By this time, the last English Mass was half done. It would take us 15 minutes to get there so no use. I decided to give the Spanish Mass a try. I asked dad to drive me to the local parish (where I usually go to confessions) and he said alright. He didn't tell me he would just drop me off until it was too late. I got a little nervous because not only was this the first time I'd go to a Mass by myself without someone nearby in case my anxiety struck, it was the dreaded Spanish Mass which gets full beyond capacity. I called mom and let her know I would stick it out... and I DID! I was (and am) so proud of myself! :D I had virtually no anxiety; just a couple of seconds of "Can I do this?" I had this absolutely beautiful moment while I was there, too.

Since I was all the way in the back, I was the first person in line to walk up to receive communion. I had this moment where I felt like I was a bride walking up to my groom. Not only that, I felt like a blushing bride... and felt my cheeks getting warm, too. lol. I honestly, for a split second, thought "I'm going up to see my groom." It was the WEIRDEST and most beautiful feeling in the world. I had other things that happened during this time, but I want to talk to one of the priests I know first to get their take on it. Let me just say, it was an amazing and beautiful experience. So, I received Eucharist, and since I was on this beautiful high, I got the courage to try the wine. It was my first time doing that (at least since around my first communion) as well. Why I haven't had the altar wine in years... long story that includes the words "allergic reaction". What can I say... I was being brave. :D I'm not used to it so it burned my throat a little, but, man, it was so worth it. I felt complete. :D At the end of Mass, I felt happier than I've felt in a long time. *content sigh* Dad tried to make me re-think going to Mass because I was "sick" but I kept telling myself... "No, I belong in the house of the Lord. I HAVE TO be there today!" Nearly a month of missing Mass is horrible and I wasn't going to risk not going again today. I am so happy that I not only lasted throughout the entire Mass, by myself, but that I made myself stick it out. :D Si se puede, indeed!

Before all of this, I woke up from a wonderful dream. This is where all the weird parts of my day are coming forth. I dreamt I was talking to the only brother I've never met. My mother had a child over a decade before I was born. He died when he was only 11 months old. He and I have many similarities, I've always felt close to him... even though I've never met him. I've briefly mentioned some things about him in a previous post. Anyway, in the dream I had a whole conversation with him. It was weird, but very lovely. He said that he was looking out for me and that everything I did and said, he heard and saw. "After all, you're my sister" was something he said (I'm paraphrasing though). I remember I couldn't figure out whether to call him my little brother, or my big brother -- because he went to heaven as a baby, but he was born in the early 70s and I was born in the mid 80s. He seemed to think that was funny. He told me about some earthquake that would happen here "at least a 5.0" and that I should be ready for it. I have earthquake dreams often so I didn't really think twice about it. Then he said something about taking care of mom, and I decided to grab my things because of the upcoming earthquake. He showed me (I don't remember how) a holy card of St. Catherine of Sweden and said it was for mom. Then a holy card of a male saint whose name started with an R (don't remember the name, just the image on it) was left for me and it was implied that it was meant for me. Then the earthquake struck, I ran out of the house to this mini van where he apparently was waiting. Then I woke up... to the lights flickering on and off in my room. It only happened in my room, too. Mom was in another room and they didn't do that where she was. And to make sure I wasn't going crazy (haha!), we checked the digital cable box and saw that the power had indeed flickered on and off (with the To Be Announced sign on all the channel -- which happens when the power goes out). That was weird.

A little weirder still, I told my mom about the dream. We don't know much about St. Catherine of Sweden so I decided to look her up on my iPod. (Thank goodness for google search and wifi). I read my mom St. Catherine's story and my mom said "Wait... I'm 4th of 8 children too!" -- just like St. Catherine. I didn't know this! My mom was adopted as a child so I didn't know all this. Another coincidence, St. Catherine of Sweden is the patroness against miscarriages and abortions -- loss of children. So that was really weird, but cool. I put all this in the back of my mind and went to Mass, only thinking about making it through the Mass. Then Fr. Alexander starting speaking and with his homily came a name I wasn't expecting -- Moses. My brother, the one who I dreamt of last night, was named Moises (the Spanish version of the name). What weird, crazy coincidences. Nonetheless, these coincidences made me happy and made me feel like I belonged at Church today. :D

And to add to all of this: the female protagonist in my novel is named Catalina (aka Lina) which is the Spanish version of Catherine... AND Sweden is mentioned in the first paragraph of the novel. WHOO! :D

So, as you can see, I'm having a VERY weird (full of coincidences) but beautiful day. :D It's making up for yesterday when I had to miss my little adopted sister's play. :( (P.S. Trust me, De, I tried to make myself go but when it got to the point where I was literally going to faint, the plans were scrapped.)

Alright, well, I think that's enough babbling for today. :D I hope I didn't bore y'all with what's going on with me. :D I hope everyone is having (or had) a great weekend! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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