When the Obstacles Seem Insurmountable...

Lately, my life has been one long journey through a dark, stormy abyss. Think of Atreyu's journey in The Neverending Story. Instead of letting the Swamp of Sadness swallow me whole (R.I.P. Artax the horse), I've been doing what I can to keep myself afloat but it hasn't been easy.

As your regular blog readers know, it's been a hard time for my family. Between financial difficulties and a number of other problems (across the board; not just limited to Mom and me), it's been a long string of stresses.

I'm the one who keeps the household budget (I'm good with numbers and puzzles/conundrums) so I know the most about how bad our situation is. I try to cut out unnecessary expenses and try to figure out where we can save and where we simply cannot skimp. With random things popping up (e.g. unexpected car repairs), I'm constantly trying to figure out where we can come up with the money and what needs to wait until next month. It's a gigantic headache (sometimes literal) that I deal with at least twice a week.

Having no car has meant no confession or Mass. The nearest parish doesn't have Saturday confession and -- when it does offer confession -- it's too late in the day to safely walk to and from it so that makes going to confession hard as well. I hope to get my car back later today... and that the financial strain isn't too bad. We had to put off getting it repaired for a month (I've basically been stuck at home since mid-April) because we simply had no spare money that wasn't put aside for necessities. I got it towed to our mechanic's garage on Tuesday and I'm expecting a call at some point today to let me know the extent of the damage to our meager monthly savings. Please say a prayer it doesn't go over the halfway point of the triple digits because we won't be able to afford that.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it through x, y, z (because things happen in multiples, not one at a time) with my sanity intact. Worries on top of worries on top of worries. It's like an endless cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes all of these things also affect my spiritual life. If I'm not careful, the devil knows exactly how and when to attack. Not having been able to go to Mass and confession has only added to the hardships. I don't know why but I have a feeling that going to confession and receiving the Eucharist will somehow help. I'm not being superstitious; it's just a gut feeling that I have.

Thankfully, the consecration preparation, holy water, and my prayer life have helped... big time.

Every morning I do the Consecration to Mary prayer ("My queen, my mother, I give myself entirely to thee..."), which was recommended by one of our local FSSP priests when he came over to pray for me the day after my car accident a couple of years ago. Then I read the daily Mass readings, use the reflections sent to my inbox by Bishop Robert Barron and Blessed Is She. Then I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. During my consecration preparation, I've added the daily reflections in the 33 Days to Morning Glory book to this routine.

I also pray a variety of novenas, prayers, and/or the Rosary and the Rosary confraternity prayer throughout the day but, more often than not, I do them at night with my nighttime routine. Again, I use the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary and examine my conscience before I call it a night. If there is something I missed doing in the morning (e.g. consecration preparation or daily Mass readings), I will also do it at this time.

I make use of the holy water we were given by one of our local FSSP priests (when he's been over to the house to bless it for Epiphany) throughout the day. In the morning, before I leave the house (especially if I have to drive), at night... if I feel like I need it, I will use it.

I think I'm so used to my routine -- used to trying to cling to my faith during these times of chaos -- that if I miss something at some point, I feel more vulnerable in a way. Not to the point of superstition, scrupulosity, or anything like that. I just tend to notice any deviation from my routine... and it's this routine that helps remind me that I shouldn't be egocentric.

It's so easy to get caught up in your worries. I've personally found myself being pulled more into my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own hardships. I don't like that I think more about myself and what is going on with me than about others and/or about God... but it's hard. And, okay, I know some of my good friends are currently ready to file a formal protest for having said that -- I've even had priests tell me I'm too hard on myself -- but I truly feel selfish during these times and I don't like it. I think that's why I hold onto my prayer routine very closely; it's a good reminder that whatever I'm going through is not up to me to "fix."

Sometimes these obstacles seem insurmountable. That's when I have to remember that God is ultimately in charge of everything, not me. Never have the words "Jesus, I Trust In You" been uttered as much as they have in this household before. Never has putting my money where my mouth is been as important as it has been in recent weeks/month. Never have I have challenged in every way as I have lately.

1 Peter 5:7-10 has resonated so much as it has during these trials... especially when I was asked to wait to become a Benedictine oblate; to "revisit this in a couple of months to make sure this is what (I) really want." The evil one knows that this is what I most wanted lately and I won't let the small obstacle get and keep me down.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it feels like the walls are caving in around me. Yes, it oftentimes feels like things will never get better; that this is just what my life is going to be like from now on -- one bad thing after another. Yet, Scripture (and the saints) says otherwise. The only thing I can do is trust that God will get me through it and that He will give me the courage, the strength, and whatever graces are necessary to get through this time.

I don't see an end to all I've been enduring lately but I think about the heavenly reward that awaits if only I would get my act straight and that's enough to keep me going; to keep me fighting against temptations. It's hard. Some days I just feel like laying in bed and sleeping all day. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. Most importantly, I know that God has my back and that's worth everything.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts lately.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend as well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

A Change is Gonna Come

Yes, I had the Sam Cooke song in my head when I thought of the title. ;) While the change is not the same one that Sam Cooke was singing about, I am going through a number of changes and I am optimistic that it will be for the best in the end.

I'm going to start off with the bad changes first. You guys know how I have been having stomach problems since late July-early August of last year? Well, thankfully, I've been able to eat more foods, like fries and fried chicken, though I still can't tolerate many acidic foods. The bad news is that I somehow managed to lose an extra pound so I'm unfortunately underweight at this point. I just found out yesterday (I hadn't been weighed in days). My first reaction was to cry and freak out, but I didn't. I looked at the positive: at least it took 2 months to lose a single pound instead of a week or two like it was two months ago AND all I have to do is just snack more often. I know it's because I hadn't been eating enough calories due to lack of appetite and feeling fullness in my stomach. The good news in all of this is that 1) my pre-stomach problems appetite has been back this past week (which means I'm always hungry and snacking) and 2) yesterday was the first time that I was able to get enough calories (that I counted, anyway) to hopefully start gaining weight. It's going to be a slow progress but I have to be patient. I can do this, no matter how exaggerated some people's comments may be. Seriously, just don't say anything if it's not comforting or supportive. I know God will help me along the way and that's all I need.

Okay, now the good changes. I've been reading this great book called Interior Freedom by Fr. Jacques Philippe (which my good friend, Kerri, sent me for Lent). Though it's a short book (only 134 pages), I'm taking my time reading it because there are a lot of great things that have spoken to me and have made me want to slow down and really think. A lot of what's in the book relates to having anxieties, worries, etc. As I read it, I make notes and reflect on how it'll help me with my anxiety. You know how I wrote that I wanted to cry and freak out over my weight yesterday, but didn't? That's because I took what was in the book and applied it to the situation. Instead of worrying about it and having a full blown panic attack, I just said "Okay, this is happening now. This can be fixed. I have full faith in God that He will help me get out of this situation" and then I let it go. Just like that. Sure, anxiety wanted to creep up on me for the rest of the day but I would say the same thing and then shift my attention elsewhere.

The biggest change within me these past couple of weeks has been growing to trust God more than I have in the past (which is completely necessary in order to grow spiritually) and letting go of my fears. Fears are the driving force behind my anxiety and PTSD. Fear that I won't do a good job on an assignment. Fear that I will lose my mother like I did my father. Fear that I will get hurt somehow. Fear of this. Fear of that. That's absolutely no way to live. Of course, I've gone through traumatic experiences (which resulted in my having a PTSD diagnosis) but I am not going to let it slow me down or define me. I know I'm going to have some off days in which I want to lock myself in my room and not come out but I'm not going to do that. I haven't been doing that. If something gives me anxiety, I still go ahead and do it. I shake as I do it (shaking comes from fear/anxiety) but I still do it. I place all my trust in God and I go forward. And all of this courage comes from the reflections I make while reading the book. (btw, if you suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, worries, etc, I HIGHLY recommend reading the book.)

In the nicest, most charitable way I can think of, I'm going to say that my therapist has not been the right fit for me. I am sure she helps other patients with her methods but we just don't mesh so I haven't been able to get anything out of the sessions. I have gotten more out of the book than I do the sessions (which are ending next week). My faith is the biggest part of who I am. I chose this. When I am asked to identify myself, I say I'm first Catholic and Mexican-Spanish (possibly Irish) American second. I truly believe that the answer to my getting better (both physically and mentally) is in the Lord. I'm not saying "doctors and therapists can't do nothing for me" or anything like that. They are here on earth to help us in whatever way they can help but, if I am given a choice of trusting someone who uses my faith or morals against me or trusting that the Lord will guide me while I find the right person to help me (if it's not something I can do on my own), I'm going to trust Him and place all my worries with Him. And this realization has been huge for me because I'm a worrier by nature and I have often thought that some of my problems just needed concrete evidence as an explanation.  No more. More trusting and letting go and less worrying.

This blog post has gone in a different direction than I intended but, what can you do? Sometimes you just need to write things out without having a clear idea of what you want to share.

Anyway, I need to go pick up my mom from work (poor mom has been having problems with one foot and can barely walk at the end of the day). Sorry for the long post. ;)

If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. If you're celebrating St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, remember not to go too crazy as we're still in Lent. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!