So Long (For Now), Twitter...

I was back on Twitter for only a week but it was enough for me to know that I had to cut it out of my life again... and for a longer period of time than a single month. I had actually begun contemplating another break -- one during Lent -- a few days ago. However, after being reminded of how negative and rude people are on the site, I knew my days were numbers as of tonight.

You can call me thin-skinned... sensitive... whatever you want. That's fine. I am sensitive, especially to others' words. I don't think people understand just how much power words carry; how it can be sharper and more damaging than a sword. I believe in using words to build others up instead of tearing them down. I also believe in being open and honest, especially since you never know when someone is silently going through something similar and may need to hear/read your words to know they're not alone. That's just how I am. However, I was just reminded of just easy it is for people to take your good intentions and twist them into something ugly. That's part of the reason why I decided to step away from Twitter.

You know what the funny thing is? I can handle words in person better than I do online. I have no idea why that is; perhaps because I can see the facial expressions and hear the tone in voices of people who say what they say. Perhaps putting a face to the words helps remind me of the human nature and of how people sometimes have bad days or are going through struggles. That's a downside to the online world; it's all depersonalized and that somehow makes it harder for me to remember these things.

The other reason for my leaving is one that I've already spoken about; the issue of humility and the temptation to spend too much time on it. One week was enough for me to see that I can't handle Twitter in a healthy manner. I can't do moderation with it. Seeing those likes and comments is an ego-boost that I can do without. If I could delete the account, I would. For work reasons, I cannot so it'll remain up until I no longer need it for work.

I'm beyond grateful for the wonderful friends I've met through it in the past 12 years I've been on it. Yes, 12 years! Thanks to it I found my "Holy Women Squad" as we've been nicknamed (a name I borrowed from a friend; I didn't come up with it myself). Thanks to it, I've learned so many things. I've found support and encouragement during difficult times. I'm so grateful for all the good that Twitter has to offer... but I honestly cannot deal with it right now. I now understand why a Carmelite friar friend was banned from social media for the first year (or two, I forget the length) of his novitiate. I now understand why some of the friends I look to for inspiration on how to live 

I'm not saying "goodbye" to all social media. I can handle Instagram because of the few people I follow. I'm cutting back on Facebook a bit but that's only because I don't use it much to begin with. Those are the only two other social media platforms I use so it'll be easier to manage.

I'll still post links and things to Twitter via Hootsuite. It won't be just of my own articles and IG posts but other things that I think others will enjoy... without dreading the little notifications bell being lit up. Of course, I'll be praying for everyone as well.

With it being Septuagesima Sunday, I think it's the perfect time to look at what brings me closer to God and what doesn't. Being on Twitter doesn't. It makes me angry. It makes me feel hurt. It brings out the worst in me. I don't want that for myself nor do I want anyone to experience that from me. So, this is a "so long (for now), Twitter." I don't know when I'll feel ready to return but it's clear that I came back way too soon.

To those who enriched my experience on it, thank you! To those who didn't, I forgive you. To those I've angered or hurt with my own words, even if done completely unintentionally, I ask for your forgiveness as well. I pray for you all, regardless of my interactions with you.

Anyway, just a little post for now.

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

Why I Decided to Leave "Catholic Twitter"

No, that isn't a clickbait title; I really am going to tell you why I decided to leave "Catholic Twitter."

First, I want to say that this blog post (though not the decision which was made weeks ago) was inspired by this Twitter thread by an online friend who seems to have had a similar experience to mine.

I've been on Twitter for over a decade. "But your account is only months old!" you may argue, looking at my account details. If this is you, you're a new follower who didn't know me as "nerdwriter"... the girl who refused to use her actual picture as her avatar... who was known as "Emmy" for years before she used her given name. My current account is a second public account I created after I deleted my first one, which I had from January 2008 until October 2017. I probably would've stayed off of Twitter for good except I returned to freelance writing and I needed a public social media account.

In the decade-plus I've been on Twitter, I've seen the evolution of "Catholic Twitter." In the beginning, there were a couple of us who were Catholics and found each other and made a little online community. Matthew Warner (creator of Flock Note) created a list of Catholic folks on Twitter and we all begin following other Catholics. We were a nice, little group for a while before Twitter really exploded.

I still remember the "great flirt-a-thon" of 2010 and again in 2012-13 when single Catholics were testing each other to see who fancied each other. I managed to survive that, thankyouverymuch. lol. I remember the camaraderie... the support... the laughter. I remember the hours-long conversations some of us had between 2009 and 2012. I remember the massive support I got when my father passed away in July 2009. I still get warm fuzzies thinking about the congratulations when I (finally!) graduated college after years of putting off my degree to help take care of my dad as well as taking care of myself. Those days have been long gone and I do miss them.

Some of you may be new to Twitter so you may not remember a time when "trad" Catholic Twitter, "weird" Catholic Twitter, "liberal" Catholic Twitter, and *insert adjective* Catholic Twitter didn't exist but it existed. None of us judged each other based on our liturgical preferences. When we disagreed, it was done respectfully. There were no memes, no ridiculous online lingo, and (most importantly) no division.

I'm not sure when "the great divide" occurred but it's only gotten worse in recent years. Sometimes I feel like I can't say anything because I'll get attacked... and I do, sometimes. I will ask or say something without malice or bad intention and someone will twist my words and make it into something ugly. I hate that. I love people and can usually let things slide but, golly, even I have my limits.

Several weeks ago, I was attacked over something that was so insignificant and innocent that I knew I had to leave "Catholic Twitter." Of course, you can't actually leave it in a physical sense but I've opted to be careful about who I follow (muting account and unfollowing others). I don't pay attention to all the tweets I see on my timeline either because some of it is just toxic to my spiritual life.

Look, I get it. I get looking for and following people with whom I agree with because they understand you. I know how much "easier" life is when you surround yourself with like-minded people. However, it can also become dangerous. You can beginning thinking that your way is right and the other person is wrong; "how are *insert name* think that?!"

I make it clear that I prefer the Extraordinary Form Mass. If I can't get one, a solemn OF Mass will suffice. I don't like the clapping, the music, and a number of other things but I will take one of those Masses over no Mass at all. Still, if I can get myself to a Latin Mass, it's my preference by a long shot. I veil or, at the very least, keep my head covered with a beret, scarf, or hat. Sure, I also prefer the "feminine way of dressing" (read: dresses and skirts) as well, which somehow is associated mostly with the "trads." I prefer the "traditional" in my liturgical preferences so I say I "lean trad" but that's as far as I'll go in labeling myself... and I'm still not comfortable doing it.

I don't align myself with the "trad" community online because of poor experiences I've had in recent years. I won't hash things out. I'll just say that, spiritually, it's unhealthy for me to only read blogs, interact with social media accounts, and/or surround myself with "rad trads" that lean so far right that there's a lot of mud-slinging at other Catholics and even Pope Francis. Do I agree with everything he says and does? No, but, whether you like it or not, he's still the Pope so let's show a bit of respect for him as the vicar of Christ, huh?

I also don't align myself with the "liberal" community. Sure, I believe in purchasing ethically (which is apparently a pet cause of the "Catholic left") but it has more to do with upholding the dignity of the human beings that create and/or harvest goods I purchase. This will be a future blog post itself. I still wear pants which is apparently a "trad Catholic" no-no. Sorry, but I need my sweats when I drive my mom to work at 4 a.m. during the winter months. Likewise, I wear shorts (albeit, Bermuda style that go down closer to the knees) because heat and I don't mix. This is also a "no-no" in some trad Catholic circles and I'll get called out for it. I believe in respect for my fellow human beings despite differences in our beliefs. That doesn't mean I'm also not above respectful fraternal correction when it comes to official Church matters; I just do it in a way that would make St. Francis de Sales (the "gentleman saint") proud.

And here's the thing: there's virtually no middle ground on Twitter or, really, online. You either lean one way or the other. If you opt to do what I have -- and refuse to "join" either side -- you're basically ostracized because of the whole "us versus them" mentality. If you say you like the Latin Mass, "Oh! Trad!" If you mention ethical purchases or "green" products, "Definitely liberal!" It's like we're in high school all over again. Good grief, y'all!

That's why I decided to leave "Catholic Twitter" and why I rarely interact on Twitter these days. It's not worth it. I will continue to tweet links to articles I think others will appreciate. I will continue to share saint quotes that speak to me (and which I think others need to hear; I feel you, Holy Spirit). I will also try to interact when things are calm but I have no qualms about "bolting" if things get heated and arguments pop up. I refuse to buy into that kind of mentality.

I'm not judging you if you have decided to align yourself with one of these online communities; I'm just saying why I decided not to. I can easily fall into scrupulosity and I can have a short temper on my off days (doesn't happen often but it can) so I'd rather not risk it. Being on social media -- and especially Twitter -- for too long usually means I have a lot more to add to my list for the confessional. I don't like it. For my own spiritual wellbeing, I'm going to "do me" and try to share things that I think (and hope!) will glorify God in some small way and not get into it with anyone else.

Anyway, I've been wanting to say something about this for a while but I didn't get the courage to do it until now. That and the time; I'm short on time sometimes. ;)

That's it for now. OH! Novel sequel sale ends tomorrow! I was forgetting about that. lol.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Online Inauthenticity and Temptations

This past week, I got the chance to research and write about the internet's patron saint, St. Isidore of Seville, for EpicPew. Why? Why not?! As someone who has a serious love-hate relationship with several online things (especially social media), I thought it would be good to learn a little more about who the patron was and why he was the patron saint. I won't reiterate what I wrote but you can definitely check it out here.

One thing that has really struck me lately is the lack of authenticity and how caught up in it we are without really realizing it. I'm not immune to it. I try to be as real and open as possible on this blog but that doesn't mean I don't also go with the - let's say - more flattering pictures posted on social media. Am I really that vain or is it just a fear of the judgment? I'd say it's fear of judgment but perhaps it's both... and it's made me uncomfortable either way.

I usually don't take selfies very often. The picture I had on Twitter before I changed it this week was nearly 3 years old and the new one was taken when I cut my hair two days ago. Still, it felt inauthentic to me. I tried to counteract that with a series of videos (to friends) on the topic on social media in which I wore no makeup and hadn't brushed my hair. I promise I didn't look like a complete mess but I felt a bit better. I normally don't wear makeup and I have my hair up and away from my face.

That incident made me think about how I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable online. Sure, it's been a sort-of lifeline for me since it's what I use to communicate with friends these days. We're all so hyper-connected that, if it's not said on social media, it probably won't be said at all.

I'm a social introvert; I need socializing as much as I need my own solo time to recharge my batteries. With my friends having moved away from L.A. and/or living across the globe (my best friend lives in Italy), it's hard to try to get everyone together, face-to-face. I went 8 months without seeing a single one of my friends, remember? Without the use of social media, I would have a lonelier existence... but I still hate it.

I hate that we rely on social media so much. I hate that it's increasingly difficult to get together with friends -- even those who live within reasonable driving distance. I hate that I hate the online world because it usually affects me much more than I'd like to admit.

I'm an HSP; I absorb people's feelings and moods very easily. Not only that, the feelings will linger for hours or even through the end of the day. The smallest amount of negativity will ruin my day. What's the internet and social media famous for? The infighting, even amongst us Catholics. It makes it hard for me to shake off the bummer mood. Why do you think I read and write so much? It provides distractions and keeps my mind busy when I've had enough of the internet.

I may (thankfully!) not have the temptation to look at pornography, to seek out fights, to troll people, to do anything damaging... but the temptation to live my life online and to fall into the trap of only sharing the "best" side of myself is still a temptation I struggle with.

A couple of months ago (side note: this post has been in the drafts box since the second week of January) I read an open letter to Benedictine oblates on the internet and social media (which is worth a read!) and I saw this prayer that I've personally written out for myself to use because, let's face, we all face temptations every time we get online.

"O God, who hast taught us to make use of the things of this life as if we used them not (1 Cor 7), grant me wisdom and discernment in my use of the tools of knowledge and communication, for the form of this world is passing away (ibid.). Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth (Ps 140); preserve thou my mind from aimless curiosity; turn away my eyes from beholding vanity, and pierce thou my flesh with thy fear (Ps 118). Chasten thou all my discourse, lest any word of mine bring harm to me or to my neighbour. Make my heart like unto a fortified city, that filled with thy loving mercy, I may praise thee with pure lips: Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come (Apoc 4), who in perfect Trinity livest and reignest, throughout all ages of ages. Amen.

Holy Mary, Virgin most prudent, pray for us.
Ye holy Angels, save us from spiritual harm.
Holy Abbot Benedict, teach us silence.
Holy Doctor Isidore, keep us from falsehood.
All ye saints of God, intercede for us."

How about y'all? Do any of you feel like you're in the same or a similar boat? Has anyone found ways to combat all of this negativity we encounter online, especially social media? (side note: even limiting who I follow on social media doesn't always help). Is it possible to find a good balance between the online and offline worlds that lasts for more than a couple of days? If so, please let me know because I feel seriously burnt out these days.

Anyway, I hope y'all had a good work week and that you have a lovely weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Magnificat Advent 2017 Companion App Giveaway!

It's that time of the year again, folks. The current liturgical year is winding down and I start thinking to myself, "How on earth will I be able to celebrate/observe Advent this year?" With my crazy schedule these past 3 months, I haven't really had a chance to work on my own spiritual life beyond the daily prayers, confession, and Mass.

I hope that I can begin to rebuild my spiritual life and get myself on track this Advent. Thankfully, I only have 4 more quizzes (all due Saturday), my portion of a group project (which should be easy peasy), and my 3 final exams in 2 weeks so I shouldn't be too overwhelmed this Advent season. Please, God, help me not be overwhelmed. lol.

I'm grateful that the folks at Magnificat were very generous this year because this year I have twice the companion apps to give away. That's right. I have 4 app codes to give away this year, two for the iOS app and two for the Android app. I had only given away codes for the iOS app in previous years (I give them away for both Advent and Lent) and had been asked about the Android app in the past so I'm ecstatic to be able to give them away this year.

I have used this app in the past and it's been so great for me. I highly recommend it if you need something to help you during the Advent season, especially when you're busy.

Disclaimer: They are in no way, shape, or form paying me to say this. I am not employed by them. One of my best friends works for the company and they knew I had a blog so they very generously give me the app codes to give away. I don't even keep one of the codes for myself; I give them to you lovely readers and prefer to pay for an app for myself. It's that simple.

The rules for the entries are pretty straightforward: you can get up to 15 entries the first day and I believe the tweet option can be done once a day so you can get more 5 entries if you do it daily between today and Saturday at midnight, Pacific time.

I'm really sorry for the short time frame but I just got the codes yesterday and I had a pretty crazy day yesterday (which I hope to fill you all in on very soon) so I didn't have a chance to write this post until today.

Be sure you click on the proper giveaway. One is for the iOS app and the other is for the Android app. You can click on the arrows within the raffle app to find the one you want to enter.

a Rafflecopter giveaway



One more short piece of news: I will have my new Twitter handle up until the winners claim their apps and then I will deactivate it again. I had deactivated it for safety reasons and I have folks who are keeping an eye on things so no one try any funny business. I plan on using it further down the line, especially when the first novel and the other project I'm working on get published but there's no actual need for it at the moment... you know, beyond the giveaway. I will activate it at least once a month to keep the username but I won't be terribly active on it until I get a new book published and/or I graduate. Just a heads up. I can't afford to be distracted right now. ;)

That's it for now. You have until Saturday, December 2nd, 2017, at midnight PST, to enter!

I hope you are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The End of the "Nerdwriter" Era

(Happy 100th anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun! This is the third of the three-part series I started last weekend.)

"Yes, I did."

"I'm fine."

"It was a long time coming."

These are a few of the responses I gave to those who asked about my (now defunct) @nerdwriter Twitter account in the first couple of hours and days after I deleted it. What, you didn't know? You hadn't noticed? That's what I had hoped and expected.

Most of you know I have a serious love-hate relationship with social media, especially Twitter. Just search "social media" on this blog's search button and you'll see plenty of posts on it. For months, I'd been considering deleting the account due to several reasons, all negative. As I said in the last blog post, I've been praying to become more detached of worldly things (which I firmly believe was why I was tempted with returning to my former life earlier this year; lots of superficiality in the entertainment business) since the 54-day Rosary novena last year. I've made some strides in that area but I decided to ask once more, during the St. Therese novena. I wasn't sure why the intention came to mind (at the time) but it did so I went with it. I had no clue that it would lead me to delete my nearly decade-long Twitter account.

I opened up my Twitter account in January 2008. I never changed the username. I rarely changed the avatar/picture. I became known as the "nerdwriter" before Evan (the famous "nerdwriter" from YouTube) did since I've had "nerdwriter" as my username in various places since my reversion in 2006. It became part of my identity. I met so many wonderful people through Twitter. I hope that I used it to spread some goodness out into the world during those 9+ years that I had it. Lots of prayer requests... lots of love and support during difficult times... and lots of good conversations.

All but one person have asked me "why?" Why did I do it? I would vaguely reply that there were so many reasons but it all boils down to it being the best option for me; one that became clear last week. Here comes the most humbling part (for me) of this post: giving you the real reasons why I deleted the account.

I was becoming vain about the account. "Look at all my followers!" "Look at all those 'favorites' and retweets!" I would try to think of witty things to tweet to get more retweets; to try to keep up with the (far more) clever folks on Twitter. If I thought something was clever and no one (or a handful of people) liked it, I'd be bummed out. While I tried to stay on the site to try to help spread good, my vanity was flattered more than was healthy... especially when I had some compliments that were (perhaps) more harmful than helpful for me. This was just the tip of the iceberg of all the negativity that social media has brought into my life so, you know, "If your hand or your foot should be your downfall, cut it off and throw it away: it is better for you to enter into life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire." (Mt 18:8)

Jealousy reared its ugly head. I would get constant reminders that other writers (some of who've been blogging or on social media less time than me) were getting so much success while I could barely find freelance work outside the Catholic world. I tried to not be competitive about it but the constant reminders (which were also good because it humbled me) fed into my own doubts of being good enough. The devil knows how to attack, especially when it comes to your self-esteem. I'm so happy for those who have success... but it makes me sad that I've been at this for longer with no/little success. See why this is problematic? The comparison to others (whether I did it on my own or whether it was shoved into my face by others) is so unhealthy and it made me not think about the gifts that God has given me. What ingratitude jealousy was bringing out in me.

Anger seeped out into my offline life. You can't talk about social media without mentioning disagreements and anger. How people treated each other -- what they said about others -- made me angry. What people said about Catholics (and even the infighting on Catholic Twitter) upset me. Arguments I wasn't initially a part of but was dragged into ticked me off. Comments about how I'm this and that... how I fail to do this and that... They hurt. Look, I'm human. Negative comments affect me, probably more than others because I'm admittedly a very sensitive person. At first, they used to make me cry because they hurt. Then, somewhere along the way, sadness became anger that lasted for only a short while. That developed into unhealthy anger that lasted all day and affected how I interacted with my mom, friends, and neighbors offline (read: grumpy, irritable Emmy for the rest of the day). Those who've known me for years know this is me at my worst; Twitter brought out the worst in me.

It became an addiction that took over my life. I tried moderation but I couldn't do it. I thought I could do it but I obviously couldn't. I would take breaks (during Lent or whenever I felt I needed a break) but I would still log in because it was a compulsion. I thought I was immune to FOMO (fear of missing out) -- and I did have good stretches in which it wasn't an issue -- but ultimately, it was too much for me. I used the excuse that it was the way I socialized when I couldn't leave the house... which is nearly every day. What an excuse to keep the addiction alive, eh? I would check Twitter multiple times a day, even if I didn't post anything. I woke up and immediately checked Twitter. When I had a study break, I would procrastinate on Twitter until it was too late (and I was too tired) to continue studying. I would check Twitter twice "just in case" before I went to bed. Step away from the Twitter, Emmy!

I failed to love others and be as charitable as I should have been. This isn't just a problem for me; it's a problem that nearly (if not) all of us face when we use social media, especially on a platform as massive and divisive as Twitter. There was a lot of criticism (even if it's just done internally), a lot of griping; complaining about things others said that bothered me. Because I'm so perfect, you know. /sarcasm. Basically, I was doing a lousy job of loving my neighbor. I don't want to keep adding to that list when I go to the confessional. It's personally much easier for me to be more patient and give others the benefit of the doubt away from Twitter.

Of course, deleting the account wasn't easy, even in spite of knowing that it was bad for me. I didn't want to delete the account because I had developed an unhealthy attachment to my nerdwriter "brand." I was worried someone would take over my username once they knew it was available and get me in trouble. I was worried that people would stop reading this blog because they weren't getting linked updates. I was worried that my friends would forget about me, dooming me to further social isolation that would send me into depression. Stupid, silly fears, I (now) know.

I reached the point where I thought, "How about worrying about the stuff that mattered?" "How about taking another step towards repairing my relationship with God by cutting off what was being harmful to my soul?" "How about recognizing what my faults are (instead of criticizing or judging others) in order to work on my interior life?" (Mt 7:1-5, anyone?) It was at this point where I knew Twitter was history... and that I needed to delete it. That's why one of my last tweets was asking for prayers to find the courage to do something that was hard but necessary.

The first person I told of my plans to delete Twitter was my mother. Of course, she supported me because she was a firsthand witness to how much Twitter affected me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I waited a while before I broke it to the friends who know me the best. I was planning on waiting until November 1st to delete my account until a trusted friend (who is a seminarian) suggested I do it right then and there. No announcement, just deletion. I thought about it and it made sense to me. It would keep me from having my ego stroked by people who might tell me they would miss me or might try to convince me to stay. I did tell a couple of people (in private) whom I trusted but, overall, nearly no one knew I was going to do it. Then, I did it. Odds are, you probably didn't even notice until now because I'm writing about it.

Deleting Twitter was predictable (yet surprisingly) freeing. Remember how I mentioned that I wanted to become detached from worldly things? This was one of the biggest culprits; one of those things that kept me attached to many earthly and superficial things and feelings. I was too attached to how people thought of me. I was too attached to my "brand." I had become too attached the addiction... to the things that fed my egoism... to being "known" (even though, let's me real, I wasn't really "known.")

I thought about Sr. Mary Magdalene of the Divine Heart (formerly known as Channing Dale) who gave up her podcast and social media accounts to enter the Discalced Carmelites Nuns in Elysburg, PA a couple of years ago. She wished to be forgotten in the world but I haven't been able to because she was the first person who I knew (even if it was through social media) who wanted to give everything up for God. I still pray for her every single night and I know that she prays for me.

I thought about Br. Joseph of the Holy Family (formerly known as Mike Gannon) who, like his best friend, Sr. Mary Magdalene, gave up his accounts when he entered the Discalced Carmelites Friars of Holy Hill in Wisconsin. He briefly returned to the world of social media but gave up his accounts once again in recent months. He, like Sr. Mary Magdalene and other religious, have an immensely fulfilling life without the need of social media. (side note: I've had the immense privilege of counting him as a pen pal for a couple of years so I, at least, have that as a way to keep in touch with this great young man.)

I thought about three very inspiring women (one who I have the honor of calling one fo my best friend) who are three of the most social media-detached people I have the pleasure of knowing. One of them doesn't have a Twitter account (nor has she ever had one) and the other two rarely use it. They do have Instagram and Facebook accounts but their posts aren't frivolous and, while all three are very different, they both inspire me to grow closer to God. They share the beauty God has blessed us with, both in pictures and in words. Two are wives and mothers, one is a fellow single gal. One is known in Catholic social media circles while the other two aren't. I actually told my bestie (who hasn't tweeted in several weeks) and she was happy with my decision because, as she said, stepping away from Twitter makes her feel a lot better and helps remind her to live the life God wills for her without comparing herself to others. Amen, my sister (in Christ)!

When I asked God to help me become more detached to the world, I meant it... and, to this day, I still mean it. I want to do good, even if it goes unnoticed. Like Sr. Mary Magdalene and my friend who doesn't have Twitter, I want to live my life with simple honesty (and occasionally hidden from the world) and glorify God with my efforts. Like Br. Joseph and my friend with Twitter, I want to occasionally be out in the world and do some good for His greater glory. Like my bestie, I want to do God's will and if that means stepping away from social media than I must do that.

The best way I could think of "resetting" my interior life -- to remember just how unimportant I am and to eliminate those things which could continue leading me astray -- was to delete Twitter. THAT is ultimately why I deleted the @nerdwriter account; it became just another obstacle that kept me from growing in my relationship with God and that kept me from living a life worthy of Heaven. I'm sure there are other reasons that I can't see right now, but when I made the decision I had the feeling that when I looked at it, in hindsight, I would see that it was for the best.

It's been less than a week since I've written (and added) to this blog post (wrote most of it on the 7th but added to it on the 11th) but you can already see the immediate change. I just asked my mother and she confirmed that I'm less stressed, less irritable, and a lot more calmed and relaxed. She said, "you can just see it on your face/in your being." I think that, alone, is worth losing my username and that part of my identity.

I became "nerdwriter" upon my reversion to the faith, 11 years ago. As of now, I only have "nerdwriter" as a username on Last.fm and Goodreads because I can't change it on those sites. Otherwise, the username will never be used by me on any other social media platform. I don't plan on ever having a "public" Twitter account, especially not at the capacity I once had it. I will keep this blog's FB page open because I love interacting with y'all and you can always leave me comments on here; I'm not fully cutting myself off from y'all! I do have "catholicnerdwriter" as my username and as part of the title of this blog because I'm still Catholic, I'm still a massive nerd, and I'm still going to write; I'm just retiring the username from social media.

As I start this new chapter in my life -- which I hope means that I'm maturing in both my personal life and in my faith -- the "nerdwriter" chapter has officially closed. It's the end of that era... and I couldn't be more excited to see what the future holds! I look forward to seeing the fruits of this decision and (mostly) seeing what God has in store for me, in all areas of my life.

That's it for now. I hope some of you aren't too upset with me; I made sure everyone had a way of contacting me if they needed to. I will try to blog more often, especially now with one less (massive) time waster in my life. Back to the basics... even if no one ever reads this blog again. lol. :)

I hope you had a lovely work-week and have found a way to celebrate today's wonderful anniversary! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Will the "Catholic Twitter" Comments Please Stop?

As some of you (who are following me on Twitter) know, I decided to take a break from that social media website earlier this week. It's not the first time I've done it and it'll most likely not be the last. Right now, I can't see myself returning for a couple of weeks because 1) I have a deadline coming up and 2) I'm starting a new chapter in my vocation (career) so I gotta focus on that. Okay, real talk: I wouldn't have taken the break even with what's coming up if I hadn't grown tired of all the bickering and the "Catholic Twitter" drama that's been going on for weeks.

Admittedly, I don't log into Twitter as often as I have in the past but the little that I did experience in the last few weeks made me want to shut down my account and forget about ever visiting the site again. I wanted to keep up the use of saint quotes and more positive tweets but I just became too overwhelmed... especially when people started using "Catholic Twitter" as a collective noun to lump all Catholics together instead of addressing a small group of individuals who just happen to be Catholic.

News flash: not all those who are Catholic believe the same thing nor do they use and/or express themselves on social media the same. It's a disservice to those who do positive things on the website to be lumped together with the mischief-makers. Using "Catholic Twitter" when you're talking about a tiny number of people isn't nice. Yes, there are some people who love to ruffle feathers and add fuel to the fire but not everyone is like that. Can we please stop these "Catholic Twitter" comments? Don't lump everyone together. If you have a problem with what someone (or a group of people) said, why not address them personally?

Furthermore, it seems like we can no longer express our opinions without someone being offended... even within our little Catholic "bubble." Subtweets, shade... whatever you want to call it -- it all divides us. What happened to the days of disagreeing and being able to talk about our differences of opinions without it becoming a big argument? I remember those days. I remember the days when the biggest problem within "Catholic Twitter" was the big flirt-fests in which we couldn't chat without flirting happening. (Those who've been around since around mid-2008 know what I'm talking about). Now? You simply can't say anything without offending someone. I'm sure that even this blog post is going to offend at least one person because they're going to think I'm talking about them specifically. (hint: I'm not. Don't give anyone a reason to make a "You're so Vain" parody.)

I honestly feel like Twitter (as a whole, not just our little Catholic bubble) has hit rock bottom and I rarely feel joy when interacting with folks on that site. Even if I'm on there for a couple of minutes, I log out feeling angry, hurt, annoyed, and/or incredibly uncharitable. Yes, politics and the state of the country/society have contributed to it... but some of us aren't helping matters. You'd think that, after seeing everything that's been going on, more people would want to contribute to trying to make the site a friendlier, less-stressful place where we could chat with friends... but it's been the opposite.

To those who have the patience and thick skin to continue doing their good works -- sharing saint quotes and other gems that inspire people to learn more about the beauty of our Church: thank you! We need you to keep up the good fight that some of us can't deal with for whatever personal reason. (side note: as previously stated a couple of blog posts ago, I'm personally too sensitive to negativity and I feel physically and emotionally drained when I or someone I know gets attacked for no reason so I avoid those situations.)

To those who contribute to the drama: I will continue praying for you. You're all adults. You know what you're doing. You know Who is going to hold you accountable for your actions after all is said and done. Oh, did you forget that we -- every single one of us -- are all going be held accountable for everything we did in this lifetime? This is your friendly reminder.

I know I have a ton of really dumb stuff that I've already done in my lifetime (thus far); I don't want to add to it, which is why I'm going to avoid whatever will add to it. For now, Twitter is one of those things. As I said, I can't get on it without being uncharitable (even if it's only in my head; God will still know those) which lead to my decision for the break. Perhaps I can return to Twitter in a month's time and things will be better. However, as I continue to work on my relationship with God and try to cultivate a healthier spiritual and interior life, I'm currently not strong enough to log in and let the comments not affect me.

I will continue praying for all of you -- I literally do say "please bless everyone who follows me on social media" when I do my nighttime prayers -- and I hope to return to a Twitter with healthier communication habits.

This blog's Facebook page is still a good place to stay in touch if you ever want to pass along a link or something fun that you think I may enjoy. You can also post any prayers requests on that page or the Frassati Prayer Community page; I check both every day.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've said my piece (and hope that it leads to people considering peace). As I said in my tweet that told every one of my break: please be kind to one another. There's already so much chaos and fighting; we don't need us Catholics to get even more divided on things that don't matter.

And, now, if you'll excuse me, I have a novel I need to continue working on.

Have a blessed weekend everyone!

Rethinking Twitter

I almost quit Twitter over the weekend. For several weeks, I went back and forth about deleting it altogether. I thought about what might happen if I did. I would lose years worth of online friendships (I'll officially be on Twitter for a decade this upcoming January) with whom I correspond mostly on Twitter.

On a more superficial level, I would lose "my brand." Though there are two of us online who are known as "nerdwriter" (myself and wildly popular YouTuber Evan Puschak; he's added the "The/Thee" before nerdwriter) and sometimes people confuse the two -- you know, both young adults living in Los Angeles with similar usernames -- but I cover stuff that Evan doesn't. I don't have anywhere near the number of followers he has (holy cow, dude, lol) but my username has somehow stuck around in Catholic circles and it's helped me in career-related things. I actually considered giving Evan the username so that he could keep it simple (just nerdwriter) while I could've started over but it didn't feel right.

I thought about "squatting" the username -- keeping it, closing it up, and deleting all tweets -- but I don't know what Twitter's rules are or if they will change them in the future, taking the username from me. I thought about deleting it and not caring if someone else took it... then I really stressed over that potential decision. My fear is that someone would snatch it up, pretend they were me, and then try to ruin my reputation with it. No, I'm not paranoid. It's happened to me before. Spoiler alert. Highlight between asterisks if you've read the first novel or want to be spoiled. *What David tells Will that Candace did to Lina was what I went through. My usernames were hacked and things were sent out by an ex of mine to try to ruin my reputation -- which then former friends (who were the inspirations for Candace) later used to further try to ruin my reputation -- during the days when Myspace was king.*

Sometimes I think to myself, "what if I just delete everything but the blog? I always feel weird promoting my posts and/or my novels anyway." I think about some of the women I look up to and see how they've given up their social media accounts, their blogs, etc. and how they live perfectly content. I think about how I've covered a lot of my life over the nearly 10 years (a decade this upcoming Christmas Day) I've been writing and how people are probably tired of reading a (basically) public journal of some random gal from Los Angeles who reverted to the faith and has, in recent months, struggled with the faith.

I became very upset over some Twitter drama I was dragged into (I don't know why I was dragged into it since I keep myself far away from it... and the conversation had nothing to do with me in the first place) and I let y'all know what I thought about the whole thing. (For those who missed them, the tweets are found here, here, here, here, and here). As I said in the last tweet, I didn't do it for attention or for people to tell me that I should stay. I said it because I was genuinely upset and I hoped that it would make people think twice before pulling me into their arguments. A lot of really lovely people tried to keep me on the site, giving me such lovely compliments that I don't deserve but made me feel warm and fuzzy nonetheless. Still, it was something that had been on my mind for a long time so I knew I needed to think and pray about it.

In the end, I decided to stay... because something someone said stuck with me: "Small stones make ripples. And God's message is rarely called a small stone." (Shout out to Franco Walls for the tweet!) I thought about it and I could almost hear God saying "you can keep doing little things in an effort to combat some of the bad." I may not do anything except take a couple of seconds from people's days to remind them of something good -- of God or the goal of getting to Heaven through a saint quote -- but, at least, it wouldn't be contributing to the uber toxic environment we all encounter on the site these days. So that's what I've decided to do.

I want to keep posting saint quotes and sharing links to great articles to remind people of the Truth. It may annoy some people and it may not do anything at all -- perhaps it'll only be beneficial for me -- but it feels like the right thing to do. I'm a "mediator" by default and sticking around makes the most sense to me, even when I'm really annoyed with HS-level drama.

It also means I'm going to have to seriously push myself out of my "run away from toxic folks online" comfort zone. That doesn't mean I'm going to tolerate what happened over the weekend (I'm going to be using those mute and block buttons more freely) but it does mean staying put. Of course, if I have nothing good to contribute, I'm going to stay quiet but I'll make an effort to add some better content to the site.

Perhaps, in the future, it may change again (especially if it becomes problematic for me on a deeper level). I am a private person (trust me, you guys don't know everything I go through) and I like time to recharge after being overwhelmed by the negativity so I may one day delete everything. For now, I'm going to try to do a little good and hope it's enough.

Anyway, that's it. I'm starting my big project later this month and have to finish my third novel before then (3.5 more weeks) so I need to go work on that. The novel, that is. We're in the triple digits, folks, so it hopefully won't be long now. :D

I hope you are all having a lovely week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

I Actually Hate Social Media...?

Welcome to the first post of the 2017 edition of "Here's What Smacked Emmy Upside the Head During Lent"... or "What Emmy Learned During Lent," if you want it worded nicely. lol. I did learn a couple of things but, really, it was more like an expansion of things I learned last Lent (and during the year that followed). That and I also had a deluge of clarity on a number of topics that happened between last week and yesterday. I'm going to have to break them down into separate posts so I'll be focusing on the social media part for this post.

Raise your hand if you saw the tweet I posted yesterday; about how I felt almost forced to return to Twitter. I stand by that statement. I do. Oh boy, do I ever. When I shared that I was giving up social media for Lent prior to the start of Lent, I knew I needed it but I didn't know just how much until the initial "oh man, how am I doing to fill my time?" adjustment period faded.

I had a really hard time quitting social media cold turkey at first. I had filled my quiet/free moments of the day with (mainly) browsing Instagram, checking Twitter, and (to a smaller degree) trying to catch up on friend's updates on Facebook so having none of that was hard to adjust to. I ended up getting sick the weekend before Lent began and I ended up having health issues pop up for an entire month so I was just physically unable to do much. That actually helped curve the social media FOMO. I wasn't even able to go to any Ash Wednesday service, making it the first Ash Wednesday in years that I didn't get any ashes on my forehead. I spent almost the entire month physically weak or just incredibly fatigued so that was my priority -- working around that while doing a research paper and studying for exams.

It was actually a great experience for me because I would've normally tweeted out a bunch of prayer requests but, of course, I couldn't. Instead, I texted friends on particularly bad days on which I felt I needed prayer to get through the day. (side note: if you're wondering what happened: I accidentally had dairy the weekend I went to Mexico and, as it had happened the last time I had dairy, I was physically debilitated for the entire month following it. This has confirmed the dairy intolerance/allergy I have.)

The longer I went without social media, the more I realized that... hold on, I actually hate social media? Is that right? But... I'm always on it. How can I hate something I'm always using? That came glaringly obvious last week when I was telling a friend about why cutting back on social media during Lent was good. After reading books like Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter (it's a Goodreads link; I'm not selling you anything) and seeing how much better I felt overall without the use of social media, I knew that if I abandoned my @nerdwriter accounts, I wouldn't feel sad nor would I feel the FOMO most people feel.

What brought me to this point? Seeing how less stressed out I was. I was much more charitable towards others. I was, overall, more peaceful and happier during the day... even if I had a ton of really crummy things happening. I was more attuned to a lot of things (some of which I will blog about soon). I got more done yet I also had a lot more time to read and take care of myself while I tried to rest and recover from the accidental dairy ingestion. Do you know what a relief it is to not be constantly bombarded with negative messages... with passive-aggressive (or simply aggressive) messages from strangers... to not hear about politics... to live your life without the sensationalism and drama that seems to permeate in social media platforms? Bliss!

Furthermore, I saw the negative aspects that social media had brought out in me. I was more likely to procrastinate (a problem I already had that didn't need that added social media component), my vanity and ego were flattered at times, my concentration was poor, I wasted a lot of time, I was too worried about what others thought of me, etc. I felt like I had to -- as Elizabeth Scalia wrote in Little Sins Mean a Lot: Kicking Our Bad Habits Before They Kick Us (which I haven't finished; I'm at the 65% mark according to Goodreads) -- "remain agreeable, keep your thoughts in the acceptable box, and keep serving up the praise-fodder." I didn't like feeling censored. I've been trying to get away from that on this blog by writing about things I'm going through and the thoughts I have about them -- even if I know people will have problems with what I write -- but it hadn't translated into social media.

I did return to my @nerdwriter Twitter account once during Lent and it was to passive-aggressively tweet about my experience with racial profiling at Banana Republic. Not my finest moment and one that makes me cringe now that the anger and disappointment have faded. It just added to the long list of why social media needed to be seriously limited.

"Wait... did you just say 'limited'? Haven't you spent the entire post talking about how much you hate social media?" Yes to both questions. As much as I wish I could cut social media out of my life completely, I can't. Not because I'm addicted to it. I think I've developed a deep enough dislike of it to no longer have that problem. I can't cut it out completely because it's the only way I can communicate with some of my closest friends.

Some friends choose to post a quick tweet or update for everyone to see because they're so busy that texting or calling (or emailing) everyone individually takes too much time. That way they can get a message out to everyone and have the luxury to look at the responses when they have the time to do so. Unfortunately, since so many people now do this, they forget to update those who are not on social media. I was totally guilty of doing this, too. "Didn't you see the tweet or blog post about it?" I would sometimes think to myself. Oh, Emmy... Anyway, I didn't find out about the deaths in the families of a couple of friends until days later. I missed out on a lot of really important (some life-changing) updates -- things I wish I could've known about so I could be there for my friends -- all because I didn't get the message via social media and much less over a text message.

I can't force my friends to text, call, or email me their updates solely because I don't want to deal with social media. I have absolutely no right to ask them to make that exception for me, especially since many of them have good reasons to use social media as their main way of communicating with others. I did make more of an effort to, at least, text everyone with whom I normally communicate with every couple of days. It helped but there were things I still didn't get because, again, some forget that not everyone is on social media. I don't have FOMO (fear of missing out); I simply want to make sure I'm there for friends in their times of need.

After thinking long and hard about it, I decided that there are some social media platforms that I will be abandoning as of today. After a couple of videos on Instagram to explain things to those who won't read this blog post, I will no longer be using my (private) @nerdwriter account. I won't delete it because I have a lot of memories that I may want to revisit later on but I will no longer post any new content to it. It's my biggest time waster and there was content that was bringing out a lot of bad things to my interior life so I chose to abandon that account. Watch this video on how people live the "Insta Lie" if you have any sort of problem with Instagram. I apologize to those who sent me follow requests during Lent or before it. I'm not approving any requests, even if it's known you for years (you guys know who you are). There's no point since I'll be abandoning the account.

I will keep my @nerdwriter Twitter account like I did for Lent. I've had the account for almost a decade and have a lot of memories so I won't delete it but I won't use it like I used to. I will keep the IFTTT app so that the blog posts get automatically posted and I will share the occasional (we're talking less than once a week) link via whatever sharing service that particular website uses but I won't log into the account otherwise. If you tweet me a comment or question, I'll reply but that's about it as far as intentionally logging in goes. I won't be following anyone new and I really apologize for that but it makes no sense since I will no longer be checking the timeline. If you guys have blogs, I'll be subscribing so that the emails with new posts get sent to my inbox. If you really want me to see something, just tweet me and I'll check it out with the link you send me.

I didn't use my personal Facebook account much in the first place so that will be staying as is as well; only to check in with my brother and friends who are not on Twitter. That will be used one or twice a week, at most. I abandoned my Pinterest and Tumblr accounts completely before Lent so that's nothing new. As I said, I'm not cutting social media out complete because it's how I keep track of things of those closest to me that I don't via text or whom I don't see in person. I guess you can say this is simply a form of restricted/limited moderation. Moderation will be much harder to do than quitting cold turkey (as a wise friend told me during Lent) but I've already seen positive results of it so I know I can do it.

And that's it for this blog post. I have other topics (that popped up during Lent) that I want to write about what I want each topic to have its own post. That and I'm feeling very lightheaded (and, actually, I have felt that way the entire time I wrote this post so please excuse any and all grammatical errors). Again, I'm really sorry if anyone gets offended by this post but it's something that I need to do for myself. After doing the 10 meditations in the Introduction to the Devout Life (by St. Francis de Sales), reading Irresistible, Little Sins, and other books during Lent, I came to realize that I needed to do this to better my relationship with God and to better order my interior life. I'll actually touch more on this in a (near) future blog post.

I'm going to go hydrate and lie down. I'm pretty sure the lightheadedness was caused by what I ate for breakfast. My stomach hurts and the lightheadedness didn't begin until after I started eating so... putting 2 and 2 together, y'all. It's actually bad enough that I had to cancel my hematology appointment today. I didn't want to drive to the hospital (where the appointment was scheduled) feeling like I do. I don't think I can even walk down the stairs without potentially falling down -- I'm that lightheaded.

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter weekend and that you have a good start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When People React Strongly to Your Blog Posts

Okay, wow... I did not expect the response I got from the blog post on Mental and Emotional Purity. Some of the comments were positive and I found out there were more like-minded people. Others were... not in agreement and made it known. I act felt attacked by a couple of comments but I tried to let it roll off of me because I knew what I had posted. I knew people were going to feel strongly about it but I also knew that I wanted to share my own thoughts. Still, I wasn't anticipating how much was misinterpreted.

I thought I'd made my thoughts clear in the post that those were my own thoughts and feelings on the subject. I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't have an issue with sex; I just don't want to hear about other people's experiences, especially when it gets graphic. I wasn't expecting for people to make me feel like there was something wrong with me for choosing to not want to hear or think about these things. I wasn't expecting people to throw (and I'm paraphrasing) "well, if you have an issue with chastity..." comments in my face. I wasn't expecting to feel as terrible as I did. But I did... and I had to remind myself that those were just other people's opinions and that I'm fine with my own thoughts because it's what I feel is right for me.

Funnily enough, no one talked about the issue of being careful with things like Hallmark movies or chick lit books. No, everyone focused on the part in which I mentioned sex. Go back and see for yourself... I talked more about the emotional part. No one touched that. It was interesting.

I've been reading Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II's Love and Responsibility by Edward Sri and a lot of what I was trying to say in the blog post was written perfectly in the book. I haven't read anything on Theology of the Body and I'm still learning about human sexuality from a Catholic perspective -- I've only gotten an "education" on human sexuality from liberal professors at secular colleges -- but it all pretty much aligns with what my thoughts and feelings about it. (side note: If you haven't read the book, or Pope St. John Paul II's Love and Responsibility, I highly recommend both.)

I don't regret what I wrote because I wanted to be honest with my thoughts and feelings on the subject. It was also a wonderful conversational starter with some people who disagreed but wanted to talk more about where I was coming from. People who bothered to talk to me about what I had written -- to make sure they understood where I was coming from -- ended up knowing that I meant no harm in what I had written. Those who made their comments (some very harshly) and didn't bother to continue dialogue after speaking their mind and reading my responses, I'm not angry with y'all. I'm sad we couldn't talk about it in a civil way but it's okay.

I'm going to continue writing about my thoughts. I did warn everyone that this was going to happen. I'm going to lose readers like I lost Twitter followers a couple of days ago. That's fine. As I said a couple of days ago, I'm going through a lot of changes (including some big life changes) so I'm going to be writing about how I'm changing, which includes changes to my thoughts on certain topics. This isn't a challenge or me flipping the bird to anyone; I simply want to stay authentic.

Anyway, I wanted to clear the air for those who were/are still unhappy with what I wrote. Again, it wasn't a judgment about anyone (I made sure I included that disclaimer in the blog post; you can go back and read it for yourselves if you don't believe me); I was simply talking about why I've chosen to avoid speaking, seeing, or hearing about sex. That's it. I won't be expanding further on it because I feel like I'm talking about it enough. I may revisit the topic of human sexuality in the future (though not anytime soon; I have other things I wish to write about) and I hope that those who stick around to share my journey with me will remember that what I write about is about what affects me personally, no one else.

Since there is a break from the rain (we've had rain in L.A. over the past 24 hours or so), I'm going to go make a quick grocery run since the rain is supposed to come back -- and it's supposed to be heavier -- later today through tomorrow. Need to stock up on basics, especially since we're now a few days away from Christmas. Time has flown by this year. :)

I hope y'all are doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Yes, THAT Topic Again -- Social Media vs Me

Before I begin I just want to wish y'all a happy St. Therese of Lisieux feast day! Yes, it's late but it's still October 1st in Los Angeles. ;)

I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, listening to MuteMath's self-titled album which has been a permanent fixture on my CD player (seriously, I didn't have an mp3 player until I was 23) -- and then iPod touch -- since I first purchased it a decade ago. This album reminds of the Fall of 2006 (into Winter 2007) when my reversion truly took hold. Late September 2006. I can't believe it's been a decade! Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been that long yet it does in some ways. I've learned a lot in the past decade but I know there's still so much more that I need to learn. So many great memories of that time, many of which inspired some of the things that I wrote about in the first Will and Lina novel.

No, I'm not going to sit here and take a trip down memory... though I'm very tempted to because early 2005 through mid-2007 were arguably my favorite years thus far. No, I'm going to resist that urge and, instead, I'm going to write whatever pops into my mind. This could be slightly dangerous but sometimes I just like to write to see what's on my mind. Here it goes...

Tonight I was reflecting on how much I stink at trying to limit my time on social media. Horrendous. It was a sort of (but not really) resolution earlier this year. I may need to go to a social media addicts group meeting or something. I go through periods in which I'm really good at it and then something happens and it throws me off. That something is usually an illness that forces me back on social media because it's where I can get things off my chest. Bottling up what I'm thinking is bad business for me -- it's what triggers some anxiety attacks when I do too much of it -- but I also overshare a lot. Sure, you can argue that I share a lot but I'm very careful about what I share so you only get a teeny tiny view of my offline life, but I've been thinking that I need to make yet another attempt to cut back on that.

I get bored so I tweet. I don't have another human being to interact with for most of my day so I check social media or text a friend. Sometimes I'll get wrapped up in coursework, a movie, a book, or some other activity but my fallback is always social media. It's not even a FOMO issue since, honestly, I don't really check Twitter that much. I tweet and/or reply to a tweet. I read the 15 or so tweets at the top of my timeline and then I move on. It's not a bad cycle but it's also a waste of my time.

No, I didn't say that interacting with friends is a waste of my time. I say it's a waste of time because I eventually end up falling into the vicious black hole cycle of clicking through links... or Instagram pictures that lead to other pictures... or YouTube videos that lead to more videos. I actually caught myself saying "well, what can I search now?" after going through my usual round and finding things quiet. When I couldn't figure out what else I could do, I simply shut down my laptop... a bit disappointed. I've, at least, disciplined myself to avoid certain websites and previous habits that would've kept me online longer but the fact that I was disappointed that I couldn't find another thing to distract me was a bad sign. Houston, we have a problem.

I would love to say that the books I checked out from the library last month are being read but they're not. I had to renew them because the due date was looming and I haven't made a big dent in them. I've been going through some anxiety and health issues so I'm constantly looking for distractions. It's not bad to distract myself during these times -- it helps me from getting a full-blown panic attack or helps me be able to nip the symptoms in the bud -- but I keep distracting myself beyond the anxiety attacks that want to pop up. Procrastination / senioritis is real. I think I'm filling my world with too much noise because I don't want the inside noise (the worries, the stress, etc) to win. Does that make sense?

I'm going to try to cut the outside noise again. It's not going to be comfortable for me since I've once again gotten used to the noise but it's necessary. My concentration is shot and I can't blame feeling tired or even my health; I'm simply too overloaded with noise. It's probably not going to last long (it never does) but I'm going to do this as many times as necessary. Habits take 8 weeks to stick so I'll keep starting over every time I fail.

I can do it. I've been able to do it before, even for weeks at a time. I've done my research and my plans have worked in the past. I've decided to add an hour of "Emmy" time per day. This means that for an hour I have the option of playing my guitar and singing, reading a non-academic book, writing in my journal (yes, I have one offline), or spending an hour in adoration if I can make the drive to one of the parishes that have daily adoration. There are more things I can do but you get the gist. The only thing I cannot do in my "Emmy" hour is have a screen in front of me. No screens, not even the Kindle screen.

I've been communicating with friends offline more often lately which ought to help curve the social media usage. The fact that the temperatures will begin to get cooler will also help me get outdoors more, even if that simply means an hour (or two) at the local library for some peace and quiet. I may even go study at my alma mater since I feel so at peace on campus. Our homecoming weekend is coming up and we alumni are greatly encouraged to visit that entire week for festivities so I have an excuse. I know, I'm surprised by that last statement, too. lol.

Alright, well, my Emmy hour for the day is coming up so I should skedaddle. That's such a fun word  -- skedaddle -- that I'm going to try to use more often. No, not procrastinating; just an amusing thought since I'm pretty much writing what I'm thinking, right?

I hope y'all are having a lovely weekend thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Unplugging and Quieting the World, Part Two

Hello and welcome back to the show. I'm your host. :-P If you haven't read part one, you can check it out here. :)

Now, where was I...? Oh yes, unplugging from technology. First, I want to say that there's nothing wrong with being plugged in. Technology is great and can do a lot of good. However, some of us (yes, myself included) sometimes use it because we're bored or because we've become addicted. It's our go-to when we find ourselves not wanting silence. Let's face it, many of us just don't like silence and it's quite easy to get online and/or get distracted. 

I've personally experienced all I've written. I get bored easily if I have nothing stimulating my mind but the internet doesn't always provide stimulating content that will allow me to grow very much. It's more mind-numbing distractions than anything else. Sometimes we need a break from the chaos and the distractions online are great for that... but I think most of us tend to use it a bit too much. 

Do you older Millennials (and those over 35) remember what we used to do as kids when we got bored? I mean, besides watch TV? We used to draw, paint, write, play sports, go outside, etc. We had hobbies. We had more fulfilling friendships. Our creativity helped entertain us. I'm not saying that we should completely reject technology in favor of more simple things but why not try to find a balance so our life isn't just online?

Social media is wonderful to stay informed and keep in touch with others but it gives us a false sense of being connected to others. I could scroll down a friend's Facebook profile or Twitter feed and think I know what's going on with them but very few of us show every side of ourselves online. I know I'm personally guilty of trying to show only the positive side out of fear of what others may think of me. In a way, it's like, as one of my favorite vloggers recently said, we're performing. 

I'll be honest with y'all: I don't like who I am or how I feel when I'm online too much. Every time I take breaks from social media and/or from turning on my laptop and/or iPod touch, I feel a lot better. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can be who I am. Why? Because I feel constrained online. There's too much noise. There's too much negativity. It drains me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. 

Sometimes I just want to share something that makes me feel good... and then it's met with negative comments or snide remarks. I know I'm sensitive and I'm trying to let everything roll off of me but sometimes it's just too much. When that happens, I get defensive when other comments are made, whether they are good or not, because I automatically feel as if I'm being attacked. I don't like that I get defensive online and that it remains with me offline for a while. I don't like the uncharitable comments it produces, on- and offline. Basically, I don't like how what happens online influences me offline. 

I remember life right before technology took over. It was right before I got my very first computer as a freshman in high school. I was one of the last in my class to get a computer (I had used a typewriter to do my homework up until then). With the introduction of email (one of the first emails I got was a former classmate telling me to kill myself) and then AIM (AOL instant messenger), the problems started. The anxiety -- which began my freshman year of high school -- got worse.

There's a lot of negativity online and I don't want to be a part of it. That's why staying offline as much as possible has appealed to me. God has opened my eyes and shown me that I've thrived better offline but that, in moderation, I can use social media and what is offered online to enrich my life. 

Without social media, I would've never met some of my best friends offline. Without social media and the internet, I don't think I would've gotten the courage to leave the terrible path I was on before my reversion. Without online resources, I wouldn't be learning as much as I can about Catholicism... nor would I be doing my Master's degree at an orthodox Catholic University. Without social media and websites, I wouldn't hear about the good, lovely stories that exist which I don't hear much of since the news tends to favor biased, disastrous, and fear-inducing stories.

So what does this all mean for me? It means keeping Twitter as is post-Lent with the occasional logging in to check DMs and share the odd link or random but positive tweet. I like how I have Facebook set up at the moment so I'm going to keep it as it -- choosing to check it only a couple of times per week. The blog stays as is, though I hope to write more often now that I am getting the time to do so. Everything I wrote yesterday -- the new rules for screen time -- will become the new norm. When I get bored, I'm going to try reading a book or doing something with limited technology. I don't expect it to be easy but nothing that is worthwhile is easy.  I've heard that it takes about 8 weeks for something to become a habit so I'll remind myself when I slip and/or feel discouraged.

One more thing before I end this post: does anyone remember how, a few months ago, I said that I had an issue with silence? How I hated silence and how I felt like I needed Gregorian chant to pray at times because of how much I couldn't stand the silence? I'm happy to report that this is no longer an issue. Since I've given up music on Tuesdays and Fridays during Lent (which I may keep after Lent), I've learned to be okay without music and/or noise in general. Listening to the birds singing, to the clock ticking, to the outside noise while everything is still indoors has been absolutely lovely. 

Side note: admitted, I failed the "no music" thing yesterday (Friday) when Mom started watching The Quebe Sisters and then Andrea Bocelli on PBS stations last night. I could've gotten up and walked out of the room but I didn't because I wanted to listen to the music and I made weakling excuses to stay. lol. But, in a way, it helped me remember that I'm doing this because I want to have more time in prayer and because I want to be more mindful about what I listen to. I still got my prayer time and the music I was listening to wasn't objectionable in content (at least, not that I was aware of) so it was failure with a valuable lesson. :)

Anyway, what I've just written is what works for me and this is not me shaming any of you for anything. If you disagree, that's okay.  If more time online works for you, keep at it but please be careful about what is shared. If something I've written makes you realize you need to make some changes, credit God for the transformation in me that has allowed me to help you since none of this could've been possible without His guidance. 

That's all from me for today. It's still early in the day so I want to get Casa Emmy cleaned, dishes washed, and my conscience examined before Mom gets off from work. I'm actually looking forward to all of this because I quite enjoy housekeeping. A lot. Anti-tradition feminists would hate me. lol. 

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Sacrifices are Coming!

Can you believe that we're only two weeks away from Lent? What?! The period between Christmas season and Advent always flies by the quickest for me. Even though I'm still a bit in Christmas mode (sorry, I'm in that mentality until February 2nd; Candlemas), I'm not ready to let it go. (side note: if you find yourself singing "Let it Go" I truly apologize. Have a donut and say it's from me as an apology gift.) While chatting with one of my best friends about what we were giving up for Lent, I had no clue. At least, I didn't at the time. It took me some time but I think I've figured out what I'm doing for Lent this year.

Last year I didn't really give up anything because, well, I tend to do that during the year. Doing it during Lent doesn't challenge me as much as it may others because of how used to it I am (from food to entertainment, etc). "What can I possibly give up that's hard?" I wondered. Then it hit me: Twitter. Soccer? Slightly hard to give up one year. Certain foods? Easier since I do that on a regular basis anyway (thanks dyspepsia and food intolerances!). Social media has been cut back during Lent in past years but never fully given up. Just an hour or less per day. I've been doing that lately (though I've slipped a bit since my bro's visit last week). Giving it up "cold turkey"? Sad to say it's going to be nearly impossible but I'm going to do it. Or try. I'll say "try" so I don't beat myself up too badly if I fail. I'm not even going to give myself an incentive to not cave: doing something for my well being is reward enough.

For those of you who rely on Twitter to find out when I have a new blog post, I'll have something set up so new links will be posted as soon as they go up. I may also share the odd link straight from the website (i.e. Blessed is She's reflections or news from Zenit, ChurchPop, or Catholic News Agency -- only Catholic stuff for Lent, what an idea!) but I won't log into Twitter for that. I also won't send anything out unless it's one of those "yes! this needs to be read by others!" articles. If you're also giving up Twitter, the blog's Facebook Page gets updates right away. If you're giving up all social media, you can sign up to have new blog posts delivered to your inbox. That nifty button is on the right side of the blog (not accessible on mobile; sorry).

Am I giving up anything else in terms of social media? Nope. Don't really use Pinterest much and can go weeks without even logging in. Tumblr can be neglected for days and I can get everything done there in under 5 minutes when I do log in. Facebook will be cut down to once a day for 5 minutes if only because I only have 34 people on my list -- most of whom rarely or don't (at all) use Twitter -- and it's what I use to get news on the Latin Masses in the L.A. area and other information that I don't get elsewhere. Twitter is my addiction but I hope giving it up for Lent will be good for me and will make it easier for me to use is less during the rest of the year.

Let's forget the fact that I'm wasting so much valuable time on it. It's not just a time waster for me; it's where I rant, where I get annoyed, where uncharitable thoughts pop up, where I get upset, where... well, I'm focusing too much on myself and my own feelings and not enough on God when I get on Twitter. Let's be honest: some of us may want to use it as an evangelization tool but not many of us actually use it for that. I'm not shaming you; I'm in that same boat.

Oh! I just remembered that I am giving up on more thing for Lent: uncharitable words and thoughts. Guess where most of them come from. You guessed it: Twitter. When I'm already cranky and/or upset about what my mom is going through at work (please keep praying for her), it's so much easier to see something on Twitter and allow it to feed my annoyance. Bleh. No. Bad Twitter! Bad Emmy, too! No one is forcing me to go on Twitter when I'm on the verge of being a "stroppy cow." (Gotta love British idioms.) Twitter is the main source (online) of my uncharitable thoughts and words so it makes sense to give one to be able to help the other. 

I'm also adding a couple of things: an extra hour of prayer per day, daily Mass when I'm able (no appointments, not sick), and an extra act of charity during the day. I've arranged it so my "reading for pleasure" books are all either Catholic or written by Catholic authors during Lent. Yes, that explains my current choice of books. I'm sure I'll add something else but that will be something between me and God. ;)

Since I cannot fast (I'm still underweight) and I need meat (though I can do meatless Fridays by eating other things for iron intake), I'm going to give up ALL social media and music (gulp) on the days that I cannot fast but others are required to. I forgot what I gave up last year but I don't remember it being particular hard so I must challenge myself this year.

My plans for Lent may seem silly to others ("ha! Twitter?") but if you've ever been addicted to anything, you know hard it is to make yourself stop. Oh, social media... Y U so hard to give up? Cue rick-rolling video from a certain someone with a mustache who hosts his own radio show. ;)

What are y'all giving up for Lent? Let me know, especially if you need an accountability partner. Seriously, I will gladly keep tabs on anyone if you need an accountability person.

Side thought: I return to grad school right during Easter time, on April 4th. The symbolism isn't lost on me. It's how my school's quarter is set up but, for my particular situation and everything I've been through, it seems especially appropriate that that will be my return date. Wind down my break during Lent, return in Easter. New beginnings. New hope. Well played, JP Catholic and the overall timing. Well played. ;)

Alright, I have about 6 weeks eBooks or so to read in a little under 3 weeks so I'm going to try to get those read before they're due back to the LAPL. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D 

Digital Burnout

Image courtesy of Ashley Ella Design.

I don't think many people noticed but I was completely M.I.A. on Twitter a couple of days this week. I probably would've gone more days without tweeting except I got excited about Father (now Bishop-Elect) Barron coming to Los Angeles... and then I felt the need to defend myself against subsequent comments from others which made me feel attacked for welcoming him to my hometown. It was during this time that I realized just how burnt out I was on social media and on technology in general.

Having a job (freelance writing) that makes you rely on the internet (to receive, turn in, and research assignments) all day... having your entire degree online (as I did last year when I did a year at Utah State)... having most of your friends rely on social media to interact, all forced me (and, really, gave me) the excuse to be online more than I should have. When I realized that I was a lot more burnt out that I had first guessed, I made the decision to step away a couple of days a week and it's been great.

First, I've made it a mission to take better care of myself because I'd been neglecting myself for a long time. I recently quit my low-paying and increasingly stressful job as a freelance writer for a certain company... and I'm not looking for any work at the moment. I'm not doing anything but having a vacation from the busyness of life before grad school begins. I want to use the next two months to create habits that will help me during grad school and after. That includes fixing my sleeping schedule, eating better, finding what little things I can do during the day that make me relax when things get overwhelming, etc.

Second, I've cut my time both online and on the laptop/iPod considerably... and that time offline will increase through the next couple of weeks. The majority of my Biblical Theology program will be done online so I know I'll be relying on technology a lot. I'm grateful that there will be a couple of lectures/events I will have to drive down to JP Catholic for since it will give me more excuses to not get online. In order to help curve the temptation to waste time online, I charge my laptop during off-peak hours (I purposely found out what they were in my area) and if the laptop runs out of battery, it stays that way until the following day. Same with my iPod touch. It gets charged once a day. If it doesn't last through the night, it waits until the following day. If I don't use it much, I will physically be in a different room than the laptop, iPod, and cell phone.

I'll be honest and admit that I do still log into Facebook daily because most of my best friends are on there and it's the easiest way for us to communicate on our busiest days. Some days I play "FB chat tag" with a friend or two throughout the day because of how busy we can get. However, I don't spend hours on FB. I'll spend a couple of minutes (or, most of the time, less than a minute) a couple of times (3-4) during the day; it depends on how many comments / conversations I'm having. That equals less than 5 total minutes on most days or up to less than 15-20 minutes on my most active days. The decision I made to have under 30 people on my list has made the difference because no one on my list abuses FB... and no one on my list loves to instigate drama.

As for Twitter... there is a reason why I completely avoid it on some days. I like Twitter but just not as much as I used to. I noticed that a lot of my defensive/grumpy moments have happened because of something that originated on Twitter. Lately it just seemed worse than usual. Some people love to cause trouble. Other people feel like they are free to speak to you as if they know you well even if they don't (read: untactful buttinski types). A good portion of the time, miscommunication will cause unnecessary drama. I don't like drama. I dislike when people instigate arguments for kicks. Yes, I chose to be on Twitter and to reply to the comment... but I've always chosen to step away from it or even not reply to everyone on some days for the sake of my sanity.

At the time of my reversion, I took a break from the online world. It was one of the most spiritually fruitful times in my life. My focus was on my relationship with God, choosing to not listen to former friends who'd emotionally and mentally bullied me. They were not okay with my decision to walk away from their friendships -- which I saw as harmful to me. It was hard but it got me back on the right path. Having a similar experience lately, I decided to step away in baby steps and it's done wonders.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed the change. I've been feeling less stressed, less defensive, and less sassy/sarcastic. I'm less likely to be uncharitable in my thoughts and words. I'm more likely to be understanding and compassionate, to let things slide, and just smile. I feel like I did when I was in my early reversion days. The spiritual dryness I'd been experiencing has lessened considerably. Not having the online drama invade my thoughts when I log offline has done wonders for my spiritual life.

I've been doing the St. Anne novena along with one to the Immaculate Heart of Mary... in that order. Yes, I chose the heavenly mother and daughter tag team. ;) I feel a wonderful sense of peace and love when praying them, especially the latter. The St. Anne novena is for my vocation (though I'm asking for clarity of vocation not that it be a specific one). The one to the Immaculate Heart of Mary is for (as I mentioned in the last post) learning to fill that loneliness/emptiness gap I've felt with His love "as I know no human being will ever be able to fulfill it." I end up including the idea of a future husband and children in that last novena. "If my vocation is of wife and mother -- as I believe it is -- please let me be full of His love first... because I don't expect my future husband to fill something he can't. It wouldn't be fair to expect that from him. Instead, please let be so full of His love that I can reflect it unto my future fella and children." I'm not sure I would've had as much clarity if I had been worried about something that happened online.

I like how my life offline is shaping up. My communication with my mom is getting better and we're learning how to work with our differing temperaments better. I've learned a lot of things about her that have increased my respect and love for her; she's learned some things she didn't even know about me. I've been sleeping better. I'm less cranky throughout the day. I'm less anxious. I've been able to concentrate much better when I pray. Instead of having to constantly fight off random thoughts -- usually of whatever disagreement or drama stemmed from Twitter -- popping up during my time in prayer, I've been able to concentrate on (and even visualize) the words I'm praying. Life is good. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I've seen a number of you feeling burnt-out on social media but are scared of taking breaks from it out of fear of boredom, missing out, etc. Trust me, I was in the same boat but, man, all this time offline has been great for me and it's made me want to spend even less time online. If you're stressed, try a day or two offline per week at the beginning and gradually increase it. You'll notice a difference after a couple of days. I seriously recommend it. :D

Alright, that's it from me for now. I have a number of things to do offline (mostly read... and drink tea... and watch the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice, the 2008 version of Sense and Sensibility, and the 2009 version of Emma; did I mention I'm big on self-care these days?) and want to get to them early so I can sleep early. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D