My Breakdown and What it Did to My Faith

This is hard for me to admit but, this is my journey and if it helps someone it'll be worth saying it:

I had a breakdown a couple of days ago.

Feel free to judge me as you want. The stigma of it makes me feel ashamed but I've come to terms with the fact that I was a lot stronger for much longer than I should've been.

There were a number of contributing factors that just added up at the worst time; all at the same time. Those I've trusted with the details the two main causes -- who hurt me and what happened. No one who knows the details is happy with those involved. I have never seen so much swearing coming from my friends before; they're that angry on my behalf.

Then we have my digital burnout. I don't think I need to say anything about that; y'all know what has happened. Y'all can see some of the hurtful messages I have received in the days prior to my digital detox break -- at least the ones that don't have their accounts protected. I don't need to tell y'all how overwhelmed I felt but y'all also didn't know this happened during one of the most difficult times in my personal life. (side note: if you hate seeing my updates and prayer requests on Twitter so much, please just unfollow me instead of telling me that no one cares about what I'm going through and/or that no one is going to help me when I ask for prayers. It's incredibly hurtful when all I'm asking for is prayers.)

To everyone who kicked me while I was already down, I want to say: I forgive you. I don't want to feel anger or resentment, though I have. I don't want to blame anyone for causing my breakdown, though others have and still do. I'm simply going to pray for those who hurt me and ask God to merciful.

Have I also mentioned that my car broke down (again; still at the mechanic's), that our check for the rent bounced (and now we have to pay $100+ we don't have due to the error; thanks, Chase!), and that I experienced a strong spiritual attack all on the same day as well? Yes, it all happened at once and within a couple of hours.

Hitting rock bottom is incredibly humbling. At first, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like I deserved it -- all of what happened. Friends will argue with me on those points but that's what I believed. It took a lot of (patiently) walking me through everything that happened to help me get through the worst of it. I now understand that I could have prevented some of it -- up to a point -- but that the bulk of it was out of my hands, I did everything I could to prevent things from ending the way it did. I am so incredibly grateful to God for placing the right people in my path during those dark days because it was really bad.

Going to First Friday adoration last weekend -- though I couldn't stay for the entire hour like I had planned -- was refreshing balm for my weary soul. Immersing myself in scripture, particularly the Psalms, has been the nourishment that has kept me from completely breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization. My regime as a Benedictine Oblate novice -- praying the Divine Office, doing Lectio Divina, and doing everything with God in mind -- has saved me from spiraling down into an even deeper depression.

Providentially, I received my Epiphany gift to myself on the day of the breakdown. That gift? A Benedictine crucifix -- a crucifix with a St. Benedict medal imbedded in it -- blessed and sent by the Benedictine monks at Clear Creek Abbey. It almost felt like God was saying, "Here. You're going to need this. Hold onto it and never forget that the crosses you bear will only bring you closer to Me." And it has felt that way.

Though I hit that wall, God has never been far from my mind. Though my mind might focus on the latest calamity for a minute, I've somehow managed to find God in it.

He's there with me in the arguments and anger, in the tears and sorrow, and in the attacks. He's there with me, reassuring me that it's all going to be okay. No saint went without their trials on this earth. While I'm nowhere near being a saint, I know that God never allows anything to happen which won't sanctify us. I know that if I have to go through this, it's all for a reason.

Perhaps I need to shed vanity, pride, and/or other vices I may have. Perhaps I need to atone for any past sins I might've committed. Perhaps I'm just called to endure suffering to offer it up for others, especially the Church. I don't know the reason (or reasons). I may never know them, but I have no doubt that God is going to use all of this for good because God is good all the time.

The story of Job has been on my mind these last couple of days. I am reminded of how I need to strive to stay faithful to God's commandments and always praise Him for the blessings He has given me, even during the most difficult moments of my life. And, it's not always easy. I've asked God why He has allowed this to happen; why I must suffer. It's a human response to it. I have my moments of "Well, I deserve it", unlike Job who was innocent of wrongdoings. But then I'm reminded that I am a beloved daughter of the Lord's. Just as my earthly father would've hated seeing me in pain and suffering from a broken heart, I know that God does not delight in seeing what is happening. But, as I said, I know that this is all happening for a reason so I accept it. That's when I take refuge in the Psalms, doing Lectio Divina; because I can always find some words of consolation from them.

Just how has my breakdown affected my relationship with God? It has only strengthened it to a degree I didn't know was possible. As I'm writing this, I've reached the point where I'm even grateful for the trials because they have only brought me closer to God.

I meant it when I said that I was prepared to give my heart to God, even if it had to break otherwise. If breaking me down -- making me hit the lowest of the low in a way I had never experienced -- is the way to help me be able to fully give myself to God, then I give thanks for the hardships. I want to belong fully to God and if it means that I have to "start over" (in a sense) from rock bottom then I'm prepared to do that.

After adoration last Friday, I got to chat with a fellow parishioner who helped me see things from a different perspective on one of the main causes of my breakdown. I saw the immense blessings that came from it. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, a ladybug landed on my back (which someone else pointed out because I obviously couldn't see it). It did not want to leave my side. The lovely part of these two things -- the chat and the ladybug -- was that it reminded me of Our Blessed Mother. After all, she was the one who interceded for me -- oh, if I could only tell y'all details of how she blessed me through this crummy situation! Also, legend has it that ladybugs were named after Our Blessed Mother after Catholic farmers asked her intercessions so... hard not to think about her. Having that ladybug on my back felt like Mama Mary saying she also had my back. Badda-tssss.

Things are still a mess. I still have to figure out how to heal, how to move forward, and how to work things out (e.g. the car and rent issues). I'm still very much hurting and fragile. I have to be very careful because I know another big things will push me over the edge and I don't want that to happen. Trust me, it can very easily go there but I have God and Our Lady on my side and I place all my trust in them.

Please, say a prayer for those involved because the two big causes are not pretty and they're not going to go away easily. I pray that those involved have their hearts and minds enlightened by the Holy Spirit to ensure that there is no more hurt inflicting on anyone. One of those people I can (and have) absolutely avoid; the other I cannot, despite everyone's best efforts to put a considerable amount of distance between the two of us.

It's been an incredibly difficult start to 2020 but I know that God will bring good out of this.

Anyway, I hope to write again soon and update y'all with (God willing) better news. For now, I just want to thank everyone who has prayed for me. You have all been in my prayers.

Always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

Starting My Digital Detox: The Rules and the Feelings

Just before I started this blog post, I almost broke down crying. Why? Because I'm overwhelmed and burnt out. Hearing text messages -- especially multiple sent back-to-back, seeing my notifications on social media explode, having people I don't know give their opinions on my life and decisions... it's all too much for me.

When I asked for prayers a couple of weeks ago, stating that I haven't been well for a while, I wasn't kidding. I'm beyond stressed out and my mental and emotional health are barely hanging on. I don't normally share this but I'm going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life right now. I'm also emotionally exhausted from the ups and (mostly) downs of my health ailments. I want to cry all the time and the toll of it all has begun affecting my health as well. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. I've reached my breaking point. That's why I decided, weeks ago, to take a digital detox break. I wish I had started it sooner, though, because I've been on the verge of tears all day today.

I'm so grateful to everyone who follows me and interacts with me on social media... but it seems that I can't post anything these days without at least 3 people contradicting me, telling me what to do, or trying to dissuade me from what I've decided. This is especially true when it comes to health and faith matters. I know most have the best intentions but it's too much for me. I'm going through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and having these types of comments are not helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse.

I didn't want this to be a venting post. I'm sorry if it came across that way but I wanted y'all to understand why I've decided to do this.

So, what will my break (hopefully) look like? Here are my rules for the next month:

Smartphone usage:
- I'm keeping my phone in a separate room from me while I'm at home. It will be kept on "do not disturb" mode all day. The only calls that will go through are from my mother, my older brother, and my best friend (who is in wedding planning stress mode; please say a prayer for her). I'll have the ringer on just for them so I can hear when they call -- and they only call when it's absolutely necessary.
- I will check for important messages and calls for 5 minutes only after each of Divine Office hours. So, after 6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. while I'm awake. After 9 p.m., I won't check messages until the next morning. If I see no messages during my breaks, I'll just move forward with other plans that don't involve my phone.
- I will reply to urgent prayer requests and messages during those 5-minute breaks.
- If someone wants to chat, I will make the time (in advance) to do so. That can be on the phone or in person. Snail mail is also welcomed. This rule applies to only those I know offline or who I've trusted enough with my personal information.
- The only social media app I have on my phone -- Instagram -- will be deleted for the month.

Laptop usage:
I can't completely leave all screens behind for the entire month because, as a freelance writer, I need to do research and submit articles but I will be limiting the use of them overall.
- I will access my email only when I'm on my laptop. The limit will be 3x per day -- once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. The limit will be for 5 minutes during the day breaks and 30 minutes at night.
- I'm leaving all non-work or personal emails for the weekends. I will reply to non-urgent personal emails at the end of the day but anything that comes from a mailing list (e.g. articles and blog posts) will be left until the weekend.
- I will do most of my writing offline and will then transfer it to the appropriate mediums as needed.
- The laptop will be used only to write, research, link, and respond to emails during the week. Once those things have been taken care of, I will turn it off until I need it for productivity reasons. I'm giving myself limited time over the weekend to catch up on articles and blogs.
- All social media posts to links to my articles and blog posts will be sent through Hootsuite and some will get scheduled if I have more than one to share per day.
- I'm avoiding all streaming content all month that isn't necessary for work (and it rarely is). The exception to this rule is when I'm visiting someone who has streaming content on, e.g. a movie or music.
- I've had the Freedom app in place since last year and I will add even more restrictions to it in case of temptations. It's already helped me out a lot since I got it in April. (And, yes, that's an affiliate link; just a heads up.)

TVs and iPods:
- If I want to watch anything, it'll have to be on TV, either via the blu-ray player or the antenna we use to watch local channels.
- In the spirit of the detox, I'm also limiting how often I use these mediums. I'll use them only when there's someone else watching it (e.g. my mother or if a friend visits).
- I will most likely use my iPod touch the most during the break but with the WiFi turned off. I have a ton of music I've purchased over the years downloaded onto it for when I'm away from the radio and/or want to listen to audiobooks. No, audiobooks won't be streamed; they'll be downloaded. Ditto with podcasts.
- I have radio access at home and in my car to listen to Classical KUSC (since it's local) so that also takes care of the possibility of wanting to listen to something new on my monthly break.

I have a lot of plans to keep myself occupied. Even when I'll be resting (because I'm still at the beginning of my physical recovery mode), I'll have physical books to read, a guitar to play, some modern calligraphy to practice (I'm making the place cards for another best friend's wedding), and sewing to learn. Oh, yes, and lots of places to visit and things to do outside the house when I'm able to get out for a little while.

I'm doing this detox for two main reasons:

1) In hopes to disengage from being so hyper-connected in hopes that it will help my mental health. I don't want to have to go through a mental breakdown while trying to recuperate my physical health as well. I need peace. I need quiet. I need to not worry about anything except getting myself healthy once again and doing God's will (more on that in a bit). If I'm bored (and it's good to be bored; it helps with your creativity), I'll just have to opt for high-quality leisure activities after work and prayers are done.

2) Most importantly, in hopes to discern my vocation AND get ready for my Final Act of Oblation in a couple of months. I need to quiet my mind and my heart so that I can hear God more clearly. I may not currently know what my vocation is but I have zero doubts in my mind that I'm called to be an Oblate. Thus, I need to really embrace the Benedictine lifestyle now that I'm not sleeping, bedridden or dealing with other physical obstacles most days like I was for the first couple of months of my novitiate. I need to spend even more time in prayer and doing Lectio Divina. I need to attend Mass and do Holy Hours as frequently as I can. I've given myself the goal to learn the Act of Oblation and other prayers in Latin as well so I have work to do.

There are a number of things I'll be working on during this month to prepare myself -- especially to better myself as a Benedictine Oblate -- but I think I'll leave those details for future blog posts. And, yes, I do firmly intend to blog more often because I have a lot of really exciting things coming up.

So, those are my plans from tomorrow (World Introvert Day) through Candlemas (February 2nd). Once my detox is over, I'll share with y'all my details on how I'll slowly reintroduce social media and other digital devices; what the changes will be and what will be completely eliminated.

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Please say a prayer for me during this time. Of course, I will keep y'all in my prayers as well! I hope to blog again before the week ends but don't quote me on that. There's a couple of things I want to do offline first. That's why I finished and submitted my work yesterday as well; to have the rest of the week off to focus on that. Let's just say that I'm taking "World Introvert Day" seriously tomorrow and I might extend it through the weekend. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve and Day. Merry Christmas (until Candlemas for me but Epiphany for most Catholics).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I've Decided to Pray Like a Child

As I got through the rest of the Catechism (took me 2.5 years, on and off, but I finished it!) and reading Too Deep for Words: Rediscovering Lectio Divina by Thelma Hall, I became aware of how poor my prayers can be. I'm not saying that I don't do it -- I literally schedule time out of my day to pray at least twice a day (morning and night) -- but sometimes I just pray without really paying attention to the words I'm saying.

Some days (really, most days), I get easily distracted while praying. When I read about how we, as children, pray without really paying attention to the words, I recalled how it was the opposite for me. As a child, I really got into the words in each of the prayers... and this was early as 5-7 years old; certainly before my First Communion at age 8. It was when I remembered how much I loved it as a child that I decided to pray more like a child and less like a busy, distracted adult.

Those who've read the Catechism of the Catholic Church know how beautifully it breaks the Our Father. As I read it, I kept remembering about how I used to pray it as a little girl. This prayer has a special place in my heart because it was my favorite prayer when I was a little lady. Being raised bilingual (thank you, mom and dad!) I learned it in both Spanish and English but praying it in English always sparked my imagination.

When we attended Mass, I would be mesmerized by the words in the prayer. In my vivid imagination, I would break down the prayer, line by line, and actually try to imagine what the words meant... as much as I could understand them at that age. I still remember, 20+ years later, exactly what used to come to mind: sun shining down on grassy hills, full of birds, trees, and (really) the natural beauty God has blessed us with. And then, as the prayer continued, I would imagine bread being broken, forgiving people... basically, whatever was being prayed.

Fast forward 20+ years... it's not the same. My faith and knowledge has grown but I have yet to pray as I did as a child. These days I sometimes rush through prayers because of poor time management. Other days I let other things like text messages, whatever is TV, or online distract me. I'm not proud of it but it's reality. The closest I get to praying as I used to is during the Rosary. I can sometimes very easily visualize each mystery (that vivid imagination of mine still exists though it is only tapped into when I write). The Sorrowful Mysteries will reduce me to tears every time that I can put all my attention on it. But, still, it's not the same.

When I realized all of these things, I decided to revert back to how I used to pray when I was a little lady. There were less distractions... distractions, which, really, are mostly due to technology. Technology isn't bad but we have to be careful with how we use it... especially when social media is involved. Unfortunately, I've used the excuse that a majority of my friends have moved away from L.A./So Cal as an excuse to overuse social media. "I need to stay in touch with everyone," I say as an excuse. No, Emmy. Stop.

I've noticed that pacing/walking around my apartment while I pray helps me focus on the words. I need to physically remove myself from my room (where I have a TV; where I leave my laptop, iPod touch, and cell phone) and I pace around the living room while I pray in the morning. At night, I wait for my mom to go to sleep (she has the best timing and manages to interrupt my prayers on her days off so I've learned to work around her schedule) and then I do my nighttime prayers with more pacing. It's getting easier for me to do this... except now I have to learn how to work with distracting thoughts.

My spiritual director has suggested that I allow the distracting thoughts pop into my mind while I pray. As soon as I figure out why they've come up, I can push it to one side and continue praying. Sometimes these thoughts come up for a reason. It's been working lately (the stopping, dealing with the thought, and then resuming prayers) and I hope that I eventually get the hang of it so I can focus more on the prayers in between distractions. Baby steps, y'all.

I know that these changes I've decided to implement won't happen overnight and that's okay. As we grow in our prayer life, we find out what works and what doesn't work for us. I've learned what causes distractions (technology, worries, hungry, sleepiness, certain times of the day when the apartment building is as its noisiest, etc.) and I've been reminded that using my imagination to visualize the words of the prayers helps the words have more meaning to me. Now let's see how long it takes me to improve my prayers and prayer time. :)

Anyway, this was just something I've been wanting to write about for a couple of days now but hadn't had a chance to because of a busy schedule. :)

Alright... this is my blog post for today. I'm trying to wean myself off of social media and being online most of the day so I should give my laptop a break. Yes, I will still live tweet the USWNT and other football (soccer) matches later today and this weekend. Hello, it's me. ;) In the meantime... I've downloaded two audiobooks and I have a mountain of books to read before the start of grad school so I can stay away from my laptop and social media without much trouble. Again, baby steps. ;)

I hope y'all had a great week and have an equally great or better weekend. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #29: Prayer, Saints, and Love

This has been the most fruitful week of Lent for me... and you will see why.

1) If you've been wondering if my prayer life has gotten better, the answer is "yes"... and "no." I am back on track with both my morning and nighttime prayers, and I'm finding more time to pray for others and not just my own selfish intentions... but I still have a lot of work to do. I have not yet gotten into doing Lectio Divina because I've been either working on the first novel (so many adverbs!) or because I've been trying to cross things off of my "to-do" list. The novenas I've been doing lately are helping me stay more focused on praying though. The St. Padre Pio (yes, I know it's St. Pio but I like using Padre Pio) novena begins today... and I am thinking about starting one to St. Therese as she's been on my mind and heart lately. I hope both will help me make prayer a bigger priority in my life.

2) I've use A Lenten Journey with Jesus Christ and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. book for the past couple of Lents because it packs a lot of punch in just two pages every day. I sent a copy to a good friend who has a newborn because I feel like it's the perfect amount of reading for busy people... yet it doesn't skimp on the message. I feel like I always learn a lot from St. Therese during Lent. She's been my heavenly buddy for years but it's during Lent that she really opens my eyes and my heart to the Lord. I am not sure why this is but I love it. I have been considering doing a new novena to her because I feel like I need one of her roses with an on-going situation. I just need some guidance and she's never let me down before. The last time I asked her for a rose, I got one... on her feast day. :)

3) I know I rarely touch on the topic but I will this one time. I've learned from my Spiritual Director that I'm single because I've chosen it without even thinking about it. See, I've unconsciously closed myself off to possibilities because I've had a fear of not finding the right guy... and thus not trusting God enough in taking care of me in this part of my life and vocation. I didn't even think that the problem was with me until Fr. G made me realize it right before Lent began. After that, and after being asked for advice by others, everything changed for me. The past couple of days have been extra eye opening for me because I feel as though the Holy Spirit has been using those close to me to make me aware of my thoughts and my feelings regarding the subject. It's been very fruitful. And that's all I'm going to say about that. lol.

And these are the three big topics that have been on my mind lately. Gotta love how Lent makes you confront certain hard topics head on. No, really... I actually love it. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!