When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Yes, I know; it's been over a month since my last blog post.

Life has been... an adventure.

There have been multiple doctor appointments and still more to come.

There have been trips to hospitals, including an ambulance ride to the emergency room when I had chest pains that were so bad that they made my entire left side go numb; the EMTs wanted to make sure I wasn't having any heart-related issues. They turned out to be muscle spasms that I've still felt as recently as yesterday.

There have been plans to move forward in a couple of areas in my life... all while dealing with health issues.

Ah, yes... the ever-present health issues. While my platelets were within the normal range for the first time in over a decade for two (yes, two) blood draws, the anemia has gotten a bit worse.

I've also been waking up and going "blind" for a couple of minutes in the morning. It usually takes me to the end of the second or (more frequently) third Rosary mystery before I can see enough to keep going on with my day. I have an ophthalmology appointment on the 15th -- the feast of the Assumption -- to hopefully begin figuring out what's been going on these last couple of months.

And, to top it off, I'm either allergic to a big staple in my diet or it just ups my histamine levels which made me perpetually congested and teary-eyed until I stopped eating it a week ago. Why, potatoes? Why?! So, now I'm down to only two things that I can eat: chicken and corn tortillas. Can we say "malnutrition deficiencies"? Since I have major food allergy PTSD (it's no fun to feel your throat get swollen or like you can't breathe right after you've eaten something that has never made you sick before), it's going to take a lot of courage to try new foods while dealing with the fears I have of potentially having a severe allergic reaction. It thankfully hasn't happened yet -- my reactions have been mild to perhaps slightly moderate-ish so far  -- my doctors are having me carry an EpiPen wherever I go. Fun, right?

Are we seeing the adventure part, yet? Yes, it's been a wild ride.

Throughout all of this, I'm ashamed to admit that I fluctuate between trusting God and forgetting He's even here. This is straight-up, real talk.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own fears that I forget Who ultimately has control of the situation. While I was amazingly calm during the chest pain/spams ordeal -- to the point where the doctors ruled out anxiety as a cause for the chest pains; I was praying the Rosary while going through the spasm pains -- I've had moments of pure panic where God isn't even in the back of my mind. And it's not like I even distrust that God has my back; I just forget because I'm so wrapped up in myself. It's absolutely horrible.

Lately, I've been wondering if I've gone through all of this as a sort of test. Not that God is testing my love for Him. It's more like God is allowing these trials to help me try to keep Him on my mind more often; to help me realize what areas of my life I need to work on to better my relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. Just looking back at how many times I didn't even think about Him versus how many times I remembered that God was in control has been an eye-opener. I have a lot to work on but I'm prepared to do that work.

All of this has always made me even more acutely aware of how much I am missing the Sacraments. How many times have I gone to Mass in the past 9 weeks? Once... at the retreat... because the chapel was literally downstairs and I could take the elevator down from where my room was and walk, even while dizzy and lightheaded and feeling faint, to it. Now that I'm back home and my health has slowly regressed and I have no one who can potentially drive me to Mass and feel comfortable enough help steady me if I feel a little lightheaded when standing up? No Mass for Emmy. Sometimes I'm too weak to even get out of bed, let alone walk downstairs or even drive to the nearest parish.

And, of course, that also means it's been that long since I've been to confession as well. I've had two mini spiritual direction meetings since but I haven't had a proper confession in weeks. My heart longs for it. I don't like being away from the Sacraments. I don't like missing Mass. I intensely dislike not having been to confession since shortly after my birthday in late May. The longer these things go on, the more distant and muddled my relationship with God feels.

I, thankfully, have moments of consolation where I feel God's presence, His mercy and love, in my life but those are infrequent and never last long enough. It's like I've taken up residence in the middle of the desert... in the middle of summer... during the worst heatwave ever recorded in the area. It's just plumb awful. Of course, just because I don't feel His presence doesn't mean He's not there. His existence isn't based on my dull human feelings. Intellectually, I know that... but it's still hard and it makes the struggle through the spiritual dryness even harder to get through.

I know that we all go through these rough periods in our lives and especially in our spiritual life. I know that great saints have gone through years or even decades (St. Teresa of Calcutta, anyone?) where they receive no consolation during their "dark nights of the soul." Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that closeness with God ever again... but, regardless, I still keep going. I mean, I feel like a fraud most of the time (again, this is real talk, y'all) because I haven't been able to attend Mass or confession but I'm still trying to do the little bits I can do.

I'm still praying the Benedictine Office throughout the day. I still have my list of daily prayers I pray, including the (much needed) Litany of Humility. I still pray the Rosary daily. I still pray for those who ask for prayers; for those whom I love and care for. I still try to do the right thing even though, the longer I go without the Sacraments, the harder it is to not fall into temptation and occasionally slip up. Still, that somehow doesn't seem like enough to me.

So, that's where I am. I hope my health improves in the near future because I miss attending Mass, receiving the Eucharist, and giving my soul a nice scrubbing in the confessional. Heck, I just want to have enough physical stamina to do basic things like getting out of bed and making myself something to eat without help some days.

I may be crazy to do it but... there's going to be a big change happening in the near future for me. This big change has been a long time coming. It's going to make me face some of my biggest fears and it's going to take me away from everything I've ever known. I think you can sort of guess what I'll be doing with those clues. Again, I may be crazy for embarking on this journey in the middle of my health issues, but perhaps this is something I need to do to improve my health. I'm being vague about it now but I hope to be able to share some details after it's all said and done. Just, please, keep me in your prayers because the whole situation is going to be high-stress and I'm honestly a little worried about how that will affect my health in the process.

... did I forget to mention that life has been an adventure lately? I didn't even mention finishing novel three in the middle of all that craziness! lol. Yes, I'll blog about that soon, as well.

Anyway, this is all part of why I've been MIA lately. I know I've been slightly more active on Twitter but that's been due to the prayer requests when I feel like, "Okay, I need prayer warriors to help me out with this one." I hope to get back to writing more, especially now that novel three is done and I'm slowly getting through all the doctor's appointments (and the follow-ups to the follow-ups). I have 3-4 more appointments scheduled (for now) in the next month, two this week.

Breathe in... hold for 1... 2... 3... 4... and breathe out...  Repeat.

I hope summer has been kinder to y'all so far. Can autumn hurry up and get here already? Summertime and I clearly don't get along. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

The Big "M" Word: Marriage

I want to ask all my fellow single ladies (and you single gentlemen who we've seen talking about marriage on Twitter lately; yes, we've noticed) a couple of very important questions. I know many of us have a desire to marry and have children... but why? Have you really discerned your vocation? Ladies, do you want to get married for the wedding planning and the party part? Do you just think about getting that diamond engagement ring; showing it off to everyone? Do you want to get married solely because you feel unloved and you want to feel loved?

These may seem like harsh questions but I don't think I've ever seen conversations (beyond my own with my best friend and with a good guy friend who is thinking about getting engaged to his girlfriend) or blog posts in which they were asked. I apologize if the questions offend or unsettle you... but I believe these (and others) are important to think about. I've heard of (and have seen young women) who want to get married for the wrong reasons.

Here's my story: when talking about vocations, my spiritual director asked me how I knew I was called to marriage and not to another vocation. I wasn't prepared with a good answer. "I've prayed about it, in front of the tabernacle, and I feel, deep down, that it's my vocation" wasn't good enough. It was all true; I did pray and the desire to get married and have children grew whenever I was in front of the tabernacle. There was no doubt in my mind that that was my vocation. However, I didn't really get deeper than that. For weeks after, I thought about it. I returned to my spiritual director with my answer... which I think (from his expression) surprised him. Again, besides my conversations with my best friend and one of my closest guy friends, I'd never really talked about it but now my SD knows why I'm certain that it's my vocation.

I know you'll all be curious as to know why but it's something that's so personal that I'm not sure I want to share just yet. However, I will share a couple of thoughts. While I felt like it was my vocation, it wasn't until a year ago that I could honestly say that I could see myself getting married. I've always been incredibly independent and I worried that I would never meet a guy who I could see myself growing old with. It was a selfish mentality; I had my goals and I had my responsibilities and I couldn't see myself bringing a guy into the equation. I wasn't ready and I knew that it would be terrible to bring someone else into my life while I was figuring out career and vocation questions. Then I had two big epiphany moments in which I not only realized what I was doing (including trying to suppress feelings I'd had for years, done out of fear) but I also realized that I finally understood why it was my vocation when I accepted those feelings.

I don't want to get married for the party. In fact, I want a church wedding and maybe a small reception for family and closest family friends only. For the record, I have absolutely no pinterest boards for my dream wedding. I will not think about what I want for my wedding until there's a reason for it... and even then I will be focusing on preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage. I just know I want to get married in a church.

I don't want a diamond engagement ring nor will I be shoving my ring finger in people's faces in the future. I think there's a lot of pressure on guys to spend three months' worth of salary on the ring and I think that's ridiculous. Besides, I don't like diamonds anyway. Future fella: don't worry about it. I'd prefer an emerald if you really want me to have a ring with a gemstone on it. lol.

I don't want to get married because I feel unloved. I actually feel like I have a lot of love in my life from family and friends. Most importantly, I feel God's love for me, even when I'm going through something rough and I'm not too happy that my prayers weren't answered in ways I hoped for. There is no greater love than the love God has for us all and you can't replace it with any love you may find on this earth.

It was actually a good friend (who doesn't actually know this... and might put puzzle pieces together if they read this blog post) who unintentionally helped me figure things out. I'll stop there because I'm not comfortable expanding on it just yet. I will say that I constantly pray for my future husband (whoever he may be). I may not know who he is or what he's going through but I know that everyone is need of prayer. He may have temptations, bad habits, family or personal issues, vocation doubts, etc. I don't have to wait to know who is and/or what his story is for me to pray for him.

I'm not saying that I have all the answers or that I'm correct in my thoughts -- though my SD has yet to correct or challenge them. I just wanted to share this because I've seen so many "I just want to get married! I'm tired of being alone!", "I just want children; I wish husbands were optional!", and other similar comments floating around, especially amongst the 25+ set. Take a couple of minutes and think about it; why do you want to get married? Are the words "Sacrament of Marriage" just words to you or do you understand the importance of them? This is my challenge to all of you who I've seen talking (well, tweeting) about the desire to be married.

Alright, I need to get back to studying for my COMD courses and for my first Statistics midterm coming up at the end of next week.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #25: Not a Valentine's Grinch Edition

First What I Learned Wednesday post of the year. Let's go!

1.) I'd like to clear something up regarding my Valentine's Day tweet last night: I am not a Valentine's Day Grinch. I am not bitter that I'm currently single. I'm actually enjoying my singlehood whilst future fella arrives. I love love. I am all for falling in love. I even helped organized a card exchange between single girl friends so that no one would feel bad last year. I don't like it being called "Singles Awareness Day." At the same time, I am not a fan of how commercialized the day is. I've been saying this since 2008 when I actually had a fella. That blog post was written by a 22 year-old me (yes, I'm that old, lol)... and my thoughts have not changed since. Things seem to cost more than usual for this day. Both guys and gals (but, let's be honest, more so guys than gals) get pressured into making a huge romantic gesture on the day. That doesn't sound romantic to me; it sounds like it's rather forced. Sure, I like receiving flowers as much as the next girl but I'd personally prefer a guy send/give them to me because they felt like it and not because it was expected of them. I have other thoughts on the day which I've written about it as recent as last year.

And I can tie this to Catholicism easily: Valentine's Day reminds me of the efforts. St. Valentine did -- risking death -- to marry couples when it was illegal to do so. St. Valentine reminds me of love... which reminds me of the constant love I feel from both God and Mama Mary. So the day is spent (regardless of whether I have a significant other or not) focused on the love I receive from them as well as my friends and family. See? No Grinch-ing from me; I just look at things differently. You have all learned something new (instead of the other way around). Now that that's been settled, can y'all start being nice to me again? I'd appreciate it. lol.

2.) This may get a huge eye-roll for those of you who are more savvy about all things Catholic but I'm still learning so this made me really excited a couple of weeks ago. As I was praying the Luminous Mysteries in front of the tabernacle, I realized that they (the mysteries) represented the Sacraments we Catholics receive. First mystery: Baptism. Second: Marriage. Third: Reconciliation. Fourth: Confirmation. Fifth: Communion. I know; there's 7 Sacraments so I'm missing Holy Orders and Anointing of the Sick. I was so excited at this revelation (which I figured out on my own, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm sure) that I came home and Googled it just to make sure. Sure enough, I had been right. And now every Thursday I can pray the Rosary and focus on the significance of each other mysteries in a whole new way. For the record, I could be wrong about what each mystery represents; it's what I figured out. Someone correct me if one or more is wrong.

3.) As a future speech therapist (who will also be learning a bit of audiology), I loved hearing the news that a priest invented a confessional tool for the deaf! I've been saving this article as well, because it was something that I learned since the last WILW post and I thought it was pretty darn important. I've seen a sign language interpreter in Mass at only one parish in L.A. and it's always made me wonder if other deaf Catholics have the same assistance elsewhere around the world. Mass is such a beautiful thing that it would be a shame for others to miss it because of disabilities and/or conditions. This is coming from someone who would, once upon a time, go months without attending a single Mass due to her anxiety order.

And that's all. Short(-ish) and sweet. I have a ton of things to do so... I should probably go do them now. lol.

I hope you all have a great rest of week. And someone please poke me if I take more than 2-3 days to publish a new blog post. I definitely have the time to do so these days. :)

What I Learned Wednesday #24: End of Year of Faith Edition

1) Looking back on the Year of Faith, I feel like I can personally call it a success as I learned quite a bit about the Faith. However, I was sad to see how many people began the year excited and how almost everyone seemed to ignore it at the end. Maybe it's just my group of friends (online and offline) but I didn't see many people reflect or even given a hoot about the end of the Year of Faith. Why is that? Okay, I totally dropped the ball more than once on my What I Learned Wednesday posts but I still tried. And, okay, I also didn't finish reading the Catechism but I'm still reading it at the moment. That is a goal that I still have time for (giving myself until the last day of the year). The main thing is that I tried from start to finish. I think the effort is what counts. My curiosity and love of learning new things was definitely awakened this year and it's just going to continue. So, hooray Year of Faith!

2) I also recently noticed that I have received 5 of the Seven Sacraments. Here's my list:
a) Baptism: September 1st, 1985.
b) Holy Communion/Eucharist: May 21, 1994 (First Communion). I try to receive Eucharist as frequently as possible.
c) Reconciliation/Confession: Approx. April 1994 (first). I still go at least once every two weeks when I'm not sick. 
d) Confirmation: November 22, 1998.
e) Marriage: TBD.
f) Holy Orders: The one I'll never receive.
g) Anointing of the Sick: May 10, 2013.

I obviously won't receive Holy Orders but, God willing, I will receive the 6th and last Sacrament (Marriage) at some point in my lifetime. I think this is pretty cool.

3) Who didn't see the MSM's shoddy reporting on Pope Francis' Evangelii Gaudium coming? Y'all (MSM) are so predictable. Mom and I watched Spanish language news yesterday (as I get enough of the English language news online) and it was pretty much the same thing. "*gasp* Pope Francis declares war on materialism!" "Pope Francis is implementing new changes that will rock the Church, only at 6 p.m.!" I think mom and I become Statler and Waldorf whenever any new report on the Catholic Church comes on because it's always so cringe worthy. You don't do your jobs, news reporters. You try to lie to the audience on the actual facts. We get it. Yawn. I'm actually going to read the Spanish-language version of Evangelii Gaudium (thank you, mom and dad, for raising me bilingual) because I heard Pope Francis originally wrote it in Spanish. That and I've heard people complain that the English version is a poor translation. *shrugs* I'll keep y'all posted on that.

Anyway, that's it for now. I am almost caught up on NaNoWriMo (I should be at 45,000 words today and I'm currently at 44,862) so I'm going to do that tonight. I hope to finish the required 50,000 words by Friday. It's doable since I average 4,000 words per day and my record has been 7,000 words in a single night. And to think that some of y'all called me a quitter! ;)

I hope y'all have a wonderfully blessed Thanksgiving Day! I am definitely thankful for each and every one of you who are sharing this journey with me. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D