Big Decisions? More Prayer.

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the lack of updates but with the start of classes and a week-long virus (I spent almost all of last week in bed), I really didn't do much. Thankfully, I was able to complete all the work for the first week on the first day of classes last Monday so I wasn't stressed out and was able to sleep and rest as much as I needed. I'm still recovering from too much sleep (yes, there's such a thing) but am back to business.

My prayer life is almost where it was prior to the confusion and the spiritual dryness I had a couple of weeks ago. Concentration was shot because of the virus and now because I have too many thoughts racing around in my head (more on this in a bit) but I'm still soldiering on. I've missed Mass the last two weekends because I spent all day in bed, too sick to stand let alone drive (and I'm the only one who drives in this house), so I have a legitimate excuses for not attending. I still missed it though. I look forward to going to confession and Mass this week... during the week. Have I mentioned that I've missed going to Mass? 'Cause I have. A lot. I can haz Eucharist soon?

I've been a little preoccupied with school lately. Not so much the coursework (which is, basically, a repetition of what I did two years ago since all four classes are the same classes I had to withdraw from in Fall 2014). My current dilemma is figuring out whether grad school is an option that I need to pursue next month. Long story short, there's encouragement to continue straight onto grad school and become a fully licensed SLP after I complete this degree. It would mean 2-3 more years of intense coursework but it would also mean a lot more flexibility and options in the long run. However, grad school admittance rates are extraordinarily low for those who apply to the programs the first time so I don't know what to do. I literally cannot afford to apply to grad school and take the GRE AND do my SLPA license hours in case I don't get accepted to a grad program. Even if I decide to do my SLPA hours and forego grad school, I have to wait a year to do them since the waitlists at the two local accredited universities that offer them are currently at capacity for the next two semesters. I have a lot to think and pray about in the next couple of weeks; October is when grad school applications for Fall 2017 open and I need to figure out if I'm going to take that risk of applying and potentially not getting accepted.

At this point, I'm not going to stress over any big decisions even though it's my "default setting" to get problems worked out ASAP. I'm going to have to have a lot of patience, a lot of trust, and park myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as I can in the next couple of weeks because I've resigned myself to doing what I think I should be doing. As we've seen in recent years, I don't rely enough on prayer and on God to help make these big decisions and I'm tired of wasting time and money and not getting anywhere. I think I've done the minimum when it comes to praying about big decisions and I want to change that. My way of doing things has not worked so I'm taking a new approach to things -- more prayer and a lot less over-analyzing things. I know I live too much in my mind and I confuse myself in the process. I also don't want to be impulsive. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I'll get there... I just have to work on patience along the way.

Anyway, that's really all that's been going on with me. Like I said, because I was sick all of last week (and I do mean the entire week) I mostly slept and tried to rest which is very hard for me to do at times because I don't like "wasting time" when I can be doing something. Who knows, maybe I needed to get sick as a reminder of what happens when I don't take time to take care of myself. It truly was a good reminder that I shouldn't just focus on coursework because without my health, I can't do anything.

I'm feeling a little lightheaded and blah today because I couldn't sleep well last night (depression symptoms are slowly waning) but I'm going to try at get some work done for my classes, even if it just means printing out the materials I need to study for my first exams in a couple of weeks. Gotta do something. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. If I can pray about anything for y'all, please let me know. ;)

As always, thanks for reading (and praying for me)!

God bless,

 

Goodbye SLP MS, Hello Theology MA?

In the past couple of weeks I've been feeling like maybe I shouldn't continue down the SLP path. I'm not going to quit the program. I'm going to see this degree through. I don't quit so easily. Do I get discouraged? Yes. To the point of quitting? No. I will finish the Bachelor of Science degree and do my hours to get my SLPA (speech-language pathology assistant) license. However, I feel as if maybe I shouldn't continue down the Master of Science path.

I'll be completely honest with y'all... I only went down this route because my family needed the financial stability. If we didn't, I would've probably been doing my Theology MA right now. 11 months ago, I wrote:

I'm only doing this in the meantime (the financial crunch in an expensive city is real, y'all) and that I will pursue a Master of Arts in Theology when things are a little more financially stable (and I am more prepared to teach or do something with the degree)... I feel like this is where God wants me now.

While I don't regret taking this path, it's become clear that the M.S. program wouldn't be the best fit for me. Before I go into why, let me just say that I still firmly believe that I'm in the right field (for now)... but that I would be content being an assistant. I won't get to officially diagnose the clients or create their treatment plan but I would still be able to carry out the treatment plan that a fully licensed SLP created. Most importantly (for me), I will still be able to help my family out financially, which is why I did this in the first place.

Here's why I don't think the M.S. would be a good fit for me. First and foremost, my health is being affected in a big way. A year ago, I was on the mend. I was getting healthier. I was gaining weight after those stomach problems I had. All that progress? Gone.

I'm going to break one of the cardinal girl rules; I'm going to tell you my weight. I'm between 115.6 and 117.8 most weeks when I have classes in this program. I went up a couple of pounds on my two-week summer break; back down the second week of classes. Now, remember that I'm 5'7" so I should be between about 120 and 135 for my height. I was about 128 lbs. when I was at the CINO college a couple of years ago. That's my normal weight and has been for most of my adult life. Yes, I wasn't happy at the CINO college but I also wasn't losing weight.

The stress I feel in this program is literally making me sick... and this is just the post-BA, pre-MS program. Imagine if I went onto doing two more years of the M.S. program. No, thank you. There's a "joke" that SLP grad (and even post-BA, pre-MS) students are on anti-anxiety meds for a reason. It's just a stressful field. I do enjoy the hard work and I love working with the kids... but, for once, I need to put myself first. It's hard for me but I know I need to.

I'm so happy that I worked through my PTSD symptoms months ago so I haven't had any panic attacks or anything of the like. I did have major anxiety last week but that was stress-induced and I was still able to function with it. However, I don't think I want to push myself further in terms of seeing how much stress I can handle before I have an anxiety relapse.

There is one bigger factor in my potential (though seemingly decided) decision to stop at the B.S. for SLP and go onto my Theology M.A. next: the desire in my heart to teach Theology and/or work for the Church in some way has never burned brighter than it has in the past several weeks. It sounds a bit dramatic but I feel like my heart just aches for it. I know my vocation is (sadly) not as a religious sister but this intense desire to serve God has grown exponentially and I feel like getting my Theology M.A. is the next step to doing just that. This is something I'll be discussing with my spiritual director when I see him this week.

I feel like I had two big revelations over the last couple of months, both vocation related. As always, I'm keeping the vocation vocation part to myself. No one is surprised there. lol. As for my career/vocation: there is a big desire to go receive my M.A. from a faithful Catholic college/university. I had ruled out teaching only because I didn't think I was able to do it with my anxiety but I no longer have that fear; I can do it. I can no longer ignore that desire out of fear of not being knowledgeable enough, not having the courage to do it, or the fear of not finding a job (because I do know jobs for Theology MAs are scarce.)

Does this mean "goodbye, SLP M.S. and hello, Theology M.A."? It just might. I still need to pray about it, talk to my SD, and see what happens. I do plan on spending more time in front of the tabernacle (I over-study so I need the breaks anyway) so we'll see what He has in store for me. I don't want to make too many plans until I am certain of what I will be doing.

Anyway, this was just me thinking out loud. :)

That's it for now. I have to go do something productive... like studying for Statistics... or looking to see if I even need Stats if I decide to apply to a Theology M.A. program in the next couple of weeks. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Faith Trashing Professors; Ethics Speech; Prayer Request.

I'm having one of those days where I'm missing my big brother, quite badly, so I have to throw myself into things to keep from thinking about it too much. I know he's up in Heaven, and that brings me some comfort.

Anyway...

Oy to the vey. School related things are slowly taking over my free time. If I'm not studying or doing something for one of my classes, I'm probably sleeping or trying to keep sane. This ought to teach me not to get another early morning class... and that what I was able to do at 19, I can't at 23 (i.e.- getting up at 5:30-6:30 a.m. for a 6:30-7:30 a.m. English class). Come to think of it, I was even more exhausted then. This is something I should've remembered 3 months ago when I signed up for the course. Oh well... now I know. :) On the upside, 5 weeks into the semester and no anxiety whatsoever (well, not at school) so that's something worth celebrating.

Something not as good... faith trashing professors. Ever since that situation with the professor ripping on a student's faith, professors have either been more sensitive to what they say about religion, or they talk trash about it and about whoever talks about it. Since it happened within the district, some of my own professors have brought it up in class. One, my English prof., politely asked us not to bring the subject of religion into her class. I've already talked about how another allows students to gang up on a classmate of mine (and occasionally on me because I have the guy's back; we Christians need to have each others' backs). Don't get me started on the issues I have with that professor. lol. Since my other two classes (which are both Philosophy courses) deal with religion, it's unavoidable talking about it. In one of the classes, I've had a few people attack me... ONLY because I'm Catholic. Yes, that was the only reason. It was like "Pick on the Catholic" day. Of course, I said "Bring it on!" and defended myself. It wasn't too harsh so I didn't stress it.

In my other Philosophy course (Ethics) there's no Catholic bashing, per se, but the professor always says something about Catholicism which is either somewhat untrue (half correct, half incorrect) or just doesn't seem too happy talking about the religion. (He's a Protestant, in case you're wondering, though a very liberal one from what he says he supports.) Though he's brought up saints and even the late, great Pope John Paul II, he doesn't seem entirely okay with our beliefs. When my friend/classmate, and fellow Catholic, asked about St. Augustine's Confessions, the prof. sort of dismissed it because it was autobiographical. She and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. That's actually something you'll see us do quite a bit in that class. I'm happy I have someone who shares the same beliefs and morals as I do. We even spent Monday and yesterday comparing what medals and things we had. She had more medals than I did, but I have more prayer cards on hand. It's nice to know she'll have my back in case the vultures attack on Monday... which I'm counting on.

On Monday (or possibly Wednesday, depending on time), I have to present an Ethics speech either condemning or supporting an ethical issues. I chose abortion because it's the one that I'm most passionate about. That, and I already did an anti-Euthanasia paper for a Criminal Law class (when I was still thinking about becoming a lawyer) a few years ago. I think I have enough material to make it through the required 3-4 minutes of my argument against abortion, thanks to my friends on twitter who sent me a slew of great links. The only part I'm dreading is the questions portion because there's this guy in the class, who is sincerely disliked by a number of classmates, who is a pain in the tush and one of the rudest people I've met. I tend to be painfully shy when I'm in a classroom full of people I don't know (and ONLY when it's in a classroom setting) so I'm easy prey for the guy. I think he's already singled me out, too. The girl who gets up to make a speech and has an bright pink/red blush... yeah, that's me. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts about it, though. I will definitely say a prayer to St. Dymphna for a calm, anxiety-free mind, and to St. Thomas Aquinas - patron saint of students and philosophers. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

Before I end this blog (despite having more to talk about), I want to ask y'all a little favor. My dad is leaving on business tomorrow and we're not sure when he's coming back. He's going down to Mexico where there has been a lot of violence in the past couple of months. If y'all can say a little prayer, that he makes it back safe and sound, I'd greatly appreciate it. He and I might not always see eye-to-eye, especially when I want to go to confession and/or Mass and he refuses to take me, but he's still my dad and I don't want to see anything bad happen to him.

Alright, that's it for now. Part two is coming soon. I still need to write about soon-to-be attending a (not so) Catholic college... and the haunted dorms in said college. Fun! lol. :D

Oh, something that is fun is this video which is the greatest thing I've seen all year.


Is that enough procrastinating? lol. I think I need to go finish my Speech class (not my Ethics speech) homework. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. Oh, and if you have anti-abortion/pro-life links please send them my way! :D
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Best Valentine's Day Ever!; Prayers for Baby John Paul.

I had the BEST Valentine's Day EVER yesterday. No, it was the BEST DAY I've had in a looong time. :D It started with me submitting my dream university application and ended up with the song "Falling in Love At a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg summing up my evening.

I bit the bullet and finally sent it (and paid for) the applications to my dream university. I thought it was entirely appropriate that I did on Valentine's Day, as a gift to myself. Now I just have to submit some transcripts, along with other paperwork, and hope and pray for the best. :D I am really, very excited about the whole thing. It definitely set the tone for the rest of the day, as well. :D

Originally, I was supposed to go to the Catholic Underground RED dance but had to cancel those plans on Friday because of some little problems I came across. I was also supposed to go apartment hunting with a good friend, but her roommate got in a car accident so the plans were scratched last minute. This is actually how my day started. I decided to do my applications while all of this happened, which is when things looked up for me. After my mom got out from work, we did some shopping (I really needed some things from Target).

I won't say much about the evening because I am determined to keep that as private as I can, but I will say that I truly believe the Lord had a hand in what happened. Me missing the dance, staying home, seeing someone and feeling the way I felt -- it all makes sense. And it makes me incredibly happy because not only did I fall in love BUT all of this is going to bring me closer to the Lord! :D Seriously, BEST DAY EVER! And all of this is still making me happy -- despite feeling physically crummy.

So, while I am still talking about love, let me just say that I still view Valentine's Day the same way I did prior to yesterday's events. I will share with you exactly what I wrote for my Speech class:

"It's funny that people often think it's a holiday made up by the card and chocolate industry when in fact it's originally a Christian feast day honoring the life of Saint Valentine. I won't go into a whole story on him, because as both a Catholic and Religious Studies major I could, but the gist is that when he was alive, St. Valentine would marry Christian couples... when it was against the law to do so. Ironically, it's St. Raphael Archangel, not St. Valentine, who is the patron saint of finding love. St. Valentine is the patron saint of those already married and/or have found their soul mates.

Personally, I don't buy into the whole cards-candy-flowers-hearts aspect of the day. I definitely do think the day's been exploited and used for profit, which is sad. If you truly love someone, you should be able to show it every day. If a guy, or girl, wants to show their significant other their affection in a special way, then all the power to them. I think it's sweet that they do that... especially if they're otherwise less affectionate throughout the year. If I were to choose to celebrate the day like most people (with cards and sweets), I'd probably include my family and friends as well. Who said that Valentine's Day is exclusively for lovers? Can't there be any familial and platonic love as well?"

I forgot to add that we should also thank God for bringing love in our lives. Think about it... even if you're single, you still have His love, along with your parents' and friends' love. And I would to add that I'm not as cynical as I sounded in what I wrote. Trust, I am a hopeless romantic. There was something that the professor wrote that triggered how I responded to his questions.

Oh, and here's a cute video about love and marriage... from a child's perspective.



Haha, ah, kids. :D And speaking of children...

I recently read an article about the parents of baby John Paul Hauser asking for prayers and the intercession of his namesake, the late Pope John Paul II. Baby JP was born with a rare disorder and the doctors aren't giving him a good prognostic. I urge you all to pray for this baby. I don't personally know the Hausers but I can't bear to think of a baby's life being taken from him without doing something about it. Prayer might not seem like much, but it's something we can all do for him. Please, Pope John Paul II, help baby JP beat the odds! For the prayer, please go to the article. It's located at the bottom.

Alright, that's all I have energy for at the moment. I am missing Mass (again...) because of how crummy I feel. I think I'm gonna go lie down a little and see if it doesn't help. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Spring Semester!; RED Benefit Dance for Catholic Underground

Come on, Spring semester... hurray up! I am bored and I need some mental stimulation, even if it's me trying to cram knowledge into my brain before an exam. Luckily, I go back to school next Monday. The downside is that my first class, English, starts at 7:30 a.m.... which means I have to be up at 6:30 a.m. twice a week. *groan* I am used to going to sleep at 2-3 a.m. and waking up between 9 and 11 a.m. so this is going to be a challenge for me. Today was my first attempt at sleeping and getting up early. I went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 7:10 a.m. Granted, the only reason for this was because The Secret of Roan Inish (one of my favorite movies) was aired at 8 a.m... but it's a start. :D I'm so tired right now but I am making myself skip a nap so that I am hopefully tired by 10-11 p.m. tonight. By the way, if you think a 7:30 a.m. college class is nuts, I took a 6:30 a.m. English class my entire freshman year of college. The entire school year. Yes, seriously. If you don't believe me, I think they still offer the same class at Santa Monica College (my alma mater); you can go check it for yourself. lol.

Regardless of the time issues, I am actually looking forward to this semester -- mainly because it's my last semester of lower division classes. Technically, I'm done with lower division (except for 2 classes) and have enough credits to be a junior but since I'm at a junior college at the moment (because of financial aid issues I had with the Catholic college I'm at), I can't take upper division courses. I'm taking two Philosophy courses as my electives. My Spring schedule is as follows:
- English
- Philosophy: Ethics
- Philosophy of World Religions
- Speech: Critical Thinking (Persuasion and Argumentation)

Heavy load, isn't it? Glutton for punishment, anyone? lol. (Oh, and yes, I'm aware that they are in alphabetical order. Trust me, I had no idea that was the order my classes would be in. lol.) I need English and Speech so no way out of those. Just like there was no way out of Math and Science courses I've already taken. *shudders* lol. As for the Philosophy courses, well, I AM a Religious Studies major so these are good electives to take. I'm pretty sure my Ethics course will be required at my Catholic college... if I decide to continue attending it... so I'm good there. :D I am sure I will be taking part in some debates in my Ethics course. I fully intend to quote St. Thomas Aquinas, as well as Aristotle. Good thing I'm taking the Speech class that will prepare me for that, because I dislike arguing with a passion. Seriously. If I can avoid it, I will go out of my way to make sure it doesn't happen. Oh well, we'll see how it goes. I've already met one of my classmates when I went to purchase my textbooks. Fun. :D

Something I'm looking forward to more than school (yes, I'm well aware I'm weird for that)... the RED Benefit Dance for the Catholic Underground. It's being held on Valentine's Day at St. Victor's in West Hollywood. Modestia and Catholic in Film School blogger extraordinaire, Rebecca, will be one of the people attending it. I need to go dress shopping this weekend because, just like her, my only red dress is not suited for dancing. Although I am going stag to the dance, I still intend to dance and have fun. :D If you're in Southern California, especially the L.A. area, it would be a great alternative to all those crowded meat markets (a.k.a. clubs) on Valentine's Day. Just think about it... and remember that it's for a good cause. If you go, please make sure to say hi. You know, if you know who I am. If you don't, just ask around and I'm sure you'll eventually find me. lol. If you want more information on the event, please go to Catholic Underground (L.A.)'s website.

Alrighty, well, I should probably go do something productive -- like exercise, blech -- before it gets any later. That and I want to give you guys a break from my uber long posts. lol. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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