The Perfect Storm That Did Me In

Take one burnt-out writer constantly battling writer's block, add lack of vitamin D (and add a couple of cold winter storms for good measure), then add a giant helping of people being a little too dramatic and suffocating on social media. Mix it all together and you get someone who is so overwhelmed, she has to take nearly a month to recover... and she's not fully there yet.

Yes, this is what happened to me. No, I have not fully recovered from the burnout, yet.

It's not easy being a freelance writer, especially when you have to come up with new material every two to three days. I've felt burnt out since late December when I had one of my busiest months. It's still taking me a lot of brainstorming to come up with new article topics -- and then more time to research for each post -- but I'm slowly coming out of the writer's block fog that I've been battling for weeks.

As some of you long-time readers may remember, I was diagnosed with a severe vitamin-D deficiency mid-summer last year. That was the reason why I was so tired all the time. After getting outdoors and getting more sun, I started to recover. I wasn't oversleeping anymore. All the little symptoms associated with the deficiency started going away. I was feeling more like myself... and then the lack of sun knocked me back down.

For years I'd noticed that every winter I'd get more and more fatigued. I had simply assumed it was the cold weather lulling me to sleep. It was as if I were a bear and my body just wanted to hibernate all winter long. That or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Now, with the diagnosis, I finally know why; my body just needs more of the vitamin than it gets.

We've been hit with rainstorm after rainstorm in Southern California since the New Year so guess who's been feeling more lethargic lately. Yep. Symptoms include fatigue, lack of concentration, and mental fog -- all which impeded my creativity and impacted my work. Cue the "Ohhh!" chorus.

The doctors said it was going to take a couple of months for me to recover from the deficiency and, unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to fully recover. Thankfully, it's nowhere near as bad as it was last year or the year before. If I know there will be a couple of hours or a day between rainstorms, I get out and I soak up as much vitamin-D as I can before the next storm hits. It's helped a lot... but the storms are getting more frequent and lasting longer so I'm dealing with some symptoms again. Can Spring (my favorite season) hurry up and get here already? Please and thank you!

Last, but not least, I was feeling overwhelmed with social media. I was already feeling physically tired but the drama on social media pushed me beyond my limits. I honestly felt like crying every time I logged in to an account and saw the notifications along with how many messages I had to attend to.

The content of the messages wasn't helping. That's not to say all messages were bad; they weren't. There was just so much bickering, so many complaints, so much gossip and badmouthing and other things that just drained me outweighing the good. It got so bad that I even had to ask my closest friends to give me a breather; no texts or messages on any kind. I needed a full-on technology break. It didn't last long -- just 2-3 days because of work -- but you'd be surprised at how much those screen-detox days helped.

During those days, I would completely shut down my phone. I wouldn't touch my laptop. If I had work to do (and I always do), I'd write down the bulk of what I was going to submit. If it was a deadline day, I'd only get on my laptop long enough to write it out and send it to my editors. Sure, it meant "wasting" more time writing and rewriting but it was worth my sanity staying intact.

That is why it took me nearly a month (3 more days to a full month) to write another blog post. That is why so many tweets and messages went (and have still gone) unanswered.

I'm going to be honest with y'all (and I hope this is a gentle reminder to those who've known me for years): I hate drama of all types. I hate gossip. I absolutely loathe people who message me solely to badmouth someone else. It drains me. Yes, we all need to vent and get stuff out of our systems, but this sort of things emotionally drains me. In person, I usually change the topic as soon as someone starts down this path but it's somehow more difficult through technological means.

What's worse was that I hadn't noticed how this was affecting how I interacted with people until I hit that wall. It was like I would absorb people's negativity, ruining my day and getting me in super cranky mood as a result of it. I was a lot more impatient with everyone, including myself. I would find myself complaining more, which I dislike intensely. I hated the way it had altered the way I thought and acted. Sure, you can say that it was just the perfect storm that did me in and that it was no wonder I was acting the way I was but, really, I don't want that to be an excuse. I should've known better.

A little over two and a half weeks ago, I attended a silent retreat at my parish and it was sheer bliss. I shut off my phone. I listened to the talks and took a copious amount of notes which I still re-read; the talks were so good! I only had to worry about writing down all the excellent content while the priest gave the talks and then focus on prayer during Mass, adoration, and the recitation of the Rosary by all the women (it was an all women's retreat) that attended the retreat.

The retreat and the overload of information from social media inspired me to make some changes in my life; changes I've already begun rolling out in small doses and will fully implement during the Lenten season. Just what they are... well, you'll have to stay tuned for the next blog post since I don't want to make this one longer than it already is.

I want to wrap up this blog post by saying that even though all of this pushed me beyond my limits, I'm grateful for it. It helped remind me that there are things more important things -- such as health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual -- that need to be taken care of. Self-care isn't selfish and if one needs to do take a couple of days (or a couple of hours) just to sit in silence to recharge, that's perfectly fine.

I'm grateful that God reminded me to take an inventory of my priorities and challenged me to make some hard (but important) decisions in order to place my priorities in the right order.

I'm grateful to have been reminded of who I am and who I'm not; of what I value and what makes me uncomfortable. It may not suit others but that's okay. I need to do what is right for me... as long as it doesn't cause any harm or trouble for anyone else.

I'm grateful to have a new plan (well, plans; one for each situation) of action to help me recover from the burnout. As I said, I'll share these in the next blog post.

I thank God for the gift of my routine prayer life that helped keep me sane. I would retreat to a quiet spot in my apartment to pray the Liturgy of the Hours (every 3 hours while I was awake) and/or the Rosary, bringing a much-needed peaceful respite during an otherwise chaotic day.

If you feel burnt out, find out why and do what you need to do. Forget about the FOMO; it's not worth putting your health at risk.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of "Fantaisie-impromptu in C-Sharp Minor, Op. 66" by Frederic Chopin before I have to go to do something else.

I hope y'all have had a lovely week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

2018: Resolutions and Possible Holy Spirit Mic Drop

Happy New Year and feast of the Most Holy Name of Jesus, everyone! :)

How was everyone's NYE/NYD celebrations? I hope it was grand for you all and that you started off the secular year on a positive note. Goodness knows many of us needed a good start after the crazy year that was 2017.

Do any of you have any resolutions for this year? Last year I didn't make any resolutions and I'm glad I didn't because God clearly had so many things in store for me that were going to rock me out of my little comfort zone. I realized that I had to let go of the things I no longer saw as important. I was challenged to grow up in more ways than one. I also joyfully surrendered will own will and plans to follow His... though that only came at the end of the year. However, this year I decided to make three resolutions/goals for myself.

Before I get into the resolutions, I wanted to share with year this sort of Holy Spirit mic drop moment when the following words came up during a discussion on fear and following God's will: "What if God allowed the Crosses in your life because it was the only way you could get relief from the demands of people who wish to make you do their will and not His?"

Mind. Blown. I hadn't thought about it that way but it makes sense. I needed to be uprooted out of what I was comfortable and felt safe in (academia and a very financially stable career path) in order to realize that I wasn't doing things for the right reasons... nor was I doing what I felt was right.

I've been open and honest about that on this blog. I was doing SLP more for the financial stability than for the love of it or the good that could come of it. I was good at working with children. I had the patience needed to work with them. I can actually still go forward and get my SLPA license if I wished to. But at what cost? The stress really did a number on me. Is it worth it? Not to me; no matter how pressured I may feel to continue.

My resolutions for this year are complementary to what I realized at the end of last year: I need to let go and let God take full control. When I say "full control" I mean full control. It doesn't mean I'm going to be passive and wait for things to fall into my lap but I am going to pursue what I feel called to do with the gifts God has given me.

My first resolution: get to Mass more often. As an answer to my prayers for the past 2 years, I will have my chosen parish community only a couple of minutes away from my house instead of a long drive/commute in a very populated/traffic-heavy area. I will be able to easily get to and from this church without having to worry about distance. Bonus: I already have shortcuts to get there since I'm in that general area quite often (again, since I live so close). I don't know who was happier about that news, my mother or I. I also don't know what made us happier: the fact that we're going to have easier access to daily Latin Mass or that we won't have to cringe when Mass begins to feel like a concert. (Mass snob over here, y'all).

My second resolution: to volunteer more. I already have ideas and places to do said volunteer work so we're good there. Also, I want to give to others. I felt like I was too selfish last year so I want to do what I can for others this year. Perhaps it'll even help me get out of my stressed out headspace as well.

My third resolution: to take better care of myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I need to get my eating and sleeping schedule on track but we're starting to get there in these early days of the year. I'm also already working on lowering my anxiety and stress levels by changing my outlook on life in general and how I react to things that stress and upset me. To make sure I'm on the right path in life (especially in both little v and big V vocations), I've reached out to a priest who I trust for spiritual direction.

What does 2018 have in store for me? I'm not sure. I hope it's somewhat similar to how I celebrated the beginning of the year: talking to a good friend (though online since we're on opposite coasts) about doing God's will, taking care of myself by resting in bed (I was drifting in and out of sleep between 9:35 pm and midnight), and not letting the outside noise (the ball drop, the TV, the superstitions) distract my attention from what was important. I remember getting up and consecrating my year to our Blessed Mother (which partially inspired this tweet about the lovely coincidence of it being her feast day at the same time we had a supermoon/full moon since she's the woman with the moon under her feet). Since I'll be celebrating my 33rd birthday (my "Jesus year") this upcoming May, it seems fitting that I focus more on my faith than the outside noise.

Those are my own goals and resolutions. I think (and hope) I'll be able to accomplish them. They may occasionally be challenging but what that is worthwhile isn't occasionally a little hard to achieve? What are some of your resolutions? How can I help you achieve your own goals and resolutions?

I hope you are all having a lovely start to the year! May your 2018 be one of your best years yet!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Thoughts on My Vocation

In recent months, my vocation has become clear to me... but I've been unable to live it out for obvious reasons. Before I get deeper into this topic, let me just share with y'all how all of this happened.

For months (since the last 54-day Rosary novena during Advent 2016), I've been praying that God shows me what I need to work on to prepare myself for my future vocation of wife and mother. It hasn't been "send me a man!" or "take this loneliness away!" It's been "please help me see what I need to work on before a husband and family comes my way." I knew that there were certain things that I needed to work on but what I didn't anticipate was just intense it would all get before I started making any real progress.

Looking back at everything I've had to deal with since January -- everything that has tested my faith and produced a profound spiritual dryness in me -- I see that it all makes sense. I was inspired to ask God (during the St. Andrew novena; I did two novenas simultaneously) to help me get rid of my attachment to earthly things that would be problematic for me and my vocation. One of them turned out to be something that I hadn't faced since I reverted to the faith; something that I believed was no longer a danger but which proved to be something I was still very much attached to. It involved the career path I was on prior to my reversion and a terrible nostalgia for things that were once harmful to me.

I dealt with these things until last month into this month. My eyes were opened and I began to work to detach myself from these things... but it has not been easy because of the emotional attachments to a certain group of people that have been a big part of my life in the past year. This is still something I'm working on -- which has been especially hard on social media since we're all active on these various platforms -- but God is slowly working in helping me get past this.

At the same time that all of this is happening, I came to realize one big thing that is going to be problematic in another way: I feel as if I may be called to be a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) in the future. This is a problem for two reasons. First, I can't know that for sure until I discern marriage with someone, get married, have a family, and then see if we can afford for me to be a SAHM. Second, there is so much opposition to that train of thought... including in my own (current) home.

My mother has always worked hard for everything her entire life -- especially after my dad had a work-related knee injury that ended up in a botched operation that left him disabled for the rest of his life. To her, you need to work. Since I was a little girl, she's drilled into me that I need to have my own career and a job in case I marry some guy who will end up dumping me and abandoning our children. That's all I've heard from her and other people (including my godmother) since I can remember. Can you see how terrible cynical and jaded this point of view is? I mean, I get where they're coming from but I also feel like I've been pressured into just thinking about a career and being an independent woman even if I don't feel called to it.

And, I don't. I don't feel called to have a long term career. I don't feel called to put a career and work ahead of my family. I've never felt that way... but I have felt pressured into adopting that attitude or else I will be an immense disappointment to those who've drilled this idea into my head. All of this has become even more obvious in recent months when I discerned my career path and God made it clear that what I'm doing now is enough for what He has in store for me.

I don't feel like I'm called to go to grad school for any particular career path, burdening myself with more student debt. Instead, I feel called to continue down the path (that became clear to me in late May) until He calls me to do something else. It feels temporary but also something that will prepare me for whatever happens in the future.

My plans/goals for the near future are to work to pay off my student loans and to work on my relationship with God while I wait. Since I made these decisions, everything has been falling into place -- my health issues, my career and vocation confusion, etc. I can see myself going forward in a way I haven't since I graduated from college many moons ago. These plans are (currently) short-term because, as I said, I feel like He has something else in store for me. Whether that means a husband and family or a different career path, I don't know but I can't see myself doing this for more than 2-3 years. I think I will be able to pay off most (if not) all of my student loans during that time which is pretty exciting for me.

I do have my moments of impatience because I feel like He's finally shown me what He wants me to do and what my future vocation is... but I can't live it out just yet. The biological clock has started to tick (I just turned 32 in late May) and sometimes I think that maybe I discerned wrong... but then I remember the peace I feel when I think about the immediate plans that have been revealed to me through prayer and saintly intercessions.

I feel like I can't relate to many of my fellow single 30+ year-olds because I mostly hear rants about being single and, while I do have moments of impatience and loneliness, I don't feel the same way they do. It took a long time but I feel peace thinking about the waiting period because I know God is going to make me into a better version of myself in that time. Not only that, I know He's going to make sure that He is number one in my life and that nothing will replace Him. I need this time to make sure I'm spiritually mature enough to deal with the earthly highs and joy without forgetting that He is the center of my life and the only one Who can fill that emptiness and hole in my heart.

I've never been bitter about being one of the last of my friends to marry and/or have children. I don't hate Valentine's Day. I'm not a fan of PDA only because I feel like it's an intrusion of privacy that only a couple should experience. I don't do a lot of things that many of my fellow single ladies (understandably) do because God has helped me see things differently. I think that entrusting my heart to the Immaculate Heart of Mary is the big reason why I'm able to look at the big picture and remember His plans instead of succumbing to melancholic feelings about my vocation.

If you're reading this and you feel differently, that's fine. This post isn't me saying that my way of thinking and looking at things is correct and yours isn't; I'm just sharing what's been happening with me in terms of my vocation lately. Not everyone is going to agree with what I said. Some people will have problems because we think differently and you may feel personally attacked but it wasn't my intention. I'm not attacking anyone; I'm just sharing why I can't relate to some of you... who, obviously, won't be able to relate to some if not all of this post. God has us all on different paths (all, hopefully, destined to the same end: Heaven) but we can all still pray for each other because we can all agree that being unable to live our vocations -- when we so desperately want to -- isn't always the easiest thing.

That's where I am in terms of my vocation discernment at the moment. I gave myself a self-imposed dating break to focus on rebuilding my relationship with God but only He knows how long that will last. All I know is that I will continue to my work on my goal to pay off my student loans, to work on my relationship with Him, and let everything else came as God wills it. No rush. No timetable. Just doing what I feel He wants me to do.

And that's it for now. It's still pretty warm outside and I'm not feeling that great (may be something I ate) so I'm going to go watch a movie and take it easy. :)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

P.S. Don't forget to join the Frassati Prayer Community in case you have any prayer requests you'd like us to add to our prayers. :D

Not a "Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200" Situation

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm officially done with my SLP program. No, this doesn't mean I'm graduating. It's complicated but not a "do not pass go; do not collect $200" situation. I'll try my best to explain. Cue "Done" by The Band Perry playing in the background.

Long story short: the program requires that I earn a B- or greater in my courses before I can move on. I will be stuck with a C+ (after failing my final exam last night; I needed an 80% to pass the class) for one course (B in the other) and thus I'm done. I can repeat the course for the third time like some of my other classmates will be doing but I've chosen not to for two big reasons. (side note: there is a lot of griping and speculation amongst those in the program about the changes that have been and will be implemented this summer. Let's just say that there are apparently many courses being repeated 2-3 times before a student can move on and/or graduate and this wasn't an issue when I began the program three years ago.)

First, I don't want to add to my student debt. I'm about $40-45k in debt for one completed Bachelor's, another nearly completed Bachelor's, and one year of a Master's degree. I'm almost done paying off the loans from my first BA (yay!) but I still need to pay off the rest and it's going to be a little hard because I haven't been able to work. As you guys know, I've been sick for a while and I've spent a lot of time at home, in bed or just sitting as much as I can, and I haven't been able to physically do much which rules out a lot of potential jobs. I've been wanting to work for a long time now because I hate debt. My parents taught me not to use credit cards or get myself something that I can't pay off right away but my education was always sort of the exception. The longer I go without a job, the more money I'll owe (especially with the interest rates from the graduate loans; holy cow!). Mom and I are in a good place, financially, right now but we don't know how much longer she'll be able to work because she's physically slowing down and we literally cannot afford for me to keep going in school without a job. I can't do both; I've tried and it's affected my health so it's not an option.

Second, and most importantly, I haven't felt called to continue down this SLP path for several weeks/months. In fact, I broke down and cried all afternoon, evening, and about 11:30 p.m. on Friday because I hated that I felt stuck doing this (due to responsibilities). Yes, I actually cried (on and off) for about 8 hours. It was bad but it was also good because it made me realize that I was doing something that I don't feel God is calling me to do because I was trying to please others and trying to take matters into my own hands.

It was during that emotionally taxing time that I had this beautiful yet painful revelation that I was crying because I knew I wasn't doing what I feel God is calling me to do. I do trust Him to lead me down the path He wants me to take, but I was still letting others (including the most important person in my life) influence what I was doing and then making an excuse that God would still provide because I was sacrificing a lot for the good of another. That was the whole reason why I kept going down this path; because I wanted others to benefit from what I was doing even though I knew, deep down, that this wasn't what I was meant to be doing and even though I was utterly miserable doing it. If you know me, you know this isn't new for me... and that it's something I feel God has been wanting me to address for a long time.

Over the last couple of days, I've been gaining a little more of the clarity that I've been praying for. I've realized that I need to, first and foremost, take a little break (perhaps the first half of the month of May) to take care of myself and my health. It's something that I've been working on (and have been seeing good results in recent days) but I feel like I need a little bit of time to fully immerse myself in prayer, fasting (in ways others than food), and recollection while I physically take care of myself. This also means more Mass (daily, if I can), more time in silence, and less outside noise. Also, more sleep (you should see the bags under my eyes right now), a healthier diet (I've been slipping in this area lately), and giving my mind a break from all the memorization craziness from the past 8 months.

Following this little break of maybe a week or two, I plan on writing full-time until I can find a job that I can do at home or one that allows me to be seated for the majority of it... at least while I continue to get healthier and recover from the health issues I've had lately. I do have a ghostwriting assignment (a memoir) that's been in the works for months that I can now fully devote myself and my time to. It's not too mentally taxing but it's enough of a challenge that will keep my mind occupied, which I like. I was wondering why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life lately (especially since Lent) and I think this might be why. We'll see. ;)

I don't feel disappointed in this new development. It's weird but I felt elated when I saw the 52% exam grade last night. I felt relief... joy... a lot of excitement... and peace. I think I actually said "oh, good. Now I can do Your will, God" out loud. lol. I now have the excuse (because, yes, in my weird little head I needed an excuse to get people off my back) to pursue whatever God is calling me to do. I'm so excited! I've been praying the 30-day (day 23 today) St. Joseph novena and I did another novena for St. Catherine of Siena's feast day for this particular intention and I guess I received my answer. I know people will be disappointed in me. I know some will think I'm lazy or that I'm a quitter. Frankly, my dears, I don't give a darn.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm just so excited that I can finally focus on finding out what God wants me to do, to actually do it, and not have that obstacle anymore. I don't have any more excuses not to and it's incredibly liberating and a little daunting because I have no idea what's in store. I used to have a major problem with (and get anxiety attacks from) not knowing what's ahead. I used to (and, okay, still do -- on a smaller scale) love to plan things out exactly how I wanted them to go. Thankfully, now I plan but I also recognize that plans don't always go the way you want them to and that's okay. I'm getting better at going with the flow which is something I used to do very well when I was younger but became a control issue when anxiety hit in my mid teens. God's plans are better than my own. Also, is it weird that this is somehow feels like it's connected to the 54-day Rosary novena I did last year?

I have no idea how I'm going to pay off my student loans. I've been keeping my eye out on jobs that I can do from home -- i.e. freelance writing, managing a brand's social media accounts, etc. -- for weeks now but nothing yet. I have no doubt that God will help provide at some point. I'm not going to stress out (even though at least one person in my life is freaking out over this). If God provides food and shelter for animals, surely He will help me find a way to pay for my loans and for the basic necessities of life. I'm not above doing menial jobs if that's what He wants to do. I would be perfectly happy cleaning a church or doing something that is seen as lowly if I knew it was what He wanted me to do. Sure, I will continue pursuing my longtime dream of being a writer but if another path becomes clear for me, I'll pursue that instead. You and me, God... let's do this!

Alright, I think that's long enough. lol. I don't know when I'll be able to blog again. I've been experiencing problems with my laptop this past week (I almost wasn't able to do my exam last night because of these problems) and I don't know when it'll finally bite the dust. I'm trying very hard not to read into the symbolism of this situation; I bought the laptop specifically to start the SLP program three years ago and now it started to break down completely as I'm finishing my last semester in this program. I've had problems with this laptop since day one. I even had to return the laptop 3 times because they were all faulty. I see what you did there, coincidences... ;)

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feverish Update

I'm currently sitting on my bed, trying to bring down my fever with cold, damp washcloths and cold tea. Cold tea isn't my favorite but I don't think my body would like hot liquids when I'm already warm. Since my stomach is sensitive and I can't take just any ol' fever reducer because some lower platelets, gotta exhaust the natural stuff first. Also, no doctor's appointments with my doctor until after August 30th. Seriously. I just called a few minutes ago. This is the second fever since Friday's fever but it's the first that's lasted more than 12 hours. Apparently there's a virus going around so I'm not too worried about it -- just gotta stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

I know some of you are wondering about what's happened since my last blog post. Since then, I've sought the advice of friends who know me well and one theme kept coming back: go down the SLP route. It wasn't until a good friend pointed out something to me that made me decide to return to this path. "Wait, didn't you discard those options before?" I had... again, until I realized one big major thing: I wasn't factoring in how it would affect my mom.

Mom has been super supportive of whatever I want to do. I think she might feel like I've sacrificed too much to help her and Dad (when he was still alive) which is why she's supported my Theology degree path. Yes, even though I've been warned about how little money there is in the field, she's been onboard. I just always figured God would help provide along the way. However, it became increasingly obvious over the weekend that mom isn't going to make it to 65, the retirement age she prefers. She's only about 3 years away from that but I don't see her lasting more than another year or two. After 40+ years of all the manual labor, her body just can't keep going. When she told me that she wanted to get another vacation break (after just having one earlier this month) in September and this time she wanted it to be 2 weeks instead of one because her body was exhausted, I knew I had only one choice: to take a little detour from Theology so that my mom can retire sooner than I can take care of this household with my own paycheck.

I'll admit, I was both disappointed and nervous about returning to the SLP field. Disappointed because I can see that my passion lies in Theology and it just felt like I was supposed to be on that path. Nervous because my anemia popped up during my first stint at Utah State. I lost all that weight and my cell lines were affected. That fear that the same would happen entered my mind and it wouldn't go. Then two things happened: St. Therese taught me a lesson AND a mistaken grade gave me a bit of confidence.

I remembered that St. Therese had to wait a couple of years to enter the Carmelites and how bitterly disappointed she was to have to wait. I'm not saying that her entering the Carmelites and my waiting to continue my Theology degree are comparable but it was a lovely reminder that sometimes we have to wait to do what we feel is God's will for us. She did eventually enter, just like I will (God willing) eventually return to finish the degree. I can offer up the disappointment in the meantime.

Also, it turns out my final grade for my final course at JP Catholic was slightly higher than I had anticipated. Still not high enough to keep my financial aid available (I ended up with 2.97 GPA) but It was completely unexpected but very timely. I actually managed to pull off a decent grade with the anemia that returned during the quarter as well as the lack of study time because the maintenance workers were in and out of the apartment, working on fixing the bathroom. (side note: nope, it's still not done, 8 months after they gutted it). I worked hard and I did it. Maybe I can do the same this second time around. I've finally found a study schedule that works for me and my doctor ordered some folic acid, iron, and vitamin C tablets to help with the anemia. (Thanks to all the blood work she had them do, she saw that my folate level is half of what it should be which is why I can't kick the anemia for long periods of time.)

I applied as a returning student to Utah State yesterday. I left in good standing from both that school and JP Catholic so nothing was going to keep me from having a clean record. I've also had my transcripts sent to Utah State from JP Catholic (even though it was a different subject and degree). Now all I have to do is wait... and pray.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. If it's God's will that I do Theology, I hope He doesn't mind the detour for a year or so to take care of financial matters for Mom and I. If I do get accepted to return, I'm only 8 courses short of my second Bachelor's degree and should be able to graduate early next May. After receiving my degree, I'll do 100 supervised hours at a local university (two courses which will be paid out of pocket... ouch) for 8-10 weeks and then I will be officially licensed to work as an SLPA in the state of CA.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. No longer aimless but just disappointed that I couldn't do my Theology degree first. As I said, not enough experience and/or requirements to work in the archdiocese just yet. :( I simply need to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I need to make for the good of this household... one that I hope to do with joy. I can't be selfish even though I sometimes wish I could be. I am human, after all.

Alright, I'm going to go try to rest. I'm not used to not doing anything so this is going to be harder than it sounds. Seriously, binge watching feels unnatural to me but it may be the only thing that will keep me from moving around and being active when I should be resting and letting my body try to fight off whatever is causing the fever and headache. :)

I hope y'all have had a lovely beginning of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lenten Lesson: Rearranging Priorities

At the end of this Lenten season I came to one huge, defining moment in my life: after being constantly plugged into the online world since I was 16 years old, I have come to realize that I don't like being plugged in. Not only that, I love living life away from it because I've come to realize what's important to me. I do still need the internet -- for schooling and to keep up with friends who find it easier to email -- but I'm so much happier and less stressed without it. I know I've already written a lot on this (unplugging) so I'm just going to move on onto other big changes.

I'm well known for procrastinating when I don't like doing something. This is one of the biggest changes I made during Lent. If it feels like a tedious chore or if I'm tired and lazy, I'm going to put off on doing it until I "feel like it." I have to be "in the mood" to do something or else it's not getting done. I think this is my version of rebellion since I didn't rebel against my parents as a child or a teenager. I kept doing it until I remember that St. Therese did little things even though she didn't have to or want to do them. She offered up these little acts for others. Inspired by this, I started doing the same.

Okay, I'll admit that I was also inspired by this audiobook I listened to a few weeks ago called At Home with Madame Chic by Jennifer L. Scott. Between St. Therese and the books (yes, plural) by Mrs. Scott, I realized what I needed changes and what I was okay with. Procrastinating and not doing things until I "felt like it" will more often than not result in anxiety or even a panic attack, especially if time is a factor. Not doing things because I "don't feel like it" is no longer an option for me. I do things because they need to be done. No excuses, unless I'm sick and incapable of doing them. Even then, I try to do something while sitting down, even if it's time in prayer. If something feels like a burden, I offer it up for souls in purgatory or for anyone whose prayer intention I remember in that moment but I do it anyway.

I'll be honest, the majority of what I worked on were things that as a single lady works but as a future wife and mother wouldn't. I didn't start Lent wanting to change a lot of things that revolved around my vocation (big V) but that's how it ended up. God would show me things about myself that I didn't like and knew I needed to change and it would automatically be connected to my future vocation. I didn't sit and think about it; the connections would automatically pop up in my mind. When I have a husband and children to look after, I can't not do something just because I don't feel like it. I'm going to have to do them whether I like it or not. My priorities will be taking care of my family and helping them in any way that I can so it can't be about my own selfish wants and needs.

I learned that I loved doing housework. Correction: I learned that I wouldn't mind being "stuck" in the house with a family if we could afford it and/or was necessary. I wouldn't mind being a working mother either (I've sort of expected this because that's all I knew growing up; my mom's always been a working mother) but I always worried that I would get bored being a housewife. Silly but there you have it. I found a real joy in cleaning. Washing dishes, vacuuming, cooking, baking -- I love the domestic life. The former "feminist"/"independent woman" side of me is officially dead. My former Sociology/Women's Studies professor would undoubtedly cringe and mourn the death of my former self if she ever found out. lol.

Another huge change was my prayer life. I tend to get bored doing the same routine (as the same time) every day so I switched it up. I added the Litany of Humility and the Chaplet of St. Michael to my usual routine of daily consecration to the Virgin Mary, daily Rosary, and daily morning, evening, and nighttime prayers from the Little Office. While it may seem overwhelming (and it can feel that way if I have to do most of it at night after a busy day), it's not. My time in prayer adds up to maybe an hour every day. God gives me so much more so why can't I take an hour (albeit broken up throughout the day) to pray and just reconnect with Him every day? I pray the Rosary at different times of the day so I don't get bored with the routine. Not that prayer is boring -- it certainly isn't -- but my mind wanders so easily when I have a lot going on. I need those random breaks to refocus on God (and I'll write more about this in another post.)

My faith is important to me. My mother is important to me. My future husband and children are already important to me and this is something I don't even have to worry about right now. Keeping my house (well, apartment) clean, having dishes washed, every person in the house rested and fed, doing things that need to be done first and relaxing/having time for myself second have all become important to me. All the changes and the rearrangement in priorities were much needed. Instead of wasting time online and then rushing to get everything else done at the last minute, I have a more fulfilling life offline doing what I like (or, sometimes, don't like) for those who are most important to me.

It may not seem like some huge, life altering change but it is to me. I'm the kind of person who likes routine and feeling comfortable doing her own thing. At the same time, I've been very selfish with my time. I've learned that I can't always do that. I can't be selfish all the time but I also don't feel guilty watching something on Netflix once everything is done and taken care of. If I can spare an hour or two to watch a movie or a TV series I like, I will. Balance and moderation (as I wrote in the last post) goes hand-in-hand with where my priorities are now. Self-care is important, too, y'all. ;)

I start the Spring quarter in exactly one week from today so it'll be interesting to see how I rearrange other things to fit this new start into my life. I know that my schoolwork will be a priority over watching another Monarch of the Glen episode for the millionth time but I'll also have to remind myself to balance that with my home life (i.e. keeping the household clean) and self-care. I'm going to try my best to not make schoolwork my priority over eating and sleeping again. No, don't want to fall down that rabbit hole again.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to watch another episode of my guilty pleasure show (which is only 24 minutes long) before I get back to do some self-care. I've ran errands, bought groceries, and cleaned the house, so I can watch another 24-minute episode (my second one, thankyouverymuch) before I do something else. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Peaceful Doubts

Oh, doubts. You were bound to pop up at some point...

Lately I've been experiencing this odd mixture of peace with doubts. I know, it doesn't make much sense. I guess the only way to explain it is to take one of the things I've been doubting and share it... and hope it'll make sense to someone.

I don't know if it's the time crunch (down to the final weeks of the quarter and still trying to catch up on coursework) or what but I've been wondering if I should continue grad school. I should say that I am loving my courses. Despite the time crunch and the little free time I get, I truly enjoy them. I haven't enjoyed myself in an academic setting since I did my junior and senior years of high school in less than a year. Seriously, I finished both in two semesters... and I loved it. At no point this quarter have I said "ugh, I don't want to do this anymore. It feels forced." I had those thoughts ("ugh, I want this to be over") when I did speech-language pathology last year but not with theology. I still love the material, even if the books aren't the easiest, and it's something that I will continue doing (learning about theology) once I'm done... but I'm wondering if I should continue in the program.

With everything that's happened recently, I've had to really sit down and look at where I'm going and what I want. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone but I've had a couple of different career/job paths open up for me. One would have me working within the L.A. Archdiocese. It's something I already have the skills for and don't need to further my education for. Another would not be related to theology (at all) and would not need a Master's degree in either. The third option is also something that I don't technically need a Master's degree for but one that the program I'm currently in would help better prepare me for. The only downside to this last option is that it's quite possibly the biggest risk, career and education-wise, that I could take. I'm the first to admit that I'm not a big risk-taker but I know that sometimes the risk is worth the reward.

Because I feel at peace when I think about the program, I'm trying to dismiss the doubts as things that are trying to derail me again. Sure, grad school is a lot (and I do mean a lot) of hard work but I don't mind the hard work. I actually enjoy it! Yes, I'm going to be rushed for the next three weeks, trying to meet all deadlines. Yes, I'm going to work through Thanksgiving weekend... but there is a sort of excitement in it. Still, a part of me is wondering if I'll have these opportunities later on. 

If I had my car fixed, I would go to the nearest Perpetual Adoration chapel or church (to kneel in front of the tabernacle if I couldn't get to the Adoration chapel) and spend some time in silent prayer. There's too much noise and too many distractions where I live to have some time in silence. I don't see my spiritual director until next week so I guess I can wait for that... but it's still something that's going to bug me for a while.

There's something else, too, but that's going to be for my spiritual director to help me figure out. Let's just say it's vocation related and that I feel a lovely peace in my heart but it's a bit complicated. Peace... with doubts.

Maybe all of this is why I've had a strong urge to go to church as much as possible. If I had my car, I would be attending daily Mass and/or driving to the local parish and parking myself in front of the tabernacle. I haven't attended Mass or gone to confession in two weeks and it doesn't sit well with me. I don't feel comfortable and won't until I do both (confession and Mass). The last time I felt an urge this overwhelming was when there was a big change in my life. I guess we shall see what happens next.

I'm just rambling at this point but I wanted to get it out so I wouldn't go crazy trying to analyze it tonight instead of sleeping. I'm going to go pray the Rosary and do my nighttime prayers before midnight. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job

I've been stressing over the whole grad school situation for several weeks now. I keep going back and forth for many reasons but mostly because of fear and because I don't know what God's will for me is. In a sense, I am currently pretty aimless and I don't like it.

I've been chatting with many friends about my current situation because that's how I think best: talking and getting feedback. Most friends just listen and say "trust God" (which, no offense, but I am getting tired of hearing because it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't already trust God). Some try to "steer me" (which feels a lot like forcing me) to go one way or another. When I vented (sorry!) to Julie about how stressed I was and how I felt pushed by some to pursue what they thought was best for me, she said some things (which will remain between her and I) that made realize something: I think I'm afraid of having a "secular" (read: not in a Catholic atmosphere) job because I think it'll somehow drag me away from God and from my wish to be as holy as possible.

I think this goes back to my time at the CINO college. I was in a "Catholic" place but it might as well been secular with the things that were taught (and not taught). The time between my father's death in 2009 and graduation day last year were some of the lowest points in my spiritual life. I went numb for almost an entire year after my father passed... and then I was surrounded by people who were actively trying to destroy orthodoxy with their heresies and blasphemies. It drove me to want to do something about it but I didn't (and still don't) know how. Teaching was an option... except that speaking in front of crowds makes me feel sick and I don't think I'm quite cut out to teach children that aren't my own as I have a fear of misguiding them with my lack of knowledge.

Since I've returned to the Church, 7 years ago, I've never imagined myself having a "secular" job -- one that wasn't somehow connected to the Church. Teaching was an option I never wanted. Being a Director of Religious Education is an option as well but I don't want that kind of leadership role (trust me, I'm a team-player / behind the scenes kind of gal). There are other options as well but none of them are really feasible for myself and my situation. I have my mother to take care of; her declining health is something that I can't push aside so that I can do what I want. Since she will seemingly retire early, it will be my job to provide for the two of us (especially if I never marry; more on this later). More fear of not being able to survive sets in, though I know God has always managed to get us out of financial scrapes.

And here's the second fear: I fear that if I do Speech-Language Pathology instead of Theology will make me a bad person because I would be choosing a career path that would help us financially and would potentially cut my off spiritually. THAT is where my biggest fear lies. When I first considered doing SLP, I didn't know what the salary was. I saw my good friend having problems finding a speech therapist for her son and it inspired me to look into it. Once money came into the picture, it made me start doubting myself; it made me think that I was doing it for the money and that scared the heck out of me.

Want to know what's been causing me stress the past couple of weeks? You just found out.

All of that has been swirling around in my mind for weeks and then wonderful Julie reminded me that being a speech therapist was a noble career. I love children and I want to help them so why not do it in a way that I best utilizes my gifts? I'm good one-on-one (better than in groups). I apparently have some sort of superhuman patience (lol). Even when I'm at the worst (anxiety, sick, etc), children make me push it all aside and focus on the good. I am reminded of how much I want to help people when I see someone who needs it. Nowhere in this way of thinking (which I had no problem with until the last couple of weeks) does money come into play. Julie helped remind me remember why I had chosen their career path and why I had pushed an MA in Theology aside. I may get it in the future but I am not sure this is the right path for me now... much to the disappointment of many people.

I wonder if the Enemy put this doubt into my mind; that I was doing it for the wrong reasons and that having a good paying job - which is not an easy job; lots of hard work - would somehow make me less holy. I wouldn't put it past him.

One more thing before I end this uber long post (sorry!): I can always find ways to incorporate my faith into my life while having a "secular" job. I still do intend to join a Third Order (the Carmelites are currently in the lead for this one, closely followed by the Dominicans). If I am able to, I do want to return to my daily Mass schedule before work (which I've seen many hospital workers do). If I do get married and have children, I will be able to teach them and pass along my beautiful faith to them. Who knows, maybe when I finally get my time management skills down pat, I could do some volunteer parish work. If people like St. Gianna Beretta Molla and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati could chose paths that didn't have them working within a church setting and they still managed to lead holy lives, why can I attempt to do the same?

Anyway, this is all super long and I haven't had a proper lunch (though it is closer to dinner time) so I'm going to see what I can find to munch on while I plan dinner.

I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

I Don't Matter... and That's Okay

Since I'm having one of those days on which nearly everyone is taking all their anger and frustrations out on me, I thought I'd post something about a reoccurring theme in my life lately. The theme? "I don't matter... and that's okay." Now, before you get riled up or call me weak and spineless (yes, some of you have called me that on Twitter; don't worry, you've been forgiven), let me explain something... I don't care that I "don't matter." This is why...

I was raised as if I were an only child. The "spoiled child" stereotype was and wasn't true in my case. My parents taught me to work for everything I wanted. If I didn't do the work, I didn't get it. I wanted a Barbie? Okay, I needed to get good grades. I got my first job when I was very young (about 12-13), tutoring a little boy in math and English. I was 15 years-old when I got my first "real" job doing work-study during a summer at my former high school (the only year I was in public HS).

The spoiled part came when I was in college. My parents didn't want me working while I was in college. It was understandable; I was not used to it. Despite my anxiety, I worked in retail out of high school. I graduated a year and a half ahead of time (that itself was a lot of work; I completed part of my junior year and entire senior year in one single semester) so I had time before I started college. I was not used to working and going to school at the same time and my parents didn't want me to relapse. I ended up relapsing anyone (that's a whole 'nother story) and it took me a long time to finish college because of it. Still, I didn't do more than the odd freelance writing job during college. Scholarships brought in extra spending money but I taught myself to be frugal (which I am to this day). Still, I became a little selfish in college and it's something I've been working to get rid of since graduation.

This past weekend, one of my closest friends came to visit. It's been the first big thing for me since I became ill last summer. I had been so sick that I sort of fell back into my selfishness. Taking care of myself. Only looking out for myself (and my mom). If I didn't want to do something, I didn't do it. "Me, me, me, me, me." What a stereotypical Millennial, eh? I feel bad about this but then I remember that did need to focus on getting myself and my health back on track. Though I am still recovering (and I still have a bit of weight to gain to get back to where I was pre-illness; doctor's orders), I am at a much better place. For the first time since my illness began, I had to really put myself and my needs aside and focus on someone else. Sure, I had done just that (with my mom) before but never to the extent I've had to this weekend.

Before my friend came, I had been taking care of my mom. Though I felt faint at time, I still fought through it and cooked for us. Anything that she couldn't do, I did. Though I was weak and achy, I had to prepare for my friend's arrival. Though I was super anxious, I ran errands and drove mom to and from work. (side note: if you're very anxious, I don't recommend you actually drive; don't try this at home.) When my friend arrived, I was still very anxious yet I still suppressed it as much as I could and made sure she had the best time she could while visiting. Why? Because I didn't matter.

I'm not saying that I don't think I matter as a human being. It was just that my wants didn't matter. I hope it doesn't make me sound egotistical, but I think I bring something unique to this world. God's given me gifts (which I am still trying to figure out how to use) and one of them seems to be the ability to push aside whatever I am going through and focus on someone else who needs care and/or attention for whatever reasons. While, sure, being anxious, lightheaded and I was feeling like my stomach was going to send me to the ER, I knew that I was going to be fine. I've learned to distinguish when I should be really worried and when I just have to sit and relax (and do whatever is necessary) while whatever I'm feeling passes. Having my friend over was the first real big test and I'm happy to say that I think I did well.

I feel like God is preparing me for whatever the next step in my life is; whether it be career related or something else like maybe a wife and mother. Actually, the thoughts "okay, if I can do this (which is just a fraction of what moms can do -- they're superwomen), then my being able to do this is helping me realize that I can be a mama someday." That's right, I don't matter... and that's okay. It was a pretty fantastic feeling despite everything else that I was feeling.

So that's my whole thing. It was a little longer than I anticipated but I just really wanted to get it all out. And I'm sure that having The Avengers playing in the background gave me the extra push. ;)

Anyway, it's my day off so I'm going to try to enjoy it and not let the angry people ruin it. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D