Cutting the Outside Noise

I had a sort of "screen-free" two day break in which texts went unanswered and there was no activity from me on either Facebook or Twitter. I got the idea after re-reading a novel I'm now going to call my guilty pleasure. What I didn't expect was a very eye-opening (are we sick of that buzzword yet?) experience. Well, just the latest one because I've been having so many of them lately.

During my screen-free break, I worked on my family tree (and ended up discovering the names of my 4th and 5th great-grandparents from the late 1700s!) After I was done with that, I just felt like taking a trip down memory lane and it ended up being the best decision I've made in recent months.

I ended up reconnecting with, well, I'll say an "old friend" during a trip down memory lane. For years (yes, years) I've felt like there have been a few things that have been "off." Every time I felt like I was "myself" once again, something threw me for a loop and I ended up back to square one. I've been dealing with anger, impatience, frustration, and a general feeling of disconnect. I've felt it since my father's death. I can pinpoint most of it to that event. Enter my "old friend."

The conversation went something like this:
Me: I miss the old me.
O.F.: What do you mean?
Me: Do you remember what I used to be like when I was like 19-20? What words would you have used to describe me back then?
O.F.: Hmm... dreamy, romantic, a dreamer... thoughtful, gentle, emotional, deep, and very sensitive.
Me: But I'm so different now. I'm nothing like that.
O.F.: You can get that part of yourself back. She's in there... you just need to cut out all the outside noise. (pause, after I started internalizing things.) That dreamy, idealistic girl... she's not gone, she's just hiding.

It dawned on me that I was letting a lot of the "outside noise" alter me without really realizing. I mean, I've sort of realized that lately (and I think you can see some of that in my latest blog posts) but it didn't really hit me just how much until tonight.

I seriously considered shutting down this blog as well as my social media accounts for a split second. The last time I "cut all the noise" was when I was able to be myself without censoring myself or being fearful of what others said to and thought about me. For those of you who've read the first novel I wrote (When Two Worlds Collide), let's just say that was talked about at the end of Chapter 17 actually happened to me. That year or so that I was off social media and it was really hard to get a hold of me? Bliss. Of course, I cut out more than the online noise in those days. My "friends" then were terrible. The friends I have now are super lovely so I can't really go off and disappear like I did last time. I'm quite determined to do a modified version of what I was forced to do back then... only this time it's more voluntary and being done for my own good.

I think accepting the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person and that I do need to cut some of the outside noise that has been causing some inner turmoil has given me the courage to say "okay, I know I thrive when I can just do my thing and cut out all the outside noise (side note: 'sup, new buzzword?) so I'm just going to go for it."

I know I often say that I'm going to limit my time online and that lasts for only a couple of weeks but now I sort of have my old friend to keep me accountable... and hopefully a little busy. Yes, I remember what I used to do back then; how I didn't need the internet or social media.

Do you ever feel like your life has come full circle with a lot of things? It's the 10th anniversary since my reversion. I went through a lot of illnesses/health scares a month ago. A lot of that felt like deja vu to summer of 2006. Now, with the old friend, it feels like I'm getting a second chance to get that right as well. It's almost like I'm getting a second chance to do a lot of things differently so I can finally move on from this plateau I've been stuck on for the past decade. Maybe I'm being silly or I'm reading too much into it but it does feel like God is saying "take everything you've learned and keep moving forward. It's time."

Anyway, it's almost midnight and I have my prayers to get through so I should go. :) If y'all can please say a prayer for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Let's just say that tomorrow I'm going to face yet another thing that had a major impact in my life when I was younger and I'm going to need both a lot of courage and charity to get through the next two days or so. Thank you in advance!

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Why is Sensitivity Such a Bad Thing?

I was going to write about yesterday's Mass adventures (and I will, maybe tomorrow) but I read an article on Verily this morning about how sensitivity is seen as a hinderance and I'm sitting here wondering why. I mean, I know it's true -- people see that I'm sensitive and they automatically assume I'm weak -- but why is that?

I've always been sensitive, even when I was a child. Teachers would let my parents know in my report cards. "Melissa is friendly, and a bit too talkative at times, but she's prone to tears." When I see people in pain (whether it be emotional or physical), my first reaction is to tear up. That is then followed by a great desire to help them in any way that I possibly can. I don't see this as a bad thing. Well, no. I can see that there's one downside. I know I have to be careful because sometimes people will want to exploit that sensitivity for their own gain. The words "you're too nice, Jane (Bennet)" have been uttered by some of my closest friends more times than I can count.

My initial reaction to stress, anger, joy, and other (but not all) emotions is tears. Yes, this is why everyone has been banned from singing "Happy Birthday" to me on my birthday. lol. Tears are the way I release emotion so it doesn't bottle up. It's how my body takes care of itself. Some people burst out and yell or hit something when they're angry. Other people jump up and down when they're happy. I tear up... and, okay, I'll occasionally jump up and down when excited as well. lol. Crying doesn't mean that I'm weak; it just means I release emotion in a different manner than others.

I know some guys steer clear when they see that I'm sensitive because they think I'm going to be a weakling who will be pushed around by others. On the flip side, I've also known guys who think that because I'm sensitive, they can do whatever they want. They think that I'm going to bawl my eyes out over everything that's said or done to me. Those who've known me for years will attest to the fact that this is not true. When I cry, it'll last an average of 5 minutes at most... unless the situation is complicated and emotionally taxing. Those who've attempted to treat me like dirt know what a sharp tongue I can have (though I rarely use it). I hate seeing injustices. I don't tolerate being treated like I'm less than human and get more incensed when I see that it's being done to others. I'm stubborn and I will use that to stick up for those I love, even if it's a tough, uphill battle.

Being sensitive has made me very receptive to the emotions of others around me. I'm able to figure out how someone is feeling even if they try to hide it from everyone. I never push them to talk about whether is bothering them but I make myself available to them if needed. I've become the go-to person when friends want to vent, to cry, or to talk through their problems. I'm happy to be of service to those who need it. I may never amount to much or have any "great successes" but the fact that I've been able to help friends through some of their darkest hours is more than enough for me.

When I love (whether platonically or romantically), I love deeply. Even when I get hurt, I don't abandon the person. I may create distance between them and I if I see that friendship or relationship being unnecessarily toxic but I will still care about and pray for the other person. I will "go down this ship" as they say.

So, again, not seeing why being sensitive is a bad thing. Can someone clarify this for me? Just like this world needs people with the courage to fight and to put themselves out there for the good of mankind, it also needs us who are more attuned to emotions and are more in the background.

Anyway, just wanted to put in my two cents on this subject.

I think I'm going to go ahead and write tomorrow's blog post today and just schedule it because I still really want to share what happened yesterday. :D It may not be significant to others but it was to me. :)

I hope y'all are having a great start of week! Don't forget to vote in the patron saint poll! There's less than 48 hours to go!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D