Monday, August 31, 2009

Fighting Vocation Rethought; Music Monday

I cannot get the vocation rethought out of my head today. It's actually taking a bit of time that I should be using to get homework done. Yes, we've already got assigned tasks on the first day of classes. As my Philosophy professor said this morning, "Welcome to college!" lol. Anyway, I'm even more confused than ever on what I should do and it's starting to take a toll on me, spiritually.

I once again feel, deep down, like I'm meant for the married vocation but I still have that nagging feeling like maybe not. It's doing quite a number in my head. I've had a number of people who know me tell me they think I've make a good wife and mother (and a couple of those people are guy friends of mine), especially since I've already ruled out the religious vocation which some people felt I should've "done." Unfortunately, we don't get to decide these things. If I had it my way, I would be a wife and mother in a couple of years, after I finished college and established my career. If a couple of my "trad" Catholic friends had their way, I'd be a religious sister/nun (you guys know who you are). If you had a chance to peek into my mind, you wouldn't make sense of ANYTHING in there at the moment. I'm stressed about school already (thank the lack of financial aid for that), I'm still getting over my "anger"/frustration that accompanies the mourning process, etc. As reluctant as I am to admit this... I acknowledge that I'm still getting over all the disappointment, and a bit of anger, I recently felt due to things that were uncovered about a person whom I deeply loved. Even thinking about it makes me tear up, that's how fresh it still is. All of these things make me sometimes wonder if the thoughts about the single vocation aren't just an "attractive" option because of everything I've recently gone through. Honestly, even when I thought about the religious life, I always felt like I was meant to be married. I sobbed endlessly when my father's death hit me because of thought that I wouldn't have him to walk me down the aisle if/when my wedding day arrived.

I've thought about the single vocation, and I honestly don't know if I would be able to handle it. Though I'm fiercely independent (I actually enjoy working for my own money and paying for my things with my hard earned money) and could probably survive on my own, there's something that... I don't know... makes me cringe and uncomfortable about it. I'm not saying it's horrible and that I pity those who are meant for that vocation; I just don't know if it's for me. Again, it's not up to me, I've already told God that if it's my vocation, I won't fight it as much as I'd probably want to. And do I want to. Right now I want to cry and fight the feeling that I'm meant for this vocation... and I don't know if it because it's in my very nature to "rebel" against what I feel I'm being forced to do because it's my meant vocation or because, even though I'm not meant for it, I feel like I would be force to choose this to spare my mother's feelings. Again, I never felt this way until my mom kept bringing up marriage often followed by "I don't know what I'd do on my own." Yes, I had single vocation thoughts before all of this, but I never gave me second thoughts. I was so sure of my vocation until recently. Ugh! I'm sounding like a broken record, aren't I?

What I hate more about this is that it's causing me to lose my prayer life. I don't know where it's coming from. I just don't want to pray though I still do and fight against this apathetic, yet rebellious, feeling. It could be that I don't want this vocation so badly that I don't want my prayers answered or it could be the enemy putting all these thoughts into my head and thus making me a nutty nerd. It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly. If I ever needed St. Therese of Lisieux's intercession and one of her roses, it's now... or very soon; before I go absolutely batty. If y'all could please pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I think I'm going to go pray for a little while, after I finish a couple of quick things for my online/distance-education courses which start today. I want to get all the things that have deadlines before I can focus on my own internal struggle.

Oh, and since this is the first Music Monday, in a while, that I've posted anything... here's this week's song. I've mentioned Celtic Thunder a lot recently so I thought that one of the songs by a member of the group was appropriate. I've chosen the cover of "Castles in the Air" sung by C.T.'s Keith Harkin. (P.S. Celtic Thunder is made of 5 vocalists who do their own songs as well as group songs.) I think it's a beautiful rendition of the song and is currently my favorite song.

Okay, I'm off to tackle Biological Psychology and Interpersonal Communication before prayers and a quick nap (in that order). I hope everyone that returned to school today had a great day (better than mine; long story, lol)... and that those who went to school near the fires are/were safe! May St. Florian keep all the firefighters safe during this difficult time (and crazy heatwave).

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)


Claire Christina said...

Oh, Emmy! Don't let such unease get in your way. We're young; we're usually not supposed to know what Our Lord has in store for us! We can plan on getting married, and if that's not what He has in mind, He'll change our hearts (if we let Him) and before we know it we'll be content enough to be single. Or else we'll have a beautiful sacrifice to offer to Him for the rest of our lives for whoever needs it most. Stress does not come from Him, however. Uneasiness does sometimes, but never anxiety. Just trust in Him today and don't try to figure out the future. In short: good call on the prayer. Keep it up; He will be faithful to you. :)

Miss C.N.W. said...

Thanks, Claire. I know what you mean... and actually... check your Facebook inbox. I'm about to send you a message. Tell me what you think.

Regina Heater said...

I know I only know you from Twitter and your blog, but I think of you often, and am praying for you. This is what I think: the discernment process for religious orders is made expressly so that you can contemplate, little by little, whether you are called to the religious life. They guide you along the way, and every step give you the chance to say 'yes, i believe God is calling me to this" or 'no'. It's not a decision you make today and it's final. You've mentioned that you like the Carmelites. Contact them and tell them exactly what you've written. Chances are, they will invite you to meet them, pray with them, get to know them. My Dominican vocation director invited me to St. Dominic's Day celebration, and then said "What did you think? Would you like to spend more time with us?" And so now I am going to have dinner with the sisters in different area convents, and attend some of their public prayer services. I don't know if I'm called to life as a sister, but I know that the Dominican charism is... 'attractive' to me, and draws me in. So I am checking it out. Doesn't stop me from wondering if I'll ever get married again. Perhaps the journey - the discernment process - is what you need right now. It's a process, after all! I know I felt tremendous relief just contacting the local Dominicans to say "hey, this is what's in my heart and mind, can you help me?" Anyway, hope that helps you a little, and I will continue to keep you in prayer. love, @reckshow

Katarina Mac said...

You inspired me to start my own blog ( so thank you! I was a bit shy about talking about my religion but you helped show me how important it is to share the Catholic experience.

You're right about the freedom you have at this point in your life. This is a time of discovery for you, where you learn what you like to do most. Enjoy that!

You also seem like a very courageous person to me, one who isn't afraid to take chances and ask questions. Some of your professors won't like that and some will love it. Trust me, the good teachers love questions!

I don't know if you are going to community college or not but that's where I found some of my best teachers. I did graduate from a four-year eventually but I'm a big fan of community college. The teachers I met there were much more likely to have time for the students. Sorry if this is off-topic:) Hope you are having a great week!

Miss C.N.W. said...

Regina - Thank you so much for your prayers!

As for the discernment process, I've spent years doing it; praying about it and doing what I believe God wants me to do. I've also talked to my spiritual adviser for years. He actually helped me realized that I wasn't cut out for the religious life, though I actually really wanted to be a sister/nun. It's not like I'm doing this all on a whim and/or trying to "get it over with" so that I could just focus on the future and not the present. It was this little curve ball that temporarily threw me off course. Thankfully, it was just temporary and I'm back to where I was before. There are some people who know their vocations much earlier than others, i.e. St. Therese of Lisieux. The process is completely different for everyone. There isn't a set of rules that says you must go through it for a specific amount of years and/or have to go through specific experiences. I'll write a blog about this next. Thanks for inspiring the topic.

Miss C.N.W. said...

Katarina - Wow. I'm honored! Thank you for your kind words. :D I do not, whatsoever, feel like a courageous person but I do agree that I do not mind speaking on my faith; it's that important to me.

I am actually at a community college. Well, more than one. lol. With the state of California's economy and college/uni budget cuts, it's the best choice for me.

Good luck on your blog!