Online Inauthenticity and Temptations

This past week, I got the chance to research and write about the internet's patron saint, St. Isidore of Seville, for EpicPew. Why? Why not?! As someone who has a serious love-hate relationship with several online things (especially social media), I thought it would be good to learn a little more about who the patron was and why he was the patron saint. I won't reiterate what I wrote but you can definitely check it out here.

One thing that has really struck me lately is the lack of authenticity and how caught up in it we are without really realizing it. I'm not immune to it. I try to be as real and open as possible on this blog but that doesn't mean I don't also go with the - let's say - more flattering pictures posted on social media. Am I really that vain or is it just a fear of the judgment? I'd say it's fear of judgment but perhaps it's both... and it's made me uncomfortable either way.

I usually don't take selfies very often. The picture I had on Twitter before I changed it this week was nearly 3 years old and the new one was taken when I cut my hair two days ago. Still, it felt inauthentic to me. I tried to counteract that with a series of videos (to friends) on the topic on social media in which I wore no makeup and hadn't brushed my hair. I promise I didn't look like a complete mess but I felt a bit better. I normally don't wear makeup and I have my hair up and away from my face.

That incident made me think about how I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable online. Sure, it's been a sort-of lifeline for me since it's what I use to communicate with friends these days. We're all so hyper-connected that, if it's not said on social media, it probably won't be said at all.

I'm a social introvert; I need socializing as much as I need my own solo time to recharge my batteries. With my friends having moved away from L.A. and/or living across the globe (my best friend lives in Italy), it's hard to try to get everyone together, face-to-face. I went 8 months without seeing a single one of my friends, remember? Without the use of social media, I would have a lonelier existence... but I still hate it.

I hate that we rely on social media so much. I hate that it's increasingly difficult to get together with friends -- even those who live within reasonable driving distance. I hate that I hate the online world because it usually affects me much more than I'd like to admit.

I'm an HSP; I absorb people's feelings and moods very easily. Not only that, the feelings will linger for hours or even through the end of the day. The smallest amount of negativity will ruin my day. What's the internet and social media famous for? The infighting, even amongst us Catholics. It makes it hard for me to shake off the bummer mood. Why do you think I read and write so much? It provides distractions and keeps my mind busy when I've had enough of the internet.

I may (thankfully!) not have the temptation to look at pornography, to seek out fights, to troll people, to do anything damaging... but the temptation to live my life online and to fall into the trap of only sharing the "best" side of myself is still a temptation I struggle with.

A couple of months ago (side note: this post has been in the drafts box since the second week of January) I read an open letter to Benedictine oblates on the internet and social media (which is worth a read!) and I saw this prayer that I've personally written out for myself to use because, let's face, we all face temptations every time we get online.

"O God, who hast taught us to make use of the things of this life as if we used them not (1 Cor 7), grant me wisdom and discernment in my use of the tools of knowledge and communication, for the form of this world is passing away (ibid.). Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth (Ps 140); preserve thou my mind from aimless curiosity; turn away my eyes from beholding vanity, and pierce thou my flesh with thy fear (Ps 118). Chasten thou all my discourse, lest any word of mine bring harm to me or to my neighbour. Make my heart like unto a fortified city, that filled with thy loving mercy, I may praise thee with pure lips: Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come (Apoc 4), who in perfect Trinity livest and reignest, throughout all ages of ages. Amen.

Holy Mary, Virgin most prudent, pray for us.
Ye holy Angels, save us from spiritual harm.
Holy Abbot Benedict, teach us silence.
Holy Doctor Isidore, keep us from falsehood.
All ye saints of God, intercede for us."

How about y'all? Do any of you feel like you're in the same or a similar boat? Has anyone found ways to combat all of this negativity we encounter online, especially social media? (side note: even limiting who I follow on social media doesn't always help). Is it possible to find a good balance between the online and offline worlds that lasts for more than a couple of days? If so, please let me know because I feel seriously burnt out these days.

Anyway, I hope y'all had a good work week and that you have a lovely weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Amazing Rosary Novena Results

A couple of amazing things happened while I prayed the 54-day Rosary novena (from All Saints' Day through Christmas Eve).

- I was described as "bubbly" for the first time in a decade. This isn't new for me -- I've been called "bubbly" many times -- but it's something I haven't heard in so long because I fell into this spiral of self-consciousness right before I reverted to the Church when I was 21. That self-consciousness came across as shy, which I was as a result of it.

- I've apparently displayed a confidence that few people (at least those who haven't known me for over a decade) have seen and it's shocked them. I heard a few "who are you?!" comments a few weeks ago because I surprised people with how talkative I was during an outing with the young adult group I've become a part of. I've always been reserved and an introvert but I'm actually a somewhat of a social introvert. I like talking to people and socializing, but in small doses and in certain circumstances or else I get fatigued and, therefore, quiet. After socializing I need a good day or two to recover, too. Again, I was overcoming with self-consciousness which hindered the social side for a decade but I seem to have rediscovered it.

- I tanked the exams during the first half of the novena, the ones I studied the hardest for. When I stopped stressing over them, started taking better care of myself (by slowing down and resting more often), I actually did better on them. In fact, I did better on my final exams than I did on all the other exams... and most were comprehensive final exams.

- The people-pleaser side of me seemed to have finally gotten a clue and I've been thinking less about how people would react to my thoughts and words. That's not to say that I don't think about wording certain things more carefully so I don't offend or hurt other people, but I've certainly stopped caring about what they think about me personally. The (seemingly) controversial post on mental and emotional purity is an example of that.

- I had a number of things pop up (i.e. having to repeat a course due to a classmate's plagiarism - which affected my grade, having a temporary financial aid suspension, etc.) which would've normally sent me on an anxious doom spiral but which didn't affect me as much during the novena. I'm sure that it goes back to my resolve to trust God completely and let go of my stubbornness in favor of doing His will. Once I started doing these two things, my world completely changed for the better.

- The St. Andrew Christmas novena -- which began during the second half of the Rosary novena -- included the intention of detaching myself from everything that was harmful to my soul... which included a lot of things that I'm (still) very attached to and will take a lot of work to overcome. I knew what it meant giving up and yet I still prayed for it. I had no idea where the idea came from and was surprised when the words first came out of my mouth on the first day but it was something I continued to pray for from St. Andrew's feast day through Christmas Eve.

You want to know the best part of all of these things? None of them were intentions of the Rosary novena. I won't say what the intentions were (half of them weren't even intentions for me, personally) but they were not any of the things I described. Yet, they all make sense in one way or another. I feel like God prepared me for my specific intentions by allowing me to go through everything I went through during the novena. It's all helped me begin journeying down a road that will lead me closer to Him and doing His will, which is, ultimately, all I could ask for.

I don't know if or when my specific intentions will be answered -- especially the life-changing ones -- but I've already learned to be more proactive, more optimistic (I can hear some of you going "oh nooo... not more!" lol), and completely trust God. My outlook on life is different. I'm really excited about all the changes that came from the novena and I hope that they continue to produce more fruit as the time goes by. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I know some people are hesitant to start one. Yes, things that could go wrong went wrong. Yes, obstacles will come at you from different sides. Yes, you can have terrible "luck" but the outcomes far outweigh whatever crumbs come your way. :)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of books (some of which were Christmas gifts) to lose myself in while I still have the time to do so. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What Self-Care Looks Like (July 2016)

I know I've written about self-care before (and more than once) but I thought I'd give y'all an update on how that's going to keep myself accountable to what is and isn't working.

What is Working

• Learning more about introversion and being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I've been reading a couple of books on introversion (most notably Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain and The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World by Michaela Chung) as well as some articles on HSP that have helped embrace who I am and what works for me. Quiet has helped me understand what introversion is and what it isn't while The Irresistible Introvert (which is more like a memoir with tips on what's worked for the author) has given me ideas on how to best manage stressful (to introverts) situations. So far the latter has been highlighted, annotated, and been the most useful to me since I learn best from personal experiences. My anxiety and stress levels are at an all-time low thanks to the new techniques (as well as some I've picked up from implementing some mindfulness into my everyday routines).
• Embracing change. There have been a lot of changes lately (you can go back to last month's blog posts to see some example) and I've been able to accept them because I think I've finally learned to let go and let God guide me. Change doesn't make me uncomfortable but not knowing what's going to happen in the future has been a trigger for my anxiety attacks in the past. Now? I'm trusting God and am letting things come as they may without any long term plans in place. I have goals but no concrete plans as to how it'll happen. I'm re-learning to be more flexible which is something I was actually good at before the PTSD became a part of my life. I've also made some much needed changes in how I do things. For example, after reading both The Irresistible Introvert and an article on how multitasking actually depletes your mental energy, I've tried to do one thing at a time instead of trying to do several things at once. Right now I'm blogging without any music or the TV on in the background; I'm focused on this one single thing. While this is a small change for me, it's really helped my energy levels and mental sharpness.
• Taking screen-free breaks. As I've mentioned before, I've noticed how much better I feel and how much more (mentally and physically) energized I am when I'm not glued to a screen. I've taken a couple of screen-free breaks throughout the week. I let my friends (with whom I communicate the most often on social media and/or text) know ahead of time so they don't think I'm ignoring them. It's done wonders for my mental health; I can't recommend it enough.
• Drinking more water. Alright, 'fess up... who else has trouble drinking the recommended amount of water? After my bladder/kidney infection in late June-early July, I've been making an effort to drink more water. I try to aim for at least six 8 oz glasses per day and most days I'm able to reach that goal. Sometimes I fail on the six glasses but I do drink more than 16 oz of chamomile tea (for heartburn) or eat watermelon fruit bars (like popsicles but made out of actual fruit) so that helps keep me a little more hydrated. Added bonus: if I start off my day with at least 8-16 oz of water, I have a bit more energy during the day.
• Taking guilty pleasure breaks. If I feel myself getting stressed what do I do? Take a "guilty pleasure break." "What's that?" you may ask. It means that I'll do something that I enjoy for at least half an hour per day. It could be reading a book or watching a TV show that I'd be slightly embarrassed to admit that I read or watch but that makes me happy. If you're curious, let's just say it's usually aimed at a teen audience. Shh! lol.

What Isn't Working

• Not getting enough sleep. I've been averaging 4-6 hours most nights in the past couple of weeks. At first it was because the fever and infection weren't letting me sleep. Then the maintenance guys were here almost every day for about three straight weeks, not allowing me to sleep. Now it's just become a bad habit that I need to break before classes begin at the end of this month. This means sacrificing certain activities (such as reading one more chapter of a book or watching one more episode of a show I'm hooked on) but it'll be worth it for my health. I try to aim for 6-7.5 hours because I've noticed that that is what works best for me and my mental sharpness.
• Not listening to what food my body craves. I won't sugar coat it -- I've been eating lousy (yet delicious) food lately. My diet has consisted of a lot of fast, greasy foods which is why my heartburn has been terrible lately. When I see certain foods, my (literal) gut reaction is "ugh, no more" but sometimes it's all that's available so I eat it... and then suffer the consequences. I've also not eaten at times because we run out of food and I can't get to a grocery store because it's too hot outside (and I had no working a/c in my car for most of the summer thus far). With my stomach as sensitive as it has been lately, I'm going to make a list of which fruits and vegetables work (in terms of the acidity my stomach can handle and which foods I'm not allergic to) so I can incorporate more of them into my diet.
  
• Not attending confession or Mass for the past 5 weeks. Yes, I know, that's a mortal sin. I have my excuses but it still doesn't feel right. Not only that but not going to confession has had the unfortunate consequence of bad habits popping up again. Since I'm no longer sick like I was early last month, the Sand Fire is no longer an issue (we were advised to stay home because of the air quality being poor and our parish is only a couple of miles from where it was), and since the heat wave we had (which peaked at around 115 degrees or so and left me indoors for 2 straight weeks) is over, I no longer have any excuses. This past weekend was the first on which we could attend Mass without the lack of a/c being a factor (since it was fixed) but both my mom and I didn't feel well enough to attend Mass (she had painful arthritis that not even painkillers helped with and I had a stomach issue which seems to have peaked yesterday). I was kind of miffed that I couldn't attend this weekend after waiting for so long but I'm going to make sure I eat healthier so I don't have a repeat of this weekend. You guys don't know how much I've been wanting to go to both confession and Mass. We've even tried (and failed) to go during the week. It's a yearning at this point. I'm determined to make things right this weekend. Prayers that we're able to go to both, please?

Anyone (that I know offline) want to keep me accountable for any of the three things that I need to work in this month? I give you my permission to get on my case if needed. I'm serious.

That's it for now. I have the house to myself for only 2 more hours so I want to enjoy the silence and the slow pace while I still can. I love my mom but living with an uber-extroverted personality isn't easy when you're an introvert. I need to recharge my energy battery while I still can. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

10 Boring Facts About Me

I don't do these often but I needed something fun to write today so... thank you, Mary, for tagging/nominating me for this Sunshine Award. The instructions are easy: write 10 pieces of information about yourself. 

LIFE

1. I don't "have a life", okay? lol. My day pretty much consists of (in order):
- getting up at 4:30 a.m.
- dropping mom off at work
- coming home and taking a nap
- getting up from nap
- morning prayers
- having breakfast
- getting ready to go out
- going to do at least 20 minutes of silent prayer in front of the tabernacle
- either errands, cleaning the house, or volunteer work
- picking up mom from work
- coming home for lunch
- spending some time online
- working on novels (or work)
- having dinner
- spending more time writing or editing
- catching up with friends
- nightly prayers
- reading before bed
- bedtime

I will occasionally deviate from that schedule and hang out with friends, or have movie night with Julie, or do something else but that's pretty much what a typical day looks like for me right now. I'm sure things will change once I return to school in May.

2. I'm very much a morning person... and it annoys grumpy morning people. lol. I've been told I need to bottle the energy I have. I may be smiley and I may sing and dance along to music at 4-5 a.m. but come 2-3 p.m., I am wanting a nap. I don't pick up my second wind until about 7 p.m., which is why y'all see me most active online in the mornings and evenings/nights. :)

3. Too much social interaction drains me. Whether it's in person or online, after a while of social interaction I start feeling fatigued. I know it's one of  the downsides of being an introvert. That's why I took a break from Twitter yesterday; I was feeling completely drained at around 6-7 p.m. I love y'all but, seriously, getting bombarded by a ton of messages by so many people at once is a little overwhelming for me. No worries; I took an extra long nap today so I'm ready for y'all today.

LOVE

4. I don't talk about my love life on this blog. Or on Twitter. That comment about Twitter being one big flirt-fest today was my way of saying "please leave me out of it." You little rascals will not suck me into it.

5. My private life is private. I'm sorry but it's one of those off-limits topics. How about we talk about my inability to go a day without music... or about Catholicism and soccer... or how my love of Adoration is becoming an "addiction"? Those topics are so much more interesting.

6. Yes, I felt the need to use up these spaces to get this point across. When I touch on the topic, y'all know it's vague or I share it because it's one of those "I don't see this particular thing discussed in Catholic blogs and it needs to be addressed" things.

7. My massive crush on Tom Hiddleston is all you'll ever get out of me. Just putting it out there in case he ever stumbles across this. Call me. We'll have tea and read Shakespeare together. lol.

WORK

8. I am still freelance writing, but only for H&R Block and Catholic publications. The other companies were terrible so any freelance work y'all see from me will now either be for either of the two I mentioned. I learned, the hard way, that being promised to get paid and actually getting paid for your hard work are two completely different things.

9. I am still working on my novels, which are set to be published this year. The novel sequel ending was just finished yesterday but I still have to flesh out the story a bit more since I only wrote the basics during NaNoWriMo. I'm at 184 pages for the sequel at 237 for the first one. We'll see where they stand after all the editing.

10. I cannot wait until I begin my work as a speech therapist. I get along well with children (because I am a kid at heart) and older adults so I am looking forward to working with both age groups. I have to clock in some hours prior to my graduation next May (2015) and I'm just too excited to get started. This will mean less of a life (haha, what life?!) but I don't mind. :D

And that's it. A little on the boring side but now y'all know some things you didn't know about me. ;)

Anyway, I hope y'all have a great rest of week. As always, thanks for reading God bless! :D

I'm Sick; Hi! Nice to Meet You!

I am currently sitting in bed, eating homemade chicken soup, trying to rest because I caught my mom's bug. Fun! I'm pretty sure it's a cold which I prefer over the flu. That, by the by, is why I did not post anything yesterday. I was able to finish cleaning the house and doing everything that needed to be done so I could rest this weekend. I have armed myself with books, movies, Spotify playlists, and Hulu so that I won't get bored. 

One of my best friends is currently reading the first half of my novel (we're in full-on beta reader mode) so I am waiting to get feedback before I continue editing that. To be quite honest, I just want to rest and do nothing after months of reading and writing. I'm sure it'll last a day or two before I do something productive again as I hate to waste time. :)

While doing my daily 'net rounds (checking everything I need to check; i.e. emails, Facebook, twitter, etc.) I noticed that one of my favorite YouTubers, Mr. Charlieissocoollike himself, uploaded a video in which he has, once again, said something that made me think: "Why haven't I posted a blog about this?!" Having already met a number of you lovely readers offline, whether it was planned or not, I decided to give everyone else a heads up in case we ever meet.

I've mentioned on more than one occasion that I'm quite shy in person but I don't think some of you realize just how much. I clam up. I'm friendly but I'm not much of a talker... at first. I'm definitely an introvert though you may not think it because I'm so active online. That's because most of us who are introverts and shy in person are the biggest "talkers" online.

This blog has actually helped me meet a lot of great people. There have been a couple of times that people have stumbled onto this blog, figured out who I am, and have come up and said "hello." I've had it happen before, right before Mass, which is pretty cool. It's always interesting and a bit shocking because I still feel like it's just me writing and my friends reading to keep tabs on me, especially those who've moved away. I'm a massive goofball as soon as I've known you long enough to feel comfortable but I'm a wreck at first. lol. 

If I am not too talkative at first, don't think it's me being rude or conceited. It's basically me thinking "please, don't say something embarrassing" to myself. lol. If I'm not comfortable with a topic or I don't feel prepared enough to speak on it, I will say little to nothing while the conversation is on said topic. I will smile and agree if I do but that's it. Again, I may stutter or mumble but I'm getting better at not doing that. Let's see... what else? I'm very smiley so if you don't like that, I'm sorry. lol. Like I've said, after I get very comfortable with someone, the nerd/goofball flag flies proudly... just ask the talented Miss Danica whom I first met online years ago and is now one of my best friends / partners in crime.  

I look forward to meeting more of you in person, hopefully at events like the Catholic New Media Conference. I won't be attending this year because money is tight and, since I'm currently unemployed, I have to save the little money I do have because I don't know how for how long I will be unemployed and I do help with bills and groceries. Next year, though, I hope to be there and meeting y'all. :D

Anyway, I'm going to rest and try to eat while I wait for the UEFA Champions League final to start. Yes, I'm still a massive football (soccer) fan... and you will see some of that soon. ;) And, yes, that is a hint.

I hope you all have a great weekend! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!