Living The Benedictine Oblate (Novice) Life While Sick

Picture after the Oblate novitiate ceremony and scapular investiture; this marked the official beginning of my novitiate.

This morning, I heard from my Oblate master and it filled my heart with such a beautiful and immense peace and joy. I wish I had the ability to express just how lovely it felt to receive that email.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email detailing my health journey. I mean, I also asked him questions about how to strengthen my spiritual life, but I updated him on life so he'd know what to advise. Today, I received a follow-up that made me very happy.

Since they're very busy out in Norcia (yes, they're still building their new monastery after the 2016 earthquake leveled their monastery; please feel free to donate here), I don't expect to hear from him often but I am always filled with joy when I do.

After receiving the email (and replying to it), it dawned on me that I haven't really talked about my oblate novitiate journey in the middle of all my health struggles. In fact, I think most people will be surprised to hear that I'm still continuing my journey considering how poorly my health has been lately. Well, let me reassure you that I'm still going forward... and I'll share with you a few theories that have been thrown around amongst my friends (a little later) of how the two are connected.

As the Benedictine motto ("Ora et labora"; pray and work) suggests, two of the pillars of the spirituality are work and prayer. As Oblate attached to this particular monastery, I'm also to embrace penance (more on this in a bit), charity (especially towards the poor and the unfortunate), chastity, keep up the days of fasting and abstinence, and work on being obedient. I'm also to detach myself from the world (be a part of it but not of it) and reject pride.

What I've been focusing on in my current state has been prayer and obedience. Actually, obedience has been the biggest focal point for me these last couple of weeks because I've been actively discerning my vocation for the last couple of months. The only thing I'm going to say about that is that I'm incredibly happy with where God seems to be leading me. Of course, credit goes to my Oblate master who encouraged me to go forward with it at our retreat. I knew there would be obstacles (even before the health issues began) but it's been such a beautiful experience so far and I have no doubts I'm doing God's will for me. Finally! I have confidence in something I'm doing! lol.

The obedience part of the vocation discernment is sometimes hard because my spiritual director occasionally tells me to do something that I don't technically want to do but know I have to do. That's the beauty of obedience: you break your own selfishness and passions in order to follow the wisdom of those who know better than you; those who care about the state of your soul and want to see you doing the right thing in your discernment.

The prayer part of my life has been the easiest for me to maintain because of the routine I had established prior to my Oblate novitiate. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (sometimes the little Benedictine Office) at least twice daily, or more if I'm able to. For example, today I've able to do all the hours so far, except Terce because I fell asleep for a little while. I pray the Rosary daily. I have a number of prayers that I know by heart and can do while I'm blinded by lights (the photophobia has been my biggest enemy lately) and have to wait to regain my eyesight once again. If it wasn't for prayer, I probably wouldn't be able to go through some of the obstacles I've encountered recently.

For obvious reasons, the "work" part has had to be modified to fit with what I'm capable of doing with my worsening eyesight and my overall fatigue and physical limitations. I still write for Epic Pew and Catholic Chemistry when I'm able to; though I've had to take a couple of weeks off here and there when I'm not doing too well. Thankfully, both editors are great and understanding if I'm late with deadlines or if I need a couple of breaks writing. God bless them both!

I also try to keep my family duties as well as I can. I help run errands when my eyesight and fatigue cooperate with me. I keep the financial budget as well as I can. I drive my mom to work every morning, except on days when I'm completely blind in the morning and it's extremely dangerous for me to try to drive. As my health begins to stabilize, I'll be adding more of the housekeeping duties I usually have. At the moment, my only big ailment is my eyesight; the low blood pressure fainting spells and the physical weakness have both gotten better in recent weeks.

I know I need to work on Lectio Divina (another pillar of the Benedictine spirituality) and Mass attendance. I'm sure you can guess why I've been failing at these two -- my worsening eyesight AND health problems that have left me housebound for several days at a time. In fact, I spend most of my days in bed, with my adjustable bed base reclined up so I can sit more comfortably. Still, if I can go to confession and/or Mass, I go! I also try to get the daily Mass readings in, even if I have to highlight it and have Siri read it to me when my eyesight is particularly bad.

The scrupulous side of me is anxious about failing at these two things because they're such a major part of the Oblate life. At the same time, I also remind myself that I can only do so much with what I have going on. I try to not be hard on myself because, honestly, there is only so much screen and/or reading I can do before my eyes have had enough for the day. Some days, I have to keep my eyes closed for most of the day (enter Catholic podcasts and audiobooks for company) because my eyesight is just completely horrendous. For now, I'll continue to pray that I have little pockets of good eyesight time to be able to get myself to Mass and/or do Lectio Divina more regularly.

Having said all of that, yes, I absolutely still firmly intend to go forward with my novitiate as planned. I also still plan to attend the annual retreat next year and make my final Act of Oblation. I have a couple of friends who have a theory that all of this is happening because of my novitiate discernment. My health issues didn't really start until a week before I left for my retreat and, if you remember, I had my first ER visit during the retreat. You know... like someone (or something) doesn't want me to go forward with this for some reason. Anyway, just putting that theory out there. You draw your own conclusions. Since St. Benedict is now my spiritual father, I will let him intercede for me as necessary. God's will be done, no one else's.

I think that's as "in a nutshell" as I can get. I tried to keep it as short as I could. God willing (and my eyesight and health cooperating), I will be getting back into my blogging groove this month. Again, God willing. I've been doing the 54-day Rosary novena with my eyesight as my first intention so we'll see just what miracles Our Lady will do for me. Even if it's not a full restoration of my eyesight, I know I will receive the graces necessary to cope with whatever is ahead of me.

Of course, I will keep y'all updated on both my Oblate novitiate (especially now that I've remembered to do so; mea culpa!) and my health journeys!

Please keep me (and particularly my eyesight and the ophthalmologists treating me) in your prayers this next month as we hope to finally get some answers with the latest round of blood work tests and a new MRI scheduled for next week.

And, that's it for now. I have to go grocery shopping because I've run out of food. I was waiting for my mom to get home so I would have an extra pair of eyes with me; it's best while my eyesight is wonky.

I hope you've all been well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Benedictine Journey: From the Beginning to the GoFundMe Fundraiser

This past Saturday I opened up a GoFundMe account to help raise the Oblate novitiate trip funds. I exhausted all other options and had a number of people suggest fundraising the trip that way so I thought, "Why not?" Before I opened it, though, I did the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena in honor of his birthday. It ended on Friday and I opened up the account on his birthday, Saturday the 6th. I prayed, "If it's God's will for me and if it will enrich my spiritual life, please intercede and help me raise the funds."

I was at peace when I opened the account. "Even if I only get $300, it'll be a big help," I kept telling myself. Counting what I have in savings, I thought I'd need roughly $800 more, which was the goal I set. GoFundMe suggested I ask for $1,000 but I didn't want to take advantage of others' generosities. I knew $800 would be what I needed. Yes, GoFundMe took a small chunk out of the donations (yes, they charge you a percentage so I won't get the full $800) but I didn't want to be greedy. Never in my wildest dreams did I think those $800 would be raised in only 11 hours! I thought it was going to take a couple of weeks, to be honest. I even took this screenshot when I got home (after getting an email that the trip was funded) to preserve that memory.

I remain speechless and incredibly grateful to everyone who donated and prayed for me. I had complete strangers donate... something I'm still trying to wrap my head around. I teared up... and I still want to tear up as I write this.

Some of the kind people who donated don't know my Benedictine Oblate journey (or me, at all) so I thought I'd share it. I'll try to keep it short and sweet because y'all know I have a tendency to write a little too much. lol. The longer version of the explanation on how I settled on the Benedictines can be read here: Becoming Benedictine.

As I wrote on the GoFundMe (side note: I keep typing "GodFundMe," lol) page, this journey began 4-5 years ago. I had initially been attracted to the Dominicans and the Carmelites. My (then) spiritual director thought the Dominicans would be a good fit for my academically-inclined nature but, as the time went on, he encouraged me to reconsider the Benedictines; he saw what I didn't -- that they were going to be the perfect fit for me. As advised, I waited until I finished school to really discern joining a third order as a laywoman since I have no religious vocation (*le sigh*). 

When I heard about the earthquake in Norcia in late 2016, something stirred up in me. I still can't explain it but it felt very personal to me -- like it had deeply affected me even though I didn't have any ties to them. So, when I put my novels up for sale that winter, I donated all my royalties (and a little more from me) to their efforts to rebuild their lives in Norcia. I felt like my heart belonged to that little town, not knowing that, 2 years later I would reach out to them about possibly becoming an Oblate attached to their monastery.

During Lent 2018, after reading the Rule of St. Benedict and The Benedict Option by Rod Dreher, I dug deeper into learning as much as I could about the Benedictine spirituality. The more I learned,  the more at home I felt. Then I had an American Benedictine Oblate reach out to me about helping her connect with a Spanish author; an Oblate attached to Norcia. I took it as a sign to move forward with it -- starting my Oblate journey.

I began sending inquiries to monasteries that accepted distance oblates since the Benedictine monastery in the L.A. Archdiocese was not the right fit for me. I reached out to the Monks of Norcia and the ones at Clear Creek Abbey in Oklahoma. I heard from Clear Creek first (and more often) but there were too many obstacles over several months that made it clear that it wouldn't work out.

I had to wait to hear from Norcia but it was well worth it in the end. I would go several weeks and/or months between emails but I never gave up hope. I had already implemented part of what is required of an Oblate into my daily life (e.g. Divine Office, Lectio Divina, etc.). While I got impatient at times, I still trusted that God would help guide me. If He was making me wait, it was for a reason. Perhaps I needed to be 100% sure that this is what I wanted. Maybe I needed to work on my patience. Perhaps I needed to make the changes necessary to prove to myself that I could handle what is asked of an Oblate. 

Then I received the news that I would be able to begin my novitiate over the summer and I was overjoyed! Then I was a little worried, "How am I going to pay for this trip?" I asked around and no one had any other suggestions except to create a GoFundMe account. I waited until the end of the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena to make it and, well, we know the results from it! I even laughed (with tears in my eyes) and said, "Bl. Pier Giorgio, aren't I supposed to give you a gift, not the other way around?" I also thought to myself, "If I needed a clear sign that this was God's will for me, there's absolutely no doubt now!"

As I've said before, I've never felt more at peace about any decision in my life as I do about becoming a Benedictine oblate attached to the monastery at Norcia. This is where I feel like my heart is at; this is where my spiritual home will be at.

I still laugh about all the little seeds that were planted and all the little coincidences (or were they?) along the way; things I didn't notice until much later. 

All the St. Benedict dreams I've had for over a decade. Seriously, you can read some of the dreams I shared by searching "St. Benedict" in the blog's search feature on the upper left-hand corner.

The fact that my father was born the day after St. Benedict's traditional feast day (March 21st) and the fact that he died the day of his new feast day (July 11th). It almost seems like St. Benedict was meant to become my spiritual father. 

The way my former spiritual director redirected me to the Benedictines (more than once), a full 3 years before I seriously reconsidered them. 

I'm sure the fact that everything seems to move forward during Lent (like it has for the past two Lenten seasons) also means something I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps it's a metaphor for leaving my old life behind and having to sacrifice some of the creature comforts and selfish habits to begin this new life; one in which God will be even more present and at the center of my life.

Oh! And some quick answers to questions I've been asked about being a Benedictine oblate:

1) Yes, it's fine for women to attach themselves as Oblates to an all-male monastery such as Norcia because we won't be living with them. The monasteries become our spiritual homes and we're considering part of their community but we live out in the world. If we're able to, we'll make an annual trip to see them and reconnect with our spiritual home. In the case of Norcia, we American Oblates have the option of making an annual retreat in the States when the Oblate director visits since an annual trip to Italy isn't always possible.

2) No, it doesn't mean I'm becoming a religious sister. I'll remain a laywoman, living in the world but not of this world. I will live my life according to the Holy Rule, spending most of my time in prayer, studying/reading Scripture, and working in whatever field God wants me in. Since I'm not married nor do I have children -- and I'm still trying to recuperate from my recent health relapse -- my work is freelance writing and helping my other keep our household clean. I will also make hospitality and serving others a big part of my life, especially at my parish. In fact, once I have a little more energy and physical strength, I will be serving others in various ways during my free time (which I have a lot of).

I don't know whether I'll eventually marry or remain single but it won't be affected (or vice versa) by my being an Oblate. On the contrary, I believe it will enrich whichever vocation God has in store for me. If I'm meant to be a wife and mother someday, being an Oblate will prepare me to become less selfish, more giving/serving, and to not be afraid of the hard work that comes with the vocation. Likewise, if I'm meant to be single, I'll be prepared to work hard to support myself, to step outside of my own selfishness by serving others in need, and to pray for and offer up as much as I can for not only my spiritual home but all of the Church in general.

Here's a brief explanation about third orders (including what is required of Oblates) by Elizabeth Scalia for those still wondering about it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say a massive "thank you!" to everyone who donated and prayed for me. Since this summer's trip has already been funded, I can now begin to save up (little by little) for next year's trip when I will (God willing) be making my final Act of Oblation and become an official/full-fledged Oblate. Prayers that I find more work for that trip would be greatly appreciated. I have a little over a year to save up so here's hoping! 

Again, thank you for everything. I'm so eternally grateful to those of you who donated, prayed and shared the link. Thank you to my Heavenly friends, St. Frances of Rome, St. Benedict, and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati for all the intercessions and the prayers. Also, seriously, someone please canonize Bl. Pier Giorgio already! lol. 

I will keep y'all in the loop as I make progress in my Benedictine journey but, for now, that's all.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and have a wonderful week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Becoming Benedictine

I've had Sara Bareilles' "I Choose You" stuck in my head for the past couple of days. As I drowsily wake up from whatever dream (or nightmare) I'm having, the chorus keeps repeating in my mind...

"Tell the world that we finally got it all right,
I choose you.
I will become yours and you will become mine,
I choose you..."

What does this song have to do with the blog title? Well, perhaps the fact that after years of going back and forth on third orders (it was a tie between lay Carmelites and third order Dominicans with the Dominicans edging them out in recent years), I've finally settled on a lay order that (seemingly) came out of nowhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've finally decided on becoming a Benedictine oblate.

"Wait, Benedictine?" you may be asking me. "Since when were they on the radar?" It's kind of a long story but I'll try to condense it for y'all.

When I first got the idea to look into third orders -- when I was sure I wasn't called to become a religious sister -- I looked at ALL the third/lay orders. I will admit that I dismissed the Benedictine oblates because they didn't seem to be a right fit for me. Even my spiritual director at that time thought I was a good fit for the Dominicans because of my academically-inclined mind and nature. My favorite saint (well, blessed), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, was a lay Dominican. I loved St. Catherine of Siena. I had a fire to teach others about the faith and defend it, especially when I was an undergrad at my CINO (Catholic in name only) college. With one of my dearest friends discerning his vocation with the Discalced Carmelite Friars and so many of my friends leaning Carmelite -- as well as finding a kindred spirit in St. Therese of Lisieux -- I also considered the Carmelites as frontrunners. I think I kept going back and forth between these two orders because, as much as I loved the people associated with them and the orders themselves, neither felt like the right fit for me.

How did the Benedictines win me over? I believe it started with reading The Benedict Option by Rob Dreher last Lent. Yes, I know... I know. A controversial book, but I got my first real taste of Benedictine spiritually from it. After reading it, I was intrigued to learn more about the order so I read The Rule of Saint Benedict. All this happened last Lent. Little did I know that everything (and I mean everything) that began last Lent had planted the seeds for what I was going to go through for the rest of the year. I had no idea that it meant me also choosing to become a Benedictine oblate before this year's Lenten season began.

When I knew I was finished with school, my former spiritual director's words kept coming back to my mind, "Wait until you finish school to discern. Wait until you finish school to discern..." Then I met a lovely lady who talked about discerning with the Monks of Norcia and it all clicked for me... including the thought of discerning with them as well. There has always been something about them that has a struck a chord with me (those who have been reading this blog long enough may remember I even donated my entire royalty check (and then some) of the last novel sale of 2016 to their earthquake relief fund).

I'm lucky that they accept overseas oblates. It will mean a lot of hard work in the future because it will mean that I'll have to make a trip out to Italy once a year but I'm willing to do all the work to make it happen. (btw, if you do want to make a trip to visit them -- even if you aren't a discerning oblate -- there's one coming up this year). I've also looked into the local Benedictines (at St. Andrew's Abbey) but there's something in my heart that really wants my discernment to be with the Monks of Norcia. I've already contacted them and now I have to wait to see what happens.

If you're wondering if there was one specific thing that sold me on the Benedictines, the answer is "no." I took a lot of things into consideration: their spirituality, what was required of its oblates, the orthodoxy of the particular abbey, my strengths, my weaknesses, my temperament, what gifts God has given me, what I felt He has planted in my heart (which I have yet to share with the world), where I felt He was leading me to, etc. Most importantly, I didn't do it on a whim... which I tend to do when I get excited about things. I took the time to think about it, research it, pray about it, and make sure it felt like the path God was leading me down on.

And so my journey begins. I don't know where it'll end but I've felt both very excited and at peace about this decision for a while now. I can't wait to see what God store in store for me. :)

That's it for now. I'm still feeling weak and terrible (I've actually written this blog post in parts over the past 2-3 days.

I hope you all have a lovely week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Will and Lina Novels on Sale; Proceeds Being Donated

Copyright: Danica Clark Photography

Just a quick post to let y'all (not on social media) know that the Will and Lina novels are either already on sale (When Two Worlds Collide) and will be going on sale tomorrow (London Calling). I do this for the publication anniversary for both novels. London Calling will be celebrating 2 years of publication on Thursday. As per every May and December, I will be donating the proceeds. I had it in my heart to donate the royalties from this sale to the Monks of Norcia and their earthquake relief fund. Only the Kindle versions of the novels will be going on sale for 99 cents each but I will also donate anything earned from the paperback version (not on sale) as well. The sales go for a week each; Amazon has a "countdown deal" on the novel's individual pages so you know how much longer the sale will be going on for.

Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide (1st novel)
- Kindle: https://smile.amazon.com/Will-Lina-When-Worlds-Collide-ebook/dp/B00K2RBYJ2/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1482275622&sr=8-2
- Paperback: https://smile.amazon.com/Will-Lina-When-Worlds-Collide/dp/1505373727/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1482275622&sr=8-2&keywords=Will+and+Lina

Will and Lina: London Calling (2nd novel; on sale tomorrow morning)

- Kindle: https://smile.amazon.com/Will-Lina-Calling-Melissa-Cecilia-ebook/dp/B00RC56PAK/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1482275622&sr=8-1

- Paperback: https://smile.amazon.com/Will-Lina-Calling-Melissa-Cecilia/dp/1505487404/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482275622&sr=8-1&keywords=Will+and+Lina

I do have news about a future novel that I hope to share before the week is over. It's not part of the Will and Lina series but I do love the direction it's going in... and I love that the idea came to me while I was praying the Rosary novena a couple of weeks ago. ;)

Alright, that's it for now. I'm trying to finish Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II's Love and Responsibility by Edward Sri. I'm hooked but haven't found the time to read it in large chunks of time so... gotta make that time. ;)

I hope everyone is having a lovely start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D