When Forgiveness and Charity are Seen as a Weakness

As I've mentioned throughout the years, I was in cognitive-behavioral therapy (on and off for a couple of years) for my PTSD. It wasn't until about a year ago that my last therapist basically said "You're done. You have the tools and the strength to no longer need therapy (unless there's a relapse for whatever reason)." I've been doing well since and I'm very grateful for all the help that I received but there's one thing from my years in CBT that did me more harm than good: being told that my ability to forgive and be charitable towards the person who hurts me is a weakness that needs to be eliminated.

Prior to starting CBT, I forgave very easily. I didn't forget but I forgave and was happy to move past the problem. My first therapist (in training) applauded this part of me. She used to say, "I think it's great that you can forgive someone; to try to see what might've caused them to lash out, knowing that it has more to do with them than with you." She was my first and only Catholic therapist (in training) to date. Since I was attending CBT at a local university and she was a grad student, when she was done with the program, they gave me to another grad student.

This second graduate student was the one who made me feel like there were several things wrong with me, especially this gift of being able to forgive. She made me feel like I was weak. When I used to say "I know this person hurt me but I wonder if it's the only thing they've ever known, which is why they act that way," she used to chastise me and tell me that I shouldn't be forgiving or even charitable towards them. They did me harm. They should feel guilty and have to pay for their offenses. Between her and the next 2 therapists I had, I was filled with a lot of anger. My ability to forgive was replaced with hurt and anger.

The last two therapists I had helped me sort my thoughts out, more so the second-to-last therapist I had. She was very sweet and very similar to my first therapist (in training). I was able to regain a bit of that ability, something my last therapist nearly took away... except, this time, I knew myself, my thoughts, and how important it was to be charitable and love others though they treat me poorly. I haven't fully regained the ability to forgive and be charitable as I used to. I still do it, but I can get very angry for a little while before I calm down and see things as they are, separating feelings from rationality. It's a reflex that I, unfortunately, have to unlearn from my time with the second therapist-in-training. There's a reason why I purchased a book on how to combat anger from a Catholic perspective (which I hope to review in the near future).

Today I was reflecting on why forgiveness and charity towards those who've done us wrong are seen as weaknesses. Over the weekend, someone vandalized my car. Police suspect it's a neighbor since I live in a gated building... and the parts that were vandalized made no sense -- the side panel/garnish of the front passenger's side window and then scrapping off of the LX letters on my Honda Civic. They didn't even take the parts. They left the LX next to the back bumper and we found the broken panel/garnish under a neighbor's car. I had so many people badmouth whoever did the damage but I found myself not only being able to forgive whoever did the damage but also ask God to forgive them for their actions.

I didn't feel anger nor injustice. I didn't seek revenge. I filed a police report, sure, but that's because the building manager asked me to for insurance purposes, not to harm the other person. I purchased the replacement part at the local dealer and it was installed (free of charge, thank goodness) today. The building has security cameras installed near where my car is parked but I didn't ask to see who it could've been. I don't want to know because I really don't need to know. Instead, I'm going to pray for whoever did it.

If they were high or drunk, I pray they get the help they need to kick those terrible addictions. If they did it out of hatred (which is the current theory as we have a neighbor who very much dislikes us), I pray that God softens their hearts because hating someone is like drinking poison yourself and then expecting the other person to die. (I don't know who originally said that so I paraphrased). If it was a randomly picked act of vandalism, I pray that God helps them examine their hearts and minds and that they repent and seek to live a better life; a life that seeks God and all that is good.

I hope that one day I may be able to turn the other cheek and forgive as I used to without allowing my temper to flare like it has in recent years. I hope that the anger that does rise up in me from time to time reminds me to be more charitable, especially towards myself if it's anger caused by something I've unintentionally done. I hope that I can remember that forgiving isn't a weakness. Jesus forgave those who crucified him and treated him as if he was subhuman. Did he speak up when they placed the crown of thorns on his head? When they spat on him and mocked him? Jesus suffered more than I ever will in my lifetime. He set a beautiful example of how forgiveness and charity are not signs of weakness but of an inner strength and a reliance on God to help us through times of trials.

... and I just realized that today is Tuesday which means meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries of the most Holy Rosary. Well played, Holy Spirit. Well played. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts bouncing around in my head. :)

I want to get my sleeping schedule back on track (currently sleeping 1-3 a.m. through 10-11 a.m.) so I'm going to try to get everything I normally do at a later time a bit earlier. Since it's almost 8 p.m. PT, I should start getting things done for the day so I can unwind with a cup of tea and a good book. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Thank You For This Mess, Lord

Hello there! I was actually going to wait to get more caught up with reading for my class (fell behind when I couldn't purchase the book) but I have a tension headache due to what's going on with our building manager so a break is needed. And, anyway, I was trying to work through the headache but the idea came up to share this thought that popped up a little while ago: "Thank you for this mess, Lord."

If you've been reading the blog for a couple of months now, you know that they gutted the master bathroom in October (shortly after my car accident) and that they haven't done much since then. It's gone up within the Housing Authority of L.A. County because we're paying for that bathroom that we're not using. The inspectors have made a couple of trips out over the last couple of months and they've asked the property manager and, I'm assuming, property owners to get the bathroom done but they haven't done much.

Since yesterday, they've been working on the plumbing. Today they informed us that the bathroom was done as is. Yes, that picture you see is exactly what it looks like. That shower is about a third smaller in size than it was... which was already small to begin with. With both Mom and I having claustrophobia, guess which bathroom we'll be paying for but not using. Yes, they know we have claustrophobia. But they apparently got a permit to leave the bathroom as is -- despite two different city inspectors asking them to make it bigger since we can barely fit inside of it -- so they're leaving it unfinished and small.

This is the part that I had a strong urge to share: I have claustrophobia because I used to be locked inside a bathroom when I was a little girl. When I was maybe 3-5 years old, my sister-in-law and one of my half-brother used to live with us. She was supposed to look after me while my parents worked. In an attempt to not deal with me, they used to lock me in the bathroom for hours. One of my first memories is still of me sitting in the pink chair in the bathroom, staring at the sink. I don't have any memories of how long it lasted but I do remember being locked inside. Recently I described to my mother, in great detail, what that bathroom looked like. I haven't been inside that apartment in over 25 years so you know I'm not just imagining it. Mom said that she had my dad kick both my half brother and my sister-in-law out of the apartment when that happened... which, I think, was also around the time that they caught me standing on top of a chair, over the open flame of a stove, trying to heat myself some tortillas because I wasn't fed properly.

Fast forward a couple of years later. At 15 I dealt with some horrific teachers that would make me feel trapped inside classrooms when they allowed my fellow students to attack me or when they made me feel like I was an incompetent human being. (I mentioned details of what happened in the blog post Therapy, a Diagnosis, and My Superpower.) I developed severe agoraphobia and social anxiety. I was pulled out of regular school and finished high school through a charter school. (side note: this ended up being a blessing because it not only prepared me for college better than if I had stayed at the public school but also allowed me to finish 1.5 years ahead of schedule). I couldn't go anywhere because being in crowds made me feel like I was going to get sick. I needed to know where the exits were at all times and I tried to be as close to them as possible. I didn't know then that what happened as a child would set off that panic when I felt trapped in my environment.

Fast forward another 15 years: at 30, I'm in a better place. Thanks to the cognitive-behavioral therapy I've received, I no longer panic in public places. Why do you think we started going to Disneyland as much as we did? To help me learn to deal with the crowds! I can take buses without feeling panicked. I still have a bit of claustrophobia that lingers now and then but I can better handle the situations. Unfortunately, my mother still had claustrophobia (she went through a similar situation when she was in her pre-teens) so the bathroom is going to be a problem.

I got my headache when I was informed that they weren't going to make the bathroom smaller. What about my mom's claustrophobia?? What about my neck?! (side note: we have two bathrooms but the showerhead measures around 5'5" and I'm nearly 5'8" so my neck and muscles strain trying to wash my hair.) As I was making myself something to eat (to try to see if it would help the headache go away), I had a sudden thought which I've already shared: "Thank you for this mess, Lord."

We've fought our building manager on this bathroom and our parking space (especially since I'm prone to fainting in the heat and she took my covered parking space and put me in a space where the sun hits from sunrise to sundown; she's basically said it's not her problem despite giving her a letter my doctor sent her) but nothing's been done. Mom recently confessed that she's having a faith crisis because she keeps praying for the praying situations with the bathroom and parking (she's already helped pick me up when I was fainting a couple of weeks ago). However, I'm going to thank God because, really, we're in a good place despite the problems we're having.

Yes, I may faint (especially this summer when the temperatures reach over 100 degrees -- let this blog post, written months in advance, be my record that I've warned the manager of possible health issues since December 2015) but at least our car is inside the gated parking lot and not out in the streets where cars are stolen and windows are broken. I'm grateful for the roof over my head and the running water that we have, which not everyone can say. I'm grateful for the one shower that works, even though my neck and back muscles need to be massaged frequently. I'm thankful for this headache that appeared when I got the news because it reminded me that I needed to stop studying to eat. I'm grateful for all these problems because they make me realize that these "problems" aren't problems at all but opportunities to be grateful to God for all we do have.

Life isn't going to be easy. Yes, things will be a pain to deal with but maybe these are just challenges to help me look at the positives in life. Not a single saint made it to heaven without enduring some hardship (at least I can't think of one). Not to say that I'm a saint but I aspire to be and maybe these little things will help mold me into someone who can enter the gates of Heaven. Just a couple of random thoughts that are popping up as I type this. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I have to go pick up Mom from work in a couple of minutes. Thankfully it's not hot or sunny today so I don't have to worry about possibly fainting. ;)

I hope to blog again soon but we'll see because once I get into the "study zone" few things will keep me from spending hours reading (using the Pomodoro technique, of course). :D

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lenten Lesson: Increasing Trust in God

My awesome wingman and I have a sort-of motto we like to remind each other in times of difficulty: "we must increase our trust." I had so much going on during Lent that wingman had to text me a reminder more than once.

Mom and I hemorrhaged money this past month. Our savings are completely depleted. We had new things (car related, health related, etc) pop up all the time and usually in clumps so it created a domino effect. The mechanic who fixed my car (and not well; I'm still paying to get new stuff repaired all the time, which is more $ spent) ended up getting a parking ticket last month but failed to inform me about it. It became a delinquent parking violation -- parking for 72 hours in a 24 hour parking area. I contested the ticket since I did not have the car at the time the ticket was issued but was denied. Before I learned that I had to pay the ticket despite not being in possession of it at the time, I had a little conversation with God. "You are my Father. My earthly father is no longer with us. Please help provide for us. If you wants us to pay for this ticket -- if the mechanic can't pay for it or whatever reason -- we'll pay for it. If justice can be made, great. If not, we'll do Your will."

I didn't get a hold of the mechanic until I got word that I had to pay the ticket... and he sounded terrible. I'm not sure what illness he has but he's definitely still sick. He's thinner than before and he's in dialysis so you know it's bad. We spoke to some of our neighbors the day after I was told the initial review was denied and found out he has about 4-5 kids. If they depend on his income (as a mechanic) and he's too sick to work, maybe he doesn't have the money to pay for it. I believe his house is up for sale, too. Choosing to see it this way, we decided to pay for it ourselves. Sure, our savings are basically gone from all we've had to pay but God always provides.

I also saw my health care coverage being terminated this month. I still think it'll be restored but, at the time I type this, it's set to end today. I received the letter two weeks ago. "Oh, another chance to show God that I trust in Him" I reminded myself as I tried not to stress out. Apparently they received my yearly redetermination last July (you know, what the chips hit the fan in general for me) but all my data mysteriously came up blank. They literally have a blank where my data was. I had to fax and mail them several forms needed to show that I was still eligible for it. As of now, I cannot make any doctor's appointments. There's something I'm a bit concerned about that needs to be looked at but will have to taken care of until I hear back from my provider. My dairy allergy test is on hold, which should've been done this month. My CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) sessions are on hold, which is a pity because I was making progress. I still get very tense and anxious when I feel a car is close to hitting me (PTSD) so I kind of need that therapy. We postponed the next one until the following week, hoping we'll know something by next week.

These are just some examples of what I've been going through this past month. Most started about two weeks into Lent and they're still going. All of this would've normally stressed me out but I keep trying to remind myself to trust God. Yesterday I took one of the stressful things I'm dealing with and had a conversation with God. "Please give me the strength and courage to handle this. It keeps popping up in mind, please help me put it out of my mind so I won't get too stressed out."

Life is uncertain. We won't always know what's in store for us. This Lent, balance and moderation, rearranging priorities, and letting go of perfection were all pieces of a larger picture: increasing my trust in God.  Everything I've gone through in the past couple of months (but most especially during Lent) have been about letting go and trusting God. Our savings are gone? God will help provide, whether it be a job I can do while in school or some other way. My car still needs a lot of work? God will provide help with whatever is absolutely necessary (i.e. air conditioning not working; windshield wiper motors not working). My health care coverage terminated? God will make things right, or help me figure out what to do if they (unjustly) decide to truly deny me coverage. My mind being so overloaded with stress that my concentration is shot right before I start my first class back to JP Catholic? God will help. I've got novenas to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who died a few credits short of his degree) and the Divine Mercy going now; a novena to the Holy Spirit coming up as soon as both of the first novenas are one. Nothing is impossible with God. I'll keep reminding myself of that every time I feel my anxiety and stress levels rising.

I think that's it for my Lenten lessons series. I had a beautiful and fruitful Lenten season despite all the lows. God has shown me how wonderful life is despite all the "crosses" we carry and for that I'm grateful. :)

Alright, I should go eat a bit more to eat. My stomach has been off lately and I haven't eating as well as I should. I ate a little bit  I feel my blood sugar level dropping a bit so I'll go take care of that. :)

Oh, how God provides!!! As I was writing the ending to this post, I received a call from someone who works with my therapist: they'll provide the rest of my counseling for free as long as I return the paperwork they're sending me to my therapist when I return to my sessions next week. I qualify for free sessions. See?! God is good and He provides!

Okay, food... right... gotta eat. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

It's Fall? Nooo.; (Great!) Anxiety Update; Be Like a Child.

It's definitely NOT Fall in Southern California. At least not in my neck of the woods. When I was on my way home from English Lit, the sign read 99 degrees Fahrenheit. It's slightly cooler where I live (campus is in a different suburb/district) but it's still well over 90 degrees. When my group rehearsed for our upcoming Shakespeare skit, we had to seek shade after about 2 minutes in the sun... it's that unbearable. We had to look for a shade before we could continue with our plan to make the entire class laugh. :D

And while I'm on the topic of the skit... I'm SO EXCITED for it. Again, not just because we get to dress up one of the guys as a girl. (It's gonna take a lot for me not to laugh the way we have it planned. lol.) :D A few months ago I would've dreaded doing this and would've probably done all I could to get out of it. Not so much now. I truly think St. Dymphna has really interceded for me in a big way. That and the Lord showed His mercy on me, after all those times I would ask Him in mid-panic attack (while sobbing) to help me understand why I would get that sick. At the beginning of the year, until probably around mid-late July, anything would trigger a panic attack. It was very bad. I'd say it's the worst time I've had since I first started getting the symptoms (when I was 15). When I started cognitive-behavioral therapy, my anxiety actually got a bit worse before it got better, mainly because I had to talk about things that upset me and it would just make me more anxious. But I'm extremely grateful I had to do it all. I'm also blessed to have a therapist who's Catholic because when I mention things like the importance of going to Mass, or praying to St. Dymphna for her intercession, she gets it. I'm so happy that I'm able to do a lot of things, including travel, that I couldn't because of my anxiety. I'm able to stand in front of people and don't freak out. It's amazing. I've been truly blessed. I won't say more because I've already written much about it. You can read more about it and about St. Dymphna (including prayers to her) in an earlier post I wrote. For the record, I keep bringing this topic up because I know a lot of people who land on my blog do so because they're looking for information regarding Catholicism and anxiety. I hope I've helped those who come in search of answers. :D

Another way I've been able to keep myself from going nutty (so much homework, not enough time. lol) is being more child like. I'm taking St. Therese of Lisieux's advice. I'm doing these little things that I hope the Lord will appreciate. I've also reverted to my pre-anxiety self -- all silly and goofy. I've gotten to the point where I see absolutely no reason why I should stress over little things I used to wig out about. I've started singing and dancing around my room and the living room, like I used to when I was younger. It's the way I shake stress off. I'm not being childish but I'm just doing simple little things that make me happy. And from that happiness, I get more excited about praying and about my faith. It all works out. :D

Alright, well, I'm going to do precisely what I just said... I'm going to sing and dance in a completely dorky/silly way to get some of the stress out. I have a lot due today so I need to get happy before I can proceed. :D

I hope y'all are having a good week... and aren't in the same hot weather as I am. Oy. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D