I'm Tired. I'm Angry. I Will No Longer Be Ashamed.

I know; I've gone weeks without updating. I have a good reason... which I wasn't going to blog about but I've reached the point where anger has taken over so now I feel like I have to speak out on this.

I stopped writing because I've been sick. Really sick. I know that, in the past, I've shared my health journey because some of you felt you could relate to it and no one else was talking about. A few months ago, someone I really admired and looked up to -- who shall be unnamed -- shamed me into not only staying quiet about it but also into deleting all my past posts about my health. Seriously, try to search for the posts; they're gone.

I won't go into details but let's just say that after our conversation, I felt ashamed for sharing my health journey -- which strongly ties into my spiritual journey. I felt like I was just asking for attention, even though I've never liked any attention and I thought that sharing my experience would help at least one other person who thought they were the only one struggling.

We live in a society that only posts "Instagram-worthy" pictures; who present perfect lives that seem unattainable and are envy-inducing. I wanted to be real and share the good that God has brought out in the middle of the bad. But, no. I was doing it for attention and, furthermore, "who's going to want someone who is always talking about her poor health? No guy will."  Ouch. Twist the knife a bit more because it didn't quite hurt the first time.

I've reached the point where I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for letting the person get to me. I'm angry that this has affected me in a much bigger way than I had wished. I'm angry that I've had to keep quiet and, basically, lie (by omitting what was really going on) to those closest to me.

No, I'm not okay. I was doing really, really well for a while and then, suddenly, my health took a massive nose dive. I haven't been okay for weeks. After a week of back-to-back bad news, I'm tired of having to plaster a smile and act like nothing's wrong. I'm tired, literally and figuratively. I have no energy left to keep up the facade.

There is beauty in suffering. I feel closest to God when my health is as bad as it is now. When I'm at my weakest -- mentally, physically, and emotionally -- is when I see the most spiritual growth. God has blessed me with my crosses (in the form of health issues and the loneliness that comes from being perpetually single and desiring a family) which have made me the woman I am now.

Do you know who I was before I got sick? I was a proud and vain girl. I hated who I was. Being sick has helped me rid of those terrible characteristics I always had growing up. I'm not fully where I want to be in terms of that -- I still have moments of pride and vanity -- but God has mercifully humbled me and continues to do so through these illnesses. If good things come out of my health struggles, I welcome them. I thank God for keeping me from a path that would've strayed me further from Heaven.

And, about the guy thing, you know what? If God wants me to remain single and always have that longing for a husband and children, I will offer it up for those who suffer. If I, as the person who shamed me into staying quiet said, end up single for the rest of my life because no man will want to help me carry my crosses, I know one man who will -- Jesus Christ. He didn't carry His cross and give up His life for nothing. I will just focus on my love for Him and unite my suffering to His. If there is a man, brave enough to accept me as I am, it will be a tremendous blessing but I am resigned to either outcome. It's about doing God's will, not my own.

So, no, I will no longer feel ashamed for sharing my faith journey and my health journey. If I want to ask prayers because I'm having a bone marrow biopsy on the 22nd (which I am; this is why I'm doing a double novena to Our Lady of Montserrat and St. Giuseppe Moscati, beginning today)... because my liver isn't functioning as it should... because my body is destroying my platelets and red blood count without any scientific explanation (which has my hematologist stumped)... because other things in my blood work came back abnormal... because I've been struggling with the depression that comes with everything I've gone through lately, I will.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest because I've been carrying it around for literally months and I was tired of it. I'm sorry for the rant but I just had to say it. Maybe now I will also be able to recover a bit better; not having to feel so alone and feeling like I should be quiet because no one cares about me or what's going on with me. Yes, I've felt that way for months.

Oh, and if you're wondering what this means in regards to my oblate retreat next month: I don't know. I got cleared by the hematologist to fly but not my primary physician. I should know (hopefully) tomorrow whether she also gives me the okay to go. In the meantime, I'm going to try to rest as much as I can, eat and sleep well, stay hydrated, walk for a minimum of an hour despite the fatigue (doctor's orders because my heart needs it), and keep my stress levels as low as possible so that my body can try to recover before the trip. I still plan on going, even if I have to find the additional funds to be able to afford a roomette on Amtrak if I cannot take a plane. If my doctor says I can't go, even on the train, I will refund anyone who wants their money back (from the GoFundMe fundraiser).

Anyway, now that I've given y'all an update and an explanation for my silence, I think I'm going to go take a nap. I've been feeling very exhausted -- I can't sleep enough hours in the day -- and I need to rest. I will gladly offer some of this up for anyone who could use the prayers.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

I'm in Shock. Is This Real Life?

I wanted to blog yesterday because I received good news but I had to wait to get actual details (which I officially received last night) so I'm blogging now.

You guys know how I've been anemic and folate deficient "officially" for about a year now? (side note: anemia has been a reoccurring issue for at least 2-3 years). You know how I had low calcium and white blood count levels last autumn? You know how poor my health has been, with my platelets lower than normal for years? All of that warranted a round of roughly 70 (seriously) different tests that were taken from 10 (yes, ten) vials of blood last Friday that was ordered by the hematologist after my first hematology appointment earlier this month. During the previous blood draw -- in early March -- I was still anemic and in a bad way. It has been a little over 2 months and I hadn't taken my "blood builder" multivitamin daily. I didn't think the results were going to be much improved. I'm sure God said, "Oh ye of little faith" at this point.

I went to my follow-up appointment yesterday. I was hoping for a slightly above normal number for my iron and folate levels (and everything else). The doctor (new to me) who saw me told me my labs were pretty good. My platelets are still a little low (at 129k; 141k is the lowest number within normal range) but everything else looked good to her. I didn't get specifics beyond that. I asked her if I was anemic. She looked at me like "ooh, giiiiirl,. you don't even know..." and informed me, with a little laugh, that I was no longer anemic. I asked her about the folate level. Again, slightly amused, she said that I was no longer folate deficient and it was most likely due to the multivitamin I was taking (that Hallie had recommended to me years ago but I hadn't taken -- because it has gluten in it -- until late March). I didn't get numbers. I was just told that I was in a good place and that I have to follow-up in late July since they want to see if my levels will finally stabilize with the multivitamin I'm taking.

I came out of the appointment ecstatic! I had remarked to Mom that I haven't been looking as pale lately though I'm still pretty fair skinned when I don't tan/burn in the sun. She reminded me that I've always been fair skinned so looking a little pale (from the anemia) was never too noticeable. However, the rosy cheeks I've had lately have been a clear indication that my health has returned to where it should be.

It wasn't until last night that I saw what the actual numbers were from my iron and folate levels were. My iron level went from 36 to 124 in a couple of months. My folate level went from a dismal 3.60 (>7.00 is the normal range) to 12.90. I was in shock. "Wait, whaaaat?!" I don't think my iron level has been over 50 in about 4-5 years. My folate level has never been over 3.70 (from the time they started checking it, at least). Is this real life?

I looked at the rest of my results. My white blood count is still a little low and I was slightly dehydrated when they drew blood but everything else looked good. My calcium and sodium levels were normal for the first time since last autumn as well. I wanted to cry happy tears. It's been years since I've been this healthy.

I'm grateful to God for this blessing of health. Furthermore, I'm grateful for the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Joseph, and St. Catherine of Siena because my health has/had been intentions in novenas prayed for their intercessions. Mom's gotten into the habit of making sure she asks Bl. Pier Giorgio for his intercession for my health every morning. I'm grateful for their intercessions. I'm grateful that God has granted me this long-sought blessing of health. I'm grateful to everyone who prayed for me. I'm also grateful for one big gift God had granted me in all of this: the gift of patience. I'll touch on this topic tomorrow since it would make this post way too long to read in one sitting. I've already started writing the post so I'll just schedule it. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this bit of good news with y'all. Thank you to those who've been praying for my health!! I greatly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart! God willing, this is the start of the new normal for me.

That's it for now! I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Receiving the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick

Image found here.

Wow, over a week since my last post. Sorry, y'all, but I've been that busy. I've found myself coming up with different projects and things to do offline (purposely; don't want to keep wasting my time online) and it's been taking most of my time. I've been wanting to share two things with you, though, so I'm taking a break from my huge Spring Clean-a-thon to do so. I don't want to make this post too long so I'll write about one today and I'll post the other tomorrow, if I get a chance. :)

Last Friday I received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick. Let me explain why this happened before anyone either a) starts really worrying about my health and/or b) thinks I shouldn't have received it. Before anyone jumps to conclusions let me just say that the idea came from a priest friend. I did not think I was eligible for the Sacrament as there are specific requirements but my priest friend (as well as the priest who actually administered the sacrament) thought it would be fine for me to receive it. Since I have lost even more weight (the lowest thus far as been 114.8 lbs last Friday from 130-132 lbs a year ago) and I have had to restrict my diet even further due to food and medication allergies (thus making it even harder for me to find ways to get more calories into my diet), I was deemed eligible for the sacrament. Of course, there are a couple of other things going on but I'm keeping those to myself since I've decided to offer them up. These things, however, also contributed to my being eligible.

I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it felt receiving the sacrament. I was tear-y eyed (because of sadness prior to the anointing and then because of joy) throughout the day. Fr. G gave me a quick confession in his office so that I could properly receive it. My mother was there as well but, since she didn't understand what I said in English, there was no danger there. lol. Any anger, fear, and doubt I might've had before I walked into Fr. G's office was gone by the time he anointed the holy oil. I just felt an immense peace, joy, and gratefulness. In me I just said "I love you, Jesus! I love you!" There have been a few times when I've felt completely engulfed by God's love and mercy and that was certainly one of those times. My mom said, later in the day, that I had a new look/glow afterwards; that I looked at peace, relaxed, and I actually looked healthier (with more color in face and cheeks), if it was possible.

Afterwards, we talked about my options for receiving the Eucharist since the doctor had said no wheat/gluten. He gave me options and I came to the conclusion that I will (out of my own pocket, of course) order the low-gluten hosts (which I cleared with my new doctor yesterday; more on this later) and they'll be kept at the parish for when I attend Mass. This parish is my favorite parish (that I have visited) in the L.A. Archdiocese. It's a bit of a drive but mom and I decided it will be our new home parish as our old home parish has made things difficult for us and other parishioners. (side note: three weeks after I made a couple of attempts to speak to the priests about options for the Eucharist and no contact - on their end - has been made). Also, Fr. G and Fr. V have been amongst our favorite confessors so we feel happy and at peace at our new home parish. :)

That was all Friday... the same day that a doctor's appointment was made. I had my appointment yesterday since I had lost a couple of pounds in the two weeks since my last doctor's appointment. I was given a new doctor (thank you, God!) and she ordered blood work to check my thyroid and liver (to make sure the weight loss isn't connected to those) as well as a thyroid ultrasound since I've had an enlarged nodule in my thyroid for a couple of years. This was all done yesterday. I was surprised at how fast she had it all ordered since I usually have to wait at least three months for ultrasound appointments through this clinic/hospital system. I was done with it all in the span of two hours. She also ordered an appointment with the nutritionist so that I can figure out healthy fats and calories that can help me gain some weight. As I mentioned before, I asked her about the hosts during Mass and she said that the low-gluten hosts would be fine since I usually like to attend Mass more than once a week. When she said that she was Catholic and understood what I was talking about, I was relieved. She didn't know low-gluten hosts were an option but seemed happy that I did and encouraged me to get them. I felt blessed to have her as my new doctor because she had a proactive, "let's figure this out!" attitude whereas my other doctor would just smile at me and say "well, just cut this out of your diet."

Ever since that wonderful day on Friday, my mother's said that she firmly believes that everything is going to change for the better. We're not putting any superstition into it; we're not saying that the Sacrament means I'm going to magically heal. She (and I) feel like this is a new start for me and my health. Whether that means that I'm going to finally catch a break and that my new doctor will figure out what's been going on for the past 10 months or that I'm going to endure this illness (whatever it may be) with more patience and joy, I am not sure. But things are different and I thank God with my heart for it.

Anyway, this post has become way too long now. I have spent about half an hour writing and my stomach is asking for nom noms so I'm going to go feed it before I go out into the summer-like heatwave in a few. :)

I hope to write about my Mother's day celebration with the Carmelite Sisters tomorrow. I should be able to if my stomach and anxiety cooperate with me. ;)

I hope you all had a great weekend and are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D