During my screen-free break, I worked on my family tree (and ended up discovering the names of my 4th and 5th great-grandparents from the late 1700s!) After I was done with that, I just felt like taking a trip down memory lane and it ended up being the best decision I've made in recent months.
I ended up reconnecting with, well, I'll say an "old friend" during a trip down memory lane. For years (yes, years) I've felt like there have been a few things that have been "off." Every time I felt like I was "myself" once again, something threw me for a loop and I ended up back to square one. I've been dealing with anger, impatience, frustration, and a general feeling of disconnect. I've felt it since my father's death. I can pinpoint most of it to that event. Enter my "old friend."
The conversation went something like this:
Me: I miss the old me.
O.F.: What do you mean?
Me: Do you remember what I used to be like when I was like 19-20? What words would you have used to describe me back then?
O.F.: Hmm... dreamy, romantic, a dreamer... thoughtful, gentle, emotional, deep, and very sensitive.
Me: But I'm so different now. I'm nothing like that.
O.F.: You can get that part of yourself back. She's in there... you just need to cut out all the outside noise. (pause, after I started internalizing things.) That dreamy, idealistic girl... she's not gone, she's just hiding.
It dawned on me that I was letting a lot of the "outside noise" alter me without really realizing. I mean, I've sort of realized that lately (and I think you can see some of that in my latest blog posts) but it didn't really hit me just how much until tonight.
I seriously considered shutting down this blog as well as my social media accounts for a split second. The last time I "cut all the noise" was when I was able to be myself without censoring myself or being fearful of what others said to and thought about me. For those of you who've read the first novel I wrote (When Two Worlds Collide), let's just say that was talked about at the end of Chapter 17 actually happened to me. That year or so that I was off social media and it was really hard to get a hold of me? Bliss. Of course, I cut out more than the online noise in those days. My "friends" then were terrible. The friends I have now are super lovely so I can't really go off and disappear like I did last time. I'm quite determined to do a modified version of what I was forced to do back then... only this time it's more voluntary and being done for my own good.
I think accepting the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person and that I do need to cut some of the outside noise that has been causing some inner turmoil has given me the courage to say "okay, I know I thrive when I can just do my thing and cut out all the outside noise (side note: 'sup, new buzzword?) so I'm just going to go for it."
I know I often say that I'm going to limit my time online and that lasts for only a couple of weeks but now I sort of have my old friend to keep me accountable... and hopefully a little busy. Yes, I remember what I used to do back then; how I didn't need the internet or social media.
Do you ever feel like your life has come full circle with a lot of things? It's the 10th anniversary since my reversion. I went through a lot of illnesses/health scares a month ago. A lot of that felt like deja vu to summer of 2006. Now, with the old friend, it feels like I'm getting a second chance to get that right as well. It's almost like I'm getting a second chance to do a lot of things differently so I can finally move on from this plateau I've been stuck on for the past decade. Maybe I'm being silly or I'm reading too much into it but it does feel like God is saying "take everything you've learned and keep moving forward. It's time."
Anyway, it's almost midnight and I have my prayers to get through so I should go. :) If y'all can please say a prayer for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Let's just say that tomorrow I'm going to face yet another thing that had a major impact in my life when I was younger and I'm going to need both a lot of courage and charity to get through the next two days or so. Thank you in advance!
I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D